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Edwin had taught him many things.
What falling in love felt like. What heartbreak felt like.
While Edwin had wanted to be the one teaching him how to hunt – a rabbit - Pathonia had been faster with that. And they had hunted something entirely else.
What Edwin had taught him though, was how to kiss. Or at least, the act of awkward pressing of lips on each other, a rough and cold sensation Mathias wasn’t sure he even liked. Edwin had been his first kiss – and his only one.
What Edwin hadn’t been able to teach him, was how to not feel alone.
“Boss?”
Mathias blinked, cursing himself for being so distracted and lost in thoughts for a moment, before he nodded at Renzik, making an dismissing wave with his hand. His mind was elsewhere, still shaken, and the worst thing was, this wasn’t an excuse.
Nothing would excuse if he failed. He had to keep his eyes open, at all times, even when asleep. Being in his office or not – there could have been someone else walking in instead of Renzik. Mathias didn’t do mistakes, and all he could do was blaming himself.
“Still writing the report?”
Working to keep his facial expression in check, Mathias grumbled wordlessly. He felt the intent gaze of his friend partner, but didn’t look up.
“Well. I asked, you need anything done?”
Mathias still moved his feather as if writing, but shook his head. With a glance to the clock, he grimaced. It was already almost midnight. “No, go home.”
“Alright, boss. See you tomorrow.”
Mathias nodded, acting as if writing until the door to his office was closed again. Once the door was shut, he closed his eyes and let out a frustrated huff.
While Edwin might not have been able to teach him how to not feel alone – he surely didn’t leave him alone, even after all this time.
“Vanessa, we must consider the possibility that there is something going on in your Defias that you don't know about.”
Speaking the words caused Mathias to shudder – freeze even, a dejá-vu falling in front of him.
With the eyes of her father, Vanessa frowned at him. They were almost as warm as his, almost as distant, but they weren’t quite the same.
“It's true, I haven't been home in awhile. It's possible they are... restless.”
Restless.
Mathias scoffed, and abruptly opened the lowest drawer of his desk, rummaging through the papers until he found them.
Cigarettes.
Whenever passion developed between them, Edwin always smoked afterwards.
Either sitting in bed, staring at the opposite wall, or he was smoking at the open window. Mathias wasn’t sure what he liked more. He hated the smell and the stinging headache the smoke left behind every time, but he also craved those rare feelings of Edwin next to him – quiet, calm and steady.
Edwin was a very physical, passionate man, and he never cuddled. But maybe that was just how things were done. Maybe his grandmother was right all along and everything told in love stories and fairy tales was a lie.
Maybe people simply didn’t hug or cuddle. They… performed the act, and then it was done. Following their urges.
Edwin at least seemed to be that way.
“Want to try one?”
Mathias blinked and looked up. Today, Edwin had chosen to stay in bed, with Mathias’ arms around his waist, allowing him to stay at his side. Not being pushed away instantly, Mathias had stayed, clinging to the moment more than he wanted to admit.
Edwin seemed to be in a better mood today. He was smiling at him, and even reached forward to brush over his head, the cigarette in his other hand.
“A cigarette, silly.” Edwin took a deep puff from his cigarette and blew the smoke almost directly over Mathias’ face, causing him to flinch by reflex. “You need to learn to relax. Seriously. Smoking might just be your thing.”
It wasn’t.
He had smoked, for Edwin, for them, to have another reason to spend time with each other. Perhaps a foolish part of him had tried to impress him.
Now, Edwin was dead, and Mathias couldn’t impress anyone by inhaling the smoke which gave him a headache every single time he only stood near it.
His grandmother had immunized him against most poisons, but regular tobacco still was able to affect him, a secret he kept well hidden.
Perhaps it was a natural allergy of some kind. Perhaps it was just that one poison he wasn't able to immunize against. Maybe that, or simply the fact that smoking always reminded him of Edwin.
Mathias studied the cigarette in his hand, rolling it between his fingers. The thin paper and the tobacco in between, smelled it and flinched his nose, before he put it away. He hadn’t smoked a single cigarette since Edwin had died, but…
His gaze fell back to his drawer, and slowly he took the lighter, his heart clenching with an old echo of pain at its sight.
“A gift?”
Mathias frowned, his heart skipping a beat, but he tried to not let it show on his face. Edwin chuckled and pinched his nose, causing Mathias to grimace at the unexpected pain.
His grandmother would have punished him for not seeing the ‘attack’ coming.
“Of course, a gift, it’s your birthday. Do you really think I would have forgotten? Just because the old hag isn’t giving you something, doesn’t mean Baros and me will forget you.”
Mathias’ gaze fell back to his report, while his thoughts still were in Northshire, the amulet and Vanessa.
Nothing was left except memories.
Edwin was dead. Baros, too. No one else than Mathias himself remembered the hours they went fishing, or how many afternoons they spent hiding from their families in the fields of Westfall. No one remembered how Edwin had stolen a whole strawberry cake for Mathias on his thirteenth birthday.
It was all gone - the laughter, the friendship, the happiness - except for this lighter.
Another time, Mathias stared at it and flicked it open. The small blaze was hot and burning, yet it always managed to calm him down when he watched it.
A hard knock on the door made Mathias flinch and drop the lighter. He looked up, confused and furrowed his brows, but before he could bark something or react, the door already flew open and Flynn marched in with a smile on his lips and a bottle of wine and two glasses in his hands.
“Another all-nighter in the office, huh? I figured all this dusty paperwork must make you thirsty. And if not - I’m thirsty.”
Mathias blinked and averted his gaze, sighing deeply while picking up the lighter again, hiding it without real reason between his fingers. “Flynn. I’m not done with work, you should be asleep.”
Flynn’s chuckle echoed in his head, like the morning bell after a long night of sleep. Mathias allowed himself to close his eyes for a second and to focus on the voice, the smell, the sheer presence of that man instead of that of a ghost.
“How can I be asleep knowing you’re working all day and night and all that just because of another man.”
Mathias froze. Looking up abruptly, he stared at Flynn, but the man only chuckled, putting wine and glasses on Mathias’ desk, before he pushed Mathias’ chair gently away and sat on the desk.
There couldn’t be-... he couldn’t-
He wouldn’t smile if he knew-
Flynn let out a laugh, leaned forward and cupped Mathias face. The gentle touch sent sparkles all the way up to Mathias’ head, but the scare still sat deep in his bones. Flynn’s beautiful green eyes became a tad softer,when he gently brushed over his cheek. “Easy, sailor. Just getting jealous with all the attention you’re giving the King and the Crown, eh? I know I’m handsome and charming and funny, but competing with a king… that’s a toughie.”
The biggest sigh of relief escaped Mathias before he could stop it. Flynn chuckled once more and leaned forward, stealing himself a kiss. One which Mathias wouldn’t have stopped, even if he had seen it coming.
“This is your fourth night this week you’re not home before midnight. And it’s already past midnight. It is my rightful and holy duty to tell you to stop working afterwards. King Anduin himself ordered me to.”
Mathias perked a brow, but found himself smiling. “Did he?”
Flynn smirked at him, and as surprisingly so often Mathias wasn’t sure if Flynn lied or told the truth. “He totally did. King Anduin and I are besties. Really. Ask him.”
Perhaps he might do that. He just was scared of the answer.
Or, and that was perhaps even worse - bringing Anduin on new ideas.
It would be nice to see the boy smiling for a change, but the combination of Flynn’s ideas and Anduin’s determination for causing mischief…
Mathias was getting too old for that.
“What are you even sitting over? A report?”
Flynn turned his head over the papers on the desk and with a quick motion Mathias got up, putting one hand on Flynn’s thigh. At once, the attention of the man was back on Mathias, who breathed out heavily.
“It’s classified, Flynn. And I need to finish it before tomorrow.”
Closing the folder on his desk, Mathias averted Flynn’s gaze, but Flynn wouldn’t be Flynn if he gave up so quickly.
And Flynn wouldn’t be Flynn if he just didn’t know what exactly to do to push Mathias’ buttons.
Gentle hands wrapped around his body, pulling him close enough for a loose embrace, close enough to feel Flynn’s face in Mathias’ neck, feel his warm breath on his skin and smell the intoxicating mix of Flynn - sea water and salt, that lemon shampoo he always used, and just himself.
“You need to sleep .”
Flynn’s voice was causing shudders over his skin with a whisper alone. When Flynn started to nibble on his ear, Mathias swallowed and tried himself pushing away. “Flynn, I-”
“You haven’t slept for days.”
Flynn’s voice suddenly became more stern. Tilting his head, Flynn eyed him seriously. “And I’m not speaking about your already fucked up sleeping schedule or general lack of sleep. You have been off God knows where to, have barely been home in between and always responded as if you’ve seen a ghost.”
Mathias swallowed, feeling a shiver running over his spine. Flynn grimaced slightly. “You look like a ghost yourself and you know how much I’m scared of those, right?”
Flynn stood up, and Mathias found himself wrapped up in strong arms, Flynn’s lip lingering over his. “Sleep. Finish that report later.” Flynn sighed against his lips, before he leaned forward and gently kissed him. “Don’t become a ghost.”
“Don’t become a ghost.”
Mathias didn’t turn his head, his gaze fixed on the street. He felt Baros’ intense gaze, he felt the worry and concern radiating from the man like from a lamp.
But he didn’t turn. Didn’t move. Didn’t react, the slightest.
“I already lost Edwin, Mathias. Don’t let me lose you, too.”
With that, Baros went. A man in grief, fighting with tears and emotions on the open street, fighting with grieving for a man they weren’t supposed to grief for.
Mathias shuddered, fighting for self-control and to keep his emotions from his face. Flynn eyed him quietly now, before he turned his gaze down and frowned. It took Mathias a second to realize Flynn was staring at the lighter.
“You don’t smoke.”
He didn’t. Mathias stayed quiet, his brain tired and exhausted and not finding a smart, quick answer, something which he was trained to give.
“... another ‘classified’ thing?”
Not able to give an answer, Mathias nodded, clenching his fingers around the lighter. Flynn eyed him and then let him go. “Alright, I guess I’ll let you work and see you back home.”
‘Home’.
Mathias grimaced, his body reacting and reaching forward by reflex before Mathias realized what he was doing. His fingers clenched into Flynn’s coat, he stopped his love from leaving, and as surprised as Flynn looked at him, Mathias looked back, irritated by himself.
“I-...”
Flynn blinked, eyeing him patiently and curiously, but Mathias wasn’t sure what he even wanted to say.
I am sorry? I did see a ghost? I have spent days helping the daughter of my dead ex-boyfriend to stop history from repeating itself?
“I miss you.”
His own voice sounded strange in his ears, but Flynn immediately softened, stepped back and pulled him to his chest, cupping his face. “By the Tides, you are tired, my love.” Flynn smiled, and brushed with his thumb over his cheek. “As much as I love hearing such confessions from you and as much as I missed you myself - let’s get you to bed, sailor, alright?”
Mathias nodded, and stared at the lighter in his hand, before he put it back into his drawer and closed it shut.
A heavy sigh escaped his lungs, and the stress of the last days weighed heavy on him. If Flynn noticed him showing weakness, he didn’t mention it.
Instead, Flynn’s hand rubbed his neck, Flynn’s lips kissed his forehead, and the voice hummed soothing words into his ear.
Edwin had taught him many things.
What falling in love felt like. What heartbreak felt like. What grieving felt like.
Edwin had been his first kiss – and his only one, until Flynn.
And Flynn taught him so many things, every day, every moment they spent together - love. Trust.
How to not feel alone.
“I love you.”
His own voice sounded awfully tired. Flynn blinked at him, then he brushed a loose strand of hair out of his forehead with a smile. “Gonna burn this memory into my mind, because tomorrow you’ll act as if you hadn’t said that right now again, huh?”
Mathias didn’t laugh. He couldn’t apologize, still stuck in his own mind, in the fear of history repeating itself.
But this was Flynn. Not Edwin.
Mathias still had so much to learn, but for Flynn, it was worth it. Everything.
“No.” He leaned forward, breathing out heavily. “Tomorrow, I want you to remember this night.”
For once, Flynn seemed surprised. And before the man could make another comment, Mathias leaned forward and silenced him with a desperate, intense kiss.
There was much he would have to learn - and there was much he would have to talk to Flynn about, but tonight, he didn’t want to do any talking.