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Neil had never gone on a school trip before and was very excited to be going on Palmetto High’s Christmas ski trip.
He had been keyed up in the days leading up to it and could barely sit still when he’d gotten on the bus. Kevin had insisted that he sit beside him, like the good older brother that he was, but Neil was too antsy to keep his bum on the seat. Instead, he leaned over the seat in front to chat with Matt while they waited for the bus to fill up with the rest of the students on the trip. Neil couldn’t help but imagine the thrill of sliding quickly down a snowy hill with the satisfaction of a warm drink when he tramped into the lodge.
Then Andrew made his way to the back of the bus and Neil went very still.
Andrew was a year older than Neil and was one of Kevin’s best friends. He was also Neil’s friend, but things had been awkward recently. Neil had tried to bridge the gap, but he’d either fucked it up, or Andrew ignored him. It was upsetting, and Neil didn’t know what to do about it. If Andrew was going to be on the trip, it might not be as fun as Neil had imagined it would be.
But Matt was cheerfully joining in on a bus-wide song, and Kevin had researched all of the tips they needed in order to ski safely. Allison had brought a lot of fashionable clothing for them to model. Apparently, Stephanie had sent a variety of gingerbread with Renee and Dan was already munching on one as they drove off. Neil wanted to have fun with them all. He would just have to ignore Andrew for the duration of the trip.
Unless he wanted to talk about it, he supposed.
They were going to be at the lodge for four days. Or, rather, they would arrive late afternoon on day one, spend two days skiing, and the last day would be just one last trip down the mountain if they could squeeze it in before they left to attempt to return around the time the rest of the school would be letting out for the day. Neil briefly thought that that would be plenty of time for Andrew to talk to him.
However, he had forgotten to account for the fact that Andrew was scared of heights. He didn’t bother to go on the ski lifts when everyone else was, so Neil couldn’t corner him then. And, when they were in the lodge, he was hovering over his brother, keeping an eye on his interactions with Katelyn. Despite having the most fun he’d ever had, Neil found himself growing frustrated. It only got worse as they entered the evening of the third day.
That was when Kevin huffed out a frustrated breath and dragged Neil to the foosball table in the tiny ‘arcade’ room. Neil wasn’t sure why Kevin wanted him to play the annoying game with him, but he welcomed the distraction. He’d spent the last hour trying to catch Andrew’s eye or trying to ‘bump’ into him and failing.
Neil wished that human interactions were easier than they actually were.
“Okay,” said Kevin after a few minutes of them flicking the tiny ball around and getting nowhere. “What’s going on with you and Andrew?”
Eyes widening, Neil froze. Kevin quickly took advantage of that and scored a goal. Scowling, Neil retrieved the ball and set it back on the table. “What’re you talking about?” he mumbled as he tried to concentrate on the stupid figures and even the score.
“Don’t you dare,” Kevin told him, sacrificing a few players to point accusingly at Neil. It still didn’t give Neil the chance to score as he quickly shifted his hand and grabbed the goalie to keep the shot out.
Sighing, Neil battled for the ball for a moment. “There’s nothing-”
“Neil.”
“Okay! Okay…” Neil took a deep breath and let the ball roll past his stupid figure. Spinning the one it had just rolled by resulted in an own goal, but he didn’t bother retrieving it, staring at the figure he kept spinning, around and around. “You know that party we had last month? For Andrew and Aaron’s birthday.”
“Uh huh…” said Kevin, slowly.
Allison had thrown it at her place. With her parents away, she’d had plenty of space for a party, and they hadn’t had to ask the twins’ permission. They’d made it into a surprise party - Neil had warned Andrew about it beforehand. Presents had been given, alcohol had been consumed, dancing had happened, and…
“Me and Andrew slipped away. It was too noisy.”
“Yeah.”
“And, um…” Neil grimaced and spun another of his figures, one then the other, over and over. “We ended up in this tiny room at the other end of the house. It had a lock, so we made sure no-one could get in. We sat on the bed and chatted about stuff for ages. And then… And then, I said something, and Andrew looked at me, and…” He bit his lip.
“Something insulting?” Kevin asked.
Neil’s head shot up. “No ! I would never hurt Andrew like that! I never want to hurt Andrew. I…”
“You…?”
Shaking his head, Neil twisted, intent on leaving, then turned back and spun his figures again, probably far too hard. They rattled in their frame and Neil groaned. “He said he wanted to kiss me.”
There was a short silence. Neil looked up again to find Kevin staring at him, his eyes wide. “What?” he demanded. “Andrew’s never said anything- I’m his best friend!”
“I know,” said Neil, quietly. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t, but-”
“Woah! No. Stop.” Kevin raised his hands for a moment and closed his eyes. “That’s not important right now. We can talk about that in a minute. Just tell me what happened at the party. Did you kiss?”
“I… Yeah,” said Neil. His cheeks were hot and he knew they rivalled the Christmas lights that were strung around the room. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Anyway, we kissed for a bit and then… I… You know ”
“No?” said Kevin. Then realisation hit. “Ew! No, shut up!”
“Okay!” Neil raised his hands in surrender. “Anyway, we were both… interested… but then Andrew pulled away. Said some shit about how he shouldn’t have done that. How I didn’t like him like that and it was just curiosity and I didn’t want that. But I told him I wanted it, wanted him. I tried to kiss him. I didn’t even ask, just went in for one, but he rolled away. You know he doesn’t like being touched. But I betrayed his trust, right? I didn’t even ask.” Neil ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
Kevin stared at him for a moment. Neil could almost hear the gears grinding. “Okay, so… I can see why Andrew would think you didn’t want anything. You’re asexual. You’ve told us all so.”
“Well, yeah,” said Neil, giving Kevin a perplexed look. “It’s a spectrum, Kevin. I think I’ve just figured out that I’m…” He paused. Neil had wanted to tell Andrew about this first, but it seemed important to the conversation. He supposed he would have to settle for Kevin. “I’m pretty sure I’m demisexual.”
And it was obvious that Kevin had done his research, because he didn’t ask what it meant or seem the least bit confused. Neil loved his brother a little bit more for that. “But…” Kevin said, slowly. “But that means… that you have feelings for Andrew.”
Neil grimaced. “Yeah. But he doesn’t really do feelings, does he? He goes out on a date with a guy and then never sees them again. Kisses someone at a school dance, then ignores them. And, um, that’s what he’s doing to me.”
“He’s- What?” Kevin demanded.
“Well, he won’t talk to me anymore. He used to hang out with me in the library when we had free periods. We’d make fun of all the nerds.”
“You are a nerd.”
“Or he’d come pick me up sometimes and we’d go for a drive, but he’s not done that in a month.”
“Huh? Hang on-” Kevin began, clearly wondering why he didn’t know about that titbit, but Neil didn’t want to tell him.
“And we’d eat lunch together, but I’ve not seen him at lunch for ages. And now…” Neil gestured behind him, towards where Andrew was keeping to the other side of the room. “He wants nothing to do with me. But I don’t understand why.”
“I… think I need more information,” Kevin said, slowly. He still looked as if Neil had completely blown his mind.
Neil took a deep breath. “Well, look, sure I have feelings for Andrew. And we kissed a bit at the party. But if he doesn’t want more than that, then I’m happy for things to go back the way they were, and I’ll just ignore it.”
“I don’t think you can ignore something like-”
“So, why won’t he talk to me? Did he realise I’ve got a crush on him? Does he hate that so much that he never wants to see me again?”
“I…” Kevin stopped and took a deep breath. “Okay, so, I don’t know what’s going on in his head. He hasn’t said anything to me, like I said. And neither do you. So don’t think like that, okay? He probably thinks he took advantage of you, or something. He’s a year older than you, after all, and you’re his best friend’s impressionable younger brother.”
“Hey!”
“So, don’t put yourself down. We just need to get you both in the same room, at the same time, with no-one around. Without raising his suspicions.” Kevin grimaced. “This is gonna be difficult.”
“You see what I have to deal with?” Neil said with exasperation. “It’s impossible. I’ve tried so many different ways to get him on his own, but I think I’m just gonna have to wait until he comes to me . Which might be the end of time. Urgh!” He threw his hands in the air. “This weekend has been torture!”
“Wait.” Kevin looked stricken. “Have you not been having a good time?”
“Well, yeah,” said Neil, uncomfortably. “But then I’ll see Andrew on the other side of the room and I’ll want to go to him, and he’ll turn away. And all I can think about is grabbing him and dragging him into a- a corner and telling him that I like him. I really, really like him.” Neil grimaced. “But more than that. It’s more than like, and I-”
There was a clatter from the doorway and Neil froze. Slowly, he turned and, when he couldn’t see anything, he made his way to the door. Kevin was silent behind him, probably just as worried as Neil. If anyone had overheard them… Allison would make it into some sort of bet, and Neil couldn’t deal with that on top of Andrew’s avoidance. Of course, that wouldn’t be the worst case scenario. No, that would be if…
Andrew was pressed against the wall just outside the room. He had a half-melted tub of ice cream in his hand. Neil figured the spoon was what he’d dropped. With a sharp intake of breath, Neil stepped back a little, his eyes wide. They stared at each other for a long moment.
“How… How much did you hear?” he whispered.
“Oh, no,” Kevin said, and Neil could see him moving around the foosball table to get to him.
But his focus was all on Andrew. The older boy swallowed, always a production that Neil loved to watch, but he could tell that Andrew was rattled. Maybe he should leave Andrew alone so that he could calm himself. But… how much had he heard? Did he hear his name? Or had he heard only the very end of it and was just shocked that Neil liked someone in that way.
“I…” Andrew said, pausing when he glanced at Kevin. He had come up to Neil’s side and he had a comforting hand on Neil’s shoulder. Neil didn’t dare turn to look at his brother. It would be too overwhelming. “I heard all of it,” Andrew admitted.
Neil gasped. If he’d heard the entirety of Neil’s confession, then Andrew would now know that Neil had given Andrew’s secrets to Kevin. He would hate Neil all the more. Taking a step back, Neil prepared to leave, to run away to his and Kevin’s room. Since they were leaving tomorrow, he could hide there until it was time to get on the bus.
It could be his turn to avoid Andrew.
But Andrew knew him, and he saw Neil’s panic. He quickly reached for Neil before stopping himself. “Don’t,” he murmured, his eyes trained on Neil. “I… think I fucked up.”
Neil’s eyes widened. “I thought you didn’t do regret,” he said, tentatively.
“I thought I’d forced it on you,” Andrew told him, quickly. “You’re my friend; I thought that you were only kissing me because I’d asked. Maybe to see what all the fuss was about. But you were only doing it because I pushed you into it with the conversation. Not that I meant to. I…”
“That was stupid,” Neil told him, fiercely. “I know you’d never hurt me, Andrew. It’s not your fault. I should have said something at the time…”
“Stop apologising,” Andrew snapped. “That’s the first thing you said to me afterwards, when it should have been me.”
“But-”
“Don’t-”
“Okay,” said Kevin suddenly, clapping his hands together. “So, we’ve established neither of you are to blame and that you both really like-like each other. Can we move onto the kissing and making up part of this so I can go get something to eat?”
“Kev,” Neil hissed.
“Leave,” said Andrew, making shooing motions at Kevin.
With a relieved, happy grin, Kevin stepped around Neil. “Be careful with my brother, Andrew. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, Neil.”
“Urgh, get out of here,” groaned Neil.
Once Kevin was out of sight and earshot, Neil looked back at Andrew. “ Do you like-like me?”
Andrew closed his eyes for a moment. He looked to be in genuine pain for a moment, but Neil had a sneaking suspicion that he was reacting to the phrase rather than Neil asking the question. “Yes,” he said. “I want to kiss you and… other things.”
Neil raised an eyebrow and grinned at Andrew. “‘Other things’, huh? You might be going a bit fast for me there.”
“You don’t need to do any of that,” Andrew quickly clarified. “And I wasn’t referring to that, anyway.”
“Oh?” Neil asked, feeling a blush creeping across his cheeks.
Again, Andrew closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. “Can I…?” When he lifted his hand, he stopped it a mere inch away from Neil’s.
Eyes widening, Neil nodded. “Yes.”
Slowly, Andrew took hold of Neil’s hand. On instinct, Neil turned his a little and Andrew quickly slipped his fingers between Neil’s until their hands were locked together. “This,” Andrew whispered.
“Oh,” said Neil, dumbly. He swallowed. “Yes. I want that, too.”
The corners of Andrew’s mouth twitched upwards into a tiny smile. Neil couldn’t help but follow his lead, completely entranced by how happy Andrew was. With a gentle tug, Andrew pulled Neil closer. There was no hesitation in Neil’s willingness to shift closer.
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, and Neil knew exactly what he meant.
“Yes. Yes, Andrew. Yes.”
Andrew pulled him still closer by his hand. They were chest to chest then, barely touching. Neil could still feel the heat coming from Andrew and his breath caught. He wasn’t given a chance to recover. Andrew was already leaning up, and Neil instinctively, reflexively, leant down to reach him. Their lips brushed, then were pressed together. Something inside Neil lit up and he knew that this was it. There was no-one else for Neil.
When they finally pulled apart, Neil grinned at Andrew and Andrew huffed out a put-upon breath. “What?” he asked, though Andrew’s cheeks were a happy pink.
“Well,” said Neil, carefully. Andrew narrowed his eyes and Neil’s grin grew. “We’ve got some time tomorrow morning. Wanna come skiing with me?”
Andrew closed his eyes for a moment. “Fine.”
Neil’s eyebrows shot up and his smile turned fond. “Huh. You would really put yourself through that? Just for me?”
“Shut up.”
Laughing, Neil squeezed Andrew’s hand and swung it through the air. “Aww,” he said, unable to help himself. “You do like me.”
Andrew tried to leave, but Neil used his grip on Andrew’s hand to pull him into another kiss.