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Everything was going so wrong.
Zhongli thought as he ran after the other man, sweat dripping from his forehead despite the cold midnight breeze. He huffed, his vision getting blurry from exertion. The other man came into view as he reached out his hand, weakly grabbing the man’s wrist, as he turned to Zhongli, hurt and irritation lacing his features.
“What do you want now, asshole?” He asked with furrowed eyebrows, his eyes filled with aggression.
“Childe, I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way. You must know that. I simply wished for a peaceful retirement from my duties after thousands of years, I didn’t stop to consider how it would affect you and I would like to apologize for it.” He said in a panic, taking deep breaths in between sentences. “Please, reconsider.”
“Reconsider what? There’s nothing left for me here in Liyue except for the man I loved that took me for granted and betrayed me all for his own sake.” He bit back, yanking his hand away from the other’s hold.
“Childe, please. I’m begging you to think carefully about your choices, not for my sake but for your own. Though I would hate a future without you, a future where you aren’t happy is much worse. Please. I ask of you.” He begged, clutching at the other’s sleeve.
He stared at him, anger and hate brewing inside of him as he scoffed, a stern expression replacing his previous show of emotion. “Say, about those dragon and phoenix chopsticks you gave me.”
“Pardon? What is it?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.
“Are you the all knowing, almighty dragon and I, the ever burning phoenix, destined to burn out at the time one least expects?” He asks coldly, his eyes colder than before.
“I beg your pardon? What made you ask that?” He asked, confusion clear on his face.
Childe sighed, shaking his head. “It’s nothing. Just a passing thought. Still, did you want me to stay in Liyue and act like our friendship isn’t in shambles? Is that why you ran after me? What about how I feel? Did you even stop to consider that you’ll need my forgiveness first? Or did you deem my opinion to be unnecessary?”
“No, I do want your forgiveness but it was not my intention to make you feel like your feelings didn’t matter.” Zhongli shook his head, regaining composure.
“What is it really, then?” Childe asked, crossing his arms, his irritation increasing as he tapped his foot on the ground.
“As I have previously said, I wanted to ask if you could reconsider and stay in Liyue Harbor for some time. I’d… like to mend our relationship during your stay before it’s too late.” He asked, a faint hint of red on his cheeks.
“Ha!” He exclaimed. “The irony. You want me to spend more time with you? The man who traitorously stabbed me in the back? How could you even claim that you love me? Do you have no shame at all? Morax.” He gritted out, clenching his fists.
“Ah, no. Nothing like that, Childe. It’s not an issue if you choose not to accept these shallow feelings of mine. I only wish to spend more time with you before your next mission. As friends, if you will.” He offered, a small smile on his lips.
Childe took a deep breath, glaring at Zhongli, his fists still clenched. “Are you taking me for a fool?”
“What do you mean?” Zhongli asked in reply, concern and confusion on his face.
“What the point of this, Zhongli? The moment you chose to betray me in Northland Bank, all your chances was flung out of the window. There’s no point. Why bother?” He asked with furrowed eyebrows.
Zhongli sighed softly, a melancholic smile on his lips. “I don’t… have much time left.” He admitted, chewing on his lip nervously. “After the removal of the Gnosis from my person, my form of erosion has been speeding up at an alarming rate. To the point that I’m not certain if I’ll live the next day. And with this information, I thought that I should spend my remaining time wisely.”
“And why should I care?” Childe asked in reply, a scoff leaving his lips. “Spend your life wallowing in regret for all I care.”
With that, Childe turned his back on a stunned brunette, never looking back.
Childe placed his palm on his cheek, looking at the dragon and phoenix chopsticks Zhongli had given him. He thinks back at the man’s warm smile and the way his eyes lit up when he willingly accepted his gift.
He sighed to himself, tracing the box’s patterns, memories of the past flooding his vulnerable mind. He feels his will to live waver, not knowing how he should live from now on with the knowledge that he caused Zhongli’s heart to break. He sighed again, carding his fingers through his hair with a frustrated huff.
“What am I even doing?” He asked himself, placing his palms on his face.
He sat in his office at the Northland Bank, even if he should be at the harbor, riding the next ship to Snezhnaya to leave as soon as he came. But guilt and doubt led him to another place entirely and now, he’s stuck in his office, pondering about the next step he plans to take.
He thinks about visiting Zhongli’s apartment, but decides against it since it was already past midnight and he’d already be sleeping at this time. He’d hate to disturb him.
He let his head fall on his desk, his forehead hitting the wood with a soft thump. He continues to think about the choices he currently has. He feels shame and guilt when thinking about the instance he’d have to seek the man out and converse with him, since it was him who chose not to listen, but at the same time, he knows he has to do this. Living his entire life with the knowledge that he could’ve done something will eat him alive.
He shivered at the thought, turning his head to the side to let his cheek rest on his desk. His eyes landed on the chopsticks again, a small, fragile smile on his lips as he makes up his mind to visit the man’s abode the moment the sun rises.
With that thought, he fell into deep slumber surrounded with paperworks with a small, innocent hope that he isn’t too late.
“What?” Childe asked with a tilt of his head.
“Aiya, did you not hear me clearly? Zhongli isn’t here.” Hu Tao replies, her hands on her hips.
“Oh, but he wasn’t in his apartment. I thought he’d be-“
“Well, I already gave you an answer, didn’t I?” She replied with a shrug, shoving a paper in his hands. “Also, if you see him, do me a favor and give it to him. It’s the things required for today’s client.”
“Right. I will, but do you have any idea where he might be?” He decides to ask, holding the paper gently.
“Nope.” She replied with a shake of her head.
“Alright then. I thank you for your time.” He bowed, taking his leave.
He walked along the harbor, ignoring the people’s disdainful gazes as he left the city, venturing out into the wild. The first place that came to mind was the Guili Plains, considering the history there and the many memories, both filled with joy and sorrow.
As he approached his destination, the ruins slowly coming into view, he was halted by an Adeptus, appearing before him in a flash of Anemo.
“Why have you come, mortal?” Xiao asked with furrowed eyebrows.
“I came to look for someone.” He blurted out.
“Who are you seeking?” He continued his query.
“Look, I know you don’t have even the slightest trust in me, but can it wait? I’m in a hurry right now.” He answered instead, having the urge to card his fingers through his hair.
“Answer the question, or else, your journey will halt here.” He replied threateningly, his grip on his polearm tightening.
Childe sighed, “I’m looking for Zhongli. I need to clear up some things with him, and I can’t find him in the city.” He explained, noticing the other’s gradually widening eyes.
“Rex Lapis?” He asked out loud, knowing the other knows of the God’s identity.
“Well, I guess so.” He replied, scratching his nape. “Can I go now?”
“It seems your journey is fruitless then, mortal.” He replied with a calm expression, the smallest bit of sorrow in his eyes.
”What? Why?” He questioned, confusion and irritation clear on his face.
“Rex Lapis has… long passed.” He spoke, his voice having a slight tremble as his grip on his weapon tightened further.
Childe heard something crack as his ears started to ring.
“What…?” He asked breathlessly, shock overtaking every nerve in his body.
Xiao kept silent, staring at the taller man, showing that he was - unfortunately - dead serious.
“He passed last night.” He added, as if it would help Childe in some way.
“How… How did he?” He asked hesitantly.
“His form of erosion occurred suddenly. His elemental energy went out of control. I went as soon as I could the moment I sensed it, but before I could help in some way, he slit his throat with a knife. The suffocating burst of energy dissipated in an instant, just like his existence.” Xiao explained, biting his lip.
“Did he… have any last words?” He asked, his fingers trembling.
“Your name.” He replied briefly. “The last word I heard from his lips was your name.”
“Oh.” He muttered.
Xiao stared at him, before hanging his head down. “I’ll… leave you be.” He said, a burst of Anemo replacing where he once stood.
Silence. It was like that for a while, the only sound that could be heard was the chirping of the birds and the rustling of the leaves.
“It’s my fault.” Childe mumbled to himself after a while, as he let out a bitter laugh, his fingers finding itself in his ginger hair as he pulled some strands out, his knees trembling.
“It’s my fault…!” He mumbled a little louder, tears rolling down his cheeks as his knees gave out.
He fell to the ground in a pathetic heap. His breathing becoming ragged as tears continued to flow from his eyes.
It’s all your fault, you pitiful excuse of a man.
How worthless your life truly is for you to lose the only man who bothered to consider you human.
Pathetic. You’re nothing but a pathetic mess.
You should just die-
A hand settling on the back of his head brought him back to reality. His breathing hitched as he abruptly stood, an image of Zhongli with a warm smile appearing before him.
He looked young and beautiful just like the day they first met. He looked real, like he was standing before him, like he was actually alive. His warm amber eyes gazed at him longingly as Childe’s feeble heart begun to melt.
It isn’t real. It isn’t real.
His fingers twitched, his eyebrows furrowing as his shoulders tensed. He clenched his fists while gritting his teeth, the feeling of helplessness making him sick.
He’s going insane.
Childe took a deep breath before running away, turning his back on him once more as he ran to the city, looking like an absolute mess.
Ajax laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling in a daze, clearly exhausted. Tears have already dried on his cheeks while he lays there, motionless and vulnerable.
Strangely enough, despite the intense emotions ranging from sadness to frustration that he should feel, he feels nothing.
Ever since his fall in the Abyss, Ajax had been buried to avoid any sign of weakness, instead, Childe and Tartaglia surfaced and replaced the mischievous boy. Now, he doesn’t feel like Ajax, or Childe, or Tartaglia. He feels like his soul was separated from his body, he feels like an empty shell of the man he once was. He feels cold, like a corpse.
He stared at the ceiling mindlessly, while his mind continuously reminded him of how everything was before it all went downhill. How it all was before knowing the man’s identity. How it all was before he was consumed by bitterness and resentment, resulting in the death of the only man who looked at him like he wasn’t a weapon, like he wasn’t a heartless murderer. He looked at him like he was human. Like he was Ajax.
The only man he was able to love.
He whimpered pathetically, curling into himself while mumbling the man’s name over and over again. He let his eyes fall shut, holding his legs closer to his chest as he let his forehead touch his knees.
He wondered how terrible Zhongli must’ve felt while knowing that the man he wished to spend his last moments with, despised him. How the man he looks at with overwhelming endearment wasn’t by his side when he breathed his last breath. He wondered if he could meet him again and tell him that he loved him just as much as he did.
Wouldn’t there be a higher possibility of you meeting him if you were to die? Maybe you’ll be able to see him in what they call the afterlife.
Oh. What a cruel, heartless thought. But nonetheless, Ajax considered it, thinking that maybe, maybe he’d succeed in that enormous gamble. That maybe, taking such a huge risk will pay off.
He then wonders what Zhongli would say, or how he’d react. Would he be angry? Upset? Happy?
What better way to find out than to test it for yourself, right?
Childe sat up slowly, his head spinning as his eyes settled on the knife on his nightstand. He reached for the weapon, holding it in his hands with a small, empty smile. He lets the knife rest on his wrist, the action drawing a small amount of blood.
He swayed his head side by side with the same empty smile while humming a tune. The song that Zhongli claimed to be his favorite when they were out for dinner. He continued humming the tune softly, slowly starting to press the knife. He stared at it for a while longer, muting all the sounds around him as he presses it on his wrist harder.
“You… were the phoenix, after all.” He whispered to the wind softly, dragging the knife along his wrist in a swift motion just as the door to his apartment burst open, a confused Ekaterina barging in.
Massive drops of blood dripped down to the floor as his vision blurred. The same empty smile stayed on his lips as he fell forward, effectively losing consciousness.
The next thing that greeted him when his eyes opened was not the afterlife where he’d see Zhongli’s soft smile again. He saw the face of an irritated doctor, one of his eyebrows raised in question as the snake on his shoulder hissed at him.
The feeling of disappointment that he expects to feel doesn’t come. Instead, he feels nothing. Like an empty shell, like a corpse.
“How long?” He asked, his voice rough, clearly lacking water with his eyes barely open.
“Nine days.” Baizhu replied with an irritated tone to his voice. “Now, would you mind enlightening me as to why you would inflict such a deep cut on your own wrist that if your subordinate had brought you to me for treatment a second longer, you would’ve lost your life?”
“I’ll be going.” He replied instead, avoiding the question entirely. “The Northland Bank will pay you a hefty sum.”
“Right, right.” He said with a sigh and a gentle shake of his head, crossing his arms as he watched the harbinger leave without another word.
“You’ll have to refrain from using your left hand for a month. Otherwise, you’ll lose it entirely.” He warned as Childe only nodded with hum.
Tartaglia, codename Childe, eventually lost his life at a young age due to the overuse of his delusion and the Foul Legacy.
However, he didn’t die like the mighty hero Ajax dreamed of. He didn’t die as the Tsaritsa’s prideful weapon of war like what Childe and Tartaglia hoped for.
He died as a puppet, letting the puppeteer control every single string. He lost his life as a doll, only living for their master’s will with no objections or emotions to show.
He died like that. A miserable death, just like his short life.