Chapter Text
Both of them pant, sheets rustling beneath them as they came down from the high of pleasure just now. Hanbin knows his face is flushed, and he can feel Matthew's fingers intertwined with hisㅡfamiliar, comfortable. He feels love, so much love in his chest, going to burst from it. The three words dance on the tip of his tongue; he wants Matthew to know, needs him to understand what he has been feeling for these past few months.
Now that Matthew is going back to Canada, he doesn't want to keep these feelings locked in his heart any longer.
"Seokmae-yah, I—"
"Hyung, let's break up," the younger suddenly says, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, before he looks at him, and says something that breaks him even further.
"Everything between us, let's end this now."
Hanbin can hear his heart shatter just like a glass, the sound so loud it's deafening in the quiet room.
He wants to say that what Matthew says is moot, because how can they break up if they've never been in a relationship in the first place? But both of them are not stupid to deny what they've been doing all these whileㅡthe stolen kisses, the cuddles, the sleeping together, the random gifts that they give to each other 'just because', the care, the attention; all the precious time they spent with each other, are anything than just 'friends'.
People would call it 'situationship', but Hanbin hates that word. Matthew is more important to him than that. He's someone that his heart is committed to, having a label or not.
"What do you mean?" Hanbin doesn't know how he finds his voice back, but he does, and he tries his hardest to not let the tears fall.
"I've been thinking about it. Long distance relationship... I don't think I can do it, hyung. I will be really busy when I start my new job. The time difference, I don't think I can do it. I'm sorry."
"Is it that easy for you, Seokmae-yah?"
"You know it's not, that's why I'm doing this." Matthew turns to him, and only then Hanbin can see that he's crying.
"It's because I love you, that's why it's hard to live so far apart without you."
It's the first time that Matthew has said he loves him. It should've make him happy, because for once, his feelings is requited. Hanbin knows this because Matthew treats him differently from other people and because he wears his heart on his sleeve. On any other day, the three words will make him the happiest guy in the world. But right now, it feels like a knife that stabs his heart.
Why do you say you love me when you want to leave me all along?
He wants to argue, wants to say why their relationship can work despite the distance, that he loves Matthew just as much, maybe even more. But he knows Matthew enough to know that when he says something, it's final. And deep down in his heart, there's an evil voice that agrees with what Matthew said, that their relationship will be doomed either way. That if he really does love Matthew, he should let him go.
He will, but for now, he pulls Matthew into his chest, kisses the crown of his hair, trying to comfort him, trying to comfort his own heart, saying to himself that it's okay. That it's going to be okay. Although his heart feels anything but.
Matthew looks up, searching his eyes, tears still falling.
"Hyung, I'm sorry. I love you."
"I love you too, so fucking much."
Matthew lets out a wet laugh, because Hanbin rarely curses, he tries not to most of the times. But he doesn't have the heart to care now that his life starts to feel like one.
Hanbin is going to miss thatㅡMatthew's beautiful laugh, his smile that can rival the sun, the one that makes his eyes crinkle into crescents like a moon. His heart breaks more and more realizing that it will be the sound that he will miss the most after tomorrow, and he won't be able to make Matthew laugh anymore and be the receiving end of his smile. The thought alone makes his chest tighten painfully.
He wants to dull the pain, so he kisses him, deeply, hoping that Matthew can feel his heart in that kiss. The tears he has been fighting finally spill over, running down his cheeks and making their kiss taste like salt and goodbye. They break apart only to hold each other closer, Matthew's fingers clutching at his back, desperately, like he's afraid Hanbin will disappear right then, while Hanbin buries his face in Matthew's neck, both of them shaking with quiet sobs that neither tries to hide anymore.
"Hyung..." Matthew whispers against his skin, and Hanbin can feel more tears falling onto his shoulder, warm and real.
He doesn't want to waste their last night together, so he kisses, kisses, and kisses Matthew all over his face, tasting his tears, kissing his jaw, his cheeks, his closed eyelidsㅡtrying to remember every inch of him for the last time, committing to memory how Matthew's breath hitches when he presses his lips against his temple.
They spend the rest of the night like that, holding each other, Matthew's fingers drawing absent-minded patterns on his chest while Hanbin buries his head in his hair, breathing him in.
He's going to miss this, he's going to miss this so fucking muchㅡthe weight of Matthew in his arms, the gentle touch of his fingers, the way their bodies fit perfectly together.
They stay like that the whole night, hearts beating in-sync, until exhaustion finally takes over.
The next day at the airport feels a lot worse. The only thing that soothes him a bit is when Matthew pulls him to a small, secluded area where Christmas trees decorated every corner, where visitors take their commemorative pictures with their loved ones for the last time before they say goodbye.
Matthew guides him behind a Christmas tree that's a bit hidden from people's views, looking around before pulling Hanbin into a kiss. It's supposed to be quick, because people might see them, but Hanbin is a selfish person, so he puts his hands on Matthew's waist and tilts his head to deepen the kiss, gently biting his lips just like how Matthew likes it. The younger lets out a soft sigh and wraps his hands around Hanbin's neck.
Truthfully, Hanbin doesn't know what he's going to do when this isn't going to be part of his day anymore.
"I never told you this but..." Matthew's voice wavers. "I know I dated before, but none of them were like this. You're my first real love, hyung. Always will be. Remember that, okay?"
"You're mine too." Hanbin's laugh is shaky. "Don't think I'll be dating anyone for a while. Kind of hard to get over you."
"Please... when I'm gone, just forget me."
"Seokmae-yah... you're being cruel, you know that?"
"I know, I'm sorry. But we should try to move on, right? I just... I want hyung to be happy. Even if it's not with me."
Hanbin doesn't think the request makes any sense. Why does this feel like a forever goodbye? He thought they will still at least be friends, because they were friends first, before everything changed into whatever they are right now.
But his answer comes hours later when he wakes up and checks his phone, wondering if Matthew has landed safely in Canada. He sent a message before falling asleep: "text me when you land."
The number 1 stays next to his KakaoTalk message, unread, that day. And the next. And the next. He sends another message, then another, watching them all stay unread.
Something feels wrong. He tries Instagram—"User not found." Their shared Spotify playlists, deleted. Every platform he tries, he finds himself blocked or removed.
Matthew hasn't just left. He's made sure there's no way to reach him.
The winter that's already cold grows impossibly colder, numbing everything it touches until he can't tell anymore which hurts more—the December air or the Matthew-shaped void in his heart.