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“Do you have any plans for winter break, Percy?” Lexi, a girl in his Early Development and Education class, asked him as they walked out of their final. She was nice, a legacy of Venus, with blue eyes and long dark brown hair. She looked as if love was a person, with an infectious smile. Percy had first thought she looked a lot like Silena but had quickly pushed away the thought.
“Uh, yeah. I’m heading back home, to New York,” Percy responded.
“That’s right! Is New York pretty?” Lexi asked, leaning forward and lowering her voice as if she was committing a crime by mentioning the city.
“I guess you could say that. It’s pretty in certain areas.” Percy smiled slightly, memories of walking in the snow with lights illuminating the night running through his head. Then the memories shifted to images of snow with streaks of blood, Annabeth screaming as she fell off a cliff, and Percy making Nico a promise. The smile disappeared.
“I bet. I’ve never been outside New Rome,” Lexi said. They walked out of the room and into the chilly December air, although it was still much warmer than Percy was used to for Christmas.
“Never? At all?” The idea was crazy to Percy. Yeah, he had lived in New York his whole life but he couldn’t imagine never leaving the city. The prospect of stability and routine actually sounded a little nice, but it also sounded suffocating.
“Nope. New Rome is all I’ve ever known.” They stopped at a coffee cart and Percy gratefully took the latte (with three extra espresso shots.) Lexi’s voice hinted at bitterness, which Percy thought was justified. “Send me pictures?”
“Definitely.” Percy smiled genuinely. Aphrodite (technically, Venus but the same difference, really) kids always seemed to help Percy feel better and happier. He guessed it was their love magic but he didn’t really care either way, he just appreciated the feeling.
Lexi smiled and walked off to her dorm, giving him a Happy Holidays.
There were no Christmas decorations in New Rome, instead, buildings had Saturnalia wreaths and garlands. Christmas and Saturnalia had some similarities, as Christianity took after a lot of different religions, but it still felt very different to Percy. He didn’t even fully celebrate Christmas as he wasn’t Christian, but he still felt like an imposter.
He didn’t belong here. He didn’t even know how to spell Saturnalia, much less celebrate it. It was just another thing that added to the long list of things that made him different from everyone else in New Rome. Part of him was still expecting someone to put everything together and then kick him out. They would stop him on the street and yell, Get out, Graecus! with swords at the ready.
He walked back to his apartment, already dreading the studying that awaited him. He only had one more final, Introduction to French Linguistics. He had taken the class in hopes it would be semi-easy, considering he already knew a bit of French. Boy, was he wrong. He wished Silena was still around to help him with the class. She had been a good teacher, albeit not the most patient.
He tiredly opened the door to his apartment, hoping to get a few hours of sleep before heading to some coffee shop or library to cram before his last final. But, right as he lay down on his bed, he remembered that he had to pack. He was heading to New York with Annabeth the day after tomorrow and he had not packed at all. He wasn’t even completely sure where his suitcase was. He probably didn’t need one. He had gotten used to living off of nothing during his multitude of quests.
Eh, he could wait until tomorrow morning.
He ended up oversleeping so he did not have time to study before his final. That was frustrating but Percy wasn’t too discouraged. The worst part was that he was still tired despite the 11 hours of sleep.
He and Annabeth left around 11 a.m. the next day. He was 95% sure he had failed his French Linguistics final but was determined not to think about it until he had to.
“I can drive if you want. You should get some sleep,” Annabeth said as Percy yawned for the 5th time in 10 minutes. Percy considered the offer. Yes, he was exhausted. And yes, the drive was going to take over 2 days so it was fair to split up the driving time. But…well, there was no ‘but’. There was no con to letting Annabeth drive. Percy didn’t even know why he was so reluctant. She just did so much for him that he wished he could do something in return.
Percy sighed and pulled into a gas station parking lot. “Sure.”
He slept for another 5 hours. Annabeth tried to wake him up for dinner, and then he fell asleep in the restaurant. He was fairly embarrassed, to say the least.
When they got to the hotel, Percy felt terrible. Not only was he still exhausted but he was nauseous and lightheaded, and his head felt like someone was hammering a hot nail into his cerebral cortex. Plus, he felt bad for making Annabeth drive the entire day. She said it was fine, but Percy knew it had to have been annoying.
Of course, when he was actually supposed to be sleeping, Percy was wide awake. He tossed and turned the entire night, spending half the time counting the seconds on the hotel clock in a desperate attempt to keep his mind off other things.
One, two, three…
He just had to close his eyes, shove his face in the pillow and maybe his brain would shut up.
Seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven…
The sound of the fan kicked on and Percy welcomed the background noise. But then, the fan sounded too much like the ocean. Usually, he would find that comforting but after Jason’s…passing, the ocean had felt less welcoming than it usually did. Instead, it filled him with a feeling of guilt, remorse, and blame. Like the sea itself was blaming Percy for not going on that damned quest.
One-hundred fifty-two, one-hundred fifty-three, one-hundred fifty-four…
This was torture. He would rather be doing anything else rather than not being able to fall asleep. Percy was convinced that there was little to nothing worse than needing sleep and being so tired, but not being able to get it.
Eventually, he stopped counting the seconds. It was getting redundant. At 4 am, he got up and went down to the hotel lobby.
The employee at the front desk looked at him with a mix of sympathy and a little bit of something like judgment, or maybe fear. He was sure he looked crazy. He was in socks, pj pants, and a white tank top. His hair was a mess and he definitely had bags under his eyes. Nevertheless, the employee was nice and thankfully did not try to engage in small talk. Percy wasn’t sure he could take it.
He picked out a few breakfast options, having to physically force himself not to look at the calories, and poured himself a coffee. He paid for his items and went back up to his room. He snuck back into the hotel room without waking Annabeth up, which he considered a success. She deserved the sleep. He felt guilty about making her drive all this way. He knew it would be easier to fly to New York. If he wasn’t such a problem then she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of driving cross-country.
She woke up about two hours later. Percy had been watching Impractical Jokers on the tv (because the remote wasn’t working and he couldn’t change the channel.)
She took one look at him before she asked, “Did you sleep at all last night?”
Percy cursed in his mind. “Is it that obvious?”
“Percy,” Annabeth said. Uh oh, the real name. “Are you okay? I know you were stressed about finals but you look terrible.”
“Thanks,” Percy said so dryly that he winced. The sarcasm just slipped out. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“It’s okay. Just, are you okay? Like, actually. Don’t just say you’re fine or something. I want to know how you’re doing.” Annabeth’s gaze was intense, which Percy could usually handle, but the amount of concern, care, and pure love in her eyes was overwhelming. Percy felt a lump coming up in his throat.
“I’ll be okay. I’m just exhausted from finals,” Percy said. It wasn’t a complete lie. He was exhausted, it was just the same exhaustion he had felt his entire life. The same tiredness that seemed to grow with each day he survived, every quest he went on, and the growing number of friends he had lost. But, it was okay. He had fought gods and walked through literal Hell. He was a war general at 15, for gods’ sake! This was nothing he couldn’t handle. He was just being dramatic.
Annabeth didn’t look convinced. She sighed, looking hurt. That didn’t make Percy feel any better.
“I promise. I’ll talk to you if I have a problem.” He rubbed her arm and tried for a reassuring smile. He felt extremely guilty for lying to her but he didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t deserve to be pelted with his overdramatic feelings and emotions. Who was he to complain, anyway? Other people had it way worse. Annabeth has it way worse.
“Okay.” Annabeth kissed him before standing up and walking to the bathroom. It was silent but not awkward as the couple packed up and got ready to drive to New York.
Then, they were back on the road.
They got to the Blofis household at around 9 pm. Sally and Paul had moved to a bigger apartment around September. How they could afford it, Percy had no clue. He suspected divine intervention. It had three bedrooms in it which, in New York, is insane.
Since they had moved while Percy was in California, he no longer had a specific room. Percy wasn’t sure how to feel about that. They put all of his old stuff—including his old bed, clothes he left behind, decorations, etc—in one room but it wasn’t his. Sure, he had moved out. He didn’t need a room there. But it felt like a symbol of him officially growing up. He wasn’t ready for that.
Paul and Sally stayed up for about an hour once they got there but it was clear they were exhausted. Percy could relate.
Paul stayed in the living room with Percy as Annabeth unpacked and Sally got ready for bed. Annabeth and Percy would be staying in ‘Percy’s room’—or rather, where all his old stuff was. Sally had also invited Nico and, by extension, Will over for Christmas. They would be staying in the other bedroom.
“Want a cup of coffee?” Paul asked, already pouring Percy a cup.
Percy gratefully took it and smiled, although it probably looked more like a grimace. He sighed. He didn’t understand his feelings or the holidays or anything. This was the best his life had ever been. He had a father he loved (Paul), his mother was alive and well, and the majority of his friends were okay and in his life. He and the love of his life were at college and Percy was studying something that he enjoyed, for once. So, why wasn’t he happy? It didn’t make sense. He was in a happy situation. Shouldn’t his feelings reflect his situation? What was so wrong with him that his body seemed to reject happiness? Why did he always find the bad in every situation and focus on that? He knew he was pessimistic and could benefit from having a more positive outlook on life, but this was more than that. He was so deeply unhappy and he couldn’t understand why.
He was a terrible son. And boyfriend, and friend, and person. He was just terrible. Everybody in his life cared and tried so hard to make him happy but he was so ungrateful that nothing worked. They deserved better than him. They deserved someone who would actually appreciate their hard work. Someone who could be happy. Someone not like him.
“Percy, kiddo. You there?” Paul smiled kindly, somehow making Percy feel like a kid again. Not in a bad way. More in a ‘holy-crap-I-need-a-hug-from-my-dad’ way.
“Yeah, sorry. Were you saying something?” Percy apologized, internally cursing himself.
“Not really. Do you want something to eat? Annabeth said that you guys haven’t eaten since 5. Your mom made cookies!” Paul reached for the tin.
Normally, the thought of his mom’s cookies would make his mouth water and fill his body with happiness. But lately? The idea of blue food made him sick. Especially around the holidays. The smell and sight of the cookies flooded Percy’s brain with memories. The smell of beer, yelling, and ESPN playing on the tv as Percy picked up shards of broken beer bottles and ornaments off the disgusting carpet. The memories filled Percy with a childlike fear. Stupid, he thought. He had faced gods and monsters since he was 12. He shouldn’t be scared of his ex-stepfather who was long dead.
“No thanks. I ate a lot at dinner.” It was a bad lie but Paul didn’t call him on it. Instead, he switched the Christmas tree on and handed Percy the remote.
“Go ahead and watch whatever you want. Nico and Will are coming tomorrow around noon. I’m going to go to bed. Sleep well. I love you,” Paul said in an understanding tone.
“Love you too,” Percy replied immediately. He stared at the Christmas tree as Paul padded to the master bedroom. Once Percy heard the door click, he reached over and grabbed the family DVD case. He flicked through the (mostly old) movies, eventually landing on “The Santa Clause.” That was his favorite Christmas movie.
As a kid, he used to try and believe that his dad was actually Santa Claus and that was why he couldn’t ever come home. He would dream about his dad coming through the chimney with a bag full of presents, leaning down and kissing Percy on the forehead, just like Percy had seen dads do to their sons at school. It was a stupid thought.
“You coming to bed, Seaweed Brain?” Annabeth asked, standing near the couch with a toothbrush in her hand.
Percy’s brain froze and it took him a second to process her words. “Oh, um, yeah. I was just watching a movie.”
Annabeth studied Percy’s face for a second. It frustrated Percy that he couldn’t easily read her expressions. As someone who had relied on reading people and understanding body language to survive, he constantly felt like he was lost when he was around her. He wasn’t complaining though. He trusted her. (He chose to ignore how much his thoughts sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that fact.)
“Okay.” Annabeth’s voice held a tone that Percy couldn’t decipher.
“I love you!” Percy said as she turned to walk back.
“Love you too!” Annabeth said and smiled at him. The words and gesture made Percy feel better than they probably should.
Percy ended up falling asleep on the couch before the movie was over. He woke up with his head in Annabeth’s lap as she sipped coffee and watched a movie. He stayed there for a second, breathing in the scent of lemon shampoo. It briefly made the constant pain he held in his bones wash away.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Annabeth smiled down at him, carding her fingers through his hair. “Did you sleep good?”
“Yeah,” Percy said despite the fact he still felt exhausted. His voice was still thick and heavy with sleep, his New York accent very evident. “What ‘bout you?”
“I slept good,” Annabeth said.
“Is that Percy I hear?” Sally said, coming around the corner with a cup of coffee and a homemade Danish.
“Hi, Ma.” Percy reluctantly pushed himself into a sitting position, uncomfortable with cuddling with his girlfriend while his mother was in the room. “Good mornin’.”
Percy had slept in until around 10. Once he was up, they quickly put him to work (he volunteered.) He was setting up the air mattresses in the third bedroom for Nico and Will. Percy was a little nervous about seeing the two. He was still convinced they both hated him. If he was in their position, he sure would. Nico had assured him that there was no bad blood between them, but Percy still felt it.
So, when they got to the apartment, Percy had subconsciously blended into the background. He was good at making himself invisible. He could just sit there and listen and people would forget he was there. He did that with Gabe a lot when he was younger. If he was silent and didn’t ask for anything and didn’t move or breathe or act like he was alive, there was a smaller chance of setting Gabe off.
After Gabe was gone, it was a little hard to break the habit. Whenever he was uncomfortable or overwhelmed, he automatically turned into himself. He went silent and got small so people would forget he was there.
He was sitting outside on the fire escape, eating a bag of chips and watching people bustle around in the streets. It was quiet but a New York quiet, so not quiet at all. Percy loved it. He wasn’t expected to be someone or something. Nobody was watching him. Here, he was just a random kid.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding all day,” Nico said from behind Percy. Percy flinched and his hands went up to cover his face subconsciously, then he acted like he was running his hands through his hair. It was a terrible save but Percy hoped it looked casual enough. He liked Nico but the kid needed to learn how to make noise when he walked.
“I wouldn’t say that I’ve been hiding.” Percy deflected. “It’s just quieter out here.” It wasn’t really but Nico didn’t call him on it.
Instead, he hummed and sat beside Percy. Neither of them talked. Percy clicked his tongue and drummed his fingers on his knees, uncomfortable with the now-awkward silence.
“You and Will are dating now? That’s good. You’re good together. You deserve to be happy,” Percy said awkwardly, desperately searching for something to say.
“Yeah, I guess. I really like Will.” Nico seemed fine with the silence as he stared out at the city.
Percy sighed, suddenly getting nauseous. What was wrong with him? He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I’m gonna go see if Mom needs any help with…anything.”
Percy awkwardly climbed back through the window, cursing himself. He was probably making Nico feel bad. That wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t he just be friendly and communicative like Annabeth? Or Piper, or Leo, or Jaso-
Stop. Stop. Just stop it.
He plastered a smile on his face. He wasn’t going to ruin the holiday for everybody else. He would be pleasant. They deserved it.
“Hey, Will! How you doing?” Percy asked as he walked into the kitchen. Will was sitting at the counter, helping Sally shape Christmas cookies.
“I’m good! How are you?” Will smiled at him. Percy quickly tried to find a nonexistent dig in his words. Will had to be resentful toward him. It didn’t make sense that he wasn’t.
“I’m good! You guys need any help?” Percy said, sitting down next to Will.
“You can help me with the frosting, sweetie.” Sally handed him a bowl.
Percy was very grateful that he had something to do. He loved vacations but hated relaxing. It gave him too much time to think. He needed to distract himself or he would spiral and ruin the entire holiday season. He couldn’t do that to his family.
“How’s school going? You’re an education and linguistics major, right?” Will asked. Percy’s brain froze for a second, making him forget everything about his life. Crap, small talk.
“Uh, yeah. I am. And it’s going pretty good! How’s camp?” Percy tried to switch the subject off himself.
“It’s good! Kayla is currently obsessed with this new singer so I’m trying to get her something from him. I think I may have to ask my dad to do it, though.” Will took off talking. He seemed to sense that Percy didn’t want to. Percy was thankful for that. He didn’t deserve the kindness.
Annabeth and Paul were out doing some last minute shopping. The thought of trying to shop right before Christmas in New York sounded like torture to Percy, but he understood wanting to get out of the house. Once they got back, they took over the room Annabeth and Percy were staying in to wrap presents.
Percy and Annabeth had also convinced Grover to stop by for dinner, though he sadly couldn’t stay for Christmas. Sally was excited to see the satyr again. Percy had held steadfast to his friend, not wanting to lose the longest friendship he had ever had. Grover was his first real friend and he wasn’t about to destroy that.
There was a knock at the door and Percy practically teleported to open it.
“G-man!” Percy yelled.
“Percy!” Grover bleated. Grover immediately pulled Percy into a hug. He was now at least 2 inches taller than Percy, not counting his horns.
It took them exactly 2.5 seconds to fall back into their typical dynamic. Being with Grover always made Percy’s mood a bit better, even when he was in a deep spiral. They just understood each other. Grover brought out Percy’s inner child who was always desperate for the chance to make an appearance.
“Boys! Will you set the table for dinner?” Sally asked, looking at the pair fondly. She enjoyed seeing her son have the chance to act like the child he never got the luxury of being. She felt extremely guilty for that, although, logically, she knew it wasn’t her fault. Percy took after her with that habit.
“Sure, Ma!” Percy’s smile was completely genuine for the first time in months.
“Of course, Mrs. Jackson!” Grover’s eyes barely left his best friend’s.
Their friendly banter filled the apartment as they set the table. It surprised everyone to see Percy like this. Not serious and joking around, looking a type of happy most of them had never seen before. A kind of happiness that Sally hadn’t seen since before Gabe. She hoped that meant he was healing but she knew better than to truly let herself believe that.
“I always hated George W. Bush. He was stupid and his face was too tiny for his head,” Percy said, putting down silverware.
“What?!” Grover asked. “What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know, his face is just really disproportionate to the rest of his body.” Percy tried to explain.
“You sound like Drew,” Will pointed out good-naturedly.
“Well, sometimes Drew has a point. And she sounds like me . I’m older than her. She’s the one who stole my personality, not the other way around.” Percy laughed. It was genuine. He wondered if that feeling was because of Grover. Or maybe Paul. It was a little off-putting to feel so happy and carefree after being so stressed. He was waiting for something to set him off or cause the feeling to fall away.
Dinner felt like what Percy imagined a family dinner would feel like. Percy had never experienced family dinners. When he was growing up, his mom was always working and Gabe sure wasn’t going to even bother making food, much less sitting down to eat with Percy. He usually would go out on the street and find something to eat. Whether that was a random shop owner or neighbor taking pity on him and giving him food or stealing some from a nearby bodega, Percy had never been picky. As long as he ate.
When he was younger, he would dream of having family dinners. With an actual dad and siblings and his mom. An older sister who would make funny faces at him from across the table and an older brother who would ruffle his hair and share his earbuds so they could listen to music while eating. A dad who would cut his food up into pieces. In those dreams, his dad looked suspiciously like Robin Williams, and his sister would be played by a young Audrey Hepburn. These actors' faces only further proved that dreams were just dreams. They would never happen.
Grover and Percy spent hours talking into the early hours of the morning. They talked about everything under the sun, cups of coffee growing cold. They talked about deep stuff, childhood trauma, old friends, inside jokes. Everything, anything, and nothing. These conversations with Grover always seemed to give Percy a mental restart. They washed away all the pain and maturity, leaving him feeling like a kid again. He wondered if this was how therapy felt.
Grover left at around 6 a.m. after saying goodbye to everyone. Percy—having gotten zero sleep—immediately went and took a nap, feeling completely exhausted now that the happiness of being around his best friend had faded.
“Hey, Seaweed Brain! Want a candy cane?” Annabeth asked as she pulled a candy cane out of nowhere and handed it to him. “How was your nap?”
“It was good? Where’d you get a candy cane?” He looked groggily at the blue and green striped candy. Then up at Annabeth’s flushed and jolly face. With braids in her hair and a red sweater, she looked like the epitome of Christmas spirit. The sight filled Percy with a feeling of love and comfort. He was glad that she could enjoy holidays like this. She had always loved Christmas, especially once they got together. He figured it hadn’t been very happy when she was younger and now she had decided to try and make the most of the holidays with her family. Percy wished he could put the past behind himself like that.
“Oh, don’t worry about that. Me and Paul need your help deciding which movie to watch. Christmas Eve is serious. We can’t just watch any old Christmas movie!” She was smiling in a way that Percy hadn’t seen her smile since before the war.
He would never, ever, ever admit it but he was a little jealous about how happy she seemed. But he was mostly glad for her. She completely deserved it. He guessed that was what it all boiled down to. Annabeth had always been right. She was right about everything. Her existence was all about joy and being a gift. She was a literal miracle baby.
Percy was the complete opposite. Nobody wanted him. He was a mistake and that was it. He didn’t deserve to be happy like Annabeth deserved to be happy. Those who deserved good things would always get good things in the end, and those who didn’t would get what they deserved. Percy deserved the pain and suffering. It was what he got for doing the terrible things he had done; for causing the horrible things his existence caused. He had hurt people so he had to be miserable. He was just like Luke. He hurt people. His beginning was nothing but sad and his ending would be nothing but sad. It was the twisted circle of life.
“Percy?” Annabeth asked while the light in her eyes dimmed a bit.
“Yes. Yes, definitely! I vote ‘The Santa Clause’.” Percy said as he stood and plastered a smile on his face.
“You watched that last night!” Annabeth’s eyes slowly returned to their previous brightness. “We need the ultimate Christmas movie. Like ‘Home Alone’!”
“‘Home Alone’ is so overrated. It’s good but it’s not the best Christmas movie ever,” Percy argued playfully as they sat on the couch next to Paul.
“That’s what I said. I think we should watch ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’.” Paul said, lifting his blanket for Percy. “I used to watch that movie with my older sister every year on Christmas Eve.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Nico asked as he and Will walked into the living room.
“They are arguing over the best Christmas movie,” Sally said as she sat down next to Paul with a cup of coffee and a cookie.
“Oh, that’s easy. ‘A Christmas Carol’ is the ultimate classic.” Will said, also sitting down.
Sounds of outrage and disagreement sounded from everyone else.
“That’s crazy. ‘A Christmas Carol’?” Annabeth asked with barely concealed disgust. “
No
.”
“I think that ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ is really good,” Sally said, her face quickly shifting back into a polite expression from the affronted look it held at Will’s terrible opinion.
“I really like ‘Die Hard’,” Nico stated, putting in his two cents.
“‘Die Hard’ isn’t a Christmas movie,” Annabeth stated, still looking at the couple weirdly.
“If ‘Die Hard’ is a Christmas movie, so is ‘Gremlins’.” Percy held up his hands in a ‘just-saying’ way.
“Neither of those are Christmas movies!” Annabeth yelled, outraged. “We should just watch ‘Home Alone’ like I suggested.”
“I’m just saying, nobody has given any reason why we shouldn’t watch ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’,” Paul said, copying Percy’s earlier gesture.
“Why don’t we just watch all of them?” Nico asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“Oh. Yeah, I guess we could do that.” Percy said, reluctantly getting up and heading to the kitchen. “Hey, Ma! Do we have any-”
Percy paused as he stared at a pale pink blanket draped over one of the dining room chairs. It was fluffy with a white lace trim and a bow on the corner. He couldn't see it from here, but he knew there was a small coffee stain right under the bow from where Silena Beauregard had spilled her drink on it. He hadn’t seen that blanket in years.
He remembered sitting on Silena’s bed almost 2 and a half years ago. They were sitting under that exact blanket while watching ‘Roman Holiday’ because it had been Silena’s favorite Audrey movie.
“I think she should just run away with him forever! Go to like France or something!” Percy had said, waving around a piece of chocolate like a maniac.
“She can't! She has responsibilities! She’s a princess!” Silena said, stealing the chocolate out of his hand and putting it in her mouth.
“Yeah, responsibilities to a family that literally drugged her because she got overwhelmed. I’m really feeling the family loyalty there.” Percy stated sarcastically.
“You don’t get it. They love each other but they can never be together again. It’s romantic.” Silena laid her head on Percy’s shoulder.
“It’s depressing.” Percy hit her in the face with the corner of the blanket. She retaliated by hitting him with a pillow.
That was a week before Beckendorf and Percy took the Princess Andromeda. That was the last time he and Silena would talk without the weight of Beckendorf’s death hanging over them. Without them being haunted by Percy’s failure.
“What was that, sweetie?” Sally asked, now standing right in front of him. He was still absently staring at the blanket. “Are you okay?”
“Where’d you get that?” Percy asked bluntly, not even being fully present enough to feel bad.
“The blanket? I found it in your closet while we were moving. Is that okay?” Sally said cautiously. Percy barely noticed. “I was thinking it was weird that it was sitting there because I couldn’t remember getting it for you. Did you get it from a friend?”
“Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.” Percy turned around and started washing his hands, only trying to have something to do. He felt a lump in his throat and his eyes started stinging. No. No, he would not start crying over a blanket. He was 18 years old, not a toddler.
“Percy, honey.” Sally’s hand landed on his shoulder and Percy unintentionally flinched. Sally’s hand immediately fell, her face reflecting her hurt.
“I-I’m fine. I’m just going to, uh, just grab a sweatshirt.” He disappeared, grabbing the blanket on the way.
He buried his face in the blanket, desperately trying to prevent the tears. Memories of the war flooded his brain. Memories of hanging out with Silena and Beckendorf and the 10 minutes it took to take Silena’s damned helmet off. His feelings were a jumbled mess of guilt, resentment, and grief, but mostly he just felt tired. He just wanted everything to stop. He was feeling happy earlier. Everybody else was happy. Why did he have to ruin it? Why did he have to be such a terrible person?
There was a knock on the door but Percy didn’t notice. He stayed lying on the bed, his face buried in Silena’s blanket. Thankfully, his mom hadn’t washed it. It still smelled like gourmet chocolate and Silena’s perfume. Silent tears would now be staining it.
Paul sat on the corner of the bed and his hand touched Percy’s back, causing Percy to tense. Paul sighed. Percy didn’t move, but he relaxed more. Paul started rubbing slow circles into his son’s back. They stayed like that for a while, Percy lying down with his face shoved into the blanket, sobbing silently. Paul sitting behind him, rubbing his back but not saying anything.
Percy must’ve fallen asleep because he dreamt about Beckendorf, Silena, and him. They were all sitting around a small pond in the deep woods of camp. Percy was making shapes out of the water vapor as Silena and Beckendorf snacked on chocolate. They were talking about something but Percy couldn't remember what. It seemed important, though, and he was missing it! That made him frustrated. He felt like something about this was supposed to send him a message, but he didn’t get anything. They just kept talking with no sound, staring at Percy like he was an animal in a zoo. Percy tried to stand up, tried to shake them or get their attention or something. But he just sat there dumbly.
Paul woke him up for dinner. He had told everybody else that Percy had just felt very sick. Annabeth didn’t believe him and Will had wanted to check on him but Sally stopped them. He was grateful for that but he mostly just felt guilty. He shouldn’t have ruined the day over a stupid blanket.
Percy stayed lying down and Paul didn’t pressure him to get up. After a few minutes, Paul said, “They would never judge you, you know. I know that you had to be the strong one growing up but people are here for you and they will understand your grief. You never have to talk to anybody but they wouldn’t mind if you did.”
Percy didn’t respond but he did sit up and rub his face. Paul looked at him for a second before standing. “Do you want me to bring you some food?”
“No. No, it’s fine. I’ll get up, sorry.” Percy apologized and stood up. He ran a hand through his hair, both he and Paul ignored the strands that fell out at the movement.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Paul said gently. Gods, Percy didn’t deserve him.
Percy checked in the mirror before walking out the door. His eyes were slightly red but that would go away in a second.
“Hey, Perce! Feeling better?” Will asked, already sitting at the table.
“Yeah, I am. I just needed sleep.”
“Here! Have a candy cane! You too, Nico!” Annabeth handed them both candy canes that she, once again, summoned from nowhere. This time, Percy’s was a traditional red and white striped pattern.
“Thanks. Where do you keep getting these?” Percy asked, attempting to lighten the mood he was sure had soured at his arrival. That was just the effect his presence had on people. He was a bringer of bad feelings.
“Don’t worry about it!” Annabeth said, pulling him down to sit next to her. She smiled happily.
Paul and Sally exchanged a look, seemingly having a silent conversation through their eyes. Eventually, Sally sat at the head of the table closest to Percy, ruffling his hair as she passed. Percy had to physically stop himself from flinching. Gods, he was a mess.
Dinner passed by quickly and Percy immediately went to shower. When he got out, he felt considerably better. The water had rejuvenated him and briefly washed away some of the pain in his bones, although he knew it would be back soon.
Percy sat between his mom and Nico as they watched a movie on the tv. He had no idea what it was but it was okay. Thankfully, none of them talked, content to just sit quietly. Sally ran her fingers through Percy’s hair.
He fell asleep on the couch again. He wasn’t proud of it, but his mom was just so warm and the movie got boring. He woke up on Christmas morning to Annabeth kissing his head, a cup of coffee in hand.
“Thanks,” he said as she handed it to him. His voice was thick with sleep.
“Of course. You feeling okay? You look a bit pale.” Annabeth sat next to him, getting under the blanket that was draped over him sometime through the night. Their legs overlapped and Annabeth rested one of her hands in Percy’s hair.
They were the only people in the room. Percy assumed that everyone else was still asleep but he had no clue what time it was.
“‘M fine,” Percy responded, his eyes drifting closed every few seconds. He was not a morning person by any means.
Annabeth narrowed her eyes slightly but let it pass. She looked at him for a moment before looking at the Christmas tree. Percy wanted to say something. He wanted to open up, tell her that he actually felt totally sick and so, so tired. But the words got caught in his throat. A lump formed.
He leaned his head forward to rest it on Annabeth’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, their breathing syncing up.
Will, ever the morning person, eventually came out and joined them. None of them really talked, just exchanged the polite ‘good morning’s and ‘how’d you sleep?’s. Will turned on an old rerun of Scooby Doo but kept the volume very low. Will didn’t seem to have any problem with Percy. That just confused Percy. How could Will not hate him? Percy practically murdered Will’s entire cabin. He had hurt Will so much. But Will still smiled at him. Still said hi and treated Percy just like he treated everybody else. He was just nice like that. He was nice, sunny, and friendly. Percy wished he was friendly like that. He wished that he could still look at people the same. He wished he could still look at his friends and family the same. He wished he could still look at his father the same.
When Percy was a kid, he felt resentment toward his father. But then Poseidon had met him and praised him. He told him that he had done a good job. He acted like Percy was the greatest thing to ever exist. But as Percy grew up that praise got less and less frequent. Percy wasn’t blind. He saw the way his father looked at him. Poseidon looked at Percy just like how all the other gods did. Like Percy was a tool or weapon that needed to be kept under control.
Then, the resentment started to come back. It was slow at first. He was frustrated that his father allowed him to be kidnapped, but he rationalized it. Then, he was disappointed that his father did not interact with him at all during the quest on the Argo II, especially in Tartarus. But again, he rationalized it. He understood that his father was torn between his two forms.
Then, his father sent him on even more quests. He had not stopped the Olympians from giving Percy even more idiotic things to do to pay back his father’s debt. He refused to be biased on Percy’s behalf. That had probably been the start of the tipping point. Jason’s death didn't help.
Percy seemed to understand Luke more every day. Every second. Every moment of his existence just seemed to prove that Luke was right. He had been right about the gods and about the unclaimed children. But most of all, he had been right about Percy. Percy was a pawn to the Olympians, including his father. He would never be anything more.
The others trickled into the living room slowly. At around 10 am, they were ready to open presents. The holidays were weird to Percy. It never felt like any special day. It just felt like they were opening gifts from each other. It felt like they had decided to put decorations up. It didn’t feel like Christmas. Or maybe it did. Maybe Christmas did have a special feeling for everybody else and Percy was just messed up. That was probably the case.
Percy tried extremely hard to show his gratitude on his face. He was very happy with everything he got but he always felt like he never showed people. He felt like he needed to make sure they knew he was happy with everything. Show that he knew he didn’t deserve it and they were just doing it out of the kindness of their heart; show that he knew he shouldn’t take it for granted.
Will and Nico headed back to camp later that day. Percy and Annabeth would be leaving a few days later. He was determined to be pleasant and appear positive to everyone else.
Sally and Annabeth went out to get their nails done at around dinner time that day. Paul and Percy had decided to go to a pizza shop nearby. It was surprisingly uncrowded but Percy figured most people were having dinner with their families.
Percy remembered going out on the street on Christmas day with his friends when he was younger. It was typically freezing but they enjoyed that there were fewer people in the stores. The older boys would either steal or pay for Percy to get food. He remembered that one of the nicer guys once bought Percy a new jacket after Gabe had sold it to buy more beer. Percy had neglected to tell Sally because he knew they didn’t have the money for a new coat.
The guy, Tony, had been pretty deep into some not-great business. However, he made good money doing the work he was doing. He had been in a very similar position to Percy when he was a kid, and he never failed to get Percy some things that he knew Percy needed. Tony was generous like that.
Percy had attempted to find some of those older boys after he had moved out of East Harlem. However, he found out that half of them had died or ended up in jail. After discovering Tony had been killed by some cops, he stopped looking altogether. He had decided he would rather stay not knowing. That way his memories of them wouldn’t be tainted. Well, any more than they already were.
“Do you want another breadstick?” Paul asked, sitting across from him. He pushed one across the table before Percy could answer.
“Thanks,” Percy said quietly. He looked at the people around them. There was one singular worker behind the counter, a couple of teenagers with a younger kid sitting in the corner, and Percy and Paul. The younger kid stared at Percy. Percy just smiled back at him. One of the teenagers that the kid was with watched Percy warily. He recognized the look in their eyes. He hated how much he understood it.
“Are you enjoying school? Sorry, that sounds so boring to talk about.” Paul said, drawing Percy’s attention away from the group of kids.
“Uh, yeah. I am actually really enjoying it. I never thought I would say that about school but it’s super interesting.” Percy said, his smile growing a bit more genuine. Talking with Paul felt like Percy was healing his daddy issues one word at a time. He knew that was crazy but still.
“That’s exactly how I felt in college! It’s like a breath of fresh air, right? I walked in thinking it was about to be the worst years of my entire life and I ended up loving it.” Paul waved the waiter over to pay the bill.
“Yeah, it’s kind of amazing, to be honest. I never would have imagined that I would actually like school,” Percy said, laughing a bit to himself. It wasn’t completely fake.
“That’s good! You deserve to enjoy what you do!” Paul said. The words affected Percy more than they probably should have.
The father-son duo walked out of the pizza place. Neither of them was really going anywhere but they walked down the street. They talked about school, mostly. Paul gave him some fatherly advice that Percy was desperately in need of.
They got back to the apartment about 45 minutes later after walking around for a while. They ended up watching ‘Night at the Museum.’ They had already seen it a million times but Percy wasn’t complaining. He enjoyed the tradition with Paul. He wished Paul had been around when Percy was a kid. He definitely could have used someone like him.
Percy went to sleep that night a lot better than he started it. He still felt exhausted when he woke up, but it was less prominent. Slightly. A little. At least, it was if Percy didn’t focus on it.
He supposed that was all he could do in his position. If he just kept distracting himself from the problems, maybe they wouldn’t affect him as much. He could keep himself busy. He had school, friends, family, and a million other things to work on. It couldn’t be that hard. Even if it was, he would do what he had to.
Percy needed to keep it together for his family. He had to be worthy of their trust. He wouldn’t fail them. He had to be better than that. Percy wouldn’t let the cycle happen again. No matter the cost.