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Sage recognised the sound of Reyna’s low muttering long before she even rounded the corner.
The glass doors to the infirmary slid open with a hiss. Her arrival sparked off a great clattering and collapsing as Reyna shot up from her seat, nearly knocking over a tray of medical equipment in her haste.
“Oh, careful—“
“It’s fine. I didn’t break anything.”
Reyna laid her good arm on Sage’s shoulder. Her other hung limply at her chest, since Sage had bound it in a cast while the Duelist took her mandatory rehab break. This way, her wounds could finally get a chance to heal properly. The Protocol’s resident medic might have some impressive healing powers, but much to the restless agents’ chagrin, they can’t always be instant fixes.
When Reyna tightened her grip on Sage, everything the healer needed to know was already written in the gaunt slant of her shoulders, those beautiful bloodshot eyes. She barely managed to tear her gaze away. Focus, Sage.
“Reyna, I’m glad you made it for your checkup—“
“Listen, Sage. I’m fine, I’m perfectly fine. Let me back out there. Please. I need more souls for mi hermanita — for her. Viper said she’s nearing a breakthrough. I just need a few more to meet the quota.”
Sage studied her carefully. Since when did Reyna plead for anything? For the first time since she’d gotten to know her, the Duelist looked almost desperate, her usual swagger and confidence all drained from her body. It was a sight she would never be able to get used to.
She turned away. The same thoughts that plagued the doctor’s mind never seemed to quiet down.
It wasn’t fair. For Reyna to do this to herself, for all the agony and suffering she put herself through to protect everyone she cared for. Radiant ‘royalty’ or not, it was impossible for anyone to live as she did without cracking. No, the price was too steep. And yet, to hold her back would be to deny Reyna the core of her very existence; to ignore the part of her that yearned for something to protect.
Sage knew of her burden, knew why she chose the path she did; but often still it pained her to look into those violet eyes, gleaming with either faux indifference or vile hatred. At times like these, she would think again that the weight on the Duelist’s shoulders was far too much for one person to bear.
“I can’t, Reyna. You know I can’t. Let me see how your arm’s healing up first, okay? There’s only two more days of sick rest left.” The healer offered her a small smile. “I’ll talk to Viper. Look, it’ll pass before you know it.”
Slowly she reached behind her back and brought out the little bunch of daisies she’d tucked away. White, pristine, beautiful. A true rarity in the Protocol’s secret base, hidden away from the world. She’d asked Omen if he could spare some seeds to grow them herself. (Honestly, she’d spent more hours than she should’ve preening the petals one by one in secrecy, arranging them in a simple flowerpot. That way, they wouldn’t clutter Reyna’s bare-bones living quarters.)
“I got you some flowers. I… well, I grew them myself. Maybe they can keep you company when you need it.” When I can’t be by your side, was what Sage wanted to add, but she held her tongue wisely. “I hope they can cheer you up a bit.”
An awkward moment of silence fell upon the room. The medic felt her smile start to falter.
“Flowers?” Reyna stared at the pale things with an unreadable expression. “Sage, you know I have no use for these. I don’t know the first thing about plants. Just let Skye take care of them, or something.”
“Oh, that- that’s alright. I can teach you, or I could stop by your room every now and then to help you water them if you’d like—“
“Goodness, why are you so insistent on giving me all these things I never asked for, anyways? What is your problem, Sage? What are you doing, really?” Those tired eyes narrowed defensively, a fire reigniting within their depths. “Are these pity presents? Do you feel sorry for me? For Lucia? Is that it?
“What? No, I—“
Reyna scowled. “Oh, I get it. Does it make you feel good, playing at being the hero all the time? No, Sage. You can’t save me. You can’t even save yourself. You’re just holding me back.”
Sage could barely find it in her to keep breathing. Eyes widening, mind already spinning a hundred different excuses for her behaviour. Ways to rationalise this response, to resign herself to the truth that this harshness was innate to Reyna, that she’d half expected her to lash out all along.
Perhaps it had always been just a matter of time.
What was this odd thing swirling around in her chest? Sorrow? Anger? Regret? Defiance? Somehow it was all of them and none of them at the same time.
It was an old friend she couldn’t quite name.
She was tempted to back down and start apologizing as she always did. Always the peacemaker, always the one to give in first. That’s who she was. That’s who her life had taught her to be. Quiet, submissive; an obedient daughter, a perfect pupil.
But was this fair to herself? To back down again without even trying, without even knowing what went wrong this time?
Deep down she knew that she deserved more than this, time and time again.
She couldn’t find it in her to give up. Not yet. Not here. Not now.
Out of sheer desperation, she cupped a hand around Reyna’s cheek. “Reyna, please. Let me help you. I can’t claim to have felt the same pain you’re burdened with. But I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you if you need me.”
Something in Sage’s heart shattered the moment Reyna shoved her hand away with a hard flick. The Duelist’s long nails grazed the thin skin of her wrists.
It stung.
“Sage, cariño,” Reyna sneered, voice dripping with ice-cold venom. What should have been a sweet term of endearment made the healer’s stomach twist up into tight knots instead.
She took a good look at Reyna’s trembling frame. So desperate, so lonely. Out in the field, Reyna always moved with the grace and confidence of a seasoned huntress. Her abilities were one thing, but the way she carried herself was another. Ramrod straight back, focused gaze. Seemingly distant and uncaring, but always looking out for the team while in the fray of battle. Overextending with ease like she knew she’d win, no matter what.
What the Empress wanted, she always got. No exceptions. The battlefield was her playground, and if anything ever unnerved her, she never showed it in the slightest. Most of the agents saw her as the pinnacle of skill, some untouchable god-queen with a vengeful heart and venomous tongue.
But slowly, the fire in the Empress’s own heart would burn out. This, too, was a fact as clear as day to Sage. And when that moment came, she knew she wouldn’t be able to just stand by and do nothing.
If you must fall, then fall beside me.
Sage understood. Reyna had never been good at accepting help from others. It was who she was, how her experiences and upbringing had shaped her. She understood. It was clear as day to her; Reyna was just hurting. She was lonely, and so very afraid of losing all she had left that she lashed out blindly at the slightest threat. She tried not to take what the Duelist said to heart and not read the room at face value. To look deeper into that talented, tortured soul, and see all that made her deserving of redemption and simple kindness despite her rough exterior.
But sometimes, it was just so hard.
“You think you know me,” Reyna spat into the silence, vicious to the end. “Oh, poor little doctor. Ay corazon— she thinks she can play God, thinks she can save everyone and make things all better with a healing orb and sugarcoated words.”
“I’m not trying to— that’s not—“
“All you’re doing is deluding yourself into thinking you can actually help anyone here. They just don’t have the heart to tell you that all the extra shit you do is practically useless. You only care about yourself and how helping someone like me makes you feel good. Just do your job like the rest of us and save the theatrics for someone else, alright?”
Sage squeezed her eyes shut. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t.
She screwed her hands up into tight, curling fists of fury.
I give, and give, and give. But time and time again, you kick my heart to the curb and run it over. Surely you, of all people, must know how your indifference pains me?
And you have the audacity to keep acting like nothing's wrong.
Do you really not know how much hurt you’ve caused me, Reyna? Or do you just not care enough to think about the gravity of your actions? I’m not sure which would hurt more.
What am I to you, really?
Just a handy little tool for you to call on whenever you need me, because you know I won’t refuse?
Enough is enough, chanted the small voices in her heart like a sullen mantra, replacing the old teachings of the monastery. Enough is enough.
It’s time to let go.
“Fuck you, Reyna!”
An odd shiver of twisted glee ran down her spine as she took in Reyna’s shocked expression, parched lips dropping open in a perfect O.
Is this what rage was? Is this what her teachings had taught her to avoid all this time?
…Was that a slight hint of fear in the huntress’s eyes?
It was evil. But it made her feel powerful.
The colour flooded back into Reyna’s face. “So you do have some fire left in you. Whatever. It doesn’t concern me. Just stop with your little saviour complex act already. You’re not fooling anyone except yourself. You don’t even consider what I want—“
“I do! My God, Reyna. I spend nearly every waking moment anxious and afraid, worrying for everyone on and off the battlefield, spending countless sleepless nights staring into this goddamned ceiling wondering if what I do is of any use at all. Thinking about how best to accommodate for everyone’s needs. Tending to broken bones and ugly gashes. Trying to view every problem from a thousand different angles just to find the best approach.” It was her turn now to slam a hand down onto the desk. Her bright daisies wobbled in their pot.
The Duelist angled her face away from Sage, expression unreadable.
“Reyna, I think myself to death every day just trying to keep everyone alive! Have you ever thought about the fact that you have the luxury of scoffing at me, saying I’m too idealistic, that I have to learn the meaning of sacrifice. Like you’re the only one who’s lost what’s dear to you.” Her fists tightened. “I can’t stand this anymore. You do not get to just trample over all my efforts and say I haven’t tried. I know how hard everyone has it more than anyone here. Including you.”
A hearty laugh from Reyna only made her blood boil. “Well, that’s not my problem, surely! I never asked for any of this. You overthink and worry about things you shouldn’t— then you try to blame that on everyone. Why in the world would you do something so useless?”
Let go, let go, let go—
“Useless? It’s because we all love you, Reyna! We care about you so much—“
“No me chingues, that’s bullshit. You and I, we are not the same. I don’t need your fucking pity. You want to talk about love? I have things I love too! I must protect them. I must save her, save us, before it is too late—“
Idiot, just SAY IT—
“Because I love you, Reyna!” Sage couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “I love you. Is it selfish? Yes. But I want to be the one by your side who puts a smile on your face when you feel down. To be your safe harbour when you fight against the waves of fate, all alone on the tossing tides. Even when you don’t have it in you to eat or sleep or string together a single sentence, at least let me be there for you instead of lashing out at me every single time!”
Her eyes were pleading now, looking on as the woman in front of her appeared to waver in the face of her sincerity. Was it just her own wishful thinking? Had she always felt so distant?
“Reyna, all these months we’ve spent together has made me realise that you are my home. You showed me a world I never knew existed. You encouraged me to open up, to flourish and grow into who I truly am. To stop hiding the truth from myself. But no matter how I try to talk to you, help you, reach out to you, you just won’t listen. In the end, you barely ever spare me a second glance.” Her voice trembled and finally, finally broke. She quieted the last of her sobs, pathetic as they were, and rubbed away her tears.
She looked up.
The Duelist stood there with the same stony face as usual, arms folded in front of her chest. Her heart sank.
“Reyna, please. I’m so tired of fighting for attention from someone who doesn’t seem to give a damn about me. I just need to know. Did all that mean nothing to you? I thought— silly of me, to assume things, right?— all of those times we shared secret smiles during meetings, when I was there by your side to congratulate you when you got the good news about Lucia, and again to try and comfort you when things fell apart—“
“Sage—“
“When I was lying there, alone in the fucking desert that is Bind, watching the light fade from your eyes while the one time it mattered most I was completely powerless?”
“Sage—“
“You know, I couldn’t do a thing except sit there and bleed out myself as I watched you die. Three whole bullets lodged in my side thanks to their Jett— and God, I was losing so much blood that I thought I was actually going to die for good.”
Reyna drew breath as if to speak again, but the healer slapped her outstretched palm away. Was that a flicker of remorse in those hardened eyes? Good. Sage wanted it to hurt.
“No, don’t even start. The best part comes next: Despite it all, I was still only scared for you.” The echo of her own laugh sounded thin and brittle to her ears, a pure malice that scared even herself. “I see now how foolish I was.”
Reyna’s voice was indignant, challenging. Always first to shift the blame and last to admit a fault. “Are you trying to blame me for your own suffering? What could I have done, Sage? I don’t remember a thing. You never told me. If you want me to be grateful, you’re the delusional one here.” The white lights overhead flickered and fizzled, then blinked back on in an instant. Too late. The image of the Duelist’s furious gaze, seething with a fuschia glow in the dark, had already seared itself into her brain.
“Oh, you don’t remember that, do you? Because I never told you. Why should I? I didn’t want you to know how bad it was. You never cared enough to ask how I was, anyways. I threw myself in front of a hailstorm of bullets for you even though I should be keeping myself alive so I can heal the team and make sure the mission goes smoothly— so stupid of me!”
“Yeah. That is stupid. Why would you jeopardize the whole mission just to save a single person? Just revive me afterwards, no big deal. ”
“No big deal? Oh, okay. You want to talk to me about the value of a life? You want to talk to me about saving someone you love?” Sage snorted. “That’s rich, coming from you. For fuck’s sake, Reyna! All you do is kill. That’s your job, right? So stay in your own lane.”
Reyna looked a bit stung by her remark, but only clamped her mouth shut tighter.
Sage wasn't done. “Every checkup in the infirmary, every time we sat in the same stupid seats in the stupid meeting room right across from each other, you never once asked how I was. Did you ever even care enough to talk about anything other than our missions? You never once bothered to open up to me. All the Radiants you care for back home. The annual charity galas you host every summer. Your full name, even. All this I had to learn from the others. Meanwhile, I told you everything— about my home, the people who raised me, the disaster… everything. ”
Perhaps a weaker (kinder) opponent would have backed down in the face of gentle Sage’s sudden aggression. But this was Reyna, the undisputed queen of the Mexican underground. The Empress was a predator first and foremost. And she never once let the trail of a hunt grow cold.
So predictably, she continued her attack.
“I asked for none of it, Sage.” The pointed finger Reyna jabbed at her chest barely brushed her white robes, but it made her flinch all the same. “I asked for none of it. You chose to do that on your own. I never needed you.”
“You— I don’t— it’s not—“
“Sage, wake up! When will you realise that it was all in your head?”
The ensuing silence was chilling to the bone.
“…All in my head, huh? Yeah. I thought as much.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, darling. I don’t need saving.” Reyna pushed past her and made to leave, before turning back with a flash of renewed anger in her steely eyes. “Least of all from you.”
As always, the huntress emerged triumphant from every encounter, and this time was no different. The way Reyna callously struck down everyone who dared get in her way with frightening dominance was a sight that she had grown to accept.
Sage just wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of that fury.
Before she could even form her cursed name into a whisper, that woman was gone, leaving nothing behind but the faint scent of musky jasmine in her wake.
Head spinning, Sage slumped into the patient’s chair next to her. She clutched her chest tight. Something inside it ached, and she was so tired.
What had the elders told her, back in the monastery? She closed her eyes, tried to slow her breathing. The memory of damp mist enshrouded her mind again.
“Those deep brown eyes, full of passion and clarity. Yes, a strong sense of justice lies within this one. You will go far, little one.” The old man paused to stroke his beard. “So very mature.”
The girl named Ling Ying Wei bowed with perfect posture. “Thank you, Teacher.”
The ancient one looked thoughtful as he spoke again. “The eyes of a benevolent healer, I see. But beware: Do not let your gentle heart become burdened by mortal woes. Be kind yet unyielding, like the branches of the willow.”
A warm spring breeze had blown past the pair then, bringing with it the sweet fragrance of soft pink petals drifting through the air.
Sage’s eyes were an ordinary shade of brown. Simple and plain. The color was nice enough, but it was nothing special. Common, unsurprising, grounded. Just like her.
Brown, like the nurturing soil that gave all things life.
Brown, like the rings on the logs she used to count in that sanctum amidst the clouds.
Brown, like the stains of dried blood gone cold in the night.
How many times had she stared into the mirror, looking into her own eyes, wondering if things could have been different? If she could have turned out different? Peering into the depths of her irises, marvelling at how the same muddy brown could turn gold under the sunlight and near black in the shadows. Potential, some called it. To others, it was talent, or diligence, or restraint. But no matter what name they put to it, she saw nothing but the shadows of failure in every crease and fold.
Distantly, she remembered watching a young fledgling take to the skies for the first time when she was young.
She remembered watching with awe and anticipation and that certain curious wonder that only children seem to have, only for her expression to morph into one of abject horror as it crashed into a pane of glass. The tiny bird wilted into a heap of broken bones and ragged feathers before her eyes.
She remembered crying out and pointing and tearing herself away from the gruesome sight, turning instead to the warm embrace of her mother.
That day, she was taught one of the most important lessons of her life.
Now, recalling the Empress’s flared nostrils and trembling hands, she thought perhaps the line between huntress and beast wasn’t so clear after all.
You can’t save everyone, Sage.
Love and hate, love and distaste, love and disappointment— maybe they were similar instances as well. Where should the line be drawn? In a maelstrom of conflicting emotions, the only constant was love at the centre of it all.
Oh, Yingying, you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped.
Her mother had taken her hands. Some things are out of your control.
Her mentors had shook their heads. Some things are just not meant to be.
And now, tired and disillusioned, she answered:
Some things are not worth giving your all for.
Or you will break your heart chasing after those that aren’t worth your love.