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Oh Amy was pissed.
That was Rosa’s first thought as she walked through the door of her girlfriend’s apartment, quietly putting her leather jacket on the back of her couch and picking up a coffee from the table that Amy had clearly bought for her. The two women stayed in silence as Rosa sat down by her and felt her hair wet her shoulder, Amy having clearly taken a shower, “You don’t smell like toilet water anymore” Rosa offered unhelpfully, not really knowing what else to say. Normally, the two women stayed in a comfortable silence or Amy would talk to Rosa about something she was passionate about, which Rosa found incredibly cute, though she would never admit that to anyone. As Amy remained quiet, Rosa sighed, she wasn’t good at opening up, never had been, and she didn’t know what to say to her girlfriend after the day they had.
“You could have died…” Amy said quietly, her visible anger just a front for the genuine fear she had had for Rosa, the thought of Rosa not returning form the shooter, the thought of her dying, was too much for Amy. Rosa felt like shit as she realised the fear that her girlfriend had, the fear that she hadn’t felt like she was able to talk to Rosa about. The realization made her sigh heavily as she nods, confirming Amy’s fears as she said, “I could have”, wanting to genuinely help her girlfriend to acknowledge her fears and with both of them facing them head on, together. “But I didn’t. And I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon…Though something may happen to me Amy, something could happen to you. And that’s something we should talk about”
Both women seemed shocked at Rosa’s words, Amy especially. What she thought would happen would be that Rosa would have ignored her words, ordered takeout and then they would have fucked before Rosa left her apartment again but clearly something inside her while she had been at the hotel with the shooter, even if Amy didn’t want to give herself false hope that they could develop a closer relationship, knowing how emotionally unavailable Rosa was, having experienced the depressing reality of it most days. However, Rosa was thinking about what to say next, knowing that Amy hadn’t expected her to actually respond to her worries, especially not in such an out of character positive way. The room fell into silence again, however it was definitely less tense last time and eventually Rosa said, “I thought about you at the hotel…about You, and Jake, and Terry…And Charles and Gina” not knowing if she doing the whole ‘opening up’ thing right, her tough girl persona having always been a shield for her feelings, especially with people she was the closest too. No matter how much she loved Amy, ten months of dating wasn’t just going to erase a lifetime of conditioning from her parents, her ballet teachers and herself.
“I was…scared…” Rosa said, her voice going quiet as she admitted her fear, “Scared of not seeing you again, scared of being hurt in action and being unable to continue being a detective. Scared of you being forced to look after me and growing to resent me if something happened” as Rosa continued, she realised more and more that she was genuinely terrified of loosing Amy or losing her position of a detective, neither of those fears she had been able to or wanted to face before, but maybe, now she had Amy, it would be better. Easier.
“I was scared too…I was absolutely terrified of hearing over the radio that you had been hurt…Gina and I distracted ourselves all day by trying to fix the bathroom…” Amy paused, “Well I tried to fix the toilet, Gina spent most of the day making fun of me, even if she was surprisingly encouraging at times”, Rosa chuckled slightly when Amy mentioned trying to fix the bathroom, having seen the aftermath of the attempt when she got back to the precent and having smelt the aftermath on Amy when she had run into her arms, the two of them having clung to each other, Rosa having finally realised in that moment, as Amy, sweaty, covered in toilet water, in slobby clothes, messy and smelly, threw herself into her arms, that she loved her.
She loved her.
Rosa Diaz loved Amy Santiago.
She gently moved her hand to touch Amy’s thigh, not looking at the woman as she said quietly, “I appreciate that attempt, maybe Gina will finally call a plumber and get it sorted”
“Oh, we did call a plumber”
“Did you?”
“Yeah…he doesn’t do same day…apparently it’s common for people to need toilet’s saved because a loved one’s life was in danger”
That made Rosa chuckle again as she shook her head, mumbling, “What a city we live in” before she paused and said, “I- if something was to happen to me…if I was to be hurt...and needed to someone to look after me…would you be willing to do that? You wouldn’t grow to hate it…to hate me?” not wanting to admit the newfound insecurity to her girlfriend but also, after having faced her own mortality and the realization that she loved Amy, she knew that she had to have these conversations with her.
Amy didn’t respond immediately, which made Rosa nervous, feeling the familiar anxiety rise before she saw her girlfriend nod, Amy saying, “Of course I would Rosa. I’ve thought about that before. You know that I care about you”
Care about you.
Of course she wouldn’t say she loves you, Rosa thought, you’ve only been together ten months, and you only just realized you loved her.
Rosa tried her best to hide her anxiety from her girlfriend as she nodded to confirm she had heard her, the woman sighing as she picked up her coffee from the table in front of her that she had put down previously, wanting to do something, anything with her hands as she fiddled with the lid of the disposable cup, saying, “I would do the same…for you I mean, I would look after you if something happened to you while you were on the job” Rosa unable to bring herself to admit she cared about Amy, something she could see hurt her girlfriend, which in turn hurt Rosa, she didn’t intentionally hurt her girlfriend but she wouldn’t, couldn’t, ‘Just open up’, no matter how many times Amy begged her to. “And if- if something was to happen to you Amy…I- I would never forgive myself”
Rosa felt a few tears enter her eyes, which filled the woman with shame as she tried to force them down, not before Amy noticed, of course she did, and she felt her fingers wrap around her wrist, Rosa surprisingly not drawing away from the physical contact, letting herself be comforted for once even if it was only a small gesture. Both of the women stayed that way for several seconds, sitting together with Amy’s fingers wrapped around Rosa’s wrist before Amy eventually says, “Rosa I care about you, you know that. Please, please, just talk to me. Once. You almost died today, let us talk more about that at the very least, you can’t just ask if id look after you if you became disabled on the job and then finally admit you feel fear- Jake will be shocked about that- but immediately shut down again”, Practically begging her girlfriend to talk to her, to communicate with her.
Again, Rosa stayed quiet, silence was like a comfort to her, a blanket, a tool. She stared at Amy’s fingers on her own skin before eventually saying, “I didn’t almost die today”, the crestfallen look on Amy’s face too painful to look at as Rosa gathered her thoughts, trying her best to be a good girlfriend, to emulate the relationships she always saw in the silly soap operas only Amy knew she was obsessed with. She had let this woman into her life, her heart, her home but was hurting her because she refused to let her into her mind, something which Rosa was beginning to want to change, the hurt on Amy’s face causing an ache in her heart that was becoming too painful to ignore as she confirmed, “We probably should talk about it properly” , unable to ignore the way Amy’s eyes lighting up made her feel.
Amy nodded, having almost not expected Rosa to agree to communicate with her as she breathed in deeply and out sharply, standing up as she said, “Wait here, I have something I need to grab”
Rosa nodded slightly to confirm she would wait, her eyes following Amy’s body as the woman moved confidently across the room, opening the cupboard on the TV stand’s door and retrieving a small notebook, something which made Rosa smile fondly before quickly schooling her expression when Amy turned around again and came to sit back down next to Rosa, declaring, “I wrote a list”
Rosa nodded as Amy flicked through the pages of the notebook until she got to a page with a date and Rosa’s name on it, looking up at her girlfriend as she holds up three fingers, “I have three main points: 1, I hate the way you shut down whenever the conversation become anything more than work or the movie we just watched; 2, I hate the fact that we’ve been dating for almost a year at this point and I’ve still never been to your apartment or met your parents; 3, I hate that you refuse to acknowledge our relationship at work. Everyone knows we’re both bisexual. Everyone knows we’re together. Why do you refuse to acknowledge it?”
The genuine pain in Amy’s voice and the way her voice cracks when she asks her final question makes the ache in Rosa’s chest worse as she looked down.
Amy hadn’t gone back to holding her wrist.
“Am I allowed time to think about things?” Rosa asked, the insecurity she felt evident in her voice as Amy sighed, nodding slightly as she murmured, “Take all the time you need…Rosa” the bitterness Amy felt also evident in her voice as Rosa nodded and stood up, Amy asking quickly, “You’re not leaving are you?”, which made Rosa pause as she shook her head, murmuring, “I just wanted to hang my jacket in the closet, give myself something to do”
Amy nodded reluctantly and let Rosa grab her jacket and walk out into the hall of the apartment to hang her leather jacket up in the storage closet located their as her mind ran through what Amy had said to her, trying to formulate an appropriate response in the short forty seconds it would take her to walk there and back. When she walked back into the room, Rosa didn’t miss the way Amy’s face lit up again, Rosa finding her anxiety about her leaving slightly entertaining as there was no way for her to have left the apartment without walking straight past Amy.
The two women stared at each other for several seconds before Rosa sighs and set herself down next to her girlfriend, saying, “I- I understand how you feel and I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way” absolutely meaning the apology, hating the ache in her chest every time she disappointed her girlfriend, “I just…I struggle opening up, you knew that when you asked me out. You’ve known me for eight years. Ten months of dating isn’t going to erase how I’ve felt for my entire life. But I- I do…care about you…” finishing the last part of her sentence quietly, scared to admit it, scared of rejection but also knowing deep down that she is only going to lose Amy if she doesn’t open up, not if she does. “I’ve never told my parents about you because they don’t…” Rosa paused again, sighing as she tried to articulate what she was thinking, she knew Amy and her had completely different upbringings and completely different relationships with their parents so it would be difficult to explain it to her,
“My parents aren’t like yours Amy. I can’t just…invite them to dinner- or- or call them every day like I know you do with your mum…it’s- When I told them I was bisexual, my mum essentially told me if I ever brought a girl home she’d never speak to me again…and they- my parents have left me in the cold once before when I was a teenager and I don’t want to lose the unsteady relationship I have with them already”
By the time Rosa had finished, she realised her cheeks were wet with tears and her head was against Amy’s damp shoulder as her hands ran through her back curly hair. Rosa’s cheeks burned with embarrassment as she realized how emotional she had become, trying to pull away but Amy kept her there, the woman saying, “I’m sorry Rosa…I- I’ve heard about your parents…and I’ve never considered of that was the reason you were so…” Amy gestured vaguely, sighing before saying, “you” in a sheepish tone, something which made Rosa chuckle unwillingly as she continued, “I do care about you Amy…but I also care about my parents and if they’ve only just found out I’m bisexual…Well I don’t want to give my mum a heart attack by introducing her to you…though I think my Dad might quite like you” Rosa continued, finding herself unable to stop speaking to her girlfriend, the woman she loved, once she had begun to answer her questions to try and open up.
The two women stayed curled up on the couch together for several hours as Amy asked questions that Rosa did her best to answer, Rosa losing track of how many times either her or Amy cried and not even realising that they had got into bed together at one point with Rosa wearing some of Amy’s clothes, which were comically too small for her as they lay together in silence. They were next to each other in a dark, comfortable quiet, Rosa resting her head on Amy’s chest, which was the complete opposite to their normal position before Rosa eventually said, “I could have died today Amy…but I didn’t, as for as long as I care about you, I won’t. I’ll always come back to you.”
She didn’t just care about Amy. She loved her.
Rosa Diaz loved Amy Santiago.