Work Text:
“Temporary goodbye.” The phrase, the voice – the tears
I’d never heard a phrase quite like that. It sounded as bitter-sweet, harsh, curt and dismissive of the actual situation, unveiling the sting in your heart as some sort of ‘later!’ or ‘see you!’
It’s the first thing I think about, the last thing I think about – I can still hear it. “Just a temporary goodbye.”
I push open my window and close my eyes, say the phrase and I’m back. Back peddling my bicycle, the blustery winds combing my hair, turning my attention to him and burning red at the realisation he’s the only thing in my line of sight.
It was the beginning of the end; the last time I would hear his laugh, see his smile, feel his gaze on me and his warm fingers run through my hair. Regularly, at least. My eyes were too dry to cry when I realised.
Then, without warning, his back had turned, trying to hide the fact the twinkle in his eyes had died out with the comforting smile when he realised I was still standing at the shore. Still waiting for him despite the fact he hadn’t left yet.
I opened my eyes and scoffed – I was still waiting.
The cold breeze cut the sunny grip of our sweaty grip – we pedalled faster, trying to chase the golden sun before it disappeared behind the indigo clouds melting away behind skyscrapers. Metaphorical, in a way.
I grinned, “You’re so slow, Jake,” The skin around my mouth ached from smiling, trying so hard as did my fingers – numb and sweaty from gripping the bars so tightly, but that didn’t matter.
I could feel Jake’s eyes on me, watching with a fond smile while the wind messed up his brow hair. He didn’t seem to look away when I turned to look at him.
Probably too self-aware to let the wave of shyness that crashed over me, get to him and waste time.
Whatever that meant.
I didn’t have much time to dwell on it, and for good reason too, stopping our bikes as the booming sound of waves crashing against the shore. The beach.
“You got your rod right?” Jake asked, setting up all his fishing gear. I merely scoffed, getting out my own equipment and placing my bicycle near his.
“Yeah,” I murmured, tucking my hair behind my ear for the nth time.
I held onto my rod – fishing rod, to be exact – and walked over to where Jake was standing. He was still setting up while I took a seat on the sand and watched the sea.
It was silent, a comfortable silence you could say, when Jake came and took his seat right beside me on the warm sand. I swallowed hard, inhaling the salty mist, eyes falling shut as the sea dampened my cheeks.
“Don’t you miss fishing?” My eyes open to Jake’s smile.
I gulped, tightening my hold around the fishing rod when he passed me some bait to place on the hook, stopping my hand from lingering too long – not now. “What do you wanna catch today?” Jake asks so nonchalantly this might’ve been a normal weekend for the both of us. I turn my head so that I’m facing the sea, sighing through my nose.
“I dunno,” I shrug, fingers combing my overgrown fringe away, “Something I hope,” At that, Jake ruffles my hair, and I don’t mind that I can’t see the sea as well anymore; I just wished it lasted for longer, even a second.
“Course you will,” Jake raised his voice to overpower the blustery winds.
He squeezed my shoulder as if he could sense my nerves – maybe because my comment sounded a little pessimistic – or maybe because he too wanted to hold me for as long as he could.
“You alright?” He mutters softly and I nod, pursing my lips when he draws his hand back.
“Today we’re gonna catch a lot of fish – I can feel it,” He jokes, and with that, we drop the subject.
“It doesn’t really matter. We always put the back in the ocean anyway,” I scoff and let a smirk play on my lips to tell Jake that I was really fine, “And besides I can always catch an octopus.”
He chuckles and for a moment, our eyes lock on each other. I could tell he was trying to tell whether I was okay or not while I just gazed because I could.
“Riki,” I don’t know why I smiled the way I did, probably missing the way my name sounded on his tongue, “Isn’t this nice?” He tosses a glance at me to which I shrug.
Of course, it wasn’t but I guess it was as well. I let a silence filter in – wondering what to say, “What’s nice?” I settle with and smile foolishly when Jake laughs.
“This,” Jake gestures to our scenery, I furrow my brows, “The beach, fishing – everything,”
“Wouldn’t you agree?” Jake raises a brow at me and bumps his shoulder against mine. I curse myself for swooning over every little contact the friction so intense I wonder why he hadn’t given up like I did.
“Yeah, it is,” I lick my lips when my peripheral catches him running his fingers through his hair. My fingers twitch, but I force them to stay coiled around the rod, I sigh.
He shuffles closer. Part of me is happy while the other wonders how long he’ll keep up this safe barrier. “What about us?” Jake mummers, watching as the wind foils his hair, “Isn’t this nice as well?” I scoff.
“It could be better,” I can’t control the painful smile twitching on my lips.
He nods silently, besides the slight scoff that almost subconsciously leaves his parted lips, which leaves me to wonder if he even understood the gravity of what this moment would be to me – to us.
“Would this make it better?” Jake set down his fishing rod and faced me.
And before I knew it, he broke the barrier. He too had gotten bored, too bitter-sweet to not cup my cheek. If he brought his ear any closer, he’d hear my heart against the waves. I placed my rod to the side. He stared at my face, as though he sensed my urgency, wanting to study and linger around it. Then he touched my bottom lip with his thumb, tracing it ever so gently as if he were asking my permission, watching him smile made me fear how long we had left, if any at all, that this was his way of asking how this would all end, and here was my chance to say yes or no so that I wouldn’t live to regret this summers end, it had reached that point -- except, there was no time left, because his lips reached my own, a warm, conciliatory, ‘I’ll-meet-you-at-our-new-beginning’ kiss, till he realised how desperate and clingy I was. I wished I knew how to calibrate my kiss the way he did. However, passion allows us to tell more than we intend, and at that moment on the beach, if I wished to expose my yearning heart in this kiss, I was also desperate to forget the future by losing myself in the kiss.
“Better now?” He asks softly, his voice almost blending in the waves, clearly breathless and flustered.
I froze.
No words escaped my parted lips, so instead, I lifted my face to his and kissed him again, almost desperately, not because I was filed with passion or even because I was filled with passion or even because I missed the sensation, but because I was not so sure our kiss was good enough to be out last. I wanted him to remember the sensation and zeal of my lips as I did him, remember my burning fingers clinging onto his neck as I did with his grip around my waist and cheek. My mind was drifting to the most dumb things.
I didn’t know and didn’t want to know, where this was all leading. But I sensed he was keeping a distance between us, even with our lips touching, our bodies were angles apart. So sensing there was probably not going to be a sequel to our kiss, I began to test the eventual separation of our kiss, how much I didn’t want it to end, only making mere motions to end our kiss, while I begged like this forever – because all we had become, after all these years, months and all the strife’s and all the banter, we were just two boys – one about to graduate while the other still had another year. When I finally pulled away, I drew my knees closer to my chest and faced him.
“I think we should go.”
“No,” I pleaded, “not yet,”
Jake let a broken sigh leave his lips, “I—can I be honest with you, I think you’re really amazing,” my heart stopped as my eyes suddenly blurred.
“I-I can’t—”
He hushed my worried cries by letting his warm finger sear against my damp cheek while the wind howled louder and louder. I flinched slightly when his thumb rubbed under my left eye while his tender smile crumpled at the ends, “… do this without you,” I’m not sure why the last end of my sentence came out so brittle and airy while Jake just smiled.
“Riki,” I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around his neck, squeezing onto him so tightly I was afraid he would disappear in my arms it I didn’t melt into his warmth. Jake ruffled my scruffy hair and rubbed circles on my back while I hiccupped into his shoulder, dampening the sleeve of his shirt, “I love you, Riki – I’m not going to leave you,”
“But you are,” I screamed, shaking my head against his shoulder, “Y-you… you said goodbye remember?”
Tears blur my vision as I let out a wailed cry, the choke clogging my throat to the point I can’t breathe – drowning in my own salty mess. My fingers grip harder around Jake’s denim jacket as a hurricane of emotions attacks me and knocks me into Jake’s warm arms which hold me tightly – but not tight enough.
“Think of this as a temporary goodbye,” His voice attempts to lull away my worry by bringing his lips close to my ear. But my body can’t accept it – rejecting anything that wasn’t more, more Jake. I was stupid, a hopeless romantic, nothing more than a child clinging onto his love, but after today – this couldn’t end now.
“I hate this,” I mumbled, voice too hoarse to speak, “So this is it? This is your temporary goodbye?” my lips quivered when he nodded, but he was crying just like me.
“Yeah,” Jake blinks away his tears, but he’s breathing so harshly it almost sounds like the wind, “Did you know, Riki?” He whispers as his eyes flicker to my frown.
“Know what?” I let my eyes encapsulate all of Jake for the last time, and now his hands were cupping my face.
“When you smile it’s like a little box of happiness,” he laughs, the painful melody echoing in my ears when he presses our foreheads together.
“Why are you doing this?” I mutter breathlessly and his thumb suddenly stops running over my bottom lip, “making me miss you even though you’re not even gone yet?”
Jake hesitantly draws back his hand and smiles through his flossy eyes, “Don’t you want to remember me… remember us?” His voice breaks, and I don’t speak, afraid I may step in the shards of his façade.
“I do, I really, really do…” I cry, “Can I kiss you goodbye… temporarily?”
Jake nods and I flutter my eyes shut, waiting for something long and eager – yearning, longing for some contentment and almost as messy as his thoughts like a futile attempt to escape graduation – something that would make me melt into his touches, but instead, Jake gently brushed his lips over mine, the weak contact causing me to holt, I felt my nerves flare for a second – body reaching out after his but he was already gone.
“Well, we didn’t catch anything,” Jake said, holding out his hand in front of me, trying to brush off the subject. I cringe and stare blankly at his hand just wishing he would hug me instead, almost afraid of making me miss him, but it was too late.
“Goodbye… you know… temporarily, Riki,” He flashed me his signature smile though I paid attention to his eyes which fought back tears, the warm ticklish sensation of a mere tear rolling down my pink cheek made me turn my lips into a pathetic excuse of a smile
“Just t-temporarily…?”
Jake nods, the wind whipping through his hair, the sun setting behind us into a supernova of pink, blues and hazy oranges as the sea cries in the background. In those seconds, I could feel my heart rattle in my chest and my lungs squeeze, trying to scream or lunge out to let myself remember how Jake felt before I let go of him. “Yeah…” Jake declared, “Just temporarily.”