Archive of Our Own

Day 6 - December 20th 1996

Another Christmas. Alone again. Maxwell had taken the family to England for the holidays, and had decided to go early so they could sightsee a bit. Show his kids where he grew up, went to school, all that nonsense. CC had been invited, but she couldn’t think of a worse time. To be stuck in a rainy, gray, depressing country with a happy family while learning more about Maxwell’s happy childhood. Well, maybe not happy, but apparently happy enough that he didn’t want to forget about it the way she did.

She had tried to convince Maxwell to let her get some work done. He refused. She was so done with the way he always wanted to micromanage everything she did. Even now she was his partner in the company, he still ran everything as if she was not to be trusted. He had shut down the company again for the holidays, and that was that.

Maybe a few weeks away from it all would do her good. Of course she had been in denial for too long these weeks were coming, and hadn’t booked a nice getaway for herself. She would kill for a cocktail on a beach somewhere, but all the places she enjoyed had been booked. There was no way she would suffer a flight during Christmas time in economy to a generic resort somewhere.

So here she was. Home. Alone. Nothing to do. No one to see. All she had to look forward to were some long walks with Chester until he complained about the rain and cold. A nice lunch somewhere. She would go see a movie she had wanted to check out. Go to a couple of shows to see what they were up against and to get some new ideas. Not that Maxwell would go for them.

A knock on the door startled her. The doorman hadn’t called to announce a visitor, and she wasn’t expecting anything or anyone.

Looking through her peephole she was surprised to see Niles, holding something covered with a towel and fidgeting. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be in England with the family. Wasn’t he? She hadn’t really been paying attention to the planning of the trip, and had just assumed he would go with them. He never refused a free trip.

Making sure she looked at least somewhat decent she unlocked the door and opened it for him.

"Niles? What are you doing here?" Her tone was stern, trying to convey her annoyance. His visit couldn't be a good thing. Either something was seriously wrong, or he was planning some sort of prank. She hated that he was disturbing her peace this way, making her on edge for whatever he was going to do or say.

He looked at her briefly before looking away again. "Uhm. I… I was cooking dinner and made too much for me on my own, and I figured…" He took the towel off of whatever he was carrying, revealing a tray with several plastic containers, fogged up from the heat.

"Maybe you would like some too? I mean, if you haven’t eaten yet, or weren’t cooking for yourself or hadn’t…"

"Just come in Niles." She stepped aside to let him pass. He had been in her apartment before, sometimes driving her home after a late event. But he was looking around as if it was his first time.

She closed the door behind him. He was putting the containers on her bar.

"I made some lemon zucchini pasta with chicken, some bread and garlic butter, and I didn’t know if you had any white wine so I brought a bottle."

He still wouldn’t look at her.

"Why?" It was the only question she had, but it covered so much. Why wasn’t he in England? Why had he cooked too much for him alone? Why didn’t he put it in the fridge, instead opting to share it with her? Why didn’t he ask her to come to the house? Why was he being so nice?

He looked up. "I… uhm. I…" He put the towel in his coat pocket and walked to the door. "Well. Enjoy. If you want to reheat it, you can pop it in the microwave, low heat, five minutes. But it should be good."

He opened the door and left, almost fleeing CC’s apartment.

What was that all about? The visit, if you could call it that, had lasted not even five minutes. She walked over to the bar to inspect the containers he had left her. They were still hot.

She hadn’t really given dinner much thought yet. She would probably have reheated yesterday’s Chinese or maybe have ordered in some sushi. She might as well eat what Niles brought her.

His fumbling made her think it wasn’t a prank. If he had done something to the food he would be much more confident, trying to lure her into a false sense of security. And he would have stayed, seeing how she would react. He would probably also do it at a time where other people would be around to see her humiliation.

The pasta smelled great, and CC set the table. She didn’t eat at her table very often, never bothering with it if she was by herself. But somehow it felt appropriate now.

The wine was cold, the food was warm, and it tasted delicious. Lemon pasta was one of her favorites, and no matter how contentious her relationship with Niles was, he could really cook. Maxwell didn’t like lemon-based dishes, so Niles never made them. Why today?

He had cooked something Maxwell didn’t like, but she did. He had cooked so much of it that he had leftovers, and instead of saving them, he brought them to her. He brought them so quickly after finishing cooking that the food was still hot by the time he arrived. He had taken time to pick out an accompanying wine and chill it.

And then he dropped it off and left. No explanation.

Why?

Day 7 - December 21st 1996

The weather was terrible. It had been raining all day, and even Chester was fine with just a quick trip outside to do his business before dragging her back into the building to laze in front of the heater she had put up for him.

Not feeling like going out, she had spent the day lazing about, reading a book, watching one of her favorite movies, cleaning out her closet.

Slowly, she was getting used to not having much to do. Relaxing. Taking time to do the things that deserved time.

Around six there was a knock on the door. She was less surprised than yesterday, but still made sure to check who was at the door.

Niles, again with something covered by a towel, again fidgeting.

She opened the door and stepped aside.

He looked up in surprise and when she gestured him in, walked over to the bar to unload another batch of plastic containers.

"Good evening, Niles." She smiled. It was kind of enjoyable to see him so uncomfortable.

"Uhm, yes. Good evening. I was… uhm…"

"Cooking?"

"Yes. Yes. Cooking. Made too much. Thought you might like it."

"What did you make today?" She wandered over to the bar, taking a peek in the biggest container. "Ooh, mushroom risotto, my favorite."

It smelled delicious. She opened one of the other containers. Strawberry cheesecake. A moan almost escaped; she hadn’t had strawberry cheesecake in such a long time, and she loved it.

Niles was standing there, waiting for her reaction.

"Thank you, Niles. It smells delicious. And yesterday too. Much better than reheated three-day-old Chinese."

He smiled, a slight blush rising to his cheeks. "You’re welcome."

"But you can’t tell me you can’t cook for one. And that you just happened to cook some of my favorite dishes. And then took the time to find the perfect wine." She glanced at the bottle of red he placed on the bar, looking guilty.

"No. No I guess not. It’s just…" He stood up straighter, gathering courage.

She raised an eyebrow, curious to see what he had to say.

"I was alone and I thought you might be alone and…" He shrugged. As if that was explanation enough.

"And what? This is out of pity?" She frowned. Yes, she was alone. Had been for a very long time, really. But the last thing she wanted or needed was pity.

He lifted his hands in denial. "No, no, not pity." He sighed. "Friendship."

He said it so softly that at first she thought she misheard him. Friendship? Him? Her? Them?

"Don’t be ridiculous."

He shrugged. "Friendship. One friend doing something nice for the other."

She huffed. "I know what friendship is. I also know you and I aren’t friends." She shook her head. It was ridiculous. This man had caused her harm. Had teased her for years. Had hurt her. Had not cared that it hurt her.

"We aren’t enemies either." He looked at her, almost willing her to understand.

Of course they were.

Everything he did was to tease her. Make her look like a fool. Undermine her.

They were.

Even though they had nice moments. And she liked the way he kept her on her toes. Made the days less dull. Challenged her in a way nothing and nobody else did.

But they weren’t friends.

Could not be friends.

Could they?

She looked at him again. He didn’t seem to have an ulterior motive. Twice now he had made her favorite food and brought it over. If he had made enough for himself, it would be cold now, back at the Sheffield mansion.

Maybe they could.

With a soft smile she thanked him. The tension leaving his body was visible. He grabbed the tray and towel and walked to the door.

"Oh, Niles? Bring enough for two tomorrow."

Day 8 - December 22nd 1996

She had known Niles for twenty years. More even. Yet within two days he had turned everything she thought she knew about their relationship on its head.

He thought they were friends. Or at least, they could be.

All day she had been going over their interactions in the past.

There were so many ways that the things he did hurt her. He preyed on her insecurities while she tried so hard to seem calm and collected. His pranks sometimes went way too far, messing with business, messing with her health.

Many therapy sessions had been devoted to all the things Niles did to get under her skin. Dr. Bort always had much to say about it, about how if she hated the situation so much, she should maybe find a different job, or find a way to not be at the house so much. Avoid him.

That had never been a viable solution though. There had been times they hadn’t seen each other for a period of time. When he went to England to see his family. Whenever she had to go on a business trip, or went to see her brother in Boston.

And despite claiming she hated him to anyone and everyone who would listen, she was so happy when she was back and he hit her with a zinger right when she came in. He was the only person who talked to her like that. Who didn’t take her cold hard exterior as the truth and kept challenging her.

Those times that she needed help, needed someone, he was always there. Always acting just as correct as she needed him to be. And those events they went to, just the two of them? They were the best, bitching and gossiping together about everyone in the room.

Maybe friendship wasn’t as ridiculous as it had first seemed. Maybe she should see what his plan was. Starting with tonight, if he had listened to her.

Around six the expected knock at the door came. She took a quick glance through the peephole. He looked a lot more relaxed than before, and instead of a tray he was holding two heavy looking shopping bags.

When he came in, he put the bags down and took off his coat. She was ready to take it from him. He raised his eyebrow in surprise but handed it to her. She hoped this small gesture, making sure he wasn’t serving her in her own house, was a good start to show him she had been thinking about what he said yesterday.

He followed her to the kitchen, and together they unpacked the feast Niles had cooked for them. He went all out, with several starters, mushroom soup, a delicious stew as a main dish, and many small cakes as dessert. He had brought various bottles of wine, all paired perfectly with each course of their meal.

She lit the candles on the dinner table, and turned down the lights. It wasn’t that she never ate dinner at her table, it was just so much easier to eat something at the bar or on the couch. Sitting at the table all alone just didn’t feel right. She'd done it the last two evenings because it felt more respectful somehow of the work Niles had put in. And now that she did have company, she was happy to go all out.

To her surprise, it was nice. The conversation was good, and they talked about a variety of subjects. It was almost stupid how well they connected now CC had stopped seeing everything he said as a personal attack or a setup for a prank. Niles was smart, funny, and very observant.

"So, why aren’t you in England? I would’ve thought Maxwell would have offered to take you with them?" Her tone was casual, to hide the burning curiosity. She felt him not going to England was somehow related to this friendship between them he was pursuing.

Niles put down his knife and fork and took a sip of his wine.

"He did. But I declined."

CC frowned. "But why? I thought you would be chomping at the bit for a free trip to see your family. I thought…" she paused, "no, forget that. I actually have no idea." She gave a weak smile.

"I…" he sighed.

"You don’t have to tell me."

He smiled at her. "No, it’s okay. Just have to collect my thoughts because it’s not… It’s complicated and kind of stupid." He took another sip.

"I used to go home for Christmas every year. Back when we first came over here. Even when you introduced Sarah to Maxwell and they got together. Even when the kids were born."

"I remember."

"Mr. Sheffield never minded, neither did Mrs. Sheffield later on. But when she… I stayed home. For the kids. For me. Oh, I don’t know. It is easy to blame the situation, to have some noble reason."

"I’m sorry Niles, I know I," she sighed, "I didn’t make it easier."

Niles grabbed her hand from across the table, holding it in his.

"You did what you could, as did we all. And I hadn’t been comfortable back at my parents’ for Christmas for a while."

She kept quiet, watching him, giving him time to tell his story.

"Christmas was always… It was religious of course, for my parents at least. Evening mass on Christmas Eve. But the family aspect of it was much bigger. After the Sheffields divorced there was never a Christmas celebration at the house anymore, so my parents always got the days around Christmas off. They hosted at their cottage, and everybody came over. Aunts, uncles, my grandparents, cousins. Later on my brothers and sister invited their partners, and then of course their children. It was a full house, but also joyful. We didn’t have too many times where we could all get together, my parents often having to work the special occasions."

"That sounds amazing actually." CC wondered what made Niles so sad. The way he described Christmas was straight out of the movies. The kind of Christmases she used to dream about, before she woke up to her own reality.

"It was. It is. And it’s stupid. But even back then, every year I felt the distance between us widening. At first it was exciting and new, and everybody wanted to know about my life in New York. But the novelty wore off, other people had more exciting changes in their lives. Which was fine. But they got to share all year round, and I just got to send letters, maybe have a phone call once a month. I didn’t feel part of the family anymore."

She nodded, encouraging him to go on.

"And then I missed Christmas for a couple of years. I didn’t go back in the summer either. My parents always kept in touch, but my siblings… They had their own lives. Young kids, busy jobs. It wasn’t on purpose or anything, but you just lose touch, you know."

He looked at CC for confirmation, and she nodded as if she knew. She didn’t. She felt like she had lost touch with her siblings as soon as they were born. Maybe not as much with Noel, but she’d never been close to DD. And while she was sure their lives were busy, the reason they lost touch was that they just didn’t really need her.

"Christmas, it was always a time to reconfirm where I came from. The family that always supports me. The land I grew up on. The friends I had. And I felt less and less a part of that. I went back once, last year. It was the first Christmas I spent with my family in six years."

He sighed and looked down at his hands.

"I was a stranger. The children, my nieces and nephews, didn’t remember me. The young ones were scared of me, I was a stranger to them. I missed so much of what happened that most of the stories were foreign to me. There were new inside jokes I didn’t get. It wasn’t a comfortable homecoming. It just confirmed I didn’t belong there anymore."

CC turned their hands over, and caressed his hand. "I understand. Better to be here alone than feel uncomfortable and alone in a crowd."

He shrugged. "Yes, but also," he looked at her, "when I really thought about it, I wanted to spend Christmas at home. In New York. With you."

Opening her eyes wide, she stammered, "What?" What did he mean? With her? Out of all the places in the world, all the people in the world, he wanted to spend this time with her, here?

"When I got back last year I was having a hard time, and took some time to figure out why that was. And then I tried to visualize what a good Christmas would look like. Who I would spend it with. You."

She swallowed away the discomfort. "Why not the Sheffields and Nanny Fine?"

Because there was no way that he was saying he chose her over them. It must have been because they were spending their Christmas near his family and he didn’t want to join. Because the alternative was being alone, and she knew he hated being alone.

"Miss Fine is a dear friend but the thought of spending Christmas with her and undoubtedly her entire family is too much. And the Sheffields… I will always be their employee, no matter how close we are."

"So I am the best of the rest?" CC couldn’t help but feel a bit bitter. It seemed to her he only wanted to be with her because she wasn’t as bad as the other options.

Niles smiled and shook his head. "No, you are just the best. I like spending time with you. Despite all the words we share I feel there is a deep respect between us. When we put that behind us we share good conversation and we are very similar. Like I said yesterday, I consider us friends. Good friends."

"I…" CC looked away. It felt like Niles was giving her too much credit. "I don’t know what to say. Thank you."

They continued their dinner and their conversation late into the night. The mood had changed, but not in a bad way. CC felt more relaxed, and Niles also seemed to be more comfortable. They even joked around a little bit, trying to find a way to still banter, but without the animosity that sometimes got to be too much.

At the end of the evening CC invited Niles over for the next night. She asked him to bring a Christmas movie to watch, while she would order in this time, not wanting to always make him cook for her.

Day 9 - December 23rd 1996

Niles’ words kept going through her head all day. Out of all the people he knew, his family, his friends, the Sheffields… he wanted to spend Christmas time with her. Somehow that felt like a bigger bombshell than his statement that they were friends.

Friends could be casual. Friends could be as simple as not enemies. Friends had a drink every now and then.

But it was clear that Christmas was very important to him. The way he described the Christmases of his youth with such a happy smile. The pain he felt when he realized the connection between him and his family had changed. He said he had really taken time to think it through before reaching the conclusion she was the one that would make this Christmas a good one.

She didn’t know what to do with that information. That was a role, a responsibility no one had ever given her, had ever asked of her. It was something that she had assumed many times in the past with her family before realizing she was kidding herself, and it was healthier to not rely on other people. That there was no one to rely on but herself.

And for it to be Niles of all people. Niles, who in just three evenings, had casually turned their entire relationship on its head.

She should be weary. She had learned the hard way in the past that putting too much trust in Niles would end up with her getting hurt. The casual evenings they spent together were nice, but this was turning into more. He was turning into more. Could she follow the plans he had made for them? Spend Christmas together? A time she associated with loneliness and pain, a time where she always felt the most vulnerable?

It felt like madness. But what if he was truthful? What if he actually did care for her, as more than just a casual friend? What if she went along with it, and this turned out to be the Christmas she always wanted? One where she was wanted. It was a chance she had to take.

She had decided to order in some sushi. She didn’t quite know what Niles liked, so she just ordered a big sharing platter, figuring the leftovers could cover lunch the next day. At the store she had gotten some movie night staples: popcorn, candy and soda, and a fine white wine to accompany the sushi.

The knock on the door stopped CC from checking all her preparations for the umpteenth time. She was no stranger to ordering food, but it was always just for her. She’d like to come across at least half as competent as Niles at feeding people other than herself. The food had arrived before Niles was due, so she’d had some time to set the table.

Niles was carrying a Blockbuster bag with at least two tapes inside, but he left the bag on the coffee table before walking over to the dining table.

"Oh, sushi, it’s been a while. And you got all my favorites! It looks delicious." He smiled at her.

She gestured to the seat for him to sit down, and couldn’t help but return his smile. She didn’t need his approval, but somehow it felt good to see him happy with her choices.

Dinner was very enjoyable. CC recognized that Niles was trying to ask her about her experiences with Christmas, but she really didn’t want to taint his positive associations with her memories. Christmas just wasn’t that special to her, never had been. She wasn’t ready to share why, it wouldn’t do anyone any good and she didn’t need him to feel pity for her. Let him think she spent Christmas alone because she was alone, that was bad enough.

When they had eaten all they could Niles helped her wrap up the leftover sushi and clean up. She prepared the snacks and drinks for the movie and put them out on the coffee table, glancing at the bag, trying to make out which movies he had chosen.

Somehow she felt it would say a lot about him and their relationship. Would he pick some safe classics like Miracle on 34th Street or It’s a Wonderful Life? Or would he go for comedy with Home Alone? Maybe he would make fun of her dislike of Christmas with Scrooged or even The Nightmare Before Christmas?

But he picked, so it was up to him to reveal the movies. As with everything he did, especially these last few days, she was sure he made a very conscious choice. She grabbed some blankets and made herself comfortable on the couch, waiting for Niles to join her.

"You didn’t even take a peek at the movies I chose?" Niles laughed while picking up the bag which was still in the same position he had put it before dinner.

She shrugged. "I figured you wanted to surprise me, so," she waved her hand, "go ahead. Surprise me."

He smiled and turned around. Unpacking the two tapes while hiding them from her, he then turned around, still hiding them behind his back.

"Now, there are many Christmas movies. Some are classics, movies we at the Sheffield household have seen over and over again, courtesy of Miss Fine. Some are newer, still have to prove their staying power. Some aren’t even Christmas movies, but maybe should be seen as Halloween movies."

She chuckled at his showmanship. "Get on with it Niles, I would actually like to watch a movie tonight, not an impromptu Christmas movie speech."

"Fine, fine. The movie I picked for us to watch is," he did a little drum riff on his leg, and revealed the movies he was hiding, "Die Hard, one and two."

She looked at him in confusion.

"Don’t look at me like that. These are certified Christmas movies."

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"They are. They take place on Christmas Eve, the main character wants to be with his family for Christmas, and they feature Christmas songs."

"A tenuous link at best." She chuckled.

"Good enough for me. And I figured you didn’t want an overly sentimental or moralizing movie about the value of family or charity or something corny like that."

"You are right about that. I guess you did pick a Christmas movie. Pop it in." She gestured to her VCR while she grabbed the remotes.

A little while later they were warm underneath the blankets on the couch, the bowl of popcorn between them. CC wasn’t sure what she had expected when she asked him to bring a movie, but it wasn’t this. This comfortable silence, just enjoying a movie together. A movie that was fun to watch, even though she had seen it before. A movie that proved again how well he knew her.

It was early when the movie finished, and neither of them were ready to let the night end. After a short break Niles started the second movie. They had switched from soda back to the wine, and CC noticed that when Niles sat back down, he was much closer to her.

He sat right next to her. When they put their legs back up on the coffee table, they were touching. CC froze. Did he mean to do that? He wasn’t acting any differently, reaching over to grab the popcorn bucket and putting it in his lap. He didn’t seem to notice the small existential crisis going on besides him.

He didn’t touch her often. She didn’t like to be touched. It always made her feel uncomfortable. Life had gotten a lot more complicated when Nanny Fine had started working at the house, because she was always touching everybody. A hand on a shoulder, a pat on the back, grabbing someone’s hand. And she never noticed how it made CC recoil.

But Niles had known, almost from the beginning. Maxwell never touched her either, but that didn’t seem intentional on his part, just the way he was raised.

Their legs touching didn’t feel uncomfortable however. It felt… nice. Warm. Comfortable. Close. The way their conversations did. Just another way of letting her know he was there, with her.

"Are you okay over there?"

She swallowed and forced herself to breathe calmly and deeply. "I’m fine. Just start the movie." She avoided looking at him, she knew he would say something about how obviously off-kilter she was just from his touch.

He pressed play on the remote and settled further down into the couch. Eventually CC relaxed and focused on the movie. Until he put his hand on hers, softly rubbing the side with his thumb.

She wondered if he could hear her heart beating. There was no way he couldn’t. It felt like it was trying to leap out of her chest. What was he doing?

"Is this okay?" He asked, softly, as if not to spook her any further.

Was it okay? She had no idea. She’d learned in therapy to turn the question around. Was it not okay?

Was it? It felt… strange. In general, but also coming from him. But maybe not that strange, given the past few days. But this was more than friends. Was that bad?

Not really. Maybe. She thought.

"I… yes," she whispered.

She quickly glanced at him, he was smiling while looking at her, but then looked back at the TV as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

She did the same, unable to focus on the movie, but refusing to look anywhere else but at the TV.

And eventually she relaxed again, enjoying the evening. It was actually really nice. Comfortable.

Day 10 - December 24th 1996

She had slept too long, her mind felt foggy. She was comfortable but not like usual. Slowly she became more aware. Chester was in his usual spot next to her on the blanket, still snoring softly.

Then she realized she was still wearing the previous evening’s clothes. She was under her blankets, but still fully dressed, only her socks had been taken off.

There was no doubt in her mind that Niles had carried her to her bed and made sure she would sleep comfortably, probably after falling asleep on the couch.

She got up, and took a peek in the living room. Empty. Cleaned up, but empty.

She had no idea how to feel about that.

He had taken care of her. Made sure she was nice and comfortable for the night. Chester looked content too, so he had probably fed him and let him out one last time.

But he was gone.

After all that talk about wanting to spend this time with her, to not be alone, to consciously choose her and be with her specifically… he had left. On the couch they had sat together. Close. Touching. So close.

And he had left her.

Christmas was nothing more than a time of pretending. After ignoring everybody all year, it was a week in December where everybody suddenly pretended to care about one another. When the people that didn’t matter all of a sudden could not be missed. Just to be discarded again come December 26th.

And she had known this. Learned this from an early age just to have it confirmed over and over again, every single time she even dared to imagine something else.

But she had started to believe Niles. He had never been so cynical about Christmas. He had experienced that love. He had been wanted.

He had said he wanted to be with her.

He had wanted her.

And she had stupidly believed him. Had fallen for it once again, that illusion that somebody might want her. Need her. Her specifically.

But he had left.

And maybe she could concede that staying had been difficult for him. May have made things more difficult between them.

He had left without a word though.

Her heart broke and froze at the same time. Being alone was never the hard part. It was being alone after not being alone that was so lonely. After having someone, thinking you had someone, and losing them.

She shouldn’t have let him get close. She should have protected herself. She should have sent him away that first evening.

Christmas wasn’t for her, and it never would be.

She walked back to the bedroom, taking a glance at Chester who was still snoozing on the pillow.

After a shower and some coffee for breakfast she felt more like herself. Maybe it was time to get some work done. The stupidest thing about Christmas was that everybody had collectively decided that work stopped for a week or two. Who had time for that? People who didn’t take life seriously, that’s who. People lost in fairy tales of love and family.

Enough of that. It hadn’t gotten her anything in the past, and it wasn’t getting her anything now.

She grabbed her work bag and pulled out a pile of paperwork to review. After taking Chester for a little walk she would dive right in and make sure Maxwell and her could hit the ground running as soon as he came back from England.

The phone rang and startled her. She had been so focused on the papers in front of her she had lost track of time. The sun was setting already, and she realized she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day.

A shrill ring reminded her that someone was still trying to reach her. She didn’t really feel like talking to anybody at the moment, so she decided to let the machine pick it up.

After her own away message and the beep she was surprised to hear Niles. Somehow in her mind him leaving last night had turned into him leaving her. So why would he be calling now?

"Hello CC, I just wanted to check… no, to invite you. Tonight is Christmas Eve and I would like to invite you for a small Christmas dinner at the house. If you want you could… I can prepare a guest room for you, and of course Chester is welcome too. I… I hope all is well. You are probably just taking Chester for a walk or grabbing some last minute groceries. Well. Please let me know. I'd love it if you had dinner with me."

She sat frozen in her uncomfortable dining room chair. She had no idea what to feel, no idea what was going on. For him nothing had changed, or at least, he still wanted to spend Christmas with her. And he didn’t apologize for last night so he… didn’t think he did anything wrong?

What the hell did that mean? He meant to leave her lonely? Or he thought he did the right thing? That she would’ve minded if he would have stayed?

Did she want to spend another evening with him? This specific evening of Christmas Eve?

Her first instinct was to decline the invite. Give up on Christmas.

But that was based on what had happened last night, at the end of last night. If she forgot about that for a second, and just thought about the last four days, and the time on the couch watching movies with him, she was inclined to accept his invitation. To see what he had planned next.

And maybe ask him why he had left. Give him a chance to explain.

Because all this uncertainty made one thing very clear to her. They needed to talk. Both of them. He had shared his reasoning, partly, but she hadn’t really shared her feelings with him. Did she even know her feelings? In general terms maybe, and for now that would have to be good enough. But he did deserve to know.

She didn’t want to lose this closeness. Lose him.

She called him back and accepted his invitation.

~~~

CC Babcock was not someone who avoided scary situations. Meetings with classist backers, misogynistic theater owners, stars with attitude; she didn't care. She was CC Babcock and she was coming to get what she deserved.

But she was also someone who absolutely avoided scary situations. It was just that what was scary to her, wasn't what scared most people. She avoided family settings. Things that dealt with children. Emotional conversations. Feelings. Most of all, feelings. Her own and others.

Which was why she was almost shaking now, riding in the cab to the familiar Sheffield mansion. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than to turn back, go home, grab Chester, and go to bed.

Hide.

Run.

Avoid.

But she was well aware that that was what she'd been doing her entire life. And while she was successful in business, personally she felt much less so. If she ever wanted to change that, she had to be uncomfortable and face her fears.

She had to talk to Niles. About her feelings. And his.

To see if she had the right idea, that he wanted more from her. Between them.

He might say no. She might put herself out there and get rejected. Again. And it would hurt, because she had slowly started to believe him.

But he might say yes instead. He might want her. And she had to admit, she wanted him too.

Too soon the cab stopped in front of the mansion. She grabbed the bag she had spent too much time on preparing and paid the driver before exiting the car. Wiping her clammy hands on her coat she walked up to the door, getting ready to ring the doorbell.

The door opened before she could; startled she looked at Niles. He was nervous too, she could tell right away. He'd been waiting for her to arrive, and had probably been watching her through the front door window. He was almost too attentive, taking her bag, helping her out of her coat. He was talking about the dinner he'd prepared and what they might do after dinner. Asking if she wanted to go to church, but assuring it was okay if she didn't, he didn't mind.

"Take a breath, please, before I pass out out of sympathy with your lungs," she laughed.

Somehow, seeing him this nervous calmed her down. Apparently a lot was riding on this evening for him too.

She followed him to the kitchen, where he had prepared enough food for the Fine family reunion, just for the two of them.

He looked at her, sheepishly. "I cook when I am nervous," and shrugged, as if that was explanation enough.

She helped him move the serving dishes to the dining room, and joined him at the table when they were done. He had decorated the room with a few Christmas garlands, some holly, some baubles, and fairy lights. There were candles on the table for a bit more light, and it created a very cozy and comfortable environment. Romantic almost, if she dared to let her thoughts go that far.

They hadn't said much while setting the table. In silence they put food on their plates, and started eating.

So much that needed to be discussed, and neither of them seemed to know how to start. And they didn't. Dinner was mostly silent, and if they talked, it was about superficial subjects as much as they could. Both knew there was a lot more to talk about, but dinner didn't seem to be a good setting for it. CC was glad, she didn't know if she could bare her soul to him while he was sitting across from her, looking at her.

At least dinner did calm them both down, and reestablished some of the comfortable silence between them. It reminded CC of how relaxed she could be with him.

They cleaned up, wrapping up the leftover food and saving it for later. With a drink and some snacks they moved to the living room. Niles started a fire, and for a little bit they were just lost in thought, staring into the flames.

"Did you…" Niles started, "did you sleep okay?"

CC put down her drink. She had realized after his call that he had no idea what it had meant to her that he had left. And that if she wanted him to know, she would have to tell him. Everything.

"I did, thank you."

"But," she said, just as he was starting to say something. She lifted her hand to silence him. He nodded, giving her space.

She had to know, no matter how scared she was. "How… how serious were you these last few days? About what you want with me, about what you feel?" She hated how soft she said it, so uncertain.

"Because if this is just a joke, a prank, or even just so you don't have to be alone for Christmas, please tell me now. Please don't let me… please just be honest with me." She pleaded with him.

He took her hand in his, pulling her towards him, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"CC Babcock, I am one hundred percent serious. I care about you. A lot. The last few days were more honest than I have ever dared to be. This is not a joke. This is not just because I am lonely. I want to be with you." He smiled. "In whatever way you feel comfortable."

She nodded.

She could see that the last statement made him uncertain. She had to remind herself that he was putting himself in a very vulnerable position too, and he did take the first steps, without knowing what she would have done with the things he told her. He had been brave enough to be open about his feelings, with optimism about where it could lead them. Now it was up to her.

"I did sleep alright," she started, "but I was… sad you left. Angry too."

He looked confused. Worried. Started to talk, but she shook her head.

"Let me explain, because it isn't your fault, it just took me a while to realize."

"You told me what Christmas means to you. Family. Love. Being wanted. Belonging somewhere. And how hurt you were when you lost that, and how you want that with me." He smiled and nodded.

"That's not what Christmas means to me. It's never been like that for me. Not when I was a kid, and not since then. My family is not one of those you see on TV. Maybe in a true crime documentary," she chuckled, trying to make light of the situation. But she knew it wasn't funny. She knew it wasn't right. Therapy had helped her learn that. But knowing and knowing are two very different things.

"When I was a kid, my parents were already divorced. My mother always threw a big ball just before Christmas, and had her children there with her to present that perfect family image. Of her as a loving and caring mother. And I believed it too, for a few years. Until I got older and started being my own person. When I didn't go along with everything she wanted for me. When DD fit her image of a perfect daughter better."

"Later on, I realized that people just didn't want to spend Christmas time with me. I was invited, sure. But when something came up, I was never the one they chose. My father chose business. My brother chose his partner and his work. Maxwell chose his family. Nanny Fine. And I don't fault them for their choices, I understand that people get to make their own decisions about what's important to them. It was just…" she sighed, "never me."

"You're the first. And then yesterday…" she looked down at her hands. "You left me."

Niles gasped. Got ready to defend himself. She raised her hand again to silence him, silently asking for a little more time to explain.

"That's what it felt like. To be so… together yesterday, and so alone this morning."

He gave her hand, the one he had not let go of, a squeeze.

"I've been alone all my life, Niles. And I thought I had made peace with it. These last few days have shown me what I have been missing. What I knew I had been missing. But the loneliness I felt this morning after realizing you had left… It made me think that none of this was worth it. Better to not know what I was missing."

She sighed. "I was angry at you. For misleading me. For pretending to care just because it was Christmas, just like everybody else pretends this time of year. I hate this time of year so much, the way everything shuts down, how suddenly priorities change."

He caressed her hand, the way he had done the day before when they were watching the movie.

"When you called, left your message…" CC took a deep breath, "I realized I was being unfair. I assumed you were just like everybody else I have known. But I figured I had to hear you out. And tell you what I was feeling. See what it is what we are doing. Be honest."

She turned to him, looking at him. He was looking at her, appearing calm, but she could see his other hand tense up and relax.

"So Niles. I don't know what is going on. I won't pretend to understand my feelings well enough to be able to articulate them well. But what I do know is that I really like spending time with you. Talking with you. You make me feel… relaxed. Comfortable. Yesterday you touched me. You never touch me. Not really. Not deliberately. It was… nice." She blushed. She actually blushed. CC Babcock, well known as the bitch of Broadway, forty-something years old, was blushing.

She looked away, not wanting to see his reaction to her words. She had shared a lot more than she had been intending to, and it felt like she'd been talking for hours. There had been therapy sessions that were less scary, personal and draining than this.

His hand on her cheek startled her. She turned back to him, he was smiling. Not in a bad way, not like he got her in his trap. No, as if he was… happy?

"Thank you for sharing that. I know it's not easy for you. I know it took a lot of courage. Thank you."

She nodded, still in shock. It felt like teetering on the edge of a cliff. She could fall down at any moment, lost in the depths. Away from the comfortable world she knew, into the unknown. But maybe, with Niles, the unknown wouldn't be so scary. So bad.

"I know I haven't made it easy on you, not being clear from the get-go as to what I wanted. But I was afraid that if I had just come out and said it, I would have scared you away. I thought…" he sighed, "I thought you probably wouldn't even consider the idea of any type of closeness with me. Friendship or more."

She chuckled. "You're not wrong. But can you blame me?"

He shook his head with a grin. "No. When you invited me for dinner it was the first time I thought you might be open to it. And then movie night…" he smiled at the memory.

"It was nice." She said, smiling. Leaning into his hand, still on her cheek.

"It was really nice. But I thought… I didn't want to overstep. That's why I left. I don't want to assume anything CC, because I realize how hard this is for you. For us."

She nodded. "I know. I guess I was just surprised at how much I wanted you to have stayed. Including taking that decision out of my hands. But that's not fair to you."

His eyes opened wide in surprise. "You wanted me to stay? I thought… I thought you were mad I carried you to your bed. Or that I left without a word. You were upset because you wanted me to stay?"

He sat back and exhaled loudly. She sat back too, but made sure she was touching his side, holding his hand.

After a while, when she felt him relax, she leaned forward to grab their glasses, handing him his glass and taking a sip from her own.

"So. You like me, huh?" She nudged him.

"I do. Is this a sign of the end times? Didn't they mention something about following the devil?" He gave a big sigh.

"Don't know. Feels weird."

"And what about you?"

"Yeah?"

"You like me?"

"What do you want me to do, Niles? Circle yes on a scrap of notebook paper and have it handed back to you in class before the teacher catches us?"

"If it made you give a straight answer, then yes. I would like that."

She laughed. "Don't worry old man, I do like you. Probably a lot more than I should."

He exhaled loudly, like a big weight was lifted from his shoulders.

After staring into the fire for a moment, enjoying the closeness, the comfort between them, Niles cleared his throat.

"So. I like you. You like me."

"We established that, yes." She raised an eyebrow, looking at him, wondering where he was going with this.

"I… Can we…" Niles looked at her, then away.

"Out with it, old man."

"Can I kiss you?" He said, quickly, quietly.

Slowly his cheeks turned red.

He looked away, "Forget about it, that was stupid."

It was her turn now to caress his cheek, to show how much she cared for him. "It's not stupid," she said, right before she leaned in and kissed him.

It was a soft, tentative kiss. Nothing like the overwhelming passion of that drunken kiss they shared before.

But that had been a mistake, one they both unanimously had decided to ignore and never bring up again.

This was not a mistake. This was… everything.

Day 11 - December 25th 1996

She woke up more comfortable than she had in a long time. Not because of the bed, which was hard and lumpy and sorely in need of replacing.

No, she felt safe. Wanted. Loved.

The word that had scared, disgusted and confused her all her life, and now gave her such calm.

And with Niles of all people. She would have laughed in the face of anyone who would have suggested this even a week ago. When Maxwell had left on his trip she didn't think she would see Niles until work resumed, and now…

She turned around to snuggle on his chest. He gave a content grunt but did not wake up.

She wasn't someone that needed a man to be happy or feel complete. She had a pretty fulfilling life on her own. But it was lonely. She had been fine with that, had accepted it. Was finally at the point where she knew it wasn't a flaw in her, and she was fine just as she was.

But this? Being together with Niles? Waking up in his arms?

This felt right.

To her surprise it didn't scare her anymore.

During the previous evening, Niles had slowly gained back his confidence, taking her in his arms, sharing kisses. When it was time to retire to bed his shyness returned. As did hers.

After some talking around the subject they finally had the courage to express what they wanted. Niles wanted her to stay. He had prepared the guestroom across the hall from him just how she liked it. But CC wanted to stay with him. Just sleep in his arms, the one thing she found out she had wanted the night before.

So that's what they did, awkwardly at first, but she knew she'd never fallen asleep as quickly as she had last night, and woken up as well-rested as this morning.

Christmas morning.

She dozed a bit waiting for Niles to wake up. She thought he always woke up at the crack of dawn, but today he had no trouble sleeping in. Eventually he woke up and hugged her close, kissing her head. She smiled and snuggled on his chest.

A loud rumble from his stomach startled her. Laughing, she announced that maybe it was time to get up and get some breakfast.

They each took a shower, got dressed. She met Niles back in the kitchen where he was already preparing breakfast for them; making toast, frying eggs and preparing a tray for them.

"Dining room or living room in front of the fire?"

They looked at each other and at the same time said, "Fire!". Smiling, they grabbed their food and drinks and walked to the living room.

Niles pulled down the blankets from the armchair. With the tree in the background and the lights dimmed, the darkness from the wintry weather outside created a warm cozy area in front of the fire.

After breakfast they just stayed in their safe, warm nest. They read books, talked, watched some movies. Most of all, they were together. The outside world did not exist.

After dinner they sat on the couch, selecting another movie to watch. CC settled in Niles' arms, warm and content. Not only was she not alone on Christmas, she was spending it with someone who had chosen to be with her. Over his family. His friends. And it was exactly the kind of Christmas she needed. No mandatory family moments. They did nothing just because it 'had to be done'. Just an absolutely perfect day together.

She let out a sigh and snuggled even closer, squeezing his arm over her shoulder.

"You okay?" he inquired.

"Mmmm."

"Comfortable?"

"Very."

They were quiet for a bit.

"What do you think about this Christmas?" he inquired.

She thought for a bit. "Better. There is still so much I dislike about this time of the year. Why does real life grind to a halt? Why does everyone descend in tooth-aching sweetness?"

Niles chuckled, and she enjoyed the rumbling of his chest.

"But this is a good Christmas. Very good."

"You know it was never you, right?"

"Huh?"

"The fact that they didn't choose to spend time with you, has nothing to do with you." He caressed her arm. "It is something wrong in them. What parent doesn't choose their child? There was nothing you did wrong, nothing you could have done to make them choose you, because it was never about you. It was about them. You are perfect the way you are, the way you will be, want to be. And I choose you, every time, every way. Always."

She turned her head to him, he was looking at her with such love in his eyes. He held her cheek, wiping away the tears she hadn't even noticed.

He kissed her. "Always."

Day 12 - December 26th 1996

The following morning they had breakfast in the kitchen. At the end of the day the family would be home, and that knowledge made them more subdued. Real life would be here soon, and they probably needed to talk about that.

It made CC uncertain. Because what would he say to the Sheffields? What would Maxwell say? Nanny Fine, who was one of Niles' best friends?

She was mulling all of this over while sipping from her coffee in her usual spot while Niles was clearing away the dishes.

When he was done they moved to the living room again. Niles had left the blankets, and with their books, they sat down in front of the fire.

"What's that?" He asked, pulling CC from her book.

"Mmh?"

He was looking at the tree. Underneath was a small gift, wrapped in red shiny paper, tied up in a golden bow. There was a tag on it, but CC couldn't read it from here.

"Maybe the family forgot to take it to England?" She returned to her book, but a sigh from Niles made her look up again.

"I don't think Santa makes mistakes like that." He gestured to the gift.

Slowly it dawned on her. She stood and walked over to the tree to grab the gift. When she returned to the blankets, she sat next to him.

"I didn't get you anything," she said quietly, feeling bad that she hadn't even thought about it.

"That's not necessary. I just wanted to get you something. I hoped I could give it to you, and I am very happy I can now." He smiled, rubbing her leg.

She opened the gift carefully. Underneath the paper was a dark green box. Opening it she saw a diamond solitaire necklace with a thin gold chain. It was simple, but absolutely perfect. Tears welled in her eyes. He must have gotten it before even the first time he showed up at her place with dinner. Always hoping this would be the outcome, that he would have the moment to give it to her.

"I know it's not much, but…"

She raised her hand to stop him. "It's gorgeous Niles. It's perfect. It's… everything." She took it out of the box and handed it to him so he could put it on her, which he did.

"I thought, if you want, it is easy to hide, so nobody asks you…"

Looking at him, she could see the uncertainty in his face. Seemed she wasn't the only one worrying about real life.

"I want them to ask me. I don't want to pretend this didn't happen. I don't want this to be a secret. Do you?"

All of a sudden she became unsure. Maybe he had bought this simple necklace so she could hide their relationship because he didn't feel comfortable yet sharing it.

"I don't, but…" With a finger he raised her head, making her look into his eyes.

"We have to talk about this. When the Sheffields come home tonight, what do you want to do? And tomorrow, when I have to work again? At the end of the day? Will you go home? Will I…"

She kissed him, to stop his train of thought.

"We'll figure it out. I don't want to hide. I don't want to go back to what we had before. I want to be with you. So maybe I will just stay here for a while?"

He nodded. "You want to spend the nights together?"

"Do you think I'm going to let you go now we finally got here?"

He chuckled and kissed her.

"And then maybe you, or we, can talk to Maxwell about your hours? See if you can get some help around the house so you can work actually reasonable hours? And then you can move in with me."

She had actually given this a lot of thought already, imagining their lives together. It made sense to her to have him move in with her. She was planning to redo some things around her apartment anyway, and they could make sure it was truly a home for the both of them.

Niles sat back against the armchair, staring into the fire. He didn't really respond to what she had said.

"Hey, what's wrong? Don't you want to…" Oh. He probably didn't. She was going much too fast. They had spent the last few days together, but that didn't mean they were ready to move in together, change their lives completely.

"I do. More than anything. But I can't give you that." He said, dejected.

Confused, she asked him why not.

"I can't ask you to move into my room in another man's house. I can't pay a share of the rent on your place. I can't…" He sighed. "That necklace was half my savings. I worry I can't give you what you deserve."

"Stop, please. Don't let money get between us. It never got me what I wanted, don't let me lose the one thing I need. Please."

He rested his head on her shoulder. "You don't resent me for not being able to provide?"

"Bullshit." She was getting angry now. Not at him, but at society, at herself, at everyone who had ever made him believe he was not good enough simply because he didn't earn a lot of money or had his own house.

"You cook the most delicious meals. You prepare the most wonderful experiences. You know what people need before they do. You know what I need, even if I don't think I want it. You care Niles, you care so much and so deeply. And that is worth everything."

She kissed the top of his head. "You're everything."

He nodded, but she had the feeling this was something they would have to keep an eye on. Growing resentment could ruin so much, and she refused to give this up.

"We'll figure this out. Together."

When it was time to go pick up the Sheffields at the airport they had cleaned up the living room and kitchen, and had many conversations about what their future would look like.

Niles would work with Maxwell to reduce his hours, by suggesting he hire a housekeeper. If there were events at the house, Niles could oversee the catering, but not do all the cooking and cleaning himself. And most importantly, he would start working normal hours, so he could go home with CC at the end of the day. Of course there would be times where staying at the house would make more sense, so he would keep his room, but CC would stay with him.

The rest of the time they had spent sharing ideas about the renovations of CC's, no, their apartment. As soon as Niles realized that CC meant it when she said he had as much of a say as she did, he shared the dreams he had always had for his own place. A big kitchen, with state-of-the-art equipment. A library. A good bed. A bathtub.

Together they went to the airport, CC riding with Niles up front. She realized that their happy bubble would break as soon as the family came out of the terminal. But with all the conversations they had had, with all of their history, she hoped that they would remain in sync and together.

When Maxwell came out of the building, followed by Nanny Fine and the children, he stopped dead in his tracks, everybody else bumping into him. He looked questioning from Niles, to CC and back again. Nanny Fine's head appeared over his shoulder, her eyes widening before she started nodding and smiling.

"So you two finally admitted it, huh?" she said, walking towards them.

CC raised her eyebrows, and saw Niles did the same. 'Finally?'

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." Niles said, while taking her bags from her and putting them in the trunk.

"Sure. Keep your secrets. Just know that I am happy for you both. You deserve happiness, and you both look very happy." Fran nudged Niles, laughing.

That surprised CC even more. Not only had Nanny Fine apparently expected something like this to happen, she thought both of them deserved it. Her included. Maybe Fran didn't hate her as much as she had always thought.

Fran stepped back and elbowed Maxwell in the side. He looked at her confused, while she wildly gestured at Niles and CC.

"Uhm, yes, quite right. Happy. Deserve it. All good." He said, flustered.

CC laughed, Maxwell was never good with changes, and he was terrible at emotional moments.

That evening, after some drinks with the family during which they kept most details close to their chest, they lay in Niles' bed together. CC had found her favorite spot again on his chest, playing with his chest hair while he caressed her back.

"I think that went rather well."

"It did, thanks to Nanny Fine. Although I do wonder what she saw in us that this came as no surprise to her."

"Maybe that kiss they walked in on?" Niles shrugged.

"Maybe," she said, even though she wasn't quite sure that was it, "I'm just happy they know and seem to approve, although I think it will take some time for Maxwell to get used to it."

"Lucky for us his way of dealing with this is just to not deal with it."

CC laughed.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For showing me how good Christmas can be when you share it with someone you love."