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It had been a few weeks since the final war, barely a month since Touya finally got the chance to unleash the rage, sorrow, and hurt that had been festering for so long. Because at the end of the day, what’s a little boy with so many big feelings supposed to do when all he ever wanted was to be seen?
Touya couldn’t remember much from that day, the events themselves were fragmented and scattered, and if he were to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t want to. But what he does remember is how he felt when he got his wish, front and centre, all eyes on him. To finally be acknowledged in his own right. However, Touya also remembers the pain in his family’s voices as they begged and pleaded with him to stop, but as his rage continued to scorch through his flesh, all he wanted to do was apologise to his mother.
So right now, as he was hooked up to some stupid-ass machines and surrounded by their incessant beeping, Touya would make use of the time his mother came to visit when she wasn’t with her soon-to-be ex-husband. He thought it was the least he could do given all the trouble he caused.
“Okaa-san?”
Speaking was a lot harder than it used to be, not because of the pain – he hadn’t felt such a thing in a while. At least physically anyway, but what really made it difficult was the muscle around his jaw that had melted off and the scar tissue in his lungs and vocal cords that make speaking strenuous.
“Yes, love?” There was a brief pause before Touya spoke up again.
“M’sorry…”
Apologising felt weird, not wrong or uncomfortable nor did the statement feel like acid on his tongue. Maybe it was his own sincerity or earnestness that made Touya feel more vulnerable than he was familiar with.
“I know you are, I know”
Rei sighed. She longed to hold her boy in her arms again, to feel the warmth of his cheeks against her cooler ones. It had been so long since she could run her fingers through his unruly hair.
“I am too”
A part of Touya wanted to dismiss his mother, to argue with her. Tell her that she was just apologising for her own selfish reason but he knew that wasn’t true and in all honesty, he knew he should hear out.
“I failed you. I’m sorry.” Those weren’t the words Touya would use but he didn’t argue.
Rei continued her confessional, refusing to take her eyes off him. Not out of pity, nor did she avert her gaze out of shame but rather because even in this state, Touya was still the same beautiful boy she had been blessed with 23 years ago and she knew she had little time left with him.
“I lived my life at the behest of others, doing what I was told to be a good daughter and then a good wife. I rarely made my own decisions…I didn’t know how, and because of that, I couldn't be a good mother. To you or your siblings.”
Rei thought back to her upbringing, and the environment she was nurtured in, although she uses that term lightly. Decisions were made for her, with no consideration for her autonomy or personhood, always at the service of other people, it didn't matter what Rei wanted, it was always about her family status and her former husband’s wants. With no agency, how could she stick up for her children if she never learnt how to stick up for herself?
“I know you must hate me, you have every right to be angry at us…at me.”
Save for the beeping of the medical equipment, the room was quiet as Rei’s admission hung in the air. Her sincerity made it difficult to hold on to the vestiges of resentment that remained, Touya knows he has every right to be angry, bitter and spiteful; he has been so for so long. It had gotten him this far in the first place, his rage was his driving force but he had finally burnt out. Touya, once a fervid child, through no fault of his own had become a pernicious and cruel individual. He never wanted to be this way.
After processing what his mother said, Touya finally spoke up.
“I’m not angry…Not anymore, at least.” He paused, taking a moment to glance over at Rei’s contemplative expression before speaking again.
“I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever did. I was… am hurt.”
Touya never thought he asked for much. What was so criminal about craving the attention of the man who at the time, was the only person whose opinion he cared about? Why was his very existence perceived as a burden? One minute Touya was his parents' entire world, only to become a haunting long before he actually ‘died’.
The rhythm of the heart monitor attached to Touya’s chest began to escalate, he knew he needed to calm down. Shifting and shuffling in his bed, trying to take as deep a breath as his lungs would allow.
“Feeling forgotten, s’not nice. I think that’s what I hate the most.” With no energy to speak with conviction, Touya's voice trailed off. “I…”
Touya closed his eyes, hoping that the feeling of child-like vulnerability would cease. He cringed at the way his voice cracked, it was unrecognisable to him and yet it reminded him of that day he woke up from that coma. It made him churn, knowing deep down that emotional little boy had always been there and would continue to be, even given the time he had left.
Quiet and burdened by the lump in his throat, Touya’s voice cracked again, not speaking as the ireful prodigal son, but as the broken boy begging to be heard.
“I just wanted to be someone you were proud of. I wanted to be important to you again”
Rei’s heart sank deeper. She wouldn’t and couldn’t blame him for those feelings because what other way was there to feel when he was robbed of his family's affection, their time, cast aside and forgotten? It was no doubt easier to assume that your existence was a mistake when no one was there to affirm otherwise. No one to say you were doing a good job, championing your wins big or small.
“Touya.” The sound of her chair scrapping the floor echoed as she moved to get closer.
“You are my firstborn. My flesh and blood, my heart and soul. You will always be my son. Not one day goes by that I regret having you.” She spoke with conviction but so much warm in her delivery. “Please believe me when I say I love you now, just as much as the day I gave birth to you.”
She continued,
“I admire your strength, tenacity, that troublesome stubborn nature of yours. I’m not disappointed in you. I never will be. If I was half as brave as you maybe things would have turned out better”
A tear rolled down Touya’s cheek, never did he think he would receive anything even resembling praise or validation. If even he wanted to convince himself his mother's words meant things, after everything he had endured as a result of life's vicissitudes, they meant more than he was physically and emotionally able to express.
The truth was a bitter pill for them to swallow, so many ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybe’s’ but and the end they knew that ruminating would only rub salt in the wound and neither of them wanted that for the other.
Following another quiet moment, Touya broke the silence.
“Okaa-san?”
“Mhm?’
“I love you too”
They talked for a while longer, about the big things and the small things, the time for mourning the life that could have been once upon passed. Touya was growing tired and Rei could tell.
As Touya closed his eyes, a few words left his mouth,
“I forgive you”
Rei wiped her cheeks as the room fell silent, not the beeping of the machines or shallow breaths from Touya could be heard, it was just her now. She knew she had to leave but Rei wanted to be selfish just once and have a little more time with her boy, only leaving when the Sun fell.
No mother should have to mourn her children; Rei had already done that once, she just never thought she’d have to say goodbye to her firstborn for a second time. If there was a silver lining, there was at least a body to bury this time, and the solace found in the gift that was her son’s final words, the last conversation they had.