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Eddie had been suspecting it for a while.
But whenever he wanted to question it, something else always came up and he forgot he ever wanted to ask.
It was when they were in Buck’s loft one Saturday night, him leaning on the dining table sipping his beer while Buck was in the kitchen, punching a lump of dough with a vengeance as if it had done him dirty, that he noticed something. Buck’s recent penchant for baking meant his kitchen was filled with assortments of baking apparatus. He knew what a beat-up baking tool looked like, having seen Abuela’s when he came to visit her, and Buck’s all looked shiny and brand new. Also, judging from the number of loaves and desserts he and the rest of the 118 had been getting, Buck’s grocery list must have doubled, or even tripled, with all the ingredients he had to buy.
He winced and looked away, when he heard the loud smacking sound the poor dough had made when it made contact with the kitchen counter, Man, dough abuse is real, that was when his eyes caught the twinkling lights that were the Los Angeles skyline outside the two-stories high floor-to-ceiling windows. He had been there countless times, even lived there for a while during the pandemic, he was there all the time, and the novelty of it had kind of blurred into the background, but the view that night was beautiful… and must have been hella expensive.
“Buck?” he took another sip.
“Yeah?” Buck answered, too focused on kneading the dough this time around.
“How rich are you?” He wanted to blame it on the beer, but he had only been drinking a bottle, so, yeah, he really was curious, if a bit nosy.
“Eddie! W, what’s that supposed to mean?” Buck looked bewildered, kneading motion stopped at its track.
“Sorry if I’m overstepping here, just curious.”
“What made you ask that, Eds?”
He might have forgotten it before, but moments that had made him suspicious of his best friend’s wealth popped back into his mind after being triggered by the baking tools and the skyline view. Even way back when he had first arrived at the 118 and wondered who owned the shiny dark-grey Rubicon jeep parked beside him must be the captain’s he had thought. Then there was the bombing accident and the subsequent surgeries and blood clotting, God, Eddie shuddered when he imagined the medical bills Buck had to pay, he was no expert but he knew a thing or two about medical bills after having to deal with Christopher’s surgeries and other medical needs, even then he was covered by the military-issued insurances. Then there was the damned lawsuit and how Buck just straight-up refused the settlements offered by the city, his slimy lawyer must still have billed him a crazy amount for the legal counsel fee. Then there was the apartment’s view, the baking gadgets, how he seemed to have unlimited access to everywhere Chris had wanted to go when they were together, the expensive gifts (even the gag ones, remember that fucking Hildy coffee maker?), he could go on for a good while before he is finished. He started with the most recent one.
“This newfound baking obsession of yours… must be expensive.”
“A small price to pay,” Buck’s kneading had gotten more intense, “if it meant it could distract me.”
Eddie wanted to kick himself on the shin, he did not want Buck to relive the moment he got dumped by Eddie’s own ex-friend (yes, ex-, no amount of basketballing or impromptu helicopter rides to Vegas would be worth his best friend’s broken heart).
“Buck, I’m sorry, once again, for what had happened with you and Tommy.”
“It’s okay, after I put some thought to it, it was my fault, I guess, I just, bucked it up like I bucked up everything else in my life. Didn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, tho, so … yeah.” The kneading had slowed down, Buck looked pensive, sadness clear in his eyes, and that self-deprecating half-smirk Eddie hated so much made an appearance.
“That’s ridiculous,” Eddie said, he put the beer down and got off from where he was to make his way to the kitchen counter, arms lifted to put on Buck’s shoulders. “From what I’ve heard from your drunken rendition of his speech when he broke it off with you, it’s ridiculous. The whole thing about he can’t be your last if he was your first or whatever, yeah, no, good riddance.”
“Eddie, he’s your friend.” Eddie could see the crinkles in Buck’s eyes as he tried to hold down what must be a giggle.
“Nope, not anymore, anyone who hurt you ain’t no friend of mine.”
“Eddie… You don’t have t…”
“I’m serious, Buck, you’re worth it that much and more.” He tried to make his voice as stern as possible, hoping his words would finally get through Buck’s insecurities and self-doubt. He assumed that at least some of it had penetrated through when he could see a smile formed on Buck’s lips, he counted that as a win, however small.
“Thanks, Eds.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They fell into a comfortable silence after that, Buck resumed his baking with more ease and Eddie sat back to nurse his beer. It only lasted for a moment though, before Eddie’s curiosity came once again to the surface.
“Then there were those gifts, expensive ones, mind you, that you gave me and Christopher, and the trips to multiple zoos, museums, and…” The mention of Christopher made his stomach knot, maybe pushing this was not so good idea, after all, their lives were too tangled to leave Christopher out of his questions.
“Come on Eds, we’re still doing this?” Buck groaned, trying to stale answering the question by loading the balls of dough into the oven.
Eddie just looked at him expectantly, waiting.
“Both of you are important to me, okay, gifting you two and taking you on those trips made me happy.” Buck said, his small smile making a comeback, “I like spending time with you guys. Besides, it’s not like I have anyone to spend it on anyway.” Aaand it was gone again; he gave himself another kick on his metaphorical shin.
“Buck, you know your presence is enough for us, right?”
“Yeaah, I know.” But his voice sounded too small for Eddie’s liking, “But I like spending on you two anyway.” Buck said, then something seemed to pop into his mind, his face panic-stricken, “Wait, unless you want me to stop, Eds, I wouldn’t want to overstep when it comes to Chris, you set the rules.”
This time Eddie wanted to kick the shins of every single person who had caused Buck to have this much insecurity and apprehension.
“Hey, hey, hey, no, Buck, I didn’t mean it that way, we’re grateful for your gifts, we love it and we love you, Buck, I, I don’t know, I was just wondering, guess it’s none of my business, and I’m being nosy, but, I’ve been wondering, this nice place, new baking gadgets, your gift giving tendency, you must be obscenely richer than you’ve let on.”
He could tell Buck was forming answers in his brain.
“Well, I’m comfortable.”
“That is exactly what a super-rich person would say.”
“Did you just steal that line from the Rich Asians movie?” Buck asked, right brow raised incredulously.
Eddie shrugged, “you started it.”
Buck snorted, but he went on.
“Well, you know my parents…” Did Eddie just make Buck go from talking about Tommy to talking about his parents, both depressing in nature, in the span of just a few minutes? Forget his bruised metaphorical shins, he needed to get sucker punched on the solar plexus, but he let Buck continue.
“My mom came from a wealthy family, or what the kids call old money these days, they’re not the Vanderbilts or anything, but well enough.” Buck fidgeted with the kitchen towel in his hands. “Then she dated and married dad, who himself came from a rich family, but they weren’t as rich as mom’s, it caused a rift in my mom’s family, so they cut her off, her being an only child notwithstanding.”
Now that’s brand-new information.
“I, I, had gained this information from Maddie, no way they’d tell me these themselves.” Buck cleared his throat. “When, when Daniel was first diagnosed…”
Fuuuuu…
“Mom begged her parents, who had grown old and sickly themselves, to help them out. They were comfortable then, with Dad’s job and his inheritance, but cancer was still cancer, and the healthcare here sucks, so yeah, they had agreed to help, but only to help their grandchildren, skipping my mom. So, they set to split their inheritance two ways, for Daniel and Maddie, and then three ways when I was born.”
To say Eddie was shocked would be an understatement. He had realized that Buck was comfortable, but did not expect him to be that much loaded. Buck had never been gaudy or arrogant or anything that might indicate excessive wealth, he even dared say that Buck had lived modestly.
“When Daniel …” Buck cleared his throat, “… died, his fund became mine and Maddie’s.” It was visible that Buck was starting to become uncomfortable, Eddie wondered if it was because they were starting to talk about Daniel or if it was because they were talking about his wealth. Buck sighed.
“Did you know Maddie had wanted to go to med school?” Buck asked, suddenly.
“Huh, I don’t know that.”
“Yeah, after what happened with Daniel, she wanted to become a doctor. But …” his voice had gotten more somber. “But, Doug happened, and he didn’t want to be with Maddie if she’d become a doctor, like him, must be some fucked up misogyny shit happening, he told her to become a nurse instead.” The somber tone had changed into something akin to anger. Buck clenched his fists. “I should’ve been able to save her earlier. I should’ve…”
“Hey, Buck, come on.” Eddie shot up from his seat and went to grab Buck’s hand. He tried to unclench those fingers to no avail. “It wasn’t your fault, okay.”
Buck seemed to sober up, eyes finally focused on something, their linked hands. He coughed.
“Yeah, yeah, umm, sorry, so yeah, that happened. When Maddie gave me my first jeep to go live my own life, the life we were supposed to share, I wasn’t old enough to disburse my fund then, so she gave me some cash for the journey, but when I finally did, I put it into a bunch of investment schemes, y’know, that endless late-night googling did have its benefit. So that’s it, I guess.”
“Wait what do you mean that’s it?”
“That’s it, what else is there to say? I’ve used the dividends for stuff, when needed, though I usually try to live off the salary I got as a firefighter on the daily, y’know, saving up the rest.”
“Woaah, Buck, I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t exactly go around telling people about this, either, although…”
“What is it, Buck?”
Buck chuckled.
“Guess you’re the first person to ever really pay attention to me to notice something.”
Oh, Buck…
Eddie wanted to meet who is in charge, Eddie wanted to demand why, his best friend, the person with the kindest soul, the one with the most love to give, the one with every superlative descriptor Eddie could think of, must endure this fate of unwantedness, so much so that he felt unworthy of the world, while in actuality it was the opposite, the whole damned world was not worthy of Buck. Call him hyperbolic but that was his piece of mind he would like to share with The Maker Himself, if given the chance.
Eddie let go of the now relaxed fingers between his hands to pull Buck into a tight hug.
“Of course I paid attention to you, Buck, I care about you.”
“T, thank you, Eds.” Buck hugged him back, if Eddie had felt something flutter in his chest, then he did not mention it.
They hugged for what felt like a long time before Buck loosened his arms.
“Eds?”
“Hmm-hm?”
“I, I don’t know if I should tell you this.”
“You can tell me anything, Buck.”
“Well, it is the first time I’ve ever talked about this with someone, other than Maddie, of course, but…”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I’ve never talked about this to Maddie, either, I’m afraid it’d be too much for her.”
Oh, Buck, you always put others first, don’t you?
“It’s, okay, Buck, go on.”
“I think I know why my parents wanted nothing to do with me.”
Eddie stilled.
“I, I guess, especially Mom, not only because I failed to save their son.”
“Buck, you’re their son, too.”
“You know what I meant.”
“I do, but I want you to realize that, it’s a dangerous mindset to have, Buck, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Okay …” Buck sounded so small.
Eddie thought it was some sort of progress, as it had been quite some time since that fateful confrontation between him and his parents, that Buck was able to talk about all of these in a relatively intact state. Somber yes, but he did not look like he was going to break down anytime soon. But from what Buck had said all evening, he was afraid that Buck was still in the same mindset as before but he had somehow learned to repress it so what was visible was this gloomy version of him instead of the explosive frustration he had before.
The sound of Buck clearing his throat brought Eddie’s focus back to him
“Well, so, I think, it was also because, they, my mom, felt like all of those begging and groveling she did in front of her parents were pointless because, at the end of the day, Daniel still died.” Buck took a deep breath.
“She had lowered herself in front of her parents, and I know how she hated it when she was looked down upon by anyone, so it must have been hard for her, to do exactly that. And my dad… He told me it was all because mom was grieving and all that, but I felt like his part of the resentment toward me stemmed from his embarrassment that he couldn’t save his own family and that he had to ask for help from the set of people who had hated him enough to disown their own daughter for being with him. I was, and am, the monument of all of their failure and shame.” Buck’s voice had started steady, but as the sentences progressed, he could hear it had become shakier and shakier.
Eddie hated it. Eddie hated everything to do with it. If time travel had existed, Eddie would be the first to jump in it and go back a few decades ago to duel a certain man in Pennsylvania. With literal war experience and some muay-thai to boot, he believed he would emerge victorious. Oh, he would definitely also tell off a certain lady living in a mansion somewhere there. He hated himself for resulting in violent fantasies in his anger, but everything that Buck had told him made his blood bubble past the boiling point. He wanted to punch something. It felt like he would hurt anything or anyone that would hurt Buck.
It wasn’t until he felt frantic hands wrapping his own fisted ones that he came back. He felt like gasping for air, had he been holding his breath before without him realizing it?
“Eddie! Eddie! Hey, Eddie, you’re okay? Oh God, I’m sorry. Forget everything I’ve said, okay?”
Those blue eyes, usually filled with mischief and joy stared back at him in fear, tears beginning to well up threatening to fall down his reddened cheeks any second, Eddie wanted to dab those tears away, to do anything in his power to ensure the only tear he ever shed was the tear of joy. His lips, usually so moist, were trembling, red, and raw from being bitten out of anxiousness, there was nothing Eddie wanted to do then than to stop those lips from trembling. Forgetting what he said? Yeah, like hell he would, I am the monument of all of their failure and shame was burned into his brain forever, he would spend the rest of his life destroying that metaphorical monument apart out of Buck’s mind. So much so that the only thing Buck would think about, the only thing he would be aware of, was how much loved he was.
Oh.
That explained everything. The fierce need to protect him out of harm’s way, the hurt he also felt when Buck was hurt, the joy he felt whenever they joked together, the inexplicable relaxed feeling when they were together, it was love.
He loved Buck.
Of course, he was.
What was there not to love?
He felt his hand rose to cup Buck’s cheek; he leaned closer. He wanted to make do with his intention to stop Buck’s lips from trembling, but he also wanted to give Buck an option, had he not wanted this, he was giving him a chance to retreat, but he did not. He looked for even the slightest sign of rejection shown on Buck’s face, any sighs, or any words, and he would stop this and run in the other direction, but he did not see nor hear anything.
Their forehead touched; their breath ragged.
They were getting closer.
There was no stopping this
And they kissed.
And the oven dinged.
Eddie groaned. This was his punishment for having violent thoughts, he was certain of it. But he felt Buck’s smile on his lips, so his groan turned into a giggle of his own.
“A minute yeah?”
Eddie nodded; a smile plastered on his face. He had been unknowingly waiting all of this time, what’s another minute, right?