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It was supposed to be a normal end-of-day routine as Sunghoon was seated calmly at the corner table of the empty café, busying himself on whatever showed up on his laptop screen. The glow from it sharpened his features. His fingers moved steadily across the keyboard, flanked by papers filled with numbers and calculations.
As unusual as it might sound to some, Little Sunghoon had always enjoyed and persevered in any lesson involving numbers, hence his parents had decided to enroll him in numerous math courses since he was very young. Growing up, Sunghoon’s interests in statistics and stuff that revolved around money or large-scale calculations deepened. So it was no surprise, after enduring all the struggle going through the harsh life pursuing his Finance and Accounting degree, that he was now working as the finance lead in a prospective, strategic, well-known-in-the-area café owned by their neighbor.
The Kim family had started their family business when he was little. Maybe when he was 13, barely starting middle school. The wife, Mrs. Kim, had always loved baking. Initially, she just baked by taking orders from their neighbors, assigning her only son to deliver them around. Sunghoon’s family was unexceptionally among their regular customers. By then, her cookies became a staple at gatherings, mandatory treats to be provided whenever they welcomed guests. People claimed that they tasted very authentic home-made so no wonder it easily became the talk of the town. As the demand grew, hiring more workers had become necessary for additional helping hands. You see, their son was a very kind and sweet kid. Though he was very eager to help, she sure knew better than to trust him to lay hands on anything in the kitchen, if they didn’t want to regretfully cancel all the orders due to the blow up of their work-place. So it left him settled with being their reliable delivery guy.
As time went by, Sunghoon understood that one of the reasons the business thrived was on how good their service was. Sunoo, the name of the Kim family’s son who was also their delivery boy, had sort of a knack for marketing even in his very young age. He was younger than Sunghoon by a year, but Sunghoon noted down that his cute and witty demeanor could actually burst hearts into pieces. He was so nice, always leaving a lasting impression on their customers if the wide smile on their lips was the one to go by. No one was really immune to his charm.
Three years later, they, really and finally, opened a whole store to sell the bakes. It was such a relief as Sunghoon noticed how it got harder for Sunoo to deal with school and his grueling delivery schedule. A very harsh reality a raging teenager had to face. His mom even needed to kick his ass so he would wake up. Hence, he thought the decision was fair enough for Sunoo—even though he admitted that it might drive him insane, longing for the cheery voice capable of blossoming a thousand different species of flowers.
But the bright side is—a thing that he had always been internally thankful for—he got to see him every morning now as he could manage to take his usual bus to go to their school. He was glad that he would get in looking a bit fresher—a sight that Sunghoon secretly cherished. Even though they wouldn’t make that much of an exchange, Sunghoon was content enough to settle with this.
Later that night, chilly wind on a December day sipped through their empty store. Disregarding his shivering hands, Sunghoon closed his laptop after finishing the café’s daily report. His mind soon distracted when suddenly someone he knew too well entered the café. Dressed in fluffy clothings, he walked to where Sunghoon was seated. Setting his bag on the chair beside Sunghoon’s before settling into the seat across from him.
Sunoo looked a bit tired today. Even more than the past week, as far as Sunghoon had observed. He noticed the reddened nose knowing the younger was now suffering from cold. Like a silent self-command, a hot peppermint tea had already been served in front of him. Sunoo delivered a low-voiced ‘thank you’ as he gladly had it.
“Why are you here? I thought I told you to get some rest today.” Sunghoon recalled, concern lacing his voice.
“I’m feeling better. Just wanted to come by and see how you’re doing.” Sunoo replied softly.
“I’m doing fine, Sunoo. Nothing to worry about.”
Sunoo, who had taken barista courses, now could contribute more to the café, taking responsibility in making drinks and sometimes helping with some baking. The former bakery got larger demand for dine-in services so they decided to evolve into a full-fledged café which attracted more visitors. Now here they were.
“That’s nice to hear. I’m sorry, still, for not being around.” Though hearing the reassuring statement from Sunghoon, Sunoo still seemed weighed down, his usual cheerful demeanor dimmed.
“We were a bit packed, but nothing we could not handle, really.” Sunghoon's response sounded very calm as to not mentally burdening the younger.
Silence took up a bigger space this time although it was never a new thing for them. Despite his outgoing persona, Sunoo often needed his own space to deal with things Sunghoon would come to understand over time. One thing about Sunoo was that he hated messing things up. While no one actually did, he would rather push himself off and get it done with as soon as possible than to give it a better look and take steps back to examine.
Sunghoon witnessed this the first time when they barely graduated from the university and Sunghoon was still really new to the job. Seeing the resident’s cute kid standing at the corner of the kitchen and dealing with a nosebleed had alarmed him again of who he would really face—how Sunoo actually was. But that was when he began to open up. He expressed that it was nice to have Sunghoon around. Sunoo would jokingly call them vent-mates while acknowledging how exhausting things could get sometimes. Sunghoon never disliked the idea as he gladly signed himself up.
Things took a downturn when losses became inevitable. Sunoo’s father passed away when he was just starting to get a grip on the job. He coped pretty badly. The passing surprisingly didn’t stop the store from operating. It was like he refused the grief from taking over his body, from consuming his whole being. One night, he finally broke down—and he could not stop thinking about his dad, all his dreams for the store, and how he believed he couldn’t bear the weight of fulfilling them on his own. Some nights later, he would sleep by the front counter, resolved not to go home until he found a way to make sense of it all.
Sunghoon didn’t leave on one of those nights. As the lights dimmed, he stayed by Sunoo’s side, crammed under the cold kitchen stainless table. Sunoo, too exhausted to argue, half-heartedly asked him to go home, but eventually gave up and let him stay. In the quiet of the night, Sunghoon opened up about how much he had grown to love the job. It was comically to the extent where it pushed him to pursue his major. Mr. Kim's constant encouragement to help the café out had really gotten him here.
“This café is also my dream, Sunoo. It has always been yours, too. So let’s do this for us as well, yeah?” And that should be enough of a reminder to the younger that he would not go anywhere.
“Hyung,” Sunoo started again, cutting Sunghoon’s moment of nostalgia. Sunghoon was a bit surprised by the long face Sunoo showed, like he was calculating something.
“You know—how busy this café could get, right. So like, I’m thinking—Uh, What do you think of hiring new staff? If necessary, a professional barista, too.”
Sunghoon nodded. His hands now moved to start packing up his stuff as he realized the conversation got a bit more serious in a way.
“If it would be so much of a help, I’m all for it. So it will be five of you for the front counter?”
“No, Hyung.” Sunoo hesitated. ”I think I will.. Take a longer rest. Like for real this time. And it will just be four of them.”
Sunghoon took a longer moment to study Sunoo’s conflicted face. His gaze was fixed on his drink, and his full, healthy lips pressed together so tightly they appeared thinner.
“What’s with the hard look, Sunoo-ya? You are the one owning this café. It is always fine to take a rest. I’m even glad you plan to do so.”
Sunghoon didn’t expect the conversation to halt as silence once again followed afterwards. He thought Sunoo’s lips could start forming bruises now that he pressed it a little too hard. And though they were hidden beneath the table, Sunghoon could imagine those delicate fingers starting to play-intertwines with each other. He could even hear his shoes constantly hitting the wooden floor, nervously creating an erratic beat Sunghoon had a hard time to recognize.
He blinked numerous times trying to make sense of what happened. One unwelcomed thought kept surfacing—a speculation he had long avoided confronting. But he knew Sunoo was too perceptive not to catch on the way Sunghoon always sidestepped the topic. Was this the moment Sunoo would finally bring up about… that guy—the one he occasionally brought to the café? Or was it about other things? Or, really, should Sunghoon question himself instead if he was ready to hear what comes next from the younger’s mouth?
“You can always tell me anything, Sunoo.”
Sunoo’s trembling gaze began to become an unsettling sight to Sunghoon. Discomfort started to reside in his throat as he prepared to swallow the hard pill and asked for his clarification himself. At the end, it was just an attempt to confront his own spiraling thoughts. The ridiculous, relentless belief that had plagued him for months now. Sunghoon remembered it felt like a tug in the chest when Sunoo first brought up that certain guy from one of his classes, back when he was still in college. Sunoo would teasingly draw four hearts on his latte orders, giggling over it that it drew a little attention. It left Sunghoon internally crying, impulsively retreating to the back to light up cigarettes, all the while cursing how utterly pathetic he had become over a crush on the most beautiful man he’d ever known.
“Tell me, Sunoo. Is it your boyfriend?” Sunghoon blurted out before he could stop himself.
“What?”
Sunoo’s irritated expression froze Sunghoon in place, sending a chill down his spine. He sort of expected this reaction. Sunghoon realized not long after that his question might come across as an accusation. A wave of regret washed over him. What happened to hoping to stay by his side for as long as he could? Because now, it felt like he was on the brink of losing everything—though he knew well that Sunoo was better than that. He would listen even if Sunghoon sounded out of his mind. That's just how Sunoo was. But in that moment, he knew there was no escaping the brewing storm of an even nastier argument, and the fear that gripped him was becoming more suffocating.
“That guy—did he do something to you?”
“No, Hyung, What the fuck. What are you talking about?” Sunoo snapped.
“What? You never told me about him, either. How do I know if you guys are doing fine?” Sunghoon pressed, frustration creeping into his tone.
“This is not about him.”
“I know. I’m talking about you.”
Sunoo remained silent for a couple minutes. His hands were visibly shaking. His eyes turned glassy, looking disoriented as tears began to well up. Unbeknownst to him, Sunghoon mirrored his distress. Worry splattered wildly across his face, and his chapped lips palled as the seconds ticked by. The thought of him resting could have brought him more relief than anxiety, but, clearly, Sunoo’s reaction could only lead him to a variety of unlikely positive interpretations.
“Sunoo…” Sunghoon whispered, followed by a defeated sigh. “Is it me? We… We never really talked about work, only occasionally. I think it is necessary to do our own self-evaluation. Should we do it?”
Sunoo pouted so hard, struggling to hold back his tears. His shaky gaze betrayed him as it just urged the tears to fall. It caused a surge of panic in Sunghoon, and on instinct, Sunghoon stepped forward and gently held both of Sunoo’s arms. A moment later, one of his hands moved to rub Sunoo's body part where he landed his hand on.
His heart broke when he gave a small nod. Sunghoon didn’t understand what it meant at first, the silence stretching on as he momentarily lost track of his own thoughts.
So he continued to inquire, “Tell me, okay. Just tell me what I can do, what I should fix.”
Sunoo shook his head then buried his face deeper. Sunghoon hopelessly thought of what actually caused the younger to spiral and that it drove him insane. His cry turned into a sob and Sunghoon thought he might really lose it right now. This made him feel terribly guilty.
“Sunoo-ya ... Breathe slowly and talk to me, please?”
“It’s just—you really love this job and it makes me feel really bad.” Sunoo said suddenly. Sunghoon couldn't help but notice how his voice trembled.
“Hey … you love this job the same. Evaluation is normal, Sunoo. It’s fine. You don’t have to feel bad—”
“And that was just Jaehyun. He is not my boyfriend, Sunghoon Hyung.”
“Sun–”
“I like you, Hyung.” Sunoo finally confessed, his voice breaking. “And I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything by now.”
Now Sunoo looked him straight in the eyes as Sunghoon felt his heart dropped to the ground. His mind spun, and Sunoo’s words echoed in his mind, replaying like an elusive, haunting hallucination. Sunghoon stood still, eyes locked with the set of pretty hazels before him. Suddenly he could hear nothing but the voices in his head handing his delusion its well-deserved flowers—none of this could be real.
“Sunoo, what?”
“Hyung, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this to get more serious because we know we both love this, Hyung. But I ruined it now, didn’t I? I told you I like you and this will surely be over. But then I don’t know how to do all this without you. I can’t see myself handling this without you, Hyung. I even think of getting over this–” Sunoo sobbed harder. Both of his hands made a quick move to cover his face. Crying for his life under its protection.
Sunghoon stood there and stared at the trembling figure, too stunned to react. He left his brain working a bit late tonight because Sunoo said a lot of things at once. Was this his medicine working, because none of this sounded sane to him.
“Sunoo–”
Sunghoon didn’t know anymore, really, and Sunoo’s cries just grew louder, more desperate. Like this, people could really misunderstand him for some violent acts. The sight before him was devastating. The thought of closing the whole thing his family had established just for him felt completely stupid and unrealistic. He wasn’t worthy of the most precious thing they had. Sunghoon thought that Sunoo was just in a complete mess now, . Carelessly not minding how messy he was himself.
“Sunoo, I like you too.” Sunghoon soon debunked.
Sunoo paused, his movements still. After a while, the silence had Sunghoon giggling through his tears. He couldn’t help but adore how animated Sunoo was. He looked so cute like this. When he finally showed his flushed, tear-streaked face, Sunghoon gently moved to cupped it in his hand and felt like crying once again. Because Sunoo was so pretty, and cute, and adorable.
“I don’t know where to begin, or when it started, but I like you—I didn't realize it sooner but I've always been. And I know I always will.” He then continued softly.
“Hyung …”
Maybe he meant it when he thought he could die blissfully like this, with Sunoo reciprocating his feelings, drowning warmly in his embrace. And maybe a little kiss on the lips before it would not be that bad of an idea.
“I’m not sure why you apologized earlier, but since you asked for it, don’t you want to make it up to me with a kiss or two?”