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“Hen, I have a problem” Buck said, marching across the firehouse loft and collapsing dramatically on the sofa. He pushed his head into her lap where she sat previously peacefully reading.
“Of course you do” she stated, looking up from her book and raising an eyebrow down at him pointedly.
“Nope. Don’t wanna know. Blah, blah, blah I’m not listening” Chim announced as he got up from his chair across from Hen. He pushed his hands over his ears and launched himself away from the conversation and ran across the loft.
“Okay, rude!” Buck yelled after him as Chim disappeared down the stairs. “What’s his problem?”
Hen sighed and slowly shook her head.
“He can’t keep secrets and he thinks you’re an idiot. So he’s doing this for your own good”
Buck furrowed his eyebrows. “Okay, can we go back to that second one a minute? I’m-“
“Buck” Hen glared down at him as he squirmed in her lap. “That bell could go off any second and I’m trying to finish this book today for Karen’s book club. So if you could just get to the point?”
“Book club? I could be a book club guy! Send me the Amazon link and I’ll-“
“Buck ”
“Right right, sorry” he said and manoeuvred himself to sit up straight (lol) beside her. Hen placed her book on her lap and turned to face him.
“What’s bothering you?” She prompted, and then at the dejected and faraway look on his face said more gently: “Buck? Whatever it is I’m here to listen. Or I can go and find Eddie if-“
“No” he said hastily and her mouth snapped shut. “I want your intake specifically”
“Okay. I can do that…or at least I’ll do my best. Hit me with it”
“Okay” he said, smiling weakly and nodding. “Great, thank you. So the thing is yeah, I liked being with Tommy, really I did. He was a uh…okay boyfriend all things considered. Yeah sometimes he was a bit condescending, and the whole Evan thing made me wanna die a bit inside, but he was mostly sweet and yanno…patient. And I- what?” He stopped, staring at Hen.
Hen’s face, with her mouth screwed up at one side and her eyebrows narrowed, painted a real picture. She shook her head.
“Nothing”
“O…kay, we’ll come back to that” buck shook his head. “Anyway, this isn’t about him. Not really. I mean…well I guess it kind of is, but in all actuality-”
“ Buck ”
“Sorry sorry, I just, I don’t know! I’ve been thinking and something about it all didn’t feel right. Like I expected my first relationship with a man to feel different in hindsight”
Hen tilted her head, moving her book to one side and fully turning her body so she completely faced him.
“How so?” Hen raised an eyebrow.
“I wanted it to feel…” he sighed and ran a hand through his curly hair as he screwed his face up in frustration. “Like I guess a friendship…with a guy…but with more… stuff ”
Hen frowned.
“Stuff like sex?” she asked, mildly scandalised at the thought of where this conversation was taking place.
Buck nodded but then stopped mid nod and tilted his head. “Well yeah, but also…no. I don’t know”
“Like a friends with benefits kind of thing?” Chimney asked, appearing back in the eyeline and plopping back into his chair in front of them with a bag of popcorn.
“No not really. Wait a minute, I thought you didn’t want to know?” Buck said, glancing over his shoulder at where Chim had dashed from the scene towards the stairs before Buck had even really hit the sofa.
Chimney shrugged, eating a mouth of popcorn and saying with his mouth full:
“I got too curious thinking about it. Bobby’s on the phone and Eddie’s been in the shower ages” he shrugged and continued to munch on his popcorn for a second before he added: “So wait, not a friends with benefits thing?”
Buck shook his head, certain about at least that .
“No. Like a close friendship just with more stuff. Sex yeah, but also like romantic stuff, yanno…dates and going home to each other and uh…kissing, that sort of thing. Stuff"
“Stuff” Chimney echoed with a reassuring nod.
“Stuff…” Hen said with a tilt of her head as her mind began to wonder.
“Stuff!” Buck exclaimed, “exactly!”
As something seemed to click in Hen’s head, the sound of Eddie whistling downstairs on his way from the shower to the locker room coincidentally aligned with this. She glanced at her best friend with widened eyes, hoping they were on the same wavelength. Chim however, continued to eat his popcorn, unaware of the mini mental crisis Hen was waving on Buck’s behalf.
“I guess before me and Maddie started dating we were friends, but then like you said Buck, it was kinda like we were dating all along” he shrugged, smiling at himself and continuing to eat his popcorn.
Buck hummed, yet by his confused expression, this wasn’t necessarily in agreement.
“Did you uh…have a specific close friendship in mind that brought you to this thought process?” Hen asked carefully, glancing at Chimney again with wide eyes, who continued to eat his popcorn ever so casually. Hen wanted to scream at him.
“Well yeah” Buck said, scratching the back of his head. “Like I have with Eddie! Just with more sex and romance and stuff”
Hen’s mouth gaped and she raised her eyebrows. Across from her Chimney finally stopped chewing his popcorn and started to choke. His face went red as Hen and Buck jumped into action, he shook his hands at them.
“I’m good! I’m good” he coughed and spluttered, shaking his head.
Hen stared at Buck again then, when they were both settled back on the couch, he frowned.
“What?” he said.
“What?! ” Hen and Chimney exclaimed in unison.
“What?!” Buck repeated, looking concerned, looking back and forth at them both like a lost puppy.
“Buck did you hear what you just said or do we need to repeat it back to you?” She said as Chimney gratefully accepted a bottle of water from another passing 118 firefighter, taking a big swig.
“Yeah? This is why I couldn’t go to Eddie because he’s not attracted to guys, he doesn’t get it”
“Well neither am I?” Hen protested.
“Same difference though right? Your marriage with Karen seems like an advanced special friendship with love and stuff” he glanced at Chimney. “No offence Chim but I wasn’t expecting you to be here for this conversation”
“Neither was I” he said and glanced at Hen with wide eyes.
“You want your relationships with men to be like your friendship with Eddie…but advanced?” Hen questioned, trying to keep her voice neutral.
Buck nodded with a smile, extending his hand to her as if she’d finally got it. “Exactly”
“I’m out” Chimney said shaking his head. “Nope, nope, nope” he went to get up again and Hen grabbed his shirt and pulled him back down.
“Oh no you don’t! I need moral support on this in case he flees”
Chimney groaned.
“In case who flees?” Buck said, glancing around them.
“Buck” Hen began steadily. “Now that you’re bi and everything, have you uh…reconsidered your friendship with Eddie at all?”
Buck frowned. “I think I’ve always been bi Hen, it’s not a now and then thing”
“You’re completely right, sorry. But you’re also focusing on the wrong thing”
“Have I re-what ? No, Eddie’s an ally! He was super supportive when I told him about Tommy”
“I bet” Chimney said under his breath with a smirk, Hen glared at him.
“I mean now that you’re aware you’re attracted to men…have you reframed your relationship with Eddie at all? Rethought through the way you acted, things you’ve said, moments that have uh…happened?”
Buck thought about this for a moment. He didn’t say anything as Hen continued to look at him.
“And then maybe you can think about your expectations for a relationship with a man” she said gently, patting his arm.
“That you want it to look like what you have with Eddie” Chimney added with a gentle smile.
Hen smiled warmly at her best friend, she was so proud of him.
So Buck thought. He thought whilst Hen and Chimney continued to stare at him. He thought whilst the bell rang and they all got into the engine. Thought whilst Eddie laughed at something Bobby teased Chimney over, his still wet hair dripping down his neck below his collar. Thought on their call when he should’ve been concentrating on the fastest way to put out the car that was on fire downtown.
He thought through the rest of the shift. Thought when he was alone later that night through reruns of Hell’s Kitchen (only because Eddie had a virtual parent/teacher conference with Chris). Thought through a shower, through brushing his teeth and right up to when he got into bed.
He thought through every aspect of his friendship with Eddie.
From how frustrated he felt when Eddie joined the 118 and then them diffusing that bomb together. To the tsunami, growing close with Chris, the truck explosion, the well, the shooting, the lightning strike…the will change.
Important conversations, moments in time when they had turned to each other. Buck talking to Chris with the belief that Eddie could realistically be dead. Eddie being in floods of tears when Buck woke up from his coma, spending so much time with Eddie and Chris afterwords.
The way Maddie had phrased his fascination with Eddie as a “boy crush”. How Eddie had reacted when Abby turned up at the train crash. Eddie’s reaction to Buck and Tommy going on a date…fuck, even Buck’s reaction to Eddie and Tommy being friends.
And since Buck had realised he found men attractive too, it was like a lot of these moments, and especially his own involvement in them…were different. Just like Hen had suggested.
Jesus Christ.
Buck blinked at the ceiling. He fished around for his phone that at some point had gotten lost in his pillows.
He didn’t even think when he tapped call on the contact and rose the phone to his ear.
“Hey man” Eddie said, he sounded tired but not like he’d just woken up or anything. “What’s up?”
Buck breathed shakily, closing his eyes at the sound of Eddie’s voice. Hearing his voice was enough to make this whole thing that much more real.
“Buck?” Eddie said, a note of concern bleeding into his steady tone. “Are you okay?”
“Eddie” he said and he sounded crushed, winded even. And honestly yeah that checked out because he felt like a lot of the air in his chest had been crushed out of him.
“ Buck ” Eddie repeated, the shifting of fabric as he moved, his tone more urgent. “Do you need me to come over?”
“No no, everything’s fine!” He squeaked and rolled his eyes at himself. “I uh, how are you?” He tried, cringing at himself.
“I’m coming over. Stay where you are” and the call disconnected.
Buck groaned and dropped the phone on the pillow next to him, reaching his hands up to press over his face.
What was he supposed to say in a situation like this?
Hey Bestie! I know we’ve been kind of inseparable since day one, but turns out I probably had non platonic feelings for you all along! Surprise!
Eddie! My main man! Yup. My…main…man.
Fancy seeing you in my own apartment Eddie! Remember when I was jealous of you spending all that time with a random ass stranger that I barely knew? Yeah stupid me huh, I think I was jealous of him spending time with you actually! Lol imagine that! I dated him for 6 months but he sure wasn’t you! Also I probably love you, let’s you raise your son together!
Buck turned face down into his pillow and groaned. None of them worked, not if he was going to be sensible about this and make things work without making them worse.
He thought about texting Hen and asking her what to do, or Maddie but Chimney had already probably told her and she’d left Buck to figure it out for himself. He even hysterically thought texting Bobby at 1:45 am to tell him he was in love with the partner Bobby himself had paired him up with.
Maybe Buck should burn his phone.
And then he heard Eddie’s key in the lock, Buck quickly grabbed for his duvet and burrowed himself completely under it. Well, with a small gap for oxygen of course. Despite what Chimney thought, he wasn’t totally stupid.
“Buck?” Eddie called, rushing into into the loft and kicking the door shut behind him. “Where are you?”
Buck made an affirming noise and then Eddie’s footsteps were on the stairs, getting closer.
Buck briefly had the passing thought of dashing into the bathroom and locking the door, but as Eddie got closer it was probably a bit late for that. Plus they were firefighters, Eddie could easily break it down for gods sake. Maybe Chimney was right and he was a total idiot.
“Buck!” Eddie said running across the floor of his bedroom and launching himself at where Buck had turned himself into a duvet burrito. As Buck hummed again, Eddie reached a hand out, somehow finding Buck’s ankle through the fabric.
“Buck?” He said more softly, swiping his thumb over the bone.
Oh god Buck was going to die.
“ Hey Eddie”
“Why are you under a blanket?”
“Umm”
“Buck” Eddie said around a sigh. Buck felt his weight slowly sit firmer on the bed and Buck scrunched up his eyes tight.
“Please just at least tell me you’re okay” Eddie said, his voice quiet and smooth like honey, syllables deliberate and thought out.
Buck felt suddenly light, like a soft light had been lit in his chest and it was filing his chest with warmth.
“Yeah Eddie, I’m okay” he murmured, unable to hide the smile in his voice.
Except I love you and I don’t know what to do about it.
“Okay. So why are you hiding from me?”
With a slow inhale, and a brief mental pep talk, Buck slowly lowered the duvet and let himself gradually look at Eddie.
His hear caught in his chest.
Because there he was, sitting at the end of Buck’s bed, there for a crisis Buck was having that he didn’t even know about yet. Like he always was.
And really, like Buck always was for him too.
God, they’d always been like this, hadn’t they?
And Eddie…well Eddie glowed.
The busy nightlife of LA: the constant flow of traffic, the lights in the windows, the heavy amber of the streetlights. All of which cast a golden edge around Eddie, framing him in glowing light. Like some sort of saint which was ironic really, all things considered.
His eyes, warm brown, were raised in concern and focused on Buck. His hair was messy and fluffy like he had just got out of bed and Buck wanted to put his hands in it. He wore a baggy t-shirt and grey sweatpants, his shirt so big it dipped and Buck could see his collarbones.
Was it…hot in here all of a sudden?
Buck didn’t realise he was staring until Eddie said his name again. He blinked and looked up at him.
“Will you tell me what’s wrong now? Has something happened?”
Buck blinked and swallowed against the dry feeling in his throat. And Eddie was looking at him, like really looking at him. His hand pressed between them, hesitant, like he wanted to get closer to Buck. And if Buck wasn’t crazy, it was like Eddie was looking at him in a specific way too.
Buck broke his line of sight and stared at the duvet that he still wore over him. He shrugged it off and spread his fingers over his leg for something to do.
“It’s really nothing serious, I’m fine”
Eddie’s hand that was still pressed between them, tensed slightly. Buck stared at it.
Eddie twisted his head, his jawline shadowed and insane and looked up at the high ceiling.
“Is it about him?” He asked, almost acidicly and Buck blinked in surprise, eyebrows lifting to his hairline.
“No. Well…not directly I guess”
Buck sighed as Eddie glared at him exasperatedly from across his own bed. How did he get in these situations honestly?
“If I tell you, you have to promise that you won’t freak out and shut me out for days on end”
Eddie blinked and raised his eyebrows. Buck stared pleadingly at him and Eddie slowly nodded.
“Okay”
Buck sighed.
“I’ve been doing some thinking about why my last relationship with uh… him didn’t feel how I expected it to…and I think it was because I…wanted my first relationship with a man to be a lot like a friendship. A specific friendship…with you”
“Oh” Eddie said, inhaling swiftly.
“Just with more stuff”
“More…stuff?”
“Yeah” Buck nodded.
“What do you mean stuff?”
“Jesus Christ Eddie, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here” he rolled his eyes and then continued: “Um…like sex and uh dates and stuff I guess. Yanno, relationship stuff”
Eddie closed his eyes and Buck shuffled closer. The silence grew between them and Buck tried to steady his own breathing.
“Please say something”
“You thought that your first relationship with a man would feel like you friendship with me, but with the added extras that come with being in a relationship” Eddie summarised slowly, opening his eyes and looking at Buck from below his lashes.
Buck nodded slowly.
Eddie exhaled steadily and nodded to himself.
“Okay. Now forgive me if I’m wrong here Buck, and I might be reading between the lines or over analysing here but…are you saying that’s what you want?”
“I think so” he said barely above a whisper, staring down at Eddie’s hand again. “Eddie I-“
“You think so? ”
“Hen said I should relook at our friendship after I told her about my uh…previous expectations. Relook at it from the perspective of me now knowing I’m attracted to guys and…well. Yeah Eddie, I think that’s what I’ve always wanted. Even subconsciously”
“Okay. Good”
“ Good ?”
“You remember when I saw that priest recently?” He suddenly said, out of the blue.
“Yeah?” Buck prompted, surprised.
“He told me to experience joy and I realised that I have felt the most joy in my whole life when I’m with you. It feels different. And so um, ditto I guess”
Buck whipped his head around and Eddie smiled.
“You’re Christopher’s other dad, you’re my partner in all senses of the word at this point and…you make me feel safe” Eddie flushed and Buck thought his heart was going to jump right out of his chest.
“Look, I don’t know what this all means but…I think we might be on the same page about this”
“This” Buck murmured, sitting up closer to Eddie. “With the stuff?”
Eddie laughed breathlessly. “Yeah. This with the stuff”
Buck’s eyes fluttered close as Eddie reached across and cupped his jaw. Smoothing his thumb back and forth across his cheek.
“Is it um…would it be okay if I kissed you now? Or do you need more time to process this?”
Buck huffed out a laugh. “Me? You’re the one who’s supposedly straight and now wants to kiss his very male best friend. I was just missing the finer details”
“Well I’m obviously not straight if I want to kiss you. But you’re still not saying I can kiss you”
Buck opened his eyes then and searched Eddie’s looking for any doubt or uncertainty. But his dark eyes were clear and focused, expression relaxed and hopeful.
He reached forward and cupped Eddie’s other shoulder, bringing him closer. Then he closed his eyes again and said:
“Yeah, you can kiss me”
And Eddie did. And he never really stopped from that point on.