Work Text:
She wasn’t quite sure how it began. Raven had never really given much attention to what she found attractive. Starfire often rattled on and on about Robin’s glorious eyes or how muscular Robin’s arms were, not that Raven had ever asked.
Raven had never entertained the idea that these things were attractive. I mean, so what if Robin had muscles, he was a superhero. He was supposed to. Sure, she could understand the appeal, to some degree, but never the one to dwell on such frivolous matters, she had simply never thought too far into it.
Yet here she sat during movie night. Staring. Embarrassingly entranced, memorising Beast Boy’s hands. The TV screen provided the only light in the room illuminating his movements. Beast Boy leaned back into the couch in his pyjamas and somehow the Mega Monkeys design didn’t dissuade her eyes.
Every time she managed to pull her gaze away from him and back to the action movie Cyborg had picked out, her eyes would catch him cracking a knuckle or tapping his slender fingers against his leg. The way his fingers danced across each other, green skin, flexing his veins had her transfixed. She pulled her hood tighter over her head, hoping no one could see how she was completely ignoring the movie in favour of drooling over Beast Boy’s hands.
Perhaps she had grown curious over what Starfire had spoken of last time she had successfully dragged Raven into her room for some ‘girl talk’. She had gotten embarrassed when Starfire asked her what she found attractive in a man and Raven couldn’t think of a single thing. Her skin had flushed red, and she had ached to pull her hood up over her face, but she had left it in her room when Starfire dragged her out of it.
She wasn’t sure what had her so embarrassed. It was a known fact that Raven had never dated anyone let alone kissed someone. Raven had thought she would destroy the world, she never thought she’d have the time to look at boys.
Honestly, she never allowed herself to ‘check out’ boys, she was too busy. After years of suppression, she guessed she had just never started to either.
If she was being honest to herself, the reason she was so embarrassed was because her incapability to answer was a direct result of her own ignorance on the subject. If she were to look back, Aqualad had been attractive, she supposed, but she didn’t know what it was about him that made her blush. She couldn’t place what about him she had liked.
It wasn’t Starfire’s fault that Raven had lay awake that night obsessing about it, but Raven was starting to resent her for it anyway.
She began thinking about Aqualad, she had liked how he was taller than her. That was nice, she supposed. Starfire had talked intently about Robin’s arms, maybe she had liked his arms. He was rather lean.
“Oh, friend Raven,” she gushed, “When his arms are around me, I feel comfort”. She had looked over at Raven shyly, a blush gracing her cheeks. “His strength is most attractive, especially when we are making lov-”.
Raven had cut her off at that point. Robin was practically her brother, and she didn’t need to know what he and Star got up to in their own time.
On the topic of strength, Raven had thought of Cyborg. He was muscular and strong and plenty of girls seemed to find him attractive based on the string of dates he had been going on recently. But Cyborg was practically her older brother and whilst she could understand Robin and him were good looking, she couldn’t quite appreciate it.
That’s when her mind had drifted to Beast Boy.
Beast Boy had grown significantly in the past few years. When Raven had stopped growing, he had started. He now towered over her. The training sessions Robin puts them through had been paying off, and his own extra workout routine didn’t hurt.
Now at 19, Beast Boy was all sharp lines and charm. She thought of his arms. She liked his lean, toned muscles much more than Cyborg’s bulk. The way his muscles rippled beneath his green skin when he stretched before training, his shirt lifting up just enough for a peak at his abdomen was etched into her brain.
The more Raven thought about it, the more she wondered how long she had been paying attention to his abdomen. She wondered what his shoulders would feel like. She wondered how strong he was.
As Raven began to drift asleep, she thought of his hands. She had never considered the fact his hands were big, or at least bigger than hers. She wondered how his hands would fit in hers, how it would feel, if she would like it.
So maybe she knew exactly how it began.
It began with Starfire’s innocent question during their ‘girl talk’. Then evolved into Raven thinking about what she liked. Then finding out that Beast Boy was kind of fitting into that category.
And then ending with the realisation that Beast Boy was objectively attractive. With his muscular arms, and his goofy smile, and boyish good looks and his hands that could look nice holding her own.
Raven pulled her eyes away from Beast Boy and back to the film, wrapping her cloak around her as she shivered.
Oh Azar, was she fucked.
When Raven woke up the next morning, she chalked the previous night's thoughts up to tiredness or a brief stint in insanity. It was 8:00am which meant she had time to grab some tea and meditate before being bombarded with green hands. With all the changes that Raven had noticed in Beast Boy, it was nice to know that some things remained the same and unless Robin forced him to wake up for training, Beast Boy would remain asleep till at least 11:00am.
Raven decided she needed to get her head straight. Beast Boy did not deserve to be ogled because Raven had discovered he ticked the boxes of her metaphorical list. She got out of bed as quick as she could and threw herself through her door in an effort to get a quick start to the new day.
It took her a moment to register that she had run into something hard and just as she was about to fall back, two hands grabbed her waist. Two hands gripped her waist, tightly, preventing her from toppling over.
In her haste to leave her room she had forgotten to change into her uniform and Raven was regretting it. Instead of her skin being separated from his hands by the thick fabric of her cloak, his hands were placed right upon where her tank top stopped, and her pyjama bottoms began.
She could feel his fingers pressing into her skin, she could only imagine the green contrasting her pale skin.
The palm of his hands sat right on her hip and his thumbs pressed into both sides of her stomach in order to keep her still. Her hands fell to his chest, and she could feel the heat radiating from beneath his t-shirt. Beast Boy had always run hot.
“Shit, Rae, where are you going in such a hurry?” Beast Boy laughed, almost knocking her over with his smirk.
His hands still rested on her hips and her hands on his chest. He looked down at her and their faces were far too close together for Raven to think clearly. He raised his eyebrow at her delayed response. Raven’s cheeks began to heat up and she quickly removed herself from his hands, backing up towards her door.
“It’s Ra-ven” she snapped, before opening her door and retreating back to the safety of her room.
She briefly caught a glimpse of him, green eyes gazing at her with confusion before her door shut. She felt bad for snapping at him when none of this was his fault. Well technically it was but he didn’t know that.
Raven sat back down on her bed, attempting to calm her breathing as her heart fluttered in her chest. She could still feel the heat of his hands and the more she thought about it the more her face heated up.
When had he gotten so strong and steady? She shook her head, shaking away the feeling of his hands on her waist.
Her mind betrayed her, and images of tall, lean Beast Boy flashed through her mind. This was all his fault. These are not thoughts you should have about your teammate and friend, especially not one who slept in the room opposite yours. These are incredibly bad thoughts that made her head dizzy.
There was no way she’d be able to get her tea with him in the common room now, not without splintering a kitchen cabinet. In order to preserve her sanity, she would have to settle for tea-less meditation. Thanks a lot Beast Boy.
Raven had a lot to meditate about. Her sudden attraction to her green teammate was going to be a problem and how she was going to operate with her newfound fascination was a mystery to her.
The next few days went by without interference from any green hands. Raven had started to think that maybe it was all just a bad dream or some sort of short-lived fantasy.
Sure, Beast Boy was attractive, she had unfortunately come to that conclusion. But Beast Boy and her were just friends. Good Friends. They had grown significantly closer in recent years, and she was proud to say they had come a long way from their childish bickering. Nowadays, their arguments were entirely surface level. More often than not, Beast Boy would respond to her sarcastic comments with a witty retort of his own. Bickering had turned to light-hearted teasing.
Raven did not want to ruin that with her little infatuation.
So, what if Beast Boy was good looking. That was irrelevant and Raven would not continue to look. Beast Boy could continue to be attractive without Raven’s appreciation.
After this morning's breakfast, Raven had headed straight back to her room to meditate. She did not know how long she spent chanting to herself but after a while she decided on another cup of tea. That was a mistake.
Raven uncrossed her legs and placed them on her bedroom carpet. Hoping that no one would be in there, Raven levitated to the common room and headed straight for the kettle.
Unlucky for her, sitting on the couch playing some mindless video game was Beast Boy and Cyborg.
“Heya, Rae” Beast Boy threw over his shoulder almost immediately upon her entrance, quickly shifting his gaze to her and then back to the screen.
Cyborg greeted her half-mindedly, remaining highly focused on the game. Fake cars zoomed on the TV screen; this must be the racing game Beast Boy had been raving about for weeks. He must have finally got his hands on it.
Raven nodded back before making a quick job of putting on the kettle and distracting herself from their loud trash-talk. She grabbed some camomile tea from its box and her favourite mug.
Her mind quickly drifted back to Beast Boy. The mug had been a gift he’d given her for Secret Santa last Christmas. It was a fancy glass mug with a gold handle, it had delicately painted dark blue flowers and leaves dancing up the glass.
It came in a set of three, the others just as beautiful but in green and purple. This one, however, she always chose if available. Raven recalled how nervous he had been handing her the badly wrapped gift.
“I tried to get you something you could use,” he rambled, “and you like tea, so I was gonna get you tea but that seemed too boring.” His hand had gone to his neck, rubbing it nervously as his ears twinged slightly red.
He handed her the gift with reluctance. She had carefully unwrapped the present as the rest of the Titans stared at her, eager to see what the Beast Boy had come up with.
She looked at the box and opened it to see the three beautiful cups carefully placed upon some sort of shredded paper. She picked up the blue one and held it to the light, humming slightly to herself, not loud enough for her teammates to notice.
“So, Rae, whatcha think?” Beast Boy had asked her, not meeting her eyes. Raven took a moment before responding.
“Thank you, Beast Boy, they are very lovely” she had said softly.
The interaction had started to feel a bit more delicate than before; it was a shame the rest of the Titans were staring at them. It had felt nice to be known by her friend. She felt touched that he had gotten her something she would actually use, something that meant he had truly thought about what she would want, even if it was tea.
“You’re welcome”, he said, looking up at her.
Starfire had clapped, a grin splitting across her face.
“Beast Boy, that was the most thoughtful of you” she said, taking a look in the box.
Robin and Cyborg nodded in agreement. Cyborg clapped Beast Boy on the back before quickly moving on to his own gift he had purchased for Starfire. Raven’s eyes remained on the cup as she twirled it around to look at all the brush strokes. She looked up to see Beast Boy’s eyes on her. He offered a big grin before turning around to the rest of the Titans.
She primarily used the cups Beast Boy had gotten her. The fact that he always brightened up when he saw one of the cups in her hand was just an added bonus.
“BOOYAH!” Cyborg yelled, dropping his controller onto the couch as he jumped up with glee. Beast Boy's loss wasn’t evident on his face as he smiled up at his friend.
“No way man, we said best out of three” Beast Boy responded, loading up the next round, “I still have a chance, tin man”.
“That’s big talk from someone who just lost, grass stain” Cyborg said, sitting back down on the couch and readying his controller.
It was ridiculous how seriously they took their games, definitely equal to how serious they took their battles. Raven turned to her kettle, water heated and poured it into the cup alongside the tea bag.
Her gaze drifted back to the two boys playing on the couch. Beast Boy’s eyebrows had scrunched in concentration and his hands moved quickly across the controller. She had never cared for video games, always rejecting his offers to play, but suddenly she had a vested interest in the mechanism of his controller. How his fingers deftly moved from button to button, rough hands gripping the controller as he had her hips only a few days ago.
Strong and steady, words she had now used twice in relation to him. She had never quite thought she could view him in such a manner but now that she had she couldn’t quite look away.
His thumb twisted the joystick harshly and heat rose in her ears. She said she wasn’t going to think of him like that, he was simply playing video games, she couldn’t just objectify him. He wasn’t an object for her to gawk at, he was sweet, caring, un-funny Beast Boy. Her eyes traced along the material of his uniform, up along his arm and shoulders before landing on his face. She liked his face.
The race seemed to be closing to an end, he leaned forward even more, grip tightening around the controller. Raven still couldn’t rip her eyes away when suddenly he whooped loudly.
“In your face, rust bucket, I win!” he threw his hands up in the air and his shirt rose with them. Green skin exposed, once again. Raven’s eyes fell back down immediately, and she could feel the red tint spreading across her cheeks.
Suddenly, a loud crack echoed across the room as Beast Boy's controller split in half. The boys whipped around to look at her, concern and confusion evident on their faces. She felt bad about their controller but at least it wasn’t her cup.
Raven removed her tea bag from her cup, picked it up gently in her hands and walked out of the room with not as much as a sound.
It was much worse than she had previously thought. She wasn’t just attracted to Beast Boy; she actually liked him.
Raven spent the better half of that night staring at the ceiling willing herself to sleep. She had no idea what time it was, and her thoughts were consumed by the green changeling.
She thought of his smile and how his fang, even now, slightly poked out when he grinned widely. She thought of his capacity to always see the brightside, no matter the situation. A quality she once resented but had grown to need, she never realised how much she depended on him. He was always there to pull her out of the dark.
She thought of how he had grown up, both mentally and physically. She thought of his uniform, now red and white, and how it stretched across his arms and shoulders hinting at the muscles hidden beneath. He now stood taller than her and carried himself with confidence. She considered how he had changed so much yet stayed so very the same.
Sleep would not come to her anytime soon. Raven got up from her bed and grabbed her cloak. She walked towards the common room again, if this is what her nights were going to be like from now on, she would be going through a lot of tea.
Raven’s streak of bad luck continued. When she entered the room, she barely made out the figure sitting on the couch. Sat in the dark was the green changeling, his head rested in his hands.
Beast Boy did not look up at her entrance. Raven debated turning around and heading back to her room. She wasn’t sure if he knew she was there and chose to ignore her or if he was simply too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice. His shoulders were hunched, tension held tightly in his back. She cleared her throat, and his head whipped around to the sound.
Beast Boy opened his mouth in an effort to say something. His green eyes stared into her own, searching across her face. She wondered what he was thinking when he looked at her. What her expression could mean to him.
“Do you want some tea?” Raven asked him tentatively. She was his friend first and foremost. She couldn’t avoid him and, truthfully, she didn’t want to. She wanted to provide him comfort when he was distressed. She wasn’t sure how she could, but she could offer him this.
He nodded his head and Raven floated past him turning on a light. She refilled the kettle as he made his way from the couch to the kitchen counter, taking a seat across from where she was placing the two remaining cups from her set. She grabbed two tea bags and placed them in the cups. Neither of them spoke.
Beast Boy tapped on the counter as he waited. Tap, tap, tap.
The motions were comfortable. Raven grabbed the kettle and filled up the cups. She grabbed the honey from the press and placed it in front of him. Waiting a few more moments before using a spoon to remove the bags. Grabbing the cups, she walked around to his side of the counter and sat next to him.
Beast Boy’s eyes followed her hands as she placed the sage flowered cup in front of him. He reached for the cup but instead grabbed the hand she had placed on the counter. His thumb softly swept across her knuckles.
“Thank you” he spoke softly. His eyes lingering on her wrist.
“It’s just tea,” Raven responded as casually as she could. Her heart felt as though it was pounding. She hoped it wasn’t so loud he could hear.
He laughed, shaking his head.
“No, it’s not” his eyes drifted up to hers as he spoke. He let go of her hand, reaching for the honey and pouring it into the cup. Raven’s hands shook slightly as she lifted her own to her lips. This interaction was far too soft and lovely for her to handle.
“I had a nightmare, and I couldn’t go back to sleep” explained Beast Boy, “It was stupid”. He took a long gulp of his tea and continued, “it left me with a pit in my chest, so I came out here to play a game or watch tv till I passed out but instead I-”
“Sat in the dark, all alone, spiralling into a hole?” Raven smirked at him as a blush graced his cheeks.
“Not my smartest move, I guess,” he smiled back at her.
Raven took it in. It was a nice smile, his dimples on show.
“You can always wake me up if you need company” Raven found herself saying. His smile widened slightly before he shook his head.
“I wouldn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep with little old me”.
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop herself, “you already do”. Before Beast Boy could question what, she meant, Raven grabbed their empty cups and brought them to the sink.
“I’m going to head back to bed now, are you coming?” Raven asked as she made her way past the counter towards the door.
Beast Boy got up and followed her out of the common room. They walked along the corridor together in silence once again.
Beast Boy’s hand occasionally brushed against hers and Raven couldn’t figure out if he meant to do so or if it was her own yearning. They reached Raven’s door and paused in front of it, both reluctant to say goodnight. Raven went to speak but Beast Boy wrapped his arms tightly around her waist pulling her into his chest.
“Night, Rae” he mumbled to her. She felt her heart stutter and a loud crack and bang from her room. Raven stood shocked for a second, hoping his ears would not pick up on the noise.
She slowly placed her arms around his neck. Her hands brushed against the hair at the nape of his neck. She allowed herself to rest her head against his chest.
“Goodnight Gar” she whispered back.
He tightened the hug slightly before letting go. He stepped away from her, her skin felt cold from his absence.
She lingered at her door watching him enter his own room. She turned into hers and saw her books in disarray on the floor. Her bookshelf was split down the centre, shelves were hanging by a thread. There was no hope of sleep now, not with her heart racing as fast as it was.
Raven’s magic had not behaved so uncontrollably in a long time. The embarrassment of asking Cyborg to build her a new bookshelf was almost not worth the hug. This crush was snowballing more than she should have allowed it to. The final straw was when the team had dinner together the week before.
For some reason when they moved into the tower Beast Boy had claimed the seat right next to her for their first team dinner. Little did she know it would become the fixed seating arrangement for the rest of their lives. At the time it mildly irritated her and now it proved to be testing her limits.
Cyborg took his turn cooking them all dinner after their fight with Mumbo Jumbo, considering the only three allowed cooks in the kitchen were himself, Robin and Beast Boy, this was a usual occurrence. Unfortunately, that meant Raven was on dish duty.
Raven was the last to arrive at the table and took her seat next to Beast Boy, who was arguing with Cyborg about the meatball aspect of spaghetti and meatballs despite Cyborg making him his own portion sans the meat.
“Dude, you know I’ve been a cow,” Beast Boy pointed his fork at Cyborg with his eyes squinted, “how can you eat that after literally seeing me as an adorable cow?” Raven’s eyes paused at his hand for a moment, then looked towards Cyborg.
“Easy, like this” Cyborg lifted the meatball to his mouth and made a dramatic display of him enjoying it, with a grin splitting across his face.
“Friend Beast Boy, do not take it personal but the meat-balls are the reason for this dish being so delicious, are they not?” Starfire giggled at his actions, drenching her own food in mustard.
“These soya meatballs are basically the same thing minus the heart-wrenching betrayal,” Beast Boy grumbled in response to the two.
“They are called MEAT-balls not soya-balls, greenie” Cyborg emphasised his point.
Beast Boy stuck his tongue out in retaliation. Robin shook his head from the head of the table while smiling. Raven met his eyes across the table, shaking her head back, some things never did change.
Beast Boy lowered his fork in defeat and began twirling his spaghetti around it. Raven had yet to contribute to the conversation and as usual, Beast Boy took notice leaning over to her and knocking their shoulders together. His eyes locked with hers and he gave her a smile.
The simple touch sent a wave of panic through her and her bowl of spaghetti blew up. Red sauce and strings of spaghetti decorated the table and ceiling. A single meatball had landed directly in Beast Boy’s bowl, and no one had been spared from the fallout of the explosion.
Raven stood up from the table abruptly, pulling her hood over her head as quickly as she could.
“I need to go meditate” she stated calmly, as though she hadn't just covered all her friends in their dinner.
She turned around as quickly as she could to leave the room, barely acknowledging her friends' concerned faces and questions. She heard Robin yelling her name, but she kept walking.
It was at that moment she made up her mind. In the best interest of the Titan’s clothes and belongings, Raven must seclude herself to her room until further notice. At least she got out of dish duty.
Raven did her best not to alarm her teammates. She still went out for breakfast and got her tea, but she would always make sure it was quick and efficient. She avoided any interaction with the shapeshifter unless necessary, making sure to steer clear of meals, preferring to eat on her own. She’d check hallways before going down them to avoid the chance of his arm brushing off of her. She could not handle another embarrassing exhibit of her lack of control around the green boy.
She was so desperate to avoid him, she had even taken up Star’s offer to go shopping yesterday in order to escape the tower for a few hours. Her best friend’s gleeful expression when she had accepted had been an added bonus to the deal.
As subtle as Raven thought she had been, her avoidance did not go unnoticed. After a week or so of this, she was finally cornered.
Raven had awoken and immediately ran to grab a cup of tea and some toast in the kitchen before retreating back to her room. Robin had nodded to her from his place at the counter, coffee cup in one hand and newspaper in the other. Raven nodded back, hoping that would be the end of their conversation.
“Good morning,” he spoke, before taking a sip of his coffee.
He didn’t look up from his newspaper, but Raven knew from his feigned indifference that he was trying to broach a carefully planned out conversation. A conversation about her, and her feelings.
“I feel like I have rarely seen you this week” He said, meeting her eyes and raising his eyebrow, “How has the meditation been, you’ve been doing a lot more of it recently?”
“It’s good,” Raven said, turning around to face him.
“Raven” Robin’s impression grew more serious, “Is everything ok?”. Raven went to interrupt him, but he continued, “Beast Boy mentioned the controller incident and the other day with dinner, is something bothering you?”
Raven felt bad, she knew he was trying to be a good friend, but she would rather die than mention that the reason she kept blowing things up and hiding was because the changeling was ruining her life. Imagine how that conversation would go.
‘Sorry, Robin, I just realised I want to kiss my friend so badly that it has made me lose all self-control. Oh, by the way, being near him makes me want to self-combust and therefore I have to avoid all interactions with him’.
That would go over so well.
Raven contemplated her response, “It’s personal”.
Robin's face managed to contort into some weird combination of concern and unease. He didn’t know if he should push for more information or allow Raven to avoid this conversation.
“Can I do anything to help?” he asked earnestly.
Raven felt terrible, she really hadn’t meant to concern him or anyone else. She still didn’t know how she was going to handle her newfound affection. She had never wanted anything like this before. What she wanted she was unsure of. But she knew it was something she had to carefully consider.
“No” Raven said, noticing Robin’s expression she continued, “There’s nothing you can do but thank you, I just need some time to get my thoughts in order”.
She threw in a “It’s really not a big deal, I promise” for good measure.
Robin seemed to accept this answer and took another sip of his coffee.
“We are all here if you need anything” Robin finished and continued reading his newspaper, “Did you see that crime has dropped in Jump City by 6% since last year” Robin swiftly changed the topic.
Raven rolled her eyes and walked out the door.
Raven returned to her room and realised she had gotten neither her toast nor her tea. Her head was all over the place and it was all Beast Boy’s fault. She needed to find some solution before this got worse. If she lost control of her powers while battling a villain, it could be dangerous. She had been lucky the past few weeks with only minor inconveniences from the likes of Plasmus and Cinderblock but what if the next time she wasn’t so lucky.
Raven settled in the middle of her room and started meditating.
“Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos”
She attempted to clear her mind and focus on her mantra. Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos. She needed to ignore all outside distractions. Green distractions. She wasn’t even sure what she should do. Obviously, she liked Beast Boy. She was attracted to him. She liked the feeling of his arms around her, and she liked the way he smiled at her and the way her stomach fluttered when he looked her way. That she knew.
But could Beast Boy ever feel that way about her? He didn’t exactly have a long list of girls she could compare herself to, much like herself it seemed he hadn’t had the time to put himself out there. There was Terra. Bubbly, blonde and beautiful. She was the complete opposite of Raven. She laughed at his jokes and liked all the same things he did. She was kind of perfect for him, if you ignore the whole Slade's apprentice thing. Raven knew that Terra was only one girl, but if that was what he wanted, Raven couldn’t be further from it.
Beast Boy and her had virtually nothing in common. Raven wasn’t the kind of girl who could be as open and outward as she felt. Bubbly, blonde and beautiful were not the words anyone would use to describe her. Raven wasn’t insecure about herself; she thought was pretty. But she was sarcastic, quiet and could blow up a bowl of spaghetti with one wrong move.
Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos.
Beast Boy was her friend, though. They got along and trusted each other with their lives. That she knew.
He did care for Raven. He always checked up on her and included her even when she didn’t want him too. He had come to understand her more in recent years as she did him. He lowered the volume of the TV so she could read in the common room while he played his games. He learnt how to make her tea and remembered her favourite types.
But that didn’t mean anything. Beast Boy was just like that. Kind, caring, considerate. He had always been but, with age, he had learnt that not everyone was cheered up the way he was. He went out of his way to learn how to cheer them up. He’d watch all of Fast and Furious with Cyborg when he needed a distraction from his phantom pains, he’d help Starfire bake whatever Tamaranean dish she wanted when she was homesick, he even sparred with Robin when he needed to be torn away from the evidence room after spiralling.
Raven took a deep breath.
Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos.
What did Raven even want from this crush? Sure, she had missed his presence this past week. She felt hurt that he hadn't come to drag her out of her room by now. She missed hanging out with him. She missed watching Animal Planet with him and listening to him rattle off about his random animal facts. She missed him questioning her about her most recent book and pretending to be interested in it.
She wanted to be around him. She liked being around him. She wanted to do all those things again except, maybe, with his arm around her. Maybe she wanted to hold his hand sometimes and lay her head on his shoulder. She wanted to be able to kiss him good night and good morning. She wanted all of it with the added bonus of saying he was hers.
Oh, Azar.
Raven’s eyes shot open, and she fell to the ground.
She wanted to date Beast Boy. She wanted to be his girlfriend. She wanted to kiss him, often. Fuck.
Raven hesitated in front of the door. Knocking on this door would go against her very nature. Even worse, knocking on this door would mean admitting this crush on Beast Boy wasn’t going away. It meant letting her crush on Beast Boy be acknowledged by someone else. Alas, Raven didn’t know what else to do.
She readied herself, raised her hand to the door and knocked twice. The door opened and there stood a confused red-haired alien.
“Friend Raven, are you the a-okay?” Starfire asked sincerely.
“Star, I was wondering if you wanted to do ‘girl-talk’?” Raven responded, looking everywhere but at the alien.
Starfire’s squeal answered her question immediately and somehow, she ended up surrounded by snacks and pillows. The girls sat crossed legged on the floor of Star’s room in front of each other. Starfire gently painted Raven’s nails a dark blue shade.
“I am very pleased you wanted to do this, friend Raven, I have read it is an important ritual for human female friendships” Starfire said, “that I usually ask you to partake in” she added, teasing her friend.
Raven felt her cheeks heat up at Starfire’s observation. She really didn’t know what she hoped to achieve from this session of ‘girl talk’ but Starfire was the only person she could be capable of sharing this with. Starfire viewed ‘girl talk’ as a sacred ritual between girls and nothing that was ever said during could be repeated outside of it.
“I wanted to talk to you about something” Raven began nervously, “I have been having these feelings this past while and, well, I-”, she worried at her bottom lip.
Starfire was looking at her intently but made no move to speak. Starfire nodded at her reassuringly, urging her to continue.
“I can’t keep a handle on my powers because of these feelings, it’s like I am always unsure or overwhelmed and yet, I, well, I mean-” Raven stuttered, “-I kind of just want to hold his hand” she finished bluntly.
Starfire picked up her other hand and began painting it. Raven kept her eyes glued to her movement; the dark blue shade had a sparkle to it as Starfire carefully painted it across her nail.
“You mean friend Beast Boy, correct?” Starfire asked.
Raven nodded her head still looking at her hand. She was afraid to look at Starfire, then the girl would see the blush littered across Raven’s face.
“You have the feelings towards friend Beast Boy, and you have come looking for instructions?” she emphasised the word, just as Raven had, as she questioned Raven.
Raven always forgot how perceptive Star could be, particularly when it came to the feelings.
“Do you wish to tell friend Beast Boy about the feelings?” she continued.
Raven finally looked up at Starfire, who was gazing back earnestly. Raven let out a sigh and shrugged.
“I don’t know if that's a good idea Star, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, what if he feels he can’t be around me knowing I have these feelings?” Raven responded.
Starfire finished painting Raven’s nails and placed the nail polish on the floor.
“You must blow on your nails” she stated, “like this”.
Starfire demonstrated and Raven copied.
“Beast Boy is a very good friend, yes?” Starfire waited for Raven to nod before continuing, “Beast Boy cares very deeply for you, I cannot say for sure it is the same as how you feel, but I can say he would never allow anything to damage your friendship”.
“But-” Raven started to interject; Starfire silenced her by raising her hand.
“No buts, it is the most insulting to think friend Beast Boy would ever treat you badly because of this” Starfire grabbed the topcoat polish from the floor and grabbed Raven’s left hand.
“If you do not tell friend Beast Boy, how will you know if he has the feelings for you? You must allow the beans to spill, yes?” Starfire questioned and Raven nodded once again in response.
Starfire was right, of course. She often is. Raven knew what she had to do but doing it was much harder than knowing it.
After spending the remainder of the evening eating snacks, doing magazine quizzes and letting Starfire curl her hair, Raven was feeling slightly better. It wasn’t often she divulged in such things and whilst she did not enjoy them, she liked how happy it made Starfire.
Starfire had even picked out a movie both her and Raven could enjoy together, Pride and Prejudice. It also helped that Starfire had invested in some darker nail polish shades instead of forcing her regular green and pink onto Raven’s nails. Raven looked down and admired her nails, Starfire had done a pretty good job.
If Raven had been paying more attention to her surroundings, she might have noticed the green changeling stepping out of his room.
“Hey Rae!” Beast Boy immediately greeted her with a smile.
Raven looked up at him and shot him a quick response as she attempted to walk past him into the safety of her room. Just because she knew what she had to do doesn’t mean it had to be done tonight. She needed time to think things over, she needed to know what she was going to say to him, and when and where she would tell him, and how she was going to nurse her bruised ego once he rejected her. Or, somehow even scarier, what she would do if he magically wanted her back.
Just as she managed to reach her door, she felt a firm grip on her arm stopping her in place. She turned to face the boy, wincing at his crestfallen expression.
“Look Raven, I wanted to apologise for making you uncomfortable” Beast Boy spoke to her tentatively, he raised his hand from her arm to the back of his neck.
A nervous habit Raven could only describe as endearing.
“I know how you feel about personal space and I shouldn’t have hugged you, I didn’t mean to make you so uncomfortable, your powers reacted, and with the dinner the other night, I promise I’ll respect your space more-” He rambled on.
Raven stood shocked, this is not how she expected this to go, he thought she was uncomfortable. His hands flew around as he spoke, and his eyes avoided looking at her.
“-I don’t want to be the reason you hide in your room Raven; I mean it-” Beast Boy continued as Raven just stared at him.
His green eyes eventually looked into hers and Raven had always thought he had plain green eyes, she could now see he had flecks of blue in them.
Beast Boy ran his hands through his hair and Raven was taken aback by how much the action struck her. Raven didn’t realise how much he cared for her. She vaguely acknowledged the fact he was still speaking to her. Beast Boy’s nervousness only endeared her more, she felt herself moving closer to him. She reached up on her toes.
“-I hope we are still good Raven, I didn’t mean to do anything to-” Beast Boy's words were muffled by Raven’s lips on his.
Her hand moved upwards, and the tips of her fingers graced his cheek as their lips met. She had never thought about how his lips would feel on hers. They were so soft and gentle. Just like him.
Confusion rolled off of him in waves but as she went to break the kiss, the confusion slipped away and was replaced by something entirely different. She felt his hands grasp her hips firmly, nails scraping the fabric of her leotard. Azar, those hands.
He kissed back with an intensity she hadn’t thought possible. She shuddered when his body pressed up against hers. Her hands flew up to his hair in response, fingers curling into the mess of green. She felt herself moving but all she could focus on was the feeling of his body against hers.
She was only slightly aware that he had backed her up against the wall when his tongue swiped over her bottom lip, and she let out a whimper. He took full advantage of this, and his tongue found its way into her mouth. She couldn’t understand why they had spent so much time doing anything other than this.
She was trapped between him and the wall; his hands pulled her hips against his and she moaned against his mouth. A heat washed over Raven, and she felt as though she was on fire. Her hands tightened on his hair in response, and Beast Boy's breath hitched.
His hand moved up to her waist, gripping her harder before he broke the kiss. His lips were red, he looked thoroughly kissed. His eyes locked with hers.
The gravity of what Raven had done hit her quicker than she would have liked. The heat of embarrassment replaced the excitement she had. Beast Boy frowned slightly, and Raven’s heart dropped. Slipping out from where she was trapped, Raven went through a portal into her room.
She collapsed onto her bed and brought a hand up to her lips. She just kissed Beast Boy. Beast Boy was her first kiss.
For a moment she expects him to knock on her door and push his way into her room. She listens out for a sound, any sound at all, and when nothing comes, she can’t help but feel a pit in her stomach. She fucked up, badly. The rejection stung but at least now she knew he didn’t want her.
“Way to not make it uncomfortable”, she thought sadly.
Raven had already been hiding herself in her room, she figured now she could just stop pretending she wasn’t. She did her best to hide out, she stopped attending meals and avoided the common room no matter what. Starfire had started bringing her food to her room to eat together.
She lasted all of three days before she found herself wandering to the garage where Cyborg was.
He looked up at her from under the hood of the T-car as she entered. Cyborg was her self-appointed ‘big brother’, a title he proudly informed everyone of when he thought she wasn’t around.
“Do you need any help?” she asked him, fixing her best disinterested look and monotone voice.
“Course, I’ve been fixing this engine by myself since green bean doesn’t know the difference between a wrench and a screwdriver, someone with common sense is appreciated” Cyborg responded, either actively choosing to ignore the way Raven winced at the thought of their teammate or being too absorbed in his car to notice.
Raven took her usual seat on top of the counter in front of the car. Cyborg’s toolbox sat on her right. Occasionally he would yell out what he needed, and Raven would levitate it over to him. The two sat in a comfortable silence. Cyborg never asked her any questions when she showed up sporadically to help him with the T-car’s maintenance, for which she was grateful. She had missed her friends' company throughout her stints of isolation, she hadn’t realised how accustomed she had grown to their presence.
Cyborg hummed to himself as he worked.
“Wrench, please” he said, turning around to the girl. The wrench was encased in black energy and moved to his hand. He turned back around before speaking again.
“So, do you know why BB’s been walking around with a cloud over his head?” Cyborg asked.
So much for him not asking questions.
“I don’t know, why are you asking me?” Raven said, trying not to seem defensive.
Cyborg smirked.
“Because you’re the only one who affects him this much, also you’ve locked yourself in your room” he said.
Raven didn’t know how to respond to that. Obviously, she was the reason Beast Boy was upset, probably because she hadn’t apologised yet. She hoped she could salvage their friendship, but she just couldn’t trust herself not to blow up the tower if it were to go wrong.
Cyborg saw the look of guilt on Raven’s face and continued.
“You know he cares what you think of him, Raven, whatever he did I’m sure it’s not bad enough to let him suffer for any longer” he said to her.
“It was me,” she whispered back. Confusion spread across Cyborg’s face.
“I have to apologise, I did something” Raven continued, her voice shaking slightly.
Cyborg put down the wrench and placed his hand on her shoulder.
“Then apologise, the green bean will forgive you no matter what. You could try to kill him, and he’d forgive you Raven, it’s you” Cyborg said, before turning back to the T-car and continuing his work.
It all finally came to a head a week later. Raven’s streak of bad luck hit again when the Funfair came back to Jump City.
“Oh, boyfriend Robin, we must attend the fair of fun” Starfire exclaimed the moment she saw the flyer.
Robin looked apprehensive at first but one look at Starfire’s excitement and he began nodding his head. He was weak.
“Of course, you and I can go later if there’s no crime alerts,” Robin said.
Robin clearly thought he could make it a date. Raven was glad, this meant she could avoid the fair.
“We shall all go together” Starfire insisted, “it has been too long since we all have shared an outing together”.
“I’m going to stay in today Star” Raven said from her space on the couch, not taking her eyes off of her book. This was the last thing she needed.
“But friend Raven, you must come with us” She insisted again. If Raven had looked up, she would have seen Starfire sending her boyfriend a pleading look.
“I think it’s a good idea for us all to spend some time together, Raven, for the team,” Robin said, looking at her apologetically. He shrugged at Raven’s glare.
“Oh, Perfect, I will go and inform Beast Boy and Cyborg immediately” Starfire said, flying out of the room with glee.
Raven should have put that flyer in the trash the moment she saw it on the table.
Now she was sitting in between Beast Boy and Starfire in the T-car silently fuming. The feeling of Beast Boy’s knee and shoulder pressed against her own was unbearably awkward. The last time the two of them were this close, she had been shoving her tongue into his mouth.
The moment the T-car pulled to a stop Starfire jumped out of the car and ushered all the Titans into the fair. Raven couldn’t think of a closer version to hell.
The sun was still out, and Raven could hear the screams of happy children from the parking lot. The smell of hot dogs engrossed her nose as they entered, and Raven immediately felt the overwhelming feeling of emotions from the crowd.
Raven’s only safety was the fact the Titan’s had all come together, allowing her to limit her interactions with Beast Boy. Raven spent the majority of her time following along with the team watching them go from ride to ride and stall to stall.
Starfire forced Raven to sit down and get purple flowers painted along her temple to match her own pink face painted flowers. All in all, Raven was glad she came and thankful the rest of the Titans were able to work as a buffer. She thought she was able to escape the day without talking to Beast Boy.
That was before Starfire grabbed Robin’s arm and dragged him to the Ferris Wheel, claiming they needed to ‘maintain the tradition’.
Cyborg laughed at Robin’s red face, teasing him as they went, telling Robin to “keep his gloved hands to himself”.
Raven was glad she at least had Cyborg but just as quickly as Starfire and Robin disappeared, Cyborg was yelling over his shoulder that he was heading to grab some more food, and he disappeared into the crowd.
The silence was palpable. Somehow in the swarm of people, the loud music and chatter, Raven couldn’t hear anything. Her eyes looked across the funfair, pretending to be interested in the stalls of games around them. She thought about teleporting away, but Beast Boy’s dejected voice stopped her train of thought in its tracks.
“Can you just stop running away from me?” he asked, “I thought we were at least friends”.
Raven felt her chest tighten. Every limb in her body was itching for her to run away but the way Beast Boy was staring at her kept her firmly stuck in place. He just looked sad.
“We are friends,” Raven said softly.
“Well then, can we hang out, as friends?” Beast Boy asked, gesturing to the fair.
Raven nodded slowly and the two of them began walking in silence. Raven didn’t know where they were going but she kept up the same pace as Beast Boy as they walked further through the crowds. He looked straight ahead the whole time Raven had been stealing glances at him. She bit the inside of her cheek as they passed the final stall.
They ended up at the top of the boardwalk, shockingly it was empty. Raven stopped at the top as Beast Boy continued walking to the end. Eventually taking a seat, dangling his legs over the edge. He hadn’t looked at her once, she was devastated.
Raven prepared herself at the top of the boardwalk. This was the conversation she was avoiding. She thought of what to expect. Beast Boy was often tactless but not cruel, never cruel, he would let her down as easily as he knew how to. She knew the feelings that were to follow. Her stomach would drop, a pit would grow. She wouldn’t cry, the embarrassment would overshadow her sadness, at least until she got back to her room.
There in the privacy of her room could she let the tears fall.
She wanted to pull up her hood, but she knew that wasn’t fair to him. He deserved to be looked in the eye when she apologised. She’d be unable to hide her expression which meant she’d have to try harder to keep it blank. Hopefully he would allow her the courtesy of teleporting back to the tower as quickly as possible. Azar forbid, if he tried to hug her, she might just blow up the whole fair.
Raven took in a deep breath and walked to the end of the boardwalk and took a seat right next to him. She crossed her legs and looked out at the sea, preparing to apologise. With a shaky breath she began.
“I’m really sorry Raven” Beast Boy said, beating her to the punch.
She schooled her face, awaiting the final blow. Here it was the inevitable rejection.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you like that, I pushed you way too far and I know you don’t feel the way I do but-”
“You’re an idiot” Raven blurted out the words before she could stop herself.
Beast Boy winced before looking at her.
It was all so ridiculous, how could he be apologising?
“I kissed you first Beast Boy because I like you, in a very embarrassing, things blow up, overwhelming kind of way,” Raven said, words tumbling out of her mouth quicker than she could keep up with. It was as if the dam had broken.
“I have feelings for you, the wanting to hold your hand kind of feelings, I kissed you because I wanted to and you didn’t push me too far because I liked it, I liked it a lot, but you didn’t come after me when I left” Raven finished, turning towards him.
They remained in silence for a moment.
“I thought you were uncomfortable” Beast Boy said, “otherwise I would have gone after you and kissed you again because I also have embarrassing, overwhelming, kind of feelings for you”.
Beast Boy gave her a big smile, his fang sticking out.
“I’m going to kiss you now, ok?” he asked, he waited for her response.
Raven nodded, unable to speak.
Beast Boy’s hand slowly went up to her cheek, as though he was afraid, she’d run again. His thumb caressed her cheekbone and Raven let her eyes fall shut. This was much gentler than their first kiss, it was nervous and slow, Raven felt his hot breath on her lips before she leant forward and pressed her lips to his. Her heart was pounding.
She raised her hands to his shoulders, gripping his shirt tightly between her fingers. She leaned in closer, her lips parted slightly, allowing Beast Boy to slip his tongue into her mouth. Raven felt relief. Beast Boy grinned into the kiss and Raven couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, breaking apart for a moment to catch their breath.
Beast Boy’s hand brought itself down to her waist, pulling her slightly closer. He captured her lips in another kiss. This kiss was much surer, they explored each other's mouths. Raven tangled her hands back into his hair, as she had done before. She felt dizzy with their kisses, her head spun as all she focused on was the feeling of his lips against hers.
Eventually they separated, both sporting light pink cheeks. Beast Boy eventually stood up, offering Raven a hand.
“We should head back to the fair,” he told her. Raven felt slightly disappointed that he wanted to return to their friends instead of staying here. Noticing her face, Beast Boy continued.
“I’m going to win you another prize, one to remember today by,” he told her, smiling, “I don’t want you to forget this”.
He pulled her along the boardwalk.