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“I’m boooored. Let’s go do something.”
The shrill complaint shakes me from a trance I didn’t even realize I’d fallen into. The memories fade away as easily as they’d come as I’m forced back to reality by the familiar voice. Raising my gaze from the bright white of the floor, I look up at the door frame. Of course, there stands a certain self-centered princess.
Baobhan Sith glares daggers at me, like she’s daring me to see what happens if I deny her request. I let out a subtle sigh and drag myself off my seat on the bedside.
“Fine by me,” I murmur. “Let's go then.”
She narrows her gaze at my agreement and without a word, makes her way out the door. I pick up the pace just enough to catch up to her swift and effortless stride. The clatter of our footsteps are the only sound in the hall as she leads the way with no consideration for my ability to keep up. My eyes are trained on the luxurious red curls that frame her back, occasionally shifting to the metallic white of the walls to avoid the quick glances she shoots back now and then.
Then, just as abruptly as she started, she stops and turns to face me.
“What’re you staring at? Something wrong with your head?” The irritated Baobhan Sith confronts me with a fierce look, demanding a response. “If you keep spacing out then there’s no point to this, now is there?”
She’s right, but as much as I want to forget, the memory keeps coming back. A familiar red glow in a beastly sea of white. A sneaking suspicion I want nothing to do with. One that keeps creeping into my mind despite my best efforts.
“It’s nothing. Really.” I assure her, brushing the image aside. “Anywa—”
“Oh nothing, huh? You think I’m stupid?” She immediately cuts me off, calling my bluff. “You’ve been stuck in your own head since before I even dragged you out of that dull room of yours. You’re really getting that puny brain of yours worked up over something. So spill it.”
Even if I did… where do I start? I don’t want to think about any of it, honestly. The losses of the British Lostbelt… a final standoff with an ancient god. The warm red glow I saw seconds before we dealt the finishing blow… one that I can’t help but think I recognize.
“...I didn’t know.” Without thinking, I let the words slip out. “I didn’t know a thing about you back then. I only started to learn about you later, here. In Chaldea.”
She raises an eyebrow at my response, but stays silent. Her eyes stay fixed on mine. My words start to catch in my throat again, but it’s clear she won’t let me stop now. Reluctantly, I continue.
“Back then I just… did what I could. I felt like it had to be done, so I did it. Like I always do. So it’s only now, after learning about you, that I’m second-guessing it all.” Fighting to organize myself, I let out this unregulated stream of thought. “Do I even have the right to feel bad about it? This long after I already messed it all up? Just how many lives have I ended… without ever learning enough to grieve for them…?”
The reality of the thought starts to sink in further as it leaves me. I can’t help it. The air weighs on my shoulders and my hands start to shake. I didn’t know. I should’ve known. What am I even doing, telling her this? I shouldn’t put this on her. On anyone. This doesn’t fix a thi-
“That’s it?”
Two simple words, spoken as plain as day. Somehow, that’s enough to cut through my thoughts entirely. I lift my gaze from the white floor up to the radiant red princess, who squints at me like I’ve done something she can’t fathom.
“I thought it’d be something more important.” She states plainly, as if it were the most trivial thing in the world. “You really like to worry about the strangest things, don’t you?”
For a moment I’m left speechless. Her words feel alien to me. I wonder if I misspoke, or if I caused some sort of misunderstanding. Looking at her though, it couldn’t be more obvious that isn’t the case. That blank stare, entirely unbothered by my worries. In those eyes I see a few things. Curiosity at something she can’t understand. Irritation at what she sees as a waste of time. What I don’t see is worry. There’s no concern or doubt. It’s not something new to me. It’s nothing new to her. I think I always knew that the image of myself mirrored in those pale gray eyes is all she sees. After a short pause, I feel my lips moving on their own.
“...I guess I do.”
A simple response for a simple question. The weight on my heart doesn’t go anywhere, but the tension in my body fades away. I’m not sure what kind of face I’m making right now, but the look on her face seems to brush it off either way. With a wave of her hand, she turns right back forward, marching on without a care in the world.
“We don’t have all day. Chop chop.”
The princess struts on through the hall, just the way she did before. I lift my gaze up from the floor and to her back, matching her stride. We’ll leave these halls soon, just to kill some time wherever else we decide to go. We’ll never be able to leave it behind, but that never stopped you from painting the town red, did it?
And so, I put these troubles aside. If it’s with you… I guess I could indulge myself sometimes.