Work Text:
“Ah.. it’s snowing.”
Rui muttered to himself, a hand placed on his chin as he looked up at the sky. The rooftop of Kamiyama High was always cold regardless of the time of year, but his cardigan couldn’t shelter him from the crisp air of winter.
“It rarely snows this much, but I’m fully welcoming it.” Tsukasa proclaimed beside him, his slightly chubby hand gripping onto Rui’s bony fingers. Even with the snow around them, just being this close to Tsukasa made it feel like he was near a fireplace.
“When I was younger, I used to do snow angels.. Saki was too frail to go outside in this weather, so I’d make snow angels for her.” Tsukasa turned to face Rui, his smile blinding.
Even when Tsukasa didn’t speak any words from his pretty lips, he took all of Rui’s attention. Rui smiled back, although not as grand as Tsukasa’s grin, it was enough for the boy to continue rambling to his peer. Tsukasa could never waste his time.
“Disbanding..?”
Tsukasa had his mouth agape, crossing his arms. They both knew that one day Wonderlands x Showtime would end, but Tsukasa still wanted to grip onto the sweet memories of their troupe. “Life moves on, no?” Rui pondered, causing Tsukasa to slump his shoulders.
“You’re right, but I still wish for another year at least with Emu and Nene..” Tsukasa sighed, knowing that no matter how much he protests, this was going to be the ultimatum. It’s spring, the cherry blossoms surrounding Kamiyama are in full bloom.
Both of them are graduating today, and it seems like this was the only moment of the day that Tsukasa wasn’t crying, announcing how much he’ll miss his peers and Kouhai. Rui has removed his cardigan for today, the warmth of spring enough to satisfy him.
“You can still be friends with them, it’s just we won’t perform shows anymore.” Rui reaffirmed, fidgeting with his hands. It’s a nervous habit that he’s always had, and deep down he doesn’t want to let go of high school either. It’s the only time of his life where he’s felt like he could be himself.
“..You’re right, and I’ll still perform shows since I’m going to theater school, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad about it!” Tsukasa huffed, uncrossing his arms and letting them land on his hips.
“You’ll always have me.” Rui blurts out without a second thought, to which Tsukasa lets out a small smile in response. “You’ll always have me, too.” Tsukasa responds, holding Rui’s hands with his own.
”I’m aware.” Rui thought, ”As long as you’re by my side, nothing can go wrong.”
Time seemed to move on quickly, both of them living in the same apartment and busy with the end of their university years. Tsukasa had managed to become a brand ambassador for a fragrance company, and a model. Rui went to engineering school, continuing to work in robotics. Tsukasa was becoming the star that he wanted to be, but Rui knows for a fact, Tsukasa was always the star of his world. They were both in bed, supposed to be asleep, but Tsukasa rocked in a desperate attempt to self-soothe. Bitter tears went down the blond’s face, falling onto the pillow below.
“I didn’t know she’d go so soon..” Tsukasa murmured in the dark, his hand grazing to find Rui’s Their fingers interlocked, and Rui squeezed his lover’s hand in reassurance. Both of them knew that Saki would die young, Tsukasa especially knew that Saki had long lived past her initial life expectancy. But nothing would replace the hurt of losing a loved one, Rui mused.
“You can’t predict everything.” Rui replied, blinking as he heard Tsukasa shuffle and felt a newfound weight on his arm.
“I know..” Tsukasa mumbled, and Rui felt his shoulder dampen. Rui didn’t know Saki very well, admittedly, but seeing how much Tsukasa cared for her, this is equivalent to half of his boyfriend’s heart shattering.
Rui could hear the sound of rain hitting the window, rolling down the glass similar to how seemingly never-ending tears from Tsukasa rolled down his face. It’s autumn, the coldness of the weather not helping his grief.
“Rui, marry me.”
Tsukasa had stated that out of the blue. It’s summer, both of them at the beach for a supposed rest day. They had finished university that year, and had to prepare to go into the real world. “Isn’t this a bit too sudden?” Rui asked, tilting his head to emphasize his confusion.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you since last summer, but..”—He exhaled, his lip trembling.—”..Saki’s death put a wrench through my plan.” Tsukasa explained, instead of his gaze being on Rui, it’s focused on the ocean waves lapping onto the sand beneath them.
“Do you even have a ring?” Rui questioned yet again, his outgrown hair swaying with the gentle breeze. Tsukasa wished he could see Rui’s beauty forever.
“No. But I’ll get one soon.” Tsukasa affirmed, set on his goal of marrying his partner. The silence was deafening for both of them, the sound of the sea filling their ears.
“I gladly accept your proposal, Tsukasa.” Rui eventually gave his answer, to which Tsukasa touched foreheads with the other.
“I can’t imagine marrying anyone other than you, Rui..” Tsukasa whispered, although nobody else was around to hear. Rui’s lips parted into a small smile, staring into those apricot eyes he fell in love with all those years ago.
Their wedding was small and planned on a whim, but to both of them it seemed perfect. Set in the middle of the night, only them and the officiant standing in the soft sand. They returned to the beach where Tsukasa had proposed months prior, both of their fingers bearing rings.
The gold color of Rui’s gently reminded him of Tsukasa, intricate carvings of stars in the metal. The ring on Tsukasa was silver, with amethyst encrusted in the middle.
It truly felt like them, and once the officiant left, they danced into the night. Feeling the ocean breeze, and the cold air of autumn again, they both twirled until their feet were sore.
“We should probably dance barefoot, hm?” Rui did his typical feline smile, to which Tsukasa nodded in agreement, quickly taking off his shoes. The feeling of sand on his soles were welcoming, and so was the water. With a small laugh, Rui felt himself being taken off his feet again, falling back into an imaginary rhythm with his husband.
“Thank you..” Tsukasa murmured against the taller's pale skin, burying his head into his protruding collarbones.
“Thank you?” Rui parroted, bringing a hand to run through the blond ashen locks, memorizing the patterns of the beautiful sunset scheme.
“For opening my eyes, I mean. Without you, I wouldn’t have gotten this far.” Tsukasa continued, his warm palms moving to interlock with Rui’s own cold, calloused hands.
“What did I do to deserve you..?” Rui thought to himself, with the privacy of only himself knowing his self-deprecating thoughts. Solitude was always his thing, but he yearns for Tsukasa far more. Oh Tsukasa-kun..
If you only saw that you got this far by yourself.
Two autumns pass by, and Rui’s small imaginary world comes crashing down.
“I have cancer..” Tsukasa spoke to the open air, Rui himself focusing on how his chest goes up and down with every breath. “But it’s going to be okay! They said I have a 97% survival rate!”
Rui cannot help but return the smile that’s plastered on the canvas that is Tsukasa’s beautiful face. No matter the age, 26 or 18, he’s still gorgeous.
“I know that it must be scary for you, but I’m not leaving! I’m here.” Tsukasa tried to reassure his husband, his hand coming to caress Rui’s. Rui has never feared his own death, but he hopes that Tsukasa does stay. A star never goes back on his promises. He would be nothing without Tsukasa.
It turns into spring, and the sun glistens through the cracks of the curtain of the hospital room. Sun rays highlight Tsukasa’s sickly face, Rui noticing how weakly his chest moves as he breathes in and out.
“You’ll always have me, too.” plays in Rui’s mind.
(You lied to me, he thinks, as he sits by Tsukasa’s bedside.)
(But I forgave you a long time ago.)
“Please, stay with me..” Rui whispers, watching as Tsukasa’s eyes dim of their usual light.
“I want to stay, but I’ve also learnt to not swear promises I know I can’t fulfill.” Tsukasa replied back, sliding the ring off his finger. This earnt a confused hum from Rui, until the loose strands connected in his mind.
“No.” Rui shuddered, the ring now in his palm seeping ice throughout his body.
“You have to let go of me, eventually.” Tsukasa chided, staring at the tiled ceiling.
He hasn’t died yet, but Rui still feels the overwhelming sadness that’s in grief.
The ring, representing himself, seemed to merge well into the snow. Rui hastily buried the silver band underneath a pile of snow, the ring submerging with Tsukasa’s grave. The funeral was yesterday, and Rui hasn’t left his side.
”It should’ve been me.” Is the only thing on Rui’s mind, watching as the fantasy he and Tsukasa built together crumble in the palms of his hands.
The late nights talking about adopting kids, Tsukasa’s career, Wonderlands x Showtime, marriage, all fade away into the wind. Just like how Tsukasa did. Despite him being gone, he had impacted Rui enough for a hundred lifetimes. Enough for Rui to cling onto those memories until the day he dies.
There’s only so many apologies a person can utter.