Chapter Text
2186 CE
As Shepard awoke she felt the arms around her tighten; she’d been dreaming again. She didn’t dream often but when she did she was haunted by the faces of those they’d lost, those they’d failed to save. Their screams and pleas for help echoed in her mind. She’d learnt a long time ago that saving everyone was impossible. It wasn’t easy, knowing that. As hard as she tried, there would be casualties, there always were. No mission went without fatalities. There’d be some they’d call successful, but Shepard didn’t doubt that those in mourning of the dead would disagree.
But then there were missions like the last. The ones that were the opposite of successful. The Crew’s morale was low, and Shepard found herself constantly reminding them they had a lead, that Sanctuary was their best bet on finding Kai Leng and beating Cerberus to the punch. But it didn’t matter how many times she repeated her words; the fall of Thessia had taken its toll on her as well and she knew they saw it. Anderson had told her to shake it off and she’d said she would, but they’d been so close to stopping the war, and under her responsibility, they’d lost Thessia, and Cerberus had overtaken.
Shepard lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling and failing to lure herself back into sleep. After hours of trying, she resigned. She pressed a light kiss to Liara’s cheek before sitting up, careful not to wake her, and headed to the bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water and wiped it dry before catching a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She was tired, the dark circles around her eyes made that clear. She stood and started at herself, and the longer she did, the clearer her mental state became. Staying strong around the crew was draining her. If they saw her weak, they’d lose hope.
“Shepard. Is everything alright?” Liara’s voice was concerned as she entered the bathroom a while later.
“Yeah, Liara, I’m fine, I just couldn’t sleep.” She turned and smiled weakly at the Asari but knew she could see through the lie. Liara took her hand and Shepard followed her out of the small room and sat down next to her on the bed.
“It’s Thessia again, isn’t it?” Liara asked, tentatively, running her thumb across the back of Shepard’s hand.
Shepard sighed. “I screwed up.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could.”
“It wasn’t good enough. If we’d have gotten there sooner, I-” She pulled her hand from Liara’s and dropped her head to her palms. “I could’ve kept us from this mess.”
“You couldn’t have known Cerberus would be there, Shepard.” Liara said, as she moved closer and put an arm around her shoulders, holding Shepard close against her. “We’re doing everything we can for the refugees, they appreciate our help. We’ll find Kai Leng, we’ll take down Cerberus, and the Reapers. You’re not in this alone.”
Shepard lifted her head and pressed a light kiss to Liara’s lips. “I know. We’re a team. All of us.”
“And we have the Quarian, the Krogan, the Turian. Shepard, there are so many people willing to help in this fight,” Liara smiled. “But we’re not fighting it now, you need rest.”
“Yeah,” Shepard reluctantly agreed as they lay back down and Liara encased her in her arms. “Easier said than done, though.”
Shepard didn’t sleep, there was too much running through her mind. She got up after Liara fell back into a peaceful slumber and sat at her desk, skimming though mission files, dossiers. It wasn’t until morning that she found the book. The only thing from her childhood that had survived. It held stories that had meant much to her when she was young; stories that had influenced her future, shaped her decisions. She’d forgotten about it, with everything that was going on, how could she not have?
Liara woke as Shepard was turning through the pages, rereading their words, reliving their memories.
“What’s this?” Liara asked, wrapping her arms around Shepard’s neck from behind.
Shepard smiled. “Did I ever tell you why I joined the Alliance?”
“No, I don’t think you did.”
Shepard moved over to the bed and sat down with her legs crossed, the book closed in front of her. “Joker set a course for Sanctuary last night. If you wanna know, I guess we’ve got some time.”