Chapter Text
pete
August 22, 2008 at 10:15 PM
It was nice to see you at the show. Sorry if I made things weird. You guys did great Mikey.
June 5, 2009 at 3:25 AM
Missed Call
Hey you called? I'm trying to call back but the line says it's busy.
You good?
yea hey sorry i was just leaving a uhhh long rambling voice mail message hahaha
i didnt think youd pick up
sorry to bother u
u can totally go back to sleep ahhah
dont worry about it, its so stupid actually
No, hey. I'm up anyway. Couldn't sleep.
me either
3:47 AM
you know what um, im really sory i called mikey this was yeah, i dont know what this ws but i will let you get back to sleep
Wait just, wait a second.
I just had to get my glasses. What's wrong?
ouch mikey. does something always have to be wrong for a man to call his ex at five am? maybe i just missed the sound of your voice
you dont talk enough in interviews mway
some of us rock ourselves to the lullaby of your consonants
when the earth rolls away how will the heavens finally know what you were thinking
You should go back to bed Pete. You'll feel better in the morning.
probably shouldnt fall asleep on asphalt
want an open casket…. how else will everyone admire my devilishly good looks???
Where are you?
went for a walk. couldnt be in our- in the house anymore.
you know when youre somewhere and its like "wow i want to explode all over these walls so at least there will be some part of me someone can see"
wouldnt it be weird if im the one haunting the house?
im the ghost and when i look we're still washing dishes at the sink
I don't remember you doing any dishes.
then i suppose it is an impossible scene isnt it
pigs flying, an honest politician, and us in the same room
Pete
time’s funny. punchline is that there's never enough of it. stingy bitch
That's really…
fucking weird?
I was going to say poetic. But weird suits you. You always make weird work.
do you remember when i would go on those long rambling question sprees
Yeah, you were my Alice in Wonderland.
wondering a lot of things, more so than ever mikey
What kind of things?
do you ever miss
Miss what?
sorry that wasnt supposed to send
What were you going to say?
im not even sure
me? us? What we had? That summer? The summers after where we thought we could beat fate?
do you think there was ever a version of us where we got it right?
Sometimes... maybe it's just the wrong time. It doesn't mean you give up, you just wait. You have to be patience.
I dont think people want to wait that long haha
I did.
I do.
I was waiting for you to call, Pete. You never, you never called me back.
Why would i call you? You walked out mikey. i’m not going to drag you back to me. I dont want to trap you here, especially if youre unhappy. I love you i dont want you to suffer
4:02 AM
why did you leave?
I knwo we fight, we fought, but i always thought we were like one of those couples who takes a lap around the block and then comes home
and you never came back to me mikey
4:17 AM
Pete, I couldn't make you happy.
dont say that
you were the fucking reason i got up some days mikey
Then why were you so unbelievably sad whenever I was around? Pete, you were miserable. I was making you miserable.
remember what Rylee said, about romanticizing the past? try not to fall into what you thought we should have been instead of what we were.
dont tell me what my therapist said i get that shit from everyone but never from you
were you not happy?
If you werent happy you could have said that. I would have done anything to make you happy
you shouldn't have to uproot your whole life for one person.
no, but you make sacrifices when you're in a relationship. youre also important to me
you were really important to me mikey and its really unfair that you think our relationship didn't mean that much to me just because you didn't value it much
I never said that
Don't put words in my mouth.
then talk to me mikey!!! I never knew anything was wrong until it fucking shattered
I dont know what I can say Pete. I dont want to do this with you. It hurts and youre asking me to go digging into a wound thats just now not fucking festering. we shouldnt be texting like this, I know it's going to make you upset
pls mikey i just want answers. one last time. I need to know.
did you love me?
4:36 AM
Where are you?
did you mikey please i need to know
Pete, where are you right now?
its the last thing i need to know
Tell me where you are.
Pete. Are you somewhere safe?
mikey.
please.
if you ever loved me. i just need to hear it
4:59 AM
I do. There is no DID about it.
I love you too, but it's an impossible situation. You're touring, I'm touring. We never see each other. You cant keep a therapist and I cant stop drinking and theres nothing more.
I wanted to do more than move into that sycamore street house. You would joke, talk about moving into suburbia, but it was never a fantasy to me. I wanted that more than anything. I would literally lay in my bunk and think about it, and it would hurt so bad because I had everything I worked so hard for and none of it felt like enough.
I wanted it more than the stage lights, than being in a band.
And thats not fair for everyone else.
Our world is so much bigger than us and i wanted it to work so fucking badly pete, dont you dare ever say i didnt, but at the end if the day i was hurting you. I would leave and you would spiral and i cant
Do you know how that felt?
I couldnt do my job because i was worried sick of you were okay and joe would call me asking if i knew where you were and you were hiking barefoot in the hills?
thats my boyfriend out there and i was stuck in fucking ohio wondering if i was going to make it back to you in time
5:17 AM
It’s okay if you just need this to be a one night thing. I’m okay to pretend this didn’t happen because I get it. I really do, Pete. I know how bad the thoughts can get.
So we can, I don’t know… shake this off and pretend it wasn't anything, if that's what you want
But don't say I didn't care.
I don't know how NOT to care for you.
5:22 AM
What do you want mikey?
You're the one who called me. I’m afraid you're gonna have to make that decision.
What do you want Pete?
5:32 AM
Pete?
Pete answer me
Are you okay?
Pete I'm going to call Patrick if you don’t answer. You’re scaring me
I was pretending everything was fine. I knew shit was fucked but i was afraid that of i looked at it i wouldnt be able to fix it and just like everything else in my life, i would ruin it. And i couldnt stand the thought of you hating me mikey. It kept me up at night, waking up in a world where you didnt know me, who i really was because then, who would actually fucking know im not what they say about me? Would i cease to exist?
You were better than anyone because you are so unapologetically yourself even when it hurts you, even when you feel like you have to drown the pain with fucking booze its because you care and want the best for everyone but yourself. And i wanted to be the one person who could make you have a good easy life. I was selfish because i knew it was going to be hard for us but i just wanted to be around you and touch you and care for you the way no one fuck else was doing
It made me feel real. Getting to worry about you. Help you through the night. Going to breakfast and watching the sunrise. I want to feel like i matter, and i felt like i did when i was with you
i cant fix that pete
I know, but i wanted to be better when i was around you. I wanted to be better for you, when i couldnt be for myself
I cant be the only reason you want to live, thats unfair to me
I know that too. but sometimes i want to stick around because everything else feels more important than I am.
You have to understand that much
I do
I dont want to keep living like this mikey. I want to be happy. I want to be with you.
I want to try again, and again and again with you, if youd let us
We cant just go back and pretend none of this happened
oh
I mean we have to be better, not just you but me – at a lot of things. We have to get help, both of us, otherwise we are just going to end up back here.
We're going to fight but we have to do it right this time
I don't want to make the same mistakes mikey. I want to make this work. I want US to work.
I can't promise you that it will
but I can buy you some breakfast?
let's start there?
what kind of breakfast would this be?
I don't know. what are you feeling?
sometimes we eat pancakes with our friends, but I wouldn't eat waffles with andy, you know?
I'm saying i can't eat pancakes with you mikey
It's not in my DNA
Waffles. It's a waffle breakfast Pete.
Let me come pick you up. You still like four sugars?
I do
excellent. I'm on my way.
okay
okay :)
6:05 AM
hey
I'm really glad you called me Pete.
me too