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He shouldn't have done it.
He regretted it from the moment he let the steel blade touch his skin. But once it had, and he felt the first sting bloom across his arm, he couldn’t resist continuing. Guilt swarmed in his head, reminding him that he shouldn’t have done it. Though at that point, it was too late. He couldn’t take back the wound now etched into his wrist, or the blood flowing from it. And of course, once there was one, several others followed, until most of the pale skin of his arm had turned red.
But his mind wouldn’t shut up. The memories of his nightmare wouldn’t leave. He tried curling in Gold’s side, hoping the contact and warmth would help, though staying as quiet as possible to keep from waking him. And when that didn’t work, and closing his eyes still resulted in bad memories flooding his mind, he forced himself to get out of bed, hoping that a cup of water and a bathroom trip would help.
All he wanted was peace. A moment where it didn’t feel like his thoughts were running a mile a minute, and the only ones he could catch were bad. For everything to shut up, to be quiet, for five minutes.
Five minutes. That’s all he needed. That’s what he told himself as he slid open the cupboard drawer. The one he isn’t supposed to get into. The one with all of Gold’s shaving razors, which have been haphazardly shoved into the back, where they aren’t visible at first glance.
The dim light above the sink had reflected off the razor as he pulled it out, mesmerizing him in a way that seemed to encourage him to continue. Dismantling the razor to get to the blades inside wasn't hard. He's done it dozens of times. With each prior time telling himself that it was the last. Only to end up back here.
The blade still remains in his hand, feeling much colder than it had just a second ago. Before he broke his promise, and stained the blade’s edge red. The urge to continue, to give in again, is strong. It’d be easy. Just a quick flick of his wrist.
But he can’t do that. He’s already made the mistake. Once was all he needed. His head already feels lighter, quieter, free of the thoughts that he doesn’t want to think about. He doesn’t need more than that.
He flushes the blade down the toilet before he can second-guess the action. It spins around the porcelain bowl as the water swirls, until it eventually disappears, allowing Silver to tear his gaze away from it.
The process of cleaning and bandaging the wounds goes quickly. He’s had plenty of practice, and he doesn’t particularly care if they get bandaged properly. That can wait until morning, when he has the energy for it. He’ll just have to remember to get out of bed early enough to take care of it before Gold wakes up.
Though he already knows there’s no hiding this from Gold. Even if he manages to bandage and hide the cuts, Gold will notice one of his razors is missing in the morning, and Silver will have to admit to taking and using it.
Turning the faucet on as hot as possible, he splashes water on his face, recoiling when ice cold water hits him. As steam rises from the sink, he grabs another handful to splash onto himself. It stings his hands and face, too hot to be comfortable on his skin, but he doesn’t lower the temperature, splashing handful after handful onto his face until he isn’t bothered by the temperature.
A glance in the mirror shows how terrible he looks. The bags under his eyes seem more prominent than ever, their condition unhelped by the measly two and a half hours of sleep he managed to get. His hair stands up at weird angles, messed up from sleep, and unwilling to lay flat when Silver runs his fingers through it.
He looks terrible, but doing something about his appearance sounds like too much work. He doesn't have the energy for that. Gold will already be worried when he finds him wide awake before him the next morning. A run through his hair with his brush would probably help tame the mess, and some light concealer would at least hide the severity of his under-eye bags. But as he stares at the drawer that holds his hairbrush and makeup, he can’t get himself to even open the drawer.
Maybe he'll try to get some more sleep first. Even if he only gets another hour, it's better than nothing. It’ll probably also help him look less awful. He’s already been out of bed for a while though. Getting back to sleep probably won’t happen. His best course of action would be to spend the rest of the night reading, or distract himself with some anime before he starts spiraling.
His actual best course of action would be to wake Gold up and tell him what he’s done. Gold always knows how to distract him when he gets in these moods, and having him around will prevent him from spiraling to the point of wanting to hurt himself again.
But he can’t. Gold needs his sleep. And telling him that he relapsed, after going almost a month with no incidents, will make him upset. Especially since Gold was right there when he woke up, and this could have been prevented if Silver had turned to him after his nightmare. Gold’s going to be disappointed in him.
He knows the best thing to do is to just rip the band aid off and tell Gold. Even if he’s upset, Gold will still help him through this. He just needs to go into their bedroom, wake Gold up, and tell him what he did.
Or Gold might not help him. This isn’t the first—and likely won’t be the last—time he’s gone to Gold with these issues, but he’s never bothered him in the middle of the night. Waking him up over this would be pushing it too far. Gold’s bound to get tired of him and his problems eventually. He’s probably already done with him, and just hasn’t found the right moment to tell him such. Because all Silver has done since they met was take, and he’s given Gold nothing in return.
He took Gold’s offer of friendship, holding it close, glad to finally have someone he could call his friend; glad someone would be willing to give him a chance at friendship. He took the generosity Gold showed him, constantly going over to his house for free meals and a safe place to sleep, eventually moving in at Gold’s insistence. Though that was likely nothing more than Gold being generous once again, which Silver greedily took, just like everything else. He’s taken Gold’s time over and over again, bothering him with nonsense and stupid problems that he should be able to handle on his own.
And he’s going to do it again. Because now he’s spiraling. He needs to get Gold before it gets worse. Which means he’ll be taking more of Gold’s time, without anything to give in return. Running to Gold and forcing him to help him manage his problems until they go away; or become manageable enough for Silver to once again ignore.
Gold has to be tired of him at this point. There’s no way he isn’t. The only question is when the breaking point will finally come, and he’ll admit that he doesn’t want Silver bothering him with his meaningless problems.
A knock on the door makes Silver jump, hands gripping the marble of the bathroom counter tight enough for them to ache.
“Silv?” Gold’s tired voice rings through the door. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there a while.”
The handle rattles as Gold tries it, finding the door locked. He calls out again, worry lacing his voice as he attempts to open the door again.
Silver tries to respond. All he needs to do is tell Gold that he’s fine, and Gold will go back to bed. And Silver can trick himself into believing that Gold isn’t tired of him just yet. But his voice won’t work when he opens his mouth. The only sound that comes out is a quiet, pathetic whimper that would only serve to further worry Gold if he heard it.
He’s unlocking and opening the door before he registers the movement, only realizing that there are tears gathered in the corners of his eyes when he looks into Gold’s; watching them immediately soften.
Gold’s hand comes to cup his cheek, thumb rubbing over the area. He leans into the touch, wrapping his fingers around Gold’s wrist to hold his hand there.
“Oh, Silv,” Gold murmurs, eyes dropping to look at the bandaids stuck to Silver’s wrist; not doing quite enough to cover the wounds littering his skin. “Did you have a nightmare?” His voice is soft, almost like he’s not upset about what Silver has done.
Tears slip out of his eyes as he nods, dropping his gaze so he doesn’t have to look at Gold, not wanting to see his look of disappointment. The hand on his cheek disappears, coming to grab his arm. Obviously being careful of his wounds.
“Come on, let’s get this cleaned up.” Stepping into the bathroom, Gold lifts him to sit on the countertop. Gold hums a gentle tune as he pulls bandages out from their always stocked spot in the cupboard, giving Silver something to focus on besides the thoughts that begin to once again swirl through his head.
He zones out for the process of Gold cleaning his cuts, barely feeling the washcloth Gold runs over his arm before switching his patchwork of bandaids out for some proper adhesive gauze; which Silver looks away from as they’re changed, not wanting to see the blood that’s probably already soaked through the patches. Kisses get peppered to the clean bandage once it’s secured, then Gold’s lifting him off the counter, carrying him out of the room.
Gold takes him to the kitchen, setting him on the counter while giving promises of hot chocolate when Silver asks why they aren’t going back to bed. Pulling the instant hot chocolate containers out from the cabinet behind him, Silver hands them to Gold, figuring they’ll be using their coffee maker to make the beverages.
A kiss gets pressed to his forehead as Gold takes the small plastic cups from him, setting them back in the cabinet. He drops down to rummage through the cupboard below Silver, and after a lot of ruckus, comes up with a small pot.
“Nope, you’re getting the good hot cocoa tonight.” Setting the pot on the stove, he goes through the motions of making the hot chocolate. Milk and chocolate get pulled from the fridge. Gold gives him a portion of the chocolate before chopping up the rest, putting everything into the pot to heat up. Silver doesn’t fail to notice that once he’s done with the knife, he places it on the other side of the kitchen, far out of his reach.
The steaming hot chocolate gets poured into two mugs, one of which is then pressed into Silver’s hands. Warmth spreads through his fingers, and he takes a sip of the drink, not caring about the temperature, even as it burns his mouth and throat. Gold’s quick to pull the mug away from him, reminding him to let it cool first.
Gold leads him back to their bedroom, hand never drifting away from his lower back, keeping the point of contact. His hand is warmer than usual due to handling the cups of cocoa, and Silver leans into the touch, feeling the warmth through the fabric of his shirt.
He gets pushed into bed, which has already been set up for cuddling and watching TV. Pillows propped up against the headboard, lamp set to the dimmest setting, providing just enough light for them to see while not being too bright, and blankets pulled back. Gold climbs into bed beside him, bundling the blankets in around them as he sets his mug down. The TV remote already lays on the foot of the bed, ready for them to put on a show to watch while cuddling; though they both know which show Silver’s going to put on.
“Okay,” Gold says, shifting to face Silver, “what happened? Why didn’t you come get me?” His tone is steady and soft. As if he isn’t upset, isn’t disappointed that Silver broke his promise. Again. He’s broken his promise to stop time and time again. And each time, Gold has been patient with him, always there with bandages for his wounds and a soft smile as Silver once again would promise to make that time the last. One of these times, he’s going to be done with it.
He doesn’t respond, but Gold doesn’t say anything more, remaining patient as he gently runs his thumb over the back of Silver’s hands. Waiting for him to talk.
“I- I…” His voice comes out quiet and unsteady, breaking as he tries to force the words out. He could lie, say that he had only just finished and wasn’t able to get him before he woke up. “You were gonna be upset, and I didn’t- I didn’t-” He buries his head into Gold’s shoulder, shaking his head as the rest of the words get caught in his throat.
Gold sighs, causing Silver to tense, preparing for the confirmation that Gold’s done with him. “I’ll never be upset with you.” His hand comes to rest on Silver’s hair, stroking the length until Silver relaxes.
“But I keep promising to stop. And I keep… keep.” He gets cut off as Gold pulls him into his lap, beginning to gently rock back and forth.
“I know this is hard for you, but you’ve been doing amazing, and I will never be upset with you. Or disappointed. As long as you come to me, and I can help you with this.”
He nods as more tears fall down his cheeks. Pulling his hand out of Gold’s grasp, he attempts to wipe them away. Gold murmurs praise as he cries. About how much he loves him, about how strong he is, about seemingly anything that comes to his mind.
The words feel false when Silver mentally repeats them to himself, but hearing Gold say them, repeating them in Gold’s voice, makes them feel real. Believable, just because Gold’s the one saying it to him.
Gold’s words quiet as Silver manages to compose himself, going to dry the last of his tears with his shirt sleeve before Gold pushes his hand away, grabbing a tissue to clean his face with. His cup of cocoa gets set back in his hands, Gold helping him take a drink of the warm beverage. Hands rest on his cheeks as he finishes his sip, tilting his head up until he’s staring into Gold’s eyes.
“I promise, Silv,” he murmurs, wiping away a stray tear that runs down Silver’s face, “as long as you keep trying to stop, I will never be disappointed in you. Okay?”
He nods, intertwining his hand with Gold’s. “I’ll try to stop. Promise.”
The soft smile Gold gives him in response is one that never fails to make his heart flutter and make him believe that everything will be alright. “Now how about we watch an episode or two of Proteam, and then try to get some more sleep?” Grabbing the TV remote, he presses it into Silver’s hand, moving to sit back against the mountain of pillows resting against the headboard.
Shifting to lay against Gold’s chest, Silver turns his attention to the TV, navigating the menus with practiced experience to start the first episode of Proteam Omega. As it begins to play, his fingers brush against the bandage wrapped around his arm. Gold’s words, his promises, run through his head, and he looks back at Gold, only to find him still looking at him, eyes lighting up as their gazes lock.
He’ll try to keep his promise, just like every prior time he’s made it. But even if he fails, he’ll keep trying. For Gold.