Chapter Text
Mo Guan Shan wasn’t weak.
He worked harder than anyone, cared more than anyone, even if he didn’t show it, and most of all he felt more than anyone.
He felt anger, disappointment and most of all longing every time he would think of his father. He felt love, care and gratitude when seeing his mother. And sometimes even if he couldn’t admit it to himself, let alone anyone, he did care for his friends. A gentle smile would spread on his face every time Jian Yi did something stupid, Zhan Zheng Xi telling him off, He Tian laughing, egging on the situation. And as more memories flash through his mind, the smile slowly disappearing, warmth in his chest replaced with a bittersweet feeling.
That day still prominent in his mind. It was so sudden. No texts, no calls, no explanation, nothing. It felt like he blinked once, and the two were nowhere to be seen.
He would lay on his bed in the middle of the night, staring into the ceiling, trying so hard to understand . Grasping at any hints, any behaviour that was out of the ordinary, any comments that might have been lighthearted but had deeper meaning behind them, anything. And he would read into every interaction they had, every touch, every look in his eyes but he just couldn’t understand. He knew about his family situation, knew that this shouldn’t have been much of a surprise. What he couldn’t understand is why he didn’t say anything. The only thing keeping him from thinking that it never happened, that he wasn’t hallucinating this entire time are the photos, carefully stored in his shelf, chat history in his phone that he kept going over and over again every night like a freak and his equally heartbroken, confused friend.
Him and Zhan Zheng Xi were close, but over the past years they became even closer. Confiding in each other at the loss of the two. Maybe not always communicated through words, both knew what the other one felt on a personal level and it was enough. Sitting in silence was enough, comforting.
Maybe He Tian did try to say something. In the way his eyes were more gentle, words more soft, smiles more genuine, hands tracing over his body longer, the silent stares, tracing every detail of his face. And maybe Mo Guan Shan did notice, but never tried to read too much into it, fearing the truth behind those actions. Ignoring it, trying to bask in the blissfulness, because he finally let himself be, honest with his feelings, accepting and showing them in return.
And it was so good.
Until he was left alone. Silently crying as more and more time passed and realisation that he might never come back was slowly sinking in.
Mo Guan Shan wasn’t weak.
He was working harder, trying to care less, feel less. And it felt like he was finally getting better. Fewer nights were filled with anxiety induced nightmares, fewer sobs stifled with his pillow in order to not worry his mother.
He has a good job, good friends, his own little space. And it feels like he can finally smile without faking it, do things he enjoys and finally breathe without chocking on the lump in his throat.
It’s okay. I’m okay. he was repeating it like a mantra every now and then. When he gets a whiff of his cologne, sees the brand of the cigarettes he used to smoke, stares too long at the guitar that was gifted to him, feeding the fish in the morning, holding his eyes on the black coloured fish for too long, the ring on his helix that got caught in his clothes.
He’s okay. He wasn’t weak.
——————————————————————
“Hello?” Mo Guan Shan wasn’t expecting a call from him so early in the morning, still half asleep after a long shift at the restaurant.
“Guan Shan, are you busy today? I wanted to get some drinks tonight.”
“Uhm.. okay, I’ll meet you at the usual place. Does 8:00pm works for you?”
“Yeah..”
“Is everything okay?” It wasn’t the first time Zhan Zheng Xi asked him out for drinks, but the shakiness in his voice was worrying.
“I- I don’t know..” he took a deep breath in and almost in a whisper he exhaled a “he’s back…” a pause “ they are back”
Fuck.
Mo Guan Shan felt like he was on an autopilot. Working through the day, plating orders, sorting through receipts, nagging new workers for cutting too much skin off the potatoes. He felt strangely calm, but the anxious feeling in his gut kept growing bigger as the evening approached.
He gave his sous chef an apologetic smile for not being able to stay till the end of the shift who in return waved him off saying “You work too much Boss, have a break”
Slowly, he approached the bar that two of them often frequent as it’s close distance to both of their workplaces.
Zhan Zheng Xi was already sitting at the table, looking into nothing as he held a glass of, what seemed to be whiskey.
“Don’t you have work tomorrow?” Mo Guan Shan said, glancing at the glass in hand.
“Yeah, well.. felt like getting something different today.” Something stronger you mean, thought Guan Shan.
After getting his own drink, a bottle of beer, he settled down looking expectedly at his friend. Seeing how Zhan Zheng Xi was still lost in thought, silence stretching for too long now, he cleared his throat before asking “Did he contact you?” Startled, seemingly coming back to his senses he looked at Guan Shan.
“Yes? No? Auntie Jian called me.. asked to join them for dinner next week. I- I was confused, and asked who’s ‘them’. She sounded equally confused to my question and then said ‘Jian Yi of course’, she then gasped as if she just accidentally told me some secret.” Zheng Xi’s brows furrowed more and more.
“So.. he came back or is coming back and he didn’t tell you..” honestly feeling quite lost and angry at the same time.
“I did receive a call from an unknown number.. didn’t pick up.” Zheng Xi sighed, taking another sip of whiskey, ice clinking off the glass.
“Why?”
“I.. at first I was about to pick up but then I had this feeling, that maybe, maybe it was him and even though I knew that the chances were slim, I was still contemplating. While I did want to hear from him, I didn’t know how I would deal with it. And obviously while I was pondering, the call already ended.”
“Right.” he didn’t know what to say, he knew how he felt. “Are you going to go?”
“I still haven’t decided.”
Mo Guan Shan looked at his already warm beer, trying to find a reason as to why Jian Yi didn’t try to contact him too? Was he already back in the city? Will he be leaving again? And then he remembered the cause of his slowly creeping anxiety today.
“Wait. You said they are back. From what I understand, it’s Jian Yi only.”
“I assumed since the both disappeared together, they came back together. Sorry, I’m not sure.” Apologetic expression on Zheng Xi’s face as the anxiety in Guan Shan turns into disappointment.
And as he exhaled, he tried soothing the hurt in his heart with a palm of his hand over his chest. Great , he can still torment me, even when he’s not here.
Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t go to the dinner. Unknown number called once again. This time he answered.
————————————————————
“Redhead~”
Jian Yi was back. A little more matured, a little taller, more sturdier, but still cheerful as always. Zheng Xi finally looked like his anxiety wasn’t slowly drowning him, eyes brighter, smile bigger and he looks happy .
He doesn’t know full details behind the disappearance. Knows that it connected to his father, knows that it connected to He’s family, knows that it wasn’t his choice, knows that contacting them would be dangerous. And Guan Shan is okay with it. He’s okay with knowing half when Zheng Xi got the full story. He’s okay with him being back because he missed him. A year has passed since his return.
The question about the boy with black hair was never asked. No one seemed to push the matter.
So he continued working hard, the routine, the mantra that he kept repeating almost every day now.
It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s okay. I’m o-
Except the fact that he wasn’t .
The weight on his heart was heavier every day. His thoughts drifting off to him much more often. The lump growing in his throat once again.
Guan Shan is on the way back home from the restaurant. The weather is getting more ruthless, harsh wind makes him crawl into himself. The streets are lit up with Christmas lights, the chatter of people fills the silence and the smell of freshly made food is coming from the street market. The holidays are approaching but Guan Shan doesn’t seem to care.
As he makes the final turn, fishing out the keys from his jacket, he sees a silhouette standing close to his building. Leaning leisurely on to the wall, smocking a cigarette. A familiar smell makes him stop in his tracks.
“Mo-“
Is all Guan Shan heard before sprinting the opposite direction.
Mo Guan Shan wasn’t weak.
But He Tian might just be his weakness.