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"Goodbye, Alex!" Jay's shout was faint from the other end of the studio.
Five minutes ago, Jay's ringtone had gone off while they were in the kitchen, making coffee. "God damn it," Jay had muttered.
"Is it that weirdo again?" Mike had just finished adding cream to his brand new Ghostbusters mug, which Jay had gotten for 75% off and had left as a surprise on Mike's desk that morning.
"We went on six dates, he was nice but it wasn't gonna work out, and now he won't stop fucking calling me," Jay had grumbled as he had stormed off behind the sets to take the call, mug in hand.
Now Jay was stomping back into his office, and Mike couldn't resist the opportunity to poke fun at him. He peeked his head into Jay's doorway. "Things are going well between you guys, huh?"
"Get that shit-eating grin off your face. He's threatening to show up at the office."
"Threatening?" Mike's stomach dropped. All the humor had suddenly vanished from the situation.
"Well..." Jay rolled his eyes. "Less threatening, and more begging."
Mike frowned. "I'll call the fucking cops if I have to." He wasn't going to stand for some loser asshole going all incel on Jay.
"Ugh, you don't need to call the cops." Jay took a sip of his coffee. "He's harmless. He just needs to get a clue."
"I'll do what I have to do to protect my place of business, Jay!" But Mike was already forming a plan.
--
Three hours later, while they were in the middle of filming the latest Half in the Bag, the doorbell rang.
"That's gotta be the Doordash. I'm gonna swallow that cheesesteak whole," Rich said. He got up from Mr. Plinkett's chair, set down the newspaper prop, and left the set.
Mike and Jay discussed the next few lines of the script, assuming Rich would be back with the cheesesteaks in a minute, but instead, Rich came back empty-handed. "Jay, there's some guy asking for you. He looks gay and he has flowers."
"Christ." Jay stood up and handed Mike his script. "I'm gonna go take care of this."
As soon as Jay left the room, Mike tossed the scripts on the floor. It was go time, motherfucker.
--
"Alex. I'm trying to be nice here. But I'm really not interested in continuing to see you," Jay said, much too politely. His silhouette blocked Mike's view of the unwary nerd outside as he snuck up behind Jay, crouched down low.
"Jay, please, just give me another chance," a whiny voice wheedled. "I just know--"
"Who the fuck is this?!" Mike shouted as he sprang up behind Jay, holding a realistic prop in his right hand behind his back.
Jay and Alex both jumped in shock. The guy outside was tall and buff and blonde and actor-handsome, not at all what Mike had been imagining in his mean fantasies about Jay breaking up with his boyfriend and deciding he loved Mike instead. He had a bouquet of red roses in his hands--it had to be two dozen, at least.
Alex recovered quickly, though, puffing up his chest in his too-tight white t-shirt. "I'm Jay's boyfriend!" he snarled at Mike.
"That's impossible!" With a flourish, Mike brandished the prop axe, pointing it at Alex. "Because I'm Jay's boyfriend!"
"Whoa, dude." Alex put his hands up in front of him. His entire demeanor had changed and he was shrinking away, looking like a frightened animal. "I don't want any trouble."
"Good," Mike said. He slashed the axe through the air, which caused Alex to jump back even further. Turning to Jay, he announced, "Darling, I know I said we could try polyamory, but I simply cannot bear to share you with another man!"
Jay seemed to be in shock as Mike grabbed Jay with his free hand roughly around the shoulders and pulled him in close, still pointing his prop axe at Alex. (It was not the right time to notice how nice Jay smelled.) Gazing dramatically into Jay's green eyes, he declared, "You are mine!"
He'd been planning to release Jay and finish chasing Alex off their property, but then, something unexpected happened.
"I'm yours," Jay said, and kissed him.
Fireworks went off behind Mike's eyes as he felt Jay's moustache tickle his lip, and the softness of his lips was a sweet surprise, too. It was a chaste kiss, but they lingered, their lips moving in perfect concert together. It held the promise of more, and Mike's heart soared.
After a few moments that felt like a lifetime, they pulled away from each other, both breathing heavily. Jay's eyes crinkled into a warm smile, and Mike was smiling back, and everything was perfect.
"So, anyway... I'm gonna go..." Alex started backing away slowly.
"Good!" Mike shouted, slicing through the air with the prop axe again. "Get the fuck out of here!"
Alex dropped the roses on the sidewalk and took off at a run.
"And stay out!" Mike yelled.
After Alex had disappeared from view, Jay picked up the big bouquet of red roses. He turned and handed them to Mike, the cellophane crackling. "These are for you," he said, grinning.
"Why, thank you! They're lovely," Mike said, cradling them delicately in his arms. They looked expensive.
Jay followed him back into the kitchen, where he pulled a wide-mouth growler out of the cabinet and arranged the roses in it, placing them in the center of the kitchen island. "These are some nice-ass flowers," Mike said.
"I meant it, by the way," Jay said. "What I said, and the kissing. I meant it."
"For real?" Mike said, but he already knew it was true as they moved towards each other. Jay melted into his arms and their lips met once again, more passionately now. The world faded away as their tongues tangled for the first time, Jay sighing softly and pressing his hips in towards Mike's--
Their reverie was interrupted by... a slow clap?
"It's about damn time," Rich said. "Anyway, the cheesesteaks are here."