Chapter Text
Dear Hijikata-kun,
I have been thinking a lot about Makoto lately. If you are asking yourself ‘Which Makoto?’ then you are a failure to your organization, because I am talking about your Shinsengumi mascot, you Shinsengumi hack. That ignoble centaur archer may not have made an appearance for hundreds of episodes, but Makoto is important. It’s the truth.
Maybe that’s why I have been thinking about him too much. There will be nights when I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and wonder about how that magnificent bastard felt in those few precious seconds right after he shot the arrow into that forest and right before the arrow hit that little girl. It takes me around five more minutes than usual to fall asleep. It’s bullshit is what it is. Or centaur shit, I guess.
I can’t help it though. There’s no turning back for him now that a child’s blood is literally pooling on his back. How does the blood feel? Does it just keep dripping? How does this impact his social life?
I’m asking you now, because there’s a reason that centaur became the Shinsengumi mascot, out of all the centaur archer mascot candidates there were out there, so I feel like you would know best how he is doing. I ask you in particular out of all the brazen tax thieves that make up your excuse for a police organization, because one time Mako-chan told me that you were his favorite. It made me wonder if you kept in touch.
Yeah, sometimes it made me wonder.
This is Gintoki, by the way. Hi.
Gintoki
(In the right hand corner is a shakily drawn circle with the words ‘Musashi wuz here’ written inside.)
Yorozuya:
Don’t use Yamazaki to send me shit letters.
Hijikata
Dear Hijikata-kun,
Good ol’ Jimmy said he was going back to the Shitstaingumi HQ after finishing his duty of handing me your junk mail, so, since it was on his way, I hope you don’t mind me using him to send you this letter that I am using to tell you that I have never sent you a letter. Excluding this one.
If this was your tsuntsun way of getting me to send you a letter, mission accomplished. Don’t expect another, asshole.
Humblest regards,
SG
ps Jimmy just told me that I did actually hand him a letter addressed to you last night. My hangover is preventing me from remembering the specifics, but I stand by it.
Hijikata-kun,
I am writing this letter to you, but it isn’t FOR you this time, get it? This one is for me, so you can’t complain.
What I’m doing here is retracing my steps. I’m back at that bar I was at last week. I have once again ordered their shittiest sake, which is, coincidentally, their only sake, and I am drinking a bunch of it. You wouldn’t like this stuff, because even though it’s your kind of hard, it’s my kind of sweet. I don’t think we’d ever end up sharing a drink here, which is fine by me. Finally a place to myself where you won’t pop up like you own the universe of nearby recreational activities. THIS IS MY TOWN AND IT HAS GLUCOSE.
Anyway, if I write you this letter, I’m thinking I’ll remember what I wrote in that last letter. Not that I care or anything, but since I was around that same back alley bar drinking that same pissass sweet sake, I thought I’d try and drudge up whatever it was. Just to entertain myself. This place has pens and paper at every table like this is some sort of thing people do. Drunk letter. This is my first drunk letter – or that other one was, so I’m figuring it all out as I go.
What do people write in drunk letters? What do they write in drunk letters to demon police officers in particular? Hmmmmmmm.
How many times a day do you wash your hands? I mean with soap. I usually clock in with about two washes – maybe three if I’m feeling fancy. Sometimes it’s just nice to have the option, you know? You seem like you’d know.
Gintoki
(In the right hand corner is a shakily drawn circle with the words ‘Musashi 2020’ written inside.)
Yorozuya:
Drunk lettering is not a thing. You are writing in crayon on the back of paper Danny's menus. Stop giving these to Yamazaki.
Hijikata
Dear Hijikata-kun,
I am sending Jimmy back to you slightly damaged, because you made him deliver your letter to me before noon on a Sunday. My sword dove into his solar plexus on pure reflex. Kagura and I have gone through hundreds of Justaways this way. Though I think Jimmy was already damaged when you forced him to deliver your mail, unrelated to any and all Shinsengumi business, at the asscrack of dawn on a Sunday morning. I’m not saying the words ‘abuse of power,’ but my pen is definitely writing them down. You could very well become Jimmy’s next Justaway if you’re not careful.
With this helpful advice from my end, we can consider ourselves even.
You’re welcome,
SG
ps Jimmy paid me to write down that he says he would never make the Vice Chief his Justaway.
Hijikata-kun,
This is actually pretty great. I know I’m writing you letters when I drink here, but I never remember what I put down, so it’s a fun, new adventure each time. Clean slate, no consequences. Maybe I’m just repeating myself. Do you have a stack of letters that all say the same thing? Are you framing them? You should be framing them in your office. I’ll come and visit the Shinsengumi HQ someday to check and make sure that you’re paying my letters their due respect.
I brought a friend along with me to the joint this time, so he could join in on the drunk lettering. He’s already three Dannys menus in to a letter to his ex-wife at this point.
Heh, he just asked me who I was writing to, and I told him I was also writing to my ex-wife. He’s super curious now. Man, what a gossip. Gin-san’s sordid, imaginary past is none of his business.
Oh, well, if he’s buying the next couple rounds…
I just said I divorced you because you liked your work more than me. You pushed papers, but wouldn’t put out. Hey-YO. That pretend sob story got me another couple rounds from my drinking neighbors. It’s been ages since I’ve had the chance to mooch this much booze off of people! Thanks for the freebees!
Gintoki
(In the right hand corner is a shakily drawn circle with the words ‘Musashi Gettin Down’ written inside.)
(Another Danny's Menu is taped to the back of the above letter, reading as follows:)
My idiot friend is takin your side in al this. Does he have any idea how it fels to be ignored for weeks, months by the one that promsed, PROMISED they were going to have your bac? You can’t suspport each other when one of you ISNT THERE AND DOESN’T KNOW YU’RE PRETND MARRRIED.
Haegawa says I shoud try an calml wrte my feelings to you, so you know my side. Mabe its not to lat, he says. I think that I thik it was too late the day you wer born, becase you cam out of the womb scramin for arrest warrrants and black blakc black coffee instead of lollipops like kid ar suppoed to. You you kept clenchin yur ass cheeks until your ass muscle got so stron that it comepltely closed off yor assshole. You need to try and rlax your ass musscle and let some shit com throuh. I wold have help if you let me, you now, becase I do know. I coul’nt ask for lolllipups ether. You cant keep all tha shit in. Afte a while…
I almos barf on this, but I threw up on Hasaegaas leter instead. He crying in th flor right no, so I dont think he cars. Ha, somone cant handle ther liquoerfhnga
Hi Hij Im bac. Thank for wating. Thanks for listening. I lik thatt your her. I wan lie on ur lap and tak a nap. I want t put u in cage, starv u, then feed you strip of roten letttuce as yu beg for fod frm me. Les go drin ths weeeek. I
Hello Danna,
I was hiding in Hijikata’s closet the other night waiting for him to fall asleep when Yamazaki came in to the room and delivered a letter from you. I thought it was strange that someone would actually write a physical letter in this age of cellphones and hitmen, but then I remembered how dirt poor you are, so I was able to reconcile myself to the issue. Admittedly, I was initially a bit hurt that you hadn’t told me that you and Hijikata were ‘letter writing pals,’ but I was quickly able to forgive you once I witnessed firsthand how you used the message to provide Hijikata with a heaping pile of mental torture. It was expertly done, Danna.
The first page of your letter just seemed to make him his everyday kind of angry, but the second page was a bullseye. The further along he read, the more uncomfortable he seemed to get. He started white knuckling the letter, and mumbling things under his breath that were hard for me to hear, but, from what I could gather, mainly seemed to revolve around refuting everything you were saying, and questioning the use of assholes and lettuce.
This was just the first time he read it over though. He crumpled up the pages, threw them across the room, picked them back up, and reread them a grand total of six times. The more he reread the contents, the more his indignation seemed to give way to a horrified curiosity and intense spiritual turmoil. It was beautiful. He would side eye the page like the words you wrote would change if he looked at them from a different angle, and then shamefully crumple the whole thing up again in a flash flood of self-disgust. Once again, Danna, I must say well done. He was about to uncrumple your masterpiece for a seventh read, when Kondo-san came into his room to tell him to stop burning the midnight oil and go to bed. As Kondo-san was entering the room, Hijikata ate your letter in a panic, so he couldn’t read it again after he was left alone. The contents kept him awake most of the night though, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in a gastrointestinal sort of way. I watched him toss, turn, and swallow loudly until dawn. It was quite tiring work for me, so I slept most of the following day.
Once I got a good day’s sleep though, I knew I needed to get in touch with you. I am sending you this letter, as apparently letter writing is your form of communication now. I was hoping we could meet soon, so you might tell me what you wrote in that letter, because it has been months since I have been able to fuck Hijikata up that badly, and I need to know how you did it. How about we meet over dango? Parfaits? All you need do is name your price, Danna.
Also, if this is going to be an ongoing letter-torture saga, I hope that you will let me join in on the fun. I can bring a great deal of material to the table; please do not underestimate me.
You are welcome to use Yamazaki to send me back a letter at any time of night or day. I eagerly await your reply.
Respectfully yours,
Okita Sogo
Dear Hijikata-kun,
I may have had a few more drinks than I usually do last Monday night, and I think I might have sent you another drunk letter.
Keep in mind that whenever I write drunk letters I am always joking deadly serious. 110% laughter fuel. Actually, pretty much everything I write down is a punchline to something somebody said somewhere as good as a confession of intent! Don’t forget to laugh!!!!!
I would tell you this in person, but you seem to have gotten very skilled at avoiding me all of a sudden. Which is fine. You can do that, but I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t because you thought I was saying anything that meant anything in my drunk letters you knew it is only a matter of time. Yup, so yeah. Peace out for now.
SG
Hello again, Danna.
I haven’t gotten a response from you yet, so I am checking in again to see when you want to meet. Also, by the way, I noticed that you recently tried to send another letter to Hijikata. I was sad that you decided to go ahead with your letter writing campaign without including me, so I hope you don’t mind that I put in a few of my own changes before handing the letter over to its intended recipient. I think our efforts combined will reap great rewards this time.
Kindest regards,
Okita Sogo
Yorozuya:
Meet me on the Nihon Bridge at sunset.
Hijikata