Chapter Text
The moon was high above the Science Kingdom, illuminating its dark, empty streets. All but the faintest sound of activity had faded long ago, and replaced by a calm serenity but still, Stanley couldn’t rid the creeping unease at the edges of his mind. Perhaps it was the quietness, maybe too quiet for his liking, so to be certain, he made one last round around the outskirts before going home.
Stanley lit a cigarette, the small flame dancing on his face, with a flick of his lighter. He inhaled, watching the smoke swirl lazily in the chilly night air as he walked down the dirt path at the edge of the cliff. The view was good but Stanley wasn’t here to enjoy the view but to patrol.
His ears pricked up at a slight rustling from the tall grass around him as he walked but he paused near the bushes, squinting at the sound’s source. “Probably just the wind,” he muttered to himself, but his curiosity won so he decided to continue walking towards the bushes, his boots crunching softly on the ground. When he got there, he thought that it could be just the grass moving along with the breeze, because there was nothing, no movement, and no sign of life. Stanley grimaced and brought the cigarette back to his lips for one last drag as he looked around one last time. “Strange,” he muttered, turning back.
As he turned on his heel, he felt it, something small but hard pulling at his ankle. His breath hitched, and before he had time to register what was going on, his footing tore. The ground dropped from beneath him and his cigarette slipped from his fingers.
“No way! seriously?” Stanley shouted, panic knitting his voice. He twisted in the air, instinct kicking in as he readied himself for the impact. The cliff hung beneath, jagged stones seeming to come up to meet him in fatal arms. With gritted teeth he tried to reposition himself for the fall, hoping to minimize the damage, but just as he was anticipating the inevitable, something unusual occurred. He felt the immediate weightlessness envelop him like arms cradling his body, the world whirled in his vision, then froze, just before he went completely unconscious.
The moment Stanley opened his eyes, he found himself floating in a vast, endless void. Everything was white, no, more like blindingly white, and there wasn’t a single detail to break the silence. He squinted, trying to make sense of his surroundings, but the stillness was unnerving.
“What the…?” Stanley muttered, his voice echoing faintly. “Did I die? Is this some sort of afterlife? What a lame way to die” He groaned, running a hand through his already messy blond hair. “Even Xeno would spend a whole day laughing at me for this.”
Just as he was about to curse his misfortune, a cheerful voice cut through the silence.
“Welcome, Dear Player!”
Stanley’s eyes snapped to the source of the voice. A small, round slime-like creature wearing a comically oversized witch hat floated in front of him. Before he could think, his instincts took over, and his fist flew.
SMACK!
“AHHHHHH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” the slime screeched, wobbling violently in the air.
Stanley blinked in surprise, then quickly grabbed the creature in his hand, squeezing it experimentally like a stress ball. “What the hell are you supposed to be? An angel? If this is heaven, you’re one ugly messenger.”
“HAH?! Ugly?! I’ll let you know I’m adorable!” the slime snapped, its round face scrunching into a very graphic angry expression which is far from being adorable. “And I’m not an angel—I’m a fairy!”
“A fairy?” Stanley raised an eyebrow, giving the creature another squeeze. “Doesn’t look like it. So, what is this place, and why am I here?”
The slime wiggled free from his grip and floated a safe distance away. Clearing its nonexistent throat, it struck a dramatic pose. “Ahem! Let me start over. Welcome, dear player! You’ve been chosen to be the first player of our brand-new Romance Building Event! Congratulations!”
Stanley’s eye twitched. “Romance… what now?”
“I’m Pip, your personal romance manager!” the slime declared proudly, waving a tiny wand with its stubby arm.
“Romance manager?” Stanley stared at the creature, his irritation mounting. “You’re joking, right?”
“Nope! This is completely serious!” Pip chirped. “You see, after the petrification of humans, there’s been a tragic decline in romance on Earth. We’re here to change that by guiding participants, like you, on a journey to find love!”
Stanley’s patience snapped. He lunged for Pip, but the slime dodged just in time. “So, I’m your test subject now?!”
“No, no! Not a test subject—a precious player!” Pip corrected hastily, though its voice wavered under Stanley’s glare.
“I didn’t sign up for this nonsense. Let me out of here!” Stanley barked, crossing his arms.
“That’s not possible, dear player!” Pip teased, playfully waving its wand near Stanley’s face. “You agreed to this the moment you fell off that cliff earlier~!”
Stanley froze, his expression darkening. “So it was you,” he muttered, his voice dangerously low.
Before Pip could react, Stanley grabbed the slime again, his fingers squeezing tighter than before. “You’re the one who grabbed my ankle, aren’t you?” he growled, stretching Pip’s gelatinous body like a rubber band.
“STOP! STOP! I’LL RIP IN HALF!” Pip screamed, flailing its stubby limbs.
“Then let me out of this weird game,” Stanley demanded, his grip unrelenting.
“I CAN’T! YOU’RE ALREADY SIGNED UP! AHHHH!” Pip screeched, writhing in his hands.
With an irritated click of his tongue, Stanley finally let go, tossing Pip onto the nonexistent floor. The slime lay there for a moment, looking thoroughly squished.
“Why was I even chosen for this crap?” Stanley muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Pip floated back up, wobbling slightly. “Well… are you curious now?” it asked, trying to regain its composure.
“Do I even have a choice?” Stanley rolled his eyes, arms crossed.
“Not really,” Pip admitted with a nervous laugh. “You were chosen because, despite being thirty years old, you’re still single and a vir—”
Before Pip could finish, Stanley’s fist shot out, sending the slime flying into an invisible wall.
“Watch your mouth, you little blob!” Stanley snarled, his face flushing with irritation.
“It...’s… true… tho...ugh…” Pip groaned, slowly peeling itself off the wall. “Anyway! I’ll be sending potential love interests your way once you return to Earth. So, bye-bye for now!”
“Wait, what—”
Before Stanley could grab Pip again, the slime waved its wand, and everything around him blurred. The white void dissolved into nothingness, and Stanley’s consciousness faded once more.
When Stanley opened his eyes, the familiar scent of earth and grass filled his nose. He groaned, sitting up slowly, his body aching from laying on the hard, dirty ground. Looking around, he realized he was back on the outskirts of the Science Kingdom. The cliff he had fallen from earlier loomed nearby, its jagged edge a stark reminder of what had just happened, or at least, what he thought had happened.
He ruffled his blond hair, dirt, and small twigs falling from it as he muttered under his breath, “That damn blob... I’ll rip it apart the next time I see it.”
Stanley staggered to his feet, brushing off his coat. His jaw clenched as Pip’s words echoed in his mind.
“Romance, huh?” he scoffed, shaking his head as he started down the dirt path toward his house. “As long as I don’t fall for anyone, means that they lose and I win. I just need to build a wall around my heart—nice and tough. No romance, no problem."
The walk home felt longer than usual, his thoughts weighed down by the absurdity of the situation, and by the time he reached his front door, the exhaustion had settled deep into his bones.
Once inside, he kicked off his boots and decided a bath was nice to have right now. His clothes were filthy, and the grime from lying on the ground made his skin itch. He filled the tub with warm water, sinking into it with a sigh of relief. As the tension began to melt from his muscles, he reached out to the small box perched on the corner of the tub, a place where he always kept his emergency cigarette stash.
But his hand found nothing but air.
“Huh?” Stanley frowned, patting around blindly. “I’m sure I still have a few packs in here…”
He leaned over, opening the box to check, only to find it completely empty. His frown deepened, he wrapped himself in his bathrobe, he marched to his bedroom, heading straight for the bedside table where he kept another stash. He yanked the drawer open—and froze.
It was empty too.
“What the hell?!” he muttered, now rummaging through every corner of the house. Cabinets, drawers, shelves, he tore through them all, but his cigarettes were nowhere to be found. His frustration boiled over as he raked a hand through his damp hair. “Xeno gave me ten boxes last week! Where the hell did they all go?!”
As if on cue, a familiar voice rang out behind him.
“Hehehe, you won’t find them, dear Stanley~”
Stanley turned sharply, and there it was: Pip, floating casually in the air with that same irritating smugness.
“You.” Stanley’s voice was low, dangerous. “Did you take my cigarettes?”
“Of course,” Pip chirped, its little witch hat bobbing as it twirled its wand. “Just to ensure you stay committed to the event and won’t be running away! Consider them collateral. You won’t be consuming any nicotine until you fall in love with someone~”
Stanley’s eyes twitched. “Are you blackmailing me, you slimy little blob?”
“Blackmail? Oh no, no, no! Let’s call it… motivational encouragement,” Pip said with a sly grin.
Without a word, Stanley grabbed Pip mid-air, his fingers squeezing the slime tightly. “What else did you do?” he growled.
“W-Wait! This is for your own good!” Pip protested, squirming in his grip. It waved its wand in a feeble attempt to tap Stanley on the forehead, but he didn’t budge.
Stanley smirked darkly and started walking toward the bathroom.
“H-Hey?! Where are you taking me?!” Pip stammered, its voice rising in panic.
“What do you think?” Stanley said, his tone dripping with mock innocence as he knelt by the bathtub, still filled with water from earlier.
“WAIT! WAIT! YOU WOULDN’T DARE!” Pip screamed, flailing its stubby arms.
“Oh, I would.”
“NOOOOOOO! I CAN’T SWIM! YOU SADIST!” Pip wailed as Stanley slowly lowered it toward the water.
“Then give me back my cigarettes,” Stanley demanded, his patience running thin. “Xeno won’t give me more for at least 2 months.”
“I CAN’T!” Pip shrieked, struggling harder.
“Why not?” Stanley growled, holding the slime just above the water’s surface.
“Go outside and see!” Pip gasped.
Stanley frowned but relented, pulling the slime away from the water and heading for the door. Pip used the distraction to wriggle free, floating just out of reach.
When Stanley stepped outside, his eyes were immediately drawn to the furnace near his house, the fire inside burning brightly. His stomach dropped.
“You didn’t…”
“Oh, I did!” Pip called gleefully from a safe distance. “Your precious cigarettes? All up in smoke~!”
Stanley’s fists clenched, his face a mask of barely restrained rage.
“Well, ciao for now! See you tomorrow, dear player~!” Pip sang before disappearing in a puff of glitter smoke, leaving Stanley standing there, seething with frustration.