Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Can you confidently say you can confess your feelings to Kaiser?” Ness looked into the dark blue eyes of Isagi — a darker shade compared to Kaiser’s, much darker than the color of the rose petals discarded in the basin beside the infirmary bed. 

Ness looked into the dark blue depths and he imagined the scenario Isagi suggested and he came up blank.

He could never imagine a scene, a time, a world, where he and Kaiser were together romantically. He was always just Kaiser’s friend. he was Kaiser’s midfielder. He was Bastard München’s heart and magician. He had never fancied any of those thoughts before, which was why the disease caught him off guard. It was always Kaiser and Ness, not Kaiser with Ness. It felt wrong. It felt unreal. It would never happen. 

“No.” The answer was vulnerable, raw. It was honest. Ness didn't think he'd ever be this honest with someone like Isagi, of all people. “I can't.”

Maybe it was the fact that Isagi never looked at Ness in pity but with understanding instead. Maybe it was the fact that Isagi looked pained when he asked that question. Maybe it was the fact that Isagi was the one who helped him through the pain earlier and was there when he woke up in the infirmary. Or maybe, it was the fact that Isagi looked like he knew what exactly Ness would answer before he even said it. 

“Okay.” It was forced, rough and Isagi’s face twisted in a way that Ness sort of understood. It looked like he wanted to be proven wrong only to be proven right over something that was distasteful. For the first time, Ness didn't feel any triumph at making Isagi’s face twist in displeasure. “Okay. Then there's only two ways this could end.” 

“Tell me.” Ness knew. He knew what the paths were for someone who couldn’t get their love reciprocated. He knew but he still wanted to be told, hoped that there was a small and slim chance that he was wrong. That the internet was mistaken.

“The first way is simple and straightforward: you will die.” It was presented like a cold hard fact. It wasn't a sharp slap to the face or a bucket of icy water that was dumped over him. The knowledge was presented to him like a heavy cinder block forced into his hands for him to carry everywhere. Isagi continued on, as if he hadn’t just dropped the hardest revelation of Ness’s life into his lap, “The flowers will continue to grow and invade your lungs until it explodes.”

“... And the second?” Ness wheezed out, already breathless at the knowledge presented to him. every single words that Isagi said only hammered the nail into the coffin that Ness was lying in. Every word was like a punch to the gut. Every confirmation brought just as horrible of a feeling as the flowers that clawed their way out of Ness’s throat did. 

“It's a little more complicated and medical.” This time, Isagi looked uncomfortable about whatever knowledge he was about to impart. Ness marveled at the fact that speaking about death seemed far too normal, too easy for Isagi and yet this one choice was far more dreadful — more nauseating. That knowledge did nothing to soothe the growing pit in his stomach. Even so, he pushed forward with his explanation. “You can choose to surgically have the flowers weeded out and removed from your lungs but it will take your feelings for him away with it.”

“And my memories.” Ness added, detached as he accepted his fate. He had done his research but nothing solidified these facts more than Isagi speaking them out loud. As if he recited a spell that made everything all the more real. If Ness had been helpless the first time he had read about the disease, he didn't know what he felt now that it was becoming all to real.

“What? No.” His gaze snapped towards Isagi. The words were sharp and final but the look on his face was uncertain and uncomfortable. The contrast was dizzying and Ness wondered if Isagi was just lying to sugarcoat it. To make the choice easier to make. No one wanted their memories erased, even with their life on the line. “The surgery won't make you an amnesiac, Ness. The flowers are attached to your emotions and feelings for a person, not your memories. They also grow in your lungs, not your brain.”

“What the fuck do you mean, Yoichi?” Ness had researched about everything the disease entailed. He was not one for self diagnosis but there was only ever one result that popped up for “vomiting flowers”, no matter how rare of a disease the internet had claimed it to be. He was confident that he knew everything there was about the disease as he read about every single documentation of it happening and the aftermath of anyone who took surgery. “People forget the person they love. That's the price to be paid.”

It was like the dark magic that he used to read about. Every heavy decision had an equally heavy consequence. If he wanted his emotions for Kaiser uprooted completely to stay alive, he would pay for it with his feelings and his memories. If he wanted to stay alive and keep playing with Kaiser without the burden of death looming over him, then he would have to sacrifice something.

“That’s an overstatement.” Isagi merely shook his head and his gaze was fixed somewhere over Ness’s shoulder. It was distant, as if he were looking at something other than the wall behind Ness. As if here were in some other time aside from the present. “People say you'll lose memories but it’s not like an amnesiac losing their memories. It's like… If you looked back to that memory you have without any of the feelings you used to have for that person then it doesn't feel the same. You're more detached as a result.”

It was completely illogical.

It made fucking sense. 

“It's sort of like watching a video where you don’t give a shit about. You don’t hate or love it. It just exists.” Isagi continued as if he hadn't just broken Ness’s entire worldview and understanding of the disease. As if he hadn't just thrown Ness into a loop, considering he had completely come to terms with the fact he would forget Kaiser in his entirety. “It doesn't feel like a memory anymore. You don't see the person or feel for them the same way as before. It's empty. It might as well feel like you lose your memory.”

“You seem to know way too much about this, shitty Yoichi.” Ness scoffed and it was sharp and cruel. Ness could only tolerate so much vulnerability in front of Isagi. It seemed like he had reached his limit. Ignoring the fact that Ness had already been the most vulnerable to his face — lying limp in Isagi’s arms as he passed out from lack of oxygen and the pain of his worst episode. “Did the doctor explain everything to you? Did Ego tell you to relay all these to me because you're a familiar face? I can handle this in my own.”

“Ego let me in here to explain because I’d know it best.” His words were soft, a complete contrast to Ness’s sharpness. Isagi looked at him in the eyes as he, once again, completely turned Ness’s world into an axis. “I chose surgery to cure my Hanahaki as well.” 

All of a sudden swallowing was a chore, “What?” 

Isagi looked away but his expression looked despondent, almost emotionless, “During the third selection, right before our match against the U20... I started coughing out flowers as well. They were turquoise.”

He was speechless when faced with the reality. Ness had assumed that Isagi was just fulfilling some fucked up duty as Blue Lock’s Heart. He had assumed it was Isagi breaking the news because he was the Blue Locker in Bastard München that Ness had the most interactions with. He had assumed that Isagi was breaking the news to him because he happened to be the first and only one to find him choking on flowers in the bathroom. He had assumed Isagi had the responsibility for being the one to carry him all the way to the infirmary and most likely explain everything to Ego and whoever else was responsible. A familiar face and voice to soothe the harsh reality to Ness. 

He hadn’t expect that Isagi was asked to explain it all because he had gone through it as well.

“They matched his eyes.” It was cold and robotic, the way that Isagi recited such usually romantic sounding words. It was as if he was repeating the words from a book passage and didn’t bother to give any feeling or act flushed about it. Even a doctor’s diagnosis had more feeling than that. “I fell for Itoshi Rin during the second selection and because of that I started coughing out flowers. It got worst after the U20 match.”

“When did you-”

“Right before the Neo Egoist League.” Isagi shrugged, as if he hadn't just picked the most life changing choice yet. Still, Ness had seen a few clips of Isagi and Rin during the match and he had assumed they were close. It seemed like he couldn't be more wrong. (It hurt to see the parallels between him and Kaiser and he pushed it to the side). “Ego found out because I was stuck choking on the flowers in the locker room after the match... Sort of the same way I found you. He gave me three days to make the choice.”

“And you picked the surgery.” 

“Rin won’t like me back. He never did.” Isagi smiled at Ness but it was dry, almost self-deprecating. Ness hated the fact that he understood the emotions behind that smile. He hated it even more that he empathized with it. “I want to continue pursuing my goal to be the best striker. Falling for Rin that time… It was an unexpected obstacle.”

It was insane how clinically detached Isagi sounded every single time he spoke about Rin. It was almost odd how such cold and cutting words could come from someone who just admitted they fell in love with a person. Ness wondered if the same would happen to him. He wondered if he would approach and talk about Kaiser the same way, without the natural wide-eyed adoration clipped onto it as was usual. He wondered if he could even see Kaiser the same way.

"I guess Ego would give you the same courtesy he did to me.” Isagi’s expression morphed and completely did a 180 as he gave Ness a small smile. He scratched the back of his neck and continued as if he hadn’t just given Ness whiplash, “I think I pretty much covered everything that needs to be talked about so I’ll just-”

“Wait!” Ness reached out and embarassingly grabbed and held on to the edge of Isagi’s jacket. Isagi turned around with wide eyes as he blinked down at Ness. “This… That’s it?”

“That’s it.” Isagi blinked down at him and shrugged. 

“Just three days?” Ness breathed out and he didn’t know what kind of face he was making for Isagi to cringe back at the question like he was burned. 

“Ego said he could’ve afforded a few more if you brought it up earlier.” Isagi shuffled on his feet. Ness slowly let go of the edge of his jacket as the reality finally sunk in. He really had to choose between dying with the kind of feelings he didn’t even ask for or forcibly taking them out for good, forever. Never to have the same seed planted in his heart ever again. It was a chilling thought. 

It was an easy choice.

“Then I’ll decide right now.” Ness insisted, sitting up properly on the bed. He swung his legs off the edge when Isagi got into his face. He waved his hands around frantically and he let out an almost nervous laugh.

“Wait- hold on. Right now?” His words were tinged with disbelief. 

“Yes, right now. I can make a logical decision for this.” Ness scoffed and almost swatted Isagi’s hands away. Almost. 

He despised Isagi for all he stood for, the pinnacle of everything that went and stood against Kaiser, however Ness would be an idiot to ignore how big of a help he had been the past few days. Not only was Isagi the first to figure out Ness’s entire ordeal but he had silently agreed to keep it a secret up until Ness physically couldn’t handle it anymore. He was even there when Ness suffered through the worst of it and dragged his unconscious body to get help. More than that, Isagi was someone that understood what Ness was going through. That had to count for something.

Even if Ness never really liked Isagi, he could still admit that he had been helpful and was akin to a guiding light during this trying time of his. 

“I mean, I get that no one wants to particularly die for something like this and I already asked you this before but-” Isagi halted prematurely as he bit his bottom lip. Ness stared at him while he did so. Not judgingly nor was he impatient. He was just observing the other boy. “You’re really sure you can’t- it’s just… three days seemed like a good time frame to think it over and…”

“You didn’t do it.” Ness rolled his eyes at the notion. Even if Isagi never managed to verbalize his thoughts properly, he understood what he meant. He was hoping that Ness would somehow find the courage or the balls to confess his weird mixed feelings to Kaiser. 

Like hell he was. 

Ness didn’t even want these feelings. He never had any inkling for this feeling up until this stupid disease plagued him. Kaiser didn’t need to know any of this, not when it was both embarassing and horrifying. He was more than fine with their entire arrangement for the longest time. It just so happened that Ness’s emotions went unchecked and he cared a little too much, fell a little too hard. In the end, Ness was fodder for Kaiser. He was only meant to make him better and dying because of Kaiser wasn’t doing that. It was the opposite. 

“Well, yeah.” Isagi matched his attitude easily, equally rolling his eyes at Ness pointing out the obvious. He crossed his arms over his chest petulantly, like a child. It was almost endearing had Ness not been in the situation where he was choosing between life and death (literally). “Rin and I only knew each other for a maximum of what? Five weeks? Most of which had us both butting heads against each other. He practically hates my guts no matter how you

look at it.”

“Didn’t seem that way during the match against the youth team.” Ness muttered but Isagi bulldozed forward as if he didn’t even hear Ness. 

“It was easy for me to make my choice because we were practically strangers.” He paused this time and looked at Ness. He hated the way Isagi seemed considering while he was observing him. As if he was somehow peering into his soul like a fortune teller or a witch. A sif he was some kind of experiement that he was observing despite knowing the end result. “You and Kaiser seem closer. You knew each other for longer, right?”

“Stop trying to write a fairy tale, Yoichi.” Ness pushed forward and stumbled in his haste to get up. If it hadn’t been for Isagi’s steadying hand on his arm, he would’ve embarassed himself even further. He brushed off the concern from the younger teen and straightened. “I would just become an obstacle to Michael becoming the best. What we had — what we have is fine enough.”

“Isn’t all that fine if you got Hanahaki-” Isagi muttered under his breath and Ness decided to give Isagi a taste of his own medicine and pretended like he heard nothing.

“Useless feelings like this on the field are mere distractions.” Ness spoke, almost like he was reciting a prayer or a rule. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. “I would hate myself more if I gave Michael a distraction big enough that you could take advantage of.”

“Way to write me as the villain of your story.” Ness, once more, chose to ignore Isagi at this moment.

“There’s really only one right answer to this.” Ness brushed past Isagi, intent on heading out of the infirmary and facing that maniac Ego with his final choice. He only stopped when a hand grabbed his wrist and he turned back to see Isagi with a defeated look.

“If you’re so sure…” He paused before he shook his head and sighed, “Let me go with you.”

“Do whatever you want, Yoichi.” Ness scoffed but he waited for Isagi to gather himself and didn’t shrug off his hand as they walked through the halls of Blue Lock. Isagi holding his wrist was nothing compared to hugging him to his chest or even carrying him to the infirmary. Ness thought that overreacting over something like this when Isagi did more was a touch too childish, even for him.

(He ignored the fact that it warmed his heart that someone was there for him when he made the most life changing decision of his life. He ignored the fact that Isagi was the first one to give him such a steadying and warm touch in years. He ignored the fact that he was a touch grateful of his presence.)

Later, Isagi would insist on accompanying Ness for as far as he could go in terms of the operating room. Ness didn’t complain or argue, just stared at him.

Later, the last thing that Ness would see everything went dark was Isagi on the other side of the viewing glass. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be loved before he blacked out.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

It all started with a simple blue rose petal. 

Ness blamed his slower stamina and sore throat to his rising frustration and anger at the sudden obstacle in Kaiser’s way that was Isagi Yoichi. The trashy striker wannabe constantly made Kaiser look like a fool, and Ness always felt his blood pressure rise at the thought. So, he wasn’t that surprised at his declining health. 

What was surprising was the petal that dropped into his hand after he had gone into a coughing fit.

“What.” Ness stared down at the palm of his hand. He stared at the lone blue petal that sat in the middle of his palm in trepidation. He shook his head and discarded the petal into a nearby trashcan before he left the bathroom. 

It was one odd occurrence that didn’t particularly bother Ness until it happened again. Every coughing fit that followed deposited the same blue petal into his palm. It went from one single petal until it reached two petals, three petals — the most recent count had reached six petals. Every single one would be discarded by Ness immediately. 

A few of the Bastard München players shot Ness concerned glances due to his recent coughs but Ness merely learned to stifle them over the next few days and training period. Whatever disease plagued Ness only got worse as the days marched forward and it definitely showed. Especially since Noa had pulled him aside one day.

“Ness.” He started, eyes scanned his face before he continued, “Is there a problem? Your stats have lowered and you’ve become pale recently.”

“Just some lost sleep.” His mind flashed to the bundles of rose petals that he would cough up every night before he shoved them into the trash. “I’m dealing with it.”

Noa frowned and narrowed his eyes, “If you are sure."

“I won’t fall too far.” Ness assured Noa and the second the Master Striker left him alone, he stifled another cough with his hand. When he pulled it away, he looked down at the blue petals stained with his blood. He shoved them into his glove for disposal later but he clenched his jaw tight. 

The blood wasn’t a good sign.

It was that incident that truly pushed him to actually try and understand what was wrong. He was aware that this was definitely a disease but it wasn’t something he recognized, not for lack of trying (no matter how much he wanted to dismiss logic and science, it still ran in his blood). So, in the safety and confines of his private room, Ness began his search for information about the odd disease. 

No matter how he phrased it, only one answer really came up: Hanahaki Disease. 

It was absurd. It was impossible. For three whole days, Ness denied the existence of the disease because he didn’t understand why he had it. This had to be another instance of the internet being an unreliable source when doing self-diagnosis. No matter how much Ness believed in magic and the impossible, a disease that grew deadly flowers in your lungs because of unrequited love was just pushing it. 

Who did Ness even love that way? 

The majority of his life was spent admiring and searching for magic then it was playing and training in football. Ness never had the time to just stop and admire a person before. He never even gave the idea much thought. He was always the type to brush off needless and pointless chocolates and gifts during Valentine’s Day. He also scoffed at any mention of romance.

Ness was not a romantic and Hanahaki Disease was something meant for hopeless ones. 

“It’s bullshit, absolute trash.” Ness hissed as he shoveled the stray petals from the bathroom floor and into the trash harshly. It had only gotten worse and never better, even when all his research pointed to the disease never getting better. Only worse — worse enough to cause death. 

Ness let out a frustrated growl and shoved the trash bin away from him, uncaring that it tipped over and spilled it’s contents once more which negated all his previous efforts. The back of his throat began to itch when he was shoveling the petals back and now the feeling reached his throat. He hacked up a few more petals, loud enough that he missed the door sliding open and closed.

“What- Ness?” The bane of his entire existence called out to his name in that inopportune moment that Ness just finished coughing up a whole rose bloom into his hand. It was beuatiful and horrible and tinged with blood and spit. 

“Shitty Yoichi- you-” Ness crushed the bloom in his haste to hide it away, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood up to glare at Isagi. He leaned forward and poked Isagi’s chest with his free hand all the while he ignored how scratchy and horrible his voice sounded, “Did nobody ever teach you the word ‘privacy’? Here I’ll help-”

Ness winced and cut himself off with another stray cough, his throat still abused from producing a whole rose bloom. He gritted his teeth and continued to glare down at Isagi, like it was all his fault. Logically, it wasn;t. it was more Ness’s fault for leaving his feelings unchecked. On the other hand, it was great to have someone else to blame. Isagi was just at the wrong place and wrong time. 

“The door wasn’t locked.” Isagi pointed out, his thumb pointed to the door as if to prove his point. Ness’s eye twitched when he realized that it was true. It seemed the pain had blinded him from logic this once and it cost him his secret.

“That-” Ness faltered slightly, the earlier heat of his anger faded as the novelty of the situation caught up to him. Then, he scoffed, “Whatever. Leave, you trash.”

Isagi Yoichi only proved to be a bigger headache and eyesore to Ness the longer he stayed in the bathroom. He didn't do anything that Ness expected him to do, rather he stared down at the clenched hand that hid away the bloodied rose from view. Ness had an inkling that the other knew and saw everything but he much preferred living in the realm of disbelief and his own delusions. 

Isagi saw nothing and knew nothing.

He’ll just assume that Ness was under the weather, be a nosy little nobody and then leave. Even if he had seen everything, there was really nothing he could say about it. The disease was rare, Isagi probably never heard of it.

“Ness...” Isagi was frowning now and Ness felt his earlier irritation return. “Is that a flower in- those are fucking petals.” 

Ness stepped back and flinched at the sudden heat in Isagi’s tone. His eyes snapped down towards the discarded trash bin that once held the fruits of Ness’s labor within had everything sprawled out into the open. Had Isagi come in any later, Ness could've easily brushed it off as him throwing away some kind of gift from a fan. However, Isagi hadn't come in later — he walked in at the worst time ever and now Ness probably looked crazy.

“That is none of your business, Yoichi.” He hissed and matched the heat that Isagi projected when he noticed the damned petals. 

When Isagi turned his gaze back to Ness, it was scorching. If he had been any lesser person, he would've flinched back at the utter heat that emanated from Isagi’s glare. He didn’t even look mad but Ness felt like his entire soul was bared for Isagi to see.

“When did you get Hanahaki?” 

Ness froze when he heard those damned words spoken into reality. It was impossible. The disease was rare, enough that no normal person who didn't do extensive research would be familiar with it. If anything, it would be more normal if Isagi thought Ness was just puking his guts out. Instead, he somehow managed to not just recognize the disease but was aware of its name as well.

“How do you know that?” Rather than denial, Ness lashed out in anger by grabbing Isagi’s shoulders and shaking him. That wasn't right. He didn't have Hanahaki because that meant he had horrible, no good feelings for Kaiser. It meant that everything he had read wasn't some made up fantasy that just so happened to align with his current symptoms. Ness had hoped he could pretend just a little longer. “Where did you-”

“Oi! Hands off!” Isagi managed to slip out of his grip, an irritated yet familiar scowl on his face. Ness relaxed minutely. Maybe a bit of his tension came from the way Isagi looked at him. It was wild, blazing and new. Something that Ness hadn't calculated for nor had any experienced with. 

“Yoichi, you-”

“Is that why you look sick?” The irritation was gone and what replaced with it was concern. Pity. How disgusting and deplorable for it to come from Isagi of all people. “You should've told someone. Hanahaki is no joke and-”

“You will say nothing to no one.” Ness hissed and grabbed Isagi’s jaw to shut him up. He didn't need to hear another similar sermon to the ones he's read on his research spree. A part of him dreaded that if it was spoken out loud, it would be true. 

Well, it was a bit too late for that now, a suspiciously annoying and Isagi sounding voice chirped in his mind. He said it out loud and he knows! 

“You're being stupid.” The words were muffled and jumbled together considering Ness was still squishing his cheeks to prevent more words from spilling out. “Everyone noticed you've been under the weather. If you've spent most of your time coughing out those flowers-” 

“Flower.” Ness corrected, irked at the lengths of Isagi’s explanation. He was not an idiot so he didn't understand why Isagi was treating him like one. 

“What?”

“It's just one flower. The rest are petals, dumbass.” Ness didn't know why it was so important for the distinction but it was. Isagi’s face seemed to light up at that. 

“Oh! So you aren't that far along-” 

“Just shut the fuck up, trash.” For good measure, Ness shook Isagi’s face to emphasize his point. 

The implications crashed into Ness like a truck, bringing along with it rising dread. First, it seemed like Isagi knew what the disease was. Even with how rare and fantastical sounding of a disease this was, Isagi was familiar with it at first glance. Second, the disease had stages or something similar. With how Isagi reacted, he assumed that Ness was far worse than he already was. It seemed the stages or severity were based on what he coughed up. Petals seemed to be the initial stages and a full flower bloom or a bouquet was the most severe. Clearly this was something he had glossed over during his research, more focused on the cause and cure for it. Third, Ness was getting worse by the minute. Since he went from coughing up a few petals to a whole flower bloom, it was only a matter of time before he coughed up a bouquet. Or, even worse, a rose with its stem — thorns and all. 

The last implication made his face twitch and he held back the urge to just throw Isagi aside and lock himself in his room for the foreseeable future. 

“I will repeat.” Ness looked into Isagi’s eyes, “This is my fucking business and my problem. Stay out of it, Yoichi.” 

Isagi opened his mouth, likely to argue or to say something else, until he clicked his jaw shut. The two of them stared at each other with Isagi clenching his jaw and Ness glaring at him. Then, Isagi sighed and turned away, which Ness took as a win.

“You haven’t told anyone?” Isagi poked and prodded despite already turning away from Ness. He glared at the back of Isagi’s head and scoffed. What stake did Isagi even have for this? He just enjoyed sticking his nose into other people’s business.

“This is my problem.”

Isagi glanced back at him and Ness felt uneasy. There was a look on his face that Ness couldn’t read nor recognize but it sent chills up his spine either way. It was like Isagi knew more than he let on which was stupid. He was just another idiot trying to stand in Kaiser’s way. Even if he managed to recognize Hanahaki and knew a worringly large amount about it, anyone with enough curiosity and free time could know the same.

After that quick and chilling moment, Isagi fully left and Ness let his shoulders drop. He hadn’t even realized he tensed when Isagi showed up. Then, he groaned into his hands and kicked at the trash, spreading more flower petals around as he cursed under his breath. 

Isagi Yoichi hated his guts and Ness anticipated that news of this would spread all over Bastard München, much less Blue Lock, by the next day. Everyone would look at Ness weird and they would immediately connect the dots cause there was literally no one else that Ness looked at with so much admiration as Kaiser. Then, Kaiser would know and he would hate him and Ness would be alone again. 

He sunk to his knees and hugged himself, blinking away the hot tears that forced it’s way out of his eyes. He was going to be utterly ruined and it would be because stupid Isagi saw him coughing out stupid flowers in the stupid bathroom he forgot to lock. 

The dread made Ness more sick than the occasional flower bloom he coughed up in the privacy of his rooms (never in the bathroom anymore, not after Isagi saw him). It was sickening enough that Ness lost more sleep over it and showed up the groggiest and sickest he’d ever been to practice. It was too much that when Noa called him over, Ness feared the worst.

“Sit this one out, Ness.” Ness barely had any energy to respond, much less argue his case. So, he nodded along and sat down on the bench. His hands were clammy and he refused to meet anyone’s eyes lest his deepest fears came true. The eyes he avoided the most were Isagi’s, especially when he felt his stare far more than the rest. It was like a seering brand that burned his skin and Ness resisted the urge to scratch at it if only to not look deranged. 

As the day progressed, Ness felt his suspicions rise further. Even after being benched, he hadn’t heard a single word or whisper from the rest about his condition. Just confused and concerned stares — not counting Isagi’s weird stare that was a mix of emotions that Ness refused to unpack or understand. 

The wait had gotten so bad that Ness waited until the end of dinner to corner Isagi by dragging him to his room. No need to test fate further and talk about something as private and sensitive as this out in the open. He had learned his lesson once.

“Fucking spit it out.” Ness hissed and he shoved Isagi against the wall, all while he glared heatedly at him. Isagi merely blinked up at him before his eyes began to wander all around Ness’s room. His irritation grew and he snapped his fingers in front of Isagi’s face which caught his attention once more, “Who the fuck did you snitch to? Was it one of your little Blue Lock friends? That redhead with the sharp teeth? Or maybe that useless blue haired one? Or, worse, did you go tattle to your favorite trusted adult Noel fucking Noa.”

Isagi frowned at him and Ness resisted the urge to wrap his hands around Isagi’s throat and destroy him physically and off the field, “I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Bullshit, Yoichi.” 

“It’s true.” This time, Isagi scoffed and rolled his eyes as he finally showed his aggressive and crude colors. Ness didn’t know whether he hated how much Isagi actually sounded like he was telling the truth or how much relief washed over him that his worst fears hadn’t come true. “Like you said, it’s your business. If you want a death wish, that’s on you.” 

Ness debated whether he should strangle Isagi now for saying that or for being an actually considerate prick that made Ness hate him even more. 

“Plus…” Isagi shuffled on his feet and looked away, his gaze zeroing in on the trash shoved right next to Ness’s bed. “Something like this… it’s not nice have anyone talk about it like gossip. It's practically life or death.”

Ness had nothing to say to that and only kicked Isagi out of his room after the confirmation. He felt a little lighter after knowing that his secret was still safe, even if it was under Isagi’s hands. He ignored the way his gut churned as he repeated Isagi’s words (were they a warning or just a deep understanding of his situation?) in his head over and over again. 

Ness watched as Isagi kept his secret for a few more days. He watched as Isagi continued to shoot him looks of mixed emotions every moment he could when there wasn’t a practice match or drills to focus on. He watched as his own health declined further and further and he got benched more and more as the days marched on. It was a painful and slow march. Ness likened it to the slow marching of soldiers on their way to their doom, not knowing if they were to live another day or keel over the next. 

Then, it all came to a head one disastrous evening.

It was the middle of dinner when his chest burned like it never did before, constricting and crushing him with an invisible force. His body was hot and shaking as he struggled not to show his weakness, his pain. His breath hitched and it never returned, leaving Ness to try his hardest to not look like he was choking on nothing (flowers) in front of everyone. He stuttered out a lame excuse of needing the bathroom before he could lose the ability to speak and he pushed himself to sprint towards the safety of his room. 

He shakily inputted his password and rushed in, tripped over his feet and he gagged and coughed and clawed at his throat uselessly. Tears burned his eyes as his lungs tightened and shriveled without air. His hands shook as he tried, in vain, to push out whatever was stuck in his throat. His drool dripped all over the place and mixed with blood as Ness convulsed on the floor, hunched over himself.

In the daze of the pain and the lack of air, he felt a firm hand on his back. It spread heat all over him and as it moved up and down, it unwittingly soothed some of the pain. Another hand pushed up Ness’s bangs and held them away from his sweaty and pale face as he continued to hack and gag on the flower that refused to leave his throat. 

Through all of it, Ness couldn’t help but bemoan his own fate. What had he done to deserve any of this? What had he done to be punished for a love that he knew would never work out? What had a he done to be in pain over a longing that he would never act upon? He had never hurt anyone, never pushed his feelings onto Kaiser. He was loyal and stood by his side, through the ups and downs. What had Ness done?

Ness heaved a sigh of relief when a fully bloomed rose, stem and thorns and all, dropped into the floor. The petals and thorns were stained with his blood and spit, contrasting completely against the beautiful and regal blue. Ness swallowed and winced at the pain, gripping his throat as he realized that it had hurt far worse now becuase of the thorns. 

What a fucking irony.

The same flower, the same color, the same thorns that he had long since admired and worshipped were the very same ones that almost killed him. That took his breath away in a more literal sense. The very same flower that marked the skin of his unrequited love was the one that decided whether Ness lived or died. Ness was sure that the same radiant blue that gave his life new meaning would be the very cause of his untimely death.

“Hey, drink some water.” Distantly, he heard a familiar voice as something was pushed against his lips. Limp and willing in the hands of whoever this was, Ness merely tilted his head back and swallowed. The relief the water sent to his throat made his eyes prick with newfound tears and he slumped into the arms of whoever found him. 

It was useless now, keeping this a secret. Ness was sure this was going to be his end.

“Oi, don’t tell me you passed out.” A horribly grating voice that made Ness’s ears ring with annoyance pushed through the hazy fog that surrounded his mind. He blinked away the tears and tilted his head just to see who he was leaning against. When he saw who it was, he wished the flowers just killed him then and there. Isagi fucking Yoichi stared back down at him, blue eyes wide with concern and panic as he looked at Ness in his arms. “Okay, okay, you’re awake. That was- bad. Shit, roses are the worst with their thorns, holy fuck. That’s a… lot more blood than I’ve- whatever.”

“Fuck you.” Ness rasped out and jerked away from Isagi’s grasp. To his horror, he lacked any of the strength to do anything much more than flinch and Isagi kept holding him securely against his chest. Even more horrifying was Isagi sighing and pulling him closer and he had nothing to do or say about it.

“That was a shitty episode, Ness.” He frowned, eyes darting between him and the bloodied rose on the floor. He pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head head, all of which Ness could only watch in growing horror and despair. Why couldn’t he have suffered this alone? Even if everything Isagi did brought relief, Ness hated that it was him who saw him like this. Again. A part of him hated the thought that he wished it was Kaiser who took care of him like this. “If I remember correctly, this won’t be the last.”

“What are you-” He could barely form the words, much less finish the sentence, when his body siezed once more and he coughed and wheezed and another horrible sensation flooded his entire body. He shook in Isagi’s secure arms and he wondered lightly why Isagi seemed far more panicked as he continued to cough.

It wasn’t as bad as a while ago, Ness mused internally until everything went dark.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

By the time Ness woke up, he wasn't in the operating room nor was he on an infirmary cot. Rather, he was inside his private room in Blue Lock and he honestly thought that everything was a dream. That was, up until he sat up and winced at the slight pain that shot up from his chest because of the movement. 

“Hey-” A hand pressed down on his shoulders and pushed him back to bed slowly. Ness’s gaze snapped to meet Isagi’s and he blinked. Not a dream then, he mused internally. “Be careful, it might sting just a little bit after but you've been cleared to come back.” 

“How long…?” Ness watched Isagi scratched his cheek and looked away briefly. There was an initial irritation but nothing deeper, nothing more.

“The whole thing happened within the day but you stayed out of it for two more days.” Isagi shrugged and looked back at him. “You've been cleared to return just this morning and I’ve been uh… Staying with you for a while to keep an eye on you.” 

“And missing your precious practice?” Ness hadn't pegged Isagi as the type to ever miss practice, willingly or otherwise. The few times he had interacted with him showed that he was pretty absorbed into the sport. “You’ve already stayed with me for the operation. You didn’t have to.”

“I don't mind.” Isagi sat at the edge of the bed, his hand played with the blanket before he stopped. “I’ll just work harder to catch up but… It can be pretty jarring to wake up after all that. Are you okay?” 

Ness blinked and he stared at Isagi. It was odd that most of the negative emotions he used to feel for him were just simmering now. As if they never really belonged to him. As if they were attached to something or someone else. As if they never belonged to him in the first place. Then, Ness paused and he looked back on his memories. There was something fundamentally wrong with everything. A large missing piece that left a gaping hole inside of him.

His hands clenched into the fabric of the blanket as he looked through everything. As he looked back on every significant moment and he got nothing. It was jarring. It was painful. It was… Light.

“Ness...?” He looked up and Isagi had his hand reached out and a worried expression painted his face. 

"Is it weird that I don’t even feel sad about it?” Ness frowned down at his hands, once a host of blood stained blue petals and now was empty. Another reminder that something was gone. 

“A bit.” Isagi tilted his head from side to side, as if to say so-so. Ness wondered if Isagi had someone to speak to when he woke up. Ness wondered if he did this because he hadn’t. 

“You’re… not a bad person, Yoichi.” Ness closed his eyes and leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Isagi. They weren’t closer, never was, but with everything flipped over for Ness — Isagi seemed like the only comfort he could afford now. The only one to understand his… pain? He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t in pain either. It just felt wrong.

“What a change of heart.” Ness could hear the teasing tone and he didn’t even rise to the bait and get angry. He just snuggled closer because maybe Isagi’s body heat was enough to cure the horrible chill that enveloped his body. The horrible emptiness. 

“What now?” He knew what the future meant. It meant that his every move with Kaiser was now detached, professional. He was Bastard München’s prized magician — their golden midfielder. Kaiser was their Ace and their main philosophy had always been to pass to him, even while in Blue Lock. Logically, Ness also knew that Kaiser was the only one who could receive his passes. 

Then, he blinked and shifted to stare at Isagi who blinked down at him. 

Maybe there was someone else who could catch up. Now that Ness only viewed Kaiser in a logical lens, already gone was the admiriation and blind faith, even he could see that he and Isagi were neck on neck. Kaiser had his unique weapons but so did Isagi. Kaiser had the skills and experience to back him up, Isagi had the motivation and scary drive to make up for what he lacked. 

He questioned why he never even passed to Isagi before.

“Well, that depends on you.” Isagi answered his question and broke the still quiet. He reached up and scratched the back of his neck as he looked away. “Honestly, Blue Lock had a lot of rivals for me to try and defeat, not just Rin, so I didn’t particularly feel a loss there. Not just that but I want the Number One spot, no matter who was on it. Also, Kaiser replaced the spot of rival for me so nothing really changed for me.”

“But everything will change for me.” Ness continued what Isagi seemed hesitant to admit. Isagi shrugged and it jostled Ness slightly which earned him an apologetic smile. Ness huffed and shifted so he was sitting beside Isagi with his head still on his shoulder. “I will admit… Passing to Kaiser was an obsession of mine. Yes, I could pass to Noa and the others but ultimately I had existed for Kaiser. Now… Now, I think I have more options on the field.”

“Am I a part of those options.” He was sure it was meant to be a jest. Ness was sure that Isagi never even fathomed a reality where he would get a ball from him, not when Kaiser was there. More so when Noa was on the field. Ness was also sure that Isagi had that same mindset with the rest of Blue Lock, always toeing the line between someone who was worth passing to and someone who was a liability.

“Yes.” He surprised himself with how sincere he was in his answer. After all, now that he didn’t have the bias clouding his judgement then he could see why Noa and the rest saw potential in Isagi. Why the rest seemed to rally behind him far more easily than they did with Kaiser. Truly, Isagi was Blue Lock’s heart with the way he managed to get everyone orbiting around him like he was the sun.

Isagi jolted and Ness could feel his eyes on him. He resolutely ignored meeting them as he stared forward.

“You…“ Isagi’s voice was tinged with a bit of awe and wonder but there was something else in there as well. Warmth. 

“I’m not an idiot.” Ness huffed and his gaze moved towards the empty trashcan. If he didn’t have the scar that he was sure was on his chest as a reminder, he could pretend that nothing ever happened. He could pretend like he was always like this — a logical machine meant to orchestrate goals for Bastard München and their Ace. “Looking at it now, without the bias and the feelings related to Kaiser… I can admit that you’re a good player Isagi. Almost on par with Kaiser.”

“Are we sure you don’t have any emotions left.” Isagi continued to joke, clearly deflecting the sudden praise from someone who normally spat venom against him whether on or off the field. It was an odd switch but honestly, Ness was sure that all his hatred for Isagi was just an extension of his admiration to Kaiser. Without the admiration, Ness knew that logically he had no reason to hate Isagi. His hatred for him was not his own and the surgery made him realize that. Made him realize that he was his own person and not some tumor attached to Kaiser.

“I can still admit that he’s a good player.” Ness rolled his eyes and Isagi laughed. It was nice. This was nice.

Ness let the silence continue before he closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

“How the hell would I even begin to explain this.” He muttered under his breath, irritation rising in him at the thought of everyone’s weird stares when he stopped following Kaiser around like some dog. 

“You could not.” Isagi offered and this time, Ness straightened just to look at Isagi like he had two heads. “What? You don’t owe them anything. I never honestly told anyone about what happened with me.”

“Yours is different, Yoichi.” Ness pointed out the flaw in his logic. While Rin and Isagi seemed close from an outsider perspective, there was a chance that everyone in Blue Lock knew that there wasn’t anything more there since they had a closer look at the two. “I practically lived and breathed Kaiser. Now, I… I just want to be a midfielder that orchestrates a goal that would amaze millions.

It had been his original goal, his original ego. Long before he had met Kaiser, Ness chased after his own magic. His own ability to play so well on the field and create a goal that would defean the stadium with cheers. He wanted that goal back. He wanted that ego back. He missed playing for himself.

“Maybe we can lie?” Isagi suggested and Ness continued to look at him like he had grown two heads. Not even Ness would believe any kind of lie that Isagi would dare to come up with if he looked at things in an outside perspective.

“How good of a lie would it be to make everyone suddenly understand my personality switch.” Ness’s nose twitched. It was slight irritation but Ness found himself feeling fond as well. Isagi just sounded so genuine and sincere that looking back on it, Ness wondered how the hell he had such a shit attitude the second he stepped on the field. It was like he saw an angel lose it’s wings and regain them again after.

“You’ve been sick for a while, right?” Isagi asked the obvious and Ness raised an eyebrow to show how he felt about that. The other merely laughed nervously and added, “Well, we could say that I helped you out through it, we got close and you sorta… had an eye opener?”

“Half truths and a very blatant lie.” Ness mused dryly. He might’ve not have the feelings anymore but even he saw how attached he was to Kaiser. “You really want to go down the ‘I whittled down his walls’ route? What’s next, you’re gonna say we’re together now?”

“We could! To seal the deal!” Isagi laughed and Ness paused. He stared at Isagi and found laughter bubbling up to the surface as well. That would’ve made an interesting sight. Ness and Isagi, two people who hated each other’s guts had somehow put their differences aside and got together after they disappeared for three days. “They do say that love and hate is a fine line.”

“You’re so stupid, Yoichi.” 

“Well, do you have any other idea, Ness?” 

“Alexis.” Ness locked eyes with Isagi and saw the very moment that Isagi’s eyes widened minutely at his word. He chuckled and reached out to ruffle Isagi’s hair, “If we’re going down the fake dating route, might as well make it a little more believable. Call me Alexis, Yoichi.”

“Alright.” Ness captured the entirety of Isagi’s dazed look and he leaned closer, wanting to see even the most minute changes. He chuckled and poked Isagi’s growing flushed cheek. 

“Don’t go falling for me, alright?” Even as he said it, he felt his chest tighten a bit. He brushed it off as the wound acting up becuase of his actions. He kept moving and shifting around after all.

“I should be telling you that.” Isagi puffed his cheeks out as he glared at Ness, though it clearly lacked any of the heat that usually came with it. He thought it was a wonderful step in the right direction. “You’re the one that suggested this.”

“Whatever, Yoichi.”

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“What are you doing, Ness?” At the sound of his name, he turned around slowly only to glance upwards and meet Kaiser’s half irritated and half incredulous look. Ness had long since gotten used to that look considering everyone in the cafeteria had it when he and Isagi entered and proceeded to sit together. He was sure that look got even worse and more confused when he and Isagi continued to speak amicably and Ness even laughed at one of his jokes. 

“Talking to Yoichi?” Ness narrowed his eyes at Kaiser. No matter what he did, nothing came up. Not a single smidge of irritation, adoration or hate came up when he was faced with Kaiser. No longing, no regret, nothing. “Was there something you needed?”

“Did you hit your head or something?” Kaiser snapped and Ness blinked. While Kaiser was constantly the one who ensured that Ness didn’t take it too far with Isagi before, it seemed he didn’t like it when Ness approached Isagi amicably. An odd contrast for sure but Ness merely shrugged back.

“Not really.” He might as well have with how different his memories feel to him now. He wouldn’t admit that though, not when he and Isagi had already straightened out their story and lie. The entirety of the lie depended on the fact that literally no one knew why Ness was sick in the first place and Isagi’s well known tendency of sticking his face into shit that he wasn’t a part of. Neither of them even had to say anything too incriminating when they could easily make vague references and let everyone else piece it together.

“Alexis can make friends with anyone he wants to, right?” Isagi beamed from across from him. Ness ignored the sound of utensils that clattered to the ground and other choked sounds that had come from the people around them. If he paid attention to those, he wouldn’t have seen the annoyed tick that got into Kaiser’s eye and the way he clenched his hands into fists at his side.

“No one asked you, Yoichi.” Kaiser scowled at him and Ness had to resist the urge to raise his eyebrow at the amount of venom that Kaiser spat out. He was aware of their enmity and was even a participant in it based on his memories but even then — Kaiser had never been this sharp against Isagi. 

“Kaiser...” Ness sighed and he had hoped to avoid this kind of confrontation for the longest time but some things were just not meant to be. He continued before Kaiser or Isagi could say anything more and make the situation worse, “If you need anything, I can help you out but if it's not that important, I’d like to finish my food.”

Without any incidents, Ness idly thought, though he never voiced it out. He knew Kaiser, or perhaps Isagi, would chomp on the bit and make everything worse. 

Kaiser opened his mouth, took one look between Ness and Isagi, and snapped it shut. He scoffed and turned around without another word. Ness watched him go in silence before he turned back to Isagi.

“You should really learn to stop antagonizing him, Yoichi.” He mused teasingly and pointed at him with his fork. Isagi rolled his eyes at the comment but didn't rise up to the small bait, much to the surprise, no doubt, of their avid audience.

“I'll stop when he stops.” Isagi hedged, none of his anger and frustration were fake. He felt things whenever he saw Kaiser. He felt angry, frustrated, annoyed. It was odd to see such explosive emotions when Ness himself felt nothing for Kaiser. He was merely amicable but overall wanted the entire situation to be over with. 

“If you're going to keep this up, I won't pass to you during a game.” This time Ness glanced to the side when someone coughed loudly. The cough stopped immediately and Ness refocused on Isagi’s slight shock. They had discussed a lot of things pertaining their story to keep the details straight but Ness largely kept his current plans to himself. He had been incredibly curious about Isagi, especially when he hadn’t immediately taken advantage Ness’s current situation to his benefit. 

This meant that his words were far more sincere and held a lot more truth than any other lie they planned on pulling. Had Isagi insisted that Ness completely follow him, like a different version of Kaiser all the while he used his knowledge as leverage, Ness would’ve found a way to spite him for being an outright ass. Reality was much kinder, however, when Isagi seemed far more accommodating to Ness and mostly gave lighthearted suggestions that Ness could easily wave away if he really disliked them. It made him all fluttery inside and he had to squash the feeling down multiple times. It seemed like he forgot what the bare minimum felt like after being with Kaiser for a while — even if he didn't feel anything for him anymore. 

“I- well-” Isagi stuttered out, completely and utterly taken aback. He blinked at Ness before he snapped out of it with a bright grin. “Well, no promises but I'll try!” 

Ness was reminded immediately of a little rabbit. A black rabbit. The little ones that jumped around all excitedly and nipped at your fingers for pets. He chuckled and reached over to pat Isagi’s head. He focused on the way Isagi’s face flushed and his eyes averted to stare down at his plate. The ease of which Isagi seemed to switch between excited and shy was endearing and Ness hoped he’d be able to see more of it in the duration of their little plot. He was starting to like this off-field version of Isagi a whole lot more.

“Then, we’ll just have to see.” Ness pulled away to continue eating. There was no reason to give the rest of the Bastard München lineup a heart attack this early, not when they still had games to play. “If you’re not doing anything later, we can review some game footage together.”

“I’m free.” Isagi answered easily, clearly not even asking his friends if there was anything they needed him to do. Ness wondered which of this was genuine interest and which was faked for the show they decided to put on. He stared into the depths of Isagi’s deep blue eyes and realized, slowly, that maybe a part of Isagi’s charm was that he was always genuine. Always sincere, even when he was a big fat liar. “Where are we meeting?”

“People will crowd the monitor room.” Ness grabbed his tray and stood up. Isagi followed, like an adorable little puppy. Ness smiled and waited until they were about to leave, they had an audience, after all. “You can come by my room, later.”

Isagi’s eyes sparkled and Ness realized that this must’ve been the first time he was given proper permission to enter Ness’s room. After all, the two times that he entered Ness’s rooms were practically under duress. Ness chuckled and walked along the halls with Isagi on his heels as he continued to talk his ear off about future strategies and games. Along the way, they somehow bumped into Itoshi Rin on the way to an empty training room. Isagi barely paid any mind to Rin which would've been odd had Ness not known what he did. He wasn't sure what exactly possessed him but he moved closer to Isagi, placing a hand on his shoulder as he steered him towards the nearest training room, letting the door slide shut with a sense of finality. 

Isagi may not feel anything for Rin anymore but Ness would gladly feel everything (derision, annoyance, bitterness) for him.

“Now, let’s see if you can catch up to my passes, Yoichi.” Ness grinned and he hasn’t felt lighter in such a way in days.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

They never really confirmed or denied anything to anyone. While they did go with the whole “Isagi took care of him and whittled down his walls” narrative, they never clarified anything about their relationship with one another. It was always ambiguous. Were they close friends? Were they dating? Was it just them being clingy? Whenever they were faced with questions about it, they’d just smile and shrug and left everyone guessing. 

That ambiguity had helped quell a lot of their interest and after a while, people stopped paying attention.

That ambiguity didn’t help Ness now.

It didn’t help that even outside of prying eyes, they were close — too close. Even without an audience, Isagi would look at Ness sincerely and ask if they could hang out. Even without an audience, Ness would run his hands through Isagi’s hair while the other leaned into his touch. Even without an audience, they would talk and talk and talk until it was late into the night and Ness suggested Isagi to stay the night and -

Even without an audience, Isagi sought Ness’s touch and Ness met him in the middle. 

In the privacy of Ness’s room, where they met almost every night now, Isagi tucked himself against Ness’s chest with a tablet on hand and Ness rested his chin on the top of Isagi’s head. Then, halfway through Isagi’s rant, Ness already had his arms around Isagi’s waist and pulled him close. When it got darker and later and their eyes got too tired, Ness dragged Isagi to the soft covers of his bed and they’d wake up tangled in each other’s limbs.

These small moments were all genuine because they had no more audience in Ness’s room. They only had each other and there was no need for masks, for pretend, for lies. They weren’t playing roles assigned to them and could do whatever they wanted. Whatever they wanted. 

It meant that everything they did, they wanted.

“What are we, Yoichi?” Ness blurted out one evening, just shy of the final game against PXG. They were in a familiar position, Isagi tucked under his chin and close to his chest. Ness’s arms hugged Isagi close, and his fingers played with the hem of Isagi’s sweater. He was busy analyzing one of PXG’s most recent plays when Ness interrupted the peace. 

“Huh?” Isagi tilted his head back and from this angle, Ness saw how wide Isagi’s eyes went and how innocent he looked. What a joke, Ness mused internally. Isagi had a tongue sharper than anyone’s wit. 

“What we’re doing…“ Ness hummed and despite their proximity, he felt cold. He glanced down and he wondered if Isagi would smack his hand away if he brushed his bangs upwards to get a proper look at his face. He let his urges win and did exactly that, and was rewarded with a slow blink from Isagi. “This isn’t for anyone, is it?”

“No.” Isagi spoke, slow and steady. His words were measured this time, far more than they normally were around Ness. Far more than they were seconds ago when Isagi devoured every bit of knowledge from the match and articulated them to Ness. 

“Then…“ He licked his lips. He hesitated and the air was cold. It was cold and Isagi was so close. He was probably the closest Ness ever had in his entire life. Not even Kaiser was this close — or let himself get this close. If this was what it felt to be close (loved) then Ness wondered why there was no familiar tightness around his chest. “What are we?”

The repeated question made Isagi hesitate, his eyes flitted to the side as if he was searching for a way out. Ness zeroed in on the hesitation immediately. There were very few things that made Isagi hesitate, which made Ness all too aware of their position. Isagi was pressed against his chest, with Ness’s hands all over him. One hand on his waist while the other was buried in his hair. Ness swallowed but stayed still. If he withdrew now, who knew what Isagi would think. What Ness would think.

“What do you want us to be?” Isagi muttered after a while of silence. It was an opening, Ness realized. Isagi had something in mind already but because he was so Isagi, he asked the question instead. It was so disgustingly sweet and saccharine that Ness outright laughed. His breath stolen from him in a way that he enjoyed — a way that he wouldn’t mind repeating over and over again.

Isagi jolted in his hold but Ness merely tightened his grip around his waist, scared that Isagi would run because of Ness’s slip-up. He shook his head and calmed down from his fit, fully encasing Isagi in both his arms.

“You’re so… you.” Ness mused into Isagi’s shoulder, burying his face into it. He breathed in Isagi’s scent and his chest hasn’t felt this light since the surgery. A part of him wanted to stay like this forever. Another part was sure that Isagi was absolutely confused and disoriented. “Yoichi… answer your own question.”

“That-”

“Come on.” Ness urged and nuzzled closer, glancing at Isagi from the corner of his eyes. Isagi let out a choked sound before he melted into the embrace. Ness hummed as he waited for Isagi to collect himself with a proper answer. 

“Alexis…“ Isagi whispered and Ness snapped to attention immediately, nudging Isagi’s head with his own to show he was listening. Isagi let the silence hang in the air for a moment before he continued with a sigh, “We’re whatever you want to be.”

“But what do you want?” Ness shot back easily, already aware that Isagi had wanted him to say something. If Isagi didn’t want this — didn’t truly want it, whatever this was — and was only here because he felt some level of pity for Ness, then Ness would gladly withdraw. He liked Isagi but it wasn’t the same as Kaiser, at least he thought it wasn’t. He was fine with whatever label they decide on, as long as he could be with Isagi. 

Isagi sucked in a breath and Ness wondered, briefly, if he checked if he could breathe. 

“Alexis Ness, you are impossible.” Isagi muttered under his breath and he reached up to cover one of Ness’s hands with his own. Ness zeroed in on the sight and he wondered what it would feel like to intertwine them together. Would the warmth be the same or would it be fundamentally different? “I thought I could’ve kept it up a little longer.”

Ness blinked at the almost bitter tone in Isagi’s voice and he tightened his grip around his waist. He didn’t know whether this was a positive or a negative just yet and he’d rather not jump to conclusions. He refused.

“I like you.” The words sounded like a spell that was uttered. A spell that broke the entire situation and rewrote it completely. If magic were real, it would be in the form of Isagi Yoichi. “I like you a lot and- fuck. You really got me to say that, huh?”

Ness chuckled and he found he couldn’t stop. His laughter spilled out some more, filling the silent air with hilarity and light. When he couldn’t even stop it, he turned his head just so and muffled the rest into Isagi’s neck. Isagi slowly descended into his own fit of laughter, shaking against Ness as he tried to squirm out of the hug.

“Sto- stop!” Isagi reached up and pressed a palm between Ness’s face and his neck. He huffed out one last laugh before he shook his head, “That’s ticklish.”

“At least now I can say you fell for my spell, Yoichi.” Ness beamed at Isagi and that caused another bout of laughter from the two. Once they’ve calmed down, Isagi leaned back and closed his eyes. At this point, they were practically cuddling, their legs tangled as the tablet sat to the side, discarded.

“I was… scared.” Isagi admitted into the silence and Ness hummed into his hair. He drew comforting circles around Isagi’s hip with his thumb as he listened. “That maybe I didn’t like you as much because…”

“You don’t need stupid flowers in your lungs to tell you shit, Yoichi.” Ness huffed out but it wasn’t out of malice. Rather, Ness understood that sentiment all too well.

Sometimes, he sat on his bed and waited. He waited for the shortness of breath, the one cough that would signify something was about to go terribly wrong. He waited for the tightness in his chest, the pain that encompassed his entire being. When none of it came, Ness would never know if the sigh was out of relief or disappointment. Relief that there was no more pain and disappointment that he was mistaken. That he had considered whatever they had as something else when it wasn’t the case. 

“Yeah, well, we’re both much closer to each other than we ever were with…“ Isagi let the names hang in the air. His nose was scrunched cutely as his mind wandered, no doubt to their shared past. “But I couldn’t help but… worry. That maybe it’s not as deep.”

“Whatever.” Ness closed his eyes and sat there. He sat there and basked in the presence of Isagi. He sat there and enjoyed his touch and the feeling of him close. Then, he opened his eyes and solidified it. Everything. “I like you. I like you a lot, Yoichi.”

There was no tension, no jolt, no flinch. Instead, Isagi melted even more into his embrace and chuckled deeply.

“We’ll figure this out, right?” Isagi didn’t have to say what they needed figuring out. It was clear as day, between them both. One can take the flowers out of their lungs but the scars served as a reminder — both in memory and physically. 

“Every step of the way.” Ness agreed. It wouldn’t be perfect, not right away. They would both have their doubts. Their questions. Their hesitance. More so when they’d compare it to the “before”, to when they’d suffer through pain and flowers because their love was too much. “We don’t need a label anyway, Yoichi.”

“Liking each other…“ Isagi tilted his head up and to the side, mostly so he could look right into Ness’s eyes. The beautiful blue was deeper, much darker, than the ones Ness were used to seeing. Much darker than the ones Ness grew to hate. “That’s all that matters.”

“Yeah.” A smile, a squeeze and they both spent the rest of the night reviewing the match records once more. This time, the air was lighter. Warmer. 

If the next day started with intertwined hands when they walked into the general cafeteria, that was for them to discuss and giggle about in the privacy of Ness’s rooms. If the next few nights were spent together in Ness’s rooms to the point that Isagi’s things mixed with Ness’s own, that was for them to know.

If turquoise and royal blue eyes followed the pair’s every move that day onwards, that wasn’t for them to be privy to. If Rin shoved ocean blue petals into the trash the night before the Bastard and PXG match, that wasn’t for anyone to know. If Kaiser ripped purple petals to shreds in the safety of his room all the while the monitor screens around him replayed Ness and Isagi training together, that wasn’t for anyone to know. 

Hanahaki doesn’t crop up because of the lack of love — it cropped up because of the inability to move on from an unrequited love. The denial, the secrecy, the isolation. That is where the disease bleeds and festers.