Work Text:
It started like any other evening in Gotham: damp streets glistening under dim streetlights, the air heavy with the faint scent of rain, and the distant echo of sirens. Chloe Larson had just picked up her usual coffee from a corner shop and was scrolling through her phone as she walked home. Gotham was always a circus, but tonight promised to be especially weird.
She first noticed the commotion when she heard the sound of frantic yelling. Three distinct voices were carrying down the street—panicked, high-pitched, and full of desperation. Chloe paused, her curiosity piqued, and turned toward the noise. Her eyes widened at the sight of three of Gotham’s most infamous rogues: the Riddler, Scarecrow, and Mad Hatter.
The trio were sprinting down the sidewalk like their lives depended on it. Riddler was waving his arms as if signaling a plane to land, his green bowler hat clinging for dear life. Mad Hatter, who looked like he belonged in a nursery rhyme rather than a criminal lineup, was struggling to keep pace with his stubby legs. And Scarecrow—towering, lanky, and cloaked in his trademark ragged trench coat—was carrying both of them under his arms like sacks of flour.
Trailing behind them, with an unmistakable air of chaos, was the Joker. His manic laughter echoed down the street as he cradled what appeared to be… a raccoon?
Chloe blinked, thinking for a moment that she was hallucinating. But no, it was real. The Joker was holding a furious, hissing raccoon in his arms, grinning ear to ear as if he’d just won the lottery. The animal thrashed wildly, its sharp claws swiping at everything in its vicinity.
“Oh, don’t run, my dear friends!” Joker called out, his voice dripping with mock sweetness. “You’ll hurt my feelings! And Rufus just wants to play!” He punctuated his words with a wild cackle.
Chloe froze, her coffee forgotten in her hand. Her Gotham instincts screamed at her to get as far away as possible, but another part of her—the part that knew this could go viral—reached for her phone instead.
“Okay, this is nuts,” she muttered, hitting record.
The camera captured everything:
The Riddler, turning his head mid-sprint to yell, “This is all your fault, Jonathan! You just had to make fun of his new hair dye!”
“Not the time, Nygma!” Scarecrow bellowed back, his voice distorted by his mask.
Behind them, Mad Hatter screeched, “Put me down, you lanky scarecrow! I’ll run myself!”
Scarecrow ignored him, his long legs pumping as he carried his two companions down the street like a deranged marathon runner. Chloe couldn’t help but marvel at his stamina. The man looked like he hadn’t eaten in a week, yet here he was, carrying a combined 300 pounds of screaming lunatics.
Joker, meanwhile, was gaining on them, the raccoon in his arms looking progressively angrier.
“Rufus doesn’t like being teased!” Joker sing-songed, dodging a trash can that the Riddler had tried to throw in his path. “He’s very sensitive about his appearance, you know!”
Chloe couldn’t suppress a laugh. She tried to keep the camera steady, but it was hard when tears of suppressed hilarity blurred her vision.
“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” she whispered to herself. “And I live in Gotham.”
The chase continued, weaving down alleys and across intersections. At one point, Scarecrow skidded to a halt, panting heavily. He set Mad Hatter and Riddler down with a thunk, clearly needing a breather.
“You... two... are useless!” he wheezed, leaning against a lamppost.
Riddler adjusted his hat indignantly. “Useless? I’ll have you know I’m the brains of this operation!”
“Brains won’t save us when Rufus gets loose!” Mad Hatter yelped, clutching his oversized hat like it was a shield.
From behind them, Joker’s voice rang out again. “Rufus doesn’t like being insulted either, boys!”
The trio snapped their heads toward the sound, saw Joker closing the distance, and collectively screamed. Scarecrow muttered something Chloe couldn’t hear, picked both men up again, and resumed his sprint.
Chloe followed at a safe distance, the camera still rolling. Her commentary was half-whispered but laced with glee.
“This is gold. Absolute gold. Look at them go!” She zoomed in on Joker, who was now cradling the raccoon like a baby. “I can’t decide if I should be scared or apply for a Netflix docuseries.”
Another pedestrian stopped next to her, glancing at the scene with wide eyes. “Is that… the Joker?”
“Yep,” Chloe said, not looking away from her screen.
“And is he chasing Scarecrow with a raccoon?”
“Sure is.”
The pedestrian stared for a moment longer, then nodded. “I don’t get paid to deal with this,” they said before walking away.
The chase reached its climax when Scarecrow, clearly out of ideas, darted into an abandoned parking garage. Chloe followed cautiously, holding her phone up as she entered. The dim lighting and echoing footsteps added an eerie edge to the absurdity.
The villains had reached a dead end. Scarecrow set the Riddler and Mad Hatter down again, and the three turned to face the Joker, who strolled in like a man who knew he’d won.
“Nowhere left to run!” Joker sang, holding Rufus high like a deranged version of The Lion King. “And my dear, sweet Rufus is very eager to make friends!”
The raccoon hissed, its eyes gleaming with unbridled fury.
“Jonathan, do something!” Riddler hissed, clutching Scarecrow’s sleeve.
“What do you want me to do?!” Scarecrow snapped. “I’m a fear toxin specialist, not an animal control officer!”
“Just throw something at him!” Mad Hatter shrieked.
Before Scarecrow could respond, the raccoon wriggled free from Joker’s grasp, landing on the floor with a thud. It let out a guttural growl, its fur bristling as it turned toward the three rogues.
“Rufus!” Joker cried, sounding genuinely heartbroken. “Don’t hurt them too badly, boy! Just a little mauling!”
That was all it took. The villains screamed and scattered like bowling pins. Scarecrow climbed onto a nearby car, Riddler dove behind a dumpster, and Mad Hatter scrambled up a stack of crates.
The raccoon, apparently unimpressed, sniffed the air and trotted off into the shadows, leaving chaos in its wake.
Joker clapped his hands together. “Well, that was fun! Rufus always knows how to spice up a dull evening.” He turned to leave, his laughter echoing through the garage.
Chloe lowered her phone, shaking her head in disbelief. “Only in Gotham.”
As she walked home, still chuckling, she couldn’t help but wonder if the video would go viral. She titled it in her head: "Joker, a Raccoon, and the Worst Day Ever for Gotham’s Villains."