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Kal shuffles forward, aiming to gather the knife from the dead god. In front of him and much closer to the lyrium dagger are his siblings. Lucanis is at his back as another wave of fade magic crashes over them, threatening to tear the Veil apart. Step by step, they grow closer. Wave by wave, the group closes in on the knife. Allona's the first one to reach it, wrapping her fingers around it and pulling it from the corpse.
A whoosh, a bright light, and Kal needs a moment before he can see again. Blinking away any lingering irritation, Kal looks ahead of him only to find his siblings and the dagger gone.
"Allona?" Kal tries, something ugly and new blooming in his chest. "Esha? Monello?" They're... Gone? They can't be gone. Kal's always had them around for as long as he can remember.
"Kal!" Lucanis calls, a hand on his shoulder temporarily breaking him out of his spell. "What do we need to do?"
Kal's in charge. It's his job to lead their team. He needs to figure out what to do before this terrible emotion bubbling up in his chest takes over. "We need to regroup and find them. Viago and Illario should be informed." Kal chews on his lip, trying to smash down this emotion rising in his throat. "Even if we find Elgar'nan, I don't know if we'll be able to deal with him like this."
"You heard him!" Lucanis calls, rounding everyone up. Spite appears in front of him, asking something Kal doesn't catch. His eyes sting. He doesn't know why. Pushing the feeling away, Kal moves to head back to the boat that brought them. He's not thrilled about it, but he has to leave somehow.
Lucanis walks at his side, perhaps sensing something's wrong, perhaps just wanting to keep him company. Kal doesn't know but he's more than happy for Luca's presence. Something brushes against his back, lightning dancing across his skin from the touch before that annoying, painful, itching sensation picks up where Luca's armor brushes against his tattoos.
He needs to go home. He'll get home, and his siblings will be waiting for him there. They're not gone. They can't be. Kal can't be alone because he's never been alone. They'll be there when he gets back. They have to.
Kal walks into the Lighthouse, and a chill instantly hits him. They're not here. He doesn't even have to check. There's no warmth. No spark of magic from Allona. No quiet grumbles from Esha at their antics. No lovesick mumbles from Monello. It makes the feeling in his chest worsen. Swallowing it down, Kal immediately heads back into the Eluvian so he can find his way back to Treviso.
He's really not sure how he ends up in the city without getting hurt. He's got the vague impression that Luca's following him, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that Viago's here.
"Kal?" Viago greets. "What's wrong? Where are the others?" Something in Kal snaps, stinging wetness filling his eyes and running down his cheeks.
"Dad." His voice cracks. "They're gone..." Kal mutters. "We killed a-" He sniffles, not knowing why he's reacting like this. "Killed a god, and then the dagger sucked them-" hands wipe at the wet tracts on his cheeks. "Them into the Fade." Why does he feel so bad? Why can't he stop the tears running down his face? What is this feeling overwhelming him?
Bare hands wrap around him, leather pressing against his skin in the itchy, painful way Viago's armor used to do. Fingers run through his tangled hair. Someones talking. He doesn't catch what's said. All he knows is that his eyes sting, his heart hurts, and he wants his family back. A wail rips from his throat.
Viago leads him back to their shared bedroom in the Lighthouse, only for Kal to stumble in and stop abruptly. His siblings aren't here. They don't know where they are. Kal doesn't want to be here. It feels too empty.
"Get some rest. Teia's getting everything ready, so I'll be here if you need me." Dad leaves him alone. Kal doesn't want to be alone. Kal wants his siblings back. Kal wants to feel their warmth, to be able to snuggle with his siblings even though they haven't done that for weeks.
"Kal?" Luca's voice asks gently. "Are you doing alright?" He turns to the man entering the room.
"I don't know... I've never felt this before." His eyes are still dry, but he doesn't know if that'll last. Kal's tired and kinda just wants to sleep, but he doesn't know if he can.
Lucanis comes to his side, a hand wrapping around his waist. "Well, why don't you try explaining it and we can go from there."
Kal tries to piece together what he's feeling. Not an easy task when he doesn't even have half an emotional deck. Kal grimaces, a hand curling up by his chest. "It's… There's nothing. Just emptiness. But not the normal way. There's a pit in my chest because they aren't here. You're here. Viago's here. But they aren't. This is brand new to me, and I don't know what it is, but I hate it. I don't want this feeling, but it's suffocating me." Kal finds himself leaning against Lucanis. It doesn't help.
"Kal. That sounds like you're just lonely."
"I still don't want it," Kal complains. "I would have been fine never experiencing this."
"It's not a bad thing to have emotions." Luca tries. "It's normal."
"Not for me." Kal's never had these emotions. He clawed the ones he had from the depths of hell and spent so long trying to deal with them. Every time, he had one of the others there to help him. Now, he doesn't. Those salty, stinging tears threaten to overtake him once more. They don't, but it's a close thing.
Grabbing Luca, Kal's not sure what he wants. Does he want to be alone with his thoughts? Does he want to stay with Lucanis and never let go? Does he want to take Viago up on his offer?
"Come on," Lucanis states, moving to lead Kal out of the room. "Let's go to the pantry. For some reason, I've recently ended up with a much bigger bed." Kal doesn't respond, letting himself be dragged through the Lighthouse. He felt Viago's eyes on him at one point, but it vanished almost as quickly.
Kal stares blankly into the Fade, that pit in his chest growing more oppressive with every moment. He's pretty sure Viago's nearby, but besides offering his presence, his Dad's not doing much. Kal thinks it might help somewhere deep down, but it doesn't feel like it.
What if they never find them? What if Kal has to feel like this for the rest of his life? He can't handle it. He's going to go insane if this crushing emptiness is all he gets to feel for the rest of his life. Kal can't do that; Viago might kick him out! Or Lucanis might dump him!
"Kal," Comes the call. "You being dramatic. It's only been one day. We'll get them back."
" Doesn't feel like it." Kal mumbles. What if he never gets to see Esha again and gets one of her handmade crafts? Or have Allona transcribe a new recipe into pictographs? Or help Monello train? What if he never gets to cuddle with his siblings again?
Something hits the back of his head. Kal looks up to see Viago and Lucanis standing over him. "I don't remember raising you to break down at the first sign of difficulty."
"I can't be held responsible for struggling with something I've never felt before."
" No. but you can get up and do something about it." Kal blinks at him and chooses to go back to staring at the void and trying to process this new emotion.
Kal lies in a too-big bed with too many pillows and too many blankets, clutching the too-cold pillows from his siblings as he breathes in the fading scents. He hurts. Lucanis said it was supposed to get better with time and that they'd find the other de Rivas, but it's already been a week, and nothing's changed. That painful, cold abyss in his chest makes it harder and harder each day. He's really going to feel like this forever, isn't he? Kal can't handle that. He'd much rather feel his baseline nothingness than this.
Kal clutches his collection of pillows and shuts his eyes.
"Kal. Get up." Dad states, "Your friends want you to go to Treviso. Come on, Lucanis will meet us on the way." Kal blinks, peeling himself out of his cocoon with his hair a mess and nothing but the suffocating emptiness swallowing him whole. "You look like shit." Kal doesn't really care.
Viago sighs, then picks up the brush off one of the many tables. Kal watches as Viago circles around, notices Kal's nudity, and throws one of Kal's silk blankets over him. "This is the only time I'm going to do this. Get your boyfriend to do it in the future." His Dad takes the brush to Kal's hair, working out the knots and tangles. It feels nice.
"You know better than this." Dad starts. "I know you're struggling right now, Kalias. I know you're lonely, but you can't wallow like this. You still have a contract to complete and people that love you."
Kal stares at his hands. "How can we be sure they'll come back?"
Viago stays silent for a moment, formulating his answer. "You know your siblings better than anyone. They're not going to let themselves be gone for much longer."
"...Yeah, but that doesn't help this emotion."
"I know," Dad states. "And there's very little that will until they return, which is why you need to keep moving. Nothing's going to change if you just sit here. You're smart, Kalias. You can figure out a way to find them if you try. So, stop this uncharacteristic moping and do something about it." Kal's not sure if he can push aside this feeling, but Dad's right that this isn't like him. "So. Do you want to sit here without making any progress, or do you want to accelerate getting your siblings back?" He finishes detangling Kal's hair, letting his hands fall to his lap.
Kal blinks at him. He does want them back... "You suck at pep talks." Sighing, Kal scrambles off the bed and finds one of his kilts. "Where's Luca?"
"Waiting by the Eluvian," Viago smirks, watching him go.
Kal blinks, throwing the new lyrium dagger on the table before stalking off. Sure, they've got a magical dagger now. But this doesn't help the newly returning ache. Why does he have to have emotions? There used to be a time when he didn't. It was so much easier, then.
"Kal?" Luca calls, chasing after him. Kal can hear Spite chewing Lucanis out even if he can't currently see the demon.
"Luca."
Lucanis shuffles awkwardly. "You're still hurting." Luca shuffles close, expression softening as Spite goes silent. "Mierda, I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine what you're going through. You're all way closer than even Illario and I, so while I understand feelingly lonely, I can't understand how much it's affecting you." Spite grumbles.
"You! Are not. Helping!" Spite complains, appearing to the side. "Must. Help. Kal!" Kal almost smiles, temporarily distracted from his feelings.
"Perhaps I just need a distraction..." He mumbles, eyeing those delicious lips. Luca blushes that adorable pink, letting Kal make the first move. Kal presses closer, leading Luca's hands to the tattoos on his chest and back. Lightning dances across his skin as Kal pushes them together, tasting the coffee on his lips and asking for more. Luca squeaks, pulling back with a fondness coating his face.
"I think I can handle that." He purrs. "But not here." Kal pouts. Why does everyone else insist on privacy? He's never understood the need. Regardless, Kal follows his Luca across the courtyard.
"Kalias," Emmerich calls, waking Kal from his dream. He groans a response, hesitant to remove himself from Lucanis and Spite's warmth. "I believe we've found your family. We can make the attempt when you're ready." Kal shoots out of bed, naked, finding his kilt on the floor and getting dressed in record time.
"Let's go."
"Kal?" It's quiet and tired. "What's goin' on?"
"Get up. We've got de Rivas to collect." Kal feels something distinctly exciting welling in his chest, mixing with the ever-present loneliness. It's been weeks. Weeks since he's seen his siblings, weeks of feeling the worst emotion he's found yet. Weeks of not being able to sleep without waking up. Weeks of having to rely on Viago and Lucanis to deal with his overwhelming emotions.
Kal doesn't wait, dragging Emmerich out to the courtyard and making him start whatever preparations he needs. He watches, waiting impatiently before he takes their new dagger and rips a hole in the Fade. Lucanis comes up beside him, the rest of their team joining in.
Soon, someone grabs Esha out of the rip, depositing her on the ground. Tears prick at his eyes, his emotions squeezing his heart as his eyes start to sting. A few more minutes and Allona stumbles about as gracefully as possible into view. Those tears leak from his eyes, beginning their trek down his cheeks. Allona sees him, freezes, and then comes over to run her fingers across his scalp.
Esha pulls away from Davrin to come to support him, her presence making those tight feelings in his chest loosen that much more. His sisters' mumbles reach his ears, soothing the emptiness.
"Kal?" Kal wipes his face, eyes shooting up to look at his little brother. Monello's looking at him, shocked. Kal can't take it anymore, hot, salty tears creating rivers down his face as he moves forward to grab his brother.
He wails, the last dregs of loneliness shaking free from his chest.