Chapter Text
As she gazes up at the bell tower, the landmark of their university - Lumine finds that she has never felt more lost.
Two semesters ago, the path had been so clear. Get into a decent university, study hard to graduate with a meaningful degree, and make her brother proud. The first step was accomplished: now she spends nearly every waking moment with her nose buried in a book to fulfill the second because none of her previous efforts would matter if she couldn’t completely graduate -- if she couldn’t make enough money, if she couldn’t successfully make Aether proud.
But it wasn’t until halfway through that things began to look blurry. Now, as the bell tolls thrice, Lumine begins to wonder if everything -- her efforts, work, and research -- was even worth it. As a student attending a liberal arts university overseas, her studies are sure to be interesting, with courses spanning anywhere from physiology to quantum theory and mechanics. She has no problem immersing herself in academia, given she takes an actual liking to the topics, but there is always some shadow of a doubt creeping in the depths of her heart. Sometimes it takes the form of overheard dialogue between her peers in a classroom; other times, it’s none other than her dearest brother.
Aether, despite having his own hands full with work, often calls to check in with her. Being the doting and overly protective older brother he was, he’s always had qualms about her studying abroad - and his worries are reasonable. She’s going to a foreign country to mingle with foreign people, to study their foreign curriculum. But it’s been a year since she’d settled down, and Lumine feels that his worrying has become excessive to the point that she can’t help but roll her eyes every time he inadvertently digresses to gently nag her, even if he had initially called with other intentions.
Recently, he called to confirm the date of her flight back home so he could make preparations to pick her up from the airport. Noting the odd scheduling of her final exams, Lumine explained that she wouldn’t be returning until the day before Christmas - a notion that led Aether on a sappy tangent of sympathy for his hard-working, outstanding sister. While he meant to praise her, Aether’s words led Lumine down an emotional spiral -- an indirect, almost counter-intuitive trigger to the avalanche of locked-away anxieties built up over the semester.
Compared to the likes of her peers, Lumine could hardly be called “outstanding.” At such a prestigious but rigorous university, those looking to make it into a well-paying profession must not only have found their direction but have made leaps and bounds on their pathway prior to entering the campus. This is standard for students going to either industry or research; their time is then spent on expanding their network of human connections and finding internships to bolster their resume, all for a chance to be employed by Boogle by the time of their graduation. Those students will inevitably make their families proud, being employed right out of the gate; Lumine could only dream of being that person, of being able to see that look of pride and joy on Aether’s face.
But the truth is - she hasn’t even begun . In a school of fish swimming streamline, Lumine is a fraud of a fish, panickedly flailing as she learns how to swim. From beginning to end, she is a lost, directionless wanderer who doesn’t even know how she managed to get here. All she wants is to be able to lift her own weight and support her brother in the way he supported her; all she wants is to be able to return those favors and take care of him as he took care of her. Presently, Lumine could only dread to see Aether’s disappointment - or worse, the way he’d try to mask it in his attempts at comforting her, as he always does. “Don’t try to force yourself to follow the current; everyone leads different lives at different paces,” he’ll most likely say -- words that Lumine has heard nearly a thousand times but has never actually reassured her. What should she do then? Go against the current to her detriment, and be inevitably swept away? Stop and stay stationary to ponder while everyone swims ahead, and wallow in her self-inflicted miseries?
Those thoughts plagued Lumine all throughout her review week, and it was becoming increasingly uncertain if this was finals week or her final week. That and her chronic stress have completely uprooted her sleep schedule, significantly diminishing her efficiency at getting anything done, reconfirming her perceived sense of uselessness and further contributing to her already raging imposter syndrome.
Lumine sighs as she downs the last bit of her coffee before tearing off the front answer page of yet another practice exam. Even if her future is bleak and all that awaits her is the dark, she will not go gentle into that quiet night.
---
If there was anything to be grateful for, it must be the way the university seemingly purges loneliness by creating a collectively stressful environment for undergrads, graduates, and professors alike. As alienated Lumine sometimes feels - a feeling natural for a student coming from abroad - she will never feel alone in a room alongside four hundred other students, all anxiously waiting as the proctors passed out the exams. That, and the sense of impending doom that comes with the understanding that almost everyone will fail this exam, brings her a strange sense of comfort; no longer out of place, no longer excluded from the majority.
But no amount of self-study and self-reassurance could prepare her for the atrocities on that exam. It went exactly as follows: Lumine opened the exam, took one look at the funny configurations of symbols and equations, exhaled a breath of resignation, and closed the exam with a rueful smile. If she had known that all of her studying would be all for naught, she wouldn’t have even tried. But she had hope, and that was the problem.
Regardless, Lumine walked out of that abhorrent exam hall - an hour early, she might boast, but not because she finished the exam - feeling relieved that this biannual hell was finally over. Watching her friends leave early for the holidays while she still had exams to finish made her sick with envy; by Thursday evening she had completely given up on cramming, wanting nothing more than to pack her bags and depart for home already (not that cramming would’ve helped her case, anyway). Reunions had already begun everywhere throughout her hometown and Lumine didn’t want to miss out; otherwise, she would’ve really started to feel lonely.
A wistful sigh escapes her. When has she not felt lonely and out of place, though?
The rain comes down heavy the following day, incessant and unyielding even into the hours of the night. Lumine had no choice but to brave the downpour with her bags and suitcases in hand, narrowly catching up to a departing train headed for the airport. Despite being an hour-long ride, it still proved to be a better option than being stuck in traffic for even longer; Lumine couldn’t imagine being part of the miles of unmoving red tail lights lining the freeways as the train passed them by.
But getting to the airport was the first challenge; getting through the long airport security lines and hoping that the plane actually departs was another. The longer she stood waiting, the more despondent she became, idly swiping through her social media and catching a glimpse of the celebrations happening back home from pictures and videos shared by her circle.
I just want to go home.
Thankfully, Lumine does make it to her plane, and her plane does end up leaving the terminal, albeit a few hours behind schedule. Everything that happened in the air, however, remains unknown, as the ten-hour flight home was reduced to an experience of a few minutes for the exhausted student, who passed out as soon as her head hit the headrest. She managed to slumber through all of the turbulence that came with flying through winter storms and was not awakened until the kind passenger to her side aroused her from her sleep. Groggily, she weaves through the crowds of travelers to retrieve her suitcases from the luggage claim, before finally heading down to the lobby to meet with Aether.
When Lumine arrived at their designated meeting spot, Aether had already been waiting for her. Upon seeing him, she immediately felt as if all of the weariness in her body had evaporated, and she was reinvigorated with the strength to even launch herself into her brother’s arms.
“You’re late,” Aether receives her with a boisterous laugh. “Our party’s about to start!”
“Party? What party?” Lumine asked in dismay. “I don’t think I can do a party in this state…”
“Well, you’ll have to, because we’re hosting Christmas this year,” her brother responded. “And everyone’s already waiting for you!”