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It had been a year since Shinsou had been adopted by Aizawa and Yamada. It had been a tough year, to say the least; however, they worked through it. It wasn't so hard with the unconventional love that Aizawa and Yamada provided constantly. If you asked Yamada or Aizawa about their son's current headspace, they would probably say something like, “He’s doing great!” or “We’re so proud of him, he's come so far!!” Although what they don't know is that Shinsou feels most peaceful when he's stuck in a cycle of depression, finding solace in the pain he feels when he sits on the bathroom floor with a razor in hand. Shinsou loves the feeling of his mind being plagued with an unstoppable dark shadow. Shinsou never really got ‘better’; he just got better at being able to hide those gruesome thoughts away from his fathers. His fathers think Shinsou doesn't notice, but he saw the sad eyes his papa gave to his dad when Shinsou had relapsed. He heard their hushed conversations at night, worrying about how he had cut back on food again. That's why Shinsou became quiet with his struggles again and why he got ‘better’ for his parents' sake.
Shinsou had recently been given an iPhone. It was secondhand from his aunt Nemuri, who had decided to upgrade to the iPhone 16. It felt like a sudden newfound independence. Shinsou had never been allowed to have anything even close to an expensive phone at the group homes or foster homes. For the first couple of days, Shinsou didn't really know what to do with it until he was talking to Jirou and Denki in Jirou's dorm room.
“So, ‘Toshi, what's new with you?” Denki asked, hanging off the edge of Jirou's bed.
“Uhm, nothing?” Shinsou replied, sitting on the beanbag on the ground while he painted Jirou's nails.
“Oh, come on! There has to be something!” Denki giggled.
“Well, uhm, I got my first ever phone a couple of days ago, but uhm, I don't really know what to do with it...?” Shinsou said.
“Dude, your first phone!? You’ve got to download some social media!” Jirou squealed.
Denki came and sat with Shinsou and Jirou on the floor. Jirou and Denki spent hours showing Shinsou popular apps and helping him set up accounts. Denki burst out laughing when he followed Shinsou on TikTok and saw his username was ‘toshi_catlover1’. Once it got close to Shinsou's curfew, he left so there would be enough time for him to walk back to the teachers' dorms.
Once at home, Shinsou explored his newly downloaded apps. After spending an hour on TikTok, he understood the hype and why Mina always went on about how fun TikTok was. That was until a video popped up on his screen. The TikTok created a pit in Shinsou’s stomach; the video was about a feeling Shinsou knew all too well. He saw the repost button, his finger hovered over it, and his breath hitched. Something about knowing that, if he reposted it, there was a slight chance someone might see the darkness he felt and relate made Shinsou feel alive, like he was real again. Although he knew no one would see it, that no one would care enough to even bother looking. Shinsou continued looking through similar tiktoks reposting a couple of them. After awhile of scrolling Shinsou fell asleep.
A week later
It was early in the morning, and Shinsou was sitting at the dining table, eating a bowl of cereal before he had to go hang out with Jirou and Denki when Yamada walked over to him.
“Hey ‘Toshi, how’s your phone going?” Yamada said as he ran his fingers through Shinsou’s messy purple locks.
“Good, I think? Denki and Jirou showed me social media, so I made accounts on some stuff,” Shinsou replied.
“Hmmm, well I’m very glad you’re experiencing new things, ‘Tosh, but I’d be a lot more comfortable if you let me follow you on social media,” Yamada insisted.
“U-uhm, sure, I guess. Uhm, I only downloaded TikTok and Spotify. My username is ‘toshi_catlover1’ for both,” Shinsou explained.
“Love the name, ‘Toshi, but you should get going to catch the train on time. I’ll have a look later! Have fun, ‘Tosh, I love you!” Yamada beamed, forgetting how loud he could be.
“Yeah, see you, Pa. I’ll message you when I get there. Love you,” Shinsou answered as he put his shoes on before leaving.
Yamada’s perspective:
Shinsou had left about an hour ago, and Yamada had completely forgotten about his “check Hitoshi’s social media mission,” until Aizawa got home from patrol and the two were cuddling up on the couch. Yamada was running his fingers up and down Aizawa’s back to calm him down, since he knew Aizawa always felt on edge after a patrol. Aizawa was swiping through his phone before he ultimately opened TikTok.
“That’s it!!!” Yamada jumped.
“Shit, Hizashi, you scared me… What did you remember, baby?” Aizawa murmured.
“‘Toshi told me he downloaded TikTok, which is so fun! But I thought, hmm, I should probably be a good parent and give Hitoshi some supervision because the internet can be weird sometimes. So he told me his user and—”
“Slow down, babe. We’ll have a look together, okay?” Aizawa interrupted.
Aizawa proceeded to search the username Yamada had said and looked at his profile.
“Hmmm, well, he seems to only follow randoms, and only his friends follow him,” Aizawa noted.
“That’s good!! What’s that video he posted though?” Yamada questioned.
They opened the video and saw that it was a collection of random photos.
“It just looks like random photos, babe. Nothing to worry about,” Aizawa replied.
The two of them decided that Shinsou’s TikTok was good enough and appropriate. Just before closing, Yamada saw a ‘repost’ button and decided he should probably check. Upon opening it, he was met with a collection of videos; however, one stood out to him. It was a video talking about the struggles of self-harm. A feeling of guilt washed over Yamada. How could he have not noticed? Is Hitoshi struggling again? When did he relapse? Has he relapsed? Aizawa noticed the sudden shift in the air and the anxiety seeming to show itself in Yamada through his nervous fidgeting and leg bouncing.
“What happened, love?” Aizawa asked.
“L-look at Toshi’s repost!” Yamada yelled.
Aizawa quickly grabbed the phone and watched the video. “Dammit,” Aizawa muttered to himself. How could he have not seen the signs? The long sleeves, the isolating! Aizawa stopped his train of thought, not wanting to let himself spiral into a bad headspace.
“Uhm, okay, okay. I wasn’t expecting that, but we have to stay calm, okay babe? ‘Toshi gets home in an hour, and we’ll talk to him then, okay?” Aizawa said nervously.
“Okay, you’re right. Getting upset won’t get us anywhere,” Yamada murmured.
Aizawa grabbed the remote, turning on a movie to distract the two of them as they waited for Shinsou’s arrival.
Shinsous perspective:
It had been a fun but long day hanging out with Denki and Jirou, and Shinsou just wanted to go to bed and sleep for 100 hours; despite that, when he entered the house, his hair on his arms stuck up, and he knew what the tension in the room was, a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of panic. Shinsou took a deep breath before taking his shoes off and walking into the lounge. Shinsou cleared his throat, causing his fathers to turn and look at him.
“Ah, Toshi, your home! How was your hangout?” Aizawa asked
“Something's wrong?” Shinsou spoke.
“Sit down, please, baby.” Yamada ordered while he petted the seat next to him.
Shinsou walked over and sat down nervously.
“Look, Hitoshi, I will cut straight to the chase, Mkay?” Aizawa began; Hitoshi nodded.
“Hizashi and I looked at your social media, and all was well until—until we checked your reposts, and well… Hitoshi… have you relapsed?”
Shinsou was suddenly very awake; he felt vomit run up his throat. This wasn’t meant to happen; he should’ve known, Shinsou should’ve known that they would see and confront him. He didn’t mean to really! It had been a hard week, and when he saw the shining silver look back at him in the shower, he couldn’t help himself; the peaceful silence that followed his ‘indulging’ Always made him feel okay again, it brought him back to his own senses in a way flicking a rubber band on his wrist or holding an ice cube couldn’t. If he could push the guilt far down into his stomach, he would even feel happy, happy about slicing his skin open on his shower floor.
“-shi Hitoshi!!” Shinsou jumps a little. “I must have been zoning out again,” Shinsou thought to himself.
“I know this is hard, babe; I really do, and Shota and I are not mad. I want you to really understand that we’re not mad at all! We just need to know if you’ve relapsed, okay?” Yamada continued, Aizawa and Yamada still sitting next to one another, worry filling their eyes, but if Shinsou looked close, he also saw the concern and love in their eyes as well. Shinsou concluded that he should finally be open, finally get rid of the intense guilt.
“Uh, I… I did, um, relapse… nothing bad happened; I just… I just need to, after a while; I can’t help it. I know you guys finally trusted me to have a razor again, but every time I see it, I just, it’s like my skin aches and aches until I finally draw blood. Shinsou stuttered out between sobs.
“P-please forgive me! I just can’t stop!” Shinsou continued
Aizawa jumps up from his position on the couch and quickly walks over to Shinsou, pulling him against his chest while he runs his hand up and down Shinsou's back.
“We aren’t mad; we promised. None of us are mad. How about we take a look, okay? I’ll clean them up for you. Hizashi can come." Aizawa rasped
Saying that they stand walking into the bathroom where they keep a first aid kit, Aizawa guides Shinsou to sit on the edge of the bathtub. Aizawa begins pulling away the layers of Shinsou's left arm. As Aizawa starts disinfecting the numerous cuts that litter his arm, Shinsou looks over at Yamada, who appears to be searching the bathroom to remove any sharp objects, which almost comforts Shinsou knowing they’re gone and can’t call his name at late hours of the night.
Once Aizawa finished dressing his wounds, Shinsou noticed he’d been holding Yamada’s hand. Shinsou looked up to Aizawa as he slowly blinked, sleep wanting to take over Shinsou’s mind.
“Alright, how about you come sleep with Hizashi and me for the night in our bed, and in the morning we can have a proper conversation once we have all had a proper night's rest, okay?” Aizawa says as he nods at Yamada to bring Shinsou into the bedroom.
Yamada slides into bed, motioning for Shinsou to join; Shinsou scrambles into the bed quickly, allowing himself to be engulfed in his ‘pa’s long arms. Aizawa follows them and gets into bed, stretching the covers over the three of them. Together they begin to fall asleep.
Hitoshi decides maybe things will finally be okay.