Archive of Our Own ^beta

“If you treat everyone special, then nobody is actually special to you.”

“See ya.” A chill ran down his spine as he watched Izuku’s figure slowly disappear into the glow of the city lights in the dark. Katsuki hadn’t noticed the night air becoming colder.

Of course, I know better than to expect special treatment.

Ochako’s eyes crinkled in a smile as she adjusted to hold the weight of her bag. “You know, the students are lucky to have you, Deku.”

Izuku smiled, albeit bashfully. “I dunno, as long as I help them, even a little.” 

They had been sitting and chatting for a while. It had been way too long since they caught up, and Izuku totally lost track of time while they chattered about all that was going on in their life. It made him wonder when exactly he became an adult who had so many things to make conversation about. He had told Ochako a bunch about how teaching was going, and she had told him all about the quirk counselling and her pro hero work.

“Of course you do.” She looked up at a nearby shop sign that helped illuminate the bench they were sitting on. “You’ve always been great with people. You’re kind and caring. That goes a long way on its own. But you also are perceptive, notice how others are feeling, when they need to have a hand reached out to them. When they need to be saved.”

Izuku’s eyes widened a little when she turned back look at him. “I’m not-”

He knew where she was going with this, and the sentiment was kind, but lately he just hadn’t felt that way. There were things that seemed to come so easily to him once that now were difficult. It wasn’t that teaching or heroics were hard, but reading people and acting on instinct, those things had become muddled in his head.

“You don’t have to be in danger to need to be saved. You know that as well as I do.” Certainty laced her voice, leaving no room for argument. “How does it feel to be doing hero work again?”

“It’s nice.”

“Just nice?” He nodded simply in response, making her hum and turn away again to watch a couple walking by.

It was nice. He was so grateful to his once classmates and now colleagues. At first there had been no apprehension, only excitement, when Kacchan had reached out and beckoned him to walk alongside him. He hadn’t anticipated how much he’d changed from when he was in high school. They were changes that he hadn’t noticed until he suddenly picked up a career that he had effectively given up on 8 years prior.

After a few minutes he spoke again, “I guess I’m not sure yet. I’m still teaching, and I’m not used to this big change. I’m not sure if I—”

She waited patiently while he gathered his thoughts. 

That familiar lump in his throat that seemed to keep forming lately came again. He had found a perfect place for himself where everything he wanted was nestled into his pocket. Izuku had gotten used to having all of his dreams somewhere he could simply imagine them, and that had been enough. But when everything flipped him upside down suddenly, all the contents of his pockets were left scattered on the floor. He was still trying to pick each one up, but some had been left untouched for so long that he wasn’t sure what might happen if he faced them head-on.

“Well, it’s been so long. Honestly, when I lost One For All I got used to the idea of my life being different. I couldn’t just rely on being a hero to be happy. I was on the outside looking in as my last embers burned out. I was okay with that. I had you all while we were still at UA. Then there was college, and now I’ve been working. It’s kept me preoccupied. And sure, we lost touch a little, but it hasn’t been bad. Maybe a little lonely sometimes, but actually it’s been nice. It’s only natural that everyone is a little busy, right? Anyway I’m already happy, or I was— But that’s not to say I’m not still—”

Ochako bumped his arm with her elbow, a gentle interruption to his rant. “Deku?” 

A blush dusted his cheeks as he leaned back on the bench. “I’m a little nervous. About all these new things I mean.” His fingers rapped against the cool iron with soft taps.

It was sorta the truth. He was nervous, but he was more afraid of facing old things that were changing rather than something new.

“Nervous? But you’re a natural, you always have been. You’re already a hero, Deku.” Ochako had a way, despite her bashful qualities, to say exactly what she’s thinking about someone, Izuku thought. A way of throwing your own character in your lap, and making you face it head on, for better or worse.

“It’s not the hero work that makes me nervous. It’s— I’m not really sure I even know. I guess it’s the change that comes with it.” He hated the words as he spoke them, because he knew exactly how they sounded. But what other excuse did he have? What reason could there be to make him feel any different than he has his entire life?

He sounded complacent.

And he knew a certain someone who would have no problem calling him out on that. Not that he’d be wrong, but since he was somehow at the center of that complacency, Izuku didn’t want to hear it. That was why, he figured, he should voice his concerns to Ochako instead. Maybe she’d have some insight or, at the very least, he wouldn’t have to feel awful that she knew the truth about him.

Ochako nodded, listening to him without an ounce of the judgement that he knew he deserved. He felt like he did anyway, even if he didn’t know to read his heart all its apprehension right now. “I think I understand. I’ve been afraid too. But somebody told me you should live life the way you want to. I didn’t know what that meant before.

I’ve been trying so hard to leave a good mark behind on this world, you know. It’s partially thanks to you that I’m like this. It’s not just that though. I also want to make up for my mistakes in the past too. I’ve tried to come up with ways to do that, but… You can’t change what you’ve done, nothing will undo the past. You can only do your best in the present. I thought that meant that if I helped someone now, it might make up for my wrongs. But we can’t spend our whole lives making amends.”

Izuku listened, waiting for her to finish.

“‘Live your life the way you want to.’ It means that it’s okay to be selfish, and go after what you want. And it’s okay if you make some mistakes on your path, because you have to keep chasing it anyway.”

Izuku stared wide eyed, not sure what to make of her words.

She continued to look straight ahead with her hands clasped together in her lap. A cool breeze finally broke the silence when Ochako gasped from the chill. She rubbed her arms in an effort to warm herself. “Geez, it got chilly all of a sudden. I guess we should get going, it’s getting late anyway.” She hopped up from her seat and turned to look at her old classmate on the bench. “Thank you, Deku, for this. You don’t know how much it means to me, to get to talk like this with you again.”

Izuku shook his head as he stood. “I’m the one who should be thanking you, Uraraka. I’m glad we could catch up.”

 She shook her head too, and clutched her bag a little closer to her chest, the smile never leaving her face. “Hey Deku, give what I said some thought, okay?” She nudged his side playfully.

“Okay, but I don’t really—” She waved her hand, cutting him off.

“It’s okay, it’ll give us something to talk about next time.” Her tone felt so sure that there was really no room to argue, so he swallowed his words and nodded. 

“Oh Uraraka, wait!” He suddenly stopped her as he slid off his blazer. “It is getting colder out, take this, since you have to take the train, right?”

She flushed bright red and waved her hands quickly. “I couldn’t take that from you, Deku, I’m fine—”

But he was already pushing it towards her. “It’s my fault for keeping you late. At least let me make sure you don't catch a cold.”

She eyed him shyly from behind one hand covering her face and took the blazer with the other.  “Okay thanks, Deku. I’ll make sure to give it back to you!” She slid it on quickly and waved before turning to head towards the train station.

Izuku watched her quietly before turning to look towards the sky once she was out of sight. “Special treatment”, “living life the way he wanted”, his head was spinning with thoughts. The lump in his throat only grew. 

One person was at the center of his complacency. And yet he was also at the center of his will to change, grow, flee, and chase. It was his fault that he couldn’t think straight.

His dear friend. His friend who he cared so deeply for, who he fought with more than anyone else, who he'd do anything for, who changed between affection and loathing like the wind, who gave him an unimaginable gift because…

Well, he wasn't sure exactly. If he knew Katsuki, the reason was probably not far from just ‘he wanted to, so he did.’ His friend, at the very least, had shown Izuku that he seemed to genuinely want to do hero work together. Of course, it wasn't the first time Katsuki had proved that's what he wanted, but Izuku admittedly had no idea he would go so far to make it happen.

So much time and work. Izuku wasn't sure he deserved it, or if anyone was worth that kind of effort. For Kacchan, someone so special and capable and amazing and deserving of so many great things, to lay aside his own needs for Izuku? It didn't make sense. 

And after all that effort, he hadn't smiled once tonight. Not at him or anyone else. Izuku wondered if he had already managed to disappoint his friend, if maybe it was all his fault that Kacchan looked so sad. Surely, after all that effort, Katsuki's expectations must have been too high. Izuku inevitably failed to meet them. He wished he could meet those expectations and then exceed them instead. He wished he was making Katsuki happy rather than sad. He wished he could give him everything he wanted.

Click.

A cold breeze brought him back from his thoughts as he shivered. The temperature was dropping quickly, but something sparked inside of Izuku, and it made him turn in the opposite direction of his home. 

He hated to just wonder and worry about it. Maybe Ochako was right.

Something in the air made Katsuki scrunch his nose, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was. He felt that way lately, guided by things that made no sense to him. Or rather, he felt as if he wasn’t guided at all. He simply acted on instinct, following some path that seemed endlessly winding ahead of him.

There had been a time when he was always guided, when he acted carefully and with purpose. Careful. There used to be a soldier within him. One who was mindful not to stray from the road that led to the front of the brigade. No slip-ups, no backtracking, no hesitation. But now? Now was another story.

That soldier, oh so faithful to his straight-ahead road, had finally stopped to rest. He hadn’t realized how tired he had grown of endlessly trekking onward, blind to everything else. Everything, except the images he left behind in others’ heads when he marched past them. He never paused to see those images though, only imagined what they would be. He never stopped unti he came across a mourning dove with a broken wing blocking his way. When the bird sang its sad song to him, he couldn't just march past it. Still, the soldier's only intention was to get it water and continue on his way. He didn't know straying from that road would change him intuitively.

Once he rested his weary legs, closed his sleepless eyes, and was shown the image the dove had conjured of him, Katsuki knew there was no chance of him continuing on like he had. Not when he was the one who had kicked the dove mid-race and broken its wing in the first place. Even though Katsuki had intended to march forward alongside the dove once its wing healed again, it became impossible. He had strayed too far from the road, and by the time he returned it was covered in dust, now indiscernible. In the end the soldier had no choice but to follow an unpaved path that twisted and turned endlessly with no clear finish line in sight.

The kicker of it all was that he had come to not mind it. The spontaneity of it all had pleasantly surprised him. He didn’t know when, but Katsuki stopped searching for the paved way altogether at some point. Instead the hero walked this trail that wasn’t actually visible at all, and he only followed it by doing what felt right. He turned when the left seemed a little brighter than the right, backtracked when backward seemed warmer than forward, trudged ahead when the destination was worth the risks.

Katsuki had learned, with the help of a little dove with a broken wing, to go where the wind took him. He had learned to enjoy the sights as he passed by them and to revel in the company beside him. He had learned to take risks, not to get ahead but to be vulnerable, in an effort to just live.

So maybe that was why Katsuki had blurted out his feelings in the car the way he did. All casual and no effort, as if it wasn’t something he had spent years thinking about.

“If they said, ‘I want to surpass Dynamight,’ I’d take them in a heartbeat.”

It was a lie. Katsuki’s heart had skipped a beat and then another as the words came out like vomit, so he couldn’t have kept his word. Not that it mattered in the end.

When the soldier set the healed dove free, he didn’t expect it to not return. But he should have.

He was the one who broke its wing after all.

“Hey man, weren't waiting too long were ya?” Kirishima’s voice broke through Katsuki’s aimless stream of thoughts. He made his way from the doorstep to where Katsuki was propped against the car parked by the sidewalk. “Mina needed a hand with something inside, I tried telling her I’d do it tomorrow, but you know how she can be.”

Katsuki shrugged silently with tightly folded arms. He wasn’t sure how he had gotten wrapped up in taking everyone home. ‘Everyone’ meaning just Denki, Mina, and Kirishima— but still. They were all excited to see his car, so he agreed to show them. Then, before he realized it, they were all piled inside like a bunch of kids going on a field trip. Honestly, Katsuki couldn’t remember if they even properly asked for the ride or if he had agreed to it. His friends seemed to also be aware of how he had become more easygoing in his young-adult years (and took advantage of him for it.) Katsuki, never too nice to say, "No," but nice enough to take them all home anyway, Bakugou. What the hell?

Bet you'd say it's a good thing.

When he turned to get back in the car his body practically creaked with the soreness from how tensely he had stood in his quiet thoughts.

“Hey, wait a sec.” Kirishima placed a hand on his shoulder, kind but firm.

Katsuki braced for the inevitable impact.

“Let’s talk. Are you okay, dude?”

“Whatever. I wasn’t waitin’ that long. Make it up to me by getting in the car already.” He let out a huff, and shrugged the hand off his shoulder. 

“C’mon, not that. You know what I mean.” Kirishima snaked between him and the car door, blocking Katsuki.

He shrugged again and shook his head like Kirishima was making no sense. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Katsuki had to withhold himself from eyerolling at his own act.

Kirishima actually hesitated for a moment, seeming like he was weighing his options. Either risk Katsuki’s wrath for being direct or forgo the topic and risk an awkward, mopey car ride home.

Katsuki knew Kirishima well, and he knew which conclusion he’d definitely come to.

“Well, you and Midoriya.” 

There was the impact, winding and crushing even though he saw it coming. Katsuki glared at the other, still sandwiched between himself and the car. The scowl was empty of ill intent though, and he couldn’t even think of anything smart to say to get him to drop the subject. Actually, he thought of a hundred things to say, but if he was being honest with himself…

He sighed and nodded towards the car door.

Kirishima immediately perked up and wasted no time getting into the passenger seat. Katsuki followed right after and leaned back silently, staring straight ahead. Kirishima watched him, waiting for him to speak, but it never came. So he spoke up first, “Man, you’ve been totally out of it all night. You’re good at hiding it, but I know there’s no way what happened didn’t bother you. To be honest, I was shocked when you suddenly suggested that he join your agency.”

There it was. It stung more when it was laid out in the open like that. Katsuki hadn’t imagined asking Izuku to join his agency. Kirishima was the first eyewitness, and he had just confirmed that he was indeed rejected (for the second time, thanks a lot Shitty Hair.)

Katsuki finally spoke up, “I didn’t mean to. I mean, I was gonna, but not like that. I was plannin’ to ask him properly, when we both had time. But I guess it just felt like I had to tell him, ya’know? So I did.” He scoffed despite himself and let his head lean against the window.

Kirishima nodded and listened until he was finished. “I get it, you just did what felt right. You didn’t do anything wrong, man.”

Katsuki turned his head to meet Kirishima’s eyes. Something in him stirred, begging to be set free. He swallowed it.

Kirishima made an effort to wipe away that sad look that seemed so out of place on the other's face. “It kinda seemed like maybe Midoriya didn’t understand what you meant though. If you talked to him about it some more… Tell him what it means to— for both of you.” 

Katsuki considered the idea, what working with Izuku meant to him. 

What it meant to be on an equal playing field once again, to compete and team up constantly, to spend their time side-by-side, to have the chance to be a better partner and friend, to be heroes together like they had dreamed once upon a time.

What it meant to be the first person to hear about his finished missions, to be the first to hear about moves he worked out with the new suit, to be the first he’d call for backup, to be the first to congratulate him when he made the top hero rankings, to be the first name mentioned after his in the news, to be the first, to be his first.

What it meant to get a chance to repair what he had broken, to make up for all that he missed and fucked up, to be partners, to be best friends, to be together. A second chance.

This time I would have held on and never let go.

It meant everything to him. He wasn’t sure how or when, but it had joined the place in his heart that was reserved for his greatest dreams. Despite that all, he knew what Kirishima suggested was impossible.

“I can’t do that.” Bakugou gripped the steering wheel and leaned forward to rest his chin on the top. “Ya’know, he’s the type to feel bad if he thinks he hurt you, even if it’s not his fault. Or even worse, he's the type to agree just to try and make someone else happy. I don’t wanna fuckin’ guilt trip him into partnering with me.” His forehead creased with a frown as he glared at the windshield. He spoke softer, “I don’t want his pity.” 

It was a little annoying how Kirishima at the other like he was a kicked puppy, full of pity. It only served to prove his point. “So that’s it? You’ll give up and toss away any hope of being his partner?”

Katsuki hung his head lower, letting his forehead rest against the steering wheel. “I can’t do anything about it. I wanted to give him the suit, because he deserves to be a hero. I realized I was able to give him a chance to follow his dream again, so I did. It’s really that simple. No matter what I want, the suit’s about him. I’d be an asshole to try and convince him what he should do with it. And besides, if anything’s been tossed away, it’s because I already threw it away a long time ago.”

Kirishima’s mouth opened and shut, searching for words but finding none. Katsuki didn’t need him to say anything anyway, he knew he was right. Deep down he probably even knew that this would be the outcome from the beginning. All that was left now was to swallow these feelings and move on. Doing pro hero work alone, being Izuku’s childhood friend, and enjoying what he already had. It should have been easy enough to settle for what was probably somehow more than what he deserved in the first place. 

Is this how you felt too?

It made him angry that the idea of putting aside what had somehow become his dream almost hurt his pride more than his actual feelings. Almost. It reminded him of something Mr. Aizawa said to him some years ago.

“You’ve been doing well in your training exercises, Bakugou. You’ve come a long way. I hope you do know that you make me a proud teacher.” Katsuki lifted his gaze from his hands just in time to catch the expression Aizawa made. "This sappy shit kills me," was written all over his face. He fought to withhold his amusement. 

“I still fuckin’ suck. You should be feelin’ bad that your student is washed up before he hit twenty.” Despite his words, Katsuki's tone had no bite.

The nurse beside him spoke up, “Your EKG looks great, Bakugou. You don’t need to be so cynical.”

“I ain’t cynical! Of course my EKG looks good!” Katsuki was already off the bed, putting his shirt back on and grabbing his bag. A moment later, with a quiet mumble, he added, “I only collapsed because of all the smoke, and it’s so damn humid, and that nerd's crazy idea…”

The nurse interrupted his unheard rambling. “Still, it’s hard to believe you’ll be graduating soon enough. I do hope you’ll continue coming to your appointments without the mandate—”

“Not a fuckin’ chance. Don’t get your hopes up.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and made for the door. Aizawa followed close behind him.

The nurse only chuckled. “Of course, I should figure as much. See you in a month, Bakugou.” 

Katsuki didn’t look back as he gave a half-hearted wave on his way out.

Aizawa shook his head in disbelief, but it didn’t hide the humored expression creeping over his features as he followed close beside him.

Once there was some space between them and the doctor’s office they had left, Katsuki spoke up, “Thanks anyway, Mr. Aizawa. For what you said.”

Aizawa raised an eyebrow curiously. “You’ve become much better at not getting everything you want.” His dry tone offered little clarity into what the words meant, but Katsuki thought he sounded almost impressed.

His student scoffed and shot him a grumpy look. “That sounds like a bad thing. I’m not giving up, if that’s what ya mean. Besides, Izuku and I will definitely win the next training exercise.”

Do you think I’ve given up? You couldn't think that, right? Next time we'll—

Aizawa simply shook his head. “Your attitude's as crappy as ever, Bakugou. You’ll never be #1 if you don’t learn some manners.” 

Katsuki simply continued down the hallway and boarded the elevator silently. It was strange how these days people said things that didn’t make any sense to him. Or rather, it was strange that he didn’t understand how he felt about the things others said.

“It’s not a bad thing," Aizawa said definitively, entering the hospital elevator beside Katsuki. "It just shows that there’s more you care about these days, besides just everything going your way all the time.”

He had, truthfully, taken a little offense to that at the time. He wasn’t a complacent person, never would be. Now he wondered if maybe what his teacher meant wasn’t that he had given up or gotten lazy. Maybe he had found it in himself to desire something out of reach. Maybe Mr. Aizawa had been watching Katsuki’s selfish and naive dreams shifting, changing, growing into something that he himself couldn’t see back then. Maybe yearning wasn’t meant to hurt your pride, but to grow your heart. Maybe when you had enough fantasies that coincided and yet conflicted and tugged at each other, then you would become okay with the fact that they can’t all coexist.

He wished he could go back to being young. When the idea of not chasing every aspiration until it was within his grasp was unthinkable. He missed his delusions of grandeur and the vision they had created of his future. Katsuki hadn't noticed when his self-conjured illusion of the future had become a life he was living instead of dreaming of. He missed when it felt like the future was wind at his back propelling him forward rather than being the mud beneath his feet, slowing his every step.

He finally lifted his head from the steering wheel and turned his key in the ignition to start up the car. “Let’s go, it’s getting late.” 

Kirishima’s shoulders sagged a little, but he nodded. “I still think you should talk to him though, man. Even if you’re right, he doesn’t know how you feel… about him. Even if he’s not gonna be part of your agency, he should know.”

Bakugou shot him a quick glare as he took the car out of park. Kirishima knew better than to push his friend any further than he already had for one night, and so that was the end of that.

Katsuki had a lot on his mind while he made the rest of the quiet drive home after dropping off Kirishima. His friend was, admittedly, pretty good at reading the room, so he had changed the subject and kept up some light-hearted chatter in the car until he left (even if it had just been in an effort to cheer him up.)

Now that he was alone it felt like his endless thoughts were reverberating off his skull, spinning and twisting into something completely unfamiliar. He wanted nothing more than to get the fuck home and sleep this shitty day off.

He turned the music volume way up on the speaker until it was loud enough to drown out the nagging voice in his head. It worked at first.

He hummed to the song, gaze locked on the road as the bass thrummed inside of his chest. He focused on the way it felt and tapped his fingers against steering wheel along with the beat. 

I should’ve asked you the right way.

Pitter.

I’m sorry, I feel like I screwed up again.

Patter.

If I tell you how I feel, will I have to give up more? Is Kirishima right? Do you deserve to know? Do you want to know?

Are you happy where you are now?

Pitter-patter.

If I told you this stung, would you care because I’m me or because you’re you? Have your wishes changed too? Would you tell me if I asked? Have I grown up to be the person you thought I’d be? Can you tell me to let this go?

Hey, if I let this go, can we still be friends?

Pitter-patter.

There was a sudden silence when he shut off the car. It wasn’t until he sat there for a moment that he realized his heart was actually the cause of the thrumming inside his chest. He also realized he had no idea when it had started raining. Water rolled persistently over the windshield in beads, shimmering and reflecting the nearby street light. Katsuki made a mental note to not use the radio to drown out his thoughts anymore.

He decided to ignore the irony of the stupid rain piling onto his already shitty mood and to just take his stupid shit inside and put his stupid shitty ass to bed. Katsuki ducked as quickly as he could onto the small porch of his apartment. He made to unlock his door and get inside, but the dripping near the porch step caught his attention. The rain dropped from the roof dangerously near his potted hyacinths’ already wet soil. His shoulders slumped as he paused to crouch down and slide the purple flowers closer to his front door where they'd be safe from the rain. He muttered under his breath, “Damn pain in my ass.” 

The flowers were a gift he had received from his neighbor that lived in the nextdoor row-house apartment. He glanced at the connected porch, separated by a railing, to see all the lights off.

She was an older woman he had known since he moved in a few years back. He had avoided her the best he could for a while, but she was the nosy and pushy type. She liked to ask him where he was going, when he ate last, when he’d get home, and a bunch of other useless questions. Before he knew it the woman was bringing him cookies and leftovers, introducing him to her grandkids, and knitting him scarves for the winter. The latter had admittedly made him lose his temper, but for some reason she wasn't easily offended and, despite him constantly refusing, forced the gifts on him nonetheless. 

The same had happened with these damn purple hyacinths (that had a really sweet scent and looked so pretty when they bloomed.) He had insisted that he absolutely did not want a plant and certainly wouldn’t care for it. Then the next day the pot was on his porch with little sprouting bulbs. Of course, she had lectured him on some story about plants connecting to their souls and how reading them was like reading your own heart. Her own porch was cluttered with a variety of them that she always put tons of effort into caring for and referred to as if they were people. Katsuki chalked it up as the old woman just being a little off her rocker. Naturally, he ignored the flowers and went about his life, but after about a week he realized she had actually been watering them for him.

For some reason it kinda pissed him off to let her totally care for the damn things while they grew on his porch. So he made an effort to water them, but it turned out to be harder than he thought. He forgot about the blossoming flowers way more often than he’d like to admit. In the end, Katsuki ended up helping out the elderly woman with some things, like taking out the trash and shoveling her walkway. In return, she helped him care for the flowers. That way it at least pissed him off a little less that some old lady had to do something for him just because he couldn’t be bothered to remember. Katsuki had learned over time that it was pretty easy to overwater the hyacinths though, so the least he could do was make sure they didn’t get drowned in the rain after all that trouble. 

He was already getting inside and kicking off his shoes in the narrow hallway, deciding he’d go next door and help her tomorrow since it seemed she already turned in for the night—.

Ah, shit.

He dragged his hand over his face with a groan as he quickly threw on a hoodie from his coat rack and some boots. Katsuki tapped his phone to check the time:

9:02 P.M.

“For fuck’s sake.” He was already back out in the rain, walking turning to a light jog as water droplets bounced off his umbrella.

The bright light from the sign above the convenience store reflected millions of sparkles on the rainy sidewalk. He pushed inside the shop that was flooded by LED lights and colorful merchandise, sighing when he saw Hoshiko pop her head up from behind the register. 

“Dynamight!” Her eyes sparkled with relief as she hopped over the counter to greet him.

“I thought I would've missed you , Star-Eyes. What're ya still doin’ here?” He set his umbrella by the door and approached counter beside her. The girl, who had literal stars in her silvery eyes, grinned sheepishly at the hero. 

“I was trying to leave! But then this- stupid- register-” She demonstrated by reaching across the counter to tug at the drawer which didn't budge.

Katsuki sighed and ran his hand over his face again. “You're actually totally hopeless, do ya know that?” 

She shot him a glare before waving him to follow her behind the counter. “Yeah, yeah, gimme a break. Just help me, please?”

Katsuki had met the younger girl a while ago. This convenience store just a couple blocks away from his apartment had become his sort of usual haunt when he needed late night snacks, drinks, the occasional first aid, and whatever else. Until recently there was always a gentleman who worked the shop in the evenings, but apparently he had some sort of incident and had to quit working long night shifts. After that, Hoshiko started working and closing the shop on a few days a week. 

Katsuki wasn’t one to make small talk, so he didn't care or chat with Star-Eyes when he saw her working. She seemed pretty shy herself too, meaning there was never any conversation to be had.

It stayed that way until one night around a month ago when he had hurried to the shop to grab something before they closed up. He noticed some guys outside hanging around that had “fishy” written all over them, faces obscured and heads ducked in the shadows just far away enough from the shop that they couldn't be seen from inside. He'd decided to buy what he needed and stick around just to see if those guys were actually up to anything. He tucked himself between a couple buildings across the street and watched quietly. Sure enough, when Star-Eyes was locking up the store the men emerged from the shadows and cornered her. 

He waited for a moment, but when he saw Hoshiko, timid and quivering in fear, he jumped into action. It hadn't really taken much. Star-Eyes watched him in awe as he grabbed one of their shoulders, little sparks popping off his hands. The other two mens’ faces twisted in fear and recognition. Everything else happened in an instant. A twisted arm, a tripped leg, an elbow to the chest, and all three low lives were apprehended. He had made sure to tell them they were a waste of his damn time before calling someone to come get their asses. According to Hoshiko, they said they were gonna rob the place. 

When he stopped to check on her afterwards, he gave her a stern lecture about not closing up the shop alone if she couldn't handle herself and that he wished she would've at least tried to call for help or something. Star-Eyes only listened with a teary face before apologizing and thanking him. Katsuki made sure to point out that she got lucky he had been around by chance, and if he hadn't nobody would've known she was in any trouble. That had only made her cry more as she admitted that she was terrified of closing up alone every night, but it was the only shift she could work outside of school. That had actually made him feel a little bad for being so hard on her, but what she said after was way worse. 

“I admire you a lot, Dynamight. I've seen you on the news and stuff of course, but then I see you come around the shop at night. I can tell you're tired, but you keep working hard. You always seem so fearless, like nothing could ever stop you. I feel so awful that you have such an important job, and that I wasted the hero Dynamight's time.”

He was, firstly, shocked that she had any idea who he was, because she had never said a word to him, even when he came into the shop in his hero costume right after work. He, secondly, felt pretty fucking bad for lecturing her when she was clearly already beating herself up. Though he still stood by what he said.

He had let her go after that, but the following day he couldn't help but feel like he needed to go back. It was surprising, even to himself, but something told him to just go and not overthink for once. So he went and stuck around in the shop while she closed up the next day.

This time they did make small talk. Star-Eyes told him about school and Katsuki told her about his hero work. Somehow, it became a sort of routine without either of them acknowledging it. On the days she closed he would go to make sure everything went smoothly, ensuring she made it to the subway entrance a few buildings away after locking up. During that time they had a lot more chances to talk, and he got to know Hoshiko kinda well. As the weeks went on she became less reserved and more talkative. 

For some reason Katsuki didn’t really mind it. Even though he didn’t particularly want to stand around a convenience store while some college kid closed up, he couldn’t find it in himself to stop showing up for her either. Especially when it sorta felt like he was helping her, like the next time she was in trouble she’d fight for herself instead of rolling over and dying. (Seriously, who does that?)

Especially when she reminded me of you when she got excited and chatted my ear off. When she looked determined and had sparks in her eyes. When she thanked me profusely every night without fail.

He would never admit it aloud, but he supposed somewhere along the way he made a friend that he just didn’t mind helping.

So Katsuki groaned but followed her behind the counter. “What’s the issue with it?” He tugged at the register drawer but to no avail. “It’s a little late to be countin' the cash too, were ya gonna stay here all night?” 

She shook her head quickly and folded her arms. “I already counted the drawer,” her shoulders slumped, “but the door key is in there.”

“For fuck’s sake, tell the boss to get a new damn register.” He tried to unjam the drawer by wiggling a little.

“I already said something, but he’s so forgetful, you know?” 

“Ya gotta speak the hell up in this world, Star-Eyes. You’ll never get what you want by waiting around.” He tried to use plain strength to get it open, making the metal creak as he pulled. 

She watched him with a silent pout. “Say, that reminds me, you went out with your friend tonight, right? Did you invite him to the great hero Dynamight’s agency?”

He paused his ministrations to glance at her confusedly. “Huh, how’d ya know about that? I didn’t tell you I was gonna ask him.” His brow furrowed in consideration. He was certain the only person who knew he was planning on asking was Kirishima. His stomach sank as he began to imagine the news headline she must have seen: ‘Hero Deku Rejects Joining Childhood Friend, BlahBlahMurdererBlah Dynamight’s Agency; Figures Since He’s an Asshole.’

Hoshiko propped her arms on her waist like she was proud of herself. “You didn’t exactly, but I don’t think you realize how much you ramble when you’re bored, Dynamight. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.” And yeah, that made way more sense than the shitty headline. Though something in her tone felt like she wasn't telling the entire truth either, but he decided to ignore it. 

She continued when Katsuki stayed silent, “But uh, based on your expression, it didn’t go well?”

Katsuki rolled his eyes as he was reminded that he was supposed to be in bed forgetting about all this bullshit. He motioned with his arm, nudging her with his elbow. “Watch out for a sec.” 

“Wait, you can’t blow it up!” She moved back anyway with wide eyes.

“M'not gonna.” He huffed as he positioned his hand at the edge of the drawer, pushing into the space where it was partially opened. A couple quiet sparks, before one loud POP as the drawer flew out of the register and crashed on the ground. 

“Oh my God, you totally blew it up.” Amusement laced her voice beneath the disbelief. 

He leaned down and held up the door key with a coy smirk, “You’re welcome.” 

She rolled her eyes but grinned as she put the drawer back inside the register without too much trouble. “So?”

“He said no.” He shrugged as nonchalantly as he could muster.

“Oh, sorry Dynamight… But I’m sure he must’ve had a good reason.” She took the key and started to turn the lights off in the store and make sure everything was set. 

Truthfully, Katsuki didn’t think Izuku really needed a good reason to say no. A good reason to say yes on the other hand? Maybe. “I dunno, it just is what it is. I didn’t really ask.”

She hummed. “You are kinda like that.”

“Like what?”

“The type to leave someone where they lie. But you know, maybe there’s more he wants to say to you. You went through all the trouble just to help him be a hero, right? You must have more you want to tell him.”

He mentally kicked himself for telling Star-Eyes so much without realizing it. “Maybe or maybe not. I don’t really see the point.” He picked up his umbrella from beside the door and waited for her to join him. 

She frowned as she peered out the door. “Man, I didn’t realize it was gonna rain until I was already at work. I knew I was gonna get stuck in this with no umbrella or coat…”

“Did ya? The weather was fine earlier.” 

“Yeah, but when I took my break there was that rain smell outside, you know? Petrichor.” She wrinkled her nose to make a point.

“Oh yeah, I guess I do know what you mean. I hadn’t realized.” They both stepped outside and stood under the small entrance roof while Hoshiko locked the door.

“You gave me some good advice about speaking up for myself, Dynamight…” She stayed facing the door after she finished locking it, eyes turned downward. “You made me realize that I’m not just the way I am, but the way I make myself. Seeing you being so good at what you do, made me think I could be good too.” She turned to meet Katsuki’s eyes with stars. “I bet he thinks you’re good too, like I do."

She paused for a second, letting her words linger in the sound of dripping rain, before adding as if to finalize her point, "If you showed everyone the side of you I got to meet, you’d be the world’s number one hero. I’m sure of it.” 

Katsuki scoffed and turned his face away, hoping it hid how her words made his mind spin. “You think I’m not capable of being number one?” His words lacked any malice despite his gruffness. In the same moment he was shoving his umbrella into Hoshiko’s hands. 

She simply shook her head and smiled. Seeming to know better than argue about the umbrella, she offered a quick, “Thank you.”

Star-Eyes took a step out from beneath the overhead covering. Her gaze turned back towards him, and she elbowed his ribs gently. “What I’m trying to say is, ‘You’re my hero, Dynamight.’ You’ve made me feel like I can follow my heart. So I hope that you’ll give yourself some grace when you follow yours.”

She laughed a little out of embarrassment but continued, “You’ll never get what you want by waiting around, Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight.” She gave the hero a brave thumbs up that he was sure was meant to be encouraging. 

Katsuki stared at a loss for words.

She waved bashfully,  “See you around!” 

He could only watch silently as she hurried down the sidewalk and made it into the subway station entrance.

Pitter-patter.

It was totally quiet on the city street except for the continuing downpour. Katsuki pulled his hood over his head to give him some protection from the rain but stood stuck in place at the entrance to the convenience store.

His heart felt like it was swimming in his chest, threatening to overflow into his throat. He looked to the sky where the stars should be if not for the clouds.

“All Might was my hero sure, but you were the one who was actually in my life.” 

Katsuki wondered, if he was able to see the sky, would he see any shooting stars?

“Why aren’t you pushing higher, Kacchan? I know better than anyone that you could. Are you…?” 

When Izuku asked that, Katsuki yelled at the other for saying he was giving up. The immediate regret was written all over Izuku's face. Katsuki stormed out of the cafe they were in, leaving the other behind. The truth is, Katsuki already knew then what he'd never tell Izuku. He wasn’t upset because of what Izuku said, but because he couldn’t see Katsuki's intentions. When Izuku looked at Katsuki, he couldn’t see him.

Katsuki wondered, if he made a wish on that shooting star, would it come true?

I wish you could see me. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you’d tell me everything in your heart and you’d hear me when I told you everything in mine. I wish I was capable of saying what I want to say. I wish we were heroes together. I wish I was number one. I wish you were number one. I wish we were still trying to catch up to one another. I wish we were kids again. I wish we were childhood friends again. I wish you were thinking of me too. I wish you were here. I wish I was there. I wish I was better. I wish I was good enough. I wish I had it all. I wish I had you.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

Katsuki closed his eyes and imagined a shooting star ripping across the sky, casting light on the dark street.

I wish I was special to you, Izuku.

When he opened his eyes the world was dark again. Katsuki ducked his head down as he made his way back home in the rain.

Despite keeping up a quick pace, Katsuki was soaked to the bone by the time he neared his apartment. He stayed tucked in on himself as he walked, trying to only think about putting on warm dry clothes once he got home. When he rounded the corner and arrived at the front of the line of row houses he lived in, he finally lifted his gaze that had stayed glued solely to the sidewalk. Katsuki stopped dead in his tracks. 

A couple doors down from where he stood he saw a familiar head of green hair with his back to Katsuki. He pushed the hood back off of his head to get a better look. There was no way it could be him, right? He hesitated for a moment but seeing the familiar backpack strapped to the other's back left no room for doubt.

Katsuki called out with uncertainty, “Izuku?” 

The person ahead of him paused and turned back, keen forest eyes meeting dangerous fiery ones. “Kacchan?”

Katsuki’s stomach sank at the sight of Izuku's sparkling gaze approaching him in front of his house. It had been hours since they left the restaurant at this point, and the other's house was practically in the opposite direction of his.

Izuku stopped a few steps in front of him.

“What're ya doin’ here?” was all Katsuki could think to say.

“Um well, you know.” Izuku glanced around, avoiding eye contact. He looked about as soaked as Katsuki felt. There was something like disappointment laced in his expression too.

“No, I don’t know. Were ya comin’ to—” He gestured to his front door but was cut off abruptly.

“No!— I mean, no, I was just passing by.” He glanced at Katsuki and then down at the ground, gripping his fists at his sides.

“What, why?” Katsuki stared at him. It made no sense for Izuku to be "passing by." The nerd was being weird and obviously lying. Hope swelled in Katsuki’s chest. He hated it.

“It was on my way? Why are you interrogating me?”

Katsuki was pretty sure he busted a blood vessel from the way his temper flew from one to ten, making his face contort in anger. Izuku would probably always have that effect on him until the day he was six feet under. “What the fuck? I’m just asking where you're goin’. Do you want to fuckin’ fight?”

Izuku’s hands flew up defensively. “No, no. I— I was just going home, Kacchan.” His shoulders slumped defeatedly. 

Katsuki eyed him up and down impatiently as the hope inside him flickered out and was replaced with a sick twist in his stomach. “Alright, fuck. Let me get my keys, I’ll take you home. ”

The other shook his head quickly. “No, that’s okay I’ll walk.”

“What? Why would ya do that? C’mon, Izuku—” There was no way Izuku didn't catch the exasperation in his voice.

“It’s fine, really!”

“Fine. Then just come inside and wait for it to slow down a little, I’ll get you a coat and—”

“I’m just gonna go, Kacchan.”

They stared at each other silently. Katsuki sorta wanted to puke, or rip out his insides, or anything to get rid of this gnawing feeling in his gut. The way Izuku was staring at him was rubbing salt in his wounds, and he honestly wasn’t in the fucking mood. Fuck talking feelings.

“Okay fine, do whatever you want then. See ya.” He knew his tone was laced with contempt, and he meant it. Maybe tomorrow he’d regret it (it wouldn’t be the first time,) but right now he just wanted to be alone again. He turned on his heel to head back inside his home for the night.

Pitter-patter.

A tight grip on Katsuki’s wrist stopped him. He turned his head just enough to see Izuku, who was holding onto him with both hands.

Big green eyes shimmered like crystals in the porchlight. “Wait, please. I don’t know why I said that, I just— I was— I didn’t mean it.”

Katsuki, still steaming, just shrugged at the other. “Whatever. Go home, Izuku.” He turned his head away, angry but figuring that by the time he made it to his front door he’d be willing to take Izuku home again.

“I went to see Uraraka. After dinner, I mean.” 

Katsuki’s heart pounded at the inside of his chest, threatening to break his ribs and spew out everything he held inside all over the stone pathway beneath him. He could imagine what it would look like when his heart was nothing but carnage at his childhood friend’s feet. The horrified look on Izuku’s face as he tried to put Katsuki's heart back in his chest. It would be too late.

“What, at my fucking house?” His words were imbued with venom, because what the fuck was he supposed to say to that? Why did Izuku feel the need to lay that fact on him?

Yet the other's bright eyes never faltered from the impatient glare narrowed at them. “You’re mad,” Izuku said like a small revelation. Katsuki couldn’t help but feel like that was what he wanted all along.

“I’m trying not to be,” he said, softer than he was speaking before, because he didn’t want to be angry. Not because Izuku said no, not because Izuku was here, and not even because Izuku was with Round Face even though it was an unneeded piece of information that stung like a bitch.

Maybe Izuku wanted to see the carnage of Katsuki’s heart. Maybe if all of Katsuki's feelings inside ripped through his bones and flesh, Izuku would finally get a good look at them. Maybe Izuku wouldn’t shove Kastuki’s heart back inside chest to be only his again. Or maybe Izuku had finally caught on. Maybe he wanted to deliver the final blow, and then he’d leave Katsuki there in the porchlight alone.

Izuku’s gaze softened a little. 

After a moment Katsuki added, “You’re making it fuckin’ difficult though. I swear you’re trying to piss me off.”

Izuku shook his head quickly. “No, I didn’t mean to.” He spoke a little sadly, “I did come to see you, but then I thought maybe it was better if I didn’t. I already turned around and was leaving when you saw me…” He let go of Katsuki’s wrist and hung his head. “But I just couldn’t shake this feeling.”

Purple flowers dancing beneath the dim warm porchlight by the door caught his eyes. Katsuki sighed and turned to fully face him again, back illuminated and casting a shadow over Izuku. “What do ya want?”

Green hair stuck to Izuku's face as water droplets rolled down his cheeks. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said to me. It was driving me crazy. There was a time when I felt like I always understood you, Kacchan. One look, one word, and I’d know exactly what you were thinking. Today, I realized you’ve gotten quiet. Sometimes you seem like you haven’t said everything you want to or like you’re totally lost in your own thoughts. In those moments I have no idea what you’re thinking. When you look at me like— like you do, I can’t tell what you want from me. You didn’t smile once tonight even though I thought maybe you’d be happy. You should be happy, Kacchan. So… why do you look so sad?”

Pitter-patter.

The two stared into each other’s eyes while the rain only seemed to come down harder. They were silent, but it wasn’t quiet. Katsuki’s jaw stayed clenched shut. He scrambled to collect his thoughts he left scattered here and there. None seemed like the right thing to say. Not when Izuku was looking at him so pleadingly, so earnestly, the way he always has. Not when he was certain there was nothing to say that he wouldn’t regret. So he settled for the next best thing.

“Why did you say no?”

Izuku blinked as his expression morphed from determination to confusion and then to dread. “You mean, about joining your agency?”

Katsuki simply nodded. He wasn’t going to take the risk of opening his mouth a second time.

“Oh.” Izuku’s eyes averted to his hands as he clasped them together in front of himself. “I just can’t, Kacchan. You’re going to find someone great to take under your wing anyway. You don’t need me.”

His instinct betrayed his better judgement when he quickly rebutted, “You can’t or you won’t?” How could Izuku not see that he wasn’t looking for someone to take under his wing? He wanted a partner, his partner, to fight by his side.

“I can’t, Kacchan.”

“That’s not a good enough answer for me.” He’d already gone too far. He fucked up when he let Izuku know that it was something still bothering him. He might as well find out how Izuku truly felt while he threw everything he was trying to build, the rubble he was still so desperate to fix, in the gutter.

He wasn’t expecting the hurt that glazed over Izuku’s eyes when he raised his head to meet Katsuki's gaze again. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, searching for the right words. Izuku’s hand lifted and twisted into the shirt fabric at his chest as his lip quivered. “It’s just— it’s not that easy, Kacchan. And it’s not because I’m not flattered, I am, but I can’t do it. It’s because you’re you and I’m me. I can’t be— this for you, whatever it is that you’re looking for. I can’t do it for you, and I wouldn’t be doing it for me.”

With such a simple explanation, Katsuki was wishing he hadn’t asked. Not knowing hurt way less than knowing it was because of him that Izuku had said no. He’d considered it, figured it was true even, but he had hoped it wasn’t.

“You don’t want to, because of me,” he said definitively.

Izuku’s grip tightened at his chest, his expression full of desperation, searching to be understood. “I can’t because I— I can’t be your crutch, Kacchan. I always watched you when we were kids, looked up to how amazing you were. You saw a glimmer of us side-by-side being amazing together, but I’ve kept watching you for years. You, who should be aiming for number one, became a hero while I didn’t. Yet you didn’t keep chasing your dream. I know you worked so hard for this, my suit and everything else, but I can’t push you to number one, even if I am a hero again. You gotta do it on your own accord. We can’t chase it together, Kacchan, even if I wanted to. You gotta chase it on your own.”

Everything Katsuki was holding back began to overflow. They weren’t feelings just from tonight, but ones he’d collected for years and years brimming in every fiber of his being. They threatened to rip him apart all his life, and now they finally were going to do just that. The dam containing his heart was held together piece by piece with glue, and Izuku was the acetone held inside dissolving any boundaries he had left.

“You think you’re my crutch? That I’d use you to push myself ahead?” Katsuki’s voice cracked as he spoke louder. “You’re the fuckin’ shackles at my feet, Izuku. You always have been. You’re the wall in the middle of my path, the door that closes in my face, the gate too tall to climb, the unfinished bridge, the broken ladder, the cliff’s edge. You’re no fuckin’ crutch, you’re the fucking thorn in my side.” 

Izuku’s eyes widened, and finally the tears swimming in his eyes spilled over, mixing with the rain on his cheeks. They dropped like stars falling from the sky, and Katsuki wanted to make a wish on every one. 

“I know, I know that. That’s why I can’t. I don’t want to be the reason you’re not happy, and I can’t stand the idea of being the reason you’re sad. I’m afraid that I can't do it even if I try. I’m afraid of the change and the expectation. I’m afraid, because the last time we were heroes together you died. I’m afraid, because I’m the match and you’re the kerosene. I’m afraid, because the beginning of us could be the end of us. I’m afraid, because I worked hard to be where I am and— and I’d throw it away to be with you. That terrifies me. I’m afraid, because I already mourned this dream, and I don’t want to mourn it again. I don’t want you to hate me for it, for being afraid and for running. I don’t want you to hate me for ruining your dream, but eventually you’ll realize that I did and you will. You’ll hate me, and then what will I have, besides the ashes of our destruction?”

Izuku let out a half gasp, half sob, shoulders shaking with quiet tears. He hunched over as he bowed his head before continuing. “And I’m sorry, Kacchan, for holding you back this much already. I’m sorry for the shackles that tie us together, for the destruction that follows me, for being afraid, for saying no, for running, for coming back. I’m sorry I already stopped you from being happy a long time ago, that I stopped you from reaching your dream. I’m sorry for all of it.”

Katsuki could only watch as the other finally ungripped his shirt and cupped his mouth to hold back his sobs. He had done exactly what he feared, reduced Izuku to guilt and tears even though it wasn’t in the way he expected. It was still no surprise anyway. It was what Katsuki had always been best at after all. He’d probably keep making Izuku cry until the day he was 6 feet under. It didn’t make Katsuki feel any less bad though. So he reached out with a sliver of hope that he could still put a smile on his best friend’s face, or at least help him not be so sad. Katsuki was afraid and embarrassed and didn’t know what exactly to say, but he knew he had to say something. He had to say something, because he was the only one who knew exactly how Izuku felt at that moment, how it felt to be full of fear and guilt and despairing dreams.

Katsuki’s hand pulled Izuku’s away from his face carefully, simply holding it between them.

Izuku lifted his head to look at the other through his tears.

He spoke softly, almost inaudible amid the never-ending rain. “What will it take for you to see me, Izuku? How much longer do I have to go until the picture is clear? When will you open your eyes and realize that I’ve never stopped chasing. When will your heart read mine? How can I show you that I’ve never stopped doing things exactly the way I wanted to?” 

Katsuki blinked the rain out of his eyes and ignored the pained expression on Izuku’s face as he continued, “Can ya feel it?” He moved Izuku’s hand to his chest where he could surely feel Katsuki's heart threatening to burst. “I didn’t live, Izuku, I’m living. I'm living exactly the way I want to. You taught me a while ago what that means. Do ya still remember? You think you held me back, but you’re my shackles because I closed the cuff. I took the road with the wall, I waited for you to shut the door in my face, I locked the gate and threw away the key.” He spoke faster, desperately trying to get Izuku to understand, just this once. “I followed the river, I scaled the building, I climbed the mountain to the fucking cliff. I’ve waited, because I thought you of all people would understand that I never gave up. Me asking you to be by my side, it was never a last attempt at an old dream.”

Izuku tightened his hand around the other’s hoodie while he searched Katsuki’s face with an unreadable expression. “If that’s true, then why? What are you doing, Kacchan?” 

Katsuki took a deep breath, searching the wreckage of his heart for some more courage. Not the type of courage he had on the battlefield either, he had more than enough of that. He searched for the courage to say how he felt and to mean it. He was following and chasing Izuku, but never had the courage to open the door, to unlock the gate, to finish the bridge. If he could just find it in himself, maybe he could do what everyone was trying to tell him to. To finally say what he really meant, because yes, he wanted Izuku at his agency, but he didn't want him there just because he wanted him there. He wanted him at the agency, because he wanted to show Izuku that he was the most important person to him. He wanted to give him special treatment. He wanted it, because Izuku was the person who was special to him.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to be number one, I did. I still do.” His voice wavered with all the things he never wanted to admit aloud. The rain seemed to endlessly flow down his cheeks, trying to convince him to give it up now while he still could. His hair, shirt, and pants clung to him, threatening to drag him into submission. They threatened to drown the kerosene in his heart that oh so longed for the fire in Izuku’s.

He continued as his vision blurred, “But there were other things I wanted too. There are so many other things I want. I thought you’d figure it out on your own, and maybe I was wrong for that, but I was afraid to admit it. I think I have to tell you now though, that being the number one hero isn’t the most important thing to me anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

Izuku’s eyes still brimmed with tears as he used his free hand to reach up and wipe at Katsuki’s cheek with his sleeve. It did nothing but spread water along his face as more rain dripped from his hair, forehead, and eyes. Still he looked at Katsuki seriously as he spoke, “But it was your dream.”

Katsuki simply shook his head and used his free hand to lower Izuku’s from his face. “I have a lot of dreams, actually. The thing is, I can’t follow ‘em all at once. Some of 'em could never even be true at the same time, isn’t that strange? So I’ve had to let some of ‘em just stay dreams while I chase what's most important to me. There’s one dream that’s more special to me than any of the others. I don’t know when it happened, but I’m also way past the point of caring. Ya get it, right?”

Katsuki was holding both of Izuku’s hands in front of his chest. Round green eyes only stared at him with some mixture of awe and surprise. Katsuki waited a moment for a response until Izuku just shook his head. Despite himself, Katsuki chuckled softly, letting a smile fall across his expression. If Izuku could have looked any more bewildered he would have, but suddenly he was being tugged forward.

With one hand still intertwined with Izuku’s, Katsuki pulled him closer and used his other hand to hold his back. Their wet clothes stuck together between them as they hugged, and Izuku’s cheek felt cold against Katsuki’s nape. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he held Izuku there, because he wouldn’t have been able to say what he wanted to his face. Katsuki squeezed him a little tighter and whispered, “It’s you. Izuku, you’re my dream. I wanted to chase you.”

Luckily Izuku heard him over the rain, because Katsuki wasn't sure if he could have managed to speak it any louder, let alone been able to repeat himself.

More tears spilled over freckled cheeks as Izuku hugged him back with one free arm. “Kacchan…”

Pitter-patter.

After several long moments that didn’t feel long enough, Katsuki let go of his grip on Izuku. His fingers finally unknotted from where they had stayed interlaced with Izuku's at their side, holding on so tightly to what little was left to ground him.

Izuku moved both his hands to the other’s shoulders and pushed him back so he could look at him. Katsuki could have almost laughed at the irony of how Izuku said he didn’t know what the other was thinking, but in this moment he was sure it applied more to himself than the other. Izuku's eyes still sparkled with wetness, but his expression was completely unreadable, serious yet gentle and thoughtful.

Katsuki didn’t know what to expect from his sudden confession. He hadn’t thought this far ahead, but at least Izuku didn’t look as sad anymore. There was a nagging voice in his brain telling him there was still some more to say, but he just couldn’t. He had pushed his luck far enough. For tonight, if he could make Izuku smile again, that was going to be enough. It had to be enough.

Despite all of that, there was still a glimmer of hope lying around in all this carnage somewhere. Hope that maybe Izuku could see him plainly now, even what Katsuki hadn’t explicitly said or showed to him. Hope that this last unrevealed, self-destructive dream might be requited.

“I— I wish I had realized sooner…” Izuku began with a gentle voice, but it was offset by the threateningly tight grip on the other’s shoulders. 

Katsuki’s gut swam with shame and nervousness for the umpteenth time that night.

“I wish I had,” he continued, “because I’ve wondered and wondered for so long. I wish I was brave enough to say how I felt like you are, because then maybe I wouldn’t have waited all these years to tell you my dream too.”

Katsuki was combating the fear and nerves that practically rattled his body while Izuku spoke so seriously and full of emotion. He might’ve tried to retreat had Izuku not been holding onto him like his life depended on it.

“I can’t join your agency, Kacchan, not now. It’d be a promise that I’m not sure I can keep. But I can promise to think about it some more if you give me time. In the meanwhile, I still want to do hero work with you when we can. I also want you to come by the school to help more often when I’m teaching. Is that okay?”

Katsuki’s friend was nothing if not whole-heartedly earnest. Conviction was etched in green eyes that were deep and dark like an emerald cavern, threatening to swallow him whole. Katsuki felt like if he spoke his voice would shake, so he could only nod his head "yes" in response.

“Okay, good,” Izuku began again, “because I want to keep being by your side. I want to keep being friends, Kacchan. Is that okay?”

Katsuki swallowed and nodded again. He wanted that too. He was okay if he could have that much.

“And, I’m still nervous, but I think what you said gave me enough courage to admit this much. The thing is, I didn’t get to say that I came here because I was thinking about what you said, not about the agency, but about someone being special to me. I racked my brain for what that might mean. It’s stupid, I know, but I think I knew you were right about giving everyone special treatment. I thought really hard about what it meant, and I realized I do care about everyone. I care about my students, the people I save, and my friends. That’s why I went to see Uraraka, who I haven’t talked to in a while, because I thought maybe it had something to do with being a better friend. But me and Uraraka are friends the same as we’ve always been.”

“Izuku—” Katsuki tried to stop the other from rambling, but Izuku shook his head quickly, fingers digging into his shoulders. Katsuki swore he could see the other’s arms shaking.

“I already knew that though,” he interrupted, “that nothing would really change if I talked to her. She did give me some good advice though. It reminded me that I have a lot of dreams too, Kacchan. I’ve set some aside because I had to and others because I thought I should. There is somebody who I want to give special treatment to. They’re different from everyone else to me. They’re special to me.” 

Pitter-patter.

Izuku took a step closer to the other who was struggling to fill his lungs with enough oxygen. They weren’t far apart before, and now there were only a couple inches separating them. Katsuki recognized the all-too-familiar spark burning in the other’s forest eyes. The spark that threatened to light the fuse inside of Katsuki the way only Izuku could. The spark that always left chaos and destruction in its wake.

“I’m gonna be brave and follow my dream like Kacchan.” Izuku’s voice got softer as he leaned in closer to Katsuki, gaze flickering to his lips and back up to his eyes. “It’s you too, by the way. My dream, that is.” 

He stayed there, so close that Katsuki could feel his breath. He never let go either, clinging like it was possible for Katsuki to slip through his fingers. As if he ever would.

“Is this okay?” Izuku whispered so gently. His eyes searched red ones for a sign, any sign.

Katsuki stared at Izuku, soaked to the bone, hair dripping starlight onto his face. His heart hammered against his chest, making him question up from down and wrong from right. 

Do I really deserve your special treatment, Izuku?

Katsuki leaned closer. “It’s okay.” His lips nearly brushed Izuku’s as he whispered it back to him like a promise.

The other seemed to plan on making it an oath. Katsuki barely got the words out before Izuku closed the distance between them. They were both cold and wet where they molded together. Water dripped from the tip of Katsuki’s nose to where their lips met.

Pitter-patter.

Katsuki couldn't say for sure that his heart, in that moment, didn't actually burst through his scarred lungs, ribs and flesh. He willed his head to stop spinning and his heart to keep the oxygen pumping through his body, all just so he could take in the feeling of Izuku. He’d be lying if he said the way Izuku was gripping his shoulders for life didn’t hurt, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Instead he returned the kiss with fervor, certain he’d remember every detail of the feeling of Izuku’s lips on his. 

Running out of breath with water dripping over his nose and onto their lips sorta made it feel like he was drowning. In that moment Katsuki found that he was okay with drowning, because for the first time in so long he wasn’t wishing or dreaming of something else. He was only here, taking in every second.

It was Izuku who saved him from letting himself drown when he pulled back to search Katsuki’s face, all flushed with glassy eyes. Katsuki figured he must’ve looked the same. The loss of contact made him shiver from being wet in the cold night air.

As a few quiet seconds passed Izuku seemed to clear from the haze of the kiss, and his eyes widened with mortification. “Kacchan I— I don't know what I was thinking— I shouldn't have done that— You were telling me your dream and I suddenly realized I wanted to tell you I have the same dream— But I don't know if it's the same— But you were giving me that look, and I thought maybe if I could just—”

Katsuki grabbed the front of Izuku's collar and crashed their lips together again, effectively shutting him up. He had dreamed and dreamed and dreamed of this moment with his friend, his rival, his partner, his soul-crushing, life-ending other half. He wondered if behind the dark clouds overcasting above there were a million sparkles slinging across the sky in a meteor shower, if the planets were aligning as parallel universes overlapped each other to bring the two of them together in this moment.

The rain only became louder and heavier, like the sky was waging war with fate that has seemed bent on keeping them apart. Maybe the clouds were like a bubble protecting them from whatever power that would normally tear them from each other. Maybe fate, destiny, the universe, or whatever else couldn't find them here in the rainstorm that seemed to seclude them from the rest of the world.

He fucking hated the rain too, like really fucking hated it. He hated the way his clothes clung to his skin, and his hair stuck to his forehead, and how the cool wind was sending chills up and down his spine. But he knew that there was no way the rain could ruin this moment between them, no way the stars weren't shining brighter for them in the sky, no way he'd remember this any other way. There was no way he wouldn’t remember the way each raindrop felt on his already soaked skin, how it dripped from his jaw and tickled his neck, how each bead stung his cold cheeks and ears, how the water collected on his eyelashes where they feathered Izuku's face, how it sploshed beneath his feet when he took a step closer.

And yet when he licked at the rain water gathering on the other’s lip, and Izuku’s breath stuttered in a gasp, it made him hate the rain a little less.

Izuku only melted further into his touch, raising to his tiptoes just to deepen the kiss.

He was teetering at the edge of the cliff already aflame as the spark burned away the kerosene like a protective coating, leaving behind just Katsuki. All he was and is and would be, all his mistakes and atonements, all his dreams and fears, all his heroic deeds and villainous performances, all his love and hate, all of it, left raw and plain to see in the carnage. And yet there was Izuku, taking him at face value just like he always had, even at his worst. It was almost laughable that this was what he had been so afraid of.

Katsuki broke away first this time despite his very being begging him not to. It was hard to catch his breath or get the words he wanted to say out. He felt like he had just come up for air in the middle of a raging ocean that threatened to pull him back under. The rain was overwhelming now with how it cascaded over his features.

Izuku fought for breath similarly, still clinging to him so tightly with searching eyes. Searching, as if it wasn't Katsuki's deepest, darkest secret that had just been laid out in the open beneath the rainy sky, illuminated by the dim porchlight of his apartment.

“You’re already way braver than me, Izuku.” Katsuki finally managed to push out the air trapped in his lungs. It was true. Izuku had found the courage in moments to do what he still never even considered a possibility. 

Izuku seemed to have stopped functioning altogether though. He opened his mouth to speak only to catch rainwater on his lips and sputter a few times.

“Nerd, you're hurtin’ me,” Katsuki finally pointed out, because he was pretty sure he was gonna have bruises on his shoulders for a week.

This seemed to shock Izuku back to life. His eyes widened in confusion and then realization. His hands flew back from Katsuki but stayed awkwardly raised between the two like he didn’t know what to do with them. “S–Sorry,” he yelled over the sound of the rain.

Pitter-patter.

They stayed in the loud silence of the rain for a moment, neither saying anything.

Finally, Katsuki broke the silence. He had to raise his voice too in order to be heard amidst the downpour. “Do ya get it now?” He stared, as best as he could through the rain water, seriously at Izuku.

Izuku panted and stared back for a beat. A bashful smile worked its way across his expression, and he let out a soft chuckle, “Yeah, actually, I think I’m finally starting to get you again.” Izuku ran his hand over his forehead and through his hair in an attempt to wipe away some of the water. 

Katsuki’s heart flipped at the sight of his gentle smile and pushed back wet hair.

“So, Kacchan, do I get to chase this dream now?” His green eyes glistened with the prospect of yet-to-be-filled fantasies. Katsuki was more than happy to grant his wish.

“Hope so. If you’re sure you wanna.”

Izuku jumped and threw his arms around Katsuki’s neck in an embrace, nearly knocking them both over. Izuku hung onto him from his tip-toes, wet hair tickling the other’s cheek.

Katsuki caught him with his arms wrapped around his waist, only stumbling a little from the surprise. Izuku was nearly as tall as him and was just as strong and heavy. He grunted, “Careful—!”

“I’m sure. I am so, so sure.” Izuku ignored his surprise and any discomfort from being soaked in the rain.

“If it was what you wanted for so long, why didn’t you say anything?” Katsuki knew it was hypocritical, but he was still curious.

Izuku pulled back to smile at his Katsuki. “I’ve been happy just to be your friend, Kacchan. I always have. I would never risk that, not when we have what we have. At least, that’s what I thought. I’ve spent all my life chasing dreams, sometimes ones that were always out of my reach, no matter how fast I ran. I guess I learned that there’s beauty in letting dreams stay dreams. There’s something about yearning that makes you feel so alive, so grateful for what is and what could be.” Izuku wiped some of the rain from the other’s cheek with his thumb. “But I think along the way I forgot that chasing means that sometimes you should reach out and grab it when you get close. I forgot that I can choose to live life exactly the way I want too. You’re what I want. You’re what I’ve wanted for so long that this desire threatens to eat me alive. I’m dying to be with you Kacchan, but it would kill me to live without you. So that’s why.”

Katsuki was awestruck. Somehow Izuku’s longing outweighed his own and swallowed him whole. He drowned in it as the rain poured over him. He couldn’t understand how or why he could be the object of such strong desire in Izuku’s eyes. The mere prospect of him even remotely feeling something akin to what Katsuki did was implausible. For him to state it in such an imposing way without any attempt to conceal his heart was suffocating. Katsuki was dying too. He was being smothered, but fuck if he came this far to just roll over and choke.

“There’s no chance you’re gonna live without me, nerd.”

Izuku scoffed amusedly at that. “Then can we start right now?”

“Yeah, let’s start now.”

Izuku smiled like it was really the best news he ever heard. He wiped at the rain and tears in his eyes to no avail.

Katsuki rolled his eyes and grabbed the other’s wrist to stop him. “Will ya come inside now? We’re gonna have fuckin’ pneumonia.”

Izuku laughed between sniffles and nodded, “Yes, please.”

You don't have to say please, Izuku, because I'm going to give you everything I have. I'm going to be worthy of your special treatment. I'm going to explode with every spark you throw at me and then revel in the ashes. I don't need possibilities of the future when you're the wind at my back, the water at my feet, and the stars in my sky. I'm going to hold on to you until you want to be alone and then I'll dream and wish for you again.

I'm going to live life with you exactly the way I want to.

Katsuki held onto his arm and pulled him a little closer as he walked them to the porch. “I hope you’re prepared. If I’m the dream you’re chasin’, you’re gonna have to work hard to keep up.”

“I’ve had my whole life to prepare! You know that I can keep up—...” Izuku trailed off as the other unlocked his front door.

“What is it?”

“Is it really okay for me to come inside?”

“What? why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well, if we’re, ya’know?” He nudged Katsuki and pointed back and forth between them to make his point.

“Shut the fuck up, you can’t be serious.”

“Nah, I’m just teasing you.” Izuku giggled as he pushed inside to Katsuki’s familiar apartment. Who knew how many times he came over after work, after dinner, to play a new game, watch a movie, just to hang out. To Izuku, it was like a second home.

Katsuki followed in behind him and shut the door. His face was flushed in the welcoming light of his home. Izuku knew he must've looked the same with how his cheeks felt swollen and eyes stung from tears. Yet he felt so happy, like these were a gift just for him. He wondered if he deserved it. Who had been granting wishes, and why had they chosen him? Either way, he wasn't planning on wasting it. Katsuki was willing to have him, and Izuku planned on giving him everything.

Katsuki stared as the other kicked off his soaking wet shoes and then started to take off his shirt too. Izuku noticed his expression and paused mid-unbuttoning his shirt.

“What’s with that look, Kacchan?”

“I thought we were startin’ right now, nerd.” That made Izuku’s breath catch, but the smirk creeping onto Katsuki’s face told him he was the one getting teased now.

“Agh, do we have to start right now?”

“You’re a loser.” Katsuki nagged as he threw his own hoodie and wet boots by the door to dry.

The cool dry air inside sent goosebumps all over Izuku’s skin and started to clear the emotional haze in his brain. He imagined it must’ve been akin to sobering up from a bucket of ice water. “Can I use your shower? I’m soaked and cold.”

Truthfully there was still so much they had to say to each other. Izuku had no doubt he would eventually get the chance to chatter Katsuki into a fit of rage with his endless babblings. It made him a little excited and nervous to think of pouring out the deepest contents of his heart to the other (and more nervous still to think there was more than what had already been so brazenly laid out.)

There would be time for all of that later though. For right now there was nothing else that had to be said. In some sort of small miracle they completely understood each other and were happy to just have that much for now. Izuku's heart swam in his chest at the prospects of endless futures, next times, and to be continueds.

“And who’s fault is that?” Katsuki took off his tee to hang by the door too.

Izuku ignored the familiar attitude and pressed him further, “Can I?”

“Hell no.”

“Suddenly I’m single again.” He had to withhold his smirk as he watched Katsuki’s expression morph from surprise to dread and then defeat. Izuku had no shame in admitting he loved seeing the blush creep across Katsuki’s neck up to his ears. He pulled the button-up off and hung it with the other’s hoodie.

“For fuck’s sake, just do whatever ya want.”

Izuku felt a little bold still and decided to see what other reaction he could get out of the other. “Thanks! You can come too.”

“Don’t push your fuckin’ luck!” Katsuki was suddenly throwing his wet shirt with a well-aimed POP from his hand. It didn't hide the fact he was blushing even more than before.

Izuku yelped as the cold fabric hit his back. “I’ll be done in 10!” He fled and slammed the door to the bathroom behind him quickly.

Ochako closed her apartment door behind her and kicked her shoes aside, “I’m home!”

“Welcome home, Ochako. I think you just beat the rain.” Tsuyu poked her head up from where she was lounging on the couch nearby.

I’m going to listen to you. I’ll start right away.

“Yep, it was just starting to drizzle when I got here.” She smiled and came to sit beside Tsuyu. The two had been roommates for a while now. Ochako enjoyed it, she didn’t really care for living alone.

“Sorry I had to leave you.”

Ochako waved her hands kindly. “Don’t worry! I know you had some work to do. Besides, I got to talk with Deku a little, so it worked out okay.”

Tsuyu tilted her head curiously and set her laptop aside on the coffee table. “You did? How was he?”

Ochako smiled fondly, “Oh you know, he’s the same as always.”

“Midoriya will probably always be Midoriya.”

I wonder if you helped him too without him even realizing it.

“Yeah, you’re right about that. Oh, and I think I figured out what Himiko Toga has been trying to tell me.”

Tsuyu nodded quietly and listened.

“She wants me to live life the way I want to, without any regrets.”

Her green eyes softened and she placed a comforting hand on Ochako’s shoulder.

I get it. You’re telling me I don’t have to atone, right? It’s okay to be happy. 

“I’m going to start now, Tsu.” Ochako looked at the other with teary eyes but a warm smile. 

You were the first dream I lost, Himiko Toga. But I still hold you dear, and I always will.

Chase all of your dreams and live life exactly the way you want to.

Thank you.

“Aw, Ochako.” Tsuyu hugged the other tightly. “You're so brave and kind, you deserve to be happy. If you're going to start now, then I’ll be right there by your side. I've got your back.”

“Thank you, Tsu.”