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Khaofang is an insomniac.
It’s not a surprise he spends most of the moonlit nights rolling on the bed, as if trying to find a perfect position to drift to slumber the fastest possible. It rarely works, though. The only thing he can do to take advantage of his inability to sleep is to either catch up with his homework or scroll mindlessly on his phone until his eyes burn, as long as there isn’t space for thinking and regretting everything he’s done for the past few years. He had developed a fear of his own tears, admittedly.
Bodies aren’t supposed to handle stress and tiredness all the time, they too have a limit, one which Khaofang didn't respect. He knew his health was decreasing from the lack of sleep when classmates pinpointed that he looked restless, with dark eyebags that dulled his vibrant eyes. One of them even suggested going to the doctor, yet Khaofang immediately refused. As long as he can find something useful that doesn’t involve a trip to the doctor, he thinks he can bear the process.
If Phum knew how reckless he has become with his own health, he would probably scold him in an angry tone. Worse, he would come back to the once shared apartment and leave Peem behind just to take care of his brother. Mind you, Khaofang is the older one. The more he thinks about it, the less he likes the idea. It was already difficult to tell him what his concerns were, afraid that Phum would make a rushed decision in order to help him, so he remained quiet.
So there he is, searching for tips to fall asleep. He feels a bit embarrassed, he used to be a deep sleeper and, now, everything seems to annoy him to the point he can’t keep his eyes shut for more than 5 minutes. One website leads to another, but nothing interesting appears. All advice was the same: reduce the screen time, develop new habits, have a correct diet… Is the Internet a constant copy and paste? If so, there’s no point in having a phone to begin with.
Just when Khaofang was about to switch off his phone and throw it somewhere, he found an interesting article. Many adult people, who struggled with sleep, had chosen to listen to podcasts, but not the conventional podcasts about brainless people talking about topics they didn’t even bother to investigate. It was similar to ASMR, but instead of sounds and repeated words all over, it was suggesting listening to storytellers. That was surely a new discovery. Khaofang started to dislike reading, he did it everyday for his lessons, anyway. He should choose someone who tells kids tales, someone who exudes enough calmness to relax energetic children.
His history search is starting to look funny. There were potential candidates with soft voices, not surprised that the majority were women, for they were naturally nurturing. However, as he went down, there was someone who caught his attention the most due to the little amount of views he had. He seemed Khaofang’s age, that was a bonus. Who could be this boy?
He clicks the video, uploaded two days ago. Khaofang is the 5th visitor and he doesn’t expect anything amusing and will probably regret clicking on his video. Except the fact that he was very, very wrong with his first impressions.
“Good night, both little kids and grown kids,” Khaofang snorted at the statement. That was a good start for him. “Today’s tale is one of my favourites, because the meaning itself is beautiful. You might have seen classic Disney movies, right? Tonight’s session is about Beauty and the Beast, so turn off your lights or keep a dim one if you fear the dark like me, lay comfortably on your bed and close your eyes.”
The indications are usually for a better immersion, viewers don’t actually have to do it unless they want to. However, Khaofang didn’t have anything to lose, so he does as he says. As he waits for the storyteller to grab the book and read, he decides to analyse him. He watches his eyes, ones that seemed to hold an entire constellation in a minimal space as one’s eyes could be. A comely nose followed them and, lastly, plump lips that were always showing a bright smile, accompanied with two moles placed neatly on the corner of his mouth — probably the most noticeable mark on his face.
His name is Tan, he saw it on his description box, and Khaofang thinks he’s mesmerizing. If it’s not the voice that lulls him to sleep, it’s the charming face in front of him. Once Tan places himself with a big book, he starts reading.
Khaofang had only one thought running in his mind whilst carefully listening: where has this boy learnt to evoke such a gentleness in his voice? No matter how hard he tries, Khaofang often fails to show composure and his voice ends up loud and unpleasant. It’s a unique gift and Tan is blessed with it, no wonder why he chose to use it for good albeit his little reach. He doesn’t know how, but he feels like the weight of his body becomes lighter and, for the first time in years, he feels drowsy.
He wonders if this is his natural voice, if he speaks to everybody else with the same warmth, if he knows what his voice is doing to him at this exact moment. Khaofang can only admire the solemn semblance of Tan, a sight as pure as the first snow that falls every winter.
“...and Belle and the prince lived happily ever after. With that, tonight’s tale ends,” he lastly says and smiles in front of his camera. Khaofang is deluding himself, product of the copious nights he spent wide awake, but there’s a growing urge to listen to him more because, if there’s something he knows what to do, is to comply with his own impulses.
Surprisingly, Tan’s channel is quite old, as far as he scrolls, there are videos even from years ago, when he had a more youthful look. It’s probably a hobby, a curious one, and that softens Khaofang unknowingly. He is truthfully adorable, with a smile similar to a round bunny. Even though Khaofang had already lost interest in books as soon as he started studying, he still remembers a tale his mother used to pick from the shelf and read to him with fondness because it was her favourite.
Thumbelina, which Tan has read not long ago. It’s an instant play.
It’s odd, Khaofang thinks. Unlike other storytellers he has encountered, with huge mics and a different setting for each tale, there is something that enthralls him towards Tan. Might it be the simplicity? Might it be the authenticity? He doesn’t know, yet it’s not that he wants to find an answer to his questions, in all honesty.
Just like that, he falls asleep with Tan’s voice resonating in his ears, who kept whispering sweet wishes for a good rest.
Khaofang has a secret.
Well, it’s not a shameful one nor would his life be ruined if it accidentally slipped out his mouth. The mere fact he is keeping it as a secret is because he has developed a liking to keep his discoveries hidden. Call him stingy, but he doesn’t want to share it.
He doesn't want to share Tan’s channel, as silly as it sounds.
Ever since he has discovered his night tales and his soothing voice, Khaofang feels lighter in the best way possible. His classmates, friends even, have pinpointed that he started to glow. However, it was obvious that they meant it in a perverted way, he isn’t as naive as he used to be. He didn’t affirm nor deny anything, he prefered to keep it low. They would probably mock him for falling asleep whilst listening to a storyteller for kids, at the end of the day.
It shouldn’t be taking much of his time, it really shouldn’t because he has more important things to focus on, yet Khaofang starts to feel intrigued. He ponders on why Tan began uploading videos, if he’s an elder brother who wants to please his little siblings' wishes; what Tan does for a living, what his outcomes for his future are, who Tan is on the inside.
Khaofang wants to get to know him, to earn a new friend that’s not from Phum’s circle or someone who’s from his faculty. It’s easier than done, though. He has forgotten the last time he established a civil conversation with someone without feeling shivers creeping onto his skin, his heart racing erratically and his hands trembling as he anticipated all questions and answers in his mind. Any kind of social interaction caused him an inexplicable pile of stress, to the point he had to excuse himself earlier than everyone else, Phum tagging along to comfort him.
He cannot deny he has changed. For the better? It’s yet to be seen. Unless he wants to lose an opportunity to earn a potential friend, he has to think how to approach Tan, how to thank him for helping with his sleeping schedule. The positive thing about talking to people online is that no one can see him, no one can hear him, so he still remains safe.
As soon as his exams finish, Khaofang arrives home later than he had planned. Phum is still studying and, undoubtedly, gushing over Peem just like the first time both met on a misfortunate day. The concept of love still baffles Khaofang because, sure, he has some experience in relationships. Up to this day, he remains cordial with his past lovers, especially with Fai, who has been nothing but understanding, nothing but kind to him. There were a few times in which he considered having regretted letting her go due to his own lack of confidence, yet how can Khaofang love someone else if he still has to learn to love himself first in order to give a piece of himself?
There is so much inside of him that there isn’t enough space for more anxious feelings. The only thing he can do is to remain awake as a punishment and, slowly, accept that there aren’t good or bad decisions, just consequences. His insomnia is a great consequence of said decisions.
With tired movements, he hops to his bed without undressing himself properly. Projects and exams always tire him, no matter how disciplined he is, and he doesn’t have time to engage into small conversations. It doesn’t surprise him that the majority of messages were from Phum asking if he’s doing well while he’s living happily with his current boyfriend. That reminds him, there’s not a single notification from Tan’s channel.
Right after he caught up with all of his contacts, he decides to take a look. There are so many things Khaofang finds in Tan which contrast with him, even if he doesn’t know him personally, that only makes his interest grow bigger. At that moment, Khaofang decides to see the details of his profile and, luckily, there are direct links for his social media.
Tan loves nature and poems, there are plenty of reflective posts. He doesn’t seem to post a lot of selfies either, which is a pity, because Khaofang thinks if he had such a beaming smile, he would show it to the world. The message button is there, calling for Khaofang’s name. He might be the only person on Earth who fears texting someone more than meeting them face to face. After making his thumbs waltz above the screen for what seemed an eternity — he starts typing a message, finally.
Right, he has forgotten the fact he expresses himself so poorly that even Phum struggles to understand what he tries to say, all because he neglected his needs and wishes when he was younger so as to please others. Although he’s a genuine person in all ways, alas, he’s still an emotionally constipated human.
His actions were the following: he writes a text, he reads it, he deletes it entirely, he writes a new one and the cycle goes on. Khaofang must have written five texts already, all because he doesn’t want to come off as a creepy dude with ill intentions. If this ever happened, Khaofang would probably stop using any kind of social media.
jtrp.kf
Hello there. I stumbled upon your YouTube channel some days ago and I want to say that your videos help me a lot at night. I struggle to fall asleep and your voice is very calming. Keep going with your videos :)
As expected, there’s not an instant answer. In fact, he doesn’t even think he will get a reply from Tan, considering it’s very late at night and it’s only Khaofang awake at this hour. Who knows if the only free time he has is at night? If he were him, he would focus on getting some rest as well. Instead of trying to get some sleep by playing any of Tan’s videos, he is now both nervous and uneasy.
What kind of reply will he give him? Is he a dry person on text? Does he speak in riddles? It starts to consume Khaofang, when the only thing he’s done is to send an appreciative message. Even if Tan doesn’t reply to him at all, that wouldn’t change the opinion on him.
His phone buzzes, so loudly it almost makes Khaofang drop it to his face. As much as he wanted to say it looked like an eternity, only five minutes went by since he sent the message. He knows he might look a bit desperate, not in a dirty manner, yet it was thrilling.
itstankwp
oh god!!!!!! this is so sweet!!!!!
you’re the first person to tell me this. i’m very happy to know i can be of help. may i know your name and how to refer to you??? so i can give you a special thanks in my next video. i’m a bit at loss of words hahahahaha
Khaofang smiles at the messages, the way it’s written truly belongs to someone who tells tales for kids. Somehow, all pessimistic ideas disappear and, just for this moment, he feels confident.
jtrp.kf
No, no. There’s no need to thank me, it should be the other way around. My name is Khaofang, just address me informally
The typing bubble appears in an instant, as if Tan were waiting in their chat.
itstankwp
you have a very pretty name!!! my name is tan, just in case you didn’t know it
At the compliment, Khaofang faintly smiles, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.
itstankwp
so khaofang, how exactly did you find my channel? not that i care for attention, but it shocks me considering that i barely have any viewers. perhaps you know me personally through one of my friends and you’re pretending to be someone else?
just kidding!! don’t take it by heart, please
He has such a sunny nature, Khaofang is debating whether he is talking to a real person or not.
jtrp.kf
It was accidental, in a way? I often spend my nights awake, let’s say my mind is a constant nightclub. I read somewhere that listening to someone reading tales helps to fall asleep. I was curious as to why you had so little views, that’s how I ended up watching your videos.
Sorry, I over explained myself a bit. I hope you don’t mind
Once he sends his own messages, Khaofang is cursing at himself. He has barely established a conversation with the poor boy and he’s already apologising for something Tan asked him directly. It’s okay, he thinks, it’s the spur of excitement getting the best of him.
itstankwp
hey, don’t be sorry!! i only received four or five comments throughout my whole time on the internet, this actually warms my heart because you’re saying this directly to me
For a moment, the typing bubble in Tan’s profile disappears. Khaofang is a bit startled, because just some seconds ago he was writing something more. He decides to wait. There’s no rush, at least from Khaofang’s side.
itstankwp
i had considered quitting whatever i was doing, to be honest because it felt childish and not worth the time spent. that’s why i haven’t uploaded anything lately. but this, this is what i needed to continue with this hobby. i really want to thank you, khaofang
He doesn’t notice it, but he’s frowning as he reads Tan’s messages. What can he say to reassure him, though? He sucks as a shoulder to cry on.
jtrp.kf
There’s nothing childish about it. It’s a very noble hobby. Not everyone has the ability to control their voice to the point to make others sleepy and you happen to have it. Don’t take it for granted, Tan, even if it’s a hobby because it doesn’t have an age and you have an actual talent
Silence.
Khaofang starts to think he might have something out of pocket, something that might have offended him, until he sees that he’s typing something.
itstankwp
that’s beautiful
really, khaofang
it’s very wholesome to read. it’s safe to say you have made my night x100 times better. i can’t do much more than to thank you. i’m glad my videos reached to a person like you
Khaofang’s heart skips a beat. It’s nothing outworldly, but they’re on the same page, where they’re mutually thankful for their distant presences: one for being a walking lullaby; the other, for being a pseudo-motivator.
It’s the next question that startles him to the point his hands begin to slightly sweat, though it’s harmless.
itstankwp
can i know more about you, khaofang?
if it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to do it!!! it's okay
i always wanted to befriend someone who watches my videos, if that someone had ever existed of course hahaha
Endeared. Khaofang is endeared. Yet, what is he supposed to tell him? Beginnings are always difficult for him, either because he has always struggled with small chat or he tends to hold back his true personality for the sake of other people.
jtrp.kf
Well
You already know my name, so let’s skip that
I’m in my 3rd year of uni, even though I should’ve been a year ahead. I’m studying architecture, by the way
I like cats
Is that a good start?
Khaofang is ridiculous, but he has long accepted it’s part of him.
itstankwp
mentioning cats is always a good start
you’re just a year older than me, if i understood it well
i’m in the same year as you!!! just studying engineering
it’s no fun when you have to do a bunch of projects
He imagines Tan sulking, would he pout his lips or purse them to highlight his cheeks?
itstankwp
you’re free to ask me whatever you want
Tan is pushing one of Khaofang’s buttons without being aware. This could be the beginning of something for them, through the distance, through a few clicks of screen and messages sent.
jtrp.kf
Out of all hobbies, why a storyteller?
The typing bubble disappears for a moment, then comes back.
itstankwp
i’ve always wanted to be asked this
it’s kind of a long answer
He is more than pleased to read Tan’s words.
itstankwp
it all goes back to when i was 15 maybe?
my voice started to change because of puberty and teachers mentioned that i could be a great speaker when i grew older. a monologist in short terms
i was raised with my other siblings so it’s normal that we’d keep children’s books for the memories
just like you, i used to struggle to sleep at night. i don’t know how it started, it just happened. i guess the older you get, the more prone you are to feel exhausted
have you ever felt like that?
He still does, even when it’s barely mentioned, he does. He knows what kind of feeling Tan is describing, the way it crawls into Khaofang’s body as if he were a prey in a spider nest ready to be devoured.
itstankwp
once you start acknowledging there’s something going wrong, you try to remember what happened during all those years hoping the memory of someone or something will help you
i guess that’s what happened with me and telling stories
that was my way of solace
if there’s no one to comfort me, at least i can have myself
and it worked, as weird as it sounds
as lonely as it sounds
but don’t pity me, please!!!
i’m happy it works on you too!!!!
i consider it a sign~
jtrp.kf
What kind of sign, if you mind telling me?
Tan doesn’t answer, at least not immediately like some seconds ago. Khaofang opts to press his own message to delete it, in case it sounded too personal, but then he replies.
itstankwp
a sign that it wasn’t a mistake making videos
T A N (itstankwp) started following you.
K. (jtrp.kf) started following you.
Khaofang has a new friend.
In all honesty, he doesn’t know if he can call him one, because there’s little he knows about long-distance friends. He has few friends, all of them Phum’s as well. Although as brothers that grew attached to the hip, mostly on Phum’s part, there’s a vast contrast between their personalities. The main difference, one everyone who knows them both can pinpoint, is that Phum doesn’t fear, doesn’t step back. Khaofang does, cowardly.
Now that he’s left with his little one’s absence, there are things he needs to learn by himself.
It’s been quite long days since Tan and Khaofang started to engage in light-hearted talks, in which Tan often asked him if he has improved his sleep, if there’s anything especially bothering that makes him stressed. When Khaofang thinks about it by himself, there are plenty of things that make him stay with one eye open. It’s easier to divague in his own thoughts, yet when someone asks him the same question — he’s speechless because wording them is difficult. Better, what exactly are his concerns?
In general, Tan might not be aware of it, but he’s nurturing. It doesn’t cross boundaries of false over preoccupation, it just comes off as natural, in the correct amount. He never presses Khaofang to do anything that might uncomfort him, that’s why he never tries to force him to send voice messages or photos of his face, something he is thankful for. Just the usual surroundings of Khaofang is enough for Tan, who is bubbly, who is always excited for something.
At times, he questions how Tan, despite his own troubles, manages to remain positive. Without digging further, Tan has told him that he had once gone through hardships he now can tell without being upset. Khaofang has yet to reach such acceptance, which might explain why he’s always calm while talking to Tan. It probably doesn’t mean much to Tan, but for Khaofang it is meaningful because his mind can rest for a while from the riotous thoughts.
Tan is so casual, Khaofang can’t help but to feel admirance growing inside of him.
itstankwp
(see photo)
in case you want to know how my homework looks like
(sticker)
jtrp.kf
Ow
Seems as stressful as mine
(see photo)
Good luck!
itstankwp
not really if you know what you’re up to!!!
ewwww
plastic arts never were my favourite
jtrp.kf
Well, that’s entirely a “you” problem!
(sticker)
Tan talks to Khaofang as if they knew each other since they gained consciousness as children.
itstankwp
how do you like your noodles, khaofang?
i like them spicy!!!! but it hurts my stomach hahahahaha
i should change my diet, just for a bit
Tan asks questions which come off as trivial, but Khaofang has never been asked them, not even when he was dating his previous lovers. People tend to brush off the meaningless questions, the ones that can be answered as obvious, because they don’t have enough patience to know the littlest details about others. Instead, they simply and straightforwardly jump into conclusions before having a quick idea of what kind of person they’re talking to, they’re befriending with. This could explain many things as to why Khaofang is a bit strange for others. It’s reciprocated, though, Khaofang too thinks people are strange for him.
itstankwp
sometimes, when i’m not in the mood to do anything, i leave all my chores for another day
“don’t leave things you can do today for tomorrow” well, i don’t know when it will be the last day i can have fun!!!
we’re full of workaholics, don’t you think so?????
it’s a tad sad but it’s not their fault either
i want to have my time too
have some time for yourself too, khaofang
He feels so comfortable talking to Tan that all plans seem to be irrelevant if there’s not him included. However, he can’t always show his usual composed demeanour to Tan.
itstankwp
are you okay in your little part of the world?
you seem off
jtrp.kf
Not having the greatest of days, actually
I’m just bummed over a grade, it went worse than expected
I made the conversation sour, right?
I’m sorry, I probably ruined the mood
Don’t mind me too much for today
itstankwp
don’t be silly
i think you already know that grades not always reflect one’s efforts
but i know you try hard, i can see it on the bunch of photos you send me during the day
feel proud of yourself, even if it’s just once
because i am of you!
(sticker)
Khaofang rarely cries.
He has cried enough during his teen years, when he didn’t meet his parents’ expectations, when he felt left out from his past friends’ group, when he saw how people his age had their life planned while he was still struggling to keep forward. He cried, over and over like a whimsical kid until his eyes burnt from the amount of pressure he made them have. Everyone witnessed how he mistreated himself and pitied it because, if anything, Khaofang was always told to have the most darling pair of eyes out of all three brothers. Hypocritical, for they were the first ones to detail all Khaofang’s flaws.
To say he’s insecure is an understatement, yet he’s come to a point where he doesn’t really think about it. It’s just there, like a splinter that has ejected itself deeply into his skin, becoming one with the flesh. If he doesn’t touch it, it won’t hurt. In that way, he won’t have to lament anything.
Without knowing how or why, Tan simply knows. He senses when Khaofang feels under the weather just by the way he writes his messages, when he’s not having a good day or when he is, anew, sleepless. It’s so curious how strangers seem to be more worried about other strangers instead. Best thing is that Tan does all of this without actually expecting anything in return, because he cares for the sake of caring. Because that is the person Tan is.
A person Khaofang is starting to grow fond of.
jtrp.kf
You always know what to say
I wonder how you do so
A person he feels easy to be with.
itstankwp
i could say the same to you!!!!!
(sticker)
jtrp.kf
What do you mean?
A person he keeps finding small things to treasure.
itstankwp
you might not be aware of it
but your words are lovely
when i’m upset, you try to say something you think it might work
reread our messages if you don’t believe me!!!!!
you’re always nice to others, except for yourself
i know there might be things that can’t be said out loud but please, don’t think you’re less than me
you’ll never be less than anyone
because you’re khaofang and there’s no other khaofang that will be like you
Teardrops fall into his screen without any sound.
itstankwp
khaofang?
jtrp.kf
Can I call you?
itstankwp
what? why? did anything happen?
jtrp.kf
Yes or no?
itstankwp
of course you can!!
Khaofang doesn’t think further, doesn’t even wait for Tan to finish typing whatever he was trying to say. He just presses the voice call button and hears the constant ring. Even so, Tan doesn’t answer until the tenth ring goes by.
He hears how the call is being picked, yet none of them speaks, falling into an odd silence. Instead, they listen to each other’s breathings.
It’s Khaofang who breaks the ice first. “Tan,” he almost stutters his name.
There’s not a verbal answer, but a giggle. Khaofang might melt right there with the sound of his laughing.
“Who else if not me?” amidst a soft cry Khaofang is letting out, he allows himself to laugh in between tears. “Hello, Khaofang,” the way his voice pronounces his name is like a mellow melody playing in an elegant dance room.
“Tan,” he sounds like a broken recorder, repeating his name over and over.
“It’s me, yes!” Tan never shows annoyance.
“I’m so stupid because I’m crying and just because you told me good things,” he sniffs. Tan thinks if he does it any stronger, he might absorb all the little particles around him.
“What? You’re crying because of me?” Tan’s voice is more playful out loud, like there’s always excitement running through his vessels instead of blood.
“Not because of you, it’s just… I have never been told even a quarter of what you say to me,” the last words come as a whisper, afraid that he would embarrass himself in front of Tan — figuratively speaking.
“Khaofang,” if Tan dares to say his name again, Khaofang won’t have any more strength to hold back his tears. No one, not even Phum, has ever muttered his name in such gentleness. “You deserve to hear them everyday.”
“I really don—” rarely are the moments in which Tan interrupts Khaofang’s thoughts. All for a good cause, though.
“No, I know what you’ll say. Why can’t you see how amazing you are? I am too intense for others, they never give the same energy as me. I understand that, but you never made me feel like I’m too much. Your presence means a lot to me.”
There’s an unspoken feeling between both boys. If they revealed any further, it would mean a point of no return. Khaofang has always been a scaredy cat, he always hid himself in a corner in hopes he can remain safe. Yet, he needs to let go of that feeling of uncertainty.
Can he do that with Tan, without hurting him?
“Khaofang.”
“I’m here,” he answers with a faint smile.
“Is there any chance we can meet in person?” Tan’s voice, for the first time, is serious.
“Would you like to see me?” he asks in a low voice.
“I've been dying to see you ever since you talked to me,” Tan can be considered many things, but not a liar. In this instant, he’s far from lying, when he is hearing Khaofang’s voice for the first time, when he’s listening to him saying his name so timidly. “When no one had seen me, you came to me. Let me come to you, too.”
Khaofang’s eyes darted to the small calendar on his desk, the one Fai gifted to him amicably. It has absolutely crossed over his mind that it’s December and it’s the month of gatherings, where once again he is a mediator between Phum and his parents. Not everyone has the same unlucky situation as him, Tan would prefer spending time with his loved ones instead of him. He is okay with being the second choice.
“I can be free on Christmastime,” Khaofang says, he completely forgot that some seconds ago he was crying.
“25th is it,” Tan says confidently.
“N-no! You have to be with your family,” at the exasperation, Tan lets out a genuine laugh.
“My parents will understand, it’s not Christmas’ eve,” Khaofang bites his lips. “I need confirmation, Khaofang.”
“Does 7pm sound fine?” he asks, as soft as he can.
“It sounds perfect.”
It’s the first time Khaofang cries out of joy rather than sadness.
Khaofang feels nervous.
He doesn’t have any other emotion to describe it, it just accentuates everytime he sees the clock ticking faster than usual. Khaofang tries to find the most suitable clothes, so Tan doesn’t have a wrong idea of him. He has memorized Tan's face very well, it’s printed on his mind like a painting.
The twilight began to creep slowly in Bangkok, the Moon waving goodbye to the Sun and wishing it a good rest, and Khaofang likes to think that the way the sky is coloured will mean a fine time. Even so, there’s a wave of goosebumps on his skin every time he has questions about Tan. He needs to get out, Khaofang was determined to not let this opportunity slip from his hands.
If people looked at him, they would wonder why he looked so breathless. Well, there’s a quick answer to it and it’s the urge to be punctual in their first meet. When Tan had said to him the place where he would like them to meet, the first thing that crossed his mind was how small the world is and how lucky he is to be near Tan.
The nervousness is replaced with stun once he sees Tan waiting for him inside the café they both agreed to meet for the first time. Tan is gorgeous in real life. His skin could be described as pearly white, with moles adorning it. It’s envious, he must have been kissed a lot in his past life, there’s no space for doubts when his heart holds the most honest feelings. Then, his steps stop to reconsider all things, out of any moments he could have chosen — he is hesitating right now. What if Tan rejects him?
A quick walk became the main sound inside the café that was bustling with voices from friends, from families, from lovers. Tan didn’t take notice of his entering, too focused on what was happening outside, listening to the Christmas carols and humming along their rhythm.
Khaofang thinks he looks peaceful.
Just when Tan averts his gaze to come back to reality, he meets Khaofang’s gaze. There, Tan knows that no one in this room would look at him with the same expectation and care the same way. It’s written on his face, on his body language, that he’s no other than Khaofang, the young man he longed to see.
“Tan.”
“Khaofang.”
The happenings inside the café faded just like lights in the finale of an act. It’s only them and no one can steal their moment away. Gravity pulls them together, made for each other. Awkwardly, Khaofang sits in front of Tan, his fingers playing with the hem of the brand-new blouse he chose to wear.
“You’re beautiful,” Tan breaks the ice and smiles when he notices the rosy colour invading the other’s cheeks. “You’re as beautiful as I imagined you’d be.”
He hides his mouth in his hand so as not to let Tan see his smile, yet Tan doesn’t miss the way his face scrunches. Khaofang musters up all of the courage he has and faces Tan. “And you’re breathtaking.”
There’s no slight difference between Tan’s persona on chat and his usual self. Life is still a mystery to Khaofang, he still has questions yet to be answered, but for now — he will accept the present that Tan is. Not once had he felt the need to excuse himself to go to the bathroom to endure another session of dull conversation. Khaofang thinks that if they both happened to get lost in the middle of the darkness, he would find him in no time, for Tan is the only bright star among people.
Khaofang’s hand slides perfectly onto Tan’s, walking together under the many Christmas decorations after they decided they spent too much time sitting on rusty tables. Since childhood, he avoided celebrating Christmas because it held bitter memories, but seeing Tan dancing, laughing and singing along, Khaofang cannot avoid following his actions, even if it meant being looked at and commented on. As long as he has Tan, there’s no other thought than how he should cherish him in his life and hold him closer.
As they walk to Khaofang’s home, Tan shares with him a last smile and he wonders if he is impulsive just like him. If he doesn’t do it now, he’s afraid it will never happen.
“Tan,” their held hands became tighter. “Would you like to stay the night with me?”
Who is Tan to reject such an invitation? “Of course.”
He didn’t want to admit out loud, but Khaofang had prepared a table in the living room just for the two of them. It would be impolite to meet him with empty hands, so the least thing he could do is to invite him to some drinks and spend a nice time together. Maybe, they could share with each other more secrets which would be theirs to keep.
“It’s the first time I invite someone over here,” Khaofang confesses. “I’m glad that it’s you. I’ll pour us some wine.”
“Fang,” he gasps with the nickname. Normally, people would call him phi or by his full name, only his relatives call him Fang. He might consider making another exception, because Tan himself is an exception in Khaofang’s life. “I want to tell you something.”
He leaves the bottle aside once he finishes pouring red wine in both glasses. “I’ll be honest. If it’s a rejection, can you please wait until you have to go? Because, Tan, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it in front of you.”
“No, Fang, it’s not a rejection,” he welcomes the warmth of Tan’s hands cradling his face, so dearly as if he were expensive porcelain. Khaofang remembered how much of a touch-starved person he is and the way his skin feels onto his is electrifying to the point it scares him. “I wanted to ask if you would like to appear in my next and last video.”
“Last, why last?” Tan’s thumb caresses his cheek, tracing an invisible line.
“I don’t know either. Maybe I’m overthinking it too much, but if you appeared on it, it would be the most special video on my channel,” Khaofang feels his knees weakening at such honesty.
“It will be an honour, Tan,” he smiles in disbelief. In the short run, it sounded thrilling. In the long run, it scared him. All because he is too self-aware of the fact people will perceive him. Tan felt Khaofang’s uneasiness and so he kept drawing patterns on his face.
It's so soothing, Khaofang is marveled. “It'll be okay, just trust me.”
For others who aren’t used to it, silence can be a sign of untrust. For Tan and Khaofang, it’s the perfect moment to drink from their glasses and exchange a few smiles, their bodies slowly coming together without leaving any space in between. When Khaofang ghosts his lips milimetres away from Tan’s, he doesn’t dare to take another step and that frustrates the other on the inside. He just needs a little push.
"You can kiss me, Fang," Tan whispers, affirming, positively, and manages to take a last breath before he is pulled by the waist for a slow, sensual kiss. It took him a few moments to reciprocate by puckering his lips and capturing Khaofang’s plump ones without shame.
Truth is, Khaofang is a direct witness on the fact nights are long, that's why he prefers to take his time to memorise the taste of Tan's lips, mingled with the red wine they both just shared and a particular sweetness that only belongs to him. He could become addicted to it, how Tan's mouth fits perfectly like a jigsaw when he kisses and bites him with fervor.
Unhurriedly, he guides them both to his room, where the only light which reaches it is the timid moonlight. If this is what he was craving for all these years, then, he might never want to let it go.
Amidst the kiss, it's almost unconscious the way his deft hands make way to undress Tan's clothes and throw them somewhere, just to notice his milky skin shivering at the bare touch of his fingertips trailing each inch of his curves and swallow the small sounds Tan made while being caressed all over his upper body.
Tan knew it was a mutual sentiment, so he allows himself to surrender under his touch, under each one of his kisses full of tenderness which he’s starting to love vehemently. Few were the times he felt seen and cared for, without being seen as an object, but desired as who he is. If it's not Khaofang, he's afraid it can't be anyone else.
When Khaofang lays him in bareness, he knows that the only thing he wants is to become one with him. Tan never once discouraged him with his slow and steady actions, his shy gasps only made him more and more confident. Tan has never been this kissed before, he thinks his body will be permanently marked with the shape of Khaofang's lips. Nothing to complain, to begin with.
"Fang," he calls him out, he knows his voice is his weakness. Khaofang replies with a kiss on the other's tummy before going down. "Oh, Fang.”
Christmas, from Khaofang’s point of view, used to be his least favourite festive day due to the sadness it held. It took him long years to accept that, maybe, normality won’t be a word integrated in his vocabulary. Yet, feeling Tan’s skin glued to his in any movement felt like snow he has never touched before. Softer than the mattress he sleeps in, warmer than the coffee he drinks every morning.
“If you keep calling me like this with your sultry voice, I won’t hold myself much longer,” Khaofang teases and Tan bucks up his hips to feel him.
“There’s no need to hold yourself when you’re with me,” and with that, Khaofang and Tan spend their first night together melting as one.
If he could exchange years of pessimism and replace them with Tan calling out his name for the rest of the night, coming apart from each touch until he's out of breath and without any other thoughts that weren’t Khaofang — he would, without space for hesitation. To hear Tan pleading for more while his nails dug on his back when he feels too good to handle it by himself, drowned in his kisses and words of praise.
People are as simple as that. There’s no other way to explain, because Khaofang is human after all.
Khaofang knows love.
He is still trying his best to assimilate that, at this certain moment, Tan is sorting out his camera and the lights in his room. Tan’s home is as cosy as him, it truly says the kind of person he is. Laying on the bed, Khaofang’s eyes scan the whole room, where his shelves, full of books, are. The frames with Tan’s family and him as a kid makes him smile.
“Okay, I will start recording in 5 minutes. Do you need more time?” Tan asks him with an excited tone.
“It’s alright,” it’s true, because he knows that Tan means wellness, that there’s nothing he should be afraid of as long as they keep holding hands. It’s alright.
Tan’s voice is unmistakable. The way he pronounces words and makes emphasis on dialogues when it’s needed helps Khaofang with his imagination. At first, he didn’t want to admit it, but there’s a fuzzy feeling inside of him that only appears when he’s with Tan. If it had happened to him back when he was younger, he would have thought there’s something wrong inside of him. All because he believed being worthless of someone’s time and care.
It’s Tan’s unplanned entrance on his life that he learnt so many things which, though he’s still yet to improve, makes him feel a bit easier. Khaofang has been told to show gratitude for people for their efforts, so he waited until Tan closed the book and stopped recording to finally be open to him.
“Thank you, Tan,” he turns around to see him with closed eyes, almost falling asleep on his bed full of childhood plushies.
“For what?” he laughs at Khaofang’s sudden words.
“Everything.”
His everything meant learning to forgive himself for small mistakes, accepting that things can’t go wrong no matter how hard he tries, opening slowly to people he cares about. Most important, getting to know what love feels with Tan.
He couldn’t even continue with his inaudible words because he drifted to sleep in the warmth of Tan’s place. Tan could only smile with same love at the sight, he’d rather see him being calmed than tired.
At least, Khaofang would meet Tan in his dreams too and be on his arms, safely, resting.