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The Lupin-Black residence 8 hours before Christmas

Sirius wakes up hearing words, "–rius, Sirius, come on, Sirius, wake up." He grumbles when the words start to register, but not enough to open his eyes.

"Sirius, I'm not kidding. Get the fuck up." The voice insists. 

"Hrrrgh, what?" He says, opening one eye and immediately closing it again. The room is far too bright for what feels like five in the fucking morning.

"The alarm didn't go off, Sirius. We have to go." Remus insists above him, and Sirius gets one second to process this statement before his duvet is quickly pulled away from his body, and he is hit with freezing-cold air

"What? Alarm?" Sirius asks, sitting up with a whine. He is rubbing his arms to regain some of the warmth he just ripped away from him.

"It's Christmas Sirius? Ring any bells? As in dinner to get to and flight to catch?" Remus' voice has taken on that tone when he's at wit's end and should absolutely not be messed with. Normally, that tone is enough to get Sirius moving, but the words themselves already make Sirius jump up.

"Fuck that's today?"

"Yes," Remus says with an exasperated sigh.

"What time is it?" Sirius stumbles into the bathroom, his face scrunching up against the bright light. The shower is turned on before Remus answers.

"9:15"

"WHAT?" Sirius yells, sticking his head out of the bathroom.

"Yes, so get a hurry on", Remus yells back.

Sirius does, shedding his clothes even quicker than his current record. And his current record is fast, especially before bed– if you know what he means. He is showering before the water has reached his desired temperature, and his usual routine is getting replaced with the need to hurry. He doesn't even look as he grabs his shampoo and starts lathering it on. His conditioner is applied only seconds after he's rinsed. Sirius is already mourning having to air dry his hair as he spreads soap all over his body.

Not even a minute later, Sirius is out and getting carpet burns from how fast he is drying himself. Remus has left pants on the toilet and quickly sends a prayer to his overly attentive husband. He finds the rest of his clothes on their already-made bed. Sometimes Sirius wonders if Remus works with a different time than the rest of the world and if his minutes are seventy seconds or 

something. When Sirius exits their bedroom, dropping his towel in the hamper by the door, his husband is there with one fully packed carry-on and a to-go coffee cup.

Sirius tries to take the cup, but Remus doubles over in laughter before he even gets the opportunity. Sirius knows they both do not deal well with early mornings, but this is a bit extreme. Remus is holding on to his knees, his cane abandoned against the counter, and when he looks up, Sirius can see tears in his eyes.

"What?" Sirius questions, even going as far as looking behind him, but their apartment seems unchanged.

"No– it's just your hair" Remus wheezes out.

"My hair?" Sirius' voice is alarming as he runs back into the bathroom. He doesn't care about smudges when it comes to his hair, so he wipes the condense from the mirror without a second thought. What stares back at him is an absolute birdness of a mess that puts James' hair to shame. The parts he had managed to dry with the towel in the past five minutes are frizzy as if someone had used a comb in the wrong direction. The still wet parts look like straw, hanging stiff from his head. It seems like he spent 3 weeks in a swamp, and someone attacked him and his hair during that time.

Remus has moved to the bathroom with him and is leaning in the doorway, still giggling as Sirius stares with horror in the mirror. He tries to rake his fingers through his hair but retreats his tremoring hands when he feels his hair texture. Tears prick in his eyes, and Sirius stares at his husband, bewildered. Remus only starts laughing harder at what seems to be just Sirius' face.

"What? How did this happen? I didn't– I," Sirius stutters, frantically looking around the room. He stumbles around, even going as far as to look in the shower, and that's when he spots it. At the place where his usual–bought at the hairdresser–high-end shampoo and conditioner stands are now two bottles of drug store products. The loud packaging is screaming at Sirius with laughter as the horror washes over him.

Sirius grabs the bottles, maybe with a bit too much aggression because he stumbles and slips when his foot re-enters the shower, and he has to scramble awkwardly to hold onto the wall and stay upright. "What are these?"

Remus looks sheepish as Sirius whirls around, a small smile in the corner of his mouth. He knows not to let it show too much. Risking that (1) Sirius jumps his bones for being so beautiful or (2) Sirius rips his head off for daring to smile in these dire times. Both reactions to a full smile are too time-consuming at this moment.

"Shampoo?" Remus says with a lift of his shoulder.

"Shampoo?!?" Sirius yells, "This is poison."

"Now, now, don't be dramatic" Remus is smiling more now, lips practically twitching with amusement.

"Dramatic. Have you seen my hair?"

"Yeah, it looks fine", Remus says with a giggle.

"It does not." Sirius states, turning around once more to check the damage in the mirror, "and even if it did look fine, my hair should never be fine. It should be gorgeous, worth medals and awards, people fainting on the street beautiful, not fine."

"So you have a bad hair day," 

"That you caused."

"I didn't make you use my shampoo," Remus argues.

"But mine wasn't there," Sirius pointed aggressively to the shower and his non-existent shampoo bottle.

"Because you finished it two days ago, the bottles are in the trash." Remus points to make his point clear. Sirius follows his finger to their trashcan, and there are the two bottles he finished this week and forgot to replace. 

He looks at Remus sheepishly, "so I have a bad hair day," Sirius agrees.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Evans-Macdonald residence six hours before Christmas

"M, did you take the chicken out of the fridge?" Lily yells frantically, looking in their freezer, where she was sure she'd put an entire chicken in only thirty minutes before, "And do you know where the salt is?" She adds.

Lily swears things have been disappearing all day. When she and Mary suggested they host Christmas dinner this year six months ago, they had not considered just how much preparation a Christmas dinner entails. So, the last hour contained both of them running around. They've both been to and back from Tesco twice already. They both went to get potatoes separately, but they still got lost until Lily found them peeled in the fridge. 

Now, it's not until she notices the light in the oven that she crouches down to spot the chicken cooking.

"Did you put the chicken in the oven, M?" Lily yells after opening the oven and approving of the rich aroma wafting from the chicken.

"M?" Lily yells again. When she still hasn't received an answer, she reluctantly leaves the chicken and heads for the main room. Mary?"

Lily finds Mary in the middle of the room, and it takes Lily a minute to fully grasp what she's seeing because, at first glance, it looks like a regular old pile of Christmas decorations. But right there on the ground, covered in tassels, red, green and gold, ornaments draping and hanging from her like she's the Christmas tree herself, is her fianceé. 

Mary makes some gasping sounds between laughing and crying, and Lily almost feels bad for the giggles escaping her own mouth. It's a sound that can't be described as either, and Lily genuinely worries Mary is having a panic attack under all the decorations. She's reassured when Mary is fully uncovered. Although there are tears in Mary's eyes, there is also a bright smile that immediately gets captured by Lily's own when given the chance. 

"We are never doing this again," Mary mutters against her lips when she pulls back.

"Gods, no, let them figure it out next year," Lily answers with a laugh and then kisses her again, just because she can.

Mary captures her waist right after, and Lily is not at all surprised when she ends up in the pile of Christmas right next to Mary, kissing and giggling while they are being stabbed by garlands all around. Lily has the odd thought that it would make a lovely picture, but it gets shattered immediately by the sound of the smoke alarm blaring in their eardrums. 

Lily doesn't know how many minutes have passed, but enough for their magically seasoned and transported into the oven chicken to not be pretty and golden brown but dark and smoking. Fortunately for them, the window was already open, and when they removed the chicken from the oven and turned their extractor on, a lot of the smoke cleared up.

Unfortunately, the building's smoke alarm had not gotten the same memo, so when, not even a minute later, the main smoke alarm starts going off, she and Mary just heave a resigned sigh. They make their way outside, prepared for the scorn they are about to be met with for burning a fucking chicken.

And so it is The Grinch (actual name Henry Thomson, age 73) that makes his way over to them the moment they step outside.

"Can you believe this," The Grinch exclaims, throwing up his hands for dramatic flair.

She and Mary start apologising immediately, talking over each other, which counts towards their luck because it means The Grinch does not capture a word before continuing.

"They never should've let those youngsters in 16D rent here, in this neighbourhood?" The Grinch continuous on, even turning to sent a glare at said residents of 16D, a young couple with a newborn. Who, as far as Lily knows, have not done anything bad, ever. They go to work, and they come back. Their baby seldom cries. But somehow, they have been subjected to The Grinch's wrath ever since they moved in here 3 years ago. 

Lily would and does feel pity for them, but she is also not keen on being met with the full force of The Grinch, especially not on Christmas and when they have just burned a magical chicken. So Mary and Lily nod and smile when The Grinch goes on and on.

"They must have been cooking something illegal in there. That baby is too silent. It must be doped up, doped up like all the kids these days, you know. Back in the day, we let our babies cry and cry they did. You know my young boy? Yeah, he used to cry for days, day and night. He would wail and wail. It's what they do. But now they got all this medicine and shit, it's just unnatural."

"Oh, I'm sure it's not like that," Mary tries to be diplomatic, but it falls flat as The Grinch rambles on. Not even about their lovely neighbours, but how the world has gone to shit. He rambles on for so long that eventually, the alarm goes out, and the tenants are allowed to go back in.

The window stays permanently open after that.

 ⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

At an airport in Copenhagen 6 hours before Christmas

Remus and Sirius managed to make it to the airport somewhat on time, and by some Christmas miracle, they were through security and at their gate within thirty minutes. The problem is their flight just started boarding, and Sirius is nowhere to be found. 

His husband had left to go to the bathroom ten minutes ago, which would generally not be an issue, except the boarding line is slowly becoming smaller, and no black-haired man is to be seen anywhere. He tried to call multiple times until he realised the incessant buzzing he was hearing was coming from his own bag containing a certain someone's phone.

Remus sends another stressed look to the boarding line and sets off to find his husband and drag him here, preferably by his ear.

His search starts slow. Remus is very aware that he is in a very public space, looking very weird while on a wild goose hunt for his husband. So he tries to move casually, just looking around normally for his lost husband. He starts at the bathrooms, of course, looks around on his way there, and after a very awkward yell into said bathroom and silence as an answer, he moves on. He looks (and yells) into two other sets of bathrooms and walks back to their gate to find it almost abandoned and still no husband. It's not until he spots a child eating a packet of crisps that he gets an idea of where Sirius might be.

After investigating five different food stands and two vending machines, he finds the man at the third. And find him he does. Sirius is on his knees, face close to the little flap you usually use to grab your snack. Except Sirius doesn't just have his hand inside; his entire arm is in the vending machine. Remus can see it, pale and freckled and INSIDE a vending machine. 

He is about to murder his husband, so close to grabbing him, pulling him away from the vending machine and over his shoulder to still get to their plane in time. But right before he acts on these thoughts, he notices the grimace on his husband's face and the airport worker staring at him in displeasure.

That's when Remus realises that not only does Sirius have his entire arm up a vending machine, but Sirius' entire arm is stuck inside a vending machine.

"Moony!" Sirius yells when he spots Remus walking up to him and the vending machine.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus starts once he's within hearing range, "what have you been up to?" he jokes.

"Oh, you know, just getting a snack, hanging around," Sirius answers with a laugh and a look at the machine. 

"Stuck?" Remus questions as he crouches down, putting his cane against the wall. He looks to where Sirius has put his hand in, "Can you not–"

"I'm gonna stop you there, dear husband. No, I cannot twist, turn, flip, pull or do anything that would result in me getting my arm out. Yes, someone has helped me pull; yes, it hurt. No, it did not work. Yes, I am panicking." Sirius rambles out.

Remus shuffles closer to Sirius to the best of his abilities and puts his hand on the shoulder he can reach. "Okay, breathe first," Remus says, exaggerating his own inhale, "yes, in and out."

Sirius stutters on his exhale, and Remus rubs his back, "Yes, again, in and out." When Sirius' breathing finally slows to a normal, healthy rhythm, Remus shifts again, now looking at the airport employee who has watched this happen. "Now, what can we do to get you out?" The question is phrased to Sirius, but his look lets the worker know he means them.

The person stutters their answer, "I– I don't know, we have tried to pull, and we can't get him free, and I don't know."

"Okay, you also need to breathe. Nothing is wrong. Can you call a manager or something?" 

The employee nods stiffly and moves to grab their walky-talky. Remus has never understood the effect he sometimes has on people. He knows that he's tall, taller than average, but he is also thinner than most of his size and looks like a small gust can blow him over. And somehow, his one question and stare has resulted in this poor person becoming a stuttering mess, and the only person Remus wants to make a stuttering mess is currently being a mess inside a vending machine.

He looks over to Sirius for help, but the man is just staring at him, gaze wide open, with a slight smile visual, as if this is a regular occurrence.

Ten minutes and a conversation about how 'Home Alone' is the best Christmas movie and 'Love, Actually' does not compare between him and Sirius and the employee, whose name they've learned is Finn. Later, a woman shows up. She opens the vending machine with one key and uses another to open a separate part inside the machine. Afterwards, they slowly but surely wiggle Sirius out of this predicament and leave with thank yous and merry Christmases. 

Their flight has left when they make it back. In his hurried state and while crouching, Remus has used his leg a fair bit more than it usually can handle, and he regrets it now. Fortunately, their abandoned bags are still there, which Remus had admittedly forgotten about in his haste. But they're still there, and, after a quick inspection, nothing seems to be stolen, and they're what appears to be the fifteenth panic of that day has been absolved. 

Another bout of luck comes when they find out that there's another flight flying from Copenhagen to London that is leaving in two hours. And they have two new tickets with a small rebooking fee that Remus reluctantly pays after a single look in Sirius' bright blue eyes. 

Since they've already checked in, courtesy of the lady at the desk, and have no bags to check in or rebook, all that's left for them is a lot of waiting. 

After about thirty minutes of mindlessly scrolling on their respective phones and a lot of loud sighs from Sirius, one thing leads to another, and suddenly, they are in a broom closet marked 'employees only'. Sirius is against the wall, his legs wrapped around Remus' middle, and Remus' cane is on the ground. One hand is on the wall, the other tangled in Sirius' hair as his husband moans in his mouth, and Remus does his best to muffle the sounds.

It is safe to say that when they exit, they only have to wait a little over 15 minutes until boarding starts again.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Meadowes-Mckinnon residence four hours before Christmas

"Hey, Dorcas," Marlene greets as she walks into their kitchen, solely wearing a pair of boxer shorts and a towel on her shoulder. She opens the fridge to grab a single apple before looking back to their couch, "when did you want to leave again?"

Marlene usually doesn't mess with things such as time planning, mainly because every time she does, she somehow does worse than when she hasn't planned at all. Dorcas, on the other hand, likes to plan ahead, prepare their lunches and, put them on the counter, and make a list of essentials. She also likes to be very pointed and not tell Marlene about any of this because, in her words, 'your presence ruins plans'. 

So Marlene did not question it when she woke in an empty bed this morning or the rummaging she could hear in the kitchen. She just slowly opened her eyes, grabbed her phone, played a game for what was probably more than an hour, and went to have a shower. And now she's here having a very nutritious breakfast. 

Dorcas hasn't answered her yet, and with one look at their couch, Marlene spots her heavily invested in her phone.

"Who's the lucky lad that's gotten all your attention this morning," Marlene teases, dropping herself on the couch next to her girlfriend and dramatically letting her head fall on Dorcas' shoulder. From this angle, she can see what's on Dorcas' phone, which is not a chain of texts to a secret boyfriend but a five-hour Spotify playlist, which her girlfriend is glaring at.

Dorcas stays silent as Marlene plucks her phone out of her hand and sighs when she spots which song Marlene adds to the playlist.

"It's a good song," Marlene argues, giving Dorcas her phone back.

"Whatever you say," Dorcas mumbles into her hair. "And we will leave in– FUCK, thirty minutes ago."

"What?" Marlene says, quickly lifting her head so it's not detached by Dorcas when she jumps up from the couch and immediately starts throwing things in her purse.

"We have to go," Dorcas says frantically, looking around the room. She looks back, "For god's sake, Marlene, put on a shirt. We're leaving."

They are on the roads within five minutes, which Marlene is honestly impressed by until they remember that the only thing they brought is Dorcas' haphazardly packed purse, which contains her phone, a wallet, a half-eaten protein bar that must have been in there for ages and the television remote. 

Fifteen minutes later, they are back on the road, now with a backseat covered in wrapped presents and a grocery bag full of clothes that Marlene has doubts about actually making two whole outfits.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Potter-Black residence four hours before Christmas 

Regulus has just finished a chapter of the–frankly, too cutesy for his liking–Christmas story he's been reading when he gets a whiff of something burned. It only takes his brain one second to wrap around the fact that the last he has seen of James was in the kitchen. The kitchen plus James plus the smell of burning is enough to send Regulus out of his seat and into the kitchen.

He is met with the aftermath of what can only be a tornado coming through his kitchen, a smoking oven, a smoking tray and a man holding the tray.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Regulus exclaims.

James' eyes widen as he notices Regulus and immediately turns to hide whatever is burned on that tray behind him.

"I wanted to make cookies," James offers with a crooked smile. 

Regulus can feel his lips twitching, and he is hoping James doesn't notice as he plants his hands on his hips and asks, "And how did that work out for you?" 

James looks sullenly back at the tray, which he has now put on top of the stove. Regulus steps up behind him, gazing at what are, indeed, just black circles neatly spread out on parchment paper.

"Why didn't you ask for help," He murmurs softly. He can sense that James is genuinely upset with his failure, and even though Regulus is mean in nature, he is not cruel. 

"I wanted to do it myself. Do you know how my mum always bakes?"

"Yes," Regulus very pointedly does not point out that she has even baked for them today and that James is planning to pick up the cake she has baked on the way to dinner.

"Well, I want to keep doing that, keep up the tradition in some way."

"But James, you can't bake."

"I know,"

"And you're already bringing your mum's cake."

"I know,"

"And I do know how to bake,"

"Yes, I know."

"And yet," Regulus points to their kitchen.

"I'll clean it up," James says with a nod, already smiling again.

"And?"

"And you will bake a new batch of cookies, and we will pretend I made them?"

"Exactly," Regulus confirms, turning his head to kiss James on the lips. James is smiling so wide that this task is rather difficult. But Regulus can't judge because he is smiling just as big.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

A car on the highway three hours before Christmas

Evan knew it was too good to be true. He knew that when they were in the car, packed and ready, fifteen minutes before their designated ‘if we are not out of the house right now, we are fucked’ time, something would go wrong. Call it intuition, call it learning from experience, or call it having Bartemius Crouch Jr. as a partner; something is destined to go wrong. 

But Evan is usually prepared. He does not have the best luck either, especially when Regulus has threatened to do things to them that are too anxiety-inducing to repeat if they aren’t on time.

So Evan and Barty packed and loaded their car yesterday, set five different alarms, checked the car for a spare tyre, and put new batteries in the car key. One thing you should know about Evan and Barty is that they fuck around a lot, but the one thing they don’t fuck around with is Regulus Black’s threats.

But it was too good to be true, so good that there was almost no traffic on the road, so good that their ETA was half an hour before dinner was supposed to start. So when Barty signalled to the side of the road to stop for a hitchhiker, Evan almost felt proud; they were so incredibly prepared that they had time to give the poor lad a ride. 

Fortunately for the man, they had to go in the same direction, and Barty did not hesitate to let him in. Evan didn’t mind; they had a free back seat and time to spare.

This feeling lasted ten minutes until three cop cars pulled up on the highway beside them, and the man in the back started mumbling to himself and sweating. The cop’s blue lights turned on.

That’s when he started having feelings of regret for not giving the man (criminal) a ride; they couldn’t have known he was on the run from the cops. No, he started regretting whatever made Evan be born and fell in love with a man named Barty. Because surely, he must have done so incredibly wrong that his life partner decided to speed up at the sight of blue lights instead of pulling over. He must have done something so awful that fate made him fall in love with a man who speeds up instead of pulling over when seeing blue lights. And he regrets whatever it is, whatever made him end up in this car on a high-speed car chase.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, if Evan is honest), Barty used to participate in street races back when he was seventeen and hadn’t met Regulus and Evan yet to somewhat pull him on the straight and narrow (make sure he didn’t get caught anymore). This fact leads Barty to actively evade the cops for thirty minutes and almost succeed.

The man in the back is still sweating, Barty is cackling, and Evan has texted Regulus fifteen times, telling him he has permission to kill Barty whenever he feels like it. Regulus stopped replying after the second text, but Evan is pretty sure he got the message anyway.

They do get caught. No amount of street racing expertise is enough to successfully evade the police, even though Barty’s efforts are honestly impressive. Evan would have told him that if he wasn’t so pissed off.

Somehow, they managed to get off with a warning, which should have surprised Evan but didn’t. See, Barty wasn’t only a street racer in his youth; he was a delinquent who got caught often, so often that Evan made the mistake of asking how his ass never ended up in juvie. That’s when Barty told him and Regulus who his dad exactly was.

You might wonder how they never figured it out, given that Barty and his dad have the exact same name. That’s because for the first six months of knowing Barty, Evan and Regulus thought his name was Marty, and Barty never felt the need to correct them.

Finding out that Barty’s father is the new prime minister of England made some puzzle pieces fall into place. It definitely made the poor cops’ eyes widen when he read the name on his driver’s license and listened to Barty fabricate a story about how he just wanted to help out a citizen (truth) and that this citizen had threatened him into speeding (lie). 

Barty and Evan received a warning from the cops but a compliment for picking up a hitchhiker, and they were back on the road like nothing had happened.

The entire spiel cost them ten minutes, and when subtracting the minutes they won with speeding (and running from the cops), their estimated arrival time is now thirty minutes earlier.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

Somewhere beside a field between the Mckinnon-Meadowes residence and the Evans-Mcdonalds residence 2 hours before Christmas

They've been making good time if Dorcas has to say so herself, such good time that she and Marlene have decided to stretch their legs and have their packed lunch on the side of the road. Dorcas had pulled off the highway a good ten minutes ago and found a mostly abandoned road with a bunch of fields on both sides. 

Dorcas reluctantly slides down beside Marlene against one of the poles surrounding the field. She takes a couple of breaths, feeling like this is the first time since they left the house that oxygen has actually made it to her lungs, and she immediately feels better because of it.

It's a bit ironic, isn't it? A Christmas trip gone wrong; it's like they are in some lousy Hallmark movie, and some Christmas miracle is going to make it all okay, and it will snow, of course. Except this time, the Christmas miracle is Dorcas and her heavy foot on the gas paddle, and the snow seems implausible when it's 10 degrees Celsius outside.

But that doesn't make it less Christmas because Dorcas will see her closest friends, some of whom she hasn't seen in months. And she's gonna eat so much food and have her girlfriend right next to her, just as she is now. Marlene is an unmovable force always found in Dorcas' proximity, and Dorcas has no idea what she would do without her. 

Dorcas takes another bite before she closes her eyes and rests her head on Marlene's shoulder. Marlene doesn't hesitate to kiss her head and whisper, "I love you".

It's become some kind of tradition between them. Dorcas will seek Marlene out and silently offer some sort of contact, and Marlene always, always reciprocates it in some way. 

When they'd just started dating, it used to be primarily compliments: you're pretty, I like your make-up, I like you . But eventually, these compliments turned into love, silent gestures and knowing looks.

Dorcas is aware that Marlene is not always the best with emotions or showcasing these. It took Marlene months to say the words 'I love you', not just to Dorcas, but to anyone. The first time Marlene told her mom, they both cried and did not speak for an entire week. That doesn't mean that Marlene doesn't love; on the contrary, Marlene loves as loudly as she talks, which is loud. She loves as she breathes, she loves their plants, and she loves her clothes, she loves her friends, she loves her family, and she loves Dorcas.

Dorcas is also a firm believer that Marlene probably loved her before Dorcas ever loved Marlene, but she never learned to say it. She had learned to joke about it, to hit lovingly, and to bombard people with her presence. 

Dorcas is proud to say that all the soft touches and the murmured words are mostly taught by her, through her, because of her. And although they are rare and out of character, they are there. Marlene knows what it means when Dorcas is silent but touching; when Dorcas is reaching out, she knows what that means. So she kisses Dorcas's cheek or head, holds her hand, waist, and head, and whispers words of love and admiration. Marlene is so good. So good that Dorcas melts when she does these things so casually, as she does now. So good that Dorcas has no trouble at all shooting down Marlene's insecurities of being a bad girlfriend. Marlene is even so good that she does not mind and even enjoys doing these things for Dorcas. She is that good. 

Dorcas lifts her head to mumble it back and give her girlfriend a good kiss, but she's interrupted by a nudge in her back. She initially ignores it, having better things to do, such as kissing her girlfriend. But the nudge comes again, with more force this time, and Dorcas just has the time to turn around and face the culprit when her sandwich is snatched right out of her hand. There's no time to warn Marlene before her lunch meets the same fate.

The criminal is a black-and-white cow chewing their sandwiches behind the fence, looking too innocent for the crimes she has just committed. Marlene seems to find her crimes hilarious and laughs so hard that her head and entire body are now on dirty, muddy ground. The cow appears to revel in this attention, and if Dorcas weren't pretty damn sure it was impossible, she would say the cow was laughing with her. 

And Dorcas, just because she loves her girlfriend very much and can't help but join in when she laughs and not at all because the situation is objectively hilarious, laughs with her. She laughs until there are tears in both of their eyes, a stitch in her stomach, and a girlfriend on her lap (Marlene had rolled while laughing); Dorcas' own head is in the slightly damp grass. It will probably ruin her hair as well as the outfit, but Dorcas could not give less of a fuck right now. 

They are still giggling when the cow has moved on, probably upset that there isn't any more food for her to snatch. They make it over to the car, only to notice that their vehicle is not in the place they had left it. It has rolled downwards and is now slowly moving to the steep decline that is coming. All laughs are immediately terminated as she and Marlene spring into action.

Her girlfriend, bless her soul, makes it to the car first but decides that she could stop it from rolling any further by pulling on the towbar. This, of course, does not have the desired effect and leads to another very comedic picture of her five-foot girlfriend hanging off of the back of their Volkswagen. 

Dorcas has a better plan. She runs past Marlene toward the door, spotting the handbrake through the open window and jumping for it without a second thought. Except she is not James Bond or any other spy or action movie figure. Dorcas is not athletic at all, and she just jumped through the open window of her rolling car. 

Against popular belief, it is, in fact, not that easy to just crawl in. Dorcas tries and save from face-planting into the middle console, she cannot. So she immediately went back to the original thoughtless idea of just pulling onto the handbrake and stopping the car like that, and somehow, she has managed to jump far enough into the car to reach the handbrake. She's just not in any position to push the button or lift it up.

Plan C is her blonde girlfriend hanging off the back of the car.

"Marlene?" Dorcas yells.

"Yes?" the girlfriend in question yells back.

"Come here," Bless her girlfriend because Marlene is there within seconds.

"Oh shit, Dorcas, what are you doing?"

"I was trying to pull the handbrake."

"Like that?"

"Hey, don't start. You tried pulling the car."

"I swear I slowed it down,"

"Sure, Marlene, just open the car door. No, no, not this one, the other side." Dorcas says that after Marlene tried to open the door, Dorcas was actively wedged inside off.

But she quickly spots Marlene on the other side of the car, except the door is closed. Dorcas can see Marlene pulling on the handle, but the car is not budging. They stare at each other wide-eyed for a moment before Dorcas realises that this is one of the buttons she can, in fact, reach and push. Marlene succeeds in stopping the car not long after. 

When the car is stopped, Dorcas can (with some help from Marlene) slowly shuffle herself out of the open window and plant her feet back on the ground. The look she and Marlene share is awkward and embarrassed, but the following laughing fit makes everything immediately okay.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Potter-Black residence 1,5 hours before Christmas

"Reg, are you coming? We should be leaving if we want to pick up the cake and still be on time." James yells from the hallway. He's not used to being the first one at the door or having to ask his boyfriend to come at all.

"Oh, I'm not coming", a voice yells back, and James moves out of their hallway to the main room to gape at Regulus at lightning speed.

"What do you mean you're not coming? We planned this dinner months ago, and everyone will be there." James asks incredulously; he knows that Regulus isn't the best in social settings and that sometimes he is simply not feeling it. James respects this, and in those times, he is incredibly proud of Regulus for being able to speak up about his needs and his wants. But Regulus had been so excited, hadn't he? They'd done all their Christmas shopping weeks ago, and Regulus hadn't mentioned anything two hours ago during the whole cookie-baking fiasco. 

James' panicked thoughts are cut off by Regulus' response, "Oh, I'm coming to dinner, of course I am. I am just not coming with you ."

And that's when it hits James, "The car thing?"

"The car thing," Regulus confirms with a hum.

"Oh, come on. You need to get over this irrational fear. I am not go—" James gets cut off by Regulus.

"It is not irrational. You drive like a maniac. Especially if you're excited and happy, and right now you're practically dripping in joy."

"But it's Christmas," James whines.

"I'm aware it's Christmas, which means there's about a thousand psychopaths like you on the road."

"If you'd just–"

"I do not need to get my license."

"You do if you don't let anyone drive you," James points out.

"That's where you are wrong, darling. I won't let you drive me." Regulus says with that vicious smile of his, and James is not even surprised when his legs take him to the chair, which Regulus is curled up, and his mouth kisses the corner of Regulus' mouth.

Regulus isn't surprised either by the way he hums, grabs James' cheek, and steers him to kiss Regulus on the mouth. 

"I'm taking the train," Regulus says when James pulls away, "I have my ticket already."

"You'll meet me there?" James asks to confirm.

"I will. Love you. Be safe." Regulus says as James moves away.

"I love you too," James says, looking back once he's reached the hallway once more. And Reg?"

"Yes?" Regulus says, looking up at him.

"Happy Christmas," James says with the widest smile his mouth can manage.

"Happy Christmas, James, now shoo. You don't want to keep your mum waiting."

This spurs him into action because James does not want to keep his mother waiting. She is, of course. She stands outside as he pulls up, and soon after, he is embraced by her warm, loving arms.

"How do you always know?" He mumbles in her hair.

"I always know when my baby is home, that's what mothers do." She whispers back, and he can hear the smile in her voice. He holds on for a while longer. His parents might not celebrate Christmas, but he's still happy to see them. God knows he doesn't see them nearly enough, so he soaks up her warmth and doesn't even blink as a tall presence wraps around them from the side. 

"Hi, dad,"

"Hi, son." 

And then it's a group hug right on their front steps. They don't feel the cold wind that nips at them or see the clouds forming above them. They love each other, that's all.

They do get inside eventually, mainly because one of his mum's thousand alarms is going off inside the house. So, a Christmas day search starts for where the sound could be coming from; the kitchen is checked thrice, the bedroom is checked four times, and even the scary basement is checked. It turns out his mum's phone is wedged between the couch cushion. James is the winner of their little treasure hunt, mainly because all the stairs had gotten him tired enough that he needed to take a break on the couch. On which he quickly discovered that the sound and vibrations were more prominent here than anywhere else. When he lifts the phone in vindication and yells over his parents for a complimentary celebratory dance for his victory, he spots the meaning of the alarm.

'Check James' location' was written on his mum's phone with the alarm sound under it. His mum doesn't even look embarrassed as she snatches the phone right out of James' hand, turns off the alarm and throws it back on the phone-eating couch.

He and his dad giggle at her back when she moves towards the kitchen.

"Mothers always know?" James yells at her and his mum in all her sixty-year-old grace. His mum lifts both of her hands and flips him off. 

The whole altercation is forgotten when his mum re-enters the living room with the most divine-smelling cake ever. She outdoes herself every single year. James silently mourns the loss of baking talent in his genes. This sadness is terminated when his mum comes closer and slowly moves her hand behind her back to reveal another cake.

"Oh, mum, you shouldn't have."

"I know." She answers with a smile, "Yet I did."

"You're the best, mum."

"I know," she repeats, her smile growing.

The stay doesn't last much longer than that. James is very aware of the time expectations he has to meet. And if he is late, he will not only have to account for one pair of bright eyes on him but two. And the fury in the green pair is much harder to kiss away than the grey ones are. 

His dad puts one of the cakes in the backseat, and James puts the one he's holding on top of the car to give his parents one last long-lasting hug before setting off.

He just hopes he hasn't forgotten anything.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

At the airport 1 hour before Christmas

Remus feels like he can finally breathe normally as they stand and wait for an airport cab. Is it money they would usually spend? No. But it's Christmas, and if they take a cab, they might still make it on time. Remus had already dealt with his losses three obstacles ago; this isn't even a hurdle anymore.

They didn't have any checked bags either, so truly, from the moment they got onto the plane till now, it has been smooth sailing, and Remus is almost convinced nothing will get them now. He believes it when he steps in the back of the cab, Sirius getting in the front–he tends to get motion sick in the back– and settling in. It lasts at least a few seconds after they get into the car, and Sirius gives the cab driver the address. But then the cab driver, a girl with crooked bangs wearing at least five shades of red and green, gives him a weird but knowing look. Remus meets her eye with a confused look from himself.

"Remus?" the girl says, almost entirely turning around, at which Sirius makes a distressing noise. She looks forward towards the road again. But Remus can feel her eyes on him in the rearview mirror.

"How do you know that?" Remus asks. He has never been recognised before without him knowing them as well; to say he is perplexed when he has no memory of the girl is an understatement.

"Oh my god, it is you! I'd recognise that accent anywhere," This last part is pointed at Sirius.

Remus doesn't recognise her accent, which is distinct in its own way, more flat than he's used to, even after living in Denmark for almost four years. 

"Remus?" Looking at him through her mirror again, she asks, "Do you not recognise me?" 

"Uhh no, sorry." His voice comes out stilted. Remus is wrecking his brain trying to remember this girl, and he only comes up with blanks. 

"Classic Remus, such a heartthrob, doesn't even recognise his ex-girlfriend." 

Remus has no time to process this statement before Sirius whirls around and is throwing accusations around.

"Girlfriend? You have an ex-girlfriend I don't know? Remus? Remus?" He repeats that last part when Remus doesn't react fast enough.

Remus' hands raise in surrender immediately, "No, I swear, lady, I am sorry, but I don't recognise you, and I am sure we have never dated. Sirius, I swear I don't know who she is, and she is definitely not my ex."

"How many Remuses with a distinct accent do you know, Remus? Hmm?" Sirius snaps back immediately.

"Oh boys, don't fight. Remus probably just needs his memory refreshed, don't you, darling?" Sirius doesn't look happy at the nickname but stays silent, crossing his arms, willing to hear her out.

Remus can recognise a jealous Sirius anywhere. A Sirius around one of Remus' exes is an entirely different brand of jealousy. Normally, Remus would find it amusing, albeit completely unnecessary, having been married for over five years. But this time, the jealousy is so misplaced that Remus doesn't even know how to react. He doesn't need to. The girl–whose name they still don't know– starts talking again.

"Remember when we were on a camping site? I don't remember where, to be honest. Think near the south; it doesn't matter. It must have been twenty years ago, no eighteen, I think. I was seven, you were eight, and our parents had camping lots next to each other."

Sirius had already uncrossed his arms when he heard 'twenty years ago'. Now, he is just giggling. Remus is getting memories from a wet playground and a peculiar and loud girl on said playground bouncing around in his brain.

"It was so sweet. We had been playing every single day. My brother had abandoned me once again, but there was my knight in shining armour asking me to play every morning. Accept that one morning. I didn't even hear it at first. I just assumed he was asking the same thing, but no, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, of course; who could say no to such a handsome face? " She winked at Remus after that last part.

"We had to leave soon after, and of course, we didn't even think about exchanging phone numbers back then. But I will always remember my first boyfriend, although it seems I didn't have that same impact on my dear Remus."

It takes Remus a minute to wrap his head around the mountain of information he has just been thrown, but the memories flood him and leave him drowning, "Oh my god, you are so right. I can't believe I forgot all of that, Erin, is it?"

"Yes!" She exclaims, "I know I hadn't made it all up." she finishes like it was an actual possibility.

"Anyway," She moves on immediately, "we have been neglecting you, haven't we? What's your name, beautiful?"

"Oh, uhh, it's Sirius." Sirius stumbles out, preening under the sole attention he is getting. Remus shakes his head at his silly husband.

"Oh, a star name, very pretty, just like you." She says with a wink at Sirius this time, and Remus does not like this at all. Sirius does, from the way his cheeks flush lightly.

"Thank you," he says with a bright smile. You're quite pretty yourself as well."

"Well, thank you, good sir," she says, dipping her head in thanks.

And then they are off, chatting about things Remus doesn't understand quickly enough to chip in before they have moved on. He does notice the names they call each other, though, and he hears every single one: beautiful, baby, dear, even love was thrown in there every once in a while. Remus' arms cross on their own volition, but his frown is put there on purpose, not that the two of time notice or notice him at all.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

In a car somewhere further on the highway 1 hour before Christmas

"You what?" Evan yells at his boyfriend.

"I said I thought I recognised the man, you know, the hitchhiker?" Barty answers.

"Yes, I understood you the first time."

"Then why did you say what?"

"Because why in the overloving fuck would you let a man, who you recognised from the news as a motherfucking criminal, into our car."

"I wasn't completely sure; I just thought we were doing a good Christmas deed or something."

"When?"

"When what?" His incredibly stupid boyfriend questions.

"When did you recognise him?" Evan is trying to control his breathing just in a tiny effort to not let his head explode.

"I don't know when we got closer, I think?"

"Before he was in the car?"

"Yes?"

Evan sees red, "Get out!" he yells, "Get the fuck out,"

"What?" Barty questions, confused, but Evan is already pulling over.

"Get out of this fucking car right fucking now, or I'll kick you out."

"Okay, relax, I'm getting out, don't worry," Barty says as he opens the door and steps out onto the emergency lane, "Let's just–" 

Evan doesn't hear the end of that sentence. The second Barty is out of the car, he pulls off and away from the emergency lane. He leans over to pull the door closed and speeds onto the highway, getting as far away from his idiot of a boyfriend as he can.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

In another car on the highway 45 minutes before Christmas

“Is that? Oh my god, Dorcas, that’s Barty.” Marlene yells and points to the man sitting on the highway railing.

“What the fuck are you, oh my, that is Barty” Dorcas exclaims beside her.

“Pull over,” Marlene says, still looking out the window. As they come closer it’s even more clear that it’s Barty, casually chilling on the highway railing like it’s the most normal activity in the world.

‘What? Marlene, we’re going seventy-five in the right line. I can’t just–”

“But,”

“Fine,” Dorcas agrees, and Marlene has no time to prepare before her girlfriend gives an aggressive yank on the steering wheel and leads them three lanes over before slamming on the break. Miraculously, they make it to the emergency lane without causing any accidents. One car honked, but that’s it. Another miracle is that Dorcas somehow managed to stop exactly next to the place where Barty, for lack of better wording, is chilling.

Marlene is out of the car and before him so quickly that Barty blinks up at her startled, to anyone who knows Barty, startling him is a hard feat and Marlene just did it accidentally.

“Are you insane?”

“Is that an actual question?” Barty answers with a grin, his cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth on the verge of falling out; Barty could not care less about it.

“Yes, no, ugh–” Marlene starts actually pushing her hands in her hair. Why did they stop for Barty, of all people, “Why are you here on the side of the road?”

“Evan kicked me out”, He answers, taking another slow drag of his cigarette.

“On the side of the road?” Dorcas asks as she comes to stand beside Marlene, having put on their hazard lights and putting a yellow reflecting jacket over Marlene’s shoulders. 

“Yeah, he’ll probably show up in the next twenty minutes, maybe more. He seemed really angry this time.”

“This time?” Marlene and Dorcas exclaim together. Marlene continues, “You mean to say this is a regular thing?”

“Oh yeah, I thought you knew I was a bitch?” Barty asks, and he genuinely looks somewhat confused by their questioning.

“Do you know how dangerous this is? I honestly can’t believe he would do that.”

“Yeah, well, Evan is a bitch too,” Barty says, and he looks happy saying it as if it’s his favourite trait and some kind of inside joke.

Dorcas sighs deeply before talking again, “You wanna catch a ride with us or wait here for your insane partner?” she states.

“Oh, I’ll come with you,” he says, stubbing his cigarette out on the railing and jumping over, “I want to have Evan panic for a bit.” He ends with a maniacal laugh.

“Get in,” Marlene says, “But you’re sitting in the back.”

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

At a petrol station 45 minutes before Christmas

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck this car, and fuck you Barty and fuck me and–” Evan takes a deep breath before slamming his hands down on the steering wheel again and again and again. “Fuck!” he screams as his last slam makes the horn go off.

The stupid car won’t start anymore. Why? Because there is no car key, why is there no key? It’s in his bag. Why doesn’t he have his bag? Because Barty has it, why is Barty not here? Because Barty is an asshole who willingly let a criminal in their car for funsies so Evan dramatically threw him out.

And Evan was planning on getting him back, just after Evan took a piss and got some candy. He would’ve pulled over and picked him up, and they would have made it on time. But now his car won’t start, his phone is in the same bag containing the car keys, and his boyfriend is stuck on the side of the highway. This actually is the least of Evan’s concerns right now. His biggest concern is getting out of here and to a place where he knows people.

This place is, unfortunately, the place where Mary and Lily’s Christmas dinner is. He has no idea what has led him to a point where he is not only invited but also somewhat friends with Mary and Lily. But that is where they are. And since Evan wanted to be prepared and for everything to go right (and keep his balls). He has memorised their address.

The obvious next choice is hitchhiking, so Evan sucks up his pride and fills his backpack with the presents he had packed and sets off. Most people shoot him down, and his hope has sunk after the 10th person tells him that either (1) their car is full, (2) they’re not going the same way, or (3) his favourite, just plain no. 

The minutes keep on passing, and Evan starts thinking that he might never leave this gas station as he starts running out of cars. Then he spots the smallest, tiniest car in the world and the least threatening person leaning against it. He sighs, arguing that if he didn’t try, he wouldn't know, so he walks towards them. 

When he comes closer, he sees that the car is not as empty as he initially assumed but almost filled to the brim with people. The person looks up as Evan comes to stand beside them, “Hi, sorry, I know this is weird, but my car won’t start, and I have a Christmas dinner to get to. Is there any way you could give me a ride?” He rambles the question.

The person looks up to them a bit weirdly, stares at their car and then shrugs, “Sure, get on in,” they say before opening the car door. 

“Clemens, budge up, we have a straggler,” They say as they get in the passenger seat themselves, “Okay, so, straggler, the two losers in the back are Elisabeth and Clemens, and driving is Leo guys. This is…”

“Evan”, Evan offers up, as he gets into the back next to a guy he assumes was the one called Clemens.

“Hello, Evan”, the entire car says in chorus.

“You won’t mind if we smoke, right?” Leo, the driver, asks him with a German-ish-sounding accent

“No, sure, go ahead,” Evan says with a shrug, but after one single sniff, he realises they did not mean smoke as in cigarettes. They meant smoke, as in smoke.

Ten minutes later, Evan is sure he can feel his kidneys producing pee, his eyes are watering, and the third blunt is lit and passed around. Not a single window is open; not a single pupil is a regular size. All the songs that are played are the worst German rap songs he’s ever heard. The person who let him in in the first place hasn’t stopped chatting about Fortnite and some new update Evan could not care less about. 

Evan has no idea where they are going, whether he even gave them the address in the first place or if he is low-key (high-key) being kidnapped. Every breath he takes gets him farther and farther from his seat in the back of this car and more towards pink and purple clouds. They feel so soft and tickle him as he passes through. 

Evan thinks he is maybe the one who started laughing, but it might as well been any of the other cargoers. The point is they start laughing, and they start laughing har,d and they can’t stop laughing.

They laugh and laugh and laugh.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

Half a mile before that same petrol station 30 minutes before Christmas

“Uhm, guys,” Dorcas says, her gaze locked on the meters behind her steering wheel.

“Hmmm”, Marlene answers, and Dorcas can feel Marlene’s eyes on the side of her face.

“I think we might have just run out of gas,” Dorcas says hesitantly as the car gives a splutter. They’re already on the most left lane, and Dorcas wastes no time getting them on the emergency lane (again!), where the car splutters twice more until rolling to a stop. She looks to the right sheepishly, giving Marlene a small smile.

“I thought it was full?” Marlene asks, leaning over the middle console and staring at the meters Dorcas had been staring at moments before, “See, full”, Marlene says, pointing to one of them.

“Marlene, that’s the temperature meter,” 

“Oh”

“Oh”, Dorcas repeats. A silence falls after, broken by a quiet laughing starting up from the back seat. Dorcas and Marlene both slowly turn their heads to face the culprit.

“Something funny?” Marlene asks.

“It is hilarious, actually, it is so fucking typical, and I’m here for it. We are trying to get to Christmas dinner, and everything goes fucking wrong. You can’t admit this is not a bit funny.” Barty says between giggles and bouts of laughter.

“Now, think about how Regulus will react when we are late,” Dorcas says very pointedly. What is funny is the way Barty’s face falls. 

“Fuck fuck fuck, okay, let’s go, let’s fucking go.” Barty urges.

“Yeah, that’s going to be a bit difficult with no gas.” Marlene points out and the three of them collectively groan at the reminder.

“Wait, guys look,” Bart exclaims, pointing past them and towards a sign just a couple of yards ahead.

“Oh my god,” Marlene screams and gazes in wonder at the petrol station ahead sign just in front of them. “We’re saved.”

The next twenty minutes is an awkward affair of three people pushing a very, very old Volkswagen to the petrol station ahead. It doesn’t hit Dorcas until they are almost there and sent some very weird looks that they could have bought a jerry can and walked to and from the car instead of pushing it. But now they are already pushing the car into one of the lines, and it would be even more awkward to stop now. And if she has learned anything from being openly trans and in a lesbian relationship, it is to not care about what people think.

So, Marlene and Barty left to go into the shop. Marlene had chosen to tell Dorcas one minute earlier that Mary had asked her to bring the ice. That is what Marlene is buying now. Dorcas could not care less about why Barty felt the need to go with her. She enjoys the piece of quiet as she opens her tank.

Or at least she tries to, but the fuel cap seems to be glued shut. She pulls and twists and turns her body in frankly unnatural ways to try to open it. And she curses Marlene because she knows that she was the one to close it and she closed it like it contained some kind of bomb that should never be let out. It leads to Dorcas having to put one of her feet against the top of the tyre and use her entire body weight to twist it off.

She fills the tank up, checking four times if she isn't accidentally holding the diesel because, with the way their day is going, she would not be surprised. But it is, in fact, regular petrol that she is tanking. When she is finally done, Marlene has returned with four bags of different kinds of ice, but honestl,y Dorcas is too tired to say anything.

Barty returns not long after with a small bag filled with something that wrinkles. He was very secretive about the contents until Dorcas threatened to lock him up with Regulus in a room for twenty-four hours if he was bringing something illegal into their car. Barty reluctantly showed them that the bag was filled with increasingly ridiculous keychains, which Bart admitted to being their Christmas gift.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Evans-Macdonald residence half an hour before Christmas

“M, could you zip me up?” Mary hears Lily yell from their bathroom

“Yeah, just putting on my shoes, give me a second,” She yells back from the living room, slipping into her right shoe and hopping to put it on and help her girlfriend. Except her hops have caused her to be closer to the Christmas tree than she initially had calculated, and the tule on her new dress catches on the tree. And in a series of unfortunate events, Mary is attacked by Christmas decorations again. 

She stumbles from the force against her and watches in slow motion as the tree topples, wobbles and eventually starts moving towards her until it completely falls. She tries to catch it, as is the reflex when something big comes falling towards you, but obviously fails and is buried under the tree.

“Uhm Lily,” Mary starts after the crash has stopped making various not at all good sounding sounds, “little problem,”

“Oh no, what now,” Comes Lily's voice.

“Help me” is the only thing Mary offers. 

Mary can’t see Lily enter, but she can hear her footsteps, a gasp, a couple of giggles, and then slowly, she is freed from her Christmas trap. Lily’s face forms before her, and her wide smile is laughing, but her eyes are full of concern.

“What are the chances, right?” Mary says with a laugh as she takes the hand Lily is offering and lets herself be pulled up. She takes in the state of the newly righted Christmas tree and despite all the sounds it had made, it looks mostly fine. It’s not until she does her third scan that she notices the tree topper is missing, and with one look at the ground, Mary can guess what the particular thing that made all the sound was. 

The following half-hour contains another round of vacuuming since a fallen Christmas tree, even though still mostly unbroken, does leave a mess; a dress that is finally zipped up, poor Lily had been walking around holding it up by her armpits alone; a sloppily made tree topper that is basically just one of those stars you can fold but in very large format (they taped together 10 pages of paper). So now they have a new homemade tree-topper, their outfits are finished and secure, and their house is finally guest-ready.

The girls don’t even jump when several alarms go off in the kitchen. They just exchange a very tired look and set off towards the sound, praying they are just the alarms they put themselves and not any others.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

In front of the Evans-Macdonald residence 15 minutes before Christmas

Regulus arrived about five minutes ago; he just hasn’t gone in yet. Regulus wouldn’t say they are not his friends because they are. He and Lily have spent countless times studying together in high school, and he is sure he has had a private conversation with Mary before. But that does not mean he is comfortable being alone with them on Christmas without anyone else. So he’s hiding. More specifically, he is hiding in a bush. 

Regulus didn’t start hiding immediately. No, for about one minute, he was actually trying to convince himself to just go in. And then he heard a crash, and then he heard an alarm and then another alarm. And when he very inconspicuously looked into their window, he saw two bodies running around the apartment. He decided that he would do the civil thing and not disturb them when they are obviously busy (he ignores the voice that tells him he could help). 

But Regulus also didn’t want them to find him weird for just standing in front of their building. On top of that, standing directly in front of their apartment window. Who gets a flat on the ground floor anyway? So he has hidden in the bushes. 

About five minutes later, he spots a garden gnome just a little further in the grass from where he is sitting (hiding). It is wearing a Christmas hat, that is so dirty it took Regulus a minute to actually see it as a Christmas hat and not just an extension from it’s deformed hat. He is also missing his right arm, but despite all of this, Regulus finds him crazily endearing.

And it is only because Regulus is so fucking bored that he starts talking to him. It starts with a ‘Happy Christmas’ and a nod towards the gnome. But then he starts talking about his Christmas present, and all hope for Regulus’ sanity has been lost.

“I just hope they like it, you know, like I know it is very forward, but they have been talking about it for years. And maybe I should have told James. James is my boyfriend, by the way, but James has such a blabber mouth that he would’ve spilt it. I just really want it to be a surprise, but now I’m scared that it won’t be received well, I don’t know.” Regulus starts

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

A car driving in circles 15 minutes before Christmas

“Where is it? I swear a cake just doesn’t fucking disappear,” James mumbles to himself. He had pulled off the road after, by pure accident, he had caught a glimpse of his backseat, which only contained one cake, where there should be two. James almost slammed the brakes, but since (1) that is highly dangerous and (2) he did not want to ruin the cake he did have left, he stopped that impulse and slowly pulled over.

But after a very vigorous investigation, James can confirm there is, in fact only one cake present in the car. It takes him a second (less vigorous) investigation to remember exactly where he had put the second cake. It takes him only one second to check that there is no more cake on top of his car or directly behind him for that matter.

That’s when he decides to retrace his steps and hopefully retrieve the cake in a somewhat intact state. No, James would not like to speak about his delusions. So that’s what he is doing now, driving very slowly back on the roads he came from, thanking whoever is responsible for making the road between his parents and Mary and Lily, mostly small roads with not that much traffic. 

He’s almost all the way back at his parents when he spots his mum's Christmas box on the ground. From afar, it looks primarily okay. He is so happy his mum takes the time to pack her cakes for travel perfectly, he has no idea what he would have done if it had just been a loose cake on the ground. But like this, he is sure that the cake should be mostly edible, so James parks his car (illegally) and starts walking towards the box. 

It is harder to spot without his car headlights, and James is almost sure he’s gone insane and must have imagined it when a car pulls up the road and lights the box up like a beacon in the dark. James runs for it the moment he spots it, but it seems like the car has the same idea, or at least a similar one, because it is not slowing down at all as it approaches the cake box on the ground.

The next minute happens in slow motion as James stops running to prevent being hit by a car and then starts extravagantly and comically waving his hands to fail at catching the attention of the car. And then he gets to watch with wide eyes as his mother’s beautiful cake gets run over by– after a second glace– his own friends.

This fact is confirmed when Marlene sticks her head out of the window and yells at the top of her lungs “James?”

“Marlene?” James yells the question back, their car has stopped now and reluctantly three people pop out, James is surprised to see Barty with the two girls but the shock from what just happened is more prominent in his mind right now.

“What was that?” Dorcas asks, her eyes are wide and James can hear the breathlessness in her voice.

“That was our cake,” He answers on an exhale, staring at what can only be described as a Christmas tragedy. Dorcas somehow managed to hit the cake right in the middle, the box is smashed flat, and the cake that used to be beautiful now lays exploded all over the street. 

All of his earlier delusions are shattered and represented as cake splatters on the car’s tyres. 

“Well that’s unfortunate,” Marlene mumbles, she has moved closer to the massacre and is now making a sour face as she looks down.

It truly is and James doesn’t know if his mum is some kind of psychic knowing that he would need two cakes or if he really is just that much of an idiot that he can’t even transport a cake for thirty minutes without it ending up all over the street.

In classic Marauder fashion they have a tiny funeral ceremony for said cake, James holds a speech, Barty cries, they all hug and move back to their respective cars. James offers one of them to ride with him, but they all decline. James doesn’t take it personal.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

A McDonald’s on Christmas time

“You don’t mind if we stop at the Mac, right?” Their taxi driver, Erin, says, is already pulling off at the next exit.

“Well, actually,” Remus starts, but he doesn’t even get to finish as the girl talks again.

“Awesome, I am starving,” She says.

Sirius knows they are close, Mary and Lily’s exit being the next one. But he is also aware that Christmas dinner was supposed to start 1 minute ago, and although they are close, they are not there . This also means that they do not have the time to stop at McDonalds, at all.

Erin does not seem to care about this as she pulls onto the McDonalds parking lot and pulls into an honestly ridiculous long line at the drive-through.

“Always such a long line at Christmas,”

“Always?” Sirius asks. He and Remus have been having some trouble wrapping their heads around the girl. When she had ped the bomb that she and Remus had dated, Sirius had initially been jealous. He was proud of it, but he had been. The clarification that they had dated for about two weeks when they were eight because they had been on the same camping site during the summer had quickly dissipated these feelings.

When the girl had started flirting with him, Sirius had been profusely amused, especially at Remus’ reaction. Because if there is one Remus Sirius likes, it is jealous Remus. Sirius had boasted at the attention of both sides.

Eventually, the conversation had stopped flowing, and the flirting stopped with it. Remus probably liked that Erin had stayed silent for the rest of the trip, until now.

“Oh yeah, I only do taxi driving on Christmas day. I thrive on other people’s stress.” 

“No Christmas to celebrate yourself?” Sirius asks, mostly just to be polite.

“Nah, Remus should know, but I don’t really celebrate Christmas.”

“For the last time, we were eight!” Remus exclaims from the back seat.

“You mean you don’t remember, darling? I’m hurt.” She puts her hand over her heart.

All Remus answers is a loud sigh, and their taxi driver just giggles. The line moves faster than expected, and after, she orders the most insane McDonald's order ever that has both him and Remus shaking their heads.

When she pulls out of the drive-through, they get met with a hilarious scene of a man being pushed out of a tiny car that had been stuffed to the brim. Three people, that are significantly shorter than the man hug him, while there’s a fourth head that just flips the man off. It happens so fast that Sirius only has to blink, and the three people resembling raccoons are back in the car and pulling off with a loud sound. Once they get a closer look at the man, Sirius realises he recognises him. 

Evan Rosier is standing in the middle of the McDonald's parking lot, looking a bit worse for wear, with just one backpack on his back. 

“Wait, stop the car,” Sirius exclaims, and he opens the door before it stops entirely. “Evan, what the fuck? Did you get kidnapped?”

“What? What are you doing here? Wait, no, I didn’t get kidnapped, what?” Evan answers, his eyes wide and unfocused, but he seems steady, at least. Sirius is still incredibly confused by how Evan got to this state in the first place, but he is glad that they do not also have a hospital trip to add to their Christmas day.

“Our incompetent taxi driver,” Sirius ignores the ‘hey’ he hears from said taxi driver, “was hungry, so we made a stop, just in time to see you get thrown out of a very sketchy-looking car,” Sirius says, pointing at empty space but hoping it is clear just which car he meant.

“Oh them, no, they are cool, batshit insane and podheads, but cool.”

“Ah, right up your alley you mean?” Sirius says with a laugh.

“Hey, fuck you, but does this mean I can just drive with you? I told them I could get another ride here, but I’m really tired of people.”

“Uhh yeah, sure man, we’re going to the same place anyway.” Sirius answers, not pointing out that they are, in fact, also people. It seems that is the last thing Evan needs right now.

He steers Evan to their car and Evan, not so gracefully, steps inside.

“Ooooh, more people,” Erin exclaims as Sirius takes his seat. Then she sniffs her nose, “Where’d you find this one, Amsterdam? Doesn’t matter anyway, another pretty person for me to flirt with.”

Sirius is about to pipe up that Evan is, in fact, taken and he also wants to mention the fact that he and Remus are, in fact, together, she doesn’t give him the chance, though.

“Oh, my girlfriend is going to laugh so hard, I can just hear her voice, ‘Erin, you’re a lesbian, leave these poor men alone’.” She’s smiling to herself when she says it. 

Sirius and Remus don’t even notice as they exclaim, “You’re a lesbian?”

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

The Evans-Macdonald residence half an hour after Christmas

Dorcas is surprised to see that they are the first to arrive. She knows that James is right behind her, of course. He is still a bit sullen after the whole cake disaster as he steps out of the car. She is less surprised to learn that they were, in fact, not the first and that a certain black brother named Regulus is hiding behind the bushes and talking to a garden gnome?

James is not deterred by this and scoops his boyfriend up in a hug the minute he is spotted. Dorcas does not let the fact that Regulus is now wrapped around his boyfriend deter her from interrogating him. 

“What were you doing hiding in the bushes, Regulus?” She asks, putting her hands on her hips and trying to look stern, but she fails when a giggle escapes her mouth.

Regulus ignores her by kissing his boyfriend, and Dorcas and Marlene need no communication to start gagging at the sight. 

Barty doesn’t let either thing happen for long before he says, “I am starving, so I am going in.” He then walks forward. He does not get far before being smacked in the face by the inflatable Santa tube that this apartment building donned as an ‘appropriate’ Christmas decoration.

This makes all of them laugh, a stitch already forming in Dorcas’ stomach, and Regulus walks forward, somehow believing he won’t meet the same fate. He is wrong, and it seems the Santa has some kind of personal vendetta against Regulus because that hit was significantly harder than Barty’s.

Another round of laughter gets started but is cut off again, this time by the sound of tyres screeching and three men loudly exiting a black cab. Dorcas hasn’t deciphered their faces yet when James jumps up and yells, “Sirius.”

The next minute, six people are staring at James and Sirius, hugging and exclaiming their love, and doing everything except kissing on the mouth. Honestly, Dorcas would be disgusted and annoyed by their overly display of love if it weren’t for the fact that she knew they hadn’t seen each other in months. And when she spots the look on Remus' face as his husband gets more love in the world is making it all worth it.

Dorcas spots movement in her peripheral vision and watches how Evan slowly strolls over to where Barty is still nursing his wounds from a Santa Claus hit. Sees that Evan punches Barty in the same place he was rubbing his hands seconds before; watches how Barty looks up, recognises his boyfriend, murmurs something with a smirk and then full-on grabs Evan’s face and starts making out right there on the front lawn of Mary and Lily’s apartment building. And then, because irony is Dorcas’ best friend, the Santa tube hits Evan in the back of his head, too.

This third round of laughter seems to alert the hostesses to their presence. Two heads quickly poke out of the outside door, and a loud round of cheers sounds until they are inside. 

Dorcas is sure someone says ‘welcome’, and she hears many ‘happy Christmases’ go around. Coats are taken off, presents are dumped, kisses on cheeks are delivered, and smiles get exchanged. Seats get taken, stories get exchanged and not a single silence is heard until someone–Dorcas couldn’t for her life determine who–yells over all the commotion, “Where is Pandora?”

And in some grant display of Christmas magic, Pandora steps out from behind Evan and Barty like she has been here all this time, “here.” 

Half of the people at the table shrug, assuming Pandora must have entered during all the commotion, but they just hadn’t noticed. But Lily is not one of those as she gapes her mouth wide open and gaping at Pandora.

“When did you enter?” Lily asks, bewildered.

“Around eleven, like I said I would”, Pandora answers with that sweet smile of hers.

It’s Mary’s turn to ask the next question, or more yell a word, “What?”

“You’ve been here the entire time?” Lily adds.

“Yes, who do you think baked the cookies or put the chicken in the oven, or, I don’t know, set the table?” She accuses, but her tone is light.

“I thought you did that?” Mary and Lily exclaim at the same time, looking at each other.

Everyone laughs at their display while Mary and Lily gush apologies and thank you’s at Pandora, who waves them all away.

Conversation starts up again and laughter doesn’t stop as everyone recounts their extreme adventures on getting here, they start a betting pool on whose is the worst and it’s a close race but Barty and Evan win in the end. The entire table has a round of slapping Barty over the head when Evan tells them his boyfriend had known the man was a criminal. Remus and Sirius get prized with the most unfortunate adventure, Dorcas and Marlene just get laughed at when they tell their own story. James gets pats on the back for his troubles and Regulus, Regulus had stayed silent. 

They all stare at him expectantly, hoping for another fun story to laugh at for years. Regulus doesn’t give them this, he just states that his train ride was fine and he had no delays coming here, but that he did have an announcement to make.

They all watch in wonder as Regulus stands up from his seat and clears his throat. “I want to start this by saying I know I am not the best at expressing emotions but I appreciate all of you idiots.” This earns him a round of awes.

“I am aware that we don’t really do speeches at Christmas, and I, least of all, do speeches. I am also aware that presents are exchanged after dinner but my present for these people unfortunately can’t wait.” Everyone swivels their heads at Sirius and James immediately, who unexpectedly are seated next to each other. 

But Regulus throws them all a curve ball when he continues, “Mary and Lily, I want to thank you for offering to host this year, it must have been stressful.” They nod in acknowledgement, “I also know that there is one gift you have been talking about for years and, as the biggest cliche there is, I have given it to you.” Regulus finishes, handing them over a large box.

Lily and Mary stare at it for a second before their shock is taken over by curiosity and they lift the top. No one is prepared for the grey and black ball of fur that jumps out of the box and at them. 

Someone (Barty) yells “it’s a rat” and ducks under the table. 

It is of course not a rat, but a cat. A pet Mary and Lily have been talking about getting for years, ever since they got their own apartment really but something they just never got around to doing.

“I hope it’s not too forward,” Regulus mumbles.

“He is perfect,” Lily exclaims, scrambling up and out of her seat, cuddling the kitten to her chest as she walks over. Mary is quick to follow and everyone laughs as they kiss both of his cheeks and Regulus goes bright red and wipes his cheeks quickly.

Regulus, thoughtful as ever, has gotten them most of the essentials already and tells them to look for them under the tree after dinner. They almost get up to kiss him again, but the sour look Regulus sends them is enough to keep them seated and give their thanks vocally. 

The kitten does a round of napping on everyone’s lap during dinner until eventually making it back to Lily. Who almost looks more happy than she did when Mary asked her to marry her. But it’s okay since Mary mirrors her expression with just as much glee.

The kitten gets lost once during the whole affair, but is quickly found again during his efforts to try and climb the Christmas tree. He had not gotten far before being scooped up again and finding a new lap to play in. Remus’s lap was the most popular, as the cat kept trying to scramble under his sweater and stay there. As someone who has worn Remus’ sweaters once in a while Dorcas agrees its a good place to be.

A loud thunk sounds outside the front window, “What was that?” Three people say at the same time, while the rest looks around for an explanation. But then a new bottle of wine gets opened and the collective cheer that louds through the house and the sound is long forgotten.

“To friends,” Mary says lifting her glass.

“To holidays” Marlene joins in.

“To love,” James says lifting his own glass.

“To wine” Barty adds, lifting his empty glass, which quickly gets filled by the new bottle.

Everyone laughs at the wine that spills all over Barty’s hand and arm while he just groans and licks it off.

“To Pandora” Lily yells.

“To Pandora” everyone choruses.

⋆⁺₊❅.☃︎⋆⁺₊❅.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS