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Leia had had crushes before. She had even been in relationships before, none of them ever got that far or serious yet they were all important to her in different ways.
This was different. This thing she was developing for Han was different.
Leia had accepted shortly before their ill dated mission to Ord Mantel that she was attracted to Han and she knew that he had already unwittingly became one of her closest friends along with Luke.
Sleep hadn’t come easier for Leia in three years but last night had been particularly difficult for her.
Han and Luke, her two best friends, locked out in the cold, she’d even had to give the order.
She’d been tormented by her old nightmares with new ones joining them. She’d gotten very little sleep.
Leia had felt relief flood her body when she had heard Zev’s message that he’d found them.
She still hadn’t had the chance to talk to either of them yet though. They had both been rushed to medbay as soon as they were back.
Han was mostly alright (and had threatened to dismantle 2-1B if he didn’t stop poking him) but Luke was in a bad state and had to be put in the bacta tank.
Leia was waiting for him to come out along with Han, Chewie, Threepio and Artoo.
She and Han still hadn’t talked yet.
As Leia watched Luke, unconscious and covered in scars bobbing up and down in the bacta tank, she felt Han walk up behind her to watch as well.
For this moment, their own conflict was put aside as they were united in worry for their friend.
Suddenly Luke started slashing in the bacta, almost like he was afraid he would drown despite the breathing mask.
Artoo let out a series of beeps and chirps which none of the non-droids could understand.
Chewie growled out his own question in Shyriiwook which Han did understand.
“I don’t know what he’s saying, doesn’t make any sense to me,” he answered as he began walking around the small room, worry starting to seep in.
Han wasn’t one for hope, that was more Luke and Leia’s thing, or for praying yet he found himself doing both so that Luke may live.
Han found Luke’s friendship to be one of the things he most valued about staying with the Rebellion, the other being what ever Han had going on with Leia, and he didn’t want to loose that even if he was going to leave soon anyway.
Especially not with all the effort he had put into saving Luke.
“I do hope he’s all there, if you see what I mean,” Threepio’s annoying voice interrupted Han’s thoughts. “It’d be most unfortunate if Master Luke got a short circuit.”
Way to think on the positive side Goldenrod!
Han walked away from him, even less in the mood to deal with Threepio than he usually was.
Leia could hear Chewie murmuring another series of growls but while her Shyriiwook had improved over the last three years she didn’t know enough to translate.
Leia looked up, only to see Han in front of her, back in the same place he was before, leaning against the wall.
For a moment Leia found herself staring into his eyes but she quickly snapped her focus back to Luke in the bacta tank, focusing all her energy on her worry for him rather than focusing on the man behind her who would be gone soon.
Though it was only a few seconds to Leia it felt like an eternity before the droid started emptying the tank and 2-1B turned towards them and announced:
“Commander Skywalker’s been ill, in dormo-shock, but is responding well to the bacta. He is presently out of danger.”
Artoo let out a series of happy beeps while Chewie unleashed of joyful roar and Threepio let out a ‘Thank the Maker!’.
Leia herself felt relief flood through her as she watched Luke float up to the top of the tank.
Leia found herself staying even as Luke was taken away and the room cleared till it was just her and Han.
For a time they exchanged no words and simply stood there in silence. Both had been determined to keep it that way but when Han began to walk away, Leia couldn’t help herself.
“Han,” Leia called out and he stopped almost immediately at the sound of her voice.
Leia hesitated for just a moment before deciding on what she wanted to say.
“I wanted to thank you for going out there to save Luke.”
Han felt his expression softening. Just slightly though.
“No problem, Sweetheart.”
Leia almost blushed. She wasn’t certain when sweetheart had gone from one of Han’s sarcastic nicknames for her to being a genuine term of endearment but Leia found she quite liked it when he called her that. Not that she was going to tell him that.
“The two of you really have a nack for finding trouble,” Han joked.
“Oh, me and Luke have a nack for finding trouble?” Leia teased. “I seem to recall your big mouth getting us into trouble a number of times.”
“It’s not my fault!”
Leia laughed. It was so easy. It was suddenly like it had been two months ago. Her and Han exchanged playfully teasing banter like they had before. Before Ord Mantel.
Just remembering the failed mission wiped any good feelings out of Leia. Even how she remembered the feeling of the blaster against her head, the sounds of struggle as she and Luke attempted to escape their restraints and the look of fear on Han’s face which Leia had never seen before in the three years she’d know him.
Then he decided to leave. He’d gone back on his previous promise to say and join the Rebellion officially.
Leia knew why he did it really. As much as she had thrown some very vicious insults at him about being greedy and selfish on the way back from Ord Mantel (which Luke and Chewie had the misfortune of overhearing from the Falcon’s cockpit) deep down Leia knew that Han’s motivation wasn’t purely selfish.
Oh sure he was probably also motivated by self preservation as well no doubt (Han was far from perfect after all) but as Luke had pointed out to Leia in the aftermath of her and Han’s very loud fight, if it was only that then he would have left to take care of it years ago but it was only now, after the brutal reminder that of the reality of his situation and how he wasn’t the only one that was in danger because of it, that he was leaving.
Leia knew all of this, on an intellectual level at least, but perhaps she just found it easier to look at Han as cold hearted jerk who didn’t care about anyone or anything except himself and his ship than to loose someone else important because of herself.
Han noticed Leia’s change in demeanour instantly but he didn’t know what to do to fix it.
“Yet your still planning on leaving?” she asked coolly.
“You already known that,” Han almost snapped back. “This changes nothing. I’ve still got Jabba on my back and I need to get him off.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to leave,” Leia started though she knew the logic didn’t quite hold. “The Rebellion could help you, you’ve proved yourself a valuable ally and you’ve just saved one of our best comma-”
“Seven Hells Leia!” Han snapped. “I didn’t save Luke because he’s a commander or because he’s the dam hero of the rebellion. I saved him for the same reason I’ve been sticking around for the last three years!”
Leia recognised the truth in his words. Han had turned back at the Battle of Yavin to save Luke. He had spent the last three years keeping, her, Luke and anyone else he considered a friend safe. That was also the reason he was going.
“I know that!” Leia snapped back. “I’m just saying that you don’t need to leave! Just ask for help!”
Leia genuinely wondered if this was a simple matter of pride and ego.
“Command is barely able to help themselves!” Han snapped back and ignored the glare Leia levelled at him for that comment. “Besides this is my mess! I have to be the one to fix it!”
Yep. Dam ego.
“No you don’t! If you just joined the Alliance like you said you were going to-”
“So, we’re back to that ,” Han muttered bitterly but not quietly enough.
Leia increased her glare at Han. For someone so short, she could really be scary at times. Han could see why others got scared of her.
“Of course we’re back to that! The rebellion is the most important thing to me! We’re trying to save the galaxy from tyranny!”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that a million times before,” Han rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to tell me about how awful the Empire is, I do own a few a brain cells!”
If circumstances were normal, Leia would tease him about not always using it but she couldn’t bring herself to joke anymore.
“Then use them!” she snapped back. “Let us help you! The rebellion needs you and you need the rebellion! It’s a perfect quid pro quo! We need you, you need us!”
“You really can’t just say I need you can you‽” Han yelled.
He almost felt that he should regret the words but it was too late to take them back now.
“Yes, because I’m hopelessly in love with you,” Leia said sarcastically while rolling her eyes.
“For goodness sake Your Highness! I just want you to admit that you don’t want me to go and that you’ll miss me!”
“I’ve already told you I don’t want you to go!”
“No you haven’t! You’ve told me you’d like me to stay because I’m a great asset to the rebellion! Not because you simply want me to stay! But I need to hear it from you ! You Leia! Not Princess Leia! Not Senator Organa! Not General Organa! Just Leia! The woman who I have considered to be my friend for the last three years!”
“It doesn’t matter though does it‽” Leia yelled at the top of her voice, her heart pounding and her throat sore. “No matter what I say you’re still going to leave! So why should I tell you anything‽”
A thick silence hung in the air.
That was the crux of the issue wasn’t it? Han didn’t want to leave without Leia talking to him about their feelings but even if she did Han would still leave because he thought that it was the right thing to do while Leia wouldn’t talk to him about her feelings while he was planning to leave.
The truth now hung in the air between them, almost like a dagger.
Eventually Han was the one to break the silence.
“Look,” he sighed, “you once told me that you knew in your heart that hoping the rebellion was the right thing. Can you accept that maybe this is what my heart is telling me is right? Finally confronting my past and doing something to protect you all.”
“I can accept it,” Leia whispered, “but I don’t have to like it and I won’t make this more difficult for myself.”
Han sighed. He really didn’t think this could be more difficult than it already was.
Before either of them could add anything else, Leia’s comlink went off. When she answered it, 2-1B’s voice sounded out.
“ Princess, Commander Skywalker has regained consciousness. He is asking for you and Captain Solo .”
Just like that, their normal roles returned, their friend needed them. They had to put aside personal conflict and be there for him.
“I’ll get Chewie,” Han grubbed, “meet you there.”
Leia nodded.
“We’re on our way,” she said into the comlink before ending the connection.
Leia looked up into Han’s hazel-green eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but seemed to decide against it.
Oddly enough, in that moment Han was sure of her feelings for him.
Han nodded towards her before turning around to go get Chewie, Leia following behind at a short distance.
Leia knew now that she couldn’t talk Han out of leaving. He was following his heart and now she had to try to protect hers.
And when the Empire came crashing into Echo Base and Rieekan told him that Leia hadn’t gotten to her transport yet, Han allowed his love and his heart to guide him again. And six months later while he and Leia stood on the forest moon of Endor, Han knew he would let his heart guide him every day from that moment onward.