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Rin tossed around, her phone in hand and a wet towel on her forehead. She hated being sick, especially feeling so weak and away from God, not being able to monitor school or the people around her, and having to heavily depend on others. She bit her thumb softly, mumbling annoyingly. Heartbreak, for some reason, was going to her house. It was Momo’s idea of course, nothing less expected from the drummer, which is why she was so wary of explaining her situation in the group chat.
Usually she went to school even when sick, put a mask on and everything would be fine, she could control herself. Today, though, she was so sick to even look at her screen for too long, she had to squint. The brightness could compare to Hatono. She would laugh at the comparison if it didn’t hurt, nothing was brighter than her.
She coughed in her hand, re-reading the texts, but barely making out the letters, she didn’t mean to say she was sick, or to accept the fact they were on their way to her home. That was an arc for later not now, God shouldn’t be able to see the mess of her home, and her bandmates didn’t need to know the way she lived yet.
Rin didn’t want people to know too much about her. The band was dedicated to Hatono, she was just a pawn for her story, there was no need to exist outside of Hatono, even finding comfort in orbiting around her. Everything needed to be about God, never about herself; she needed people at an arm's length, sometimes that arm's length was just heaven and earth separated neatly to never touch and just coexist.
She extended her hand to the light, it was far away but her palm still felt warm, maybe it was the fever or the pain within her. She let herself feel it, she was just a mortal after all nothing could compare to her— no, just God. It would be naive to say Hatono was hers, God wasn’t tied to one person or one group, she’s her own being, a divine figure that could reach peoples heart and caress it with her fingers. Those fingers that could play her guitar so messily and so passionately.
Sometimes Rin wondered how it would be to feel God’s warmth, hug the fire and let it burn her. Hold her hand, sometimes she thought of how it would be kissing God, the soft prohibited lips, it would taste like the apple and herself the snake, murmuring in her own ear. But that would be absurd, of course, she always punished herself mentally for letting her thoughts trail to impurity.
Selfishness was a sin, sadly, Rin was God’s closest sinner, she could sin and know she would have God's forgiveness anyways. But these were the few lines she couldn’t dare to cross, God wasn’t meant to be exploited.
She was willing to go many lengths for Hatono. She was dedicated, she was determined to give herself wholeheartedly for her. Her and the flock were going to unlock Hatono’s greatness and see her shine firsthand.
Before she could keep staring at her hand, the ache of her body came to her, reminding she can only feel pain to an extent. Rin felt the sound of her phone ring in her head, sniffing as she groggedly picked it up. With alarm she got up off the bed, the wet towel falling in the process, they’re outside, God is outside.
She tried to steady her breathing, an ache forming on her frontal lobe from being startled. She needed to control this in the best way possible, not reveal too much and just let them get engrossed with each other. Thinking of her bandmates in her bedroom made her shudder, it wasn’t supposed to happen yet but… if she trusted God maybe it would all go okay.
She covered herself up with a blanket so she was able to move, the cold made her bones ache and she desperately dug for heat.
Walking to the entrance was fairly close, Rin was already mentalizing herself to just look fine. They didn’t need to worry, not right now at least. Sneezing mid-way and feeling the mutters outside, she felt wobbly.
Rin opened the door slowly, with a shaking vision. She felt, somehow, her fever go up with a fuzzy feeling of seeing them all, surprisingly, not just because of God.
“Rin!” Momo called out first, a bit nervous at the state of the girl. She put her free hand on her forehead. “You’re boiling!” She shuddered, stepping back. “Can we go inside? We went to a pharmacy so we got the basics, and also decided to go to a market for snacks.” She lifted her hand holding a bag with a toothy smile.
“There’s too many sweets there.” Ayame waved her hand lazily, side eyeing Momo. Groceries in both of her arms.
Hatono looked as beautiful as ever, she somewhat looked worried in that smile, nothing else to expect from the unending kindness she gave.
“Please, come in.” Rin nodded. “I'm sorry about the mess.” She said as she guided them to her room, not being able to entertain the idea of sitting in her living room, her body shaking just thinking of the pain.
As she guided them she could feel the girls looking around, she was thankful the department didn’t show much of herself. Just dull, newly painted with plants and barely decorated. The few things you could see were able to be found in any market.
A dizzy feeling got to the tall girl, tipping backwards. Ayame caught on it, quickly moving to hold her back lightly.
“Ah, sorry. I’m so clumsy.” Rin said. She looked back with a smile. “Thank you, Ayame-chan. You saved me.”
She hesitated, “You’re welcome.” her bangs hid the shame in her eyes, still looking away.
“We’re here.” Rin whispered. It wasn’t a long walk. It was a small normal department, like any other. “Please make yourselves comfortable.”
A little gasp came from Momo, she curiously looked at the walls in sign of any posters, her books, the mess of a bed, she took in everything.
Ayame lazily put her eyes from one point to another, not giving it too much importance.
Hatono tried not looking too much, she didn’t want to be rude, but she was really curious how Rin lived. She saw her desk, small tools and an ungodly amount of notebooks.
“I didn’t fully plan this,” Rin lamented. “you could sit at the desk and my bed. I’ll make some tea.”
“Nonsense!” Momo yelled, she grabbed Rin with unsurprising strength. “You’re very sick right now, we need to take care of you.” She puffed her cheeks, then tapped her foot lightly.
The redhead looked at the groceries with a grin, she nodded finally deciding.
“Ayame! Let’s go to the kitchen, we need to prepare dinner.”
“Do I have to do it? Can’t Ha—“
“You do!” She demanded, fully concentrated, as if it was a quest. “Hatocchi, could you make sure to give Rin medicine?”
“Yes, ma’am!” Hatono took one of the bags; taking out water and pills, also mint cream and honey spray. She patted the bed so the short haired girl would come lay down.
“I’ll also prepare a new towel.” Momo said, taking the one on the floor. “Where do you have the other ones?”
Rin tried not to break character. “They’re all in the bathroom, feel free to use any.”
Both of her band members got out of her room, walking like they owned the department. She couldn’t complain, this was new, not a development she was expecting.
Momo had the tendency to be impulsive, always giving her heart out to her friends. Her strong protectiveness would slip through once there was an inconvenience.
Ayame, well, she tried to look nonchalant, she was like that wasn’t she? Protecting herself to avoid getting hurt. But it didn’t really matter, she would still take care of people sternedly, a little rougher but still coming from herself.
So, in return Rin knew their intentions from the start, it wasn’t unexpected, however… Hatono being the one to give her medicine? and look at her with those soft eyes during all of their stay? That wasn’t in the simulation she created in her head.
She looked at Hatono, seeming very nervous, probably thinking in which order the pills were given or maybe just over-thinking. She was like that, she always looked like her mind was about to pop. She gave a small smile to her, no good intentions followed her motions.
“Hato-chan, take good care of me.” Rin decided teasing.
“Ah, yes!” She nodded, still feeling somewhat weird. Hatono had never done this before, so she hoped she didn’t, somehow, make Rin’s state worse.
The tall girl laid down on her bed, now there were two strong lights, while humming she vaguely wondered if she would blind herself. Hatono took Rin’s temperature. Rin could feel somewhat close to crying, such a careful, healing presence next to her. But, she wasn’t going to let her carefully built personality go down with just the gentleness of God, there were things Hatono didn’t need to know.
“Are you okay, Rin-chan?” Hatono asked softly, she was sitting on the floor beside the bed, looking so attentively. Rin feared she could see through her soul and her sins, her core, her heart.
“With God at my side I can’t complain.”
“You’re saying weird things again.” Hatono sighed, she couldn’t fully figure out Rin, but she went along with it.
If Hatono looked too close, she could count Rin’s eyelashes, the barely notorious freckles that decorated her nose bridge and cheeks. The fever was probably annoying, she remembered being sick and being taken care of too. She didn't know if Rin lived with anyone else, was there anyone who put calm to Rin’s woes?
She couldn’t help feeling bad at the state of the girl, as if a wounded sheep laid in front of her.
The proximity being so short, Hatono wondered about the tall girl’s eyes more than anything. They were so black and hollow she could only see her own reflection, maybe that was how it was supposed to be or so Rin would say.
There were small cracks on Rin today, the carcass was broken. She didn’t know how long it would be until there would be patches again.
She caressed her cheeks with the back of her finger, catching up on what she was doing. She retrieved her hand rapidly. Hatono looked away embarrassed, Rin didn't say a word.
“I was just checking your fever!” Hatono yelled, ashamed. The most obvious lie, as she was holding the thermometer.
She realized this slowly, deciding to actually check what the temperature said. After all, that was her job.
“Geez, you really are boiling alive…” She mumbled, seeing the thirty nine marked.
Like it was a call from above, Ayame was back with a wet towel, curiously eyeing them.
“How is she?” It took a bit for her to make the words out, she wasn’t used to it.
“She has a really high fever.” Hatono said with a clear grimace. Rin found adorable how expressive she was.
“You really are trouble, Rin.” Ayame frowned, putting the towel on her forehead, feeling the shudder of the girl on the bed. “Taking our time like this, it’s really annoying. I had things to do today.” Lies easily laid on her tongue.
“Sorry, Ayame-chan.” Rin smiled, but didn’t necessarily hint at regret.
“I’ll go back to helping Momo. Hatono, be careful of her.” Ayame said before disappearing by the door.
“Careful? Why?” Then she looked at Rin, who was just smiling blankly. Well, Rin was something else, but worrying about her was a bit too much.
The short haired girl had a sudden cough fit, sitting back up in a hurry, her throat burned like the sun stuck on her vocal chords. Hatono worriedly got closer and started patting her back, holding Rin in a way she was comfortable with.
The singer slowly brushed her fingers on the girl’s hair, untangling some of the mess made by being on her bed too long. Rin could smirk at the absurdity of God being so close to her, the coughing was less and she could feel the saliva accumulating on her mouth. With a selfish move she leaned on Hatono, making her jump just slightly. The bassist devilishly took one of Hatono’s hand and put it in her cheek, again. She wanted to burn down like a phoenix, her whole brain was on fire.
“Rin-chan—“ Hatono started, a bit ashamed. “You really should lay down, this is uh… a bit of an awkward position.” It’s not like she wanted to break the contact, her back just started to hurt.
“God is so kind…” The girl smiled dreamily, separating and resting her head on her pillow. Her head reeling with thinking of the contact she craved so much.
Hatono shifted awkwardly seeing Rin just stare at the ceiling. Was Rin’s temperature going up? She thought as she put her elbows on the bed, frowning slightly at how out of it her bandmate looked. She somehow felt more vulnerable than she had seen her, almost like a little kid who cried for attention. The silk touch of the sheets and the fragile girl laying down on it, like a princess waiting for the prince's kiss to cure her illness.
Who was she at her core? She never could decipher the bassist, she didn’t mind it since she trusted her, but at some point she had to wonder why Rin was so… her. Wondering didn’t do much, asking felt too awkward and she wasn’t sure what her reaction would be. She sighed again.
“You’re staring, Hato-chan.” Rin smirked, facing Hatono. “I didn’t know I was so interesting to God, I’m honored.”
“It wasn’t on purpose, I got lost in my thoughts!” God refuted before making herself look bad, she didn’t want any misunderstandings.
“I see.” The disciple said disappointed
A thud was heard indicating the other half of the band was there, the house was more loud than it ever had been.
The ventilator sound filled the room, slowly moving with the time so slow the clock was going faster, times never reached an end.
Looking at it again, it just wasn’t functioning correctly, probably.
“Why do you insist on calling me God?” She said, with her hand on the back of her head.
“Does it matter?” She said, no malice. “Your singing and playing are outstanding, no mortal could be like that.”
“Ah! Thank you, Rin-chan…” Suddenly feeling ashamed, she looked away, overwhelmed with the compliment. “But it’s nothing special, I'm still learning.”
“Rome wasn’t built in one day.” Nonchalantly she waved her hand. “Someday you’ll be so big, you’ll have the world in your hand.”
“Isn’t that… a bit too much?”
“Not at all, you will have heaven and everything you want. You’re God after all, we’re just chess pieces made for you.” Eyes so bright and void-like at the same time. “Only for you.”
“It’s scary when you say things like that, you know.”
“You don’t get it yet, Hato-chan. But you will, it will be a glorious day for all of us.”
“I’m not sure what to say to that.”
“You don’t need to say anything, we’ll do the work.”
There was a tense silence, Rin didn’t care for it.
“In this whole— well, process, you’re saying you're staying with me?” Hatono said with curiosity.
“I’m dedicating my whole life to you.”
“But,” She frowned. “ why?”
“You don’t need to know yet. I’ll be here, so will be the others. Even when I’m far from Hato-chan I can feel your heart.” Placing her hand where her own heart was. “It’s your kindness being spread to people, your voice so soothing is always in my mind. It’s on everyone’s mind.” She looked back at her. “My heart is beating for you.”
“When you say it like that it sounds like—”
“Hato-chan.”
Rin grabbed her hand.
“You are divine. You’ll do amazing in music.”
Hatono was speechless and it wasn’t just waiting for timing. Maybe Rin was so sick she was delirious, she couldn’t be implying… that?
Relationships in the same band were dangerous, she had seen multiple times the results of it, and what would their bandmates even say? She knew Momo wanted the band to stay away from romance, even if it wasn’t said out loud it was a rule written in their hands, and they were ones to follow instructions, sometimes. It was a whole deal, she didn’t know if she was totally ready for it and… why was she even imagining it? maybe Rin didn’t mean that, her heart wasn't pushing loudly against Its enclosure right now. It was fine.
She stared at their united hands, Rin had visible veins in her hand, they were much bigger than hers. Rin started rubbing Hatono’s palm, then with her index followed the lines, stopping at the callouses now pressing them tenderly. Hatono clenched her hand as a reflection with her heart in her throat, she took the sick girl’s hand and put it on her face. It was automic, she didn’t feel the control of her body.
Rin started shaking slightly in surprise, both looked at each other like they were transfixed in the electricity. Rin was blushing, and it wasn’t the fever, she couldn’t look away from the divine. God looked so beautiful, her breath was stuck in her lungs, it wouldn’t come out, nothing came out of her nostrils or mouth. Hatono shone like she came down from heaven, her tinted cheeks looked like it was painted gently with watercolors, her lips quivering in fascination.
Hatono sighed as she rested her head on the short haired girl’s hand, she was so embarrassed she could die, but her cheek getting caressed felt pretty nice.
Rin smiled and giggled, so innocently and childish, she felt so bubbly. It was a weird feeling, she was taking advantage of the purity of God but she couldn’t resist being this close. Feverly wanting to close the proximity, to become one with god. The sin burned in her hand, in her brain and in her eyes. God nuzzled against her like it was nothing, like it meant nothing.
“Hato-chan—“
“Don’t say that—“
“No, not that. I won't sin further.” She shook her head. “Are you comfortable?”
“Now that you say it… my back does hurt a little.” Hatono winced.
“Do you want to sit in my bed?”
“Wouldn’t I get sick too?”
“Ah.” Rin didn’t notice she was being too self-centered. “I apologize for my cynicism, punish me as you may.”
“No—“ Hatono groaned. “If it’s just a minute it should be okay, right?”
“God knows it all.” She said with a smile, putting her hands together.
“That’s not helpful.”
Hatono sighed, but she got up anyway. Stretching her tired muscles and back, a bit dizzy from getting up so suddenly.
She sat but the ache was persistent, she didn’t feel comfortable sitting even if the mattress was fluffy. Hatono tried to accommodate herself as much as she could, struggling with still feeling a piercing pain from being in a bad position, probably her bad posture too.
“Can I lay down?” She said before she could register.
“I didn’t mean— my back hurts! But I can go sit anywhere else, I can lay down on the floor. Ignore whatever I said, actually I don’t speak at all. I said something dumb again didn’t I?”
“Are you sure? Is it okay for me to be this close to Hato-chan? To diviness?”
“Uh, I mean, I just want to lay down.” God said, ashamed. “If that’s okay.”
Rin tried to calculate what could exactly go wrong or right, there was a storm in her brain, trying to find a balance. She couldn’t refuse to god that would be worse than getting shot at. Humming very softly, closing her eyes she tried to decide the ultimate.
Hatono looked a bit curious, was it such a big deal? Was the question rude? Awkwardly, starting to tap her finger together, she thought of how she couldn’t stop making a fool of herself.
“It is.” The believer answered to her call, softly.
“Thank you.” Sighing with relief, she looked where to lay down in a bed clearly made for one person.
Maybe Hatono didn’t think it through, of course she wanted to lay down but was it okay to be beside Rin? One, she was sick. Two, it would be weird, probably. Three, laying on the feet of the bed would make her look like a dog, also it would probably be awkward to take care of Rin at such distance. So, now a bigger problem was the time, if she kept waiting it would be more awkward and Rin would be, probably, offended.
She made her choice, slowly making her way to be beside the sick girl. Hatono knew there was medication at home, it was gonna be fine, maybe.
Once resting her head in the pillow, she didn’t anticipate how close they would actually be. The bed wasn’t big, she was at the edge of it, a bit afraid of making too much contact, it would make things awkward.
Staring at the ceiling was nice, in Hatono’s opinion. There were stars in it, the guitarist was sure they glow in the dark, which takes her back to when she was a child. Her parents would help her put them on with some dinosaur figures too, the smell of grass, being outside with her dad, being away from him.
Reminiscing didn’t do much, of course actuality was now and the past wasn’t so forgiving. Hatono wasn’t complaining, smiling while remembering the band and the bandaids put on her family picture.
Rin stared at the girl beside her, who seemed like she was about to fall from being on the end of the bed. God was like that, using too much of herself to be as small as possible. She didn’t know the full story yet, it was something the grey-eyed girl has been waiting for, but she could be patient.
“Hato-chan you’re about to fall.”
“Sorry.” A crimson adorned her face. “I just don’t want to take too much of your space.” You’re also sick, was unsaid.
“You can come closer.” For the first time, her voice was insecure.
Hatono gulped, fiddling with the sheets.
“But your presence is enough. Someday you—“
“Okay, fine, I’ll go. But, please zip it.” She started moving robotically. “I really hope I don’t get sick.”
“It’s okay, Hato-chan. If you get sick, I can take care of you.” Rin gently took Hatono’s arm to get closer.
“Wouldn’t you get sick again?” The girl bit her lip, still struggling with the contact.
“Then you can take care of me.”
“That seems like a cycle.”
In this new rearrangement they were brushing shoulders and arms, making it a bit difficult to move. Both, or at least Hatono, were too petrified to move.
Rin yawned, somehow, delicately. Her vision getting tired, sensing there won't be more small talk she closed her eyes. She wanted to fight back the sleep and admire Hatono a bit longer, but the fever still not being gone made her anatomy uncomfortable. Her throat also felt unfortunate, she sighed sleepily, not in control anymore.
Hatono curiously eyed Rin, seeing her more closely. She really was cute. Blushing at her own thoughts, she prayed that Rin didn’t read her mind. Not that it should be a worry, since when she looked back, the short haired girl was already asleep.
She sighed now more comfortable about not needing to think about her every move, still, she didn’t want to wake Rin up.
Starting to stare at her again, she looked so peaceful like she was sleeping on the stars, like something was protecting her. Soft breathing, combined with reddened cheeks and her lips apart, sometimes she imagined what it would be like kissing her. Hatono bit her tongue for even thinking that, now panicking slightly she looked at the ceiling for some comfort.
Was it really a crush on Rin? Or was just Rin too attractive? Everyone dismissed the girl as normal, or the average pretty. But there was something interesting and captivating about her, she could have people on the tip of her finger with no problem. A real mystery, one that was waiting to be solved.
Seeing her so tranquil, made her heart ache and burn, in a way it made her comfortable too. There were many emotions the band caused Hatono, she never analyzed them until now. Rin was making her heart yearn with a force she didn’t understand. Was this what she meant? Music made Hatono’s heart drum against her and melt, did she do the same to Rin?
Seeing Rin like that… would that be okay for her too? There was much to discover about herself yet. She never cared for romance as much, she didn’t think it'd happen to her.
Her mind started to blur, she felt something tugging her with force. Like someone would hold a plush, the contact was nice. So was the perfume she could smell. The soft hair. The amused giggle.
The stars in the ceiling were nice.
Rin was nice.
When Ayame and Momo came back they both were asleep and holding onto each other, like burning stars that were separated, finally together.
A puzzle solved with a heart shape.