Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

At the Princeton Planesboro Teaching Hospital, Dr. Gregory House was briskly walking past Cuddy's office. He had just arrived but he could already feel something different in the atmosphere. There was lots of rushing around, but apart from existing patients, the hospital was oddly quiet.

“House, I need you in here. We need to go over this new case.” Cuddy called from her office. House quickly popped another Vicodin . He could tell this conversation was going to hurt.

“What's going on? I can tell the circus isn't running as usual, so who died?”

Cuddy rolled her eyes, “It's your new patient actually. A bit of a superstar. Picky, rude, and he's all yours.” She pushed the case file across her desk.

“Mmmm, sounds like a match made in heaven.” replied House as he flipped through the folder before tossing it down again, “Either this is the wrong file, or our Mr. Heinlein has a severe case of the blank."

"Well, when he said he needed an exorcism, I didn't think I needed to waste the ink writing it down. And no, I'm not kidding.” Cuddy stood up and started to walk out of the office.

House followed “Just tell the nut to go see the local witch doctor...” He paused, trying to figure out why that wasn't already the case, “unless money speaks louder then words."

Cuddy gave a knowing smile "And this guy just seems to have an endless supply. But while I appreciate his substantial 'donations,' I won't allow the hospital's resources to be wasted on this imbecile. You will be the only one spending their time on the case, which is perfect, because he asked specifically for just you. Chase, Cameron and Forman will deal with the real patients.”

"Well does he want a competent team of medical professionals, or just an angry cripple? I need my team if I'm going to get anything done.”

“House, this is his fourth recorded case of going to respected hospitals asking for 'spiritual treatment,'” Cuddy interjected. “He completely refuses traditional medicine and the only things he's suffering from are his own delusions. I just figured if I pit two big egos against one another, one of you will walk away angry, and the hospital gets free funding.”

House was already angry, “And if I refuse to play this little game?”

Cuddy wasn’t concerned, “I think you'll also find that your paycheck should be large enough to cover any lost pride. As well as any other unhealthy addictions.”

“Will I get extra points if I act like I care?”

“No, but you will do it. One last little catch, your team will be replaced with four doctors that our client spent a small fortune to bring in.”

“Ok, now that is a deal breaker. I'm not working with some mystical oculists. If I'm doing this at all, its going to be alone.”

“Sorry but the terms are non-negotiable. Besides, they are already here.” Cuddy pointed down to the lobby, “It's bad manners to keep your new colleagues waiting.”

House stared in awe at the brightly colored group, “Is that a samurai sword? Sure beats a scalpel. I'm not working with these clowns, you know that right?”

“Aww, and here I thought some new toys would cheer you up. Honestly, I don't care what you do with them. After they meet the client and perform their arcane rituals, feel free to fire them as fast as possible.” Cuddy started to walk back to her office, “Just get to it soon, I don't want this lasting more then a day.”

“Aye aye captain.” House gave a cheesy salute to Cuddy. He was already thinking of how to turn this into another game, and how to use his newest set of players.

-------------------- 

Earlier...

In the middle of Ikebukuro, in a small high rise apartment, the black rider recounted the events of the day before being interrupted by two loud knocks at the door.

“Here Celty I'll get it” assured Shinra, rushing to the door, still in his cooking apron. “Yes, who is it?”

“Hello, is this the residence of Dr. Kishitani?” replied the voice.

“Ah yes, that would be me.” Shinra propped the door open, with the chain lock still in place. He didn't recognize the man's voice, and you could never be too sure about mysterious strangers at this time of the night, especially in Ikebukuro.

“And to whom am I speaking?”

“My name is not important. I'm a representative of Mr. Heinlein. He is in immediate need of a medical specialist.” Shinra peeked through the door crack to get a better look at the representative. The man looked like a secret agent complete with black suit, earpiece, and shades.

“Sorry but I'm not working right now, and I don't take on jobs from just anyone. There are plenty of other hospitals around that you can take Mr. Heinlein to” Shinra said hurriedly, trying to close the door, only to have the move blocked by the representative’s shoe.

“No, I'm afraid my client needs a doctor more experienced with the supernatural; one such as yourself. He is willing to pay upwards of ten million dollars for your services.”

Celty stood up from the couch and walked to the door upon hearing Shinra's struggle with dislodging the man's foot.

“..Yes that sounds great,” groaned Shinra, motioning to Celty for help, “but I'm quite busy with personal matters right now. If you could just come back later, I would be happy to help with your client's problem.”

“Sir, there will be plenty of time for personal matters on the plane flight to the States. The situation is urgent.” The man tried to keep the door open.

Celty quickly shoved her phone in the man's face through the door crack. The phone read: This flight and the room and board will all be payed for?_

“Uh, yes,” The man stammered as he read through the text, “You will be given a temporary house stay near the hospital where my client is located, but the flight needs to leave very soon sir.”

Celty paused to type out another message: And would Dr. Kishitani be able to bring anyone else on this trip?_

“Y-yes..you can bring as many guests as you want sir.” The man waited as Celty unlatched the chain on the door.

“Celty what are you doing?” protested Shinra, “We can't trust him. How can we be sure this isn't all a hoax?”

Celty flipped her phone to face Shinra: He looks fine enough. When was the last time you went to America, or had the chance to make this much money? This could be fun._

Shinra adjusted his glasses, “Well, if you think it's okay, then I suppose we could…” he conceded as Celty pumped her fist excitedly.

“When do we leave?” said Shinra, exasperated, and exhausted.

 --------------------

Even earlier...

Deep in the halls of Eientei, the lunar princess was very excited.

“Eirin Eirin Eirin!” shouted Kaguya as she ran through the main passage.

“Yes, Kaguya, I heard you the first time” said Eirin as she stepped through one of the hall's sliding doors, “No need for all the yelling. What's the matter?”

“The tengu brought the mail and there was a letter addressed to you. Can I open it?”

“Kaguya,” Eirin began with a sigh as she sat down, “You mustn’t open letters that are not addressed to you.”

“Well how was I supposed to know that? I never get any letters at all anymore! How come the first letter we get in at least 100 years is for you and not me? I'm the princess! I should be the one getting loads of letters!”

“Well a good start to getting more letters would be to get out of the mansion a bit more dear. I keep telling you, honestly. Here, I'll open the letter and you read it, okay? I still don't know who would send a letter here addressed to me and not you though..”

“Exactly,” boasted Kaguya as Eirin split the envelope open, “Just wait, soon I'll be getting piles of love letters from silly humans who were enchanted by my beauty. And I will turn them all down one by one, with tear wrenching responses that will leave their hearts forever broken. This letter will be the beginning of a new age for us Eirin!”

“Uh uhumm...” mumbled Eirin as she read through the letter.

“HEY! I thought you said that I would get to read it!” pouted Kaguya.

“No matter, it was an absolutely preposterous request from someone in the human world.” Said Erin, tossing the letter to Kaguya, “They think that they can just buy my services for a treatment that isn't even worth my time. What is our reputation coming to these days? Perhaps I need to get out more as well.”

“It says here that they would pay you in gold bars...” mused Kaguya as she read through the letter.

Eirin rested her head in her arms “Yes and for such a simple procedure. But its not like we need any more lavish furnishings around here anyway. What would we even do with that much gold?”

“Fashion me a dress out of pure gold of course!” exclaimed Kaguya, “How do you expect me to go to the human village wearing this old kimono? I need a sixth treasure; a golden dress! You said yourself the cure was easy, so just go to the human world for a few days and come back with lots of gold.”

Kaguya twirled around the room in bemusement, her mind filled with thoughts of shimmering gold, while Eirin was completely shocked.

“Are you sure you want me to do this? Who will take care of you while I'm away?” said Eirin, already starting to fret.

“Eirin don't worry, I'll be fine. I still have all the rabbits, and maybe living on my own for a few days won't be so bad.”

Stunned by Kaguya's sudden interest in independence, Eirin quickly took advantage. “Well if you're sure, then I suppose the experience could be beneficial for both of us. I'll visit Yukari about crossing the border immediately.”

“Remember to bring back lots of gold!” Kaguya called out, as she continued to dance around the room.

 --------------------

Even earlier then that...

Somewhere in the center of Nevada, at the center of the DWMA, Lord Shinigami and Spirit were in deep discussion of how to handle a recent unusual request when Dr. Stein entered.

“Ah Stein you've arrived. We were just talking about you!” Shinigami-sama exclaimed excitedly, “A very interesting situation has come up that requires your presence.”

“Yeah, we're sending you to go patch up some old guy” blared Spirit, right before Death-sama carved a rectangle into his head with a swift chop. Stein watched silently, unamused.

“You see Stein, the DWMA has suffered its fair share of damages over the years, many of them even caused by yourself.” Death-sama twiddled his enormous hands as he paced around the room, “Now I'm not trying to blame you, or your students, but the academy is in desperate need of repairs.”

“Get the janitor to do something about it.” Stein replied, removing the cigarette from his mouth, “Or have Sid take care of it. Do we even have a janitor for the school?”

“You see Stein, that’s just the problem,” Death-sama said gravely, “We just don't have the money to afford the janitor anymore! He charged a very high fee!”

“So it's a money problem? In that case ask another staff member. None of my experiments are very valuable, and I'm not parting with them.” Stein turned to leave, but something grabbed at his ankle.

“We don't want your experiments dumbass,” sputtered Spirit as he crawled towards Stein, “We want you to be a doctor and practice some medicine!”

“Oh?” said Stein, gently kicking Spirit's hand off his leg, “And how will this help with the academy’s finances?”

“Someone from outside the DWMA, a normal human very high in status, requested your medical expertise for a ghost removal procedure. They will pay a DWMA a huge sum of money, which is also the same form of payment the janitor accepts!” shouted Death-sama, as he made vigorous chopping motions, accidentally striking down Spirit again, “Whoops! Perfect isn't it?”

“Fine, sounds easy. I'll do it” accepted Stein, “Anything else?”

“Ah yes, you'll be taking Marie with you. We can't have your madness getting out of hand, and I believe she is up for a vacation anyway. How wonderfully romantic!” said Death-sama with a blush.

“Sure sure, just tell me where to go and where to cut.” Stein murmered as he walked away, “Some vacation this will be...”

 --------------------

Way way earlier...

On the Grand Line, at the bottom of the sea, it was a particularly uneventful day for the Heart Pirates. Bepo sat in the middle of the sub, fanning himself repeatedly to deal with the heat, as the other crew members removed their coats to cool down. Their captain, Trafalgar Law, leaned against the back wall, his eyes closed.

“How much longer are we gonna have to stay by this deep sea vent Law?” moaned Bepo, “You know I can't handle high temperatures like these. My fur gets all sticky!” Bepo continued to roll across the floor, creating even more of a smelly mess. The other crew members lowered their heads in unison, once again ashamed of their first mate's weakness.

“We'll be out of the trench soon, don't worry.” But before Law could say anything else, the transponder snail in the cockpit started to blare with a distress signal.

“Somebody answer the damn thing.” The other crew members rushed to be the first to pick it up, but only slipped in the puddle of sweat Bepo had made on the floor. Law unceremoniously stepped over them, picking up the snail in the cockpit.

“Is this thing on? I've never used a snail before...” mumbled a confused voice on the other end.

“YO, what the hell's the matter old man? You got the wrong number, this the Heart Pirates. Now tell me where all your treasure's at or get lost.”

“Is this Dr. Law speaking? I have a very import...”

“I thought I said, treasure or shut your mouth. Now are you gonna hang up, or am I gonna have to hang you up with a noose?” Law interjected calmly. There was a rustle of papers on the other end and the sound of multiple panicked voices.

“Ten million Beli sir.” There was a pause on the line as they waited for a response. Law let out a long whistle, tilting his head back to the snail.

“You fucking joking with me? The hell are you guys, a bunch a' world nobles?” He let out a small chuckle, “If you're serious that’s great, but otherwise I'm gonna cut you into ten million pieces. So which is it?”

“Very serious sir. We have an extremely ill client who needs an expert surgeon as soon as possible.” The rest of the crew had gathered around the snail trying to grasp snippets of the conversation.

“So you want Dr. Death to operate for the tune of a small fortune? Put the money up front and you've got yourself a deal. Now, just where the hell are you?” Law asked, shielding the snail from Bepo's sniffing nose.

“A long ways away sir. A long ways away...” The men on the phone began to recite the directions, as Law marked them out on a nearby map. Finished, he hung up the snail, the other crew members staring on in befuddlement as he walked to the back of the sub.

“Does this mean we are gonna be the richest pirates on the Grand line?” asked Bepo inquisitively.

“Yeah,” said Law with a widening smile, “but we're gonna have to stay in this vent for a whole lot longer.”

The crew's wails of protest were heard all the way to the surface.

Chapter Text

House hobbled his way into the office. “Today's lesson class, is that with enough money you can buy anything.”

Foreman gave a shrug, “Never knew you to be such a sellout.”

“Indeed. What will the fans think of me now?” replied House, settling down into his chair. “I assume Cuddy already briefed you on how to rebuke the devil? Cameron, go get the holy water, but be careful not to touch it.”

Cameron stood up, “Cuddy already told us about the situation, the other doctors, and the unusual request. She also said not to bother you while you had your hands full with the new case. I think this meeting is over.” She started to leave, with Chase and Foreman also rising to exit.

House acted like he didn't care either way, “I guess I'll just have to let our guests roam free, dispensing medical justice as they see fit. A shame they don't have anyone to show them around, cause I'll just be spending the next two hours in here, finding patterns in the ceiling.” House had already started to quizzical gaze upwards.

Chase took the bait, “You aren’t seriously going to let them just wander around the hospital? That's just about the last thing we need right now, with everybody already in a panic.”

House raised his hands, pleading innocent, “I know that taking a few minutes out of your busy busy schedule to help out a old man like me is a huge request but maybe...”

Cameron felt like she was about to fall asleep from House's bullshit. “Spare me the sympathy. What do you want us to do?”

House gave them a victorious grin, “All I need you three for, is to simply give these other doctors a tour of the facilities, and play a little detective. What planet do they come from? Are they insane, or merely crazy? Are they qualified for anything at all? These are questions I need to know people.” House clapped his hands together with bravado, “Not too hard right?”

“Play a little detective?” Forman raised an eyebrow, “Sounds like you're asking for a full history.”

“That is exactly what I'm asking for, but apparently there is a tidy sum of absolutely nothing known about any of them.” House shook out the empty folders Cuddy had given him for emphasis.

“Come on, there has to be something...” replied Chase in disbelief.

“Unsurprisingly, no. Apparently people who live under rocks aren’t to keen on the census either.” said House, acting quickly to avoid interruption. “Assignments! I'll take the only one that has an home address, if he can find me. Chase you get the kid surgeon, Cameron gets the nurse from the Quing dynasty, and Foreman can handle Frankenstein's monster. Better get to them quick. Last I saw, one was accusing another of raising the undead.”

Forman remained apprehensive, his hand in the door. “Remind me why we have to do this again?”

House gave him a sour frown, “What? I have to give reasons with my orders now? Get out and play doctor with your new friends.” He pointed his cane towards the exit and the three begrudgingly left. Popping another pill, House leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed, not fully ready for what was to come.

--------------------

Cameron stared ahead at the supposed medical professional she had been told to tour. The woman was a little shorter then Cameron, with a gigantic braid of gray hair that almost reached the floor. She was wearing a strange dichromic red and blue silk dress that had a distinctly oriental pattern. Her nurse cap shared the same pattern with a red cross symbol. In her hands was an enormous bow that she held to the side, but would have easily been higher then Cameron if stood upright. An equally large quiver was strapped to her shoulder, with a leather bracer wrapped around her arm. She looked like she had stepped right out of feudal Japan, and Cameron was sure she was the one House assigned her.

Cameron approached her apprehensively, “Hello, I'm Dr. Allison Cameron.” Her hand outstretched. Eirin quickly shook Cameron's hand with a firm grip, “Dr. Eirin Yagokoro. A pleasure to meet you. And will you be providing an overview of the facilities before I meet with Mr. Heinlein?”

“Ah yes. Could you leave the archery equipment at the front desk though?”

“Of course. How rude of me.” Eirin unstrapped her gear and hurried back to the main desk. Cameron still wasn’t sure what to make of her, though she seemed friendly at least. Upon returning, Eirin whipped out a folded lab coat from her dress pocket, throwing on the sleeves as she walked past Cameron

“I suppose this is more appropriate attire for a hospital. Please, lead the way.”

Cameron walked ahead of Eirin, “Mind if I ask some questions along the way? We know nothing about you.”

Eirin closed her eyes with a look of knowing “Not surprising, but yes, ask away.”

“Ok, so where are you from?”

“Well I was born in the lunar capital, but now I live in Gensokyo, Japan.”

“You expect me to believe you were born on the moon?” Cameron raised a doubtful eyebrow.

“Frankly, I don't expect you to believe anything I say. This doesn’t make it any less true.” Eirin responded calmly, “In fact it might be better if you don't believe me, I wouldn’t want to put your life in danger.”

Cameron had to hold back her smile “Oh of course, I'm the one in danger. What? Is the government after you?”

Eirin gave a tiny giggle “Actually yes, but not any government you know. Anyway, like I said, I'm not here to joke with you. A patient needs my help and I need my payment. You are simply a very curious obstacle that I am growing tired with. There is nothing I need to prove to you, now take me to my client.”

Cameron was having none of it, “Actually, there is something you need to prove, which is your ability to practice medicine. See, here on Earth, you have to have what's called a 'license' to be what's called a 'medical professional.' It doesn’t matter what you or Mr. Heinlein says, I'm not letting you practice here unless you prove yourself to be at least half-way competent. Got it?” Cameron stopped to face her.

Eirin gave a deep sigh “I suppose it's only reasonable that I demonstrate my abilities.” She said uncaring, letting out a yawn, “Which one of these miserable patients should I cure to assure my complete superiority over you?”

Cameron was sick and tired of Eirin's high and mighty attitude. More then anything, she wanted to completely embarrass her. A inexperienced doctor like her would probably look for only physical symptoms and be too quick to jump to a cure. A patient with a tumor in the brain would make Eirin look like a fool.

“Come with me.” said Cameron with a smile, leading them to a terminal cancer patient she knew under Wilson's care. The patient had refused radiation therapy, was high functioning, and very friendly. She could fool anyone into thinking she was fine.

“Here. This is Ms. Greyson. Can you figure out whats wrong with her?” Cameron turned to the elderly women in the bed. “Ms. Greyson, this is Dr. Yagokoro. She thinks she might have a new treatment for you.”

Without another word Eirin leapt to kneel beside the women on her stretcher. Ms. Greyson could only hold an expression of shock as Eirin quickly examined her with a morbid expression. Cameron was about to chuckle, when Eirin turned around with a dead serious look in her eye, as she removed a stereoscope from her coat pocket.

“Don't worry, I've never let a patient die on me yet.” Eirin ran the stethoscope over the woman’s body stopping to listen intently on her chest.

“Dear it's all right, I understand I'm going to die. You don't have to worry. I'm at peace now.” said the woman resting her hand on Eirin's, who merely ignored her and placed the stethoscope on Ms. Greyson's forehead. Cameron couldn’t tell what was going on at this point, and what Eirin was hoping to find with only a stethoscope. Before she could make any snarky suggestions, Eirin let out a huge sigh and stood up.

“Well that was a relief. I have good news for you Ms. Greyson, you only have brain cancer. For a second I was worried you were in critical condition, but luckily for us, the tumor is still curable.” She clasped her hands together applying light pressure, and when she opened her palms, there were three white pills which Eirin handed to Ms. Greyson. Cameron was impressed she had figured it out, but thinking that there was still a treatment was just desperate.

“Simply take one of these pills with your tea for the next three days and you will be at full health in no time.” Sincere as she sounded, Cameron was not amused by her silly placebo magic trick, and even the woman covered her hand over the pills.

“I don't need more pills doctor, I just need to rest.”

Eirin looked furious, but quickly calmed down, still seething with anger, “Still you doubt me. If you rest the tumor will only continue to grow and you will die!” Pressing her hands together, much harder this time, she unclasped them slowly, pulling out a small syringe with pink liquid. Cameron swore she had pulled the needle right out of her palm.

“Here, just let me give you a shot of this and you'll be all better. You'll feel the effects right away. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.” said Eirin with her biggest grin. Ms. Greyson agreed and so Eirin gave her a careful shot on her arm. Cameron wasn’t sure if she should do something but Eirin seemed intent on giving the shot. If this had no effect, Cameron would know she was a fraud for sure. When Eirin removed the needle, the woman's eyes had closed to a squint, as if she was going to pass out.

“What was that stuff you gave her?” Cameron was getting worried. Ms. Greyson looked liked she had gone into a coma.

Eirin dropped her smile, “You will take one of these pills each day at lunch for three days. These pills will make you better, and they are the only thing that will. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.” She then gave a loud snap of her fingers in front of the woman's face. The woman sprung awake and quickly scooped up the pills from Eirin's hand, clutching them tightly to her chest.

“I said, what the hell did you give her?” Cameron was shouting now, and grabbed Eirin's shoulder. She brushed Cameron's hand off, standing up on her own. “A light hypnosis serum, but enough to do the trick.”

Cameron was outraged, “No, you gave her some sort of liquid Scopolamine to trick her into talking your fucking pills! I'll have you arrested for this.”

Eirin looked amused, “Oh really? What's this in your pocket though?” She said as she pulled out another syringe filled with the pink liquid. “Hmm, looks like you have some too. What were you planning to do with this?”

Cameron looked around nervously, and people were beginning to stare at the two. “I don't know how you're doing these magic tricks,” she said in a quiet voice, “But you will stop right now. I will not have you making a mockery of this hospital.”

With a soft laugh, Eirin tilted her head back and Cameron watched in horror as she squirted all of the pink fluid down her throat. “Make me! It should be easy for you now, if this serum is what you think.”

“No, I'm not playing any more games!” But Cameron realized Eirin wasn't looking, instead she had lowered her eyes and appeared to be in the same trance Ms. Greyson had been in. People were starting to stop and watch. Cameron had to do something to make her leave. Leaning into her, Cameron whispered into Eirin's ear, “Get out of this hospital and never come back.” She then snapped her fingers in Eirin's face.

There was a brief pause and she whispered back, “No.” Slowly opening her eyes, she began to walk past Cameron. She motioned for Cameron to follow, “Walk with me.”

Cameron walked beside her, “What was that about? What do you want? What's even going on!?”

“Like I told you, it was a light hypnosis serum. I only affects the weak minded. I think we would get along much better I you could give me even a modicum of your trust.”

“Fine. Say I believe you. You're from the moon and make pills from your bare hands. There's a cure for cancer and hypnotism can be bottled. You win, Happy?”

“When you live forever, petty battles are all that you have left to win.” Eirin turned around, wearing a pleasant expression for once. “I just want to cure my client and get paid. But I also want to teach you a little something. The only question is: are you willing to learn?”

--------------------

Forman immediately knew which of the new doctors he had been assigned to tour. House hadn't been kidding when he said Frankenstein's monster. This guy was covered from head to toe in scars and stitches, with a giant metal bolt sticking through his head. Even his oversized lab coat had stitches and matched the color of his dirty gray hair. He practically towered above Forman, probably around 7'6. Forman could almost hear the creaks of wood as Stein shifted his neck to face him.

“Yes?” Stein said with almost no emotion looking down at Forman. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a cigarette.

“I'm Dr. Forman, and you are..? Also we don't allow smoking in the building.”

“Dr. Stein.” Stein stared at his cigarette with contempt, shoving it back in his pocket, “I've been trying to quit anyway.”

“Just a wild guess, but is your first name Franken by any chance?”

“How did you know...” Stein droned.

Forman couldn't tell if this was a joke, or if Stein really was this apathetic. “Are you ok there?”

“Stein! Are you making friends without me?” Someone across the lobby had shouted. Forman looked behind Stein to see a blond woman in a black dress run towards Stein, giving him a huge hug. She was pretty tall, with a lightning-shaped eye patch.

“Hello, I'm Marie Mjölnir, Steins's partner. Are you here to give us the tour of the hospital?” She seemed to just ooze happiness and excitement, unlike the depressed Stein.

“Yes, follow me.” Forman wasn’t really sure where he was going to lead the pair. Distracting them until House was done pouting would probably be fine.

“So how did you get those scars?” Forman questioned.

“Ah these old things?” Stein said, almost fondly, “Human experimentation is frowned on at the DWMA, so I just dissected myself. Good times.” Stein actually seemed to be blissful, but Marie looked unsettled by the subject.

“So will Stein be working with you and the other doctors to cure Mr. Heinlein?”

“Uh no, he'll be working with Dr. House. He's a medical genius, but a bit of an ass most of the time. I'm sure you'll find something good about him. By the way, what did you mean when you said you were 'partners'?”

“Uhhhmmm,” Marie seemed to be waiting for Stein to answer, but he didn't appear to have acknowledged the question at all. “Well, we work together. I'm his weapon and calm him down. We're still best friends.” You didn't have to read between the lines to see she had wanted to say their relationship was something more, but Forman was more interested in something else.

“Weapon? You mean like a bodyguard?”

“Um no, I'm a death scythe and Stein is a meister.” Marie sounded like she had made it all clear, but Forman was only more confused.

“Yeah, I don't know what whose terms mean, could you explain a bit more? Care to help Stein?”

Marie looked at Stein, perplexed. “He doesn't know about the DWMA? Where should I start?”

“Why don't you just tell him what we do?” Stein suggested, extending a hand.

“Of course!” Marie exclaimed triumphantly. Forman wasn’t sure if he blinked, but he swore that one minute Marie was standing beside Stein and the next she was gone. There was also a small black tonfa in Stein's hand.

Forman was a bit mystified. “Where did she go?” Stein simply held the tonfa closer to Forman. He could see it had the same thunderbolt pattern as Marie's dress and eyepatch.

Forman folded his arms, “You're kidding me. You expect me to believe she's the weapon? That’s impossible.”

“Believe what you want or what you see.” Stein said with a smile. Forman caught it this time, the tonfa dissipated in a white bolt that instantly reformed into Marie. Forman knew what he saw, but he couldn't just take Stein's word for it. There were a million ways it could have just been a magic trick.

“Yup, that’s what a death scythe does,” said Marie confidently.

Stein was a little displeased, “I did say tell, not show. This will make it harder to explain.” His brief smile had faded. “Simply put, The DWMA trains demon weapons, people with the ability to turn into weapons, to work together with meisters to stop the spread of madness in the world.”

“Well I can't deny what I saw, which should have been physically impossible. Why are you here though? I don't think this hospital is a good source of madness.” Forman tried to flip Stein's explanation back at him.

“Well it is a good source of income, and I am a doctor.”

Forman was relieved by the return to sanity, “Ok, finally a subject I can understand. I don't really care how you two did the disappearing act, I have other things to worry about. I just need to see some proof you can practice medicine. Understand?”

“Stein, show him the wavelength therapy technique you've been practicing!” Marie seemed to have returned to her full exuberance, following Stein as he wordlessly obeyed her request. They approached the nearest patient's room, a young man in a hospital bed. He looked uncomfortable, though not in a great deal of pain at the moment. Stein lorded over him, holding one hand above the man's chest while he adjusted his head screw with the other.

“This man has chronic arthritis, he's been with us for a while. So what exactly is he planning to do?” Forman questioned Marie, but Stein was first to respond.

“If I can match our soul wavelengths exactly, my soul force will heal him rather then hurt like hell. It's not an exact science yet.”

Forman only caught the first part of what Stein said, “Your soul wavelength?”

The patient only caught the end, “Wait - what are you doing?”

“This is gonna hurt like hell.” Stein leaned down, donning a huge grim, and without another word, slammed his palm directly into the man's stomach. There was a crackle of blue lightning and Forman rushed over to see if he was ok.

The man was in a state of shock, gaping at where Stein had struck him. “AHH! Holy shit! Actually, that feels really good. Woah.” He looked up at Forman, “Is he some kind of magic chiropractor?”

“Still trying to find out.” Forman said with a shrug of his shoulders and followed Stein out of the room. “Explain how you did that again. What was the lightning? was that like, electroshock therapy?”

“Tried that one time with Maire. Didn't have any effect.” Stein mused, “No, I calibrated my soul wavelength to match his, so that my blow would amplify his own wavelength. Understand?”

Forman was still lost, “Well I understand the physics of amplitude and wavelength, but what is a 'soul wavelength' if I might ask?”

Marie chimed in, “It's like a measure of a person's nature and condition rolled up into a big ball that you can see floating around someone. Only some meisters can see them, and Stein is the only one who can control his directly through the head screw he got from that laboratory accident. Demon weapons can only feel the larger wavelengths.”

Stein nodded his head in agreement “Though I never said it was an accident...”

“So you can see how people are feeling and their personalities from afar? Is this how you diagnose your patients?” Forman was genuinely curious.

“It helps,” Stein adjusted his head screw, while pointing across the lounge, “But only for some cases. For example, that man has ringworm, she has a blood parasite, and the man in the room beside us is bleeding profusely. Physical symptoms and living organisms are easy to see, but otherwise the standard human soul doesn’t show much.”

Forman didn't have to check the patient's papers to know Stein was right, “Impressive trick. What does my soul look like?”

“Marie, move aside, your soul is covering his up.” Stein squinted at Forman “It's small and dark blue. All I can see that you still don't believe me.”

“Disappearing act, electrode in your sleeve, and reading the patient's papers beforehand? Sorry but I'm not convinced. I can tell you are a nice guy, but I don't think you're a doctor.”

Stein's glasses gave a reflective shine. “Let's see how much of a doctor you are huh? I want to see what's in your insides that makes you so special. I'm gonna dissect you!” Stein's hand shot towards Forman's face, stopping only inches away, as Marie grabbed his arm midair. Forman could feel the electricity arcing off of Stein's fingers, and looking down his sleeve there was no hidden device. Marie forcefully dragged Stein's arm down, positioning herself between him and Forman.

“STOP IT! Stein I know you're better then this!” She turned to Forman, “I think you were right about what you said, but you also need to give him a second chance. He just needs to try a simple surgery. I know he can do it!” Marie let his arm drop. Forman didn't know whether to trust Marie's confidence or his own instincts, which were telling him to run.

“Ok, ok. Maybe I judged you two too quickly. I'll set you up with a standard operation to test your abilities. Will that be enough?”

“Of course! We won't fail!” Marie said with supreme confidence, looking towards Stein.

He tilted his head back and forth “Perhaps I have gotten rusty...” Marie gave an approving smile. Approaching the nearest set of glass doors, Stein gave a double palm strike, shattering them across the floor.

“Time to operate. The doctor is in! SANE!”

Forman pointed down the adjacent hallway. “Actually, the operating rooms are down here.”

--------------------

Chase was fairly sure that the young man left in the lobby was the surgeon House had assigned him. Problem was, Chase couldn't tell if he had just walked in from the street or not. The young man looked to be in his 20's, with spotted jeans and a black-sleeved yellow hoodie. His arms were covered in tattoos and he had a white fur hat. Strapped to his shoulder was a huge black nodachi. Upon seeing Chase, he gave a tip of his hat. “So are you the tour guide?”

Chase nodded and approached him for a handshake. “Dr. Chase. You must be Dr. Law. Can you please leave the weapon outside?”

Law gave a grunt of disgust, walking right past Chase. “You know, I think I can find my way just fine without you.” Placing a hand over Chase's shoulder, he gave him a light pat and a gentle push.

Chase gave a tiny laugh. “That's not really how it works around here. Also you're heading the wrong way.”

Law stopped, looked over his shoulder at Chase with a deadpan expression, and turned around. “Lead the way, asshole.”

Chase began to walk in the same direction. “You won't get very far here with an attitude like that.”

“I already got my paycheck. Like I give a shit what you think about my attitude.” Law strolled behind Chase, his hands in his pockets.

“Doesn’t matter. Arrogant kids who just walk in and act they own the place. They are a dime a dozen, and they only end up hurting those around them.” Chase sneered at him, “You are no different from all the rest.”

Law gave a low whistle and pointed to the seating area on the left. “That the walk-in clinic?”

“Yes.”

“YO!” Law hollered, “I'm Dr. Law. Anyone who needs surgery, I'll have you out of here in ten minutes, no operating tables, no fees.” He pointed back to Chase. “If I screw up, blondie here gets to kick me out. Who's game?"

Chase was horrified, as at least ten hands shot up. Law pointed to a round man in the back.

“Your lucky day, fatso. Get over here!” The man looked unsure, but waddled his way to Law.

Chase stepped in front of him. “Sorry, but Mr. Law is actually a new doctor and won't be taking any patients yet.” Law rudely shoved Chase aside and began to put on a pair of blue latex gloves he'd pulled from his pocket.

“Don't listen to him. What are you here for?” The group behind them all had their eyes on Law, as if he was about to wave a wand and pull a rabbit out of his hat. To the side, Chase was infuriated with the whole act, and was almost ready to punch Law out for being such an enormous ass.

“They said I had appendicitis. So, uh..yeah.” The man said it like he was a game show contestant about to get quizzed.

Law started laughing while he lowered himself to get a better look at the man's midsection. "I usually remove appendixes for free. They charge for that shit here?"
Law made a twisting motion with one hand as a barely visible blue bubble enveloped the room. He couldn't tell if the others saw it, but Law knew it felt different inside his operating room.

"Stand perfectly still, unless you want to die," said Law solemnly as the room went silent. Law shifted position so one hand was held away from the man, and his his other hovered on the man's abdomen.

“SWAP!" Chase must have missed whatever just happened, because Law was now holding a bloody organ in his off hand. He stood up and dangled the appendix in Chase's face while the crowd broke into applause. "Where is the trash around here?"

"No no no," Chase was sweating bullets. "That's not possible. I saw it, you didn't even touch him. You had him planted in the crowd all along didn't you?" Law just continued to smirk at Chase while the man walked away, remarking that his stomach pain was all gone. "This is all just a game for you isn't it? You can't play with people's lives!" Chase was shouting right in his face, but Law's smile only grew. Tossing the appendix behind him, he cracked his knuckles.

"And now, for my next act, I'll take your head. SWAP!" Law snapped his fingers and suddenly Chase was beside Law...looking at his own body...which didn't have a head. The severed head of Chase started to scream in Law's hand while his body made empty grasping motions at it's neck.

Law turned and gave a triumphant bow to the stunned clinic crowd. Chase was still looking at his neck stump, which showed the severed vertebrae, but wasn't bleeding at all. He shouldn't even be alive at this point. He felt completely fine, it was only his viewpoint which had changed. With some difficulty he lurched his body towards Law.

"Uh oh!" Law tossed Chase's head in the air, completely disorienting him. Chase's head landed perfectly back on his own neck, which then reattached to his head. The clinic went wild with applause, many people pointing and cheering with excitement. Law gave a wave, "I'll be here all week folks. Ask for Dr. Law." Grabbing Chase shoulder he pulled him away, "Let's go."

Chase was still clawing at his neck like his throat was slit. "You... My head... How did you... What was that?"

"It's my devil fruit power man. The ope ope no mi?" Chase didn’t understand that sentence at all.

"Yeah I realized pretty quick you guys haven't seen a devil fruit user in a while. Must not grow around here..."

“Was that real? What you did. No. It wasn’t possible! What was it?!"

Law couldn't tell if Chase was talking to him or to himself, "It's all about perspective. Yours is just too narrow. Want me to widen it some more?"

Chase stated at him wide eyed, and then quickly ran in the opposite direction, "HELP!"

Law casually ran after him, "What did I say?!"

--------------------

Finding patterns on the ceiling was harder then House thought, so he had resorted to making paper airplanes from the printer paper. Watching a particularity glorious flight, he spotted a unusual figure outside his office. She wore a full-body black motorcycle suit with a yellow cat-eared helmet. As if in response to his gaze, she turned and pointed directly at House. A Japanese doctor with short brown hair in front of her that House didn't recognize nodded and walked inside House's office.

“Hello, is this Dr. House's office? Is that you?”

“No. I just happen to using his office as my personal aircraft carrier.” He flicked another paper airplane towards the door but it took a nose dive to the floor.

“Ah! So sorry to bother you.” With a apologetic bow, the doctor closed the door.

House gave a face palm, “Read the door!” he shouted.

The doctor reopened the door, “Sorry I'm a little rusty at written English. So you are Dr. House?”

“You caught me. You must be either very lost or Shinra Kishitani.” House was hoping for lost.

Shinra scratched his head bashfully, “Both actually. Glad I finally found you!” Shinra and the woman in the motorcycle helmet entered the office. She leaned on her hip, looking around while Shinra quickly took a seat.

“Are you going to introduce me to your lady friend?” House gave a lewd wink in her direction.

“Oh! Sorry, this..” Shinra looked over to her and was about to stand up, but she waved him back. Approaching House's desk she whipped out her phone and typed a quick message. Holding it out to House it read: Celty Sturluson. Good to meet you Dr. House._

House leaned back in his chair while Celty took a seat by Shinra. “The silent dominatrix. You two must be into some kinky stuff.”

Shinra blushed and looked down while Celty stared straight at House, or at least he thought she was. He couldn’t see anything through her visor.

“Actually we just got engaged recently!” Shinra said excitedly. Celty took the opportunity to reach across the table and give him a hug, a sickening display of affection that made House gag with disgust. Celty immediately gave House what he assumed was another stern look, though it felt much less menacing when he couldn't see her face.

“I'm guessing you didn't come all this way snuggle in my office? Just a hunch.”

“Ah! Yes, sorry...” Shinra dug a folded piece of paper out of his lab coat pocket, proudly handing it to House. “My resume. Sorry, I didn't have your email, otherwise I would have sent it before I left. Sorry.”

Ignoring his apologizes, House scanned the single page document.

“Why get a medical license only to drop it the next day?” House started to fold up the resume.

Shinra looked away, “It was my father who wanted me to work in the states, but we didn't really get along well. He had different ideas about what I should do with my degree.”

“And your idea was to work for an underground gang? Maybe daddy was right this time...”

“It's difficult to explain. My father is difficult to explain! I did what I had to to make life work for me and Celty.” Shinra looked over to her, “And I think I made the right choice. I know it's not ideal but we get by.”

“Yeah yeah I get it. Life is hard, parents are mean, and now its all better because you have each other. Cut the crap and tell me why you're here.” He threw the paper airplane of Shinra's resume out the window. “If I want more of your thrilling life story, I'll just watch a soap opera.”

“Oh sorry. I'm here on the request of..”

House slammed down his cane. “No, why YOU in particular, instead of some other mob boss's physician? What makes you qualified to conduct Mr. Heinlein's spiritual treatment? Can you even see dead people?”

“Yes, I see them all the time when I arrive too late.” Shinra spread his idiotic grin, until he realized House wasn’t laughing. “Sorry, I don't know really. I've had a few cases that involved supernatural phenomenon, but I don't think it makes me a expert.”

“Well it certainly makes you less qualified then the doctors around here.” House flicked off the lights with his cane and rolled down the blinds. “Tell me some of your ghost stories.” House said with a mocking spooky voice. “Come on, I need a good laugh.”

“Uh well... I know a man who can use his full strength on command. His physiology is really quite interesting! I've seen a demonic sword that can posses people it cuts. I never saw the effects first hand though...” Shinra looked over to Celty, “And I participated in the examination of a mythical creature, but I was just a young boy then. That's all. I'm hardly experienced with the supernatural. Skeptical of it even. Most of the rumors that go around aren’t based in fact, and the few that are, always have a scientific explanation.”

“Well you're no fun! Why would mister moneybags want a boring doctor like you if that’s all you can say for yourself?”

“Sorry, but its true. Living in close proximity to fire doesn’t make you a firefighter. Frankly, I doubt Mr. Heinlein's claims to spiritual possession just as much as any other doctor here. I believe in the paranormal, but only if there is clear proof and a scientific basis.”

“Then you're still an moron. When you give even a hint of trust to these people, you're just wasting your time. Ghosts don't exist. Know how I know? Because otherwise mine would never let me sleep.” House got out off his chair and walked around to the front of his desk. “The sooner we all get this over with, the sooner I can get back to my patients. Maybe you can go dig a bullet out of a hobo or something.”

“Still, I'm not going to turn away my client without hearing his case,” Shinra said adamantly. “The impossible can happen, however rare the chance, and I won't leave now just because of common sense. If I had done that when I was young, I would be just another doctor here. Now I'm somebody special.”

“No, now you're just another deluded idiot who thinks that just because you 'believe', it makes you different. You're ignorant for believing in a load of superstition.”

Celty got up and walked to House, typing out a message on her phone. Black fumes pumped angrily out of her helmet, filling the room. Shinra nervously stood up but then remained still, as Celty turned her phone to House: He believes in me. And so should you._

She pulled off her helmet, releasing a gaseous cloud, and revealing no beautiful face, but only a neck stump that was exuding the black smoke. As the smoke spread, so did the shadows in the room, growing longer, and crawling across the floor. House could feel them like ice cold tendrils, as the shadows grasped his limbs and pinned him to the desk. Helpless, he watched as a giant scythe materialized in Celty's outstretched hand. The room only got darker as the headless rider raised the curved blade menacingly above House's head, and Shinra steeped forward.

“Celty that's enough. I think he gets the message.” She reluctantly lowered her scythe and the writhing shadows blew away. House gasped for air like he had been held underwater, as Shinra flipped the light back on. Celty placed her helmet back on and Shinra returned to House.

“I recommend you keep an open mind about this case. Things many not be as they appear.”

He walked to exit while Celty picked up House's cane from the floor. Snapping it apart with ease, she tossed the pieces towards House as he wordlessly slumped off his desk.

Shinra was aggravated, “Ok now that was just unnecessary Celty.”

She held out the phone again: Shizuo told me breaking things is good for calming down._

“Oh...” said Shinra, and the two left the office.

Resting on the ground with a broken cane at his feet, House closed his eyes, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

Chapter Text

Camron walked back to the office reading a large bound volume. Eirin followed behind her, pointing out lines of text. Camron was still intently reading when she walked into the office, ignored House, and took her seat.

Forman came back next, chatting happily with Marie while Stein grumbled occasionally. Closing the door behind him, Forman looked at House and Camron, but neither said anything, so he just took a seat.

Chase ran to the office door, flinging himself inside as quickly as possible, and closing the door. Law skipped by the office a few seconds after, yelling Chase's name. Chase peaked outside the window to make sure Law had left, and cautiously took a seat next to Forman.

“What was that about?” he questioned Chase.

“I've got a ravening lunatic chasing after my head.”

House let out a yawn and stretched his elbow above his head. “Sounds like someone had an exciting morning.”

“Exciting is one thing, but running for your life is another.” Chase sounded about ready to collapse.

“Good to see you're still alive.” said Cameron, not glancing up from her book.

“Good to see you're still...” House lifted himself into a sitting position, “What are you still doing?”

Camron carefully turned another page, “Call it, studying for the future.”

Forman looked at the book's binding, “What language is that in?”

“Lunarian apparently. I learned it by taking a pill.”

“Another innocent seduced by the wizards.” Cameron was silent as House lifted himself back onto his desk. “So, how is everybody else doing?”

“The one you assigned me, Stein?” Responded Forman, “He was actually very skilled. I assisted him on a liver transplant surgery, and even when graft rejection occurred, he only worked faster. I've never seen sutures done that clean or quick.”

“Yeah, well the one I got cut off my head.” Said Chase feverishly, as House and Forman shot him worried expressions. “I'm not kidding! It was like an out-of-body experience.” Chases wild hand gestures were not helping his case.

“One for the fan club and another for the loony bin.” House swung around to get back into his chair.

"Were do you fall in then? Looks like you were taking a dirt nap when we got here."

"I was physically assaulted by a headless grim reaper who used my cane for stress relief."

Chase slammed down his hand in agreement, "See? That is why we need to get these psychopaths out of here. They are a menace to the entire hospital!"

Forman looked towards House, "Are you joking?"

"Of course I was joking!" He threw up his hands on defeat, "My god, I'm surrounded by gullible idiots! Cameron, talk some sense into these primitive monkeys with your book smarts."

Cameron tabbed her page and closed the book, "He's right..."
"Thank you."
"...we need to focus on learning magic ourselves."

Chase looked mortified, Forman covered his face in embarrassment, "Wow..." and House laughed so hard, tears started to roll down his cheeks. Cameron broke a smile herself and walked to House's desk. House wiped his face, and slowly settled down.
“Are you finished?” She asked.

“Of course not!” He said with disgust, and worked up another storm of laughter.

Cameron reached across his desk, “Give me your hand.”

House decided to indulge her, “Will the palm reading cost me?” He extended his arm to Cameron.

“This one will be free.” Opening her book on the desk, she grabbed House's wrist, pulling his hand under her. Feeling his palm while flipping through pages, the book opened to a circular diagram and some pictorial symbols. “Hmmm. I see immense pain in your very near future.”

The way she said it made House a little wary, but he didn't have time to pull away before Cameron swiftly snatched a pen from the cup holder, and drove it straight into House's open palm. Blood came spilling out as he tried to claw Camron's hand off his wrist.

“Get OFF!” House shouted while Chase and Forman were paralyzed with terror, as if they witnessed a murder. Firmly pinning his wrist down with her elbow, Cameron ripped out the bloody pen, tearing the hole in House's hand. He screamed in pain as she quickly drew out a diagram from her book beneath his hand. As she muttered an incantation, a green glow spread across the desk, soaking up all the blood. House's hand was completely healed in a matter of seconds, and soon there was no evidence that the incident had occurred at all.

For the second time this day, House was at his wit' end. “What was that?” His hand still stung a little but the wound had vanished.

“That was real magic.” Cameron raised the book like it was the ten commandments.

“You are insane!” said Forman with conviction, “Magic is fake and you just committed assault!”

Cameron pointed to House, “What does our audience participant say? Was it real?”

House was still looking at his hand, a million possibilities running though his head, but none fit. He had actually felt the pain, and it had been his blood on the table. “How did you do it? If it really is magic, don't you have to go off to Hogwarts now?”

“Do you seriously believe that?!” Forman was angry and panicking.

“No, it's a good question,” Cameron smiled and opened the book, “This is a book of healing magic, and if you can read the language, some spells are surprising easy to preform. The one I used on you hand was a very weak one.”

“Spells?” Forman threw up his hands, “Are we in preschool now? House, tell her it was a trick!”

House put his hands together in contemplation, “How did it work? Can you explain it?”

“It doesn’t matter how it works, we need to be more worried about keeping out jobs. All of us! If people learn about this, not just modern medicine, but all scientific progress of the last twenty centuries? Flushed down the toilet! We are playing with fire here,” She pointed out the window, “and these doctors are the only ones who know how to use it.”

“Listen to what you're saying,” Chase was in hysterics, “IT IS FAKE!”

House stood up with authority, though though the motion was diminished by his lack of a cane. “I felt it, and until I have proof that it's fake, we need to listen to Cameron.” He tone was dead serious, “What's your idea?”

Cameron gave a victorious smile, “Take them to the patient, work with them, not against them, find out whose abilities are real, and make sure they never practice in regular society ever again. If that fails, hire them and make sure they only practice here.”

“Please tell me this is all a joke.” Pleaded Forman, “You can't just toss away everything we know to be true because you felt some pain. It doesn’t matter if that was real, you have got to tell them magic is fake.”

“No shes right, calling them phonies only makes them more resilient, more likely try and prove otherwise. We've all already seen them do that. As for Mr. Heinlein? He's defiantly faking it, but apparently hired more then a few overqualified doctors.” House hobbled around his desk, his smile returning. It was a new type of game, one played with cards nobody even believed in anymore. He welcomed the challenge, and limped out the door. Chases sunk his head in his folded arms.

Forman slid down the wall in despair. “This is going to be the end of us.”

Cameron turned another page in the book, “It's going to be a whole new beginning.”