Chapter Text
1. I don't discriminate I hate you all equally
Darcy snorted and Fury directed is steely, one-eyed glare her way.
“Did you have something to add, Ms. Lewis?”
“Nothing, o furious one.”
He let out a sigh.
“Fine, I hate you a little more than the rest.”
She flashed him a winning smile.
“I know that’s just your way of telling me you love me! And I’ll just take that as approval for our field trip!”
Before he could say anything else she turned on the ball of her foot. But she heard him yelling after her.
“Fine, go back to New Mexico. But please, for the love of all that’s holy, do not go to Roswell and pretend we’re aliens that kidnapped you. Again!”
2. Dude, chocolate: yes or yes?
Jane nodded sagely.
“I accept your proposal and propose an amendment.”
Darcy raised her brows and set down the shopping list she’d been composing that so far only had one item.
“Please, do explain, boss lady.”
“Thank you, minion.”
Jane cleared her throat and held up her hand to count off on her fingers.
“Chocolate. And booze.”
Darcy let out a long hum.
“See. This is why you’re the one in charge. Chaotic neutral genius strikes again!”
3. this is not my idea of a date, there aren't even breadsticks!
Darcy could hear Jane’s sigh on the other end of the line.
“Your dubious opinion on romantic dinner locations aside, you need to get off of the phone and leave the bathroom.”
The toilet in the next stall flushed and Darcy winced.
“Whatever. The Olive Garden is totally a classy place to go, I don’t care what you say.”
The bathroom door opened and closed as the other occupant left. Darcy mentally cringed that the other woman hadn’t washed her hands first. Gross much?
“Darcy.”
“What?”
There was a pause and she could picture Jane winding up for an argument.
“Whether or not you knew this was a date when you said yes, you need to get out there. Think about the poor guy.”
“Why do you think he’s the poor one in this situation? He could be a spy for all we know! Maybe he only asked me to try and get vital information.”
“I highly doubt Wayne is a mole.”
“Yeah, that’s what you said about Kevin from accounting and look how that turned out.”
Jane let out another sigh.
“Fine. If he turns out to be HYDRA, then you can say ‘I told you so.’ But for now I’m going back to my research and you should get back to your date.”
Darcy let out a whine.
“Can’t you just, like, blow up the lab or something?”
“Sorry. If you wanted explosions, you should’ve taken Tony’s offer for ‘accomplice to bitchin Science! and shit’ when you had the chance.”
4. Hanging upside down by one leg from the ceiling, she narrowed her eyes and said, "...What's your point?"
Jane folded her arms and looked at Darcy nonplussed.
“I told you we should have gotten Clint to help is get the scanner from the vents. But no, you refused ‘based on principle’.”
“Hey, he compared my music taste to a hipsters’. I’ll have you know I listen to terrible music unironically. Say I have bad taste all you want, but do not compare me to a hipster.”
“And who’s the one now hanging from the ceiling.”
“Hey, I got the scanner in one piece.”
“Yes, but who is going to get you?”
“Ooh, I vote Steve!!”
Jane raised a brow in confusion.
“I figured Tony would be easier, why Steve?”
Darcy shrugged as best as she could upside down.
“I’ve been feeling a bit disenfranchised. The arms of freedom should help.”
5. "He is not Simba, you are not Rafiki, and Stark Tower is not Pride Rock!"
Jane finished with her hands on her hips as she gave Darcy a determined look.
“Oh, come on! It’s Bucky’s first public outing with the Avengers. We need to properly symbolize his rebirth!”
“And I understand that it’s a big deal, but that still doesn’t mean I’m going to build you a counterweight system so you can re-enact you favorite Disney scene.”
Darcy folded her arms with a harrumph.
“Such a spoil sport.”
“Mmhmm. Totally.”Jane turned back to her machine, her voice now muffled from inside the bowels of metal machinery. “And don’t think I’m unaware you’re only coming to me after Tony said no.”
Her assistant gave a guilty cough, but didn’t deny it.
“Who would have thought he would be so ‘mature’,” Darcy finished with a tone of contempt.
Jane snorted.
“It’s more that Pepper still hasn’t forgiven him for the t-shirt cannon of doom he made for the last press conference. The White House sent over the bill last week.”
6. "It's crazy but uh, me and his ex-girlfriend are good friends now...even though he was a no good **bleep** who decided that dating two women at the same time was a okay plan. And honestly, it sucked. Me and Val didn't know about each other... we had each thought that this was it, that he was the one. Prince Charming, you know? But it turns out that Prince Charming isn't too charming at all." Darcy explains.
“That douche, need me to take care of him?”
She turned her head carefully to give a smile over her shoulder.
“Thanks, Wade, but nah. We already took care of him.”
He snorted and continued braiding her hair.
“I figured you had. But I could finish him. You know. Make him dead.”
She laughed.
“As much as I’d love to have Deadpool right all my wrongs, I think it’s better he just wish he’s dead. We made sure all the women in his life knew what he was up to. Last I heard his mother was still roasting his ass.”
He hummed as he put the tie in the end of her braid.
“Speaking of roasted ass, I’m hungry. Wanna go eat?”
7. "It was like that when I got here!" he shrieked, backing away quickly and raising his hands up in surrender.
Jane rolled her eyes at Tony’s antics.
“I know. Thor accidentally stepped on it getting out of bed this morning, so I left it there for you to fix it before Darcy finds out.”
He let out a breath of relief.
“Okay, good. I didn’t want to deal with the wrath of an accessory diminished Lewis again. I still have nightmares about when I broke her iPod.”
Jane groaned.
“We all do. That was a miserable week in the lab.”
Tony nodded and began to reach for tools. But after a couple minutes he paused and turned to watch Jane speculatively as he stroked his goattee in thought.
“So why did you and blondie have Lewis’ taser in your bedroom?”
8. "You are the worst human being I have ever and will ever know," she said, punctuating her statement by blowing a raspberry.
“Your opinion has been noted, Ms. Lewis,” Agent Coulson deadpanned.
He went back to his paperwork, ignoring her as he continued to write notes, no doubt denying everyone else important sanity-encouraging activities.
With a sigh, Darcy got up to leave.
“And please ensure that Agent Barton is aware that your request for the football-field length water slide has been denied, no matter how ‘awesome’ nor ‘sweet’ the resulting team building may have been.”
She narrowed her eyes at him.
“Just what are you implying, Agent Coulson, aka the destroyer of dreams?”
He looked up, and raised his brows.
“If he goes and buys it because he ‘didn’t get the memo’ like with the inflatable T-rex costumes, I’m taking it out of your coffee budget.”
9. "Dude, you're crazy! Practically certifiable!"
“No I’m not, my mother had me tested.”
Jane folded her arms and stared at the man’s back as he continued to fiddle with whatever 100%-likely-to-explode doodad he was working on now.
“Stark, you are not quoting Big Bang Theory at me at a time like this.”
He finally turned his head to glance at her with a raised brow.
“Why shouldn’t I be?”
She took a deep breath, puffing her chest and throwing her shoulders back.
“One, because they skip all the science now and it’s not a funny show anymore. Two, because you hate it. And three, because you just almost blew up my assistant!”
He raised his hands in surrender.
“Okay, Foster, calm down.”
He started to turn back to his table until she let out a high-pitched growl and threw the nearest object at him.
Luckily for Tony, it was just a styrofoam container of his half-eaten chow mein. Unluckily for Tony, a few noodles got stuck in his facial hair.
But it didn’t really make Jane feel better.
“I will not calm down until you get Darcy’s hair back to normal color and somehow retrieve my scanner in once piece from where it’s embedded in the ceiling!”
10. "It's crazy but... I feel like I have known you since forever. I don't remember what life was like before I met you."
Director Fury’s good eye squinted at her, but she kept it together.
“Seriously, Nicky. What would we do without your calm demeanor and penchant for ignoring our civil rights and liberties?”
He sat straighter, the leather of his coat creaking.
“Ms. Lewis?”
She grinned and leaned forward to set her elbow on the edge of his desk and rested her chin in her hand.
“Yes, Nicky?”
The eye began twitching now.
“Get the hell out of my office.”
“Of course, Nicky.”
She stood, fighting back a giggle, and began making her way to the door.
“And if you ever call me Nicky again, your silly ass will never have any civil rights or liberties in the future.”
Darcy snickered as she turned to give him a mock salute on the way out the door.
“Of course, o wrathful one.”
As soon as she made it to the elevator she pulled out her phone to text Steve.
You so owe me $50
11. "We met up every ten years and swap stories about caves," Darcy snarks.
Hill’s face didn’t register any emotion, but there was a pause before she answered.
“Ms. Lewis, I was not asking why you supposedly call Dr. Peters “Gollum”. I am requesting that you stop before he files another workplace harassment complaint that I have to deal with.”
Darcy snorted and shuffled her feet.
“Clearly you haven’t seen the man with his microscope slides.”
Hill’s lips twitched this time.
“Be that at as it may, try to keep the hazing to a minimum. I’m still processing the paperwork from Stark’s brief workplace partnership with Deadpool.”
12. "What?! I was only gone for a week--seriously? What were you thinking? Building Utron--ooohhh Tony! I would just love to wring your neck! You built a murderbot! It stalked me!" Darcy yells.
Tony cringed trying to cover his ears, but Jarvis was playing the voicemail too loudly for it to be very effective.
“Make it stop!!”
Darcy just smirked, letting the recording from the previous year continue on a loop.
“Not until you admit that this idea is just as stupid!”
He glared, clearly having heard her over the sound from the speakers.
“I don’t know what you’re on about! An underwater compound and robot security mammals are a freaking genius idea!”
She rolled her eyes and popped her custom-made, noise-cancelling ear plugs in. She’d hidden Tony’s earlier in the day when she’d made her deal with Jarvis. It was going to be an interesting afternoon.
13. "Sit down before you blow a fuse, dude."
“I will not blow a fuse!” Tony grunted through his sentence, forcing his malfunctioning suit to move where he wanted it to. “This is a piece of genius Stark engineering. There’s no way I’ll blow a fuse.”
Darcy snorted.
“Sure, maybe if you hadn’t accidentally run your new prototype into the Hulk’s backhand swing, flown directly into the side of that concrete building, and then taken an accidental dip in whatever hazmat waste was in that tank beside said building.”
He huffed, but she wasn’t sure if it was indignation or lack of breath from actually physically moving his suit around.
“Jarvis said it wasn’t hazardous.”
“Yes, but did he say what it was?”
She couldn’t make out his mumble as he continued to grunt his way down the hall. That was, until something sparked, his right arm jerked, and then dropped to his side, slightly smoking at the shoulder.
Tony sighed.
“Not a word, Lewis. Not a word.”
His following threats of firing her were totally unfounded; a hyena laugh totally didn’t count as a word.