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She’d laid there for quite a while now. She wasn’t sure exactly how long, just that it’d been longer than planned and longer than she’d usually allow herself to. She wasn’t the type to wallow in self pity, much preferring to get things done. If there was a problem she’d see to it, always optimizing one thing or the other. Never taking time to slow down and just breathe. She’d always thought that Fareeha was much the same, the two of them being so-called go-getters. That’s at least what Winston had always said. How they made quite the pair.
But now, Angela wasn’t feeling much like doing anything at all.
The lights were off and the pillow was stained wet where she’d previously laid. The wetness had gotten uncomfortable, so she’d moved herself further down on the bed, waiting for more tears to come. None had come for a while, but she still felt miserable, just waiting and thinking and waiting and thinking. A cycle that repeated itself endlessly.
If there was one thing Angela was good at, it was thinking. She thought of all the people she’d let down during her career. She thought of every wasted opportunity. She thought of Fareeha. How she might one day fall out of love with her, and how she’d be alone. Again.
She heard the door opening and an oh so familiar woman’s voice ring out through the apartment. It called her name, but she had no strength to respond. Instead she pulled the duvet closer to herself, curling her body further in on itself. She heard scrambling outside the bedroom and it wasn’t long before the door gently opened.
“Hey.” Fareeha greeted solemnly and sat down on the bed. “Aren’t you hot down there?” She asked.
Angela quietly emerged from under the duvet, poking her head out to look up at Fareeha.
Fareeha laid a comforting hand on her. “Have you been crying, Love? The pillow is all wet.”
Angela nodded. Fareeha rubbed her hand on her shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Fareeha asked in her gentle voice.
Angela hesitated, then crawled further out from her covers. “Can I just lay on your lap for a bit?”
Fareeha smiled and placed herself so there was ample space for Angela to rest. They stayed like that while Angela gathered her thoughts. She closed her eyes and enjoyed how Fareeha ran her fingers slowly through her hair, untangling all the knots and carefully placing each strand back in the place her mind had decided it belonged. Fareeha was surprisingly good at doing hair, a talent which Angela thought was unfortunately useless on her now short locks. She could only have the smallest of braids, but nonetheless Fareeha enjoyed playing with her hair. And she enjoyed the attention.
“You know…” She broke the silence. “I’ve just been feeling useless at work recently.”
Fareeha hummed before replying. “You? Why?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to bore you…” She stared intently at the wall.
Fareeha turned her head gently, so their eyes could meet. “Angela. Nothing you ever say is boring to me. Especially not things regarding your emotions.”
Angela smiled softly, already feeling warmth spread through her chest, that’d previously been ever so ridden with sadness and melancholy. “Thank you.” She said. Then she continued. “There’s just this voice in my head. It’s always telling me everything I could improve on. Everything I’m not doing correctly. All the people I’m letting down, and all the things I could do better if I was just different. I guess today the voice won.” She sighed.
Fareeha stroked her cheek gently and spoke. “Angela, I fear that sometimes you put too much pressure on yourself. I see how hard you’re working everyday to make the lives of everyone around you as perfect as can be. You’re always there for me to pick me up when I’m falling. Always reassuring me that I’m good enough and that you love me.” She bent down and kissed her hand, which she’d taken in hers. “Now let me do the same for you. Don’t ever let the voice win.”
Angela felt a tear run down her face. Then another. And another yet. “I just… I feel like I have to be perfect to deserve love. That you’ll one day find out I’m a fraud and you’ll leave me.”
“What would you be fraudulent about, Love?” Fareeha inquired.
Angela’s crying had turned to full on sobs. Fareeha shushed her gently, and held her tight.
“That I can’t save everyone.” Angela confessed.
Fareeha embraced her. “No one is expecting that of you.”
“I am!” She cried out, and trembled. Fareeha simply held her tight, and rubbed circles on her back.
“Angela. You’re just one woman. You’re human. You make mistakes and that’s to be expected. I don’t know what happened to make you feel this way, but know that I will love you no matter what. I love you simply because you’re you. So you’re enough for me. I just wish sometimes that you were enough for yourself.” She kissed the top of her head.
“I’m sorry.” Angela repeated between sobs.
“You’re alright Angie. You’re alright.” Fareeha kept murmuring until Angela’s breathing had finally calmed down. Angela sniffed one last time and looked at her, fragile, hanging on by the thinnest thread.
“I love you.” She confessed and looked into amber eyes.
“I love you too.” The amber eyes softened, and Angela felt as though all her previous grief suddenly didn’t matter as much. After all, she had someone who gave her her full trust. Someone who promised to always stick with her through her troubles. One day, perhaps her mind would quiet and Fareeha would be there by her side. Forever.
One day.