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“On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you...” Connor describes, glancing around the table of five other people. Each player anticipating his next words.
“What do you do?”
“My Half Orc Fighter braces her great axe and...” Excitedly she rolls her dice, “Thats a one.”
Tanya’s head drops to the table, over her crossed arms, sighing.
“Thats a critical fail, Cassia, what do you do?” Connor continues.
“Well, I believe in anticipation my Cleric would cast Spiritual Weapon. And... I rolled a one.” Her eyebrow twitched as she let out a barely audible scoff.
“Thats another Critical Fail.” Connor smirked, clearly amused.
“Xiang, what does your Teifling Bard do?”
“Perception Check...” They reply, rolling their holographic pink dice. “That’s a natural twenty, lets fucking go.”
“These Motherfuckers mean to harm us and they’ve got to go.” Xiang announced, aiming to spur their party members into action.
“You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my tight crew!”
The gang shuffle in their seats, anticipating the fight and getting ready to roll their die and prep their spell cards.
“Me and my boys are gonna mess you up!” Xiang calls agressively, taking in a breath to play a melody on their flute.
“I rolled a one.” Raleigh informs despondently.
“I rolled a one?” Altan asks, Raleigh leans over to his boyfriends side as the detective questions the game.
“Fuck.”
“Alright, my boys are otherwise engaged. I’ll do it myself.” Xiang decides, scanning through their spells and cantrips.
“Yes, thank you. Lets just slow down a bit there... “ Connor begins. “So you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-”
“I CAST VICIOUS MOCKERY, NAT TWENTY! LET’S GO!” Xiang yells.
Connor startles at their enthusiasm but allows them to continue.
“You’re a short motherfucker and nobody likes you! Everybody says ‘Look how fucking short that guy is.’ And it stops you from forming meaningful relationships!”
Cassia snorts behind her hand at the words Xiang spits.
“When you were born everyone thought you were just a head. But then the doctor said ‘Wait, this stupid motherfucking tiny, short ass baby got a tiny, little itty bitty body and I hate it.”
Altan looks at Xiang in question, considering his best options of asking why they were insulting someone in such vitriol.
“Your attack lands, absolutely shattering the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception check, please.” Connor requests calmly.
“Nat twenty, lets go.” Xiang enthuses.
“You perceive the figure was so short because it was a child.” Connor sighs.
“It’s always a kid.” Altan mumbles, a far away look in his eyes.
“Specifically the child you’ve been looking for for the last fifteen days of game time and the last five sessions of our actual lives.” Connor scolds almost like a tired parent, even though he is the youngest of the group.
“Okay, we’re sorry. We’ll be better...” Raleigh apologises, looking at Connor with a slight smile.
“His body’s just lying there, right?” Xiang asks.
Connor purses his lips, while Raleigh’s eyes widen into saucers. “Yes.”
“LOOT THAT BODY.” Xiang grins manically.
“No, Xiang!” Tanya continued, while Cassia leans back in her chair giggling.
“Play my flute while I loot that dead kids body!” They continue with glee.
Connor sighs into his hand, not at all prepared for the plot to go so far off course. Now he’d need to introduce another NPC.
“Didn’t we need a kid for getting into that building?” Altan asked, confused still.
Connor hummed non committedly, wondering if he should risk another fictional child in the path of a kleptomanic bard.