Chapter Text
“I fucking survived
I fucking survived
I can't believe I made it through the day
I didn't die
I didn't die
I think, maybe, I'm gonna be OK
But probably not
'Cause—oh, my God!—it's on fire out there
What's going on?!
I really don't care
Gotta go to bed
It's time for bed
I'm tired”
— I Didn’t Die (Candi Carpenter & Kalie Shorr)
Namgyu stumbled back into the dormitory room. He was covered in blood, he could feel it stick on his skin. Thanos’ cross necklace sat heavy in his pocket. He took it from him. From his body. From his dead—
“Those X bastards tried to kill all of us. They killed some of us, including my friend—” Namgyu’s voice broke. Thanos wasn’t just his friend. He was so much more than that.
Some random player X yelled back, telling them they were the ones to start the fight, though Namgyu had stopped listening. Everyone was shouting. His head was spinning. He needed to sit down. His feet guided him to Thanos’ bed. He sat down, leaning against the wall, his hands shaking as he retrieved Thanos’ necklace. He clutched it in his hands, just feeling the weight of it.
“We need to have a count. We need to know how many are left,” someone shouted.
Namgyu didn’t bother getting up to help. They lost Thanos, that’s all that mattered.
He remembered the moment he spotted Thanos in the games. With Gyeongsu coming up as his biggest fan, all but fawning over him. Then everyone wanting a photo with him. He remembered the way Thanos looked so down, not even managing a smile. The way stepped in to manage the situation, trying to keep the interaction as minimal as possible, asking Thanos for consent.
Namgyu had met him before the games, back at Club Pentagon. Whenever he came in Namgyu took care to give Thanos his privacy. Whether it be a private room, or simple a private booth and making sure he wasn’t bothered.
He was a pretty introverted by nature. On stage it was a different matter. There he was loud and all over the place. But in his downtime he liked to relax. And if he needed drugs to do it sometimes, who was Namgyu to judge, when he did the same.
There was discontent around him. Namgyu only half-listened at the moans that group O was now down three players, while group X was only down two. The atmosphere was rippling with tension. Everyone knew a fight was coming.
“Five minutes to lights out.”
Everyone moved to their bed to wait until lights out. Namgyu didn’t move. He watched as the others lay down, meanwhile he stayed there, on the bottom bed. Thanos’ bed. They were both on this bed once, when Namgyu begged him for another pill. Now it was just him. He was alone.
“Thanos, you asshole,” he said softly. He grasped Thanos’ cross in his trembling hands. “That son of a bitch treated me like a fucking idiot.” His fingers barely got the cross open. He picked up a pill and popped it in his mouth.
Thanos was the one who picked them for him before. Now he did it himself.
He sniffled, trying not to cry. He ran a hand over his face. There was blood on his hands, on his face, Thanos’ blood.
He grabbed another pill, needed another pill.
A few inane chuckles left him as he brought the fork up to his face. He was getting his revenge tonight. He was gonna kill them. For what they did to Thanos. For killing his—
His arm dropped to the bed, the fork clattering out of his grip and onto the ground as tears dripped down his face. Sobs wracked his shoulders though he did so silently. He wouldn’t let anyone witness his weakness.
He wanted him back. He wanted Thanos alive. He clutched his cross in his hands. He needed him to be alive. He was his friend. His best friend. His only friend. He pressed his lips to Thanos’ cross, a few more tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them away furiously with the back of his hand, before he put the cross back in his pocket.
He took a few deep breaths. Focus. He needed to focus. He closed his eyes an released a breath. His breathing slowed down. His head became heavy, lolling to his chest. He jerked up. No, he couldn’t fall asleep. They needed to prepare for a fight tonight. He needed to stay awake. But his eyes disagreed. The day caught up with him. The mingle game, the voting, the fight, the blood.
He bit his lip.
Five minutes, he promised himself. He'd just rest for five minutes. He’d let himself forget for five minutes. Maybe if he fell asleep he’d wake up before today. Maybe he’d wake up to Thanos being his drugged up self, hyping them up and just generally being a menace.
He lay down and breathed in deep. Thanos’ smell was there, on the pillow, on the sheets. His breath shuddered, his throat tight.
Eventually his breath evened out and he fell deep asleep.
“Namsu.”
Namgyu’s head was fuzzy, as he fought to gain consciousness.
“Ya, Namsu.”
Someone was prodding him.
Namgyu groaned. He didn’t want to wake up. He was drained.
Now they were shaking him.
“Namsu, come on, bro.”
Namgyu sucked in a breath. That voice. Impossible. He sat up quickly. “Thanos,” he breathed.
The purple haired man was standing there, hands holding on to the bedframe above his head, grinning down at Namgyu.
“Were you tired, man? You needed a little afternoon nap?”
Namgyu couldn’t make his tongue form any words. What the hell was going on? Was he dreaming? Or tripping? There was no way. He was supposed to be dead. He was dead. Namgyu saw him die. How was he standing there?
“What are you doing in my bed?”
“What?” It was hard to focus on words, when all he could think was alive, alive, he’s alive.
A frown appeared on Thanos’ brow. “What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Namgyu bit back a sob. He remembered Thanos lying there, his throat covered in red, the blood pouring out of him, his eyes open, unseeing.
“You’re alive,” escaped from his lips. “You’re still alive.”
“Aw, were you worried about me? Don’t worry, nothing can kill me.”
Namgyu leanad forward, his hand reaching for Thanos’ jacket zipper. He only managed to zip it down a little, before Thanos’ hands were on his, shoving them away from him.
“Whoa, man. That’s too much. You gotta ask.”
But Namgyu had want he wanted. Thanos’ neck was fine. No blood, no wound, his necklace dangling on his chest. He sighed in relief, before he shook himself out of it. He just tried to undress Thanos. His cheeks flushed.
“Ah, sorry. I just…” He swallowed hard. “Nightmare.”
The frown eased away, just a little. Thanos placed his knee on the mattress and leaned in. This time Thanos was the one to reach forward, his hand cupping Namgyu’s chin in his palm. Namgyu’s breath almost stopped. Thanos tilted his head this way and that, looking for something.
“Are you feeling unwell?” he asked.
Namgyu remembered asking the rapper those exact same words, after the Red Light, Green Light game.
“Y-yeah, I’m—” lying through my teeth, I’m not okay, you’re dead, you were dead. “I’m okay.”
Thanos released Namgyu’s face and he almost whined. He wanted Thanos to keep touching him. But no, he stood up, he was leaving.
“Come on. Let’s go to the rest of the Team Thanos.” He held out his hand. Namgyu stared at it, then up at Thanos.
Thanos raised his eyebrows.
He didn’t die. He didn’t die. He couldn’t believe it, but he survived. That was all that was going through him. He had no idea what was going on. But Thanos was alive. And Namgyu was determined to keep him that way.
Namgyu took his hand.