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When Grian had finally made it to the bar, Joel already had his face on the counter, beer in hand, with Jimmy cackling next to him.
“Has he blacked out already?” Grian asked, getting Jimmy’s attention
“Grian! You’re so late.”
“Yeah, yeah Tim. I told you, I was pressing my socks.” Grian sat on the stool on the other side of Joel
“And I told you, nobody does that”
“Well then call me Odysseus. Anyways, what's got him like that?”
“Joel’s got a new neighbor.”
“And they’re horrible?” Grian guessed.
“Basically.” Joel grumbled, moving his head so that it was resting on his arm. “She’s too nice”
“And Joel can’t possibly handle someone being a good person.” Jimmy teased
“I just feel like she’s trying to one up me. It feels fishy.”
“And what could she have possibly done to make you feel insecure?” Grian joked
“Shut up, I’m not insecure.” Joel pouted. “Anyways I was being a good neighbor by-”
“Wait, I need a drink before you start this.” Grian waved down the bartender to order.
“You’re the worst.” Joel smacked Grian in the arm
“Are you going to tell your story or not?” Jimmy prodded “Cause I can talk about work. Barbra’s been pissing me off.”
“Ooo, what did Barbra do this time?” Grian said as the bartender brought him his drink
“Well she-”
“No no, stop this. I’m telling a story” Joel interrupted.
“Didn’t seem like you were going to” Jimmy rolled his eyes
“No so my neighbor-”
“You’ve really got to just tell-” Grian was interrupted by Joel covering his mouth with his hand
“I’m telling a stor- AHH DID YOU LICK ME???”
“You deserved it.”
“YOu know what, you don’t deserve to hear my plight.”
“Noo Joel please, we’re sorry. Right Grian?”
Grian rolled his eyes. “Yeah sure, I’m sorry. What happened with your neighbor”
“Well, so she moved in like three-ish weeks ago, and I did the neighborly thing of bringing her some cookies, cause I’m an amazing neighbor. But then she returns the plate with cupcakes on it! Cupcakes!”
“oh wow, cupcakes.” Grian said dryly.
“You don’t get it. Cupcakes are way more effort than cookies. She one upped me, Grian.”
“You have all this beef with your neighbor over.. cupcakes?” Jimmy asked judgmentally.
“No, I knew how to retaliate from that, cause I’m the best neighbor. I brought her some of my honey.”
“Oh wow that's a big deal.”
“I know. And you wanna know what she did? She made me a pie. Out of my honey! A bloody pie! I don’t know how to top a pie!”
“So then stop competing in your one sided competition?” Grian suggested.
Joel looked at him like he was stupid. “God, do you even know me? No, I need you two to come up with what tops a pie.”
“I dunno man. I don’t think anything tops a pie.” Grian shrugged, Jimmy nodded in agreement. The three of them sat sipping their drinks pondering, what's better than a pie?
“I got it!” Jimmy slammed his drink down, earning him a glare from the bartender. “Nothing beats a pie.”
“Yes, Jim, we know.”
“So to beat a pie, you make her a pie.” Jimmy led on
“But she already made me a honey pie?”
“Dear god Joel, honey isn’t the only thing you do. Make her a glowberry pie.”
“Jimmy, that's genius!” Joel cheered, shaking Jimmy’s shoulder
“Yeah, real smart Tim.” Grian nodded. “Now if we're done with Joel, I’m dying to hear about what Barbra did.”
—
The next time Grian met up with The Boys was about two weeks later, in the random diner Jimmy was begging them to go to.
He walked over to the booth where they were already sitting with food. “You guys ordered without me? Rude.” Grian remarked as he hung his scarf on the coat hanger attached to the booth.
“Well we would’ve waited if you showed up on time.” Jimmy snarked.
“Sorry” Grian rolled his eyes “I had to iron my pool table”
“You don’t need to iron a pool table?!”
“Uhh, yes you do. It gets wrinkly.”
“Then must not have a very nice pool table”
“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” Grian reached across the table in an attempt to fight Jimmy, but before they really could do damage, they were interrupted by Joel’s loud dramatic sigh.
They looked over at him, hands still on each other's faces. Joel sighed again, resting his head on his hands.
“Okay, what's your problem Joel?”
“What? Me? I don’t have a problem.” He said before sighing loudly again.
Grian leaned back in his chair, bringing his hand to his head as if he was fake swooning. “Oh please Joel, do tell us what is plaguing your mind.” He said, faking a transatlantic accent.
“Yes sir, we must know the troubles of your life” Jimmy caught on, having a much worse attempt at the accent.
“Well, since you insist, I guess I can tell you.” Joel conceded. “So I recently gained this neighbor-“
“Oh not this again” Grian grumbled, dropping the accent.
“No, no, more has happened.” He assured. “So I baked her that pie, and I thought that was the end of it. I returned her pie pan, we both had given each other something, easy win for me. But no. She came back and returned my jars!”
“What?”
“She returned my honey jars, which frankly I’m grateful for, but while she was at my house she noticed that my front door was squeaky! Then she offered to ‘fix that right up’ and then got a can of oil. She oiled my hinges!”
“Oh wow. She fixed your door.”
“No it’s not just the door fixing. That means she’s handy. I’m not handy Grian. If anything noticeable happens I can’t be handy to fix it. It’ll be a constant cycle of her being better than me.”
“So how are you going to retaliate?” Jimmy asked
“I’m…shoveling her driveway.” Joel said, dejected.
“No.. Joel, you don’t even like shoveling your own driveway.”
“I know, but I can’t let her show me up. I would’ve offered to trim her hedges, but no, there just has to be a snow storm tonight.”
“Sounds like you’re in it for a rough time.” Grian frowned, stealing a fry from Joel’s plate. “Y’know what, I’ll pay for your food so you can focus on good shoveling tomorrow.”
“Really?!” Joel perked up.
“Yep. This neighbor saga seems like decent entertainment, and I’m waiting for you to make a fool of yourself.”
“While I don’t think I will make a fool of myself, I do appreciate free food. Thanks!” Joel went back to being cheery.
Jimmy looked at Grian with big eyes and a pout. “Do you want to pay for my food too?”
“Hmm…” Grian thought about it for a moment. “Nah.”
“WHAT!?”
“Shouldn’t have made fun of my table Timmy.” He shrugged.
“YOU-”
——
Grian didn’t see the two of them for another couple of weeks, when they finally met up at the bar again. Grian of course being fashionably late.
He shrugged off his coat and scarf before heading to where the boys were.
“So how’s the neighbor saga?” Grian asked, shaking Joel’s shoulder
“Ah well y’know-”
“No wait, we can’t ignore that you were late again, Grian.”
“We really can, Jimmy. Some people just have a life.”
“Oh I know you don’t have anything going on.”
“Wrong. I was shining my watchs.” Grian said smugly. “Look.” He held out his wrist so Jimmy could see his shiny watch.
Jimmy grabbed Grian’s arm, pulled it to his face, and licked the watch.
“GAH, Tim what the hell!”
Jimmy shrugged. “Guess you weren’t doing anything productive.”
“Count your days, buddy. I will end you.”
“As much as enjoy this little spat,” Joel interrupted, “I’d really like Jimmy to still be around for the holidays. Anyways, get a drink, I’ll tell you about my stupid neighbor.”
Grian did so, waving down the bartender, before returning back for Joel’s story.
“So I got up bright and early to shovel her driveway, and it was great, I figured that was it. But no. She scraped the ice off my car. She touched my bloody car!”
“Oh shit, that’s serious.” Jimmy gasped. “Are you gonna talk to her about touching your car?”
“No, because she was so careful about it. She did it the exact way I do it. How can I complain when she did it right?”
“Exactly how you’re complaining now, Joel.” Grian deadpanned. “Just tell her that you don’t like it when people touch your car.”
“Well that would’ve been really smart if I had done that, but that was like two weeks ago. So instead I decided to make her a candle.”
“A candle? Really?”
“Well I have so much beeswax that I’m just trying to give away, expect candles for the holidays by the way, but I just thought I’d make her a candle. But I was slightly petty making it.” Joel said smugly
“How so?”
“I decorated it so it looks really nice, but I made the smell terrible. It’s one of those really sweet smelling candles”
“So you just gave her a pretty candle, that smells sweet?”
Joel paused, his smug expression fading. “B-But it’s too strong”
“Do you know if she thinks that?”
Joel hesitated for a second, before putting his head in his hands “I gave her a good gift!” He whined. “That’s why she gave me a scarf”
“She gave you a scarf?” Jimmy asked
“Fuck. Yeah, she gave me a scarf. I figured she was being petty and that there was something wrong with the scarf. Damn it. I think we’re friends now. Shit.”
Jimmy gave him a sympathetic pat on the back while Grian keeled over from laughing. “You’re so stupid.” He wiped a tear from his eye, “So what are you going to do now?”
“I think I have to concede. We’re just friends at this point, no competition. Damn, I’m going to have to invite her to my Christmas party now.”
“So we get to meet her?” Jimmy chimed in, excited.
Joel sighed. “Yes”
——
The text Joel sent out said the party started at seven, which meant Grian wasn’t going to get there until at least seven thirty. So when he made it there by seven forty-five he was pretty impressed.
Grian attempted to head straight for the snack table, but was yanked to the side by Joel.
“Sorry I’m late I was-”
“Don’t care, save it for Jimmy.” Joel interrupted. Rudely. “My neighbor’s here, and I need you to get the scoop.”
“The scoop?”
“Yeah, like if we really are having a rivalry. Like what are the vibes.”
“You’re ridiculous, I’m in. Where is she?” Joel shoved Grian in the direction of the drink table, where a tall woman was standing.
He walked up to the punch bowl, to get a glimpse at her, but it was…
“Pearl?”
“Grian?” She responded “what are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing! Joel’s one of my close friends.”
“Oh he’s my neighbor.”
Grian couldn’t contain his laughter. “Oh Pearl, this is the best news.”
“Why..?”
“Would you say your relationship with Joel is good?”
“Yes? I’d say we’re friends. He’s a little weird though.”
“You have no idea. Would you like to mess with Joel?”
Pearl’s look of confusion changed to a sneaky grin. “Would I ever.”
…
Grian walked back to Joel. “Dude! Why didn’t you warn me? She’s crazy!”
“..what?”
“Pearl, your neighbor, she’s insane. You didn’t bother to tell us she’s been trying to induct you into a cult?”
“She has?” Joel asked, growing even more confused.
“Yeah, she’s, like, super deep into one of those MLM schemes. I think it’s purpur or something. I dunno, but she’s setting up a whole table for it!” Grian pointed to where Pearl had gotten rid of a table full of decorations and was now replacing it with oils and purple salt blocks.
“She- uh- What!?” Joel exclaimed. “Since when?”
“When I was talking to her. She’s crazy, you gotta talk to her.” Grian said, shoving Joel in that direction
“Grian I don’t really know-” Grian gave Joel a hard push, catching Pearl’s attention
“Joel! This is a lovely party, that’s for letting me set up.”
“Uhhh, yeah.”
“In fact I’m just about finished. If you could gather everyone, that would be great!”
“About that-”
“This is such a big turn out for one of these events. Usually no one wants to hear the benefits of purpur. It’s really good for your soul, y’know?” Pearl paused, as if to give him space to respond, but kept talking before he could. “Of course you know, I put some in that scarf I gave you! Haven’t you felt relieved?”
The color drained slightly from Joel’s face. “Am I involved in purpur marketing?”
“Not officially, but you will be after tonight! It’ll be great to have you on board.”
“uhh Pearl? I, um, would prefer it if you didn’t present on purpur tonight.” Joel awkwardly admitted. “I’m also not interested in being a part of that. I’m so sorry if it seemed that way, I thought we were being competitively nice and-“
Joel was cut off by Grian leaning on his shoulder. “So it seems you’ve gotten to know my cousin Pearl.”
“What?”
“Apparently your neighbor is my cousin. And she’s not trying to induct you to an MLM scheme. I was just messing with you”
“Oh you brat.” Joel smacked Grian’s arm. “So you’re normal?”
Pearl shrugged “Normal is relative, but sure.”
“Oh thank god. I have really enjoyed being neighbors with you.”
“Me as well, you are very nice.”
“Thank you, and Merry Christmas”
“What a successful holiday!” Grian chimed in
Joel tousled Grian’s hair. “No, you’re still the worst. No candle for you.”
“Wait, Joel, I take it all back!”
“Nope. Go beg to Jimmy or something.”
“Ugh, you suck.”
“Love you too!”