Chapter Text
Everything seemed to turn grey when it happened.
The sensation of his hands growing clammy, his feet weightless, and the faces of everyone as he sat there near the walls of the gym, unmoving.
It was rare. For once in his life, his body had been zapped clean of warmth. In that moment he couldn’t do anything; he couldn’t lift a finger, open his mouth, or raise his head. And at the time, he couldn’t cry.
Then, he was alone. He started crying, sobbing, and honestly, he couldn’t even believe himself because Tobio wasn’t someone he should’ve been mourning about— yet he did, dropped to his knees and cried silently, furiously wiping his eyes and then later telling himself that it was alright because Tobio still remembered—
Well, he remembered. He remembered Hinata, he remembered Yamaguchi, he remembered the managers, he remembered the gym and the hardwood floors, he remembered his favorite vending machine drink.
He remembered everything but Kei.
It happened late into his first year, and Kei had just started to melt around Tobio and caress him, to hold hands with him, and talk about their blossoming romantic relationship. It casually was ripped away from him.
There was an inexplicable darkness surrounding everyone. For others, it morphed back into sunlight, others it stayed as a never-ending darkness.
For Kei, it turned foggy. It grew thicker and thicker until his third year.
He spotted Kageyama walking to the gym and he hesitantly trudged forward to tap him on the shoulder.
“Ah.” Tobio glanced at him with those blue eyes, and Kei took a fleeting moment to revel in them, “Tsukishima. Where’s Yamaguchi?”
“He took a detour.” Kei simply said, words airy.
‘Tsukishima,’ he had said. Not Kei. Just Tsukishima.
Tobio nodded and continued forward, reaching the doors as he added, “We’re doing different penalty drills today. Hinata has been whining about it all over text.”
“Ah, is that so…”
Tobio opened the gym doors and was immediately absorbed, and Kei discreetly saw how his blue eyes would light up, his shoulders would ease, and he would shout forward to grab a ball, all without looking back. Kei too wanted to go forward without looking back.
But to him now— the way forward was Tobio. Looking backwards, he would see Tobio.
It was almost suffocating, but he proceeded forward in his maze of fog, and they had a regular time at practice— everyone, admittedly, was in good spirits and had stable conditions. Tobio, as always, was an excellent setter. Wherever the ball was on the court, he would always toss it to you with options.
Unfortunately, even now, Tobio’s sets no longer fit into his hands correctly anymore. It was always different after the accident.
Kei couldn’t do anything about it. He sort of hovered around hesitantly when they all went into the storage room to change and after Hinata and Yamaguchi filed out, Kei asked suddenly, “Kageyama. There’s a new cafe nearby. Do you wanna go with me?”
“Oh— well, sure that’s fine.” Kageyama nodded, his head was a little loose, as if he had no control over it as he put a jacket on, “I do wanna tell you something when we get over there.”
“Let’s definitely go then.” Kei smiled, and he wanted nothing else but to get close, because in his first years, he was just getting going, finally getting to love Tobio.
Now, Tobio was a blank canvas. To Kei, he was a blank canvas. To everyone else, their canvases already had paint splashed all over it.
Kei wasn’t sure how to repaint their relationship, and he really did try to in his second year and now for the last couple months, but Tobio still seemed to leave him hanging.
All Kei could do now was listen. And that was exactly what he had planned in the next few hours.
If Tobio was too far to reach, Kei should’ve just backed off. But he didn’t.
Kageyama gave him a quick nod before pulling out his cell and leaving.
And now, the foggy coldness was back.
Kei, nonetheless, was glad Tobio was happy.
As he sipped his hot coffee on a strikingly cold afternoon, he glanced at his cell and stared at the time. Tobio should be arriving any minute now— the cafe itself was not that bad at all, the ambience light and soft, the drinks all acceptable and the sweets well-crafted.
He smiled wistfully. If only the old Tobio came here with him. He could almost remember the gentle smile he’d have on his face, sipping his drink and looking outside the window and watching the world pass by. Kei set his coffee down and politely folded his hands together on his lap. A little daydreaming could never hurt, so he sat there, as the beams of light coming in from the windows sprinkled across—
A ringing bell came from the door and he turned his head to see Kageyama entering with a puffy jacket and unfamiliar eyes. Suddenly, the sun was no longer there. It hid itself in the clouds, as if scared about what was going to happen next. “Did you already order before me?” Tobio asked, going to sit down in front of him.
Kei quickly waved his hand in apology, “Sorry, I got here a little too early.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just wondering what I should get though.”
The silence heaved on them, breathed tensely like a giant bear hyper-focusing on prey. Soon, Kageyama made his order. “I can pay.” Kei offered.
“Oh, I couldn’t accept that.”
“No, To— Kageyama, it’s fine.”
After a lingering decision Tobio forfeited, and Tsukishima paid for his drink. He continued on gingerly, “You said you wanted to talk about something?”
“Oh, I did.” Tobio nodded and he rapped his fingers against the table— Kei quickly remembered the conversation he overheard back when he was a first-year, about how Tobio kept his hands well cleaned and strengthened, and how Kei couldn’t stop staring after. The thought made his face bloom embarrassingly. “I wanted to say it right there when we were in the room but I think it’d be better if I sat down and… talked about it.” The words came out slowly, foreign on his tongue. That only made Kei more antsy.
So, he covered it up measly by smiling sarcastically and staring him dead straight in the eyes, “You should spit it out, then.”
Kageyama tilted his head, brows furrowed, “I already told Hinata, but…”
He no longer seemed to respond the same way to him. There was no more insults or hot-blooded responses. Humiliatingly, Kei really did miss it. Tobio’s drink came along and they were briefly interrupted before he continued, “I found someone I liked.”
And right then and there Kei just wanted to leave his body, unmoving and motionless. He tried hard to keep the strangled cry inside his throat, and instead he briskly swallowed his suddenly lukewarm, suddenly bitter coffee and said, “Really?” It was a struggle.
“She’s really nice.” Tobio admitted.
Kei wanted to shake. He couldn’t— because there was truly nothing he could do. Nothing at all.
Maybe. Maybe that’s just what he thought.
“That’s great.” His voice was not much louder than a whisper, and he stared down at his cup.
“I was going to ask Hinata about taking me to the train station to come over to her place but I think I would need someone more mature to… you know. Get me over there.”
“Tr—train station?” Kei asked. The hand around his throat tightened, and his breath trembled uncontrollably.
“She’s staying in Tokyo right now.” Tobio casually sipped his tea, “And over the break I was going to stay over with her. I was just wondering if you could help me with it since…”
He trailed off. Kei knew exactly what he wanted to say. That he only asked him for help because they really had no bond anymore. Kei was just there. He was just a person now, not a person who held any worth, any importance in Tobio’s life, and because he was now a blank canvas in his eyes rather than a painting created with love.
“So you’re leaving next week?”
“Yeah.” Tobio said. “If you could… help me pack and stuff the day before that’d be good. I’d rather take you than Hinata.”
He could very easily say no.
“I wouldn’t turn down a request from the King, anyway…”
And alas, he didn’t. So he watched Tobio grow a quick smile as he sipped his tea again, and the smile wasn’t from a kiss, a hug, or anything like how it used to be— now, it was unfamiliar.
Kei wasn’t the greatest at being determined.
But now, he had to find his Tobio again.
Even if it took all of him.