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It took Merlin almost three whole days to get back to Camelot, and he didn't do any effort to hurry. He dreaded coming back, dreaded seeing the place he had called home for so long. Arthur had become such a big part of Merlin's life that he essentially had become the closest thing to home.
Merlin knew he wouldn't stay, there was no way he'd be able to walk the halls of the castle without being reminded of the king he'd served, in every step, every stone, and every turned corner. No, he'd leave, maybe go back to Ealdor, back to his mother. After all, maybe living a simple farmer's life without any contact from other villages was just what he needed. Far away from chainmail, armour and red cloaks, far away from memories.
But for now, he was going back. He still had several good friends among the knights, and he wasn't going to leave Gaius without at least thanking him for everything he had done.
As Merlin got closer to the castle, he started meeting people who recognized him as the king's servant. He left their questions unanswered, wanting Guinevere to be the first one to find out. In all honesty, Merlin didn't know if he would ever be able to speak the words that had to be said.
He didn't have to. The Queen met him on the stairs, and as she looked into Merlin's eyes she saw that they had lost their bright and sparkle, and she knew. Just like she would have back in the days when she was nothing but a serving girl, she threw her arms around Merlin's neck. They stood there, the servant and the Queen as equals, for they had both lost someone they loved.
The commotion attracted attention and a few minutes later Sir Leon came out to urge them both to go inside. Upon entering the castle, Sir Percival joined them.
"Merlin! I thought I heard-". He was cut short by the look on their faces, instantly understanding that the worst had happened. For a moment the knight was overcome with grief, it seemed to him as if he would never stop losing the people he cared most about. First his family, after that came Lancelot, and now his more recent losses seemed so unfair. He shook his head and decided that this couldn't wait.
"Merlin, I have to speak to you immediately. Alone."
He put an arm around the young man's shoulders as if to shield him from what was to come, and guided him to an empty chamber.
"I know that this is probably not a good time at all, but you're going to find out and I wanted to be the one to tell you.."
Instinctively, Merlin knew.
"Gwaine..." he sighed weakly.
It wasn't a question, but Percival answered anyway.
"Yes.. I am truly sorry, I know the two of you were very close.. I'm so sorry."
Merlin was surprised to see the knight with tears in his eyes, but they held each other, crying for the friend they had lost. In the space between them was the shape of Gwaine, his voice, his jokes and his love for apples. Percival talked about their quest to hunt Morgana down, and how they had tried to stop her. Upon finding out that Gwaine had been Morgana's last victim, Merlin wished for a second that he'd made her suffering a bit longer, but shook the thought away before it grew roots. He then came to realise that Gwaine had truly sacrificed himself to try and win some time for Merlin and Arthur, and it just wasn't fair that he'd lost them both.
Percival sat in silence until Merlin excused himself and left.
The instant Merlin entered his chambers, he found himself wrapped in a tight hug and a relieved sob in his ear;
"Merlin, you're back! I didn't know if I was ever going to see you again!"
"I am, and I'm fine, but Arthur..-"
"Shhh.." Gaius interrupted him. "I saw the Queen's reaction, I figured it out. And I'm really sorry Merlin, but none the less, I'm glad that I got you back "
Despite being served his favourite meal, Merlin could barely eat at all. Instead, he told Gaius about his future plans. He knew it was difficult for the old man to hide his feelings and instead nod and give his blessing, and he appreciated it.
They promised to meet again, and thanked each other for making life richer over the past ten years.
The next morning, Merlin went to say goodbye to the Queen. He met with her in the throne room, where Artur's throne was still standing proudly, waiting for a king who would never come to claim it.
Guinevere too, was sad to see her friend leave, but she understood. For a moment, she wished she had the same chance, but her love for the people of Camelot was too great.
"I have only one thing to ask from you, my lady. Remember me. You don't have to but.. I would like to know that I made a difference to someone, that I..affected someone's life, despite the result.."
Guinevere nodded. Of course she would remember him, the man who had stood by Arthur's side for so many years, and been a good friend to them both.
As Merlin was about to leave for the last time, the Queen stopped him.
"Merlin, wait! You must know that I will never...we will never forget you and everything you have done.. No one will ever forget you. I have just signed a law for lifting the ban on magic. You have made all the difference, Merlin.."
If Merlin was shocked to find out that the Queen knew his secret, he didn't show it. Instead he wept, over friends and loved ones he'd lost, over his home, over all the pain he felt at the moment. A pain no magic could fix. But he also wept for his lifelong dream coming true. Over were the days when sorcerers would have to suffer and die for a gift they had been born with. And Merlin wept because it was too late for both him and Arthur to experience it themselves.
"Thank you, my Queen."
"No Merlin. Thank you."