Chapter Text
James knew that he shouldn’t be drinking at the ripe age of fourteen, he really did, but it was so hard to resist when Sirius’ logic was so incredibly good.
“Prongs, all I’m saying is you deserve to just sit back and relax a bit.” Sirius had said to him for the millionth time that day with a small smile, “you’re the only reason we won today.” It was clear that Sirius was over exaggerating as he usually did with everything, and James had come to accept that it was just part of his charm.
“Come on now, Sirius, you did a great job keeping James from getting a bludger to the face.” Peter joked, nudging Sirius gently with his elbow. James shuddered remembering the close call with the bludger. If he was hit, he wouldn’t have had the chance to score as much as he did that game, and James was incredibly proud of just how many times he got the quaffle past Ravenclaw’s keeper. On top of that, James really just didn't want to get hit in the face.
Sirius shoved Peter away from him with a giggle, sticking his tongue out like he did when they were twelve. Peter might be often overshadowed by the more outspoken Marauders, but his role in the group was just as integral and important as everyone else.
If it wasn’t for Peter, Remus would have lost his mind years ago. (Which definitely would have gone terribly wrong for Sirius and James.) In addition to that, Peter was the most calm and rational member of the group, other than Remus, and was always willing to lend a shoulder to cry on.
James locked eyes with Remus, who was unimpressed to say the least.
“Don’t feel inclined to do anything you don’t want to, James.” Remus told him sternly, a fond smile fighting its way onto his lips as he observed the other boys. James nodded silently, he wasn’t worried in the slightest. He was incredibly stubborn after all. If James Potter did not want to do something, he did not do it.
That being said, when the party started kicking it up a notch, it was no one’s fault but his own when he had just a couple drinks and already felt the world starting to spin.
He was on his third drink when James realized just how low his tolerance was. The room was doing a funny, kind of swirly thing that James assumed is the same thing Sirius describes when he’s had too much. Great timing, right? The night had barely begun, and the world had already started to tilt sideways. James honestly had no one to blame but himself, what else did he expect after jumping in headfirst like a bloody fool?
“Hey, mate,” James nearly fell out of his skin, blinking a couple times like he was trying to focus through a fog. “Woah, easy, it’s just me.”
Upon realizing it was just Sirius, James grabbed onto Sirius’ shoulder to steady himself, and Sirius, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, slung an arm around him in an awkward side hug. James almost toppled over from the weight of it, but luckily he managed to stay steady. He was wobbly sure, but not completely out of it. Not yet at least.
James cursed himself for being not being able to think clearly, but he was still thankful that it was just Sirius, if it was anybody else, this would’ve been so awkward. (And he probably would have face-planted to tell you the truth.)
“Hey, Pads, you having fun there?” James snorted, carefully untangling himself from Sirius’ grip. He had to take a second to make sure his vision wasn't swaying before he managed to sling Sirius’ arm over his own shoulders.
He took a moment to really take in the sight of Sirius, and he was absolutely sloshed to the point where James had to bite his lip to not immediately burst into hysteria at the very sight of him.
It wasn’t like James had any room to judge, seeing as he was struggling to keep it together himself. He was still trying to ignore the fact that the room had become distinctly more wobbly since their conversation began. James wasn't used to this feeling at all and he wasn't sure how to feel about it.
James was always the one taking care of Sirius when he’d had just a bit too much to drink, but tonight, James was more lenient than usual to say the least. Even though he’d seen Sirius this drunk a million times, tonight felt different. It was funnier when Sirius slurred his words, or almost lost balance––And even funnier when James himself did the same. It was strangely comfortable to be drunk when he was with Sirius, he couldn't even remember if he was nervous before.
The rest of the conversation with Sirius was a blur, for the most part his brain was focused on trying to catch up with his mouth. What had they been talking about again? James shook his head, feeling the soft buzz of alcohol settle deeper into his skin. The party was still going strong, so that meant… What did that mean again? Oh right, Lily.
He glanced around, his vision blurring, and the faces in the sea of Gryffindors seemed to melt together. After several attempts at focusing, and at least several more times of mistaking different people for her, he finally spotted Lily. James quickly said his goodbyes to Sirius, watching as he tripped over his own feet on the way over to the couch. James couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight, but eventually regained part of his composure. Once James was sure that Sirius was safe and sound, he set out to find Evans.
“Evans!” he called through the crowd, trying to get her attention. Lily was engaged in a hushed conversation with Remus, so James felt more comfortable randomly walking up to join their discussion.
Lily and Remus looked up at James like deer in headlights as he walked over, which in turn, caused James to look himself up and down in confusion. Did I spill something on my clothes?
“Oh, hey, James.” Remus greeted, clearing his throat awkwardly. Lily gave him a look that James couldn’t quite decipher. Seriously, what did he have on him?
“Do I have something in my teeth?” James asked, leaning in a bit too close, then grinning a little too wide. “You two are staring at me like… like I killed your pets or something.” And to James’ horror, he hiccuped.
His face flushed as he realized that the words were out his mouth before he even had time to process them. He wasn’t even sure why what he had said would even seem remotely funny at the time, but his smile still stuck like glue, as if that would solve his dilemma.
Deep down, James’ mind was on overload, why were they looking at him like that? Had he done something to upset one of them? James loved Remus just as much as he did Lily, in a different way of course, but still-
“No, no, you don’t,” Lily grabbed James by the arm, pulling him away from his thoughts, “listen, I have to talk with you.”
“Okay.” he responded with a shrug. Honestly, he could get used to Lily’s hand on his arm, the feeling it brought was intoxicating. Lily had never willingly wanted to talk to James before. Sure, they'd had conversations before outside of James' very successful flirting, but those conversations typically didn't last long.
“In private.” Lily urged, shooing James to a more secluded corner of the common room, peering around to make sure no one was watching them. She seemed incredibly on edge, and James was getting nervous.
The butterflies that James felt when Lily was around were usually gentle, and provided him with a soft warmth. But right now, they were flapping wildly, clawing away at him from the inside.
“What’s up?” James shifted his weight from side to side, his anxiety was gnawing away at him.
Lily released his arm and stared at him for a moment, almost like she pitied him. He didn't like the feeling of shame that came with it and for the first time he wanted Lily's eyes off of him immediately.
Then she spoke, “James, look, you are a really really great guy, as much as I hate to admit it sometimes.”
Okay... So she hated him, that’s what it was. That had to be it, one sentence in and James had clearly cracked the code!
“Thanks,” James awkwardly cleared his throat, desperate for the dryness to go away, “I guess.” Lily nodded with a shy smile, which only brought James more anxiety, even though anyone you’d ask would suspect the opposite.
“But,” of course there’s a but, “I can’t go out with you. Ever.”
Lily paused, looking over James once more. He felt like something inside him crack, James knew it was crazy, but he truly had convinced himself over the past couple of years that he could convince Lily Evans that he was worthwhile. He was always original with his pursuits.
Last year, James had learned Lily's favorite muggle song and begged Remus to show him how it went. Remus was very hesitant at first, but even he was not immune to James' charm. (And begging. James did quite a bit of that too.) The next day in the dining hall, James summoned all of his courage and stood up on the table and sang it obnoxiously loud to Lily. Sirius had thought it was the best thing in the world, clapping along to the beat, but Lily had not seemed to agree. After breakfast, she pulled him aside in the hall and berated him. It was then made very clear to James that music was not the way to her heart.
James tried to offer her a small smile, he didn’t want to make her feel bad for not wanting to be with him. There was nothing wrong with turning him down after all, maybe the smile would convince both himself and Lily of this.
“James, it’s nothing you did,” Lily explained finally, biting her lip anxiously, “I’ve recently come to a conclusion that I honestly wasn’t expecting at all before.”
James was beyond confused now, was Lily okay? His thoughts quickly shifted from ‘ She hates me,’ to, ‘ Is she okay?’ and, ‘Does she need help?’
“A conclusion?” James replied, voicing his confusion very outwardly.
Lily sighed, “Can you keep a secret?”
James nodded, he had no problem keeping anyone’s secrets, especially Lily’s if she was willing to trust him with any. Lily locked eyes with James and grabbed his arm again, and he couldn’t help but slightly blush at how direct she was being. James knew she didn’t want him, but he couldn’t help how he felt when her eyes pierced through his soul and her face was mere inches away from his.
He could feel her breath leave tingles on the back of his neck as she raised her lips to his ear.
“I think I’m lesbian.” Lily whispered hurriedly, quickly pulling away and glancing around the room. With this kind of paranoia, you’d think she committed a war crime.
To anyone on the outside of their bubble they seemed to have formed in this corner, it may have looked like they were about to kiss just then, which honestly James really wouldn’t have minded about five seconds ago.
“Oh,” James blinked, letting the words sink in.
For a second, his brain, in its fog, couldn’t quite catch up to the words, almost as if they were right out of reach. It was as if he was hearing the words underwater, which made sense since his brain was struggling to process anything at the moment.
And then, it clicked. Instead of feeling anger or frustration, a weird sense of peace washed over him. He’d been chasing a fantasy he never could have all this time. He felt a little stupid for not realizing sooner, but honestly? There was something relieving about her confession. “That’s it?”
There really was nothing he could have done to change her mind about him, at least in that way. To James’ surprise, he was at peace with that. He'd thought he could convince her with time, in fact James could’ve sworn she even flirted with him once or twice. Looking back, however, it was plain obvious that she was just not into him.
By the way Lily was gaping at him, it was clear she was just as surprised as he was. She was truly at a loss for words, and the way her mouth hung open kind of reminded James of a fish––but of course he'd never say that to her face.
“You’re not upset?” Lily asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She couldn’t look him in the eyes as she spoke, and James’ chest tightened as he saw her in front of him letting herself be seen completely stripped of everything she pretends to be. It reminded him of Remus when he had told Sirius, James, and Peter that he liked guys.
James remembers just how anxious he was to tell them, but once he did it was visible just how much lighter he was. At first, James was a bit weary around Remus, but not because he was gay of course. James was just constantly worried that he would say the wrong thing and offend Remus, especially since he was one of his very best friends, but James had never thought any differently of him. He didn't care about that, in fact, it was kind of a win for James if he ever realized he liked blokes––he wasn't scared to admit that Remus was a very very attractive guy.
Looking at Lily in that moment very much reminded him of Remus, and he wanted to reach out to comfort her in any way possible. Words were hard to piece together right away, but James didn't want to leave her hanging at all. Without much thought, he slowly lifted his arms, leaving them open for Lily to hug him if she felt she needed to.
Lily silently watched him for a moment, as if she was trying to decipher whether or not he was a threat. In a way, it reminded James of a wild animal. After a moment, she seemingly decided that James was safe and pressed into his arms.
“No, of course not,” James reassured, finally finding the words. He held her tight as if he could shield her from all pain and heartache, “I’m sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable.” When Lily pulled back and looked up at him, James smiled, but it was a little wobbly. Everything seemed to be wobbly tonight.
Her smile back was soft, clearly relieved, “It’s no worries. You didn’t know.” James nodded, a weight lifted that he hadn’t even known was there before.
Just as she was about to turn to leave, James grabbed her arm last minute. Lily turned back, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.
“Friends?” James asked, his goofy grin from earlier making a comeback. If he couldn’t be with Lily the way he wanted, at least he still got to have her in his life. Having some Lily was better than having no Lily, and right now, it actually felt really good to be there for her. That was enough for him.
“Friends.” Lily agreed, her voice warm. And this time, James smiled––not the goofy one he wore before, but a genuine smile. A small part of him still wished for more, but tonight it was enough just being there for her. He was content as he watched her disappear back into the party, and James felt an odd sense of peace in that too.
Not even an hour later, James was not at peace anymore. In fact, James had found himself in an intense conversation about trolls with Peter. Well, not really a conversation, more of Peter talking at him and James nodding along with it. As much as James loved Peter, he could not stand hearing him talk about trolls.
To say James was bored was an understatement. In fact, James would rather be locked in a room with Sirius’ mother–– and the unnecessary scoldings he’d have to listen to if he were her son––than endure Peter’s surprisingly detailed, and equally as long rant. If given the choice between another minute of this, or the bludger that almost caved in his face earlier, James wouldn’t hesitate for even a second. The bludger would win every time.
Peter was so into it and James knew deep down that he should care. He really did want to care, but there was no pretending that trolls were the very last thing on James’ mind. He had just about a million other things to think about, and the room was still spinning, and it hard to focus. This conversation was a prison, just another thing he couldn’t escape from.
He’d never had an interest in the beasts, and likely never would. Not like Peter anyways, who was currently gesturing wildly, like Slughorn in the middle of a passionate speech about yet another potion James would never need. At this point, James could barely follow the conversation and the floor looked like it was melting. (He made a mental note, that he would likely forget, to ask Sirius later what was in those drinks.) He tried desperately to focus, but all James could think about was how much longer this could possibly last.
Desperate to find some kind of escape, James muttered something about being ‘too knackered to live’ and needing to lie down before he ‘passed out right there.’ However, when James finally did lie down in his bed, his eyes refused to stay shut it didn’t matter what he did. It was the strangest phenomenon, like the universe was playing some kind of sick joke on him, and James found it thoroughly antagonizing.
He spent the entirety of five whole minutes––an eternity in his current, disoriented state––weighing all of his options before he rose up from his bed, despite his exhaustion, and grabbed his wand with a sigh. He had come to the conclusion that the best solution was to just take a walk and then come back once he felt tired enough to go to sleep. It wasn’t his favorite idea, but it was the best one. The other solutions included waking Sirius for the most part, but based on how loud the snoring coming from under his covers was, that felt like a death wish. James valued his life a bit too much for that.
James practically tip-toed across the room, praying that he wouldn’t make a sound. He grabbed his invisibility cloak and the Marauders’ Map––an enchanted piece of parchment that showed everyone’s whereabouts in Hogwarts at all times. He hesitated for a moment to debate any other of the ridiculous options he had to choose from, before ultimately deciding that this was, realistically, his best bet at getting any rest tonight.
With a frustrated sigh, James quickly threw the cloak over himself and slipped out of the room without making a noise. At least he hoped he didn’t make a noise, the last thing he needed right now was to disturb his friends with his midnight adventure.
As James passed through the common room undetected, he noticed Lily and Marlene McKinnon, a good friend of his since first year, talking amongst themselves quietly.
“Look, all I’m saying is that if you want her, you have to talk to her.” Lily told Marlene with a raised brow.
Marlene groaned in response, “I know, I know! But when she talks to me, I just freeze up and don’t know what to say, and then all that comes out is word vomit.”
Yeah, nope, this is not my business. James quickened his pace, certain that he had heard more than he was supposed to. He’d suspected for a while that Marlene might be queer, but it wasn’t his place to make any assumptions. If she wanted him to know, she would tell him. With that, James shoved the conversation to the very back of his mind, as far as it would go at least.
As soon as James was sure no one was looking, he slipped out of the common room with ease, like he’d done it a hundred times before, (probably because he has), and set out to run about the castle. James opened the map to make sure he wouldn’t run into any prefects, just in case, and noticed something rather peculiar.
Regulus Black. Out of his common room. After curfew.
James raised an eyebrow. He’d always pegged Regulus as the strict rule-follower type. Yet, there he was in the middle of the night, on the Astronomy Tower.
This’ll be good.
As James made his way to the Astronomy Tower, which was four floors above the Gryffindor common room, he thought about why Regulus might be up and out past curfew.
Was he upset? Did something happen? Maybe he was just doing his astronomy homework? Or… maybe some sort of secret mission?
James smirked at the thought. Maybe Regulus was secretly a rebel––everyone’s very own reluctant hero––but then again, probably not. From what James could tell, he wasn’t the type to go off-script .
This was definitely weird though, and it wasn’t just because Regulus was out past curfew. That was honestly not the weirdest thing he could think of someone doing, but it was the fact that Regulus Black––the model student, who followed the rules like they were law––was breaking them. If James was being honest, his brain was struggling to make sense of it all, but that was understandable considering there was probably still the tiniest amount of alcohol still in his system.
James couldn’t help but smile at the idea that perhaps Regulus had finally snapped out of his mother’s suffocating grip––maybe even forming his own personality while he was at it, instead of the mold his mother had set for him, but James knew that it was unlikely. Regulus just didn’t seem the type to speak out, whether it was against his mother, teacher, bully, you name it. James wasn’t sure if it was because he was scared, or if he just didn’t care enough to.
But then again, the guy had always been a prick. James knew that from personal experience.
James remembered the first time he’d met him. It was his second year on the train to Hogwarts, and James was buzzing with excitement waiting for Sirius to arrive with his brother.
Sirius had spent all of their first year telling his friends how amazing his little brother was, and how he couldn’t wait for them to meet him the next year. However when they did meet him, it wasn’t what James had expected it to be like at all.
Sirius had brought Regulus into their compartment, eyes sparkling as he introduced him to everyone. But even as Sirius introduced Remus and Peter, Regulus’ gaze stayed fixed on James. At first James thought it was just a momentary lapse, or something like that, but his eyes remained glued to James. He hadn’t known it at that moment, but Regulus had seemingly taken one look at James and decided that he didn’t like him.
It was especially embarrassing for James when he decided to introduce himself before Sirius could, even outstretching his hand for Regulus to shake with a bright grin on his face. Only to be shot down immediately as Regulus just stared at him with an emotionless expression on his face––no handshake, no smile, absolutely nothing. The air in the compartment had gone completely still, and James coughed awkwardly as he felt a flush creeping up his neck. As soon as they reached Hogwarts, you can bet Effie immediately got a long and distraught letter from James after the opening ceremony asking her why someone wouldn’t like him.
However, even though James and Regulus were definitely not friends, that didn’t mean that James wished the boy any ill-will. In fact, James was actually quite nice to Regulus. Maybe even too nice, it was to the point that James may have been actually trying to kill him with kindness. Regulus always glared at him in response, or fired off an insult that was so witty that James couldn't even be mad about.
Sometimes he’d see him in the halls and would have the overwhelming urge to trip him, just to see that smug smirk wiped off his face, but that didn’t mean he’d want anything serious to happen to him. He was Sirius' little brother, and if Sirius loved him then James could find it in himself to be civil at the very least. Maybe that was why James was more interested in what Regulus was doing up this late, more than just taking a simple walk to calm his nerves.
As he finally climbed up the winding staircase, each step James took caused a subtle creak in the floorboards beneath him. He could hear his blood pumping in his ears––the castle was always silent at this hour, but the eerie stillness made James paranoid––with each groan of the wood beneath him, James felt like he was doing something he shouldn’t be. Which was definitely weird because James didn’t typically have that problem, especially since the amount of pranks the Marauders would perform frequently was incredibly high.
James reached the top of the staircase and took a deep breath. He just wanted to check on Regulus, that was all. He didn’t understand him yet, but he wanted to. Maybe this was the first step, who knew? After all, Sirius wouldn’t have sung his praises that first year if all there was to him was snide remarks and perfect posture. James had always wanted to know where it all went wrong, what happened to the boy Sirius had described? This could be his chance to find out.
Was it wrong to intrude on Regulus like this? Probably. However, James couldn’t help himself. He needed to see if there was anything human left in the boy, or if Walburga had sucked that out of him too. He wanted to see the warmth that Sirius had once spoken of, the kind that meant Regulus still had a heart in there somewhere. He took a deep breath, collecting all his thoughts, and then hesitantly opened the door.
James didn’t know what he had expected previously, but it certainly wasn’t this. Regulus was leaning on the railing, back to him, eyes fixed on the stars. He looked almost serene, like something out of a painting, as the moon bathed him in a soft glow. There was something almost peaceful about him. It was a side to Regulus that James had never seen, and it threw him off balance. The only sound was the quiet breeze of night air, and the distant hum of the castle. He didn’t show any signs of noticing the door creak open, nor did he seem to care.
Normally, Regulus would have his wand trained on the door the moment it opened––sharp, alert, his gaze cold and calculating. But tonight, there was none of that. No wand, no hexes. Instead, he stood like a statue, and all James could see was a boy lost to the night sky, oblivious to the world around him.
James hesitated, the weight of the moment settling on him. With a slow, deliberate movement, he pulled the cloak over his head and let it fall to the ground. He took a step forward cautiously, uncertain on whether it was toward friendship or certain doom. But either way, he wouldn’t know unless he walked towards Regulus.
“What do you want, Potter?” Regulus asked, unmoving, his voice flat and distant. James couldn’t seem to put his finger on it––was it boredom, exhaustion, or something else? Whatever it was, it made his shoulders tighten with unease.
The silence in the air felt louder than any words, eating away at James. He refused to let Regulus’ indifference throw him off, but the longer it lasted, the more frustrated he became. After the initial shock of being caught as well as hesitating for a moment, James decided to deflect the question entirely. He wasn’t there for a confrontation, at least not yet.
“How did you know it was me?” James asked, blinking in surprise. Regulus hadn’t even looked down to see before he spoke, hell, even now he still had his gaze fixed on the stars as if James didn’t matter. It didn’t make sense––he hadn’t made a sound, hadn’t done anything that would give him away… other than taking the cloak off. But Regulus hadn’t even looked at him for confirmation, how the hell did he know?
Regulus finally turned around, leaning his back against the railing now with his arms crossed, and rolled his eyes, “You’re the only one who would be stupid enough to roam the castle after curfew, let alone bother me.”
Oh, well yeah, that made sense then. Wait, no it didn’t.
“What about the prefects?" James asked, raising an eyebrow. Regulus glared at James, his eyes piercing through him, and James met it head-on.
He hadn’t realized before how Regulus’ normally blue eyes seemed to morph into a silvery sheen in the moonlight, making him look more dangerous. More distant. Then again, he’d never had the chance to see them in the moonlight before.
James cleared his throat awkwardly, realizing Regulus was waiting for him to say more. “Don’t they, uh… have rounds that they do up here?” His voice came out smaller compared to how he usually spoke, as if it was betraying him.
“I’m a Black, Potter,” Regulus scoffed, his voice dripping with disdain. “Do you honestly think the prefects would dare report me?” Oh wow, isn’t he just a bundle of joy?
Now it was James’ turn to roll his eyes. “Right, I forgot. Everyone must bow down to the Noble House of Black. ” It felt good to mock Regulus. He wasn’t usually one to take shots at anyone unless they deserved it, but with Regulus… there was something so satisfying about wiping the snide look off his face. It felt better than James cared to admit.
“The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” Regulus corrected with a smug look on his face, as if saying that gave him the upper-hand over James.
James rolled his eyes, giving Regulus a look that clearly said, ‘Really?’ Regulus shrugged, smirking like he’d just won something, and James felt his irritation flare up even more.
Merlin, he’s so annoying.
“Real mature, Reggie.” James mumbled, crossing his arms defensively. He knew Regulus hated the nickname, especially since it was one Sirius used to call him.
Was it petty? Definitely. But there was something so satisfying about getting under Regulus’ skin, even if it was childish. James wasn’t proud of it, but he simply couldn’t help it. After all, James was nothing if not petty when it came to Regulus––or any of Sirius’ family for that matter.
"More mature than you, I'd imagine." Regulus grumbled, his demeanor shifting ever so slightly. James gritted his teeth in frustration. Despite James successfully getting under his skin, Regulus still managed to get right under James' as well. It was infuriating.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Regulus scoffed, "It means I don't get drunk on a school night for starters."
James crossed his arms, unable to help the glare he proceeded to shoot at Regulus. James usually opted for killing him with kindness, but in his still slightly disoriented state he wondered if killing him for real was an option. Just wrapping his fingers around his throat and squeezing until-
Wait, how does he know?
"Is it that noticeable?" James asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He thought he was doing a good enough job of hiding it, but apparently not.
Regulus rolled his eyes yet again, "You reek of alcohol, it's not hard to put two and two together."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
Well, this is awkward.
"So..." James trailed off, unsure of what to say. Usually he could fill silences with ease, but with Regulus, it was different. He was staring through James in a way that made his skin crawl, and his thoughts hard to process. The way Regulus observed people reminded him of a cat, silently waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. "How's life?"
Regulus blinked, "How's... life?"
"Yeah, you know.." James fumbled with his words, searching for the right thing to say. "Like-"
"I know what you mean, Potter, I'm not a fool." Regulus grumbled, looking James up and down once again. "I just don't understand why you're asking me this." James' face flushed red, this was embarrassing. Really embarrassing.
"To be nice?" James didn't have a particular reason to ask him the question in the first place, it just was an attempt to talk to Regulus. He really didn't like it when he stared at him like he could see the inter-workings of his mind. Talking was much preferred compared to that, even if the person he was speaking to was Regulus.
"No one is just nice. What do you want, Potter?" Regulus replied, clearly starting to get agitated. Why was it so hard to just convince him that James was a good guy that was here talking to him with no ulterior motives? He wasn't some mastermind here to hurt Regulus, he was just James.
"I don't want anything from you, Regulus." James told him softly, furrowing his brows. Merlin, Regulus was more stubborn than Sirius. And that's a feat James thought no one could fill.
"Everyone wants something."
Okay, usually James was a pretty chill guy. This has been established. However, when James is drunk, apparently he is not.
"Not me, Regulus." James sneered, clearly more agitated than he previously thought himself to be. "Believe it or not, I don't share the same morals as your family."
A few moments of silence passed. James waited for Regulus to fire back a snide remark, but it never came. As the silence stretched on, his skin started to prickle with discomfort. The moment the words came out of his mouth, he regretted them. He knew what he said wasn't out of self-defense, it was just mean. It was something he knew would have an effect on Regulus, whether it was subconscious or not, and he said it anyways.
James lifted his head slightly, glancing at Regulus, half-expecting to find him with his wand pointed at him. When he finally set eyes on Regulus, his expression wasn’t at all what James expected. He thought surely Regulus would be livid that James had even dared to go there, maybe even attempting to hex him with a look alone.
Instead, Regulus' eyes were slightly widened, his face drained of its already pale color. The air between them felt thick and hollow, like the space had been sucked dry of all warmth. Then, without a word, all of the emotion expressed on Regulus' face dropped. All that remained was a blank slate.
James had no clue how to process the sudden shift in Regulus, or how to deal with it for that matter. He’d heard Sirius talk about how he’d have to flip a switch on his emotions at home sometimes, but seeing it first hand was unsettling. It sent chills down James’ spine.
“Shut your mouth.” Regulus warned, his voice was so soft that James almost wondered if he had imagined it. There was no anger in his eyes––just a cold emptiness. But it wasn’t just the silence that made James’ stomach twist; it was the faint tremor in Regulus’ voice, so subtle yet unmistakable.
Everything about this moment betrayed the image James had of Regulus Black.
“Did I hit a nerve?” James asked, his voice quieter now, as though the tension Regulus was experiencing had seeped into him. Obviously he had hit a nerve, a very sensitive one at that, but what else could he say? When the words had left Regulus’ mouth, something inside James hit him like a punch to the gut and he was still reeling from it.
He’d wanted Regulus to fight back, so James could finally get back at him for being such a little shit. But this? This was not what he’d had in mind. He wanted anger, maybe a bit of passion––honestly, anything but this sudden, and complete withdrawal from reality that Regulus was exhibiting.
“None of your business, Potter.” he snapped, the bite in his voice catching them both off guard.
For a brief moment, James was struck silent, his breath caught somewhere in between his chest and his throat. At that moment, James felt strangely small. Before he could respond, Regulus exhaled a slow, heavy sigh, leaning back against the railing as his gaze dropped to the floor. Only then did James realize Regulus had stepped away from the edge of the railing at some point in their conversation.
James dared to meet his eyes again. A strange tightness bloomed in his chest, something heavy and unrecognizable that made him want to look away. Unlike before, those eyes––usually sharp, cutting through him with a glance––weren’t like that now. Instead, the moonlight caught them softly, reflecting a gentleness James had never seen before. It was impossible for James to look away.
“Are you okay?” James asked before he could stop himself, his voice barely above a whisper. The question sounded wrong coming from him, especially since he was the one who triggered this behavior from Regulus. James regretted asking the question the moment it escaped his lips. Why do I even care?
Regulus glanced at him briefly before turning back to the stars, his indifference was suffocating James slowly. The abrupt mood shift was off-putting, to say the least––weren’t they just arguing?
Surprising both himself and Regulus, James’ legs moved of their own accord toward the other boy before he had the chance to think about it. He placed himself next to the younger Black and leaned forward on the railing, eyes drawn to the stars above. He could see why Regulus would spend his time up here, there was something so beautifully peaceful about the stars.
“My whole family is named after stars,” Regulus muttered, his voice suddenly soft, the words slipping out before he could stop them. There was a brief pause, and for the first time, his usual sharpness faltered, and was replaced by an immense amount of hesitation, “sometimes, I come up here… to feel closer to them.”
The two shared a beat of awkward, stiff silence. James kept his gaze locked on the stars, though he couldn’t claim to understand any of the constellations or the stories behind them. His mind was too distracted. Without realizing it, he found himself still thinking about Regulus––from his eyes, to what he had said about the stars just now.
Suddenly, Regulus turned to look at him, and James instinctively mirrored his movement, locking eyes. Regulus studied him for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed and his expression unreadable. James offered him a small smile, and something flickered in his eyes. A brief unguarded flash of sadness, and it made James’ chest tighten. A knot he hadn’t even realized was there seemed to form, pulling him in a way he wasn’t sure he could explain.
Regulus gave him a polite, yet very stiff, nod, signaling that the moment had surely passed. In an instant, he became closed off again, his emotional wall snapping back up with such speed that it nearly seemed mechanical.
Without another word, Regulus turned sharply, his footsteps echoing against the stone as he exited the tower with the same cold exterior he always had. James stood there, staring after him, confusion pooling in his chest. What the hell was that? He couldn’t even begin to piece together the puzzle that was Regulus’ vulnerability. It left James feeling more unsettled than he cared to admit.
James shook his head, as if trying to physically untangle the mess of thoughts racing through his brain. Everything felt jumbled and hazy, a result of alcohol, confusion, and the strange, almost unexplainable encounter with Regulus.
He sighed heavily, the weight of his exhaustion finally hitting him at last. It wasn’t just the late hour, or the lingering effects of alcohol that made James feel like he wanted to curl himself into a ball and cry; it was the strange, unfamiliar feeling that had settled deep in his chest ever since Regulus had walked away. A feeling he didn’t know how to name, let alone deal with on his own.
With a groan, he dropped his head into his hands. James had left the room so he could finally feel tired enough to sleep, but now he was just borderline exhausted emotionally and physically.
There was only one person he could talk to about this––maybe two, if James was lucky. But Sirius? Sirius was absolutely not one of those people. James could already picture the look on his face, the sharp, disbelieving glare that could mirror his brother's as he learned about James’ little encounter with said brother . Not to mention that would immediately follow––about how James should never let his guard down around any of them. As much as James loved Sirius, he did not want to deal with that.
Looks like I’ll be making a visit to the owlery tomorrow.