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Day 1 - December 23rd 1963
"Chastity, you still haven’t looked at your dress, don’t you want to see how pretty it is?" Nanny Bobo held out the dress hanging from the closet door, still half in the garment bag it came in.
CC glanced up from her book. She was sure the dress was pretty. Pretty stupid.
She’d been looking forward to going dress shopping with her mother. They did it every year for her mother’s big annual Christmas Ball. CC loved seeing her mother dress up in the most beautiful gowns, and getting to try on some herself. It was something they did together, just the two of them. DD was too young, and Noel just needed a good suit. Mother would be in a good mood, and one year, they even had lunch together.
When she asked when they would pick out their dresses this year her mother had laughed.
"DD and I picked out the dresses months ago, darling. There was no time to go pick them out together with you, you were off doing something with your father. I also had to have them tailored. You know how awkward your body has become since you’ve had that last growth spurt. So tall and… Well. It will be delivered before the Ball, so don’t you worry about it."
She swallowed to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling and the blush she felt appearing on her face.
"You’re not going to cry are you? Chastity Claire, you are ten. Don’t be unreasonable, there is no need to get upset."
She shook her head and looked at her hands. To be honest, she didn’t really know what else to do. She had been looking forward to picking out the dresses so much, and to find out her mother had gone already with DD, and neither of them had thought to tell her, or invite her?
"If you’re going to be like this, please go to your room. You can come join us for dinner if and when you have calmed down."
With that she turned to Pablo, Paco, Paolo, whatever his name was. Mother’s latest "partner". Anytime mother had a new male friend she didn’t have time for CC anymore. Apparently, it was different for DD.
CC knew she was dismissed and left to go read in her room.
When the dress had arrived CC refused to look at it or try it on. Nanny Bobo had begged and pleaded, but CC just ignored her and hid in her book.
The Ball was tonight, so she supposed she would have to dress soon. Instead of getting ready with her mother, who had a hairdresser and makeup artist come in to help her and CC get ready, her mother had said that she would just send the staff over to CC’s room when they were done with her. Mother didn’t want company. She already had company. Patrick, Pascal, Palmer. He was still around. She guessed mother must have gotten him a fitted suit for the Ball so he had to at least stay until then.
She put away her book and got up. Nanny helped her into the dress. Standing in front of the mirror, CC didn’t know how to react. She looked… invisible. In previous years the dresses had been lavish, sparkly, colorful. Now, it was a dull beige. Long sleeves. Long skirt. And somehow too loose and too tight at the same time.
"Oh sweetheart, you look…" CC looked at Nanny Bobo, raising an eyebrow, "sophisticated?"
She looked back at the mirror. She did look like mother’s friends whenever they came over for tea. Well, maybe with a cute hairstyle and some makeup she could still feel beautiful.
But that dream was dashed when the hairstylist swooped in and gave her a quick French twist, saying it was what her mother had ordered. The makeup artist never even showed up.
The ultimate humiliation came when she was already at the ball. She had come down the stairs behind Noel, and they were now waiting with their mother for DD. When DD appeared at the landing CC gasped, and gasped again when her mother pinched her to behave.
DD was wearing CC’s dream dress. A full ball gown that must have hoops, sparkles, and color everywhere. Her hair was up with delicate curls falling down the back, and her makeup was gorgeous. She was even wearing a tiara, one CC recognized from her mother’s jewelry collection. DD was a princess, and every eye in the room was on her.
For the rest of the evening CC tried to disappear in the background. She had to stay in the spotlight while her mother was giving her speech, putting special attention on her children. After the speech CC was introduced to several of mother’s friends, all of them with boys her age or slightly older.
"You can go now."
CC looked up at her mother, not understanding. But her mother had turned towards Parker, Patricio, Payton, who waved her off before grabbing mother’s arm and taking her to the bar, leaving CC standing alone in a room full of people.
Day 2 - December 24th 1973
"You’re sure you don’t want to join me? My mother wouldn’t mind at all, she is all about 'the more the merrier'." Sarah asked as she was stuffing the last bits of laundry in her duffel bag. "And you could talk to my brother again, he’s been asking about you," she winked.
With a polite smile CC shook her head. Spending a long weekend with John sounded like just about the worst thing imaginable. Sarah had this fantasy of setting her best friend up with her brother and keeping her close forever, but John couldn’t be less CC’s type if he tried. He was a business major at Harvard and was everything CC knew she didn’t want for her future. Golfing on the weekend, visiting the club with his sorority brothers, and primed to get a position somewhere on Wall Street. Where would that leave her? A trophy wife, which is what John had hinted at.
Sarah wanted nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom, doting on her 2.5 children all day long. CC wanted more. She wanted control over her life. No one, especially not a man, was going to tell her what she could or could not do. She was going to make her own money.
And besides, she had been planning on spending Christmas in New York with her father and brother. She was going to drive up on the 24th and then just stay in town for a while. It would have been amazing to see Noel and her dad again. Noel had helped her move into her dorm last summer, but she hadn't seen him since. He had had to return to Boston quite soon afterwards because he had just gotten tenure and had to prepare for the upcoming semester.
To spend time with the both of them, in New York, was the best Christmas she could have wished for. Just hanging out, maybe catch a show, do a bit of shopping, visit a museum.
But today was the 24th, and she was not in her car driving north. She hadn’t packed. Instead she was wandering aimlessly through the aisles of the local supermarket, trying to figure out what she could get to cook for herself in her dorm.
Her father’s secretary had called yesterday. Apparently her father had to go out of town on business. Some deal in Japan that could not wait for the holidays. But CC was more than welcome to make use of Stewart’s apartment if she wanted to.
She had talked to Noel. He hadn’t heard the news yet that father wouldn’t be in New York, but seemed to welcome it. He was so busy with his new workload, and had been invited to spend Christmas with his new boyfriend. This made the choice not to come to New York much easier, saying the journey down would be too much for just a few days, and his time would be much better spent in Boston.
Better. Without her.
She could still go to New York. She had the trip planned. She had a place to stay.
Her father’s apartment was not her home though. She didn’t have a room there. Instead, she was going to stay in one of the guest rooms. And wandering the city alone didn’t quite have the same appeal as doing it with Noel.
So she stayed in Bryn Mawr. What other option did she have for Christmas?
Her mother hadn’t invited her in years. Not that she wanted to go. She’d heard from Noel that BB was yachting in the Mediterranean with a beau and DD.
Other friends had invited her, just like Sarah, but to be honest it had sounded more like a courtesy than a real invite. However, that would mean playing happy family with a bunch of strangers, something she’d done long enough with her own family.
Only later she realized that staying at her dorm had one small problem: the dining halls would be closed over Christmas. Which left three options: trying to get a reservation at a restaurant, see if anybody would deliver, or cook.
After a few calls to the restaurants that Sarah normally ordered from for them, CC had resigned herself to her fate. Cooking on the hot plate was not something she was familiar with, normally leaving that to Sarah.
The aisles were too full. Apparently everybody in town had postponed their preparations for Christmas dinner to the day before, and not only that, decided to give all their socializing a head start. So many carts. So many people. All stopping to chat, to decide between four cans of cranberry sauce which undoubtedly all tasted the same.
She wished she could just get what she needed, but she didn’t know what to get. Twenty-years-old, but she never had to cook for herself before, especially not out of necessity on just a hot plate instead of a full kitchen.
In the end she left with something new she’d heard other students talk about: a cup of noodles that just needed some hot water. It didn’t seem very appetizing but at least it was food. That, some crackers, bread and cheese would have to do until the dining halls reopened. At least they had plenty of wine on offer.
Day 3 - December 25th 1987
"Thank you so much for coming, CC, we loved having you," Sarah said, with a warm smile, when she pulled back in the hug she was giving CC. "Are you sure you don't want to stay another night? It is so late already."
CC was very sure. Sarah was her best friend, but there was only so much family time she could handle. She was sure the children were brilliant little geniuses, but after spending all day with them all she wanted was a quiet room where no one was touching her or screaming in her ears.
"I'm sure. Thank you for inviting me and the wonderful day I had. Enjoy the trip to England, and I will see you all back here in the new year."
With that CC turned around and left the Sheffields in the happy chaos which the living room had become during the day. Toys were strewn everywhere, and Maxwell sat on the ground in front of the couch trying to put together a walker for baby Grace. Meanwhile Brighton was chasing Margaret, who ran towards Sarah to escape her brother. CC was glad to close the door behind her.
Finally back home, she sank into her couch with a drink, not even bothering to turn on the lights.
She had known Sarah was perfect for Maxwell, which was why she had introduced her to him years ago. And it had been one of the best things CC had ever done. Maxwell and Sarah were sickeningly happy together, Maxwell had stopped chasing women (eleven girlfriends in just four years was quite enough, thank you very much), and CC saw her best friend nearly every day. While the life of a stay-at-home trophy wife and mom was not for CC, she knew Sarah loved every minute of it and had been done with her working life almost before she even started.
What she hadn't anticipated however was that Sarah would want to involve CC in everything. Every family dinner, every outing, every event, every holiday, Sarah always made it a point to invite CC. And CC nearly always declined. Especially Christmas, always claiming other obligations as not to hurt Sarah's feelings.
Except this year Sarah somehow spoke to Stewart before asking CC, so she knew CC didn't have anything else planned, not with family, and she had no other friends. There was no way she would let CC decline this year.
After work on the 24th, CC had stayed at the house, and that evening she had joined the family for the evening service. She hadn't been to one in years, not since before college. It was gorgeous, if very busy.
Brighton amused her by asking a million questions, about the things he saw, the things other people did, the things mentioned in the sermon. And she had to hold in her chuckles at seeing Maxwell trying to both keep Brighton happy by answering his questions, but also trying to keep him quiet, all while being shushed by the people around him. Margaret was sitting quietly in between Maxwell and Sarah, and Sarah was busy trying to keep Grace happy.
She had spent the night at the Sheffields. Sarah had insisted. They would open presents pretty early, at the moment Brighton's patience would run out and he would wake up the whole house.
All day today she had spent with the family. Well. In the same house as the family. The kids didn't really know what to make of her. Margaret ignored her, Brighton teased her as much as everybody else. At least he wasn't intimidated by her. And Grace was too young to care. So young it made CC uncomfortable, so she didn't really involve herself with her.
CC envied Niles, who had escaped the mayhem by flying home for Christmas. The Sheffields would join him later. For now it meant that the one entertaining thing about the house was gone, and CC was stuck without any snarky banter to distract her from the family. Not to mention the whiskeys he would sneak her when he felt she needed one. And she had needed multiple these past few days.
She knew Sarah had invited her to include her, make sure she wouldn't be alone on Christmas. And it had been a perfect Christmas, one straight from all the movies she had seen before. A happy family, perfect children, presents, a tree, a fire, a turkey at dinner. But seeing a family together, a family she was no part of, a Christmas she was enjoying from the sidelines, it all made her feel more lonely than ever. As if she was on the outside, looking in through the window.
It was a familiar sensation, much discussed in her sessions with Dr. Bort, who had said it was jealousy and resentment. CC refused to accept that. Sarah was her best friend, and Maxwell her well-respected business partner. She wasn't jealous or resentful of their happiness, they both deserved it.
Dr. Bort had refused to let go however, explaining it was jealousy, because Maxwell and Sarah were the kind of parents CC had wanted. If they, with their similar background to CC's parents, could do it, why couldn't BB and Stewart? What was wrong with CC that they never seemed to care?
Sitting alone in her apartment, she sighed. Christmas just wasn't her holiday, and it never would be. Next year she had to work a little harder on politely declining Sarah's inevitable invite.
Day 4 - December 23rd 1990
She had heard it said that Christmas was a reset of the year. That no matter how awful a year had been, Christmas existed outside of time, a little safe pocket of time where you could forget about all the bad things that happened before you had to face it all again in the new year.
Bullshit.
Nothing could make her forget this year. Nothing could fix it.
And not just her, an entire family was shattered. In shock. Heartbroken.
She was doing her best to keep the business going. To give Maxwell the semblance of a day-to-day rhythm. Make him sit at his desk (where he stared at scripts, not reading any of it, agreeing to whatever CC suggested). Drag him to the theatre (where he sat in the chair, not seeing the stage). And in the end she did all the work on her own, refusing to let the company die with everything else around them.
Meanwhile Niles cared for the children the best he could. They had lost both their parents, and were too young to understand any of it. Niles was no substitute, but he had to try. Nannies were hired to help, but none of them could connect to the children, letting Brighton's behaviour scare them away. CC believed they were happy to leave the house of darkness the Sheffield mansion had become.
And Christmas was upon them. The first Christmas without Sarah. Without her best friend. Without Maxwell's love. Without the kids' mother.
There was no way they would be able to do this. Not with Maxwell withdrawn from everything, while the children needed him. They had both tried to get him interested in Christmas, but he blocked all of their attempts. Vehemently. He refused to make plans. Buy gifts. Decorate. Sarah did all that and without her he didn't see why anyone would want to celebrate anything ever again.
So CC did the only thing she knew would save Maxwell's image for the children. He couldn't be mentally absent if he was physically absent. When the request had come for their work at a benefit in Washington D.C. on the 25th she had accepted it.
She had had a big fight with Niles about it, who refused to understand her reasoning. He resented her leaving him alone with the children, and she felt bad for him, she did. One day he would realize there was no other option.
She arrived at the Sheffield house with her bags packed. She didn't trust Maxwell to actually take a car to the airport, even if she arranged it for him, so she had decided to just leave from the house with him. She hadn't realized the children would want to say goodbye to him, asking questions about Christmas and when he'd be back to celebrate.
Niles was trying his best to calm the children down, answer their questions, and reminding them they would open presents on Christmas day just like always. He tried to spin it as a fun occasion, because for the first time he would be there, and they could show him exactly how it was done. It worked on Grace and Brighton, but Margaret was not buying it.
"Why can't you stay, daddy? Please stay? We already have to celebrate without mom…"
As soon as she mentioned Sarah, CC looked at Niles, eyes wide, before they both looked at Maxwell. He stiffened, looked at his children with the most heartbroken face CC had ever seen, opened the door and left.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to Niles before following Maxwell to the car.
Day 5 - December 25th 1994
She had been so sure last year had been a fluke. Maxwell getting carried away by his new nanny who had influenced the children to work on him. Leaving her at the airport during the Christmas rush, with hordes of angry travellers and one extremely annoying bell-ringing Santa. The benefit had been a bust too; after she missed her flight because of her temper it had been taken over by a local producer.
She had worked all year to get back into the good graces of the organization just for Maxwell to cancel their involvement all together. He wanted to spend Christmas with his family from now on. Worse, he wouldn't let CC take over either, even though she had nothing better to do on Christmas.
She had planned to just work through the holidays, working from home on Christmas day to give the family a wide berth. But then Maxwell had shut down the office on the 20th. Forbade her from taking any work home.
So she had been bored out of her mind the past four days. She had watched movies, read books, took walks with Chester. Braved the grocery store. She hated how crazy everyone went during this time of year, swarming the shops as if the end times were coming.
And now it was Christmas day. The house was empty. Quiet. She was alone, just Chester for company.
It was what she wanted, it was what she dreaded.
If only Nanny Fine hadn't messed with a good thing. The past few Christmases she had been able to forget it was the holidays, swamped as she had been with the benefit. Maxwell hadn't cared for Christmas either, so they could just work together, return home after Christmas, and by that time Niles would have cleaned up any trace of the festivities.
Nanny Fine had nudged Maxwell to invite CC for Christmas, a few weeks ago, when CC was in the office with them. She had felt unnerved, both by the idea of spending Christmas with the family, and the idea that Nanny Fine felt she needed a pity invite. She knew how much Nanny Fine disliked her, and to be fair, CC wasn't very fond of the woman either. It was nothing too personal, they were just very different. She also found it difficult to see Nanny Fine's position in the family and her relationships with everyone separately from her memories of Sarah. It felt too much like Nanny Fine was replacing her, and she should never have had to be replaced. It brought all the pain and anger back to the forefront, pain CC had finally managed to bury deep inside.
Their problem was also that Maxwell thought spending Christmas with his family was a better alternative than being alone or even working. She'd done it once, and only for her best friend. She wouldn't do it again, not for him, and not for the woman who had taken over Sarah's family. She would not be the outsider looking in, again.
So she was back to Christmas on the couch with a drink in her hand. Not quite alone though, as at least now she had Chester for company.