Work Text:
(Legoshi and Bill are sitting at a diner).
Legoshi: So... Haru's pregnant.
Bill (stops eating): Come again?
Legoshi: I said Haru's pregnant.
Bill (barely invested): No shit? Who's the father?
Legoshi (annoyed): Take a wild guess...
Bill: Is it Louis?
Legoshi (deadpan): No.
Bill: Kibi?
Legoshi (still deadpan): Still no.
Bill: Pina?
Legoshi: Hell no.
Bill: Els?
Legoshi: You do realize I know over a hundred thousand ways to kill you and make it look like suicide, right? (Sighs). You leave me no choice...
(Smoke bombs explode. When Bill's vision clears, he's on a game show set, Legoshi's dressed in a suit and tie, and Louis and Juno are his lovely assistants. They're both dressed like Zootopia dancers).
Legoshi (à la Alex Trebek): Hello there! Welcome to The Price Ain't Right! I'm your host, Legoshi the Gray Wolf!
Louis: What the...!? I was downtown hosting a business meeting!
Juno: And I'd just left the doctor's office!
Bill: How the hell did you even do this, mutt!?
Legoshi (all smooth and whatnot): What's the matter, Billy Boy? Never been on a game show before? (A giant monitor activates behind Legoshi. It reads "Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions for $0"). What're you waiting for, tiger douche? Pick a category already. I have to go home to my pregnant wife.
Bill: Uh... I'll take Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions for zero dollars, Alex--I-I mean, Legoshi.
Legoshi: First and final question: Who is the father of my future child?
A. Me, Myself and I
B. Yours Truly
C. Ita-san's Favorite
D. The Main Character
E. The Only Fictional Wolf with More Charisma and Sex Appeal than Shirou Ogami
F. Ligma
G. Yo Mamma
H. All of the Above
I. Some of the Above
J. I'm a Complete and Utter Dipshit
You have till the count of ten. Go!
(Jeopardy Theme plays on an endless loop. Bill nervously looks at the buzzer).
Bill: Uh... (Presses buzzer). I pick F!
Legoshi (stern): Is that your final answer?
Bill: I changed my mind! I pick G! (Legoshi glowers miserably). Uh... J?
Legoshi: Close enough. Get the fuck outta my sight. (Bill scampers off).
Louis: That's one of the seven words you can't say on TV!
Legoshi (deadpan): Imma go ahead and file that under "Look at All the Fucks I Give."
???? (out of frame): I'm so disappointed in you, Legoshi. I taught you better than this.
Legoshi: Now's really not the best time, Grandpa.
????: You sure you can't pay us overtime?
Legoshi: Sorry, Jack. Just paid my mortgage day before yesterday. My manna's all tapped out.
????: I was treating a meat addict patient, dumbass!
Legoshi: How? By pounding the living shit outta them? How's that working out so far, Gouhin-san?
Random Patient: It's working great! I only thought about eating meat twice today. I was too busy blacking out and having one concussion after another to continue.
Legoshi: Good for you, buddy.
Agata (pops out of nowhere, dressed like a student): You hosting Love Connection?
Melon (also pops out of nowhere, dressed like baby Cupid, lots of neon lights arrows pointing at him): Here's today Eligible Bachelor! By the way, is your rabet waifu seeing somebody?
Everyone: 0_0