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The light slipping through the curtains seemed rather blinding that morning. Perhaps it was the building headache that drilled through your brain. Maybe the ache that made itself present in your chest with every breath you took. You groaned, hating it.
You dragged yourself out of bed, the opposite side as empty as it had been the last couple of weeks. You tried not to look at it. You still couldn’t get used to the emptiness, even with time passing by.
Your freshly made black coffee alleviated the headache, but the deafening silence of your apartment only made you travel to simpler times. Your gaze fell into the wine-stained carpet that you had neglected to throw out and the incense marks left on the dark wood of your coffee table.
Even if you didn’t intend to, you could still picture it as clearly as it had happened yesterday.
“Okay, weirdos, I’m retiring to bed,” Cassie proclaimed, getting up from the couch despite the growing protests coming from the floor, where you and Kate sat. She had her back against the opposite loveseat, your feet on her lap while you used the cushions as pillows on the floor, both tipsy.
“Cass, it’s only–” Kate started, lifting her wrist to her face to see the hour, squinting her eyes. “Oh, crap. It’s 4 a.m.”
“Exactly.” Cassie retorted, grabbing her phone and her blanket from the couch she was on. “Some of us actually do want to sleep, okay?”
“Party pooper.” You said, matter-of-factly. Cassie only rolled her eyes, throwing a kiss in your direction.
“Don’t finish my wine!”
You and Kate made a similar sound in response, before looking at each other and exploding into giggles.
It wasn’t often that you spent time with Kate. Between your jobs, school, and her multiple sports practices, it was hard to hang out. And it was a shame, really, because you did enjoy Kate’s company. She was funny, and not bad to look at. She was brilliant, too, but not in a way that made you feel less than. No, her brilliance was something that not a lot of people gave her credit for. It was in the way she spoke so eloquently about the things she was passionate about. Like in that moment, starting a rant on why vinyl records were a much better way to capture audio than any other. You could have listened to her forever, go on about how listening to records was an immersive physical experience that simply could never be replicated. Almost like that moment, too.
“Simply the quality of the audio should be enough to choose vinyl!” Kate continued saying.
“Streaming is more convenient, though,” you replied with a mischievous grin. “I can only press play on a silly little app on my phone and listen.”
Kate rolled her eyes, the tiniest of smiles drawn on her lips, pushing your feet off her lap to get up. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Where do you think you are going?” You asked, faking offense. “See? You can’t even defend your argument.”
“Shut up, I’m getting more wine,” Kate said, picking up your glass from the coffee table.
The bottle of red wine that Cassie left opened on the counter was already half-empty, and it wasn’t your first. You watched as Kate poured the wine into the glasses, a curl of long black hair falling into her perfectly sculptured face as she did so. You allowed yourself this momentary silence to admire her, from the curve of her nose to the shape of her lips. You never wonder why half the world seemed to be enthralled in that woman—you had experienced it firsthand, every time she was around. The light in her smile was enough to leave anyone breathless. However, you were aware that Kate Bishop was not the kind of person who would ever find it within herself to settle down. If anything, adrenaline was her lover, and danger was her spouse. Anything that kept her away from those things was merely a distraction.
You never let yourself daydream about her. But you would occasionally indulge in her beauty.
“I can prove it to you,” you heard Kate say as she returned to the living room, placing both glasses on the coffee table. She walked toward the TV stand, where Cassie kept all of her records, which had originally prompted the conversation. She kneeled in front of them, lightly brushing the spine of the covers as she lowly murmured the names on them to herself. After a little while, a small ‘aha’ escaped Kate’s lips, pulling a record.
“Katherine,” you called her in a whisper-yell. “Cassie literally just went to sleep.”
Kate scoffed, not even bothering to look your way as she pulled the record from its case and placed it as carefully as possible on the record player. “Please, she’s probably knocked out by now. She won’t hear us.”
You shook your head in disapproval, reaching for your wine glass, with a faint smile dancing on your lips. The soft sound of a male voice, accompanied by a soft bassline and high hats in the background started filling the room. You watched Kate smile satisfied as you took a sip of your wine, the dryness reminding you why you actually preferred the cheap rosé Cassie liked. She hummed along to the music, swaying side to side a bit as she walked toward you.
“Do you hear that? How clear every instrument is?” Kate said with a grin. “You can’t tell me you get that from Apple Music.”
“Who do you think I am?” You replied, the laugh present in your voice. “I use Spotify, doofus.”
“Even worse.” Kate sighed, grabbing her wine and extending her free hand in your direction.
You arched your eyebrows, skeptical. “Hello to you too?”
The brunette rolled her eyes, but her hand never faltered. “Dance with me.”
The question took you by surprise, but not more than your own hand moving forward to take hers without even thinking about it. She pulled you off the couch, spilling a bit of wine onto the carpet. You would have winced at it on any other occasion, but you had no mental capacity for anything other than Kate. She flushed your body to hers, her hand leaving yours to rest on your waist, yours finding its way to her shoulder while the swaying continued.
“How is dancing going to prove your point?” You managed to say, thankful your voice didn’t register the sudden anxiety that started filling your body.
Kate shrugged, sipping at her wine. The glint in her eyes made them seem even bluer, an endless sea full of wonder. “It just felt like a good idea.”
A huff escaped you, unable to stop the smile on your lips because, of course, Kate would say that. You heard her start humming the song again, her head moving slightly side to side in the same motion the both of you did. There was something in the air, unspoken, lingering, and you were far too nervous to speak. You weren’t sure you would have been able to if you tried. The smile didn’t leave your lips, and she never took her eyes off yours.
A good minute into the song, she looked at you with an arched brow, mischief written all over her face. “Do you feel it yet?”
“What?”
“The music in your veins.”
You rolled your eyes, but you would be lying if you said you weren’t feeling… something. She didn’t have to know that, though. “It feels the same to me.”
Fond exasperation exuded from Kate, pressing her forehead to your shoulder in what was seemingly a move of defeat. “Come on, Y/N. Don’t do this to me.” For some reason, your heart fluttered at the sound of your name. “It’s like–” Kate started, pulling back to look at you again. “It’s like when you kiss someone you have been wanting to kiss for a long time. Everything feels like there’s a show of fireworks exploding inside you.” You saw the question in her gaze as she brought her glass up to her lips. “Do you know that feeling?”
You scrunched up your nose. “Honestly?” You shook your head, looking at the floor. “I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel like that.”
Her eyes widened in surprise, her movements so fast that the glass of wine she held in her hands slipped, just enough to get some of it on your shirt. You gasped at the cold liquid sticking your shirt to your skin, while Kate cursed under her breath, moving her glass as far away from you as she could.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed. “I was just not expecting that. Lemme just—”
Kate hurriedly grabbed the glass from your hands, and placed both cups back on the table, before attempting to head back into the kitchen to get something to clean you up. Nevertheless, you grabbed her hand at the last minute, already missing the heat of her body next to yours. She looked back at you, confused.
“The song isn’t over, Bishop.”
The faintest shade of surprise shadowed her features, but she returned to where she had previously been, her hands firmly holding your waist. You weren’t entirely sure if the goosebumps you felt were caused by her firm grip, or the cold liquid still rolling down your skin. But somewhere deep within you, you knew you would hate yourself forever if you broke the moment. If you left whatever this was slip through your fingers.
Absentmindedly, you wrapped your arms around her neck, and that seemed to bring Kate out of whichever trance she was in.
“That is a nice shirt I just ruined,” Kate muttered, still looking apologetic, and unable to contain the scarlet creeping across her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“What, this old thing?” You said, resting its importance. “I was going to throw it out soon, anyways.” A smirk appeared on your face. “Besides, I’ll say it was well worth it to see the almighty Katherine Elizabeth Bishop blushing up a storm.”
Kate shook her head in disapproval, the confidence returning to sapphire blue. “Yes, well, in my defense, it was half your fault. How are you going to reveal something like that and expect me not to react?”
“I honestly don’t see what’s the big deal.”
“It’s just–” Kate sighed. “The type of thing everyone should experience at least once.”
The air felt thicker, for some reason. “Explain it to me, then. How does that feel?”
“Well,” she started, her voice now softer. “The moment right before it, there’s something in the air. Almost tangible, like electricity.” You didn’t miss the glint in her eyes, nor the glance she gave at your lips before licking her own. “You become very aware of your surroundings, of the feeling of warmth around you.” You were not sure if you were just imagining things, but the gap between you just seemed smaller. “And your skin tingles, wondering if it is everything you’ve always thought it’d be.”
You didn’t know why, but you closed your eyes. You never let yourself daydream about her, but it would be a lie to say you said you never wondered what it would be like to kiss her. “And then what happens?”
“Fireworks.”
You hated to admit it, but she was right. After Kate pressed her soft lips against your own, the fireworks appeared. You couldn’t even describe how you felt after that night, but you were sure your life had been turned upside down.
You tried to play it off as a drunken spur-of-the-moment at first. Getting drunk and making out with your friends was part of the college experience, after all. Nevertheless, that kiss was the first of many to follow, all of them in secret, each hungrier than the one before. Kate Bishop became a constant in your life after that night, as if she was on a mission to help you find that spark you had been missing. And you found it, time and time again, in urgent kisses and impatient brushes of skin. On marks left in your collarbones; in the sound of your name escaping her mouth when you touched her where she needed you most. She was your drug, and you were at her mercy.
You wished it could have lasted an eternity, and that made you ignore the signs. Despite spending almost every night in your bed, it was rare for you to see her outside the four walls of your apartment. Despite knowing the sounds she made when she reached the highest point of ecstasy, you had never held her hand in public. And despite all your friends knowing about your arrangement, she never dared to bring it up to any of them. What you had existed in the shadows, far away from everyone’s reach.
Even your own.
Your phone chimed on the counter, a steady stream of messages appearing on the screen. Exhaling heavily, you picked it up, finally opening the thread you had been ignoring for a few days. Your friend group chat kept going off, probably for the finishing touches of the farewell party they were throwing over the weekend. Cassie, America, and Kate were heading west, leaving their entire lives behind to follow their dreams. They had even asked Peter to go with them, to make it a bit easier to start a new life surrounded by friends. The boy, however, had decided to stay home in New York, saying how he couldn’t even imagine his life without MJ with no hint of hesitation in his voice. As happy as you were for your friend, you couldn’t say that it didn’t hurt that Kate couldn’t even look at you when he said that.
Now, you weren’t naïve, you always knew where this was headed. You knew it that night, when she kissed you for the first time, and you knew it every night she looked into your eyes and told you her deepest, darkest secrets. You knew you represented everything she had never wanted. Even if, at times, it seemed like what you had could be something she wanted, she had a plan that she wouldn’t let go of. Kate Bishop would never give up a life of adrenaline and danger for a quiet life with you.
Despite knowing that, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
It hurt when she told you she was leaving. It hurt when she never asked you to go with her. It hurt that she wanted to keep you until she was no longer there.
Your phone chimed again, vibrating in your hand and snapping you out of your thoughts. You looked down at the screen just in time to see your name appear in the chat.
Cassie – Y/N, are you coming to the party?
America – Of course she’s coming. She’s not letting us go before saying goodbye.
America – Right, bestie?
Peter – Yeah, Y/N, it will be so much fun! We can bully them for leaving us behind!
You sighed, your fingers hovering on the screen as you thought of a reply. As far as they were concerned, not showing up to their party would have been the highest of treasons. They were your best friends in the world, how could you possibly miss it? But if you were honest with yourself, you were not up to it, especially knowing Kate would be there. You had successfully avoided her since calling off the agreement and you had no intention of seeing her before she left.
If she wanted to pretend it had meant nothing, you could do that too.
You – Sorry, guys, working ☹ But have fun, and swing by before leaving! <3
You rolled your eyes as you added a kissy emoji at the end but sent the text anyway. It was immediately seen by three out of the six people in the group, followed by a new stream of reactions and replies that you didn’t have the willpower to pay attention to. You turned on ‘do not disturb’ and placed the phone face down on the counter, before heading into the living room to find a distraction on TV.
---
After many hours of watching several episodes of your comfort show, a loud knock on the front door startled you. You stared at the door with narrowed eyes for a moment, unsure if it had really happened or if you had just imagined the sound. As much as Cassie and America loved you, they had been so wrapped up in their move you could not imagine they would show up at your door, despite your earlier text. Another knock followed, more impatient this time.
“Coming!” You yelled, throwing the blanket off your body and getting up from the couch with a groan.
Whoever was behind the door didn’t insist, giving you enough time to pick up some food wrappers off the coffee table and throwing them in the trash. After running your fingers through your hair in an attempt to make it look better than it did from a whole day of lounging in the living room, you pulled the door open, your heart dropping to the floor the moment you saw who was disturbing your peace.
Kate Bishop, in the flesh, blue eyes shinier than ever.
You contained the desire to slam the door in her face. You just wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.
You rolled your lips, standing as tall as your frame allowed you, your chin slightly tipped upward.
“What are you doing here?”
Kate gave you one of her characteristic smirks, shrugging nonchalantly as if this was just another casual meeting. It infuriated you.
“You said to swing by before leaving, so…” She dragged the final ‘o’, her voice causing a disturbance within you that you weren’t sure how to describe.
You rolled your eyes. “That wasn’t meant for you, so!” You exclaimed, attempting to close the front door before she stopped it with her foot.
“Come on, Y/N, I just want to talk.” Kate replied, her voice now sounding more serious. “I brought a peace offering.”
Reluctantly, you flung the door open again, setting your gaze on the bouquet of flowers she was holding, pressed to her classic purple sweatshirt. Her smirk turned into a dashing smile, and you hated your heart for reacting at the mere sight of her.
“You said they were your favorite.”
You couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped you.
“Those are carnations,” you said, the tone of disbelief apparent in your voice.
Kate furrowed her eyebrows, bewildered. “They are not. They are roses.”
You rolled your eyes, walking back inside your apartment. Maybe it was immature to hate that she couldn’t remember your favorite flowers, but you did. At this point, you hated Kate Bishop as much as you loved her.
That is what hurt the most.
“Y/N, wait!” Kate exclaimed, closing the door behind her as she followed you. You felt the warmth of her skin through the fabric of your shirt as she reached for you, her touch as electrifying as when you danced in that very living room.
“Why did you come?” The words escaped your lips without intention.
“I told you,” Kate replied. “I just want to talk.”
“But why?” You dropped your hands to your side, the bitterness now seeping into your voice. “Why can’t you just go and leave me alone?”
“Because we–”
“No, Kate, there is no ‘we.’ You don’t want me. Stop stringing me along.”
Kate put down the flowers on the coffee table, her eyes dimming. “That is not true.”
“What’s not true?” You retorted, exasperated.
“That I don’t want you.”
You scoffed. “Oh, please, stop lying. You are leaving, Kate, not me!”
“I know, Y/N, okay? I know!” Kate sounded just as exasperated as you were. She covered her face with her palms, sighing as heavily as the words resounded across the room. “I know I hurt you and I will regret it forever.” She furiously wiped a tear from her cheek, as if she did not want you to see her like that. “It just doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I just wish I didn’t.”
The words rang in your ears, like a drum to the beat of your heart. What did it matter now? She would still leave. “Kate, just go. I don’t want to do this.”
“Listen to me.”
She walked into your space, her palms finding your waist. Your body reacted to her touch naturally, your fist falling on the top of her chest without meaning to.
“Stop...” You pleaded. She closed the gap between you, the tip of her nose almost touching yours.
“I want you so bad these last few days without you have been a torture. I wish I didn’t want you because then...” She hesitated for a second, her voice stuck in her throat. “It wouldn’t be so hard to leave.”
You wanted to hate her. You wanted to break free from her grip, move on from everything she made you feel. But you were powerless. Your body wasn’t your own. It was only an extension of the rage and sorrow and love coursing through your veins. Without thinking about it, you grabbed her cheeks, making those watery sapphire eyes glance back at you.
“Why are you so set on leaving?” You inquired, genuinely. “You don’t have to. You can stay and be everything you want to be here—with me.”
Kate pressed her cheek to your palm, closing her eyes as she shook her head. It was only then that you felt it. The way her pain mirrored yours. Two different sides of the same coin.
“I can’t,” she simply said, making it clear there was no room for question.
The decision had been made and nothing you said would change it.
Silence overcame you both, a far cry from that night full of laughter and drunken haziness that started everything. It wasn’t often that you dared to question how things have gotten this way, but in that moment, wrapped in the quiet and sorrow and everything this woman made you feel, it was inevitable. You wanted to encapsule the last few months in a snow globe, a safe keep for these memories that would haunt you for as long as you lived.
Kate pressed her forehead to yours, the tips of your noses brushing slightly. You could feel her breath on your lips, the essence of her empowering you.
“Y/N, I want you. I couldn’t leave without making sure you knew that.”
Your lips were trapped in hers before you could even have a chance to think. Your mouth molded perfectly with hers, your arms wrapping around her neck in a simple notion. As much as your brain was screaming at you to not get lost in her, this would be all you would have left. Once she left, the memory of the taste of her lips was all you could cling to. And it was as natural as breathing, following the pace she was setting. Perhaps it was foolish, and it went against everything you had said, but that was all you needed then. For a moment, everything else disappeared.
As all things do, the kiss died down slowly. You pulled away reluctantly under Kate’s expectant gaze. You exhaled deeply, trying to retain the last thread of sanity left in your body. You let go of her, feeling the weight of reality upon your shoulder all of a sudden. You closed your eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“Y/N...” Kate whispered, carefully, and the sound of her voice popped the bubble.
You took a step back, pulling her away from you. “Kate,” you said. “You need to go.”
You didn’t dare to open your eyes to watch her go. You had done it once, when she told you for the first time that she would be leaving. You had no interest in doing so again. You heard the fading steps, the opening and closing of a door. You heard the rumbling in your chest, and you felt the shaking of your shoulders as pain finally overcame you.
You had lost her.
And there was no turning back.