Work Text:
Es is the prison guard. Es is fifteen years old. Es is responsible for deciding the fates of the ten prisoners under their jurisdiction. Es is…
As the young teenager sits in their little room, staring at the blank journal page and twirling a pen between their fingers idly, they wonder if this ritual of theirs is actually helping them at all or if they’re just wasting time they could be spending on something useful. Could it be considered a ritual? It's not like they set aside time for it, but with how often they do it, it'd be hard to categorize as simply a coping mechanism. It's not like it does too much to help them in terms of "coping".
Recently, they started cataloguing everything they can say about themselves to help them maintain some sense of identity- taking inventory of their beliefs, personality, memories. Originally they only did it mentally, but when it became hard to get their thoughts in order, they started writing down the things they come up with on paper. Which… admittedly, isn’t much. “Maintain” implies it was already there.
Work is all Es has known for the last several months. Work. Educating themselves, governing the prison, interacting with the prisoners, making decisions on their forgiveness or lack thereof… That’s about all they do. Do they have hobbies? They read books relevant to their duties. Do they have friends, excluding their singular coworker?
… Next question.
They sigh and abruptly shut the journal, nearly tearing a page in the process. As seriously as they take their work, to say that it’s taxing would be an understatement. The cost is severe- sleep, memory, innocence. What they wouldn’t give for some of those back.
The loss of memory has taken a toll on them perhaps most of all- they throw themselves so intensely into their work because first and foremost that’s why they’re here, but also because it serves as a reliable distraction from their own inner turmoil. In the back of their mind, maybe Es hopes to create new memories, construct the person they want to be from the ground up- a person with their own passions and ambitions, with consistent personality traits that draw people to them and the ability to maintain interpersonal relationships that don't circle back to their job. Maybe they know deep down that age fifteen is meant to be spent finding yourself by making mistakes and learning from them. However, they can't afford to make mistakes. They have a job to do. They're not a kid- they don't want to be, and they can't afford to be.
All Es can really do with passable confidence is what they're here to. They can worry about frivolities like mental health when there aren't more pressing issues- they don't need ambitions. They don't need people to like them. Es will tough it out, they know they will, even if it drives them insane. They have no choice but to believe that.
Not knowing who you are does that to people.