Chapter Text
It took James two years to convince Sirius to spend Christmas with his family. Not that James hasn't tried. He didn’t shut up for two weeks before Christmas in the first year. Every day he came up with new reasons why Sirius should come, new ideas about what they would do over the holidays. And Sirius wanted to say yes even then. He wanted to go to Potter’s house, to see the forest behind the house James always talked about, to listen to the music playing in their living room. He wanted to say yes so much it hurt him, but he couldn’t. His parents wouldn’t let him anyway. But most of all at the dark house he called home was his little brother waiting for him. Little brother, he hasn’t seen in months.
James tried to convince Sirius to come to Potters in their second year. This year he started earlier than last year. Since the first snow fell James was talking Sirius’ ears off. Sirius wanted to meet James’ parents. His best friend always talked so highly of them. They send James letters every two weeks accompanied by sweets to share with his friends. Sirius wanted to go, but all it took was one look at Regulus holding a letter from home describing all the events and tasks they would attend during the holidays and he knew there was no out. He wrote a letter two days before Christmas break asking his parents to let him stay at Potters but Regulus’ panicked eyes when he saw it changed his mind. They will just get mad, Sirius. We can do this, it's just two weeks that’s fine.
Sirius’ third year, he expected to go everything in a similar way until a letter arrived from his parents informing him and Regulus that Walburga and Orion were leaving for a business trip and didn’t have time to be bothered by their sons.
“Reggie!” Sirius laughed holding his brother by his shoulders. His brother gave him a wide grin.
“We get to stay here!” Regulus said excitedly, bumping his fists into the air. “Hogwarts will be so beautiful, I know it.”
“Hogwarts?” Sirius asked, surprised. He was free for the holidays and there was no doubt in his mind where he was going to spend it. It didn’t even cross his mind to stay at the school.
“Yes?” Regulus says as he looks down at the letter, trying to figure out if he understood it wrong. “We… Papa said we don’t have to come home, right? We can stay here.”
“Yes, but I'm gonna go to James’ house. He invites me every year.” Sirius explains and he can see the light in his brother’s eyes dim. Regulus folds the letter, his gaze fixed at his feet.
“I just… I don’t want to be alone, Siri. I thought that we could have Christmas together. It would be like in the books with lights and a Christmas tree and singing. And we could be together the whole day without listening to anyone.” Regulus' bottom lip shivers. Sirius instantly hates it. He can’t stand his brother being sad, not when he knows how bright his laughter can be. He didn’t think when he instantly assumed he would stay with James.
“You can come with me, I’m sure. James won’t mind.” Sirius reassures him. He will ask James as soon as he arrives at their dorms but there is no doubt in his mind James will agree. James and Regulus are friends or very close to being friends. James has always been kind to his brother even if Regulus was annoying, following them around just to talk to them. It’s no secret Regulus desperately wants James to notice him. He is always trying to get attention, to speak to the older boy, to make sure James sees him. It annoys Sirius sometimes how much Regulus idolizes James, but his friend doesn’t mind. On the contrary, Sirius thinks he is enjoying the attention even if it’s from Sirius’ younger brother.
“But I don’t want to stay at another house. I don’t know his family and they have rules and I don’t know the rules and you will be mad at me if I make them mad. And I…” Regulus speaks all the words in one breath, his small fist tightening.
“James says his parents are nice. They always sent me sweets. I will be fine.” It has to be. Sirius thinks. James wouldn’t lie to him. Sirius doesn’t speak about his family, afraid to say out loud how he doesn’t like it at home. It feels like if he spoke the words out loud, his father would know instantly.
“Okay.” Regulus agrees and Sirius knows he doesn’t want to go to Potters, but he allows himself to be selfish for once.
★ ★ ★
The sound of a train always suited Sirius, the regularity of its rhythm lulling him to sleep. But this ride home he can’t hear the train, not over the exciting mumbling of no one other than James Potter. He is sitting next to him, taking his ear off at a hundred miles per hour with all the activities they will do over the break.
Opposite them are Peter and Regulus playing chess in complete silence apart from a few comments about the game. Remus stayed at Hogwarts very pleased no one will be there and he will finally get some peace of quiet. His words, not Sirius’.
James of course wrote to his parents the night Sirius told him about him and Regulus spending the Christmas break at his place. There was no hesitation about Regulus coming too.
“Reg?” James says and his brother's head instantly snaps up. It would be pathetic to see if Sirius didn’t know the feeling of basking in James' presence too well. He was the same in the first year before he got used to being noticed.
“Yes?”
“Is there anything specific you want for Christmas dinner?” James asks him earnestly. Regulus quickly flicks his gaze at Sirius before he fixes again on the boy.
“Nothing special.” He mutters before he remembers his manners. “Thank you.” James frowns but doesn’t comment, already turning back to Sirius.
He is not sure what he expected of James’ home but he shouldn’t be surprised by the warmth of it. There was no way James Potter grew up in a cold house. Sirius was hit with a sweet cinnamon smell the moment he entered the hall. A house elf, Nika, picked them up at the train station and appeared in front of a big house in Godric Hallow. It had a red roof with smoke coming from its chimney. Even from outside it looked inviting by it’s warm light coming from its windows.
“Jamie!” There was a loud voice and Euphemia Potter rushed into the hall. She was wearing a dress, her hair tightened in a bun at the back of her head. James doesn’t even have the time to put down his luggage before he is snatched into a tight embrace, disappearing between his mum's arms. “I missed you, my darling.” She kisses her sun at the top of his head before she cups his face and takes a half step back to look at him properly. “You have grown.”
“Mum,” James whines stepping out of the embrace, his cheeks slightly red. “It’s been a few months and I'm still the same.”
“You are not. When you have your own children you will understand how fast they grow.” Sirius can see James rolling his eyes and he quickly glances at his brother. Regulus is standing further away watching the whole scene with surprised eyes. Sirius gets it, he reacted the same the first time he met Euphemia at the train station. It’s so different from how their parents greet them. Their mother used to hug them too, but when they started Hogwarts it was not proper anymore. Instead, it’s handshakes and nods of greetings. Sirius misses the hugs. The few moments when he felt the love in his mother's arms gone.
“Sirius, I’m so happy to see you,” Euphemia says before also Sirius is folded in a hug. For a moment it makes him freak out, his whole body goes stiff before he convinces himself he is okay. It’s nice. James’ mum smells like cookies and tea. Sirius tries to relax as much as he can.
Euphemia lets him go and reaches towards Regulus who instantly takes a step back, his leg bumping into the door behind him. For a second there is panic there and then nothing. Regulus’ eyes refocus, all the pureblood training kicking in.
“Regulus Arcturus Black,” he says, extending his hand, holding his head high and back completely straight. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting us to your home.”
Euphemia bites back her smile as he with all seriousness takes Regulus’ hand. “Pleasure is on my side, Regulus.”
Regulus gives her a polite smile and lowers his head in a little bow. The moment is broken by a loud laughter escaping James’ lips. Euphemia shoots him a look over her shoulder Sirius can’t see and then leads them to the living room.
“What was that?!” James half whispers to Sirius gesturing his head towards Regulus.
“Greetings?” Sirius explains, confused.
“You guys can sometimes be so weird.” James laughs again and Sirius frowns not understanding what he means.
“Sure, Jamie .” He shoots back with a wink.
“Oi, piss off.” James shows him rolling his eyes.
“Language!” Euphemia says from the other room firmly to his son.
“She can hear everything I swear.” James rolls his eyes but there is a smile on his lips.
★ ★ ★
Sirius and Regulus both get a room to stay in, but James already decided on the train they are not sleeping there. Instead, there are mattresses on the floor of his room so they can all be together all the time. Regulus eyes the mattress in the offence that he is supposed to sleep on the floor but says nothing. Sirius reckons it’s because he doesn’t want to be excluded.
James’ room is chaos in a few minutes when the boy starts pulling out stuff from his closets to show them his toys and magazines, photo albums of the trips he took with his parents, and more random stuff he bought or found including a rock collection.
Sirius knew or at least hoped staying with Potters would be different than being at home. But he was not prepared how much. He always thought all the families were similar. That’s what he saw while visiting their family acquaintances with their parents. But here everything felt upside down, the rules and customs he felt were unchangeable no longer applied here.
How different Sirius’ family was in so many things, even the mundane ones. Like when Regulus and he arrived at dinner the first evening dressed up, meanwhile James and his father were just wearing pants and a simple shirt. The fact they were not only allowed but encouraged to talk during the meals. James and Fleamont washed dishes after dinner the muggle way while Euphemia and Nika rested in the living room by the fireplace knitting together.
Sometimes it made Sirius’ head dizzy with the subtle pain in his chest and how nice it all felt. The Potters took them on a walk to the forest the next day and they built a snowman in the front yard until their hands were freezing. Regulus almost cried when he realized he was allowed to take any book from their library and read in his room without anyone checking up on him.
Even James seemed different. He was still his best friend, loud and chatty. Every room was full when he was there, but he was also calmer. He could just sit in front of the fireplace without talking. He looked relaxed.
It was two days before Christmas when they all sat on the fluffy rug in front of the sofa, hot chocolate in their hands while Effie, yes Sirius is allowed to call her that, read them muggle fairy tales. Effie has a soothing voice that Sirius could listen to for hours. At first, Regulus panicked when they found out it was a muggle book but after assuring him that it’s okay eyes grew twice as wide hanging on every word Effie said.
Right now he is sitting right in front of her, looking up with absolute fascination. From time to time he looks back at Sirius to shoot him a wide smile before he quickly turns back so he won’t miss anything.
“He looks so different here,” James whispers towards Sirius. They are sitting close to each other and their knees are touching. Sirius looks at the back of Regulus’ head, his messy curls shaking a little bit as the boy giggles.
“He is happy.” Sirius breathes out and feels his eyes burn.
“He isn’t happy at Hogwarts?”
“I think he is, but also he gets lonely since we are not in the same house.”
James just nods in understanding. Sirius was so mad when Regulus got sorted in Slytherin. It made him resent his brother. It was James who helped understand Sirius that he wasn't mad but afraid of losing his brother.
“... and they lived happily ever after.” Effie finishes and looks up at the boys sitting in front of her. James yawns, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder.
“Can we have another one, please?” Regulus says and it makes Sirius realize how young his brother actually is.
“Aren’t you tired already?” She asks and Sirius can see the disappointment go through Regulus’ body. “James is already falling asleep.”
“Nah, I’m so awake.” The boy in question mummers not bothering to open his eyes.
“Sure, honey.” She laughs. “Go to bed, otherwise your back will hurt like that.”
James groans but lifts his head, they get up ready to make their way into the room when Effie says. “Regulus, you can stay if you want. We can read one more together. Or maybe you can read one to me now.” She hands him the book. “Pick which one you like.”
Regulus doesn’t even turn to say goodnight to them, too focused on the book in his hands. Sirius leaves him to it.
“Isn’t Regulus tired too? Mum has been reading to us for two hours.” James asks as they make their way up the stairs.
“He is too excited I think.”
“Over stupid fairytales?” James asks, suppressing another yawn.
“Mama never reads to us at home,” Sirius admits and somehow he is ashamed, like it’s their fault they don’t deserve to be read to. Maybe if they were better sons like James his mother would read them too.
James stops to look at him like he grew a second head. “Never, why?”
Sirius just shrugs avoiding eye contact. Why , that’s the question, isn’t it?
“But it makes Regulus happy, why wouldn’t she want to make Regulus happy?”
James asks and it’s another good question. It’s the pity in James’ voice that makes his fists clench. “Leave it.” He snaps and walks past the surprised boy to the room.
That night Sirius dreams about the dark walls of Grimmauld place. He is sitting on the cold floor crying because he wasn’t able to find the book Regulus wanted.
The picture changes and he is in the sitting room at home and Effie is there, hugging him tightly. The embrace feels so safe and warm that Sirius forgets where he is until nails are digging into his shoulder. He quickly pulls away and instead of the kind eyes of Effie, his mother is standing there discussing in her gaze. “What do you think you are doing, Sirius?!” She pushes him away and he stumbles on the ground. There is pain in the left palm of his hand.
“I just wanted to hug you. Like we used to.” He says and there are tears in his eyes. It only makes Walburga more angry. She is towering over him like a dark cloud of an upcoming storm.
“I don’t have time for your pathetic needs. Stop being weak, Sirius Orion Black.” She snarls and drags him up to his feet and down to the hallway.
“I wanted to…” Sirius starts but he is cut off by his mother.
“I don’t care what you want.” She says and shoves him into the dark closet locking the door. “I will let you out when you learn how to behave properly.”
Sirius hates the darkness, the same as Regulus. They were taught from a young age that. Sitting in the darkness is a time for you to think about everything you did wrong. Sometimes their mother made them recite what they learned after she let them out. And sometimes she concluded it was not enough and made them go back. Dark. Cold. Silent.
Sirius tries to calm down but his head is hurting and there are tears on his cheeks. Rationally he knows all he has to do is wait here. It’s not the worst. But the darkness gets thicker and thicker wrapping around his body like a snake. He thinks of the warm hug of Euphemia and gets up, ready to bang at the door of the closet.
He is woken up by a hand on his shoulder. He can still feel his mother’s fingers there. He throws himself away to escape her and hits his elbow into the wardrobe behind him with a loud thud.
“Sirius!” Whisper shouts a voice and Regulus’ dark curls appear in front of him. Sirius can only see the outline of Regulus’ body in the darkness. He hates, not being able to see properly. He reaches out, touching his brother with shaky hands.
“Reggie.” He says, his voice breaking. James stirs at the bed next to them, turning to his other side.
Sirius grips Regulus’ hand and tugs him to the bathroom. As soon as the door is closed Sirius flicks the light on. It does hurt his eyes but something in him settles down. The downside to it is that Regulus can now see him clearly. It is not something new to witness each other cry. On the contrary, it is something soothing not to be ashamed of his emotion. But Sirius hates the worry clearly written on Regulus’ face.
He slides down the wall sitting on the ground next to the sink. He brings his knees to his chest as he always does in these situations. Regulus doesn’t ask, doesn’t comment, he just sits next to his brother, wrapping his arm around his back and resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. They sit in silence and for once Sirius doesn’t mind it. It’s not suffocating when Regulus is here.
“I wish our home looked like James',” Sirius whispers after five minutes of gathering the courage. It doesn’t escape him that Regulus quickly scans the room making sure no one is here.
He waits for his brother to say something but when there is nothing he continues suddenly unable to contain the words. “It feels so warm and safe here. We have been here for days and nothing happened.”
“Monty let me help him with potions yesterday,” Regulus says with a sad sigh. “I didn’t do much because I didn’t want to mess it up, but he let me cut some ingredients.” Sirius feels Regulus lean closer to him burying his face in Sirius’ shoulder. “He said I did a good job. I… I’ve been thinking about it since then. I can’t… Sirius, I can’t remember the last time when Papa said something like this to me.”
“I know.”
Sirius watches the tiles on the wall in front of him. They are turquoise with white flowers drawn on them. They are so pretty, like a flower garden in winter.
“Do you think it’s real?” Regulus asks before they leave the bathroom. Sirius’ hand is already on the knob but he looks back confused.
“What is?”
“Here. Do you think they always act like this? Even when no visitors are here?”
Sirius hopes it is. For James who deserves nothing but happiness and love. But also for himself. For Regulus. Because if it is, it gives him hope. Hope for something better than Grimmauld's place. That they are better ways to have a family. Sirius never liked the idea of having children himself. He knew it was expected of him. To have another heir of the house of Black. There was never any discussion about it and Sirius didn't doubt his fate. He just accepted it, but there in the back of his mind, he hated having children. Especially when he looked at Regulus hiding in his room at Grimmauld Place, the long dinners where they just sit forbidden to speak up. You are supposed to be seen not heard , their father always drilled in them. But now, he could picture it. He could picture having a family and children if he could give them a home-like Potters. To make them laugh and smile, to read to them and play in the snow. That dream felt nice.
“Yes, I really think it is.”
Sirius couldn’t picture a better Christmas. The day of Christmas Eve they all gathered in the living room to decorate a Christmas tree. There were already several in the house but it was traditional to decorate the final one today as James explained them. The fire was cracking and the space was filled with a melody of Christmas carols. Monty brought huge boxes from the storage room full of Christmas ornaments, lights, and fake snowflakes. Effie sat on the ground with Sirius, putting the hooks on the ornaments to pass them to Monty, James and Regulus who were running around the tree putting them up. Effie laughed next to him every time Regulus sneaked after James to rearrange the ornaments the boy carelessly put on.
It started to feel like home. Sirius felt so at ease, running around the house and laughing loudly without a care. Even Regulus joined them smiling widely. They had dinner Effie, James and Nika prepared filled with a variety of Christmas dishes. James ate so much he passed out on the sofa after the dinner exhausted by all of the food which made Regulus scoff in offence.
That night they stayed up late after curfew in James’ room. The room was illuminated by the Christmas lights hanging from the shelves, and walls shooting colourful shades all over the room.
“It’s so much more fun with you guys here,” James says lying on his back on the ground.
“I wish Remus and Peter were here too,” Sirius answered with wishful thinking. He knew Peter always went to North England for Christmas to visit his mother's side of the family. But Remus was in Hogwarts, he could have come with them too.
“I will make Remus come next year,” James says in determination. “He will run out of excuses soon anyway.”
“Hmmm.” Sirius shrugs. He looked up the window wondering what Remus was up to in the castle. Was he sleeping already or was he sitting at the window as always watching the sky? It was a clear night, the moon hanging high casting a silver glow on the forest. It was full two days ago so it is slowly losing its glow.
“Maybe your parents could come too.” James continues snapping Sirius from his wandering.
“What?” Regulus sits up instantly watching James.
“So you could come here next year too when they are not busy. I know it sucks you can’t be with them now. I would miss my parents too, you know. So if they come, we can all spend Christmas together, that would be wonderful.” James continues and Sirius has no idea how to react. He looks up at Regulus for help but the boy only shakes his head. They can’t talk about it. Sirius doesn’t even want to picture what would happen to them if they did.
He clenches his jaw and lies. “Sure, James.”
Sirius knows that the unboxing day will forever be one of his happiest memories. James woke him up early by jumping on his bed accidentally punching him into the stomach. His groan of pain is drowned by James shouting “Merry Christmas!” and hugging Sirius before he jumps up attempting to hug Regulus who digs out of the way. Regulus runs out of the room while James is shouting after him, promising him all the Christmas hugs.
They gather around the Christmas tree by the fireplace. There are Christmas carols Monty is singing while all of them unpack their presents. All three of the children got matching presents of scarves knitted by Effie. James and Sirius are red with gold stars and Regulus is green with silver universe on it. For a long minute, Sirius just stares at the gift. It’s the best one he ever got apart from the wooden toy Regulus once made for him.
He also got more sweets, notebooks for school and new ink in an ornamented inkpot. He feels bad he wasn’t able to get better gifts for Effie and Monty, but they didn’t have enough time and also James was no help in picking up gifts. In the end, Regulus and he settled on a gardening book for Effie that focuses on growing edible plants and a foraging book for rare potion ingredients for Monty. It was embarrassingly little in exchange for Potter's hospitality but Sirius is already planning to send them more gifts when they come back to Hogwarts.
James abandons a few gifts he didn’t unpack and only focuses on a mini version of quaffle that is supposed to improve your quidditch reflexes. Right now the ball is projecting small targets James is hitting with the quaffle that magically comes back to his hand every time.
“I promised your mother, you won’t break anything with it, James. So please be careful.” Monty says, eyeing the quaffle that just flew close to the mugs set on the table.
“Sure!” James grins while Effie gives her husband an I-told-you-so look. Monty just laughs as he shrugs.
Finally, Sirius turns to his brother. Regulus is sitting a little further from the others, the scarf wrapped around his neck. He is watching it in awe, constantly swiping his fingers over the pattern, like it’s the most beautiful thing he ever saw. When he notices Sirius he grins so widely there are dimples in his cheeks. He spreads his new scarf to show it off like Sirius hadn't seen it just a few minutes ago.
“Merry Christmas, Reggie,” Sirius says, hugging the smaller boy.
“Thank you,” Regulus whispers between them. “For bringing me with you.”
★ ★ ★
Sirius’ head feels dizzy from all the sugar they eat during the day. There wasn’t even a moment of quiet. Something was always happening: dancing and singing to the Christmas carols, a competition to have the best score with James’ quaffle, loud conversation about anything or nothing. Now they were running through the house playing tag. Sirius is breathing hard as he runs through the long hallway on the second floor. James is at his feet and they both take the stairs after two. Sirius’ ankle wobbles as he lands at the last step but he doesn’t slow down, making a sharp turn right towards the study room.
He bursts through the doors and suddenly there is a hand on his shoulder, then an elbow in his ribs, legs tangled together and James and him are falling down. They land in the middle of the room with a loud thud, missing the edge of the table just by a few inches.
“Got you!” is the first thing James says after they both manage to catch a breath.
“You almost killed me!” Sirius shoves him off but there is a pure smile on his lips.
“Nah, you just tripped over your own feet.”
“You literally knocked me down.”
They bicker while trying to trip the other one when he is getting up. “You are both idiots,” Regulus says from the chair in the corner, a book nestled in his lap.
“Reggie!” James says too loud, shooting Sirius’ brother a grin. “Don’t insult us like this, I know you love us.”
“Sirius is my brother, I didn’t have a choice there and you: I tolerate.” Regulus
Sirius scoffs dramatically while James waves his hand. “Oh, don’t lie. I know you adore me.” He says in a singing voice.
Regulus just rolls his eyes but Sirius knows better because Regulus truly likes James. Sirius stays lying on the ground, but James is already up, pacing the room. Sometimes Sirius thinks James has limitless energy. Especially with his morning runs that would probably kill Sirius. Or no. Correction. Sirius would rather die than do them.
“Let’s do something.” James muses walking from Regulus’ chair to the door and back. Sirius is sure that if he doesn’t stop soon, Regulus might trip him by the annoyed face he has.
“Do something elsewhere.” His brother says trying to focus on his book. That was a mistake. Sirius can recognize the mischief spark in James’ eyes from miles away.
“Reggie…” James singsongs again, turning his full attention to Regulus. “Do you know what I really want? The cookies my mum baked. They smelled so good.”
“You mean the cookies we are forbidden to take before dinner? Those cookies?” Regulus says in a blank voice.
“Exactly! It will be like a game of spies. You just sneak into the kitchen and take a few of them for us.”
“No,” Regulus says immediately.
James sighs dramatically, too dramatically to be natural and turns away slowly walking to the door. “And here I was thinking you were all grown up. Pity.”
Sirius watches the interaction carefully, ready to laugh at James for failing to persuade Regulus to do anything, especially this.
“Sure,” Regulus says dryly already looking back to his book.
“But not everyone can be fun I guess. Or brave. There can be only a certain number of us chosen ones. I just didn’t expect to be wrong about you.” James continues.
“I can be fun or brave if I want to.” Regulus countercourse.
James swiftly turns towards him. “Prove it to me.”
And Sirius’ breath hitches, because there are not many things James could say to actually make Regulus do it. Except for this one. To ask him to prove himself to James. It’s silly and James doesn’t mean it, Sirius knows it. But going by the look on Regulus’ face, his brother doesn’t. It was a trap and James loured Regulus right into it.
“Fine.” Regulus stands up putting the book down filled with determination.
“Regulus, don’t be stupid.” Sirius finally intervenes. This whole conversation is ridiculous and he won’t let his brother get into trouble because of a stupid bet.
“Don’t tell me what to do, Sirius,” Regulus answers without even looking at him. He is standing right in front of James, glaring at him. Regulus is shorter than James and yet he doesn’t find it intimidating. Sirius can’t read what is happening between them and is very annoyed that he doesn’t understand the silent conversation. And then Regulus is margin out of the room.
“Prongs.” He says in a low voice as a warning.
“He will be fine.” James brushes him carelessly and follows Regulus out.
James and Sirius are crouching in the hallway, peeking from the doorway. They have a clear view of the kitchen door where Regulus disappeared just a minute ago. Sirius is nervous as he can’t shake the bad feeling settling in his stomach. He should say more, he should not have James taunt Regulus.
Before he can spiral into worry Regulus exits the kitchen door, holding several cookies in his hands. He has a triumphant smile on his lips ready to rub his victory in James’ face before the door from the other room opens and Effie walks in.
★ ★ ★
Regulus doesn’t even try to hide the cookies in his hands. Effie saw him anyway, they all know it. Sirius rushes to his side. He doesn’t even think about it. It’s a pure instinct. He and Regulus side by side. Always.
“What were you doing, Regulus?” Effie asks in a calm knowing voice.
Sirius is proud of his brother. He doesn’t look away, he doesn’t hide. He is holding his head high as he answers. “I took the cookies.”
“And haven’t I specifically said, you can’t have them before dinner?” She holds out the now empty plate, where the cookies used to be.
“You have, ma’am.” Regulus places the stolen cookies on the plate before he stands back waiting.
“Regulus, there is a reason why. I want you all to have a proper meal before sweets. Next time, I would be glad if you listened to me. You are a guest here, but that doesn’t mean rules don’t apply to you, okay?”
Regulus shuffles from foot to foot, his hands neatly clasped behind his back. Sirius can see how tightly Regulus is gripping his own wrist. He wants to reach out, to make his brother relax before he hurts himself. He doesn’t. He knows he is not allowed to speak, it would only make it worse for Regulus. He could try and lie, to say… something to make the blame take on himself. But Euphemia could easily look into his mind to see the truth. That it was James’ idea and Regulus agreed.
“I’m glad this has been settled. Off you go.” Euphemia dismisses them ready to turn back again. Sirius risks a glance at his brother. His jaw is trembling slightly before he takes a deep breath and suddenly his face is blank again.
“Can I please take my sweater? It’s cold.” Regulus asks, looking at the floor. Sirius holds his breath. Everything in him tenses up. It takes an eternity for Euphimia to react. She doesn’t even turn around.
“Sure.”
Sirius exhales only after Euphemia leaves the room. Everything was so perfect and for a second Sirius made himself believe it would stay like this. Now everything is ruined. Euphemia is mad at them. Well, Regulus, but Sirius and Regulus are one. Regulus is trying very hard not to tremble. Sirius sees the sadness in his eyes when he looks at him. The light that was there before is gone and all there's left is a blown-out candle.
“It was my fault, I’m sorry,” Regulus says to his brother before he makes his way upstairs to their room.
The thing is, it wasn’t Regulus’ fault. Not entirety. It was James’. He should have known better, he never should have told Regulus to do it. He is older, he is supposed to protect the younger. James should have known, Regulus would do it, just because it was James asking. Sirius would be the same after all.
He should have been angry at James. His best friend was the reason why Regulus was being punished. And yet… and yet he can’t make himself. Somewhere deep down he is aware of how twisted it is, that he is basically betraying his own brother. But apparently hating James Potter is something Sirius is incapable of. His stomach turns at the dilemma. His brother vs his best friend. Instead, Sirius decides to hate himself. It was always easiest. He needs to keep it together. His little brother will need him after.
Everyone goes with their evening. Euphemia is in the kitchen with Nika cooking dinner. The dinner Regulus was looking forward to. Monty is there with them. James is in the living room playing with the quaffle like nothing happened. He talks to Sirius who is pretending to listen. Instead of the words James is saying he can hear his mum and dad. Wrong. Incapable. Irredeemable.
James is showing him a new trick he learned but all Sirius can see is Regulus’ trembling hands. You always destroy everything.
He keeps glancing from the clock to the window. The sun is setting fast and there will be dark soon and yet the door from the kitchen won’t open. He prays Euphemia would come back and tell them she forgave Regulus. The clock is ticking behind him making Sirius’ stomach painfully turn.
“...and if you catch it like this…” James is speaking but Sirius ignores him. He has to do something. Before he decides he is walking into the kitchen. Monty is leaning against the kitchen counter with a spoon in his hand while Effie is laughing loudly.
“Excuse me?” Sirius says more quietly than he meant to. He clears his throat. You will speak properly, Sirius. “Can I please turn the lights outside? It’s getting really dark and… and Regulus doesn’t like darkness.”
“Oh, yeah sure, whatever you want,” Monty says. Sirius has to fight himself not to run out of the room before they change their mind. He is almost out of the door when Monty continues. “Sirius, can you please remind James we are dressing up for dinner? It will be ready in twenty.”
All he is capable of is a nod. His heart gives a painful thud at the smell of the kitchen. All the food, even onion soup Regulus loves so much. He quickly waves his wand to the lights outside to turn them on. He runs upstairs without even pausing to tell James. His trunk is in the back of the room. He curses he didn’t organize his stuff. Clothes are falling out of the trunk as Sirius frantically looks for specific trousers. He almost gives up thinking he just left them in the school when he finally finds them under James’ bed.
He changes and puts his hands into the huge pockets. It’s not much but it will do, he has practised in it already anyway. He knows how much food he can hide there without drawing attention. He won’t be able to save Regulus the soup he loves but he can steal him at least some food. And that’s always better than nothing.
“Oh, I’m so hungry!” James says as he bumps Sirius’ shoulder on their way downstairs. Sirius’ stomach growls in agreement.
“Where is Regulus?” James asks stupidly and turns around like he could spot Regulus just walking downstairs. Sirius tights his fists, trying not to snap at his best friend.
“Don’t.” is all he is capable of. One thing is to get Regulus into trouble but the whole nother is to mock the other for being punished. Why would you even do it? James was always the kindest person Sirius knew, kind people are not cruel. He wraps his hand around his torso. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe kind people are only kind to the people they choose. Or maybe people like Regulus and he doesn’t deserve kindness at all. Should he just leave and join Regulus?
The dining room is lit by candles. There is soft music in the background. Effie and Monty are already sitting by the table waiting for them. On the table, there is so much food Sirius is not sure what he wants to eat first. Everything is beautifully plated. It seems like a perfect Christmas dinner. The picture shatters when Sirius sees the empty chair where Regulus would sit. He could picture him so easily. Eyeing all the food and chatting with Monty about potions. He would keep swinging his legs under the table when no one was paying attention, just too happy to keep still.
Sirius sits down next to James, his hands folded in his lap. Suddenly he is not hungry anymore.
“James! Wait for Regulus.” Effie shoots James a glare when he reaches out for a chicken in the middle of the table.
Sirius snaps his head up at this, his mouth opened in shock. “Is… Is Regulus allowed to join us?” He can’t suppress the hope inside him.
“What do you mean?” Monty asks, his eyebrows frowning.
Sirius looks between Effie and Monty, trying to understand what is happening. “He took the cookies.”
“What cookies?” Monty asks his wife for an explanation.
Effie just waves her hand. “Nothing. He just took some cookies before dinner. But I already talked to him.”
Sirius watches the couple talking, trying to figure out what this all means. Monty brushes the cookies incident without any comment and changes the topic like it is nothing. His dad would never. He would want to know what Regulus or Sirius did. Sometimes Sirius thought it was the only time he was interested in his sons.
“Sirius?” James suddenly asks, attracting everyone's attention. “Where is Regulus? I haven’t seen him… since he went to his room.”
“He…” Sirius starts but the words die on his tongue. He starts looking around confused. Everyone is watching him so he just hopelessly repeats. “He stole food.”
“Yes, but where is he?” James presses.
“I don’t… What is happening? He stole food, he is outside.” He explains slowly like everyone in the room suddenly stopped speaking English.
Effie puts her mug on the table too fast, making Sirius flinch. He didn't mean to and he tried to mask it as a shrug but going by the thick atmosphere he hadn't succeeded. Effie gets up and crosses the table. No one speaks. Sirius looks to James, the only safety he has. James is already looking back but instead of understanding and support all he can find on his face is confusion. Effie crouches next to his chair. She opens her mouth to speak but then nothing comes out of her mouth.
Sirius doesn't get out of the chair no matter how much he wants to run. He is not allowed to leave the table until he is dismissed. Effie looks at him and Sirius waits for the familiar sensation of someone invading your mind.
“Sirius, honey,” she starts in a soft slow voice. “Can you please explain to me why you are scared?”
“I'm not,” he answers automatically.
“Honey, you are shaking.” she gestures toward Sirius hands in his lap. He quickly claps them together to hide the tremor. “I wanna help you, but I need to know what is happening.”
“I don't want to get Regulus in more trouble,” he whispers.
“You won't. I'm gonna hold your hand okay? And then you will tell me what is happening.”
She reaches out and Sirius half expects pain instead of a warm touch. He opens his eyes he doesn't realise he closed at, and stares at Effie’s hand on his. She is not grabbing or pouncing. She just holds him, swiping her fingers over his at a soothing pace. “Where is Regulus?”
“He didn't come back. He knows he can't before you tell him to. Please don't be mad at him, he won't do it again I swear.”
“Came back from where?”
“He stole the cookies,” Sirius repeats for what he feels is the tenth time.
“I know, but what does it mean?”
“He is outside waiting for you to forgive him.”
There is a loud bang that echoes through the room. Suddenly James is standing up, and the chair falls on the ground behind him. “He has been outside this whole time?!” he shouts.
“James.” Monty interrupts holding his hand to silence his son.
“I'm not mad at Regulus. Why does he think he has to be outside?”
“Because he stole the cookies. Mum and dad, they… that's what you do,” he whispers again frantically looking around the table with an expression of cornered animals.