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"Tell me I'm pretty."
Ah.
Yunho never considered himself the type to encourage such behavior, never thought he'd be drawn to someone demanding compliments like that. He stares in silence for a couple of seconds or more, until a pillow lands on his face with a loud smack, and he falls back on the mattress, laughing.
He didn't think he would be attracted to someone like that, until this gorgeous human being turned his whole world upside down in one night.
"You're pretty." he says, still laughing a little, and there are hands pressing down his chest as said gorgeous human being hovers above him, still not looking 100% satisfied. "You are the prettiest person I've ever seen in my life, Seonghwa."
Perhaps it's the way Seonghwa's eyes hold a million stars in them whenever Yunho compliments him. The pure happiness on his face that turns Yunho all mushy. "Thank you." Seonghwa beams at him before Yunho grabs him firmly and switches their positions to Seonghwa giggling under him.
If someone asked Yunho what the relationship between him and Seonghwa is, Yunho wouldn't know what to name it. Seonghwa never stays, Seonghwa always leaves as suddenly as he appears. They never agreed to be anything, so Yunho has no answer to give.
But when Seonghwa is here with him, everything is just…effortless. Seonghwa is untouchable, slipping through Yunho’s fingers like grains of sand. The joy of having him around is as intense as the pain of his absence when he walks out that door.
Yunho doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t really know who Seonghwa is, if that’s even his real name or not. There are many alarm bells when it comes to Seonghwa. Seonghwa is a stranger but also, he’s not.
When he pulls Yunho in for a kiss like the one they’re sharing right now, he’s anything but a stranger.
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It started raining about 20 minutes after Yunho had arrived at the bar. He didn’t like rain, especially today that he had just come for a drink after work. At least he had come with his car, so driving back home would be easier.
Half an hour later, his mood was completely ruined, so he paid for his drink and left, making sure to wear his hood before he ran towards the parking lot. But the moment he reached his car, he halted with a gasp. There was someone there, dressed in black from head to toe, sitting on the ground, resting back against the car, eyes closed. He was drenched under the pouring rain, and there seemed to be dirt mixed with blood on his face, though Yunho could see no bruises. He leaned down and touched him carefully. “Hey.” he nudged him, but got no response. “Hey!”
No sane person would ever do what Yunho did. A sane person would call the police, or an ambulance, or would just drive off and leave him there in the parking lot.
But Yunho took him home.
It was a true challenge; the guy seemed to be barely conscious, but not enough to communicate. Yunho carried him upstairs to his apartment, carefully removed his biker jacket and lowered him on the living room carpet, his back against the couch. While cleaning his face, he noticed blood on his bruised knuckles, and he tried his best to clean them, too. A couple of times, the young man stirred, but then he relaxed again.
The biggest challenge was to put him in dry clothes. Yunho hesitated a lot, didn't want to undress him in that state. "Hey-" he called again, trying to wake him even a little bit more. "You're gonna catch a cold if you stay in those clothes, you have to change…"
For a very long moment, he was certain he hadn't been heard. The expression on the young man’s face was unreadable. But then, he finally opened his eyes, and Yunho's world stopped for a moment.
He hadn't realized how beautiful he was. He had sharp features, almost as he was a sculpture, and even with that glossed over look, he was carrying some kind of ethereal aura.
Now, that was stupid, and irrelevant.
Yunho quickly shook his head. The guy closed his eyes again, head dropping to the front against Yunho. "Ok…" he let out in a hoarse tone, and Yunho just sat there, even more clueless and confused. Ok.
Ok…
Was he…ok? With Yunho undressing him?
It was difficult to tell. Yunho forced himself to believe that the guy would react if he didn't want Yunho to do it. He tried his best not to force or pull too strong, but it became increasingly difficult to remove his black skinny jeans. Yunho wasn't sure how long it took; he did his best not to stare, not even when he brought his own clothes to dress him with.
The rest felt like a blur. Once he finally had him in dry clothes, Yunho picked him up and carefully placed him on the couch, before bringing a thick warm blanket to cover him with. The stranger's dark long hair was only half-wet now, already drying in messy waves and curls on his face. He tugged on Yunho's blanket, almost disappearing completely under it, and then fell completely still, as if he had fallen asleep.
Seonghwa.
He had introduced himself to Yunho the next morning, and that’s how everything had begun. Even now, Yunho isn’t sure how he got himself into this so easily. Maybe it’s Seonghwa’s eyes, the way they lighten up whenever Yunho pampers him. That very first morning after Yunho took him home, they ended up having sex on his couch, ordered food, played Yunho’s favourite video games. It was the weirdest, most out of character thing Yunho had ever done. Instead of asking why he found Seonghwa the way he did, he just…gave him everything. Seonghwa took everything Yunho gave with a smile, he kept Yunho company in a way no one else ever has.
And then, he was gone, just like that.
Yunho had thought it would be a one-time thing, that he’d never see him again.
Instead, Seonghwa keeps showing up at his doorstep every now and then, never giving him a reason. Yunho never asks why, either. He never gets a warning; sometimes it can be a few days, sometimes it can be a couple of weeks. The result is always the same; Yunho comes home to find Seonghwa waiting outside his door.
Sometimes his eyes are sparkling with excitement, sometimes they’re drowning in fatigue.
Every single time, Yunho takes him in, clinging onto those fragments Seonghwa leaves behind, the crumbs of delight and heavenliness he feeds Yunho before he walks out his door again.
Today, too, Seonghwa is waiting for him when Yunho comes back from work. He sees him the moment he gets out of his car, leaning back against his front door, his hair tied back in a small ponytail. “Did you miss me?” Seonghwa asks, very innocently, and a bit playful. Yunho isn’t sure how he can sound both innocent and sinful at the same time, but that is one of Seonghwa’s many charms.
“It’s been two weeks.” he says, can’t even fight the smile on his own face. “Of course I missed you.”
He can tell Seonghwa is tired. Why, Yunho wants to know, what did he do while he was away? It’s like Yunho has sworn a secret oath, to keep his mouth shut. He should have asked from the start, when he took Seonghwa home, but he never did, and now he’s missed his chance. Now he doesn’t have the right to ask, to be judgmental.
Seonghwa takes his time in Yunho’s shower and Yunho pulls out clean clothes for him, like he always does. He gets the bed ready, he checks the fridge to make sure there’s enough stuff to feed them both. He changes into his own sleepwear, and when Seonghwa finally gets out of the shower, Yunho spreads his arms with a warm smile, waiting for him.
That, too. He would never do stuff like that. But he loves the way Seonghwa just traps himself into Yunho’s arms, the way he leans against his collarbones, his body a perfect fit for Yunho’s embrace. His frame is smaller than Yunho’s, and so Yunho’s clothes are always a little big for him, but Yunho doesn’t mind. He loves it when his sweater slides down Seonghwa’s shoulder, when his pants just come off so easily…
They lie in bed, just staring at each other for a long moment. Even with the dark circles under his eyes, Seonghwa looks the prettiest, soft and tired and pleased to be here. Yunho’s fingers trace over his cheekbone, the smooth, silky strands of his dark hair. Then they trail to his ear, Seonghwa never taking his eyes off him. His lips part just a little when Yunho lowers his fingers to his neck.
Where do you go when you leave? Do you have others? Is there someone special in your heart? Is there enough space in there for me, too? Who did you fight with the day I found you?
Always the same questions swirling in Yunho’s mind. Not once has he worded one of them out.
Seonghwa is his enigma, and Yunho is too reluctant to figure him out. He comes and goes in Yunho’s life as he pleases. With Yunho’s permission, Yunho’s blessings.
Tonight, too, Seonghwa crawls on top of him, and Yunho surrenders to whatever Seonghwa wants. Stolen moments, running against the clock. Borrowed time, borrowed happiness, for Yunho. He wonders, if Seonghwa ever misses him as much as Yunho misses Seonghwa.
He’ll never know. He only has this, Seonghwa’s time that he offers to Yunho whenever and however he decides.
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The next time Seonghwa shows up is just three days later, much to Yunho’s elation. After that, it takes him a week. But he always, always comes back. Yunho has no way of contacting him. He’s never seen Seonghwa with a phone; does he even own one? Another question he’ll never pose.
They spend the whole day together, which is rare, because Seonghwa usually shows up in the evenings. They even go out for a walk together, and they stop at the grocery store so they can buy everything they need for dinner. It almost feels like an actual relationship, domestic and casual. Yunho doesn’t want to allow himself to think of it like that, because it’s just setting himself up for more hurt, more disappointment.
But occasionally, he gives in and lets his imagination run wild. He’s only human, after all.
He goes to sleep right next to Seonghwa, but when he wakes up, something has changed. Something is different.
For the first time since this whole thing has started, Seonghwa doesn’t just disappear. He disappears with Yunho’s car.
Yunho should be mad, should be fuming, should be cursing at Seonghwa, and probably himself, too. Instead, Yunho storms outside all worried, desperately trying to swallow the bitter taste of panic in his mouth. Where should he go, where should he look for? Seonghwa could have fled the city by now, Yunho doesn’t even know what time he left his side. He could be literally anywhere, and Yunho has no way of knowing. Seonghwa could use Yunho's car to commit crimes, nothing is impossible.
Yunho searches and searches until the sun disappears, and he goes back home empty-handed.
He should go to the police. He should have gone to the police from the start. From the moment he found Seonghwa next to his car. Why would he even take him in, why would he trust him?
Why does a part of him, the strongest part -or maybe the weakest- still trusts him? Still tells Yunho that Seonghwa would never do this? That whatever reason he had to run away with Yunho’s car is…
He sleeps for a few hours, and when morning comes, he goes out again. He checks the neighbourhood, he takes as many buses as he can, stares outside the windows just in case he catches a glimpse of his car. He wanders aimlessly in the city, the sky changing colors above his head once more. People around him continue with their lives, no one paying attention to him.
At night, Yunho is exhausted. He drags himself to his favourite bar, desperate for a drink. He tells himself that he has to go to the police, it’s not about trusting Seonghwa anymore. If anything happens, if anyone gets his car involved in something illegal…
As he passes by the parking lot, he freezes. There. It. Is.
His car. It’s there. That’s his car, there’s no mistake. And Seonghwa is…inside.
Yunho forgets all about that drink he was craving so desperately just a moment ago. His heart screeches in his chest. He runs, calling out Seonghwa’s name, banging on the window. He yanks the door open with a hiss, bending over to reach Seonghwa, contemplating on yelling at him. Did he steal his car just to drive to every bar in the city and drown himself in liquor?
What a fool. What a reckless idiot.
But no yell ever comes out of his mouth.
Seonghwa isn’t drunk.
Seonghwa looks defeated, holding back tears that are still already stubbornly glistering in his eyes. He looks up at Yunho and it’s like that stare -oh, that stare- stabs through Yunho’s body sharper than a sword. All his frustration evaporates into the air.
“Please, take me home?” Seonghwa breathes out a whispered whimper, and Yunho’s heart cracks in his chest at the request, the broken plea that probably won’t mean anything tomorrow.
But tomorrow is another day.
He does. He takes Seonghwa home. He bathes him, feeds him with whatever is left in the fridge, and puts him to bed. He watches him, watches the way Seonghwa stares at the ceiling, half-passed out, how his eyes flutter open and close a few times before eventually, he falls asleep. Yunho stares a bit longer, lets the warmth spread and settle within his bones. No guarantees, no promises, no safety net, just this. Whatever this is, whoever Seonghwa is, the Seonghwa that will never truly belong to him.
Yunho falls asleep, too. And then, a couple of hours later, he wakes up again.
Outside, it’s still dark. And when he looks at Seonghwa, he realizes he’s awake. Yunho stirs, breath catching in his throat.
“Are you ok?”
Seonghwa doesn’t immediately respond. Instead, he shifts closer to Yunho, so close that their knees are touching. “Do you like me?” he whispers, and it takes a moment for the question to make it to Yunho’s brain. Is he serious? After everything, is he questioning that?
“I like you.” he breathes nevertheless. He strokes Seonghwa’s hair, cups his cheek, thumb brushing over his bottom lip. He loves Seonghwa’s lips. Seonghwa’s face, even in the dark, it’s mesmerizing. “I really like you, Seonghwa.”
“Am I your number one?” All the questions Yunho doesn’t understand, all the questions he will never understand, because Seonghwa will never properly explain. A shadow, a cloud in the sky, a star disappearing in the morning, that’s who he is.
“You are my only one.” he confesses. It seems to strike something within Seonghwa, his eyes changing expression to something deeper, something greedier. But also a bit scared, only for a fleeting moment. Yunho shifts closer, too. Seonghwa will leave him again whenever he wants, and Yunho will accept it like it’s nothing.
“Kiss me.” Seonghwa requests, quiet but demanding. Not in a bossy way, but in a yearning one that sends shivers down Yunho’s spine. He does, wouldn’t be able to deny him something like that.
He kisses Seonghwa, and it just escalates, just like every other time. They kiss, and they undress, and they make love until the first morning light creeps into the room through the window. By now, Yunho knows every bump, freckle, scar, on Seonghwa’s body, and he presses kisses on every single one of them until Seonghwa is melting in his arms.
Seonghwa falls asleep again under the covers, while Yunho very reluctantly abandons the bed to go for a shower and get ready for work. He’s running on this temporary euphoria, using it to fuel his body and mind, as long as it lasts. He checks himself in the mirror, making sure there are no marks he has to cover up, and then quietly steps out and gets dressed. Seonghwa is right where he left him, sleeping peacefully. It’s a cliche thing to think, but to Yunho, he looks like an angel. A fallen angel that found his way in Yunho’s life, one that will be coming in and out of it without a warning, without a background story. What do they really know about each other?
Who cares?
Yunho crouches down in front of the bottom kitchen drawer. He rarely ever opens this, it’s packed with stuff he shoved there in a hurry, stuff he would supposedly sort out later. He digs through all the unnecessary nothings, from old notes to loose screws and even a couple of long-forgotten delivery flyers. Under all that, he finds what he’s looking for. The spare key of his apartment.
He’s never ever given anyone the spare key. But now he holds it in his hand, looking towards Seonghwa over his shoulder. Yunho is insane, he knows he is. Insane, to trust something as important as the key to his place to someone like Seonghwa, who could be anyone, could be a hired assassin, a drug dealer, a thief. And yet here he is, placing the key on the edge of the kitchen table, where it’s easy to see. Easy for Seonghwa to take it and disappear like he always does, and Yunho will serve him that freedom on a silver plate. Superficial? Maybe.
Or just…whatever.
He closes the door behind him gently, and braces himself for another day at work.
.................................................................................................................................
Seonghwa is still there when Yunho comes home.
It's a strange feeling, the one spreading inside him. It's happiness, mixed with dread. If he's here now, then he might just be gone next morning. It's a constant fear, actually, one that he has no problem admitting to himself.
But, he'd be a huge liar if he said that he's not happy that Seonghwa is still here. He's sitting curled up on the couch, still wearing Yunho's sweatpants and sweater, still too big for him, still sliding down his shoulder. He's got a half-finished pizza on the coffee table in front of him, so he probably ordered food while Yunho was away. "I left some for you." he tells Yunho all nonchalant, as if they have been roommates for ages. He's wearing a lovely smile on his face. Yunho barely pays attention to the TV playing in the background.
He kicks his shoes off, removes his jacket, drops his bag. He had made peace with Seonghwa being gone, and now he's feeling a little overwhelmed. The key on the table is gone; did Seonghwa take it, did he hide it somewhere? Yunho wants to ask, but once again, he doesn't.
So many questions when it comes to Seonghwa, questions that Yunho never asks, because asking might push Seonghwa away once and for all…
"Thank you." he says in the end, and Seonghwa's face brightens up immediately, like a child being praised for their good grades. "Let me have a quick shower first, ok?"
Seonghwa nods. Yunho can't help himself, has to approach him and lean down to kiss his forehead before actually disappearing in the shower. Under the hot water, his mind drifts off once more, like it always happens, like it has been happening since Seonghwa showed up in his life. Where this is going, when it will end, when…
The couch is empty when he steps out. Seonghwa has moved to the bed instead, sitting cross-legged and waiting for Yunho. It's not even a competition; between the pizza and Seonghwa, Yunho's only choice is the latter. He climbs to bed, and Seonghwa immediately throws his arms around his neck, pulling him down on him. It's so easy for Yunho to slip and forget like this, to lose his mind, to let go of everything…they kiss until they're out of breath, hungry hands slipping under clothes, fingers digging into skin. All the little faces Seonghwa makes, Yunho could get drunk on them. The pleasure, the ecstatic little laughs, the closed eyes with the parted lips, all little signs of how much he enjoys being with Yunho like this.
How can Yunho make it last forever?
They doze off for half an hour, wake up again to look at each other and giggle, carefree and silly and just…dazed. They move back to the couch and Yunho finally eats the leftover pizza. It tastes even better cold, or maybe it’s just his imagination. He feeds the last slice to Seonghwa, just to see that look of bliss in his eyes again. If there is one thing he has realized during their time together, is how much Seonghwa loves food. So there’s no way Yunho won’t give him that last slice.
They turn the TV back on and Seonghwa makes himself comfortable in Yunho’s arms. There’s nothing really to watch at this hour, so they settle for a random old movie on a random channel. Yunho keeps caressing Seonghwa’s forehead with his fingers. From time to time, Seonghwa releases some short, pleased, drowsy sounds. By the time they have reached the second half of the movie, Yunho’s eyelids are heavy and Seonghwa has fallen completely quiet. Yunho just wants to reach over for the remote and turn the TV off, but his body doesn’t obey him, and Seonghwa’s weight on him is making everything even more difficult.
The end of the movie? Yunho has fallen asleep long before the end credits roll. It’s easy, as natural as breathing, to fall asleep with Seonghwa in his arms.
And then, morning comes again, and Yunho wakes up alone, covered with a blanket. The clothes Seonghwa had been wearing are neatly folded and placed at the feet of the bed.
Seonghwa is gone.
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Days go by, dull and grey. Yunho goes to work, hangs out with his friends, returns home. He showers, eats something light, goes to sleep. On the weekend, he isolates himself and plays video games until his phone is buzzing with calls and messages from his friends.
He’s living with that vague bitterness inside his chest. Bitter, but also sweet. He’s numb. He thinks of Seonghwa when he works, when he has another drink at the bar, when he showers. He drives around the city at night, listening to his favourite music, staring outside the window when the traffic lights are red. Just in case.
At home, he still keeps the clothes Seonghwa wore, folded on the couch. He hasn’t washed them. It’s creepy, maybe. Yunho keeps like that for the lingering scent of Seonghwa. He keeps them out of his closet, just in case.
Just in case.
Days turn to weeks. A month passes by, and Yunho’s heart sinks deeper into the pool of bitterness. It never took Seonghwa that long to come back.
Maybe it’s over. But did it ever start? They never had a beginning, so this isn’t really an end.
Yunho goes to work, smiles and jokes with his colleagues. He hangs out with his friends, and when he doesn’t, he stays home. He stares at the ceiling for hours, all the moments he shared with Seonghwa playing in his head again and again, projected on the ceiling.
He buys snacks and sweets that he thinks Seonghwa would like. He puts them in the fridge, ends up eating them himself so they don’t go bad.
But he’s ok. Life goes on, and on the outside, Yunho is the same.
He has to stay longer at work one evening. The hours are endless and tormenting, and when he finally leaves the damn building, the sky is dark, not a single cloud above their heads. Yunho barely has the energy to drive home, and then he drags his feet up the stairs to his apartment…
…when he tries to unlock the door, he realizes it’s already unlocked. Did he forget to lock when he left this morning? Yunho steps in with a sigh, removing his coat and bending down to take off his shoes, too.
Except, the spot he leaves his shoes at is already occupied.
Yunho’s breath stops at the sight of the worn-out converse with the frayed laces. The air shifts, charged with something heavy and delirious. He kicks his own shoes off, almost stumbles his way further inside the apartment. His heart, it’s jumping up and down in his chest, ready to pop out of his mouth.
It’s not one of his daydreams. It’s not one of his delusional dreams.
Seonghwa is sitting on his bed, propped up on the pillows, wearing the clothes Yunho refused to wash and put back in his closet. He looks like he hasn’t slept for days; those circles under his eyes, Yunho knows them a little too well, plastered against the paleness of his face.
The knot in Yunho’s chest unravels. “Welcome home.” Seonghwa whispers, the vulnerability in his voice catching Yunho off guard. There’s something small and shiny on the nightstand; the spare key. Seonghwa’s eyes catch the light from the bedside lamp, and Yunho feels his knees going weak.
“You’re back.” he breathes. In just a few steps, he’s there, sinking onto the bed with Seonghwa. Where he was, what he did, why he looks like he hasn’t slept for weeks, Yunho buries all those questions before they can roll off his tongue. He cups Seonghwa’s face with both hands, Seonghwa’s lashes trembling as he closes his eyes and leans into the touch with a tortured sigh. Yunho places a kiss on his forehead, then between his eyebrows, then down on the tip of his nose.
And then he kisses him properly, slow but deep, combing through his hair with his fingers. Dammit, how much he missed his hair, his kiss, his everything…Seonghwa’s grip is weak on his sleeves, but he still holds onto Yunho, letting himself be pressed between the pillows and Yunho’s body. “Am I still your only one?” The question is barely audible spoken against Yunho’s lips, as if Seonghwa is scared to hear the answer. Yunho nods, and then he nods again, pressing his forehead against Seonghwa’s. “Will you keep me?”
Yunho’s hands slide to cradle the sides of Seonghwa’s face again. The weight of Seonghwa’s question is heavy in his chest, feels like fire in his stomach. He kisses his eyelids, then his forehead again. With Seonghwa, there is no forever or always, no future to be certain of. There’s only the present, it always has been this way.
Yunho doesn’t care. He nods, fingers framing Seonghwa’s face as he leaves a featherlight kiss on the corner of his lips.
“For as long as you want me to.”
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