Chapter Text
The chapel was full for service that day, Terzo had actually agreed to take the morning mass that day and had drawn quite the crowd. Copia was sat on a bench near the back not with the rest of the cardinals near the front. He saw some of his friends chatting together and laughing on the front pew and his heart gave a little twist, he longed to be there with them sharing the jokes and chatting but he knew it wasn’t possible. He knew what would happen if he sat near the front, the same as what had happened for years, at least sat in the back the effects would be minimised or so he hoped. Nerves flicked in his stomach and his gloved creaked as his hands gripped the large grucifix hanging from his chest. “It will be fine. Just breathe.” He whispered to himself earning a judgmental look from the group of Sisters sitting beside him, he ignored them or tried to as he focused on his breathing.
Copia was relieved when the first hymn came to an end and he could sink back onto the pew, he had never been as thankful for such an uncomfortable seat before. He tried to take deep breaths but he felt the sense of dread rising more and more, nothing seamed to stop it. He tried fiddling with his rosary and tapping his fingers in a particular pattern. None of it was working. The dread was rising and he was begging to feel quite warm. His leg bounced and he couldn’t control it. He tried deep breaths again but one caught in his throat and that was all it took to shatter the fragile sense of calm.
Terzo stepped up to the altar to begin the service, Copia didn’t hear a word. All he could hear was his loud uneven breaths echoing in his ears. The blood rushing. His heart beating fast, too fast. His leg continued to bounce, no doubt making the pew rock but he was far past caring. His trembling hand gripped the pennant tighter as a wave of dizziness swept over him. He felt a kick on his leg and looked up to see a sister with red hair looking at him in an alarming manner, everyone was standing. He pushed him self to his feet and immediately wished he hadn’t, it was far worse and his vision was swimming. The edges of his vision were blurring and going dark. He couldn’t do it anymore, sitting at the back hadn’t helped he needed out. The sisters next to him seemed to be saying something but he didn’t register a word of it. He turned and fled through the ornately carved wooden doors of the chapel.
Copia collapsed just a few steps away from the door, he sunk down to the floor letting his flushed cheek rest on the soothing cool stone. His breathing was still erratic and he couldn’t seem to stop the tidal wave of panic within him. “Cardinal, what are you doing on the floor?” Copia looked up to see Sister Imperators stern gaze, she was towering above him in her heels in all black. “Another panic attack Sister.” He explained although the effort left him breathless and dizzy. She looked down at him with a frown, “you’ll do no good on the floor Cardi, just breathe and try to pull yourself together.” There would be no sympathy for him today, not that there ever was. As much as he looked up to imperator he knew that she put the ministry first and his current disgrace would not win him any sympathy or favour. “Mass will be over soon Cardinal, I suggest you move somewhere less public if you continue to behave like this.” He nodded, if the others saw him he knew they would whisper about the cardinal who couldn’t even attend a mass not realising those whispers just made it worse. How he longed to be normal, to sit at the front as fit his position, sit with his friends and earn some shred of respect. It felt unobtainable now as he sat on the floor trying to regulate his breathing. He often wondered what was wrong with him in moments like this but he believed the list was far too long to count. “My apologies Sister.” He said with a large sigh as he ran his shaking hands through his hair. Imperator said nothing but turned on her heel and left to whatever important duties she had. Copia was left alone with the sting of tears in his mismatched eyes, feeling completely alone in his terrifying panic.