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It stings.
For years, I’ve been drowning in agony, confined in an endless nightmare. The thoughts intrude constantly, howling, clawing at my soul, shredding me unrecognisable before dissipating to a deafening silence. The same merciless cycle of events, over and over.
She was my everything.
Her words alone always prevailed in settling the brewing storm that clouded me. The chaos that loomed in my head, replaced by peace.
And now shes gone. My reason for living is gone.
I’ve been dismissed my whole time here on this planet. Cold glares from the scientists, looking at me like a monster. But despite it all, she saw something in me. She took me in, gave me a home.
Gave me a family.
The Robotniks were my family; they didn’t just teach me about the world, but also showed me what it meant to be human. With them I felt like I belonged.
But now… that haven is gone. And I’m left with nothing.
The torment is unrelenting. I’m a prisoner of my own fortress. My thoughts scream at me a grim reminder— that I couldn’t save her. A reminder that I failed the person closest to my heart. I’m truly weak. Pathetic. Some ‘ultimate life form’.
I was crafted into their weapon, but even for them I was deemed too dangerous. I hold the power to crush anything that dare stand in my path, but what good is that power when I can’t use it to bring her back?
At the end of it all— I’m utterly useless. What's the point in being without her ? Why am I still alive?
Why wasn’t it me instead?
She was so pure, she had her whole life ahead of her. Me? I’m nothing. A mistake. All I am, is a shadow cast in the wake of destruction. What the hell am I here for? To cause more pain? More ruin?
All I’ve ever been is a 'project', a hollow vessel built for violence. Not like her at all. I was never worthy of her love, never worthy of her kindness. I couldn’t even protect her.
She deserved to live. I… don’t.
For hours we would lay and gaze up at the stars together. She would talk to me about her hopes and ambitions; about the things she wished she could do and what she wanted to be when she grew up. She wanted to become a scientist like her grandfather— not a ‘boring’ one as she used to laugh, but to perform medical research. She wanted to help people, so much so that she was willing to dedicate the rest of her life to doing it. She knew what it felt like to live with pain and would tell me how she wanted to make sure others knew comfort.
Because thats the type of person Maria was. Determined and passionate. Considerate and loving.
She deserved to be here, to see the world she wanted to venture. She would never ever harm anyone. Yet they tore her life away in the blink of an eye. As if she was expendable. They destroyed everything she was.
She died instantly. The impact of the blast— too much for her fragile body to handle. I’m tormented, over and over, with how fast it all happened. It replays endlessly, etched into the every fibre of my brain. I still hear the echo of our hurried footsteps, the soft rhythm of your breaths as I held your hand tightly in mine. The look of courage in your beautiful blue eyes— masking your fear. Maria, you were always stronger than they could ever fathom me to be. You will forever be the strongest person in this universe. Even in your most terrified state, you still had time to reassure me. Your offer of safety outshone the despair around us. Our world was falling apart, and yet you washed away my anxieties.
You were so sweet— always putting others before yourself no matter the situation.
Then— my hand slipped from your grip…
And I lost you forever.
The explosion blinded my vision a searing white. In that moment, it burned away every color in my life— you— along with it.
My next waking moments were to a cruel, heartless world. Devoid of all colour, devoid of all meaning.
As I cradled her lifeless body in my arms, her body was so broken, so burnt— if she wasn’t my Maria, I wouldn’t have recognised her. Her face once so expressive, so telling —devastated. Her eyes—once so blue, so alive— dark. The flame of warmth she brought to my world was extinguished, leaving a frozen veil to close in around me.
I remember not her blood that seeped onto my hands, but the sinister emptiness that followed which truly consumed me. To this day; all I can feel is the weight of my helplessness, the horror of flinching, of accidentally letting go, then reopening my eyes to meet her spirit slipping away.
She undeserving of any of it.
There’s only one thing left for me. I will dedicate the rest of my life to making them pay— for shattering her bright future.
I should’ve been the one to go, not her. I am the reason they attacked us in the first place, and yet, here I am, still breathing— a strain on my family.
They pulled the trigger. Her blood is on their hands. I’ll never. Forgive them for that. Not as long as I exist.
Yet why are mine stained crimson? I stood there paralysed, helpless. I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t— couldn’t— shield her in time. I was too weak. I couldn’t save her. I failed her. After everything she gave me, I failed her.
And now, her blood is just as much on my hands as theirs. I'll never forgive myself that. Not as long as I breathe.
If I could turn back time, I swear I’d do it thousands of times if it meant you’d be safe. For you, I’d relive the nightmare over and over, just to find some way-- any way where it wasn’t you. I’d choose in an instant. Every time.
But time doesn’t care. It doesn’t bend, doesn’t stop. Every tick of the clock is another piece of her slipping away, until all that's left is a memory I can barely comprehend. The seconds mock my cries to rewind time, to pull her back from the void that swallowed her, and the world keeps spinning, indifferent to who gets left behind. I’m drowning in a sea of ideal possibilities, but this isn’t reality, and no matter how much I reach towards the stars, I’ll never be able to grasp her again. How selfish, to still be here, breathing, when she’s not.
It should have been me.
I’d like to believe we couldn’t be any more distant than we are now.
I know this is a lie, only to temporarily subside my ache. I can never be fast enough, I can never catch up no matter how hard I try. It terrifies me—how time steals her from me, piece by piece.
I still remember the last time I heard her voice and how safe it made me feel. No matter how bad my head got then, she never allowed me to sink. She suppressed the suffocating corners of my mind. She kept me at peace. Now I’m drowning in the silence.
It stings because I can feel her slipping away.
The fun moments we shared are now just fleeting fragments, scattering like ash in the wind. My mind buries them deep, thieving what little I have left of her. I don’t know if it’s corruption of my grief or the unbearable weight of my failure to protect her that’s swallowing those precious pieces I swore to guard.
Now everything is hazy— flashes of a past life. The rare glimpses that come in my dreams—
but they always end the same way.
Maria; what if I forget you? What if I lose you all over again?
My own mind is betraying me, erasing you.
And I’m powerless to prevent it.
I used to be terrified of the day when I’d wake up and your face was blurry.
But I found this picture of us. You took it on your camera you received as a birthday gift. You are perfectly captured, an angel frozen in time;
Your sapphire eyes, holding the stillness of a tranquil river,
your glowing smile melting the rays of winter’s dawn,
your radiant, soft golden hair falling with the grace of summer’s breeze.
I trace the corners, and feel your presence briefly for a split second. But its not the same. Its just not you.
I want more than anything to hear your voice again. To hear you ramble for hours about your admiration for the stars and constellations, and the trivia from your favourite movies. I miss the random conversations we used to have about the silliest things, when boredom would settle in and you’d fill the silence.
I yearn to hear you say my name again, but you’re gone. Forever.
If it meant that it was me instead of you, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I know it would hurt you if I wasn’t by your side, but you would get to live the life you deserved. That alone is worth more than anything I could ever give you.
And you were always so strong— you could overcome anything. I’m not like you whatsoever. I cant even overcome these demons I fight every day.
I failed you.
I’d undo everything and anything to have you back. If it cost me my life, my soul, anyone— I wouldn’t hesitate. You’re worth all the pain, every bit of what I am.
In every life, I would choose you. Always.
The irony of it all— and here I am—still standing, still alive. For what? This power, its only a curse. I never asked for it. The ‘ultimate lifeform’ is a pathetic waste. I can tear anything in my path, but its useless… because I cant use it to bring you back.
My sweet Maria, I’d do anything to bring you back.
Ever since that day my world was dark. And so it will continue to be without her.